New York Now

Jen Jen Binks… Vanessa Bayer

Sara Hors… Sasheer Zamata

Nate Rivers… Kyle Mooney

Penny… Kate McKinnon

Ronnie… Casey Affleck

Mary Kay… Cecily Strong

Isaac… Chance the Rapper

Robin… Mikey Day

[Starts with Jen Jen Binks and Sara Hors in their set]

Jen Jen Binks: Welcome to another installment of New York now.

Sara Hors: The show where we fill you on what’s happening around the city. I’m Sara Hors.

Jen Jen Binks: And I’m Jen Jen Binks. It’s no secret when it comes to Christmas, New Yorkers know how to celebrate.

Sara Hors: That’s right. And our own Nate Rivers has a special report on a very unique nativity pageant that’s bringing the laughs to long islanders.

Jen Jen Binks: Take it away Nate.

[Cut to Nate Rivers]

Nate Rivers: Thanks, ladies. Today I’m on the set of Silent Night, HIlarious Night, a Christmas nativity pageant with a broad comedic take on the birth of Christ. Let’s take a quick look at some extremely funny highlights.

[Cut to show video]

Penny: Joseph, where have you been?

Ronnie: Well, I was just looking at the bill from the inn keeper.

Mary Kay: They gotta get out of here. [hold’s a lamb poster] I’m gonna ride home in my lamb-orghini.

Ronnie: What did the wisemen bring?

Penny: Well, they brought frankincense myrrh and peanut brittle.

[Cut to Penny, Ronnie, Mary Kay and Nate Rivers]

Nate Rivers: I”m here now with the show’s creators, Penny, Ronnie and Mary Kay.

Ronnie: Hello.

Mary Kay: Hi.

Penny: Welcome.

Nate Rivers: Your show has been getting quite a bit of buzz.

Ronnie: Oh, we know.

Mary Kay: We’re blessed.

Penny: We’re sold out almost every night.

Nate Rivers: Tell me about your pageant and what makes it so special.

Ronnie: Well, we took the story of Christ and we just blew it out.

Penny: Yeah, yeah. We kept the basic plot and then we just added tons of jokes.

Mary Kay: Tond!

Ronnie: So many jokes.

Nate Rivers: Sounds hilarious. And you act in the show as well?

Penny: Yeah, we kind of had to. You know, we had kids in it but we had to let them go. Coz the kids just have no comedic instinct. They’re not funny like us.

Mary Kay: They’re not half as funny. That’s the whole show.

Ronnie: Well, you got to get the laugh.

Penny: Yeah, yeah. So, in this show, I play Mary.

Ronnie: And I play Joseph. And I’m always saying [loudly] “My wife”, which is like from the “Borat” movie of course.

Penny: Yeah, yeah. WE borrow jokes that we like.

Mary Kay: Yeah, and my character is just like their nosy neighbor, you know? Always looking out of my window going, “What are they up to?”

Penny: Yeah, which is already funny because [gibberish] — the whole idea of a neighbor at Christ’s birth.

Nate Rivers: Wow! And you thought you were funnier than the kids?

Mary Kay: That’s right. We had to get rid of the kids.

Penny: Yeah. They weren’t funny.

Ronnie: Well, yeah. There’s this one part where she’s just giving birth to Jesus, and I look over and say, “Mary, high-five, we did it.”

Penny: And I’m like, “We? I would love to know how ‘we’ accomplished any of this.”

Ronnie: And then I say, “Don’t make me horny baby,” which is from the Austin Power’s film.

Mary Kay: [laughing] And then I come in, I look at the donkey and I say, “Talk about a jackass, right?” And you know, those are the kind of jokes that the kids enjoy but just can’t execute.

Penny: Oh, this is good, come here. My husband Isaac plays the three wise men. Look at him. Do little of your song.

[Isaac walks in. He has two other puppets wearing human clothes attached on both his sides.]

Isaac: It’s us, the three wisemen. We brought you this gift. Enjoy this. Take away, fellas.

[music playing] [singing] Da-da-da-da-da-da, three wise men
Da-da-da-da-da-da, three wise men

[Isaac walks out]

Mary Kay: Is that great or is that great?

Ronnie: Now you see, not oly can a child no perform the adult humor, but they couldn’t physically carry the puppets. So…

[Robin walks in]

Robin: Ma? Ma?

Penny: What? What Robin?

Robin: Do you have time to talk to me later?

Penny: No. I’m doing my pageant thing right now. All day.

Robin: I want to talk to you about sex and drugs.

Penny: No. Not right now.

Robin: [yelling] You’re letting me down, ma!

[Robin leaves]

Mary Kay: See? Kids! This is why they can’t be a part of what we’re doing here.

Penny: No, no. They can’t see bigger than them.

Nate Rivers: Wow! Thanks so much. I can’t believe I got through this interview with a straight face. [laughing] If you’re in the Long Island area, be sure to check out the funniest birth of Jesus you’re likely to ever see. For New York now, I’m Nate Rivers.

Ronnie: Ha-ha. [shouting] My wife!

