Doctor’s Orders

Doctor… Jessica Chastain

Chad… Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

[Starts with Doctor visiting a patient]

Doctor: Well, I have the first good news in weeks. The infection stopped spreading. You’re gonna make a full recovery. We almost lost you, Chad.

Chad: Okay.

[emotional happy music playing in the background]

Doctor: I have to say, I am going to miss you, Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Doctor: And I– [Doctor sits on patient’s bed] I think I’ve fallen in love with you, Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Doctor: I know you must have a million thoughts racing through your mind. [Doctor stands and looks away] You are driving me crazy. Every time I look at you, I just want to climb on that bed and make sweet love to you.

Chad: Nice.

[Chad is lowering his patient bad to make it horizontal]

Doctor: But we can’t.

Chad: Oh, okay.

[Chad lifts his patient bed again]

Doctor: I’m your doctor, for god’s sake.

Chad: Okay.

Doctor: But I must confess. [Doctor opens her hair bun] I’ve fantasized about lying on your chest as you play with my hair. Talking about our lives. [whispering] Our hopes. Our dreams.

Chad: I peed. [Chad passes Doctor his urine bowl. Doctor takes it and puts it away.]

Doctor: I understand if my argument lacks validity.

Chad: Ha-ha. Titty.

Doctor: But it can never happen. I would be fired for becoming involve with a patient. Is it crazy that I would be willing to risk my entire career to be with you, Chad?

[Doctor turns around. Chad is gone.]

Chad?

[Doctor walks out of the patient’s room. She looks around. Chad is running around on automatic wheelchair.]

Chad, could you please come back here for a moment?

Chad: Okay.

[Chad walks in and lies on the bed]

Doctor: As a doctor, I listened to hearts everyday. It’s time I listen to my own. It wants you, Chad. Ooh, god, it’s racing right now.

[Chad is looking at his genitals]

Chad: Yo, is that a zip or herpes?

Doctor: [looking at Chad’s genitals] I think it’s a little ingrown hair.

Chad: Dope!

Doctor: Now, get some sleep, young man. And dream about me. [Doctor leans towards Chad’s ear and whispers] Doctor’s orders.

Chad: Okay.

[Doctor walks to the door, stops and looks behind]

Doctor: And Chad.

[Chad is already sleeping.] [door knocking] [Mikey walks in with Chad’s food.] [to Mikey] You know, I never asked how he got sick?

Mikey: Oh, his friend dared him to eat dog turd.

[Doctor looks at Chad]

Doctor: God, that’s sexy.

Bachelor Auction

Mikey Day

Brandon… Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

Chad… Pete Davidson

Sylvia… Cecily Strong

Cecil… Kate McKinnon

Patty… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Peg… Saoirse Ronan

Kenan Thompson

John McEnroe

[Starts with Mikey hosting an auction. Brandon is standing with Mikey on the stage.]

Mikey: Going once. Going twice. Whoa, sold for a whopping $1,600. Congratulations to this lovely young lady at table six. You have won breakfast in a private tennis lesson with our head instructor Brandon.

Brandon: Heads up. I’m gonna make you sweat.

Melissa: At breakfast?

Brandon: No. The tennis lesson.

Mikey: Okay. You two, go see Dana to set that date. $1,600 is the biggest take so far in our Orange Park Acres Tennis Club bachelor auction. Remember, all proceeds from tonight go to our club youth traveling team. So, keep those bids coming. Our next tennis club bachelor works at the club pro shop. It’s Chad. [Chad walks in] You may know Chad from vaping in the parking lot. You’re bidding on a lunch with Chad. So, we’ll start the bidding at, I don’t know, fifty bucks. Sounds good, Chad?

Chad: Okay.

Mikey: Alright. Do I hear fifty?

[Cut to the ladies]

Sylvia: Oh my god. There is something about that boy. $fifty.

Peg: 100.

Sylvia: 500.

Leslie: 1,000.

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: Wow, Chad’s a hit. Anything to keep those bids coming, man? You got any hidden talents, Chad?

Chad: Um, I made up the dance called ‘Doink Doink’.

Mikey: Alright, let’s see it.

Chad: Okay. [starts dancing] Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink.

[Cut to the ladies]

Sylvia: Oh my god. The Doink Doink is amazing.

Peg: Yes. We have eyes, Sylvia.

Cecil: $5,000.

Sylvia: Oh, typical Cecil. Jump in the action’s hot.

Peg: $10,000, and I’ll raise myself to 15. I must have the Doink Doink.

Patty: Go home, ladies. Patty has come to play. Damn $30,000.

