Charles Barkley Athletes Monologue

Charles Barkley

Michael Che

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Charles Barkley.

[Charles Barkley walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Charles Barkley: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m an athlete and athletes’ been speaking a lot this year. They’ve been kneeling during the anthem, refusing to go to the White House, but a lot of professional athletes are worried about speaking out might hurt their career. Well, there’s something that contradicts all of that. Me! I’ve been saying whatever the hell I want for 30 years and I’m doing great. [cheers and applause] I’m hosting SNL for the 4th time for no reason other than Lorne Michaels just wanted somebody to talk to about Black Panther. But this country has had a great tradition of athletes speaking their minds. Muhammad Ali changed the way people thought about Vietnam. Jim Brown had people thinking about race. Michael Jordan even thought it was okay for humans to play with Looney Tunes.

Well, some folks still think we’re all spoiled millionaires. But athletes work hard. I’m successful because I have a great work ethic. I’m responsible. And when I was born, I was three feet tall and weighed 26 pounds. But some people don’t want to hear from professional athletes. Like, there’s a lady on FOX News who told LeBron James to shut up and dribble. And dribbling is like, LeBron’s only four things he’s good at. Shooting, passing and magically making his hairline come back.

But the media does this stuff all the time. I went to president Obama’s 50th birthday party. They got video of me and Jay-Z, Steve Harvey in Grand Hill at the party. And FOX News called it ‘a hiphop barbecue’. First of all, we were the only four black people there. And three of us ain’t even in hiphop. So calling it a hiphop barbecue is like any tournament Tiger plays in, deaf golf jam.

Look, I gotta mess with people complaining about athletes. We can do a lot more than dribble. I’m a broadcaster. I wrote a book. I even got my own wine. That’s true. It’s called CB Vineyards. It’s the only chardonnay that pairs great with a sausage biscuit. Yeah. You know what? But at the end of the day, athletes are the only ones speaking out in their communities.

[Michael Che walks in]

Michael Che: Ay! Wow! Wow! Charles! What about comedians? [cheers and applause] We speak all the time.

Charles Barkley: Well, look at you, Michael. Nobody takes you seriously.

Michael Che: Well, tell that to the people who called me racist just for telling jokes.

Charles Barkley: I’m sorry to hear that.

Michael Che: Well, they did make a good point.

Charles Barkley: People should be able to disagree. For example, I’m proud to stand for the anthem. Unless Fergie’s singing it, and I just fall over laughing. Coz it’s hilarious.

Michael Che: And I stay seated for the anthem because I’m still in my Uber. Because black people are always late.

Charles Barkley: That’s not true.

Michael Che: I told you I’m a racist.

Charles Barkley: Hey! I might agree with that. But you can say you still have you career. And all your athletes out there, you can too. So, LeBron, keep on dribbling and don’t ever shut up. And maybe one day, you can host SNL for the 4th time just like me.

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: That was beautiful, man!

Charles Barkley: Shut up! Hey, so buckle up! It’s gonna be a real hiphop barbecue in here tonight. We got a great show. Migos is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Inside the NBA

Ernie Johnson… Alex Moffat

Kenny Smith… Chris Redd

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Shaquille O’Neal… Kevin Hart

[Starts with Inside The NBA intro] [Cut to the show set]

Ernie: Hey, welcome back to Inside The NBA. I’m Ernie Johnson. That’s Kenny the Jet Smith and Charles Barkley.

Charles: Hey, there.

Kenny: What’s up?

Ernie: And on my right is Shaquille O’Neal.

Shaq: Happy holidays and Merry Christmas. Very merry. If you’re Jewish, happy home manukkah.

Ernie: Thank you, Shaq. Um, we also want to welcome back Charles who spent the past few days in his home state of Alabama campaign for Doug Jones. I’m sure you’re happy, Charles.

Charles: Oh, man, I am, Ernie. First of all, I’m happy for Alabama. I’m happy for the country. And I’d be personally happy if I hadn’t bet $100,000 on Roy Moore.

Kenny: Wait, you bet on Roy Moore?

Charles: I couldn’t help it, man. I thought he was a lock. I’m from Alabama. That’s not the most progressive place. I mean a lot of folks down there think that Ellen DeGeneres is going through a phase. I mean, Roy Moore rode a horse to the polls.

Shaq: Hah! Ay, Shaq can’t ride no horse. Feet don’t touch the ground. But you can’t be the dead horse because dead horse tell no tales. Coz they’re horses. We lost their tails.

[Shaq looks around. Everybody is confused of what he just said.]