Jingle Barack (Chance the Rapper)

Kenan Thompson

Chance the Rapper

Leslie Jones

[Starts with 1 and 2 walking in with big jewelry chains on. It looks like an old-school hiphop music video.] [music playing]

Speaker 1: Yo! It’s been a dope eight years but now we got one last Christmas with Barack Obama. So if we going out, we going out with a bang!

Speaker 2: Let’s get Holly and Jolly, y’all! shall we?

Speaker 1: [rapping] It’s December 24th in the USA
and the party’s going down in a major way
the DJ is bopping

Speaker 2: Crazy snow outside!

Speaker 1: There’s eggnog

Speaker 2: And chicken

Speaker 1: And turkey

1 and 2: And fries.

Speaker 1: We still got Barack

Speaker 2: So you now what that means

Speaker 1: We shooting some hoops

1 and 2: In high waist jeans.

Speaker 1: So test this season

1 and 2: Let’s spread some cheer

Speaker 1: It’s the last Christmas

1 and 2: With Barack still here.

Speaker 1: La-la-la-la-last Christmas
Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Barack still here

Speaker 1: Hey kids, enjoy the presents while you can
coz next year you might get a bomb from Iran
man, we got birth control under the tree
and we stuffing every stocking with legal weed

Hey, Brad

Speaker 2: Hey, Mike

1 and 2: Get married tonight

Speaker 1: And real quick, let all the immigrants inside
So go nuts–

Speaker 2: Before the north poles disappear

Speaker 1: Coz it’s the last Christmas

1 and 2: Before Trump next year.

Speaker 1: La-la-la-la-last Christmas
Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Barack still here

La-la-la-la-last Christmas
Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-before Trump next year.

Speaker 1: Oh, snap! Even Jesus is getting down.

Speaker 2: Dang, Jesus. I didn’t know you were a democrat.

This year I bought four Christmas trees
stock piled all the Home Alone DVDs
I got batteries, can food, everything I need
there probably never be another Christmas eve
been drinking eggnog like I don’t care
I’ma hurt myself before we lose Obamacare
Say goodbye to Barack, say goodbye December
for our new holiday called ‘Regular Winter’

even Kanye is endorsing him
got Obama back smoking Newports again
left the cookies and will and testament
for the first, maybe last black president there
I’m decked out in Santa gear from heard to toe
Then I noticed Papa wasn’t in his festive clothes
I said, “Dad, what’s wrong?” and he said back
“Never trust a white dude wearing no read hat.”

1 and 2: La-la-la-la-last Christmas
Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Barack still here
La-la-la-la-last Christmas
Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-before Trump next year.

[3 makes an appearance]

Speaker 3: Here I go, here I go, here I go
again girls, what’s my weakness? Joe Biden
he makes me feel funny in the Christmas brief
with his aviator shades and his big ass teeth
wanna take a freaky ride with air-trek Joe
we could share ice cream under mistle toe
so Joe, let’s snuggle up for a four year nap
And I’ll take what I want while I sit on your lap

1 and 2: Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle Barack
I do the jingle Barack
last Christmas with Obama
so hug your baby mama
I do the jingle Barack

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle Barack
I do the jingle Barack
last Christmas with Obama
so hug your baby mama
might be the very last Christmas

[Cut to video clip of Barack Obama’s mic drop]

Tasty Toaster Tarts

Melissa Villaseñor

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Jason… Chance the Rapper

[Starts with four friends walking in the house]

Melissa: I’m starving.

Heidi: Yeah, I need a snack, pronto.

Mikey: Yeah, got anything good to eat Jason?

Jason: I don’t know, let’s find out.

[Cut to Jason opens the cupboars]

Let’s see. We’ve got chips, popcorn, cookies, fruit snacks.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Awesome!

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Chocolate snaps, crispy cakes, nut Fudgies.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: Snack-a-licious!

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Pretzel Rods, Cheddar Chunkies.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Any of those sound awesome.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Gummy Tummies, Chocko Rings.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: That’s a lot of snacks.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Corn Nuggets, cheese Balls.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Maybe too many snacks.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: We’ve got Dingle Doodles, Candy Beans.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Your parents buy you all that?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Yep. Fig twisties, Banana ramas.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: I thought you parents were like super strict?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: They used to be. Not anymore.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Don’t they make you go to church like twice a day?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Not anymore. We’ve got lemon sours, lime sours, cereal bars.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Where are your parents?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: On vacation. Roasty toasties.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Without you?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Yep. S’mores snacks, Wingo Dingoes? [Cut to Mikey looking around suspiciously] Prune Poppers, Mini Miffins, Pizza pieces, Yummy Crunchers, Razzie Tassies, Tatsy Terbies. [Cut to family photo of Jason. He has scratched out his parents’ faces.] Corn Crispies, Cocoa anybodies, Munch Mix. [Cut to Mikey sees the floor with the blood mark and a brush that cleaned it] Corn Crispies. Cocoa Anobodies. Rough and Puffies.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Smells kind of weird in here, right?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: No. Crunchy Cake, Nom Noms.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: It’s coming from the fridge.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: No, it’s not! [Cut to Heidi looks at the fridge. Jason has taped around the fridge in a way that it can’t be opened.] Wacky tacky tangoes.