Peg: $50,000. And that’s a bargain.

Cecil: Look, I am willing to go to six figures, but I need more. What else does Chad bring to the table?

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: [to Chad] Um, any other talents, Chad?

Chad: Um, I could do an impression of Jim Carrey as the Grinch.

[Cut to the ladies]

Sylvia: Oh, Jesus, this place is going to explode.

Peg: $100,000. I don’t even need to hear it.

Cecil: What if it’s not good?

Sylvia: Of course, it will be good. It’s Chad, you cow!

Peg: Just shut up, all of you. Let Chad work.

[Cut to Mikey and Chad.]

Chad: Okay. Um, this is when he’s talking to his dog. [doing Jim Carry’s Grinch impression] Tomorrow’s Christmas. It’s practically here.

[Cut to the ladies. All of them stand.]

All ladies: $500,000.

Peg: $600,000. That sounded exactly like the Grinch.

Leslie: $700,000, and I didn’t even see the Grinch.

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: I feel like I’m in the upside down right now. Chad’s Grinch impression took us to 700 grand.

Chad: Oh, um, I can do a magic trick.

[Cut to the ladies]

Peg: It’s pointless ladies. There’s a reason you call me “Richy Bitch” behind my back. I get what I want.

Sylvia: Oh, quiet, Peg. Look.

[Chad is doing a stupid trick.] [Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: $10 million.

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: Ten million, going once, twice, sold to the mystery man in the fun coat. Um, who are you, sir?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: It doesn’t matter. What matters is the lunch with Chad is mine. Have the boy cleaned and take him to my lodge.

[Kenan walks out] [Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: Sounds kind of creepy. Are you cool with that Chad?

Chad: Okay.

Mikey: Okay. Big hand for Chad. [Chad leaves] Alright, Chad. Alright, on to our big ticket item, we pulled a lot of strings to get him here. Get your check books ready for our next bachelor. Tennis legend, John McEnroe.

[John McEnroe walks in]

Tell us, what are they bidding on, Mr McEnroe?

John McEnroe: Alright. I’m offering a weekend stay at my stay, a.k.a. the Mac Shack. It includes a three hours tennis lesson from your’s truly, a mixed double’s match with Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf. And of course, unlimited selfies with me, John McEnroe, the bad boy of tennis.

Mikey: Whoa. Okay. The bad boy of tennis. Ladies, start that bidding.

[Cut to the ladies. They don’t look interested.]

John McEnroe: What? You gotta be kidding me. [yelling] I’m John McEnroe, man! What do you ladies want? You can bring Chad along. Is this what you want? [starts dancing like Chad] Doink Doink?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: $20 million.

[Cut to Mikey and John McEnroe]

John McEnroe: Now that is more like it.

Mikey: Sold! $20 million.

The Chosen One

Chad… Pete Davidson

Elf… Mikey Day

Dwarf… Beck Bennett

Centaur… Kenan Thompson

Queen… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Chad playing video game in his room at night.] [Suddenly, there’s a glowing light in his closet. Chad walks to the closet and opens it. He sees a portal inside and he walks through it. He reaches to a different world where it’s snowing. There are two men and a centaur welcoming him.]

Elf: Welcome. Our prophets told of a savior. He would arrive from another land to free our world from the grip of darkness. What is your birth name?

Chad: Chad.

Centaur: The dark lord Azerhan and his army of shadows has entombed our world in ice and snow.

Dwarf: Only you can defeat him, Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Elf: We must inform the queen of your arrival.

[Queen walks in]

Queen: No need. I felt his presence. I am queen Chrysalis, ruler of Assyria and the nine rivers from Stark to Everseed.

Elf: Okay.

Queen: There was a time when the meadows bloomed. And there is hope that they may bloom again for today marks your coming.

Chad: [giggling] Coming.

Queen: You are the savior of Assyria. So says the prophecy.

All: So says the prophecy.

Chad: Okay.

Queen: But you must undertake a dangerous journey. [Chad is using his phone] You may return to your world at any time if you desire. The choice is yours. But be warned.

Centaur: He left.

Queen: What?

[Elf walks forward]

Go.

Elf: My leige.

Queen: Yes.

[Cut to Chad playing video game in his room. Elf walks in his room through the portal.]

Elf: Chad, why did you leave?

Chad: I was bored.

Elf: Can you come back for a moment? We weren’t done.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad and Elf walk through the portal again]

Queen: Thank you, Chad. You have chosen to follow your destiny.

Dwarf: First, you must climb the mountain of despair.

Chad: Okay.

