What Up With That- At Home

Charles Barkley

DJ Khalid

DeAndre Cole… Kenan Thompson

Backup singers… Ego Nwodim, Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with “What’s Up With That?” intro] [music playing]

Backup singers: [singing] Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

Male voice: It’s “What’s Up With That?” at home. Taking on the issues of today with soul tonight, hall of famer, Charles Barkley, the great DJ Khalid, and Lindsey Buckingham. Here’s your host, DeAndre Cole.

DeAndre Cole: Woke up this morning then I got out of bed
had a bigger cup of coffee to clear my head

been home for a while and that’s where I’m at
but we can still jam on “What’s up with that?”

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: What’s up with that? yuu, oh, yeah

Wow! Yeah! Thank you all for joining us on “What’s Up With That?” where we’re going to learn how to stay safe at home. Now, our guests are very busy. So, I brought along this timer [a timer pops on the screen] to make sure that we don’t keep him too long. Ha-ha-ha. We’re going to talk about social distance.

[drum hi-hat starts playing. DeAndre Cole starts looking around.]

Gonna talk persistence
[Bass starts playing] [singing] COVID resistance
It’s gonna be fantastic, boombastic
galactic, elastic
emphatic, spastic
fancy fantastic

[Charles Berkley and DJ Khalid are clueless]

Everybody sing

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: What’s up… I say what’s up… somebody tell me what is up with that? yeah

Whoo! Alright. We are so lucky to have Mr. Charles Barkley who is in new documentary on Michael Jordan.

Charles Barkley: I’m not gonna lie. This is weird.

DeAndre Cole: It is. Now, Charles, everybody is talking about this new Michael Jordan documentary and you played against Michael in the 1993 finals and you were on the dream team. What was that like?

Charles Barkley: It was special. And a documentary is excellent.

DeAndre Cole: Um-hmm.

Charles Barkley: But it doesn’t show everything. Let me tell you about something that’s not in there.

[drum hi-hat starts playing. DeAndre Cole starts looking around.] [Charles and DeAndre Cole are looking around]

DeAndre Cole: Go ahead.

[Bass starts playing]

Charles Barkley: Okay. Like I was saying, I played with Michael and all his guys. There are incredible stories people still don’t know.

DeAndre Cole: [singing] Incredible stories

Charles Barkley: Right. And you might actually hear them if you would let me talk please.

DeAndre Cole: [singing] Letting you talk now

Charles Barkley: No, you’re not. Which is a shame. I’m trying to tell you about the one time me and Michael Jordan–

DeAndre Cole: [singing] Jordan was the greatest
and I got to say

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

[Charles Barkley and DJ Khalid are annoyed]
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: Ladies and gentlemen, joining us remotely, the sexy siren of social distancing, Quarantina.

[Quarantina is singing in home drinking wine]

Quarantina: [singing] Merlot for one
tonight I toast only these

merlot for one
it’s a soul of merlot to believe

so go to your parties
and have all your fun
go to your spring breaks
and dance in the sun

I’ll be right here
and that only begun
with my merlot for one

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

[Charles Barkley and DJ Khalid are annoyed]

Ladies and gentlemen, here they are, a special appearance by Howie Hot Wheels and the lego Kid.

[Howie and lego kid are dancing]

Go Howie, go Howie, go lego, go lego

[DJ Khalid starts dancing] get speedy, get speedy, get crazy, it’s your birthday

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: What’s up… I say what’s up… somebody tell me what is up with that
now will somebody please come to my house and teach my damn kids?

Yes!

Whoo! Alright. Well, folks my kids got to use the laptop that we rented from the local library for the online schooling. Ha-ha. But I want to thank Charles Barkley for being here.

Charles Barkley: That’s it? Whatever!

DeAndre Cole: And thank you to the one and only DJ Khalid.

DJ Khalid: Well, I guess that was another one.

DeAndre Cole: And Lindsey Buckingham. Oh, man, I know we haven’t let you talk on any episode for the past 10 years. Lindsey? Lindsey? [Lindsey Buckingham’s connection is lost.] Oh! Well, that’s too bad. Well, thank you for trying anyway, Lindsey. How about I wave to you from my car on your birthday? Yeah. Just look out for 25 Buick Lesabre. Alright, until next time.

[drums roll] [singing] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

The Champions

Todd Hamel… Mikey Day

Charles Barkley

Alex Rodriguez

DC Timmons… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with The Champions intro] [Cut to Todd Hamel in his set]

Todd Hamel: Welcome to The Champions. Conversations with some of the best athletes ever to play the game. I’m your host, Todd Hamel. Today, we’re talking to huge names from three different sports. He was named one of the 50 greatest players in NBA history, sir Charles Barkley.

Charles Barkley: How are you doing?

[cheers and applause]

Todd Hamel: He is a 14 time all star who won the world series with the Yankeez in 2009, Alex Rodriguez.

Alex Rodriguez: Thank you for having me.

Todd Hamel: And dubbed the hardest hitting man in the NFL, legendary Pittsburgh Stealers linebacker, DC Timmons.

DC Timmons: Alright, now. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, alright! Nice to be here with these gentlemen. I admire you both playing your little games.

Charles Barkley: Little games? Come on, man!

DC Timmons: Ay! No disrespect, now. I mean, I know you have fun bouncing the baskyball, or skipping around the bases in your little tights. But football is war. Helmet to helmet. You break a finger? Suck it up, punk! You get knocked down seven times in one game, next time you better make it eight, sucker! But hey, you know what they say. If you wanna run with the big dogs, stay out of the kitchen. Coz your kitchen is full of dogs, Greg. [Putting his hand on Alex Rodriguez’s shoulder]

Alex Rodriguez: What? Who’s Greg?

