Chad Archives - Page 2 of 2 - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Grow-a-Guy

Sasheer Zamata

Clint… Beck Bennett

Venessa Bayer

Trevor… Mike O’Brien

Pete Davidson

Chad… James Franco

[Starts with five friends. They are having camp fire.]

[Everyone is laughing]

Sasheer: That wasn’t even the worst. The worst was when he was walking around with toilet with toilet paper hanging out of the back of his pants all day.

[Cut to everyone laughing]

[Clint is looking at Venessa]

Clint: Check out Trevor. So quiet.

Venessa: Clint!

Trevor: I talked like, a minute ago.

Clint: Bro, can I ask? Are we your only friends?

Trevor: What are you talking about?

Venessa: Clint! Don’t!

Clint: No, no. I’m genuinely asking. I’m helping the guy. Do you have any other friends besides us?

[Cut to Trevor]

Trevor: Um, I’ve got, um… friend named Chad who goes to another school. You wouldn’t know. It’s funny, it’s crap.

Clint: You should bring him up here next weekend.

Trevor: I will. If you want. If it–

[Cut to Trevor in his room walking here and there.]

[Trevor looks at a magazine.]

Trevor: Grow a guy.

[Cut to Trevor unboxing the package.]

[Trevor reads the manual and puts in the formula]

[Trevor is literally growing a person. First in a can, then in a fish bowl.]

[Cut to Trevor smiling]

Trevor: Oh, hello there.

[Cut to Chad in Trevor’s arms looking confused.]

[Chad is crying and feeding like a baby.]

[Trevor is teaching Chad other stuffs.]

Trevor: Wikipesia. These are tweets. This is all Guardians of the Galaxy. Popular movie.

[Cut to the friends camping again. Chad is also there.]

Clint: Just stick it in there little bit more.

Venessa: Okay, everybody shut up for a second.

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

I’ve got a game. Alright? Just close your eyes. Okay, you’re gonna thank me. [Cut to everybody closing their eyes.] Now, picture Mr. Douis having sex.

Everybody: Ah!

Pete: What do you guys think like, his dating situation is for real?

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Trevor: Genuinely, I’d rather picture him having sex than on a date.

[Everyone laughs]

Venessa: You’re so right, Trevor.

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Hey, Chad. I can see you can drink my beer. Can you talk too?

Venessa: Clint!

Clint: What? I’m genuinely asking.

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Chad: I am Groot. That is funny. Guardians!

[Everybody laughing]

I can talk. Hey, what are hashtags?

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Say that again?

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Chad: No, I get that they’re to flag a socialble term in your tweet but wouldn’t it work just the same if you didn’t put the number symbol there?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: What?

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Chad: I’m seriously asking.

Trevor: Chad, drop it. It’s nothing.

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Hey, can I ask you something, bro? Are you a grow a guy? Because I’m not super thrilled by the idea of a grow a guy eating my family’s marshmallows at our nice ass lake house. So, I guess I’m curious. Chad? Are you a grow a guy?

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Chad: Yes, I am that.

Clint: Yes, I knew it. I win. No other friends!

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Trevor: This sucks. God, you don’t even work. I’m throwing you out.

Chad: Actually, you don’t have to do that. We self-destruct.

Trevor: Like how would you–

[Chad bursts]

[Cut to Sasheer and Pete]

Pete: I mean, he kind of did have a point bout the hasntags, right?

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Are you a grow a guy too?

[Cut to Sasheer and Pete. Pete smiles and bursts.]

[cut to Trevor]

Trevor: Guess, he was a grow a guy.

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Yeah! Me too. Peace!

[Clint also bursts]

[Cut to Sasheer, Venessa and Trevor]

Trevor: I guess it’s just me and the ladies.

[Sasheer and Venessa burst too. Trevor is alone.]

Chad & JLo

Jennifer Lopez

Chad… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Jennifer Lopez rehearsing her show at SNL stage.]

[music playing]

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Okay. That will work. Thanks guys. I’ll see you tonight. Can you leave my mic open? I’m going to work on some stuff by myself. Thanks, guys.

[lights turned off]

[singing]

All eyes on me, but my eyes on you

[sound disturbance]

[Jennifer Lopez turns back]

Hello.