Centaur: Then ford the river of flame.

Chad: Okay.

Elf: And survive the forest of translucent transgressions.

Queen: And after the veil of evil is lifted, you will become king and I will give you with my virginity.

Chad: Dope! [Chad opens his pants]

Queen: After your journey.

Chad: Oh, okay. [Chad wears his pants back on]

Queen: To aid you on this quest, we give you these items.

Centaur: From the order of the centauri, I present you with this map to guide you. [Centaur passes a map to Chad] Thousands of my kind died beyond the mountains to create it. May they rest with the gods.

[As they are bowing to Chad, the wind blows the map away.]

Dwarf: And from the kingdom of dwarves, I give you the crystal of Gumligin to light your path. [Dwarf puts a crystal necklace on Chad. The crystal is glowing.]

Chad: Gay.

Elf: And from the Elven council, the sword of the great warrior, Ashton. [Elf gives Chad a sword. Chad starts swinging the sword randomly.]

Queen: Safe travels, young warrior. May the great gods bless you.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad turns around and walks away]

Elf: That boy is our last hope.

Queen: I do not see a boy. I see a warrior.

[Chad is holding the sword as if it is his penis]

Chad: Ha-ha. Look!

Dwarf: Hah! It’s like his sword is his penis. Very clever.

[The End]

Office Hours

Mr. Buckley… Benedict Cumberbatch

Chad… Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

[Starts with Mr. Buckley and Chad talking in the school office]

Mr. Buckley: You know, that’s alright. Um, I do think that is what they kind of intended. For instance, people who speak exist. You and I are speaking, therefore you and I…

Chad: Exist?

Mr. Buckley: Congratulations. You just used your first Cartesian Logic.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: You know, I do hope you continue to drop by, Chad. I really quite enjoy our visits.

Chad: Okay.

[Mr. Buckley and Chad shake their hands.] [Mr. Buckley leans forward to kiss Chad]

Chad: No thanks.

Mr. Buckley: Oh, I’m so sorry. Um, that was unbelievably inappropriate behavior Chad. I apologize. I just– I- I- I misread the moment.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: I mistook your frequent visits here to mean something more.

Chad: Oh, my bad.

Mr. Buckley: No, it’s not your fault at all. Truth be told, I’m not being myself up late. [Stands and walks looking away] And this weekend, I’m getting married to a beautiful young lady.

Chad: Oh, congrats.

Mr. Buckley: Yet, I feel nothing, Chad. Nothing!

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: Oh, but that doesn’t matter because it’s all part of daddy’s master plan. You know, marry the rich girl from new port, become a professor and achieve 10 year by 40. God forbid! The great Lenard Buckley’s son should feel the love of another man!

[Mr. Buckley throws a globe away]

Chad: Another globe.

Mr. Buckley: I was drawn to you Chad because truth be told, I envy you. You’re a man who lives his life free from doubt and worry. I wanna be you Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: Oh, my word. This is so pathetic. Look at me. I’m a 28 year old professor’s assistant pouring my heart out to a sophomore student. Am I boring you?

Chad: Kind of.

Mr. Buckley: [looking at the ceiling] Argh! You can of course leave at any time you wish and spare yourself my ramblings. Though, I have to admit having an ear to bend makes a welcome–[door closing sound] [Mr. Buckley looks around. Chad isn’t there.]

Chad?

[Mr. Buckley runs out of his office]

Chad? Chad?

[Chad is skating away. He turns around.]

Chad: Wad up?

Mr. Buckley: Would you mind just getting back here for a moment? There’s something else I wanted to say to you.

Chad: Oh, okay.

[Chad skates towards Mr. Buckley’s office but he passes the door]

Mr. Buckley: Chad, you passed it.

Chad: Oh, my bad.

[Cut to Mr. Buckley and Chad getting in Mr. Buckley’s office]

Mr. Buckley: Chad, I hopefully can forget about my brief lack of self control today.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: I truly hope that my actions haven’t tainted our friendship.

Chad: Ha-ha. Taint.

Mr. Buckley: And lastly Chad, I want to thank you because today you taught me. For a brief moment, I wasn’t spectator to my own life. I was living it.

Chad: [farts] Safety.

Mr. Buckley: You’re right, Chad. I should laugh more. Anyway, I’d appreciate if you kept what happened between us today a secret.

Chad: Okay.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Hey, Chad! What the hell? What’s taking so long?

Chad: Oh, I’m sorry. Mr. Buckley tried to kiss me.

Mikey: Okay! Are you hungry?

Chad: Uh-huh.