DC Timmons: Exactly!

Charles Barkley: You alright, man?

DC Timmons: Ay, you alright too. [DC Timmons does fist bump with Charles Barkley] Alright. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Todd Hamel is speechless]

Todd Hamel: Um, well, DC brings up an interesting topic. Which league do you think is the toughest to plan?

Alex Rodriguez: Well, baseball has a grueling schedule with spring training and post season. You play up to 200 gams in 230 days.

Charles Barkley: Yeah. You spend half of time on the bench. The NBA is much tougher. We play 82 games. And you’re running 30 minutes a game or more.

Alex Rodriguez: Wait a minute, Charles. I watch. You weren’t always running.

Charles Barkley: Pfft!

DC Timmons: You wanna talk about running? Man, the football field is a 100 yards long. That’s 100 feet. And every foot matters, every down matters, and every kiss begins with Q.

Alex Rodriguez: I think that’s a K.

DC Timmons: Oh, sure it’s okay, Greg. [Putting his hand on Alex Rodriguez’s shoulder] You gotta get woke. It’s 2007!

Alex Rodriguez: Wow! Look, baseball players historically get injured often.

Todd Hamel: Yeah. But baseball player thinks a broken fingernail is an injury. Am I right?

DC Timmons: Ha-ha-ha! Sure you’re right, Greg! [pointing at Charles Barkley] I mean, look at the pretty boy over here. [pointing at Alex Rodriguez] A the Rod Johnson. Huh! His face still looking good. That don’t happen coming out of NFL. You see half of these teeth? [showing his teeth] Half of these teeth is fake. This eye? This eye made a sugar. Yeah. And this arm? Man! This arm was made by the wizards at industrial light and magic. [making magical noises] But it was all worth it [showing his three fingers without rings] for these four championship rings, baby! Count them up. Uno. Dos. Migos. Bekos. And that makes four.

Charles Barkley: You know what? I’ma change my mind. Football is definitely the toughest sport.

Alex Rodriguez: You know what? I change my mind too. It’s football. I mean, look at this poor dude.

[DC Timmons is looking here and there, acting all weird.]

Charles Barkley: Yeah. He’s calling everybody Greg. I’m glad NFL address these concussion rules.

DC Timmons: Come on, Greg! These new rules are ridiculous, man. Let me tell you something. Football is about– [DC Timmons stops moving]

Todd Hamel: DC?

DC Timmons: Yeah. I’ll have number three with fries and a diet coke.

Todd Hamel: [nods his head] Alright, let’s keep going. Despite the rigors of the game, each of you had a long career. Alex, you played for 22 years. And Charles, you played for 16 seasons.

Charles Barkley: I did. But the last four were in Houston. That should just count as one.

Todd Hamel: And DC, you played for [looking at the notes] nine games.

DC Timmons: Yes, sir. Nine games. Spread out over the coarse of seven seasons through the injuries and the death in the family.

Todd Hamel: Oh. I’m so sorry.

DC Timmons: Oh, no. It’s fine. I was only dead for a few minutes.

Todd Hamel: I see. Well, for every athlete, someday the game has to end. What advice do you have for former pros starting their post playing careers?

Alex Rodriguez: Well, I would say think about your next move before you leave the game. Luckily, many athletes can make money doing endorsements.

DC Timmons: Oh, I’ve been down that road just like you, pretty boy. Yeah. I’ve been up down the billboard in my underwear. Um-hmm.

Alex Rodriguez: Yeah. It’s pretty embarrassing, right?

DC Timmons: Yeah. Specially when the police got to come and get you down!

Charles Barkley: I’m worried about what football did to this man’s head.

Alex Rodriguez: Yeah. I know it’s tough for older players.

DC Timmons: Yeah. It sure is. Luckily for me, I’m only 27.

Charles Barkley: Damn!

Todd Hamel: With that, let’s take a break. When we come back, our pannel will take us through their career highlights. Stay right there.

[DC Timmons walks very close to camera]

DC Timmons: Yeah. Like I said, the number three with fries.

Todd Hamel: DC! DC!

Roach Product

Heidi Gardner

Ned… Charles Barkley

[Starts with Heidi cleaning her kitchen. She sees a cockroach walking there.]

Male voice: Let’s face it. You have a big roach problem. You’ve tried everything and sprayed harmful chemicals. But nothing seems work.

[Heidi throws away all the products that she had used before]

Until now.

[Cut to Ned. He is standing in front of waving American flag]

Ned: Hi, my name is Ned. I’ll get rid of your nasty roach problem fast and easy with my all new Ned’s Roach Away. And Ned’s, we know that only thing that can stop a bad roach is a good roach with a gun. [Cut to video of Cockroaches shooting guns at poster targets] That’s why I spent years personally training army of our own good roaches to take care and operate tiny AR-15 rifles to protect your home. For just $59.95, [Ned opens a box on Heidi’s table. An army of roaches with guns run out of the box] my roaches will patrol your cabinets, your stores and wherever those roaches like to hide.

[Cut to Heidi cleaning her bowl. A bullet flies pass her.]

Ned: The bang means it’s working. So forget about those sprays. Roaches just drink that stuff up like tequila. You might just as well put it in a pinata and throw those roaches a party. But when Ned’s roach awake, the party’s over.