[Cut to Chad trying to unwire his guitar jack]

Chad: What up?

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Oh, it’s you. You’re that roadie. You know, I’ve been meaning to ask. What is your name?

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Chad.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Chad. Nice to put a name to that handsome face.

[Jennifer Lopez and Chad are staring at each other]

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Who are you?

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Jennifer Lopez.

Chad: Okay.

Jennifer Lopez: Yeah. Sing here. [Cut to Jennifer Lopez and Chad] Did you hear me singing?

Chad: Yeah.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Did you like what you heard?

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: No.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: God! That is so refreshing. You know, I appreciate your honesty. Since we’re being honest, I have a little confession. Ever since I first saw you, I haven’t been able to get you out of my – [sound disturbance]

[cut to Chad connecting his guitar not listening to Jennifer Lopez]

Chad!

Chad: What up?

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Can you not do that now? I’m trying to talk to you.

[Cut to Chad.]

Chad: Oh, okay. [Chad throws the guitar away and walks towards Jennifer Lopez]

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez Chad]

Jennifer Lopez: You know, I shouldn’t have these feelings for you, Chad. I just got engaged.

Chad: Congrats.

Jennifer Lopez: And I’m in love with Alex.

Chad: Who that?

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Rodriguez. A-Rod.

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Heh-heh, Rod.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: What more could a girl want. He was a Yankee.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Chad: Heh, yank.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez turns back and continues speaking]

Jennifer Lopez: Part of me just want to say screw and it make crazy love to you on the stage right here.

[Cut to chad naked on the stage when Jennifer Lopez is not looking]

Chad: Sick.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: But, I can’t.

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Okay. [Chad wears his clothes]

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: I’m sorry, Chad. Is this making you uncomfortable?

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: I’m good.

Jennifer Lopez: It’s crazy, we just met but I feel like you see me. [Cut to Jennifer Lopez and Chad] It’s funny, when you’re up here on stage in front of thousands of people screaming you name, its easy to get lost in it.

[Chad falls off the stage]

Chad! Are you all right?

Chad: I’m good.

[Jennifer Lopez pulls Chad back to the stage laughing]

Jennifer Lopez: Did you fall off the stage just to make me laugh?

Chad: No.

Jennifer Lopez: Yeah, right. Flirt. [Chad farts] You know, I’ve seen you watching me dance during my show. I’ve seen you looking at my—

[Cut to and Chad]

Chad: Tities?

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: You’re bad, Chad. Do you want to dance?

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Okay. [Chad holds a chair in front of him and starts dancing by himself]

Jennifer Lopez: No, I mean slow dance.

[Chad slows down but still is dancing by himself]

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Oh, god! You’re too much. Come here.

[Chad walks near Jennifer Lopez]

[They are dancing]

[Chad burps]

Somebody had Doritos.

[Chad’s hand is full of sauce and he is holding Jennifer Lopez on her waist]

Now where were we?

[Jennifer Lopez moves forward to kiss Chad]

Alex: Jen?

Jennifer Lopez: Alex! This is my new choreographer.

Chad: No, I’m not.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: I hope you’re happy.

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez and Chad]

Jennifer Lopez: Alex, wait. Chad, I have to go after him.

Chad: Okay.

Jennifer Lopez: And I think you should leave the tour. Goodbye, Chad.

Chad: Goodbye, J-Lo.

Cut for Time: Chad’s Journey | Season 44 Episode 19

Chad… Pete Davidson

Angel… Mikey Day

Brad… Adam Sandler

Doctor… Heidi Gardner

Assistant… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Chad puts a fork on a plate of his foot. Then he puts it into he micro-oven and turns it on. He starts using his phone. There’s an explosion in his house.]

[Cut to Chad is over the skies and clouds]

[An angel appears]

Angel: Hello Chad. Welcome to the afterlife. I’m afraid to say you have died.

Chad: Okay.

Angel: Chad. You were taken too soon. Which means you have a choice to make. Go that way and you will return to the realm of the living.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad turns around and heads that way]

Angel: Wait, Chad!

[Cut TO Chad IS getting AED shock. Chad wakes up.]

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: We got a pulse.

Assistant: Welcome back kid.

[Cut to the angel, Chad, Heidi and Kenan]

Angel: Chad, we’re not quite done.