Heidi: Why is there duct tape around your fridge door, Jason?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Mango Munchers. Cherry Berry bars.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: What’s in the fridge, Jason?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Nobody is.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: What do you mean, “Nobody?’

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: What did you do to your parents?

[Cut to Jason turns around towards his friends]

Jason: Tasty Toaster Tarts.

[Cut to everybody getting excited]

Everybody: Awesome! [Everybody start celebrating]

Announcer: Tasty Toaster Tarts are the treats kids crave.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Jason’s house is the best.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Got anything to drink?

[Heidi walks to the fridge to get a drink]

Jason: No!

[Cut to a clip of Tasty Toaster Tarts outro video]

Announcer: Tasty Toaster Tarts. Keeps kids happy.

Spooky Song

Heidi Gardner

Tyler… Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Chance the Rapper

Mikey Day

[Starts with a clip of full moon under the clouds] [Cheers and applause] [Cut to a couple walking in the graveyard]

Heidi: Baby, this is too creepy. Let’s just go back to the party.

Tyler: Come on, it’s Halloween. We’ve got to hook up in a grave yard.

Heidi: Do we though?

[A big lightning strikes and dead people walk out of their graves dancing]

Tyler? What’s happening?

Tyler: I don’t know.

[Music starts playing]

The deads: On Halloween, your breath is taken

For tonight, the dead awaken

Listen well our living friends

and hear how we all met our ends

[Cut to Tyler and Heidi]

Heidi: Oh, my god, Tyler, they’re going to sing about how they died.

Tyler: I know, I’m scared!

[Cut to a skeleton playing a piano] [Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I was a captain at my ship’s wheel

A heart of gold and nerves of Steel

I fell overboard one night so dark

and I swam just fine, but so did the shark

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy: I was a debutante, the bell of the ball

Men would chase me for spring to fall

I never met a flame that I couldn’t handle

Until my gown met a candle

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: We can skip me. Happy Halloween!

[Cut to Tyler and Heidi]

Heidi: Is that all he’s going to do?

[Cut to Mikey Day and Chance]

Mikey: Yeah, I was wondering the same. That was it?

Chance: Yes, skip me.

Mikey: Okay, I’ll go, then. Nobody has ever skipped before. I’m sorry,

[Cut to Mikey Day]

I was a miner, digging for gold

Then one day, I hit the mother lode

I grabbed a cigar, gave it a light

turned out my stogie was dynamite

[Chance walks in]

Chance: Wow. Everyone did great. I think we’re done here, right?

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Kenan:  No. Uh-huh. It’s a diddy of the damned. All four of us have a tale to tell about deaths before we can go back to our graves. That’s how it works. So come on.

[Cut to Mikey Day and Chance]

Chance: Well, here’s my thing, my death was a real “You had to be there” kind of situation. It needs a lot of context, so I don’t want to waste everybody’s time.

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Kenan: Sing now!

[Cut to Mikey Day and Chance]

Chance: Oh, my god. Fine. I’ll go. Ready?

One dark night with the moon so red

what killed me happened and now I’m dead

Happy Halloween!

[Cut to Tyler and Heidi]

Heidi: Wait, but like, how did you die?

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: How? A ghost never tells.

[Cut to Tyler and Heidi]

Heidi: They do, though. That’s what this whole song is about.

Tyler: Is he allowed to be vague like that?

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Kenan: He is not!

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: All right. It’s going to sound way worse that it actually is. You guys know what a 9-volt battery is, right? It’s important for the song.

At 12 years old, I sat on a 9-volt

It gave me heinie a quick little jolt

I liked how it felt, so I did it a lot

So I built up a tolerance to a lower watt

Then realized there’s no higher volt

than the one comes from a lightning bolt

So one stormy night I went on a roof

and put a metal pole in my ass

Yo, why y’all— I can’t do this right now. Y’all are looking at me like I’m some sort of freak or something.

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy: No one is judging you.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Yes, you are. Look at that owl.

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy: Forget about the owl and just finish the song.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Okay, god. All right, everybody remember where we left off?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Yes. You’re on the roof with a pole in your ass. I’ve done the same thing myself.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Really?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: No, man! It’s weird at hell! Just go!

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Whatever.

Like Benjamin Franklin with his key and kite

That lightning hit my pole that night

I squealed with delight but I quietly stopped

when my insides fried and my colon popped

and my ass burnt off and my thing caught on fire

and my face caught on fire and I wet in my pants

Happy Halloween!

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Kenan: What the hell is wrong with you, man?

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Nothing. I was a kid, man. Kids do weird stuff.

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy: You died in your 20s.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Whatever! Let’s just finish the song.

[All the deads come together to sing]

The deads: Listen to the dead and the voices of the past

And live every day like it’s your last

Happy Halloween.

Space Mistakes

Dad… Chance the Rapper

Mom… Ego Nwodim

Beck Bennett

Lervy… Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Announcer: From the producers who enjoyed Apollo 13, Ad Astro, Gravity and The Martian, comes another film about the dangers of space.