Charles: Shaq, you gotta get it together, man. I think you’re the only basketball player whose brain has aged like a football player. Let’s just say congratulations to Doug Jones.

Kenny: It’s amazing that the underdog won.

Shaq: Yeah. Well, let me say something. Every dog has it’s day. But it was night time. No time for dogs. Dogs are asleep, so it’s cat time. Cats come out at night. Freaks come out at night. Shaq a freak!

[Shaq looks around. Everybody is confused of what he just said.]

Charles: Shaq, what the hell are you saying, man? We talking about the senate election.

Shaq: Ho-ho. Hey, I love the send-it (senate). I write an email, hit the send button, boom. Send it (senate).

Charles: Oh, damn, Shaq. It’s like a whole bunch of words got jumbled up in your brain and a fire marshall said, “Everybody out!”

Shaq: Hey, you shut your mouth, Charles. Don’t make me come over there and do something Shaq for you ass. Ya-ha-haa.

Ernie: Okie, dokie. Um, let’s just move on to tonight’s games. First up, LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavs are taking on the LA Lakers.

Kenny: Expect a big game from LeBron having another NVP. He’s just on an entirely different playing field this season.

Shaq: No, no, no. No. That’s ridiculous Kenny. LeBron is not on his field. He’s on a court, dummy. You dumb. A court is in session. Alright. The honorable Shaq and Shaq don’t crack. Haaa.

Charles: Damn, Shaq. I can hear your tiny brain rattling around your skull like a little bean in a maraca.

Ernie: Oh, alright. Alright. Let’s all try to get along for once?

Shaq: Yeah. That’s right. Coz when you get along, you go along. And when you go along, you tag along. And Shaq loves Tag alongs. Best girls got cookies. Tag alongs. It is the Shaq of cookies. Haaa.

Charles: Shaq, that didn’t make a lick of sense. How do you even do endorsements? Do they just put a pack of ice in your hand and then sprayed peanut butter on the roof of your mouth and dropped over the words later.

Shaq: Okay. That’s it. It’s go time. [Shaq stands, he is very tall] Let’s go, Chuck. Throw me the ball.  [someone throws a basketball to Shaq.] Haa, yeah. Me and you, Charles.

Charles: Okay.

Shaq: Let’s go.

Charles: Come on, man. We are getting too old for this.

Ernie: Guys, guys, we are paid to come to work and talk bout basketball.

Shaq: No. No. No. I’m about to get you barbecued chicken. It’s duckets coz you shaqed in a fool. Let’s go, Chuck.

Charles: Man, look at you. Tall body with little arms. You look like the letter ‘F’ came to life.

Ernie: Okay. Hey, we’ll be right back where maybe, we’ll even talk a little basketball.

Charles: $1,000 says we won’t.

Where’d Your Money Go?

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Rob Gronkowski… John Cena

Conor McGregor… Alex Moffat

John Daly… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with stage of the game ‘Where’d Your Money Go?’]

Male voice: It’s Where’d Your Money Go? With your host Charles Barkley.

[Charles Barkley walks in]

Charles Barkley: Alright, hello. This is Charles Barkley. Hey there, pro athletes and welcome to Where’d Your Money Go? Where we try to teach financial security to some of the world’s most ignorant millionaires. Look, I’m not making judgements. If I managed my money well, I damn sure wouldn’t be hosting a game show. Alright, let’s meet our contestants. First, we got an all star tight end for the New England Patriots worth $15 million, it’s Rob Gronkowski.

Rob Gronkowski: What’s up, bro? It’ so awesome, haha.

Charles Barkley: Alright. Now, you’re a football player and your body is your paycheck, but once a year you trash it on a cruise called Gronk’s party ship.

Rob Gronkowski: So awesome. Just me, my five brothers, 800 friends doing lemon drop shots wearing huge sunglasses. Hit!

Charles Barkley: Oh, man! You’re like a Dave and Busters if it was a person. Next, we got a man who wears $10,000 suits and just bought $350,000 Rolls Royce, UFC fighter, Conor McGregor.

Conor McGregor: Charles, I’m not going broke, so you can take your patronizing tone and shove it up your ass.

Charles Barkley: Alright, I know you’re not broke now, but let me ask you a question. How many high school friends work for you?

Conor McGregor: Six.

Charles Barkley: Well, you better get yourself a Roth IRA, Conor. You know what that is?

Conor McGregor: Yeah. I’ve been in the IRA since protestants moved into my neighborhood.