[Angel takes the soul out of Chad. Chad dies again.]

Doctor: Damn it!

[Cut to a person standing on a mystic place]

Angel: Before you stands someone you wanted to meet your entire life.

[Cut to angel and Chad]

Chad: Thanos?

Angel: No, not Thanos.

Chad: Machine Gun Kelly?

Angel: Chad! Let me finish. This is someone who dies before you were born. [Cut to Brad, turning behind slowly. He has a baseball and a glove] Chad, this is your father.

[Cut to Chad and angel]

Chad: What up?

Angel: And Brad, this is your son.

[Cut to Brad]

Brad: Okay, cool.

[Cut to angel and Chad. Angel hands Chad a baseball glove]

Angel: I’ll leave you. I think you two have some catching up to do. And remember–

[Cut to Brad]
Brad: Catch!

[Brad throws the ball. The ball hit’s Chad’s face and he falls down.]

[Cut to angel]
Angel: He wasn’t ready Brad!

[Cut to Brad]
Brad: My bad.

[Cut to angel and Chad]

Angel: Chad, are you okay?

Chad: Yes, it’s all good.

Angel: You need to wait until he’s ready. Everything you always wanted to say to each other, now is the time.

[Cut to Chad. He is looking at the ball]

[Cut to Brad, he waves his gloves.]

[Cut to angel, he nods his head]

[Chad throws the ball. The ball goes somewhere else.]

[Cut to Brad]

Brad: I’ll get it.

[Cut to angel]

Angel: Brad! [Cut to Brad]Brad!

[Cut to Brad looking for ball inside the bush]
Brad: What’s up?

[Cut to angel]
Angel: Come, be with your son.

[Cut to Brad]

Brad: But the ball?

[Cut to angel]
Angel: It doesn’t matter. The ball’s deep in the bushes. Forget.

[Cut to split screen of Chad and Brad]

Chad and Brad: Ball’s deep in the bush?

[Cut to angel]

Angel: The game of catch was just a means for Chad to find closure so he can return to earth and live his life to the fullest.

[Cut to Brad]

Brad: It’s just, the ball is not mine.

Angel: It’s fine. Your son is wait– where did he go? Chad!

[Cut to Brad in the bushes]
Chad: What up? [Chad also comes out of the bushes]

Angel: Don’t worry about looking for the ball.

Chad: Oh, I was taking a piss.

[Cut to angel]
Angel: Of course, you were. Okay guys, just, both of you come here.

[Cut to Chad and Brad coming out of the bushes]

[Cut to angel, Chad and Brad]

Angel: Chad, this is the man you have wondered about your entire life. Do you have anything to say to him?

[Cut to Chad]
Chad: I’m good.

[Cut to angel]

Angel: All right, let’s try this. Brad, do you have anything to ask [Cut to Brad] your son?

Brad: You got a big dick?

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Oh, no doubt.

[Cut to Brad]
Brad: Hell, yeah!

[Brad and Chad shake their hands]

[Cut to angel]

Angel: Well, that’s going to have to do. All right, go forth Chad into the light and live your life in new.

[Cut to Chad]
Chad: Okay.

[Chad turns around and walks to the light]

[Cut to Brad watching him leave]

[Cut to Chad turning around to look at Brad]

[Chad farts]

Chad: Safety!

[Cut to Brad nodding his head]

[Cut to Chad walks through]

[Cut to the doctor covering Chad’s body]

Assistant: You did everything you could.

[Chad wakes up]

Chad: What up?

Assistant: Oh shit!

[Assistant punches Chad and knocks him out]

Chad Horror Movie | Season 44 Episode 14

Ferguson Toddle, Scream-like killer … John Mulaney

Chad… Pete Davidson

[Starts with a house at night. Chad is watching TV alone. The phone rings. Chad answers the phone.]

Chad: Hello?

Scream-like killer: Hello Chad.

Chad: Who is this?

[Cut to Scream-like killer]

Scream-like killer: Ah, ah, ah. I ask the question here.

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: This Matt?

Scream-like killer: No. Tell me Chad–

Chad: This Kelly?

[Cut to Scream-like killer]

Scream-like killer: No, do you want to play a game?

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Oh, no thanks.

[Chad hangs up the phone]

[The phone rings again]

Chad: Hello?