[Cut to a kid playing a toy with his father]

Kid: Daddy, why do you have to go to space again?

Chance: ‘Cos that’s where I work son.

Kid: Promise you won’t make a mistake up there.

Chance: I promise, because that would be the worst place to make one.

[The kid falls asleep. His mom is looking at them.]

Ego: You said last time was the last time.

Chance: Baby, what are you so worried about?

Ego: I’m worried you’ll make a mistake. You could crack your helmet, spin too fast, push the wrong thing and the top comes off, your tube could pop, the window could Ka’boom!

[Cut to inside the rocket, Chance and his astronaut colleagues]

Beck: Going to space today. You guys excited?

Lervy: I am. Just hope we don’t make any mistakes up there.

Chance: Well, you know what they say, “In space, no one can hear you make a mistake!”

[They laugh] [Cut to the rocket monitoring station]

Alex: Okay now, 10, 9, 8– remember, no oopsies! 7, 6– I mean it. Everything has to go perfect.

[Cut to inside the rocket ship]

Astronauts: We promise.

Alex: 5!

Chance: Dude, seat belt!

Lervy: Oh, my bad. Nice catch.

Alex: 4!

Lervy: Not working.

Alex: 3!

Beck: Seat belt first, then gloves.

Lervy: I forgot!

Alex: 2!

Chance : What did you do?

Alex: 1!

Lervy: I made a mistake!

[The rocket takes off. Alex falls off and dies.]

Announcer: Space mistakes.

Alex: What happened?

Chance : Lervy, he made a mistake. And because it happened in space, he exploded.

Alex: Dammit!

Beck: Sir, he burst!

Announcer: The film that asks the question, what if you messed up at work, but your work was space?

[Chance is working in his ship. He makes a hole on the shell.]

Chance: Oh no!

Beck: Oh, crap! Oh, no! I dropped the–

[Cut to the rocket monitoring station. Bowen Yang spills his coffee to the computer.]

Bowen Yang: No! A mistake!

Alex: What’s this button do?

Computer: A mistake! Mistake!

Alex: Yikes!

[Cut to Beck screwing the rocket ship from the outside]

Beck: Lefty, righty, tidy loosy– [The screw is loose and hits Beck’s helmet and cracks it] No! No! No!

[Cut to the rocket monitoring station, Alex is on the phone.]

Alex: Mam, it’s your husband. [Cut to Beck’s wife on the phone] He made a mistake.

Ego: Where?

Alex: In space.

Ego: No!

Announcer: Space Mistakes. See it in IMX or on our plane, nothing in between.

Love at First Sight

Heidi Gardner

Jennifer… Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

William… Chance the Rapper

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Waitress… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a clip of a very nice restaurant] [Cut to thee ladies inside the restaurant]

Heidi Gardner: Come on, Jennifer. Cheer up. I hate to see you depressed.

Jennifer: I’m sorry. I know it’s not very 2019 to be down about a guy, but I still miss him.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, of course you do! You were together a long time.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Let’s just get more drinks and I’ll write down my address for when I pass out.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Well, this night’s going to be bad.

Heidi Gardner: Actually, Jennifer, there’s a guy at the bar and he’s staring at you.

[Cut to Jennifer. There is a guy behind Jennifer at the bar who is looking at her.]

Jennifer: He’s looking at me? That has to be a mistake.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: No, girl, he’s coming over here!

[Cut to everybody. William is walking towards Jennifer]

William: Hello. My name is William. I’m nice, but I’m also shy.

Jennifer: I’ve heard that before. Right, ladies?

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Okay, give him a chance. Jennifer.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I could tell you looked sad. Would you like to dance?

[Jennifer stands and holds William’s hands]

Jennifer: Do they have dancing here?

William: I don’t care. [They start dancing] If they don’t like it, they can kill us.

[Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: Hey, buddy, we don’t really have room for dancing here.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Well, we are going to dance. And if you don’t like it, I suggest you kill us.

Jennifer: Wow, I never met anyone so confident.

William: And I’ve never met anyone so beautiful.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Oh, my gosh! Did you hear that? He knows just what to say.

Heidi Gardner: I know. I mean even if he’s a psych, it’s nice to hear you’re pretty.

Ego Nwodim: I know, even from a crazy person, it’s 100.

Heidi Gardner: But he’s dressed well.

Ego Nwodim: He is dressed well. So cute.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Hey, do you believe in love at first sight?

Jennifer: I think I’m starting to. This is crazy.

William: What’s crazy is how you feel in my arms.

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: I feel like I’m floating.

[Jennifer and William are literally floating in the middle of the restaurant] [Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Hey, are they flying right now?

Heidi Gardner: Oh, my god. I wouldn’t call it flying, but it’s definitely a low hover.

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: Is this what true love is supposed to feel like?

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I wouldn’t have it any other way. Do you want to see if we can move around?

Jennifer: Sure. Lead the way.

William: Here we go.

[Cut to everybody. Jennifer and William start floating around over other’s tables and breaking things]

Ego Nwodim: Okay. Guys, be careful.

Heidi Gardner: You guys don’t have a lot of clearance.