Charles Barkley: And finally, a golfer who has lost $90 million over that past 15 years. He is currently ranked 991st in the world. It’s John Daly.

John Daly: [smoking] I’m still in playing shape, man. I’m loose as a goose.

Charles Barkley: Yeah, you’re playing golf. It’s the only professional sport where people carry your stuff. Alright, let’s take a look at our ‘Where’d Your Money Go?’ categories. They’re the usual four. I spent it. I sniffed it. I lost it. She took it. Okay, the game is simple. I’m going to throw out some scenarios, and the answer to every one of them is ‘No’. You got it? Okay, good. Gronk, I’m gonna let you pick first.

Rob Gronkowski: Awesome, bro. Let’s go with the spinning.

Charles Barkley: Okay, the first question in that category. Buy a cheetah. Scenario: You’re looking for a pet but the seller warns you that this pet might eat your family. Do you still buy it?

[buzzer sound] Gronk.

Rob Gronkowski: Hell, yeah. Cheetah would be awesome bro. Put some sunglasses on it and feed it Cheetos.

Charles Barkley: Gronk, let’s try to remember the rules. The answer is always ‘No.’ [buzzer sound] John Daly.

John Daly: Hell, I’ll buy that son of a bitch. It can be buddies with my shark.

Charles Barkley: That is incorrect. Once again, the answer is always ‘No.’ Remember, if you own an animal that used to belong to a drug dealer or middle eastern dictator, that’s a red flag. Okay, pick again, Gronk.

Rob Gronkowski: Ah, let’s move to I lost it.

Charles Barkley: Okay, the question there. Own a restaurant. Scenario: A man in a nightclub wants you to invest in an Asian fusion restaurant even though you have absolutely no restaurant experience and you don’t know what Asian fusion even is. Do you do it? [buzzer] Gronk.

Rob Gronkowski: Absolutely, bro. Write him a check. Wings all day.

Charles Barkley: Gronk, this is about investing. Do you know what that is?

Rob Gronkowski: Yeah, dude! I just invested $2 million in Solo Cups.

Charles Barkley: Oh, okay. How did you do that?

Rob Gronkowski: Bought a boatload of Solo Cups.

Charles Barkley: Alright, Gronk, I think you’ve eaten too many wings. Your head is full of thigh meat. Anybody else here know how to invest?

John Daly: Hell yeah, man. I just launched my own alcoholic sports drink. It’s called Smirnoff Sport. Smirnoff Sport. It’s just blue vodka.

Conor McGregor: Invest? Pfft. Why should I invest in some silly bank for years when I can go to Vegas and double my money in an hour? All I do is win, Charles.

Charles Barkley: Okay. Last time you went to Vegas, what happened?

Conor McGregor: I lost.

Charles Barkley: Conor, gambling is an addiction. I still have my issues myself. Yesterday I bet Michael Jordan $10,000 that I would get a hole in one.

Conor McGregor: the odds of that is fairly long, man.

Charles Barkley: I know. Specially because we was playing poker. Gronk, nobody got us, so why don’t you pick again?

Rob Gronkowski: Let’s go over to ‘She took it’.

Charles Barkley: Okay, the question there, Trust a Stripper. Scenario: A stripper you just met follows you home, sits you down, and then says put on this blindfold and count to 1,000. Do you do it? I’m going to give you a hint. You don’t do it. [buzzer] Conor.

Conor McGregor: I like that. She’s freaky, right? Yeah, you bloody go for it.

Charles Barkley: No! You angry little leprechaun. Remember, there’s only one answer. Anybody else? [buzzer] Gronk.

Rob Gronkowski: Sounds like a trick question. Nobody can count to a thousand, so I’m gonna go for it.

Charles Barkley: Gronk, you know the rules when it comes to strippers. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, my wife senses a pattern. Oh, man, this is terrible. I really believed that you guys would get at least one question.

Rob Gronkowski: Sorry we let you down, bro.

Charles Barkley: No, no, it’s not just me. Personally, I bet the Phoenix sons Gorilla, that one of you would get one answer right. And now I’m down $50,000. Okay, let’s just take a break. When we come back on ‘Where’d Your Money Go?’ we will ask, cocaine, is it your friend?

John Daly: No, it’s your family.

Charles Barkley: No, you shut it, John Daly.

Weekend Update Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Shaquille O’Neal… Jay Pharoah

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It was a historic week in NBA. The Golden State Warriors set a record with 73 wins. Kobe Bryant retired after 20 seasons. And the NBA playoff started today. Here to give their takes are Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal.