[The army roaches shoot all the partying roaches]

Now, some people might say, “But Ned, won’t gun carrying roaches just add to my problem?” That’s so dumb, it makes me mad. My vet assistants make sure only the best high character god fearing roaches can carry guns. [Cut to roaches walking inside a dummy church]

It’s time to go to church.

And none of my roaches are gay.

[Cut to Heidi cleaning her plates. A bullet breaks her plate.]

And for really bad problem, you need Red’s Roach Away Max! With bump stock.

[There is shooting sound in the kitchen. They make holes on the cupboard doors.]

Coz my roaches are trained to teach their babies how to shoot.  Creating a cycle. For there’ll be gun carrying roaches in your home for good. So get Ned’s Roach Away assistant today. You don’t need pest control. You need pest solutions.

[a gun fires through Ned’s hat.]

Lady, your house is nasty!

Heidi: Sorry.

Last Call with Charles Barkley

Anthony… Kenan Thompson

Charles Barkley

Sheila Sovage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bartender announcing the last call to the customers at the bar.]

Anthony: Aright desperados, last call. You know, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.

[There are only two customers because it’s late. One man and a woman]

Charles: Hang on here, bartender. I’ll have one more speedy gonzalez. That’s a hot margarita with dulcolax in it.

Sheila: And I’ll take a plantar’s punch. Heck, I’ve already got the warts. Hah! Ha-ha.

Anthony: [giving the drinks to Charles and Sheila] Well, drink fast, please.

Charles: Well, well, well, [looking at Sheila] The Oscars are tomorrow. I’m looking at the nominee for the worst possible sport.

Sheila: Maybe you play your cards right and you’ll get to walk my red carpet. Unless you’d rather be my seat filler.

[Anthony is eating spaghetti. He gets disgusted of their conversation and he spits out.]

Hey, mind if I slam my clam a little closer? There’s a nail in this stool and it has pierced my rubber underwear.

Charles: Sure, but let me get this last gulp of clean air before you get here. [Charles breathes in] I’m ready.

[Sheila moves close to Charles]

Sheila: So, where have you been all night? That part of the night where I was lucid?

Charles: I went to bathroom on my hands and knees.

Sheila: Oh, well. Were you sick or were you doing folks?

Charles: I wish. I temporarily lost my crown. It fell in the toilet to an hour. But I got it best.

Sheila: Oh, great! That’s great. That’s great. It’s worth it. My name’s Sheila Sovage. Have you ever seen that show “Naked and Afraid?”

Charles: Why? Were you on that show?

Sheila: No. No. But if you play your cards right, I’ll make you both.

Anthony: [talking on the phone] Yea, hello, ISIS. Yeah, I changed my mind. I will join.

Charles: I gotta be honest. When I first saw you tonight, I thought, “Hello no.” But now I’m not thinking coz I’m drunk.

Sheila: Oh, yeah? And of all the men in here, you’re the only man in here. Let’s go back to my place and do missionary, huh? That’s where you try to teach me English until you get frustrated and leave the country.

Charles: I’d rather do the reverse cowgirl. That’s where I put your cowboy hat over your face and walk you out back till you fall out of window.

Sheila: Oh! You’re bad man. You bad. Maybe we should go for a test drive here in the showroom. Yeah?

[Sheila leans towards Charles]

Anthony: [praying] Dear god. Make me a bird so I can fly far. Far, far away from here. Dear god. Make me a bird.

Charles: Hello, do you have certs?

Sheila: Oh! No. But I do have the next best thing. Um, a lady speed stick.  Yeah. Good idea. [She takes it out and licks on it. Then she rubs it on Charles’s mouth too.] There you go. There. Fresh as a daisy. Let’s do this.

[Sheila kisses Charles, rubs the speed stick on him again, and then agin kiss him.] [Anthony ziplocks himself inside a suit bag.]

Sheila: Wow! [coughs] Wow! Are you as soft as I am dry?

Charles: I’m engorged.

Sheila: Look. I think our lips are getting in the way of the main attraction. The tongue.

Charles: I got an idea.

Sheila: Oh yeah?

Charles: Let’s try this thing I stole from the dentist.

[Charles pulls out two dental retractors and they both put them in their mouths.]

Sheila: Ready.

Charles: Yeah.

[Charles and Sheila kiss wearing the dental retractors. Anthony is covering his eyes.]

Anthony: Anthony! Don’t look. It’s gonna be too terrible. But yet, I must. What’s the worst thing that could happen? [Anthony peeks] Noo!

[Anthony is turned into a stone]

Hump or Dump

Freddie Hobbes… Kenan Thompson

Amanda Derkle… Aidy Bryant

Trent Perket… Alex Moffat

Chad Robbins… Chris Redd

Doug… Charles Barkley

[Starts with VHone video bumper] [Cut to Hump or Dump set]

Male voice: What’s up and welcome to VHone Hump or Dump. Put your hands together for your host Freddie Hobbes.

Freddie: What’s up, y’all? What’s up? I’m Freddie Hobbes and you’re watching the only show where one guy gets humped and two losers get dumped. Now, let’s meet our lucky bachelorette, our miss thing of the moment, Amanda Derkle.

Amanda: [giggling] Oh! So happy to be here, Freddie. I just ended a six year relationship. So, I’m not gonna get slammed by some trash.

Freddie: Alright. Well, Amanda. You’re here for all the right reasons. Let’s meet our potential baes.

Trent: What’s up, Amanda? My name’s Trent Perket and I like to work it. I wanna send a quick shoutout to my homies of the hookah hideout.

