Chen Biao… Bowen Yang
Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: This week, a judge blocked America’s ban on the Chinese owned app TikTok which the White House claims is a threat to national security. And here to comment is Chinese Trade Minister, Chen Biao[Chen Biao slides in] [cheers and applause]
Chen Biao: What’s poppin’ Michae Che? Trade daddy dropped the addie.
Michael Che: Well, it’s good to see you, Chen. So, you’re the one overseeing this TikTok deal?
Chen Biao: Yeah. No one else could do it but me coz I’m a savage, classy, boozy, loyal supplicant to the communist party.
Michael Che: Well, speaking of that, there’s concern the government of China could be stealing our data? Our user data with this TikTok app? What do you think it is?
Chen Biao: Okay. You’re worried that we’re stealing your identity? Honey, your phone unlocks with your face. Plus, America steals Chinese stuff everyday. Banning parts of the internet, arresting protestors, fireworks. It’s a hypocrisy for me, Che.
Michael Che: So, you’re not collecting our user data?
Chen Biao: I mean, we have it. But none of it is even that juicy. Like, “Oh, you googled ‘cousin greg shirtless’ Michael Che0 times last month.” You’re not quirky. You’re just horny, Savannah.
Michael Che: Who is Savannah?
Chen Biao: Some girl who said she is ‘doing the work’ on racism from her family’s house in Nantucket. Boat shoe wearing bitch!
Michael Che: Oh, well, the deal requires that TikTok be partially owned by an American company which is most likely gonna be Walmart.
Chen Biao: [sarcasm] Ooh. Walmart, brick and mortar, cool. How long did that brainstorm last? Look, if you said name an American company and I said “Walmart”, that would make me racist. But I guess cracker barrel didn’t want to play ball.
Michael Che: Alright. So, you seem pretty annoyed.
Chen Biao: I mean, yeah. I’m salty, Che. This has been a really hard time for China.
Michael Che: Because of the virus?
Chen Biao: No. Because live action Mulan was just okay. No songs, no mushu, no $30 from me, Disney Plus.
Michael Che: Well, does all this make you worried about the future of TikTok?
Chen Biao: Oh, no, babe. You cannot stop TikTok. We took videos and we made them shorter. We took babies and we made them cuter. We took lip syncs and we made them straight. So, you wanna stop China and get in the way of us? Well, I just checked my Fenty collab Rolex an you’re running out of time, so…[Cut to a TikTok video of Chen Biao. It’s a female dialog and Chen Biao is doing the lip sync.]
Female voice: Girl, don’t do it. It’s not worth it. I’m not going to do it, girl. I was just thinking about it. I’m not gonna do it.
Chen Biao: TikTok!
Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody.[Cut back to Chen Biao and Michael Che]
Chen Biao: I get it. I get it.