Megan Thee Stallion
James Austin Johnson
Charlie… Mikey Day[Starts with show intro clips]
Male voice: This fall, a new medical drama for our times, it’s Hot Girl Hospital.[Nurse pushes Heidi into the hospital on a hospital bed]
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m right here. You are in good hands.
Doctor: What’s her status?
Nurse: 46, Female, mad as hell. She ain’t given what a game.
Doctor: Oh my god. And the fit?
Doctor: I need a BBM stat. 6 cc’s of Tommy T and whatever fashion nova we got.
Heidi: What’s a BBL? Just let my basic ass die.
Nurse: No, ma’am. You’re gonna be a bad bitch real soon.
Male voice: From Shonda Rhimes, and the top commenters on the shade room.s Instagram, it’s Hot Girl Hospital. The story of three everyday heroes blowing up their community, one dusty chick at a time.
Punkie: Oh girl, I gotta work on double tonight.
Nurse: Girl, I know. and I got a Weebo plasty followed by emergency twerk exam? This job, I swear to god.
Doctor: Hold up. Who that?[4 and 5 are panicking]
Marcello: My friend, my friend. He’s been in an accident.
James: I don’t wanna die.
Heidi: He is bleeding.
Nurse: We don’t do all that here. Leave.
Punkie: You can go, sir.
Male voice: When life is on the line, these are the three women who will answer the call, say something rude, then hang up.
Charlie: Hey, I’m Charlie, New York Presbyterian cardiology.
Nurse: Okay. But we don’t do that here. We do wigs, butts and clothes. If you want something else, you’re more than welcome to look around.
Charlie: Okay, so what kind of hospital is this then?
Nurse: Okay, so boom. Draymond Green got in trouble for punching his teammate, right? And NBA had made him do community service. So basically, he flew out a bunch of IG baddies, and put up in a building with some wheelchairs, he called it a hospital.
Doctor and Punkie: Thank you, Draymond.
Male voice: The New York Times calls it somehow empowering and regressive at the same time. And Variety says, I don’t feel comfortable reviewing this as a white guy. Five stars.
Chloe: I need to speak to Dr. Simmons. It’s an emergency.
Punkie: I ain’t talking to know Dr. Simmons right now because she fake.
Chloe: What? Can I just see a doctor please?
Punkie: I mean, you can see her. But I’m not going to get her. Nurse, where’s Janelle?[Nurse is taking pictures of her butt]
Nurse: Huh? I ain’t talking to her. She fake. She got a little white coat, she thinks she’s better than everybody.
Chloe: Okay. Can you just page her place?
Nurse: Imagine. Imagine me saying page in Dr. Simmons. Couldn’t be me.
Punkie: Couldn’t be me.
Male voice: All of the drama. None of the appropriate response because at the Hot Girl Hospital, help ain’t on the way.
Devon: Please help. My wife’s water broke.[Sarah screaming]
Punkie: Oh no. Hold up, hold up, hold up. Devon, is that you, Devon?
Doctor: Hold up. Hold up. Devon who be in our DMs every day?
Devon: Oh snap. What’s up?
Sarah: Do you know them?
Devon: No, baby. I’ve never seen them before in my life.
Nurse: You think you sleek? Coming in here with your white white? Talking about her water broke.
Doctor: Boy, get your lying ass on.
Nurse: Good luck to their baby. Her daddy went Aubert’s.
Male voice: And on a very special season finale.
Michael: Where’s my wife? Is she okay?
Punkie: Oh, she wasn’t okay, baby. She bad. Girl, come on out, girl.[Heidi walks out with make up on, long hair, wearing pink revealing dress.]
Heidi: It’s giving. Thank you.
Doctor: I’m proud, bitch.
Punkie: You better work it, bitch.
Male voice: Hot Girl Hospital, coming this hot girl fall.
Nurse, Doctor and Punkie: Thank you, Draymond.