Amanda: Ooh! Me likey.

Chad: Amanda. I’m Chad Robbins. Ha-ha-ha. And when I’m not teaching Zumba, I’m mastering the ancient art of Captain Wera. Hai-ya!

Amanda: Ooh! Hachi-machi!

Doug: Hey, Amanda. I’m Doug. Let’s just say it’s in everybody’s best interest you pick me.

Freddie: Yikes! You konw, Doug, you catch more flies with honey then you do with vinegar.

Doug: Who the hell want flies? I want a woman.

Freddie: Okay. Let’s get into it. Amanda, the floor is your’s.

Amanda: Okay, Trent, as the manager of the PF Changs, I’m used to being the head bitch. So, what do you bring to the table?

Trent: Well, Amanda, when you roll wit the T dog, you’re VIP. Helicopters, Hamptons, and half off all on trays in Devin Buster’s.

Amanda: Ooh-la-la. That’s tempting.

Chad: Nah, girl. You pick me because I’m Twitter verified and I’ll always send you home in an Uber pool.

Amanda: Ooh! Color me intrigued. And Doug?

Doug: Let me put this plainly, Amanda. If you don’t pick me, I’m gonna kill myself.

Amanda: Oh! I’m sorry. I don’t think I heard you right.

Doug: Yeah, you did. I’m gonna kill myself. I came to win and I’m putting all my chips on the table.

Freddie: Hey, come on, man! That’s not cool. I mean, you can’t put that on her. If you’re battling depression right now, we can get you some help.

Doug: I’m not depressed. This is a game show. I wanna win.

Amanda: Um, is he allowed to do this?

Freddie: No. Of course not. Usually, our producer, Tina vets these people.

Tina: He seemed cool.

Freddie: Let’s just move on.

Amanda: Um, okay. Trent, it’s 2 AM and I text you, “Sup?” What combo of emojis do you send back?

Trent: I’m going peach emoji, eggplant emoji, water squirt and tongue out.

Doug: I’ll tell you what I’ll do if you don’t pick me.

Amanda: Oh, that’s not the question.

Doug: I’ma drive home, park my oldest mobile in my garage, tape this his hose to my exhaust [showing her a pipe], roll down my windows and it goes dark sleep. Eternal sleep. Just like my daddy and my daddy’s daddies before him.

Amanda: Okay. I don’t like this. [to Freddie] I don’t like this at all.

Freddie: Yeah. Agreed.

Amanda: Um, it kind of feels like I have to pick Doug or he’s gonna kill him.

Doug: I sure am.

Chad: What? Wait, what? That’s not fair. I’ll do it. I’ll kill myself too.

Doug: How?

Chad: I don’t know.

Doug: Well, you ain’t serious.

Freddie: Well, Amanda, I hate to push you in this position. But you’re gonna have to pick somebody. Honestly, you do not have to pick Doug. His mental stability is not your responsibility.

Doug: Yes, it is.

Freddie: You don’t owe him anything.

Doug: Yes, you do!

Freddie: There’s no blood on your hands.

Doug: It isn’t if you pick me.

Freddie: Hey! Relax! Alright? Amanda, I’m gonna need that answer. Will it be Treant? Will it be Chad? Or will it be Doug?

Amanda: Chad! I choose Chad.

Chad: Whoo! Ha-ha-ha.

[Chad starts dancing. Amanda walks to Chad and they both walk out.]

Doug: What? What happened here? I gotta do it. I gotta keep my word.

Freddie: Doug, you don’t need to go through with that. You’re worth something.

Doug: Thanks, man.

Freddie: Now, let’s take out that trash!

[trash is falling upon Trent and Doug]

Female voice: These losers got dumped!

Freddie: Ha-ha-ha! We’ll see you next week on Hump or Dump.

[The End]

Homework Hotline

Mr. Lenard… Charles Barkley

Bobo

Pat… Aidy Bryant

Puppeteer… Mikey Day

[Starts with Channel 6 video bumper]

Female voice: Channel 6, public cable television authority, Fountain Valley, California.

[Cut to Homework Hotline book at a bookshelf.]

Female voice: Welcome to Homework Hotline. If you’re in grades 1 through 6 and need help with your homework, call the number on your screen now.

[Zooms out. There’s Mr. Lenard sitting in front of the bookshelf with a puppet.]

Mr. Lenard: Hey, students. I’m Mr. Lenard here with my study buddy Bobo.

Bobo the puppet: And we’re here to help you with your homework. Call now! [kisses Mr. Lenard’s shoulder]

Mr. Lenard: Looks like somebody’s already calling in. First caller, what do you need help with today?

Caller: Hi. My name is Kevin and my question is when you and Bobo have sex, who’s on top and who’s on bottom? Ha-ha!

Mr. Lenard: Hang up on this idiot! Get a life.

Bobo the puppet: How rude!

Mr. Lenard: Yes, Bobo. He’s very rude. Everyday with this turkey nonsense about me and Bobo. Knock it off. Pat, you’re supposed to screen these calls. How are these turkeys getting through?

[Cut to Patty]

Patty: Well, they lie to me and the lord will judge them for it.

[Cut to Mr. Lenard]

Mr. Lenard: Well, try little harder, please. Next caller, what’s stomping you today?

Caller: Hi, I’m Whitney. I’m doing the geography worksheet and I can’t find some places.

Mr. Lenard: Geography? Oh, we need a globe for that.

Bobo the puppet: The globe!

Mr. Lenard: What are we looking for, Whitney?