[Chad and Mikey leave]

Mr. Buckley: You’re so right, Chad. I shouldn’t keep my secrets in the dark. Thank you Chad.

[looking at Chad and Mikey skating on the streets. Chad falls over the garbage.]

Mikey: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Mr. Buckley: Thank you.

Chad: Okay!

Affair with Chad

Chad… Pete Davidson

Miss Hanler… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Toby… Nick Jonas

[Starts with Chad cleaning the pool listening to the music] [Miss Hanler gets back home]

Miss Hanler: Chad! Chad!

Chad: [turns around] Wad up, miss Hanler?

[Chad walks in]

Hey.

Miss Hanler: Oh, my god.

[Chad and Miss Hanler start kissing]

Oh, oh. No, no Chad. We can’t do this anymore.

Chad: Oh, okay.

[Chad turns around and walks]

Miss Hanler: Wait. I couldn’t sleep last night.

Chad: Oh, I hate that.

Miss Hanler: What am I doing? Am I some bored housewife who is having an affair with her 23 year old poolboy? I mean, [hand gesturing] what is this?

Chad: Your kitchen.

Miss Hanler: No. I mean us. I really hope you understand that we have to end this.

Chad: Okay.

[Cut to Miss Hanler walking in her kitchen talking]

Miss Hanler: God, I had no idea it would be this hard. It’s just when we first–

[engine noise] [Cut to Chad. He is already at the pool outside cleaning it.]

Chad!

Chad: Wad up?

Miss Hanler: You deserve an explaination.

Chad: Oh, okay. Cool.

[Chad turns the engine off and walks in]

Miss Hanler: Look. You’ve done nothing wrong. Okay? I should have known better. But I don’t know. It was just– it was fun. It was new.

Chad: Okay.

Miss Hanler: But my god, I’m a married woman with three kids. My husband’s in the city council. I’ve put PTA present in at Melony’s school.

Chad: Who is Melony?

Miss Hanler: My daughter.

Chad: Okay.

Miss Hanler: God, if this got out it would just ruin my life. Our family’s lives.

Chad: Ah, my bad.

Miss Hanler: But all I want to do is clear the bags off this table and take me right down.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad starts putting the bags down.]

Miss Hanler: But you can’t.

Chad: Oh, okay.

[Chad puts the bags back on the table.]

Miss Hanler: Because I’ve learned that sometimes getting what you want means losing what you already have. [takes an envelope out] Look, I wrote this for you last night.

Chad: Oh, okay. [takes the envelope.]

Miss Hanler: Oh my god, I’m blushing. [closing eyes] I just want you to know that I’m not a very good writer. I mean it’s not sophisticated but it’s how I feel. I mean every word of what I wrote.

Chad: Whoa! [Cut to Chad. He is at the pool and he has found a dead squirrel] Hey, Miss Hanler, I found a dead squirrel in your pool. [He just throws the squirrel away and starts cleaning the pool] [Miss Hanler walks to the door and watches Chad clean the pool.]

Miss Hanler: Good bye, Chad.

[grass cutter engine sound] [Miss Hanler looks at lawn] [Cut to Toby using the grass cutter.]

Hello.

Toby: Wad up?

Miss Hanler: Where is Phillip?

Toby: My uncle just hired me. I’m going to be doing your house now. I’m Toby.

[Cut to Miss Hanler.]

Miss Hanler: [smiling] I wanna fuck that kid.

[The End]

Ronda Rousey Monologue

Ronda Rousey

Chad… Beck Bennett

Marc… Taran Killam

Coach… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Selena Gomez

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ronda Rousey.

[Ronda Rousey walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Ronda Rousey: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. And thank you for coming out even though there’s two feet of snow on the ground. They’ve closed Broadway. They’ve closed movie theatres. Even closed all the bars. Such a night, we’re literally the only show in town. I’m so excited to be here because its the first time I’ll be live on television without getting punched in the face. It’s also the first time I’m talking to my fans since I lost to Holly Holm in November which by the way was a fight Holly deserved to win. And I just want to take a minute to sincerely congratulate her. [a short applause by audience] That’s enough! All those who are worried that I’m not ready to host this show because I’ve been brain damaged, relax! I’m good. Besides, everything I need is on cue cards.

[Cut to cue card. The cue card says “Your name is Ronda Rousey.”]

But in all seriousness, I’m fine and tonight I’m ready to crush it.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks to the corner.] [Cut to Chad and Marc]

Chad: And that’s the end of the first round of monologue.

Marc: Ronda Rousey is off to a great start, don’t you think Chad?