[Cut to Scream-like killer]

Scream-like killer: Sorry, Chad. You can’t say no to a game [Cut to Chad] that you’re already playing.

Chad: Okay.

Scream-like killer: And Ill know if you’re cheating, Chad, because I’m watching you right now.

[Cut to Scream-like killer watching what Chad is doing in the screens before him]

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Okay.

[Cut to Scream-like killer]

Scream-like killer: And because I’m there, I’ll let you put some shorts on before we start.

[Cut to Chad. He is naked from the bottom.]

Chad: I’m good.

[Cut to Scream-like killer]

Scream-like killer: I’m not asking.

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Oh, okay.

Scream-like killer: Tell me Chad, what’s your biggest fear?

Chad: Dick falls off.

[Cut to Scream-like killer]

Scream-like killer: But I bet you [Cut to Chad] also fear death, and if you lose my game, your pretty little throat will get slit.

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Ha-ha, slit.

Scream-like killer: Turn the patio light on.

Chad: Okay.

Scream-like killer: I have something I want you to see. [Pete is trying to turn the patio lights but he keeps on using the wrong switches] That’s no. Patio lights.

Chad: Okay.

Scream-like killer: No, that turned on the hall light. The other one. Patio lights. No. Oh my god. Never mind. Your girlfriend’s head is out there.

Chad: I don’t have a girlfriend.

Scream-like killer: Then who is Ashley.

Chad: We just [Bleep].

[The doorbell rings]

Scream-like killer: Ah, the pizza’s here Chad. Better answer the door.

Chad: Lit.

[Chad leaves the phone at the couch]

Scream-like killer: Strange that you didn’t order pizza. Hello?

[Chat opens the door]

[Chad takes the pizza from the pizza guy. The pizza guy is stabbed on stomach and dying but Chad doesn’t notice and closes the door.]

Chad: Thanks.

Scream-like killer: Shame about the pizza guy, [Cut to Chad eating pizza on the couch] but now you know the game is real, and the stakes are – Chad, can you get a plate. [Cut to Scream-like killer] You’re eating pizza over your mom’s white couch and rug, [Cut to Chad] and I know you’re going to spill it. There’s one under the pizza box.

Chad: Okay. [Chad raises the pizza box to get the plate. The whole pizza falls off the box] Got it.

[Cut to Scream-like killer standing in front of Chad]

Scream-like killer: Hello Chad.

Chad: [Chad not realizing it’s the same person on the phone] Hold up. Hello.

Scream-like killer: No chad, I’m the person who was on the phone.

Chad: Oh, what up? [Chat hangs up the phone]

[Cut to Scream-like killer]

Scream-like killer: You might remember me Chad. We grew up together. You called me every name in the book [Cut to Chad] except my own. [Cut to Scream-like killer opens the mask. He is very angry] Ferguson Toddle.

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Oh, nice to meet you.

[Cut to Ferguson Toddle]

Ferguson Toddle: We’ve met. All through middle school you tormented me. You teased me. You made my life a living hell.

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Oh, my bad.

[Cut to Ferguson Toddle]

Ferguson Toddle: You slept with my girlfriend.

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Oh, I’m sorry.

[Cut to Ferguson Toddle]

Ferguson Toddle: My sister.

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: A word?

[Cut to Ferguson Toddle]

Ferguson Toddle: My mother.

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: She good?

[Cut to Ferguson Toddle]

Ferguson Toddle: hatred towards you grew in me like a cancer, a cancer that rotted away until I—are you watching TV? [Ferguson Toddle looks at the TV]

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Ridiculousness.

[Cut to the TV]

TV: Yo, this kid falls right the hell off his –

[Cut to Ferguson Toddle]

Ferguson Toddle: Chad, do you understand what’s going on?

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Safety.

[Cut to Ferguson Toddle]

Ferguson Toddle: I’m going to kill you, Chad.

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Oh, no thanks.

[Cut to Ferguson Toddle]

Ferguson Toddle: Oh, I’m afraid [Ferguson raises his knife] you don’t have a choice. Ha-ha-ha. [Ferguson Toddle tries to run towards Chad but slips on the fallen pizza and stabs himself] Game over, Chad. [Ferguson Toddle dies]

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Okay.