Caller: This should be easy coz I think Bobo was just there last night. Where is Ballsdeep, USA?

Mr. Lenard: Ballsdeep, USA? Let me see. I know there’s a Balltown in Iowa. Bobo, were you in Ballsdeep last night?

Bobo the puppet: Um, I think this might be another prank call.

Mr. Lenard: Oh, I get it now. Hang up on this turkey.

Bobo the puppet: Shame on you.

Mr. Lenard: You guys think this is funny? Look at my face. I’m not laughing.

Bobo the puppet: I know what will cheer you up. Hugs and kisses. [Bobo the puppet kisses all over Mr. Lenard’s shoulder]

Mr. Lenard: Maybe you should stop with the hugs and kisses. There’s a bunch of YouTube videos of you hugging me with porn music tied in.

Bobo the puppet: But Bobo loves hugs and kisses.

[Bobo the puppet kisses all over Mr. Lenard’s shoulder]

Mr. Lenard: I’m serious, dude! [Mr. Lenard pushes Bobo the puppet away harshly] [the puppeteer comes out of the table]

Puppeteer: Don’t do that again.

Mr. Lenard: Pat, do we have real callers on the phone line?

[Cut to split screen with Patty and Mr. Lenard]

Patty: Well, we have a student named Harry Perra Testies.

Mr. Lenard: No. Next.

Patty: Alright. Well, we have Ryan who is doing a history report on the Mexican outlaw, dirty Sanchez.

Mr. Lenard: Absolutely not. Next?

Patty: Okay. Well, we have Matthew. He’s calling about the atomic weights of elements.

Mr. Lenard: Yes. Hello, Matthew.

Caller: Hey, Mr. Lenard. Hi, Bobo. Those crank callers have way too much time on their hnds.

Mr. Lenard: I agree, Matthew. I like you. What’s your problem?

Caller: So, I have to like, figure out the total atomic weight in an element equation.

Bobo the puppet: Oh! We can use our periodic table!

Mr. Lenard: That’s right, Bobo. Let’s go to the mount cam.

[Cut to the paper Mr. Lenard is using to solve the equation. Mr. Lenard’s first camera view is at the bottom left of the screen.]

What’s the equation, Matthew?

Caller: Um, boron oxygen. [Mr. Lenard writes BO] Then another boron oxygen sulphur. [Mr. Lenard writes BOS] Then cobalt and carbon. [Mr. Lenard writes COC. Altogether, he has written “BOBOS COC”.]

Mr. Lenard: Hold up second. Is the next one potassium?

Caller: Yeah.

Bobo the puppet: Oh! Potassium is K.

Mr. Lenard: Hang up on this liar! Get a life! The caller lines are closed. Lets do one from email.

Patty: Okay. Travis who is in second grade writes, “Did you know that if you rub your pant leg, you can generate static electricity that will make your hair stick up.”

Mr. Lenard: Yes, Travis. That is called friction charges the electrons. Let’s try it Bobo. Rub my pant let.

Bobo the puppet: Okay.

[It looks like Bobo the puppet is helping Mr. Lenard with masturbation.]

Mr. Lenard: A little faster, Bobo.

Bobo the puppet: Is it working?

Mr. Lenard: Um, you know what? This might be another prank. Well, that’s the end of the show. Zero kids helped with their homework. Patty, who’s our viewer of the day?

Patty: Well, today’s viewer of the day if 5th grader Ron Wisley who lives in Herminis Bush, California.

Mr. Lenard: Patty, use your head, Woman!

[Cut to Homework Hotline video bumper] [The End]

Harassment Awards

Danny Kilmartin… Beck Bennett

Yolanda beaks… Cecily Strong

Tom Sturgeson… Alex Moffat

Lenny Martin… Pete Davidson

Renee Genevieve… Kate McKinnon

Ronald Kellogg… Kenan Thompson

Heidi Gardner

Kevin… Chris Redd

Tim Franklin… Charles Barkley

Catherine LeBourge… Aidy Bryant

Jack… Luke Null

[Starts with a video clip of Hollywood city]

Male voice: And now, The Academy of Sexual harassment and Misconduct in Hollywood presents, The Grabbies. Celebrating this year’s worst behavior in entertainment. We take you live to the red carpet with [Cut to Danny and Yolanda in the event] Danny Kilmartin and Yolanda Beaks.

Yolanda: Alright, it is finally that time of year. And what a year it’s been.

Danny: I’m sure excited, and as a man, I’m nervous. [smiling]

Yolanda: So many folks in Hollywood have been accused of so much this year but who will take home the coveted Grabbie?

[Danny shows the award. The award is two hands positioned as they’re going to grab something.]

Danny: I was about to jokingly grab you with the award, Yolanda, but then I stopped myself.

Yolanda: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Good instinct, Danny. And look who’s heading our way. Grabby nominee, Tom Sturgeson.

[Tom Sturgeson walks in]

Tom Sturgeson: Hey, guys. Hey, it’s really upsetting to be here tonight. [smiling]

Danny: So, Tom, you’re nominated for ‘Handsiest Actor’.

Tom Sturgeson: Um, that’s right. I gave out a lot of unwanted massages to my female costars. Also, I showed an intern my penis and said, “Any idea?”

Yolanda: Wow! Don’t want to jinx it but that sounds like award winning behavior to me.

Tom Sturgeson: Well, thanks. You think so, but it’s such a tough category this year. The competition is so stiff. I’m sorry, poor choice of words. I just mean everyone’s rock hard to be here.

Yolanda: Okay. Move along.

