Weekend Update Chen Biao on the Coronavirus

Michael Che

Chen Biao… Bown Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, the World Health Organization officially declared the Corona virus a global emergency. Here to comment is newly appointed Chinese health minister, Chen Biao

[Chen Biao slides in]

Chen Biao: Oh-oh! Michael Che! What’s doing?

Michael Che: Hey, how you doing, Mr. Biao? So, last time you were here, you were China’s trade representative, but now you’re in charge of Corona virus stuff?

Chen Biao: Yeah. I just got the promotion. [Cut to Chen Biao] New gig. It pays more and it’s a lot sadder. And I guess I am China’s new crisis queen. I don’t know.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, what are you qualifications for this new job, anyway?

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: Okay. Well, I’ve been watching all those TLC medical shows. You know, um, Dr. Pimple Popper, I’m in love with my goiter, Little people big ass, it’s a good show.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] Well, 45 million people are quarantine in China right now. So, the situation seems pretty dire.

Chen Biao: Dire? Relax! China’s got this, okay? Middle kingdom unlock. Literally.

Michael Che: What do you say to allegations that the Chinese government is under reporting how many cases of the virus there are?

Chen Biao: [laughing] What? Under reporting? China? [Cut to Chen Biao] How would we even do that? With our state run media? I have nothing to hide, Che. I show my nipples on dating apps. I’m talking full area.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Well, it has been before. Like, when China down played the SARS outbreak in 2002.

Chen Biao: That was one time! And 2002 was a different world. Spiderman was Toby McGuire.

Michael Che: Okay, but China has placed several cities on lock down.

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: They sure have. Millions of people are on lock down now in China. But you can make it fun. Sort of, um, church lock in vibe? Right? Like, when they talk all day about abstinence but then it’s like, “Okay, now you’re gonna make us sleep in a big room together?” Good plan, youth pastor Ben.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] Who is Youth Pastor Ben?

Chen Biao: Oh, just some guy I hooked up with. [Cut to Chen Biao] And after eight months I was like, “Oh, I cannot fix you sweetie!”

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay, what do you think about Delta in American Airlines suspend their flights to China until April?

Chen Biao: Oh, no! I can’t fly American Airlines anymore? [Cut to Chen Biao] The only airline where if you ask for a Sprite, they say, “Is Sierra Mist okay?” Who will I pay to throw my luggage in the garbage?

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s a good point. Well, Chen, we know it’s a really difficult time in China right now. And we wish you all the best.

Chen Biao: Oh, well, thank you Che. [Cut to Chen Biao] And we are committed to preventing the further spread of this virus with patience, diligence and these exclusive Chen Biao Burberry surgical mask! [Chen Biao takes a mask with a checked print on it and wears it.] [Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Chen Biao everybody!

Chen Biao: Wash your hands. Our phones are covered in poop.

Weekend Update: Chen Biao on the US-China Trade Deal

Michael Che

Chen Biao.. Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: On Friday, president Trump confirmed that he reached in an initial trade deal with China which many hopes signifies the end of the trade war. Here to comment is a Chinese trade representative, Chen Biao.

[Chen Biao slides in]

Chen Biao: Ay! Ai-ao-sys. [cheers and applause]

Michael Che: I’m sorry. I don’t speak Mandarin.

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: Oh! Ai-ao-sys in English means, Ay yo, sis! Good to be back, Che!

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Thanks for being back. Now, some are saying this agreement benefits Trump more than China. How do you feel about that?

Chen Biao: Oh, please! Trade Daddy played Trump like mahjon. [Cut to Chen Biao] Pong! Tariff threat, Michael Che5%. He goes down to 7.5% and I’m all like, “Yeah, that’s good with me if that’s good with you, don, don!” Then I throw in $50 billion in farm goods so he can feel like the big man on congress. Toh!

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Mr. Biao, for those who don’t know, what is tariff?

Chen Biao: Okay, I’ll explain. [Cut to Chen Biao] A tariff is like a tax but a its little bit bitchy. And the retaliatory tariff is when China goes, “No rare earth minerals for you. You’ve been bad.”

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Are you at least happy that the trade war is potentially ending?

Chen Biao: Yeah. I’m so over the trade war. [Cut to Chen Biao] I don’t need that drama in my life. I’m seeing a new acupuncturist. I’m on a social media cleanse because of my government. And even Marie Kondo’d, she’s Japanese, you’re a racist. Look, I’m cutting out the negativity, okay? So, hey, Trump, are you China’s air quality? Because you’re toxic.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Well, it’s understanding, China would be frustrated.

Chen Biao: Oh, yeah. Well the trade war was getting so petty. [Cut to Chen Biao] The US’s panties were all in beef, because apparently we take your intellectual property, please. Nobody needs your idea for CBD lip gloss, Ainslie.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Who is Ainslie?

Chen Biao: Probably some “Shark Tank” reject whose Instagram bio says, “Mogel slash Activist.” Pick a lane.

Michael Che: Well, farmers have been really feeling the effects of the last Michael Che9 months of trade dispute.

Chen Biao: Michael Che9 months? Big whoop. [Cut to Chen Biao] I’ve had dry spells longer than that. Psyche! You know me. I got hoes in different province codes. My ass is dead, Michael! Sorry, dead ass!

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, is this trade war really over?

Chen Biao: No way. [Cut to Chen Biao] This deal is extremely preliminary. It’s like they announce a Pixar movie but it doesn’t drop until Chen Biao0Chen Biao4. So, Trump, are you in the right head space to receive information that could possibly hurt you? Because I’m clocking you and you can clock me and my Beijing Olympics, GUCCI swag.

Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody

Weekend Update Chen Biao on US-China Trade War

Chen Biao … Bowen Yang

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Next week China is set to visit the White House and discuss this ongoing trade war. Here to comment is Chinese trade representative, Chen Biao.

[Chen Biao slides in]

Chen Biao: [Speaking in Chinese language] [Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m sorry, Mr. Biao. Thanks