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, which makes me they’re not that much in love.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Don’t listen to them. They’re just jealous of me.

Jennifer: And me, too.

William: Sure. Hey, have you ever had champagne?

Jennifer: No, what is it?

William: You’ll see. Let’s fly to the bar. Here we go!

[Jennifer and William fly to the bar. William takes his champagne out of the ice and drops the ice bucket from the bar]

William: This will do nicely.

Jennifer: I’ll get the glasses. [Jennifer flies to the bar and breaks a lot of glasses trying to fetch two glasses for them] I feel like I’m flying in the stars.

[Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: Uh, you’re not. You’re like three feet tops.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I don’t care. We’re in love. And with love, there are no rules!

[William does a flip in the air]

Jennifer: Yeah! We’re in love!

Bartender: All right. Looking right up your skirt, honey!

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

Ego Nwodim: I am so happy for Jennifer. I just hope she doesn’t get hurt.

Heidi Gardner: Yeah, you mean physically, right?

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, with all the crashing and—

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

Jennifer: Guys, I don’t want this night to ever end.

[Waitress walks in]

Waitress: Who ordered a seafood platter?

[Jennifer and William try to get the food but mess up everything from the table.]

Waitress: Thank you. That was so easy to make.

Jennifer: This is the best night of my life. And we haven’t even kissed.

William: Let’s change that.

[Jennifer and William kiss. William starts floating down.]

Jennifer: Oh, wait. Wait, why are you sinking? Was my kiss weird?

William: Nah, it was good.

Jennifer: Well, then, come back up here where all the love is.

William: Please don’t pull my arm.

Jennifer: I want you up here with me.

William: Yeah, I’m just going to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back. Hey, this was fun.

[William leaves] [Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: So do you want to close up or what?

Jennifer: Yeah, sure, let me—I’ll get my purse.

[Jennifer goes to her friends to get her purse]

Ego Nwodim: Jennifer, don’t be sad.

Jennifer: You know, maybe I was meant to be alone.

Ego Nwodim: No, you’ll find someone else sooner or later.

Bartender: Hello. I think it’s going to be sooner.

[Cut to the bartender. He is floating.]

Jennifer: You!

Ego Nwodim: Jennifer, maybe not the bartender!

Jennifer: Just one way to find out. Kiss me!

[Bartender and Jennifer kiss]

Both: We’re in love! We’re in love! [Bartender and Jennifer float higher and outside the window] We’re in love!

Judge Barry

Police… Alex Moffat

Judge Barry… Chance the Rapper

Patricia Jones… Ego Nwodim

Judith Baker… Aidy Bryant

Ladenzel Jenkins… Chris Redd

Man with a puppet… Kyle Mooney

Male exotic dancer… Bowen Yang

Andrew Wilson… Mikey Day

Joanne McCormack… Melissa Villaseñor

Glady’s Feldman… Kate McKinnon

Apollo Benz… Jason Momoa

[Starts with “First Impressions Court” intro]

Announcer: He takes no nonsense. And he takes no more than 10 seconds to reach a verdict. He’s judge Barry and this is “First Impressions Court”.

[Cut to the court room]

Police: All rise. The honorable Judge Barry Presiding.

Judge Barry: All right. Thank you. Be seated.

Police: Your honor, this is case number 18 on the docket.

[Patricia Jones walks to the judge]

Announcer: 26-year-old Patricia Jones is suing her former friend for $2,700 after she alleges he stole her car while she was asleep and still hasn’t returned it.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby walking in. He’s wearing a nice suit.]

The defendant, 53-year-old Trevor Brisby says that he—

[Gavel knocks]

Judge Barry: Guilty! [Cut to Judge Barry] He did it! Next case.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby]

Trevor Brisby: Hold on, now. With all due respect, your majesty, but you haven’t even heard my side of the story yet, man.

[Cut to Judge Bary]

Judge Barry: Sir, I’ve been a Chicago judge for 31 years. I don’t have to hear your side. I’m looking at you in that ridiculous high lighter suit and I know for a fact that you’re guilty of something.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Thank you, your honor.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby]

Trevor Brisby: Well, now, wait a minute. Please, your majesty. Come on! Just let me explain.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: You’ve got ten seconds.

[Cut to Trevor Bristy]

Trevor Brisby: Well, I thank you for that. Now, first of all, the only reason I’m up in here is because this woman is trying to have sexual penetrations on me.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Excuse me?

[Cut to Trevor Bristy]

Trevor Brisby: You know I got that magic stick, baby.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Okay, you’re disgusting.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Get him out of here. Judgment is for the plaintiff. Next case.

[Cut to Judith Baker walking in]

Announcer: Plaintiff Judith Baker says she is owed $325 after the defendant, her ex-boyfriend, [Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins walking in] 29-year-old Ladenzel Jenkins.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Hold on. Your name is Ladenzel? Oh, you definitely guilty.

[Cut to Judith Baker]

Judith Baker: Thank you, your honor.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: But you ain’t even hear my story!

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Whatever it is, you did it, man. Look at how you came to court.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: Look, your highness, me and this woman ain’t never even dated.