Tom Sturgeson: Yeap, I get that.

[Tom Sturgeson walks away]

And look who it is. Approaching us on the red carpet, one of the nominees for ‘Most Open Robe’, Lenny Martin.

Danny: Lenny, who are you wearing tonight?

Lenny Martin: Um, thin sweatpants with no underwear.

Yolanda: Umm, terrific. Now, this is such a huge moment for you. You must be so ashamed!

Lenny Martin: You think so but no.

Danny: Now, can you give us a preview of your speech tonight if you win?

Lenny Martin: Of course. Well, first I’d like to thank guns for pivoting the national conversation away from harassment. I’d also like to thank my uncle for always saying, “Boys will be boys.” Even when it was like OJ. And of course, I’d like to thank drugs and puking for keeping me in shape. It’s hard to look this good when you’re 57.

Danny: Ha-ha-ha. I like this guy.

Yolanda: Danny, don’t!

Danny: Alright.

Yolanda: Now, let’s start over to Renee who is standing by with a very special guest.

[Cut to Renee. She is standing with Ronald Kellogg and Heidi. Ronald Kellogg and Heidi are together. They’re holding hands.]

Renee: That’s right. I’m here with Ronald Kellogg who is receiving the coveted ‘Cecil B. Molestin’ lifetime achievement award.

Ronald Kellogg: You know, when I started out in this business I was just a kid with two hands, one floppy penis and no sense of boundaries. And now look at me. Praise to the devil. And if the clean up crew at the Peninsula Hotel is watching, get to bed you guys. You’re gonna have a big morning tomorrow.

Renee: [laughing] Okay, great. And is this your wife? [pointing at Heidi]

Ronald Kellogg: Um, no, this is a prostitute.

Heidi: This is fun.

Ronald Kellogg: Oh, you like that? Why don’t you eat this apple?

Renee: Okay, cool. Back to you Yolanda and Danny.

[Cut to Yolanda and Kevin. Kevin is there replacing Danny]

Yolanda: Oh, correction! Yolanda and Kevin. Because that stuff we always suspected about my cohost Danny just showed up on Babe.net.

Kevin: Happy to be here. Is this a trap?

Yolanda: And look who it is. He is nominated tonight for “Best Non Apology’, Tim Franklin.

Tim Franklin: Hey, honey. How is it going?

Yolanda: And his hand is already on the small of my back.

Tim Franklin: Oops! That’s why I’m nominated.

Yolanda: Yeah. Now, when women first started speaking out in Hollywood, you made a public statement.

Tim Franklin: That’s right. I said all women deserve to be heard.

Yolanda: Right. And then, when a woman accused you of misconduct, what did you do?

Tim Franklin: I called her a liar and troll. I had my lawyer publish her home address.

Kevin: Um, but I can’t help notice you’re wearing several pins. Is that a “Time’s Up” pin right up there?

Tim Franklin: Oh, it’s a “Tim’s up”, coz my name is “Tim”, and I’m “UP” to trying anything.

Yolanda: And, does that one say, “I’m with her?”

Tim Franklin: No. It says, “I’m with Herpes.” The doctors gave it to me this morning.

Yolanda: Well. I hope you get what’s coming to you. And Renee, what kind of swag bag are people taking home tonight?

[Cut to Renee]

Renee: Well, all the nominees tonight get a gift certificate to Massage Envy. They’ve got over 1,000 locations and over 10,000 accusations. And speaking of accusations, here comes the first woman ever nominated for a Grabby, Catherine LeBourge

Catherine LeBourge: Yes, so proud to be here.

Renee: Wow! You know, for a woman to get accused, you must have done something truly extraordinary.

Catherine LeBourge: Yes. I bit off an intern’s penis.

Renee: Ah! Amazing. Amazing.

Catherine LeBourge: Yeah. Well, I thought it was a about time that Women got into some trouble too. That’s why from here on out, I’ll be peeping peepees and squeezing sausages all over Tinseltown.

Renee: Okay. That’s great. And which movie did you work on this year?

Catherine LeBourge: Oh. “Shape of Water.” It was actually my job to get the fish horny.

Renee: Well, congratulations. And back to Yolanda and Heidi.

[Cut to Yolanda and Jack. Jack is replacing Kevin.]

Yolanda: Nope. Kevin’s gone too. This is… I wanna say Jack.

Jack: I’d rather not say.

Yolanda: Oh! Good call. We’re gonna take a quick break. And we’ll be back with the nominees for ‘Best Animated Grope’ and ‘Worst Thing Done To A Plant.’

Jack: Oh, man! Twitter just found out my name.

[Cut to The Grabbies video bumper]

Male voice: When The Grabbies return on ABC.

Con Ed Repair Site

Chet… Kenan Thompson

Jack… Charles Barkley

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a group of men working at the construction repair site. One is using a jackhammer It’s making a lot of noise.]

Chet: Hey, hey, hey. Jack, jack, shut it down. Shut it down. [Jack shuts it down] You’ve been on the jackhammer all day. Stop hogging it. Let somebody else get in there.

Jack: I don’t mind. I love it. There’s something about breaking pavement that relaxes me. [Chet takes the jackhammer]

Beck: Heads up guys. Killer babe, ten o’clock.

[A very attractive woman walks by]

Chris: Damn girl. You’re really killing them.

[The woman turns around]

Woman: Don’t! Don’t even, okay? This may come as a shock to you but I am not n object and you need to wake up.

[The woman leaves.]

Men: Oh!