Chad: I do, Marc. She’s warm yet funny. I like her chances tonight.

Marc: I mean, look at the funk as she prepares for next round.

[Cut to Ronda Rousey and Coach. Coach his her coach.]

Coach: Okay Ronda Baby. The crowd is with you. Now it’s time to really get them to make some noise.

Ronda Rousey: How am I supposed to do that, coach?

Coach: Well, you got to throw out some applause line. You know, stuff that they really cheer for.

Ronda Rousey: Isn’t that kind of cheap?

Coach: Do you wanna win this monologue or not? Now get your butt out there.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

Ronda Rousey: Sorry buddy. How does it feel to be in New York city?

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Coach nodding his head proudly.] [Cut to Ronda Rousey]

And how about this, who here likes cake?

[audience whooping] [Cut to Chad and Marc]

Marc: Oh! What a move going with cake.

Chad: Everybody loves cake Marc and Ronda knows that

Marc: Oh, looks like she’s getting ready for another joke.

[Cut to Ronda Rousey]

Ronda Rousey: So, what’s up with this wonder-storm, huh?

Chad: There’s the set up.

Ronda Rousey: I haven’t seen this many flakes since I joined tinder.

[Cut to Kyle in the audience looking sad]

Marc: Oh no. And a rare misstep for Ronda. Clearly some of our audience used Tinder.

Chad: That one took a lot out of her.

[Cut to Coach comforting Ronda Rousey]

Ronda Rousey: I don’t know. I don’t know if I can keep going coach. I’m so tired.

Coach: Well, you sleep there in Update. But right now, it’s time for a sure thing. Why don’t you hit them with a little bit of Kate McKinnon as Justin Bieber?

Ronda Rousey: But Justin Bieber isn’t even the news right now.

Coach: Don’t nobody care about that. Now go.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage] [Kate McKinnon as Justin Bieber walks in]

Justin Bieber: Hey girl, you’re not the only one who’s got quick moves. Watch me.

[Justin Bieber is jumping around]

Try and pop me. I bet you can’t pop me.

[Ronda Rousey slaps Justin Bieber]

Ow! She hit me. And now I got a boo-boo girl.

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Chad: Wow, and Ronda’s back with an assist by Bieber.

Marc: You know Chad, she’s gonna be asking by self will she join the ranks of all time champions Steve Martin?

Chad: It all depends on this final round.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

What’s this? Can it be a song?

[music stars playing. SNL cast members join Ronda Rousey as back up dancers.]

Marc: Oh! Look at this. The cast is joining her in.

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Oh my god! They’ve even given the audience cake.

[Cut to Kyle eating cake and laughing at the audience.] [Cut to Chad and Marc]

Unbelievable. I didn’t know that Ronda could sing, Chad!

[Cut to the stage]

Ronda Rousey: I can’t. Ladies and gentlemen, Selena Gomez.

[Selena Gomez walks in] [cheers and applause]

Chad: Oh my god! What a move. And Ronda Rousey has won the monologue.

[UFC bell rings]

Selena Gomez: [singing] When you’re ready come and get it.

All: Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Selena Gomez: [singing] When you’re ready come and get it.

All:Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Ronda Rousey: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Selena Gomez is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

BAMM – Bullies Against Mixed Martial Arts

Chad… Beck Bennett

Beckka… Ronda Rousey

Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with a basketball court in college decorated with dim lights for a romantic vibe. Chad brings in Beckka.]

Chad: Keep your eyes closed.

Beckka: Of course, Chad.

Chad: No peeking. [they walk forward] Alright.

[Beckka opens her eyes. There is a table for two and a disco-ball over it.]

Sorry it’s not a fancy restaurant

Beckka: This is so much better. I love it. You did all of this for me?

Chad: Well, yeah! I like you. I just wanted tonight to be special. [they take seat]

Beckka: I can’t believe I’m sitting here with Chad Channon. I didn’t even think you knew who I was.

Chad: Are you kidding me? I’ve had a crush on you for a while. [Beckka smiles] Try your soup.

Beckka: Wow, it’s so crunchy.

Chad: Do you like it?

Beckka: What is it?

[someone laughing at the mic]

Vanessa: It’s dog food.

[All the lights turn on. There are other girls laughing at Beckka.]

Congratulations, new girl.  You just ate real dog food. What’s the matter? Isn’t that what bitches eat?

[The girls come near Chad and Beckka]

Beckka: Chad, what’s going on?

Chad: What?