[Cut to Judith Baker]

Judith Baker: Yes, we did. We have a son together.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: That is a lie. You can’t get pregnant on the first time. Everybody knows that.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty. Just pay the lady. Let’s keep this thing moving. Next case.

[Cut to a man walking in with a puppet]

Announcer: The plaintiff – [Gavel sound] [Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: He’s guilty. He’s guilty.

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: But I’m the plaintiff.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Plaintiff, defendant, I don’t care. I just know that you’re guilty.

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: But I have a special surprise witness.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Let me guess, it’s a puppet?

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: All right, I’m going to go.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Yeah, wise choice. Next case!

[Cut to a male exotic dancer walking in]

Announcer: A male exotic dancer— [Gavel sound] [Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Next case! Guilty. All right. Can we do one with normal people?

[Cut to Andrew Wilson walking in]

Announcer: Andrew Wilson is suing his former tenant and coworker, [Cut to Joanne McCormack walking in] Joanne McCormack for a broken lease, stolen furniture and appliances amounting to $5,000.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Okay. Okay. This is a tough one.

[Cut to Andrew Wilson]

Andrew Wilson: Your honor, his lady may look innocent, but she is a con-artist, a liar, and a thief.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Interesting. Ma’am?

[Cut to Joanne McCormack]

Joanne McCormack: Okay, first of all, that’s a dang lie. He just mad because want to do — with me!

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty. He wins. Almost had me. All right let’s do one more. I got night church in an hour.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman walking in]

Announcer: Glady’s Feldman is suing her former live-in nurse, [Cut to Apollo Benz walking in] Apollo Benz for stolen cash.

Apollo Benz: Now, listen, your hombre. I see the way you’re looking at me right now, and I know what you’re thinking.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: That you bang old ladies and then steal their money?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: That may be so, but I’m not just some dumb gigolo. I’m also a certified paraplegic—legal. So I understand the law.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman]

Glady’s Feldman: Your honor, this man is a thief.

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: Excuse me! She stole from me first.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Oh, really, what did she steal?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: My heart.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman]

Glady’s Feldman: 

You know what, you gave me the biggest and best Os of my life. But I still want my money and my chandelier earrings. They’ve been in my family for generations.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Sir, do you have this woman’s earrings too?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: Wait, these? [Apollo Benz opens his shirt. He is wearing her earrings on his nipples.] [Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty! I need a big boy break. Let’s take a recess. [Gavel sound] [Ending with First Impression Court outro]

Announcer:  It’s “First Impressions Court” with judge Barry.

E-Sports Reporter

Doug Miller… Mikey day

Mark Laramie… Kyle Mooney

Laszlo Holmes… Chance the Rapper

The Captain… Bowen Yang

Fan… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with League of Legends World Champions intro]

Announcer: League of Legends World Champions only on MSG.

[Cut to the reporter’s set]

Doug Miller: Welcome back to MSG’s e-sports coverage of the League of Legends World Championship. Doug Miller alongside Mark Laramie. And what a tournament it has been.

Mark Laramie: Incredible. Take a look at this.

[Cut to a video clip of League of Legends game]

Moments ago, Shadow Gaming eliminated top-ranked team Echo claiming their Nexus in only 32 minutes.

[Cut to the reporter’s set]

Doug Miller: Whoo! Did not see that coming. Wow! Our Regular e-sports reporter Jake Sussman is out today, taking the PSATs. Good luck, Jake. Yeah. Filling in for him is Laszlo Holmes, [Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and the news set at the right] who usually covers the Knicks for us here at MSG. How you feeling down there, Laz?

Laszlo Holmes: Confused. To be honest, when they asked me to cover a League of Legends tournament, I assumed it was a basketball game with NBA legends. This is not that. It is a computer game contest.

Mark Laramie: Yeah, a little different.

[Cut to Laszlo Holmes]

Laszlo Holmes: Yes. I brought a basketball to get signed and someone in the crowd asked me what this was. So, very different that the Knick’s games, but we’re having fun down here. I’m not. But the crowd is. Laszlo Holmes, live at the League of Legos.

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and Mark Laramie at the right]

Mark Laramie: Laz, walk us through the last match.

Laszlo Holmes: No thanks. I’m just playing. In a nutshell, [Cut to Laszlo Holmes] there were ten nerdy dudes sitting at computers with headsets on while 20,000 people screamed like they were watching The Beatles. I did not know this was a thing. I guess e-sports is what white and Asian kids were doing while black kids were inventing hip-hop. Nah, I’m just kidding, though. But you know how they do in e-sports. Ready, set, sit down!

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and the news set at the right]

Doug Miller: Now, we’ve got lots to unpack here.

Laszlo Holmes: Well, don’t let me stop you. This is Laszlo Holmes, signing off.

Laszlo Holmes: Now, hold on, Laz. I’m sure you have thoughts on team Echo’s attack strategy.

Laszlo Holmes: I do not.

[Cut to the reporter’s set]

Doug Miller: Well, here’s the moment everyone is talking about. Laz, what do you make of this?