Chris: All I was gonna say is it was nice. You look nice. And thanks for the splashing color.

Beck: Yeah. Yeah. Right. Of course you were.

Jack: Why do always ladies get to wear the best color? You can’t find that magenta that sings like that in men’s clothes.

Chet: You know, sometimes– you know, this might be stupid but I wonder what I would wear, you know? If was like a lady, you know? Like, what my style would be?

Beck: Where are we going with this?

Pete: I don’t know. Chet is right. I mean, it’s so dumb but women have so many options. You know what I mean?

Mikey: Yeah. I mean, when you look at my closet, it’s just a sea of tans and browns. But, I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Jack: I am with you with that. Why do women get to echo the season with such a playful ways?

Chris: Hell! I’ma say this. If I were a woman, I’d rock a high waisted harem pants. There it is.

Beck: Did we get high and I not know about it? Come on, guys. Let’s eat roast beef sandwiches and talk about the girls we’d like to date around with.

Chet: Man, we do that everyday. Today, we’re exploring our new avenue.

Mikey: You know, sometimes when I watch the Oscars and the red carpet, I’m like, “How would I wow them if I were a nominated actress?” I don’t know. Right?

Jack: I think I’d wear a gown that had a large peekaboo hole in the back. I’d put a backward necklace with a little pendant that comes around and float in the middle. I don’t know. I’m just spitballing.

Chet: Huh! Well, what might you carry as a clutch there, Jack?

Jack: Something small. Just big enough for my phone, acceptance speech and a few pills.

Pete: I’d like to think how I’d pose on the carpet. Maybe something like this. [Pete does the pose] I don’t know. It’s one of my bad things.

Chet: You know, I think I might wear like a gold slouchy boot. You know? The one that you can push down around your ankle. maybe some shimmery stretch pants with like, an oversized soft piece sweat top that has like, a large enough neck opening so they will fall down. I don’t know. Suppose in like, one shoulder. And maybe the shirt would have like, a phrase on the front. Like, “I’m no angel.” I don’t know.

Guys: [laughing] You wearing that to the Oscars?

Jack: You out of your mind. That’s a VMA look. You don’t disrespect The Academy show looking like brass doll.

Chet: Ay! You putting words in my mouth. I never said I’d wear that to the Oscars.

Jack: Don’t be mad at me. We were talking about the Oscars. And you bring up this outfit sounding like straight out of mannequin from Strawberries.

Guys: Oh!

Pete: It went there!

Chet: Well, maybe you’re just jealous because you wouldn’t be able to pull that look off.

Jack: I outta crack your skull right now.

Beck: Ay, easy! I’m trying to digest my roast beef here. Can we change the subject please?

Chris: Definitely. So, pantyhose or no? Where are we at?

Jack: That’s a big no. What are you? A cemetery from the 80s?

Beck: Guys, come on. Heads up. What’s coming our way.

[Another very attractive woman walks by them]

Hey, you looking hot.

Woman: Get a freaking life, you moron.

Beck: You know what? [music playing in the background] Toxic masculinity is a pair of velvet handcuffs. And gender norms have the hidden key. I’m comfortable with it. But I know I’m restricted. Hell, I couldn’t even figure out what dress I’d wear to the Oscars. It’s because I have no imagination. My mind can’t go there. You know? I’m not suited for abstract thinking.

Jack: Well, I think you’d probably wear long denim skirt with a really thin metallic belt.

Mikey: Yeah. With like, a nice shawl.

Beck: A shawl? Is my daughter getting married? Why am I covering my shoulders?

Chet: Well, we think that will look good on you.

Beck: [yelling] You would! You have no taste. I can’t believe this is how you see me. I thought you guys were my friends.

[Beck walks away]

Jack: What was that all about? Give me that jackhammer back. This is stressing me out.

[The End]

 

Charles Barkley Athletes Monologue

Charles Barkley

Michael Che

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Charles Barkley.

[Charles Barkley walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Charles Barkley: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m an athlete and athletes’ been speaking a lot this year. They’ve been kneeling during the anthem, refusing to go to the White House, but a lot of professional athletes are worried about speaking out might hurt their career. Well, there’s something that contradicts all of that. Me! I’ve been saying whatever the hell I want for 30 years and I’m doing great. [cheers and applause] I’m hosting SNL for the 4th time for no reason other than Lorne Michaels just wanted somebody to talk to about Black Panther. But this country has had a great tradition of athletes speaking their minds. Muhammad Ali changed the way people thought about Vietnam. Jim Brown had people thinking about race. Michael Jordan even thought it was okay for humans to play with Looney Tunes.

Well, some folks still think we’re all spoiled millionaires. But athletes work hard. I’m successful because I have a great work ethic. I’m responsible. And when I was born, I was three feet tall and weighed 26 pounds. But some people don’t want to hear from professional athletes. Like, there’s a lady on FOX News who told LeBron James to shut up and dribble. And dribbling is like, LeBron’s only four things he’s good at. Shooting, passing and magically making his hairline come back.

But the media does this stuff all the time. I went to president Obama’s 50th birthday party. They got video of me and Jay-Z, Steve Harvey in Grand Hill at the party. And FOX News called it ‘a hiphop barbecue’. First of all, we were the only four black people there. And three of us ain’t even in hiphop. So calling it a hiphop barbecue is like any tournament Tiger plays in, deaf golf jam.

Look, I gotta mess with people complaining about athletes. We can do a lot more than dribble. I’m a broadcaster. I wrote a book. I even got my own wine. That’s true. It’s called CB Vineyards. It’s the only chardonnay that pairs great with a sausage biscuit. Yeah. You know what? But at the end of the day, athletes are the only ones speaking out in their communities.

