Eric… Alex Moffat
Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: The flurry of staff resignations have led many to say that the Trump White House is in chaos. Here to comment are his first sons, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in] [cheers and applause]
Donald Trump Jr.: Thanks for having us, Colin. Eric, what do you say?
Eric: Please, make yourself at home.
Donald Trump Jr.: Close, bud, but that’s what you say when someone visits you. Okay.
Colin Jost: So, what are you guys been up to since we saw you last?
Donald Trump Jr.: What we do best. [Eric is copying Donald Trump Jr.’s gestures] Taking the Trump Organization to new heights. I took a trip to India which is an incredibly poor country where I’m hoping to make a lot of money.
Eric: I saw Paddington too.
Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. You sure did, bud.
Colin Jost: That’s really great. Now, what do you have to say to the claim that the White House is now in chaos?
Donald Trump Jr.: I know it’s played out, Colin. But fake news. I mean, you know our father has a little nickname for you members of the elitist liberal media.
Eric: God damn, Jews!
Donald Trump Jr.: No! No! Eric! Eric, that was awful. Bud, no. That was a bad one, bud. [Colin Jost laughing] You know, these stories you’ve heard are complete fabrications. Our father has everything completely under control. In fact, Colin, we spoke to our father right before we came out here and he said–
Eric: [interrupting] Stop bringing Eric on TV with you.
Donald Trump Jr.: Well, he did say that. But he also said, “Just be honest.” That’s what’s so ridiculous about the claims of this adult film star. [Eric does the holding breasts hand gesture.] She and my father never had relationship.
Eric: They just wrestled in bed.
Donald Trump Jr.: Okay. [Donald Trump Jr. pulls out a book] You wanna read your book, buddy?
Donald Trump Jr.: New one. [Eric is looking at the book] And as far as this chaos, Colin, staff turnover is good. [Eric is just reading the book’s cover] Eric, don’t just read the cover, buddy. It’s a book. Look, it’s a pop-up book.[Donald Trump Jr. opens the book. Flowers pop out of the book. Eric gets scared.]
No. Don’t be scared, bud. It’s supposed to do that. Buddy, it’s a pop-up book.
Donald Trump Jr.: No. Pop-up. Pop-up.
Donald Trump Jr.: We’ll put it on a flashcard, bud. It’s okay. Just read. [Eric is still scared] It’s okay. It’s not gonna hurt you, buddy. [to Colin Jost] As I was saying, Colin, turnover is a good thing.[Eric turns the page looking scared. But as the page turns and a house pops up, he is very excited.]
I see. it’s fun to read, right? What’s that word?
Donald Trump Jr.: She. [to Colin Jost] Things are running smoothly. There is no chaos. And my father is in complete control. Now, we have to run. We have a big day tomorrow.
Eric: We’re going Good Will Hunting.
Donald Trump Jr.: Told you, bud. It’s Big Game Hunting. Big Game Hunting.
Eric: Matt Damon’s still gonna be there?
Donald Trump Jr.: Matt Damon was never gonna be there.
Colin Jost: Eric and Donald Trump Jr., everyone.