[1 and Shaquille O’Neal slide in]

Charles Barkley: How are you doing, Michael? Wow, big year for the NBA.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq like beard. Real beard. Big more than little.

Michael Che: Okay, so Kobe Bryant had an incredible last game. He’s 37 years old and scored 60 points.

Charles Barkley: Yeah. But it took 50 shots. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] That’s like putting a chip on every single number in a roulette board. You’re bound to win once, unless you’re me, and you bet it all on number twe-ive.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Twe-ive? That’s not a number.

Charles Barkley: Oh, man. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] Too bad you don’t work at the counter.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq will still play. Shaq can win a championship. With Kobe.

Charles Barkley: No, you could not, Shaq. Look at you. It’s like you’re having a staring contest with yourself. [pulling three fingers out] How many fingers am I holding out?

Shaquille O’Neal: 44.

Charles Barkley: Damn. There must have been a gas leak in your home for the past 10 years.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Now, what do you think Kobe is gonna do now?

Charles Barkley: Oh, there’s lots of things a retired player can do. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] You can do commercials. Like, Shaq is a spokesman for ‘I say hot’.

Shaquille O’Neal: Hmm, it’s delicious. I put it on Texas toast. Toast is warm and cool at the same time.

Charles Barkley: Dammit Shaq! I think blood tried to flow all the way up to your brain but then gets too tired, just hangs out on your shoulders as say, “We’ll try again tomorrow.”

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Look Michael, you gotta be careful with your money after you retire. Last week, I bet somebody a $100,000 that I could eat 10 hamburgers and I couldn’t do it.

Michael Che: Why would you even think you could do that?

Charles Barkley: Because few minutes before I made that bet, I ate 10 hamburgers.

[Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Shaquille O’Neal: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Charles Barkley: What you laughing at?

Shaquille O’Neal: Because I got a joke. Listen. A horse walked into a bar.

[silence]

Charles Barkley: Then what?

Shaquille O’Neal: It’s funny. A horse shouldn’t be in a bar. it don’t have no ID.

Charles Barkley: Why couldn’t I have picked Michael Jordan to be my life companion? Put yourself together, Shaq. You got twe-ive kids.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal, everybody.

Charles Barkley: Anybody wants 10 hamburgers?

Weekend Update Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal

Michael Che

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Shaquille O’Neal… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Tyler’s not real. The first round of the NBA playoffs is now over with the LA Clippers beating the San Antonio Spurs. Here to give their takes are two greats from inside NBA, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal.

[Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal slide in] [cheers and applause]

Charles Barkley: Alright! Hey, how y’all doing?

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq in the house!

Michael Che: Now, before we start congratulations, Shaq, you just got your own show called, and this is not a joke, “Shaqtin’ a Fool”.

[Cut to Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Shaquille O’Neal: That’s right. Shaq will be on TV. First time ever.

Charles Barkley: What? Shaq, you’re on TV right now. Oh, man! Shaq’s brain has gotten smaller because it needs to make more room for food. He’s up to here with potatoes.

Shaquille O’Neal: Oh, you just grumping.

Charles Barkley: I know. I bet a lot of money on Manny Pacquiao.

[Cut to Michael Che, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Well, that’s not a bad bet.

Charles Barkley: Yeah, but I bet on him to win Kentucky Derby. They said he was fast.

Michael Che: Alright, let’s just talk about the playoff. LeBron James and the Cavaliers are the favorites in the east, but they just lost Kevin Love who got his arm literally torn out of the socket on the court. I mean, it’s scary out there.

[Cut to Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq’s never scared. Like Ray Parker Jr. I ain’t afraid of no goat.

Charles Barkley: Goat? It’s ghosts!

Shaquille O’Neal: Where? Where? Where the ghosts at?

Charles Barkley: The point is– no there’s no ghost over there. There’s a point here– And it is that the NBA is way less violent than it was 20 years ago. Man, when I was on the court, I got hit all the time. And once off the court, when I was dating Rosie, she gave me something called a Puerto Rican hicky.

[Cut to Michael Che, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: What’s a Puerto Rican hicky?

Charles Barkley: It’s when a girl that you’re seeing runs up to you and punches you in the neck.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq loves necks. Necks are good. Necks hold up your head.

[Cut to Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Charles Barkley: Oh, dammit, Shaq. I gave you power of attorney. If I die, you get my kids.

Michael Che: Oh, no!

Charles Barkley: Michael!

Michael Che: Yeah!