Vanessa: We played a trick on you, idiot! Did you really think that my boyfriend, the most popular guy at South Jeffery High would ask the weird new girl on a date? Wake up!

Beckka: You just pretended to like me chad?

Chad: Yeah, sorry.

Vanessa: How embarrassing for you. At least the whole school isn’t watching this on para-scope. Oh, wait! They are.

[Cut to Kate recording the video]

Kate: Say hi to the whole school.

Sasheer: A star is born.

Vanessa: What a shame too. She got all dolled up. Where did you get your dress? Is it from Walmart? See, I own this school. And you don’t talk to my boyfriend, and you cer–

[Beckka punches Vanessa on her face] [Vanessa is bleeding]

It’s okay, you guys. That barely hurt. [Vanessa walks to Beckka again] I hope it was worth it new girl because I am going to ruin your life. See, when you’re the popular–

[Beckka slaps Vanessa again]

Chad: Ah!

[Vanessa has Beckka’s palm marked on her cheek] [Beckka punches Vanessa on her face again]

Damn!

[Vanessa is clapping]

Vanessa: Bravo! But before you give an encore let me just say–

[Beckka slap-kicks Vanessa and Vanessa falls down] [Everyone is shocked] [Vanessa slowly stands up]

Are you mad that I knocked over the basketballs new girl?

Beckka: No. I kicked you into them.

Vanessa: Ooh, cool words. Well– [Vanessa takes a ball and throws at Beckka] Think fast!

[Beckka hits Vanessa with a ball so fast and Vanessa falls.] [Vanessa slowly stands up]

You wanna play dirty? Give it to me. I got your diary. [reading diary] Dear Dolly.

[Beckka beats Vanessa up bad]

Chad: What?

[Vanessa is knocked out and Beckka starts walking out] [Chad following Beckka]

Hey, Beckka. I saw what you did back there. It was pretty cool. You wanna grab a burger?

[Beckka hits Chad on his neck] [Cut to Vanessa on the floor all beat up.]

Vanessa: I’m fine.

Male voice: One in five bullies will be a victim of mixed martial arts. Don’t be a statistic. Brought to you by BAMM! Bullies against mixed martial arts.

Chad & RuPaul

RuPaul

Dante… Mikey Day

Chad… Pete Davidson

[Starts with RuPaul posing for photo shoot]

Dante: [taking pictures] Oh, just like that. Switch it up. Oh! Ah! Yes! Oh, gorgeous girl.

RuPaul: Hold on! Dante, can we stop?

Dante: What’s wrong, Ru? You look gorgeous.

RuPaul: I know I do. But, me on another cover of Drag magazine? I mean, it’s redundant!

Dante: Who else would it be, girl? You are Drag!

RuPaul: I mean, that’s the problem. Where is the next generation? Drag needs someone new. Someone like… [looks away] Like that. Who are you?

[Cut to Chad carrying a reflection board.]

Chad: Chad!

[Cut to RuPaul]

RuPaul: Everyone, take five! Leave me with the future of Drag.

Dante: Okay. Um, I guess we’re taking five.

[Everybody leaves except RuPaul and Chad] [RuPaul walks to Chad]

RuPaul: Um, that face! Those cheekbones! These eyes. There’s something dynamic about you boy!

Chad: Okay!

RuPaul: Have you ever done drag?

Chad: Nah! Just weed and pills.

RuPaul: There’s a queen inside of you, Chad. All she needs is a crown. Get my jest?

Chad: Ha-ha, jest.

RuPaul: Time to get you work, bitch! Let’s go. Step one, the tuck. No bulge, no bump. The junk goes in the trunk.

[Chad walks out wearing nothing but a white underwear.]

Oh, Chad! You need to tape it down and back. Not up and front.

Chad: Oh, my bad!

RuPaul: That said, you have a magnificent penis.

Chad: Oh, thank you.

RuPaul: Step two, the look.

[Chad walking wearing women’s dress]

Oh! How do you feel?

Chad: Gay!

RuPaul: Perfect! Now, the look is incomplete without the–

[Chad is shaking the breast part of the dress.]

Chad! Leave the chicken cutlets alone, child! You gonna pop your tug!

Chad: Okay!

RuPaul: Now, Chad! We need to beat–

Chad: Off?

RuPaul: Chad, we need to beat your face. For the gods! Step three, the face.

[Cut to RuPaul putting some make up on Chad. Chad is wearing fake breasts.]

May I?

Chad: Okay!

RuPaul: Oh, that is definitely your color, Chad! Now, pop your lips like you’re about to kiss.