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and video clip of League of Legends game at the right]

Laszlo Holmes: Well, to me, this game looks like how a seizure feels. But I think if you know what’s happening in this clip, you need to get out of the house more. No, I’m just kidding. That’s me keeping it light. But in terms of what’s happening in this clip, I don’t know.

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and Mark Laramie at the right]

Mark Laramie: You can say that again! Echo trying to defend their Nexus with two heros on respawn! And all their CC on cooldown.

Laszlo Holmes: That’s what’s up.

[Cut to the reporter’s set]

Doug Miller: Well, they’re taking the loss in stride. Laz, you’re going to like this. Echo’s captain Doublepump just tweeted, “Congrats Shadow Gaming. Can I borrow some XP.”

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and the news set at the right]

Laszlo Holmes: Ha-ha! That means nothing to me.

[Cut to the reporter’s set]

Mark Laramie: Laz, we’re hearing that the captain of Shadow gaming is on the floor. Maybe you can get a question in.

[Cut to Laszlo Holmes and the captain]

Laszlo Holmes: Uh, let’s do that. I’m here with – turn around for me. [The jersey says “S3X PANDA99”] Yeah, I’m not going to say that. So, homey, everybody wants to know, how you going to win that League of Legos today?

The Captain: We got some early kills, top lane evolving and the back lane. We got lucky on turrets in 5V5 seize for the beacon.

Laszlo Holmes: That’s what’s up.

[A girl comes in and hugs the captain]

Fan: Oh, I am sorry to bother you, but I love you so much! Like, you don’t understand, I’m like shaking right now!

Laszlo Holmes: From meeting him?

The Captain: Do you want to go backstage?

Fan: Oh, my god, yes! Can my friends come? They love you too!

Laszlo Holmes: What?

The Captain: Okay. Thank you.

[The Captain leaves and a group of females followed him back stage] [Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and the news set at the right]

Doug Miller: Laz? Did we lose you?

Laszlo Holmes: No! Sorry, what I just saw was so unexpected that my brain went into a Tom Hanks in “Saving Private Ryan” mode. Laszlo Holmes coming at you live from the upside down.

Mark Laramie: Thank you, Laz! When we return, the quarter finals begin.

Doug Miller: And we’ll be one step closer to seeing which team will take home the $7 million grand prize.

Laszlo Holmes: $7 million?

Doug Miller: Stay with us.

[Ends with League of Legends World Champions outro]

Dance Rehearsal

Tony… Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

Brad… Chance the Rapper

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a video clip of Dance Studio In Los Angeles building] [Cut to the dance hall]

Tony Solis: All right, good evening, dancers! Thank you very much for giving up your Halloween to rehearse. [Cut to Tony Solis] As I understand it, you guys were picked up by earth, wind, and fire themselves for their big Halloween boogie spectacular. You are the best, or at least earth ,wind and fire think so. Do you all know the ography?

[Cut to the dancers]

Dancers: Yes!

[Cut to Tony Solis]

Tony Solis: Well, then show it! Boogie-wonderland. Make it sizzle and stank. Go!

[Music starts playing] [Cut to everybody start dancingand Tony Solis starts singing]

Come on, give it, give!

Where’s the tank? Where’s the tank?

And the wonder? Where is the wonder?

[Cut to Tony Solis] [The full moon shows through the window]

No! The moon! I must close the drapes! The moon! The drapes! The moon and the drapes! I must close them. The drapes! Ahh! Please, release the drapes!

[Cut to the dancers]

Chloe Fineman: That was weird.

Heidi Gardner: Weird good or weird bad?

Chris Redd: I think bad.

Brad: Yeah. It kind of backs up the secret I heard.

Bown Yang: Can you tell us, Brad?

Brad: Here’s what I can say. A, it’s dark. And B, it’s about Tony Solis.

[Cut to Tony Solis walks in the door again. He has grown a lot of facial hair.]

Tony Solis: Sorry, sorry, dancers. I had to take an important phone call from Fred Fake McMadeitup.

[Cut to everybody]

Brad: Tony, are you okay?

[Cut to Tony Solis]

Tony Solis: I’m better than okay. I’m Tony Solis. Let’s take it from the top and fill the Brim with flavor and funk. Go!

[Music starts playing] [Cut to everyone start dancing and Tony Solis starts singing]

Come on, pop the funk!

Pop the funk, ride the wind.

Feel the ‘70s. Yes!

[Cut to Tony Solis] [The full moon shows through the window]

Oh, the moon! The Venetian blinds! I must draw them shut! Oh, the moon! The Venetian. I must fight back the beast! Oh, no! Can’t let the dancers know what creature lives within me. Fight the curse Tony.

[Tony Solis leaves runs out] [Cut to the dancers]

Brad: Hey, guys, I’m curious, did any of you get a fax last night?

Heidi Gardner: Oh, you’re rich.

Chris Redd: Yeah! Brag about your fax machine more!

[Cut to Brad]

Brad: Well, I did. And it said, “Attention, dancers. Is there a full moon?” Followed by, “Forget what I just faxed. I’ll be fine.”

[Cut to everybody. Tony Solis comes back in with more facial hair.]