Charles Barkley: These players today are so soft man. Have you seen the way they dress? Russell Westbrook with those crazy paddle shirts looks like magic eye poster. If you stare long enough, you’ll see a sail boat.

Shaquille O’Neal: I see it right away.

Charles Barkley: Yeah, I know. You see it. Of course you do. Your eyes are trying to french kiss each other. If these people wanna know how to dress, they should talk to me.

Shaquille O’Neal: Why you? You look like somebody put a jacket on a Cadbury.

[Shaquille O’Neal leans towards the table]

Charles Barkley: Oh, my god! He formed a full sentence and now he’s tipping over. Good lord. Somebody get the man.

[Cut to Michael Che, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Maybe we should go. Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

College Basketball

Ernie Johnson… Beck Bennett

Kenny Smith… Jay Pharoan

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Mike Krzyzewski… Taran Killam

Steve… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Road to the Final Four intro] [Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles in their set] [cheers and applause]

Ernie: Thank you for joining us on the CBS post game show. I’m Ernie Johnson here with Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley. Well, the teams are set. [Cut to Ernie] A big upset tonight as Wisconsin beats Kentucky and will play Duke for the man’s national championship. What an exciting performance by these student athletes, guys.

[Cut to all]

Kenny: Incredible.

Charles: Yeah. It really was. [Cut to Charles] I don’t even like college basketball. They just pay me to sit here for two weeks in March and keep talking until somebody hands me a sandwich.

[Cut to Ernie]

Ernie: Well, some tough news after the game guys. As Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski announced, his team may have major setback. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Mike in a press conference]

Mike: Um, thank you all for being here. While we are thrilled to be competing for a national championship, I am sorry to report that one of our student athletes had an emergency. And our starting forward Jahlil Okafor will not play on Monday.

[Cut to the press being shocked.]

Kyle: Is he hurt?

Pete: Is he sick

Cecily: Did he tear an ACL?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Um, no. No. He has a big biology test on Tuesday. Real big. It’s a tough break but what are you gonna do?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Wait, you’re gonna keep him out of the National Championship game because of a biology test?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Of course, I am. Guys, these are student athletes. Students. If they only came to college to play basketball, then we’d all look pretty silly.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Coach, millions of people will be watching. I mean, there are sponsors paying big money. Is this biology test really that important?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: It’s about more than the test, okay? It’s like I told all my players, college is the most important year of your life. Look, these guys get paid in education. And if we can’t give them that, it’s like they’re being robbed. It’s be as if Duke didn’t pay me my salary of $10 million this year. [laughing] I mean, insane! So right now. Jahlil is in the Buffalo Wildwing study tent quietly working on the paper.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: So, if Okafor isn’t playing, who will start?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Well, we still got Steve. Steve, you wanna come in here?

[Steve walks in with a basketball.]

Steve: Hey, what’s up? Yeah, let’s ball, am I right?

Mike: Steve is actually a walk on player. He is a 36 year old grad student.

Steve: Yeah. I went back to school to make my little girl proud.

Mike: Now, look. Is Steve better than Jahlil Okafor?

Steve: No.

Mike: Absolutely not.

Steve: No way.

Mike: Steve’s playing because he doesn’t have a test on Tuesday. That’s just how it works.

Steve: Yeah, we ballin’!

[Steve loses the ball from his hand] [Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles]

Ernie: Wow, tough break for Duke, specially for Jahlil Okafor.

[Cut to Kenny]

Kenny: I mean Okafor may feel bad today. But in the long run, it’s worth it. Remember, if he doesn’t take advantage of the college experience, he will just have to spend time the rest of his like a millionaire in NBA. That’s a tragedy. It’s a tragedy.

[Cut to Ernie]

Ernie: So, when you guys played, everyone cared this much about their studies?

[Cut to Charles]

Charles: Oh, absolutely Ernie. There in my time in Auburn, all I thought about was homework. One game, I missed all these free throws because I couldn’t stop thinking about my science project. I just couldn’t figure out exactly how much baking soda to put in volcanos. And I majored in volcanos.

[Cut to Kenny]

Kenny: I mean in North Carolina, I studied all the time. Because I’d be damned if I was going to be the only one in the NBA who did not know the poetry of Emily Dickerson. I mean, come on!

[Cut to Charles]

Charles: Me too. Me too. College basketball, more than just a sport. It’s about tradition. It’s about values. It’s about a huge bet I made that Kentucky would at least cover this bread. Now I got to eat a basketball.

[Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles]

Come on, man!

Ernie: We’ll see how it all goes down on Monday right here. And…

Ernie, Kenny and Charles: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!