[Chad pouts and then starts sticking his tongue out]

Wow! Wow! Wow! Chad, darling! I’m a married man.

Chad: You’re a man?

RuPaul: Did you not know that?

Chad: No.

RuPaul: Huh! The look is only half the battle. Now, you need to own it. Baby, it is time to feel the fantasy, like this.

[RuPaul posing with glamour]

Hah! Now, you’re turn, Chad!

[Cut to Chad all looking like a woman]

Find a song that speaks to the new you. You know, the queen that you really are. The time has come for you to lipsync for your life!

Chad: Okay!

[RuPaul leaves the stage and Dante goes up.] [Chad starts dancing awkwardly in hiphop beat]

RuPaul: Work it girl! Oh, you gonna do that? Ha-ha! I love it! Oh! You’re goddess. You’re perfection! 10. 10’s across the board. Now, let me see you sissy that wob.

[Chad falls on the table]

Oh, [bleep] ! Oh, my goodness! Are you okay, Chad?

Chad: All good.

RuPaul: Chad, no, that wasn’t good, honey. Look, I can mold you into the next RuPaul and if you wanna be the best, you gotta be willing to work your padded ass off! So, I’ll ask you one more time, Chad. Do you want to be the greatest Drag Queen in the world?

Chad: Nah!

RuPaul: Then you should turn and walk away.

Chad: Okay! Bye RuPaul.

[Chad walks away] [Cut to RuPaul. Dante walks in.]

Dante: Should I go–

RuPaul: Shh! Some horses were born to run wild!

[Cut to Drag magazine with Chad on it’s cover page.] [The End]

Grow-a-Guy

Sasheer Zamata

Clint… Beck Bennett

Venessa Bayer

Trevor… Mike O’Brien

Pete Davidson

Chad… James Franco

[Starts with five friends. They are having camp fire.] [Everyone is laughing]

Sasheer: That wasn’t even the worst. The worst was when he was walking around with toilet with toilet paper hanging out of the back of his pants all day.

[Cut to everyone laughing] [Clint is looking at Venessa]

Clint: Check out Trevor. So quiet.

Venessa: Clint!

Trevor: I talked like, a minute ago.

Clint: Bro, can I ask? Are we your only friends?

Trevor: What are you talking about?

Venessa: Clint! Don’t!

Clint: No, no. I’m genuinely asking. I’m helping the guy. Do you have any other friends besides us?

[Cut to Trevor]

Trevor: Um, I’ve got, um… friend named Chad who goes to another school. You wouldn’t know. It’s funny, it’s crap.

Clint: You should bring him up here next weekend.

Trevor: I will. If you want. If it–

[Cut to Trevor in his room walking here and there.] [Trevor looks at a magazine.]

Trevor: Grow a guy.

[Cut to Trevor unboxing the package.] [Trevor reads the manual and puts in the formula] [Trevor is literally growing a person. First in a can, then in a fish bowl.] [Cut to Trevor smiling]

Trevor: Oh, hello there.

[Cut to Chad in Trevor’s arms looking confused.] [Chad is crying and feeding like a baby.] [Trevor is teaching Chad other stuffs.]

Trevor: Wikipesia. These are tweets. This is all Guardians of the Galaxy. Popular movie.

[Cut to the friends camping again.  Chad is also there.]

Clint: Just stick it in there little bit more.

Venessa: Okay, everybody shut up for a second.

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

I’ve got a game. Alright? Just close your eyes. Okay, you’re gonna thank me. [Cut to everybody closing their eyes.] Now, picture Mr. Douis having sex.

Everybody: Ah!

Pete: What do you guys think like, his dating situation is for real?

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Trevor: Genuinely, I’d rather picture him having sex than on a date.

[Everyone laughs]

Venessa: You’re so right, Trevor.

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Hey, Chad. I can see you can drink my beer. Can you talk too?

Venessa: Clint!

Clint: What? I’m genuinely asking.

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Chad: I am Groot. That is funny. Guardians!

[Everybody laughing]

I can talk. Hey, what are hashtags?

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Say that again?

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Chad: No, I get that they’re to flag a socialble term in your tweet but wouldn’t it work just the same if you didn’t put the number symbol there?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: What?

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Chad: I’m seriously asking.

Trevor: Chad, drop it. It’s nothing.

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Hey, can I ask you something, bro? Are you a grow a guy? Because I’m not super thrilled by the idea of a grow a guy eating my family’s marshmallows at our nice ass lake house. So, I guess I’m curious. Chad? Are you a grow a guy?

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Chad: Yes, I am that.

Clint: Yes, I knew it. I win. No other friends!