[Michael Che walks in]

Michael Che: Ay! Wow! Wow! Charles! What about comedians? [cheers and applause] We speak all the time.

Charles Barkley: Well, look at you, Michael. Nobody takes you seriously.

Michael Che: Well, tell that to the people who called me racist just for telling jokes.

Charles Barkley: I’m sorry to hear that.

Michael Che: Well, they did make a good point.

Charles Barkley: People should be able to disagree. For example, I’m proud to stand for the anthem. Unless Fergie’s singing it, and I just fall over laughing. Coz it’s hilarious.

Michael Che: And I stay seated for the anthem because I’m still in my Uber. Because black people are always late.

Charles Barkley: That’s not true.

Michael Che: I told you I’m a racist.

Charles Barkley: Hey! I might agree with that. But you can say you still have you career. And all your athletes out there, you can too. So, LeBron, keep on dribbling and don’t ever shut up. And maybe one day, you can host SNL for the 4th time just like me.

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: That was beautiful, man!

Charles Barkley: Shut up! Hey, so buckle up! It’s gonna be a real hiphop barbecue in here tonight. We got a great show. Migos is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Inside the NBA

Ernie Johnson… Alex Moffat

Kenny Smith… Chris Redd

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Shaquille O’Neal… Kevin Hart

[Starts with Inside The NBA intro] [Cut to the show set]

Ernie: Hey, welcome back to Inside The NBA. I’m Ernie Johnson. That’s Kenny the Jet Smith and Charles Barkley.

Charles: Hey, there.

Kenny: What’s up?

Ernie: And on my right is Shaquille O’Neal.

Shaq: Happy holidays and Merry Christmas. Very merry. If you’re Jewish, happy home manukkah.

Ernie: Thank you, Shaq. Um, we also want to welcome back Charles who spent the past few days in his home state of Alabama campaign for Doug Jones. I’m sure you’re happy, Charles.

Charles: Oh, man, I am, Ernie. First of all, I’m happy for Alabama. I’m happy for the country. And I’d be personally happy if I hadn’t bet $100,000 on Roy Moore.

Kenny: Wait, you bet on Roy Moore?

Charles: I couldn’t help it, man. I thought he was a lock. I’m from Alabama. That’s not the most progressive place. I mean a lot of folks down there think that Ellen DeGeneres is going through a phase. I mean, Roy Moore rode a horse to the polls.

Shaq: Hah! Ay, Shaq can’t ride no horse. Feet don’t touch the ground. But you can’t be the dead horse because dead horse tell no tales. Coz they’re horses. We lost their tails.

[Shaq looks around. Everybody is confused of what he just said.]

Charles: Shaq, you gotta get it together, man. I think you’re the only basketball player whose brain has aged like a football player. Let’s just say congratulations to Doug Jones.

Kenny: It’s amazing that the underdog won.

Shaq: Yeah. Well, let me say something. Every dog has it’s day. But it was night time. No time for dogs. Dogs are asleep, so it’s cat time. Cats come out at night. Freaks come out at night. Shaq a freak!

[Shaq looks around. Everybody is confused of what he just said.]

Charles: Shaq, what the hell are you saying, man? We talking about the senate election.

Shaq: Ho-ho. Hey, I love the send-it (senate). I write an email, hit the send button, boom. Send it (senate).

Charles: Oh, damn, Shaq. It’s like a whole bunch of words got jumbled up in your brain and a fire marshall said, “Everybody out!”

Shaq: Hey, you shut your mouth, Charles. Don’t make me come over there and do something Shaq for you ass. Ya-ha-haa.

Ernie: Okie, dokie. Um, let’s just move on to tonight’s games. First up, LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavs are taking on the LA Lakers.

Kenny: Expect a big game from LeBron having another NVP. He’s just on an entirely different playing field this season.

Shaq: No, no, no. No. That’s ridiculous Kenny. LeBron is not on his field. He’s on a court, dummy. You dumb. A court is in session. Alright. The honorable Shaq and Shaq don’t crack. Haaa.

Charles: Damn, Shaq. I can hear your tiny brain rattling around your skull like a little bean in a maraca.

Ernie: Oh, alright. Alright. Let’s all try to get along for once?

Shaq: Yeah. That’s right. Coz when you get along, you go along. And when you go along, you tag along. And Shaq loves Tag alongs. Best girls got cookies. Tag alongs. It is the Shaq of cookies. Haaa.

Charles: Shaq, that didn’t make a lick of sense. How do you even do endorsements? Do they just put a pack of ice in your hand and then sprayed peanut butter on the roof of your mouth and dropped over the words later.

Shaq: Okay. That’s it. It’s go time. [Shaq stands, he is very tall] Let’s go, Chuck. Throw me the ball.  [someone throws a basketball to Shaq.] Haa, yeah. Me and you, Charles.

Charles: Okay.

Shaq: Let’s go.

Charles: Come on, man. We are getting too old for this.

Ernie: Guys, guys, we are paid to come to work and talk bout basketball.

Shaq: No. No. No. I’m about to get you barbecued chicken. It’s duckets coz you shaqed in a fool. Let’s go, Chuck.

Charles: Man, look at you. Tall body with little arms. You look like the letter ‘F’ came to life.

Ernie: Okay. Hey, we’ll be right back where maybe, we’ll even talk a little basketball.

Charles: $1,000 says we won’t.