Tony Solis: I am sorry. I had another business call from Donny Dane McDidn’thappen.

Chris Redd: Guys, I’m beginning to think these calls aren’t real. Tony, what’s up?

[Cut to Tony Solis]

Tony Solis: Whatever do you mean? I’m totally fine—[The full moon shows through the window] Oh, the moon! The roman shades! Where is the cord? Where is the little pulley cord? Dammit, why do all of these windows have to be different dressings. Who styled the dance studio? Oh, I did! Oh, damn me. This is my studio! This is Tony Solis’ dance studio slash werewolf’s house!

[Tony Solis runs out]

Heidi Gardner: Guys, Tony Solis is a werewolf.

Brad: Wait a minute, did you hear that from me?

Chris Redd: No, the dude looks like a wolf!

Chloe Fineman: And his face is covered in fur.

Bown Yang: And he has some kind of beef with the moon.

Brad: As long as we all know that I didn’t blab.

[Cut to everybody. Tony Solis comes back in with more facial hair, fangs and wolf arms]

Tony Solis: All right. Enough with the chitchat! [Cut to Tony Solis]

Y’all are here to dance! So, let’s do it!

[Music starts playing] [Cut to everyone start dancing and Tony Solis starts singing]

Come on.

[Tony Solis walks to Chloe Fineman]

Tony Solis: And who hired you?

[Tony Solis pushes Chloe Fineman away through the wall]

Chloe Fineman: Ah!

Heidi Gardner: I’m getting out of here!

Bown Yang: He just killed Trish!

Brad: Suit yourself. I’m staying. I’m not blowing this gig.

Chris Redd: That was your wife, man!

Cut for Time ’80s Drug PSA

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Tommy… Kyle Mooney

Grieg… Chance the Rapper

Darnell… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a disclaimer]

Announcer: The following has been paid for the Queen City Department of Education.

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy in the alley]

Chris Redd: That was a fun basketball game.

Mikey Day: Yeah! So awesome. So, what do we do now?

Tommy: Hey, you guys wanna get high?

Chris Redd: You mean, smoke marijuana?

Tommy: Nope, even better. It’s called crack cocaine.

Mikey Day: Awesome!

Chris Redd: I’ll try some.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Grieg: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You’re wrong little dudes. I know you kids ain’t thinking about doing cocaine.

Darnell: Yeah, man! That stuff is wiggady-whack!

[Cut to everybody]

Tommy: Whoa! Who are you guys?

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Both: The sober brothers!

Darnell: In full effect!

Grieg: And when we were your age we used to do cocaine.

Darnell: Word up!

Grieg: You kids don’t want to get mixed up with that junk.

Darnell: Yeah, man! ‘Cos it’s crazy dangerous and it’s expensive.

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: Yeah, but this is crack cocaine. It’s new and really cheap.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Grieg: But it’s still bad for you kids.

Darnell: How cheap?

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: I don’t know. Pretty cheap, like, um, five bucks a rock.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Darnell: Wow, man! That’s pretty damn cheap. It’s probably weak though, right?

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: It’s actually way stronger than regular cocaine.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Darnell: Oh, snap! That’s impossible, right Grieg?

Grieg: Ay, it doesn’t matter. You kids still shouldn’t mess with that crap.

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Chris Redd: But everybody’s doing it.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Darnell: And where they at?

Grieg: Ay, but check this out. You don’t want to be a follower.

Darnell: What? In a park way over there with that long line?

Grieg: If everybody jumped off a bridge, would you?

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Chris Redd: I guess not.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Grieg: And that’s why you shouldn’t do crack.

Darnell: Look at that. The cops are just letting it happen too.

Grieg: Ay, come on, man!

Darnell: Oh, right! Sorry. Besides, kids, cocaine will ruin your nose just like it did mine.

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: But it doesn’t go in your nose. You smoke it with a pipe.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Darnell: And what does it taste like?

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: Actually it tastes pretty gross.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Grieg: Exactly! It’s gross because it’s bad for you.

Darnell: How gross is it though? I mean, like, does it taste like bugs? Because, I’ve eaten bugs.

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: Whatever old man. I’m gonna smoke crack. Who’s with me?

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Darnell: Me!

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Mikey Day: I don’t know, Tommy. Maybe these guys are right.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Darnell: But, maybe we wrong.

Grieg: Darnell! What are you doing man?

Darnell: Man, are you hearing this? This is everything we dreamed of, man! We can get higher, faster for cheaper. And you just want to walk away?

Grieg: But we don’t do that anymore.

Darnell: Because it costs too much. And now, it doesn’t.

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: Fine, I’m going to go throw this crack in the trash.

Mikey Day: Yeah!

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Grieg: That’s good thinking little man.

Darnell: Yeah, which can?

[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]

Tommy: Thank you sober brothers.

Chris Redd: You saved our lives.

[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]

Grieg: No need to thank us.

Darnell: Yeah, man! Just tell us which can you’re going to throw the crack in.

Grieg: And always remember, [Cut to everybody] when it comes to doing drugs–

Everybody: Just say, “No!”

Darnell: Let me toss it away for you.