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Trevor: This sucks. God, you don’t even work. I’m throwing you out.

Chad: Actually, you don’t have to do that. We self-destruct.

Trevor: Like how would you–

[Chad bursts] [Cut to Sasheer and Pete]

Pete: I mean, he kind of did have a point bout the hasntags, right?

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Are you a grow a guy too?

[Cut to Sasheer and Pete. Pete smiles and bursts.] [cut to Trevor]

Trevor: Guess, he was a grow a guy.

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Yeah! Me too. Peace!

[Clint also bursts] [Cut to Sasheer, Venessa and Trevor]

Trevor: I guess it’s just me and the ladies.

[Sasheer and Venessa burst too. Trevor is alone.]

Chad & JLo

Jennifer Lopez

Chad… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Jennifer Lopez rehearsing her show at SNL stage.] [music playing] [Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Okay. That will work. Thanks guys. I’ll see you tonight. Can you leave my mic open? I’m going to work on some stuff by myself. Thanks, guys.

[lights turned off] [singing]

All eyes on me, but my eyes on you

[sound disturbance] [Jennifer Lopez turns back]

Hello.

[Cut to Chad trying to unwire his guitar jack]

Chad: What up?

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Oh, it’s you. You’re that roadie. You know, I’ve been meaning to ask. What is your name?

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Chad.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Chad. Nice to put a name to that handsome face.

[Jennifer Lopez and Chad are staring at each other] [Cut to Chad]

Chad: Who are you?

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Jennifer Lopez.

Chad: Okay.

Jennifer Lopez: Yeah. Sing here. [Cut to Jennifer Lopez and Chad] Did you hear me singing?

Chad: Yeah.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Did you like what you heard?

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: No.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: God! That is so refreshing. You know, I appreciate your honesty. Since we’re being honest, I have a little confession. Ever since I first saw you, I haven’t been able to get you out of my – [sound disturbance] [cut to Chad connecting his guitar not listening to Jennifer Lopez]

Chad!

Chad: What up?

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Can you not do that now? I’m trying to talk to you.

[Cut to Chad.]

Chad: Oh, okay. [Chad throws the guitar away and walks towards Jennifer Lopez] [Cut to Jennifer Lopez Chad]

Jennifer Lopez: You know, I shouldn’t have these feelings for you, Chad. I just got engaged.

Chad: Congrats.

Jennifer Lopez: And I’m in love with Alex.

Chad: Who that?

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Rodriguez. A-Rod.

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Heh-heh, Rod.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: What more could a girl want. He was a Yankee.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Chad:  Heh, yank.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez turns back and continues speaking]

Jennifer Lopez: Part of me just want to say screw and it make crazy love to you on the stage right here.

[Cut to chad naked on the stage when Jennifer Lopez is not looking]

Chad: Sick.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: But, I can’t.

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Okay. [Chad wears his clothes] [Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: I’m sorry, Chad. Is this making you uncomfortable?

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: I’m good.

Jennifer Lopez: It’s crazy, we just met but I feel like you see me. [Cut to Jennifer Lopez and Chad] It’s funny, when you’re up here on stage in front of thousands of people screaming you name, its easy to get lost in it.

[Chad falls off the stage]

Chad! Are you all right?

Chad: I’m good.

[Jennifer Lopez pulls Chad back to the stage laughing]

Jennifer Lopez: Did you fall off the stage just to make me laugh?

Chad: No.

Jennifer Lopez: Yeah, right. Flirt. [Chad farts] You know, I’ve seen you watching me dance during my show. I’ve seen you looking at my—

[Cut to and Chad]

Chad: Tities?

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: You’re bad, Chad. Do you want to dance?

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Okay. [Chad holds a chair in front of him and starts dancing by himself]

Jennifer Lopez: No, I mean slow dance.

[Chad slows down but still is dancing by himself] [Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Oh, god! You’re too much. Come here.

[Chad walks near Jennifer Lopez] [They are dancing] [Chad burps]

Somebody had Doritos.

[Chad’s hand is full of sauce and he is holding Jennifer Lopez on her waist]

Now where were we?

[Jennifer Lopez moves forward to kiss Chad]

Alex: Jen?

Jennifer Lopez: Alex! This is my new choreographer.

Chad: No, I’m not.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: I hope you’re happy.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez and Chad]

Jennifer Lopez: Alex, wait. Chad, I have to go after him.

Chad: Okay.

Jennifer Lopez: And I think you should leave the tour. Goodbye, Chad.

Chad: Goodbye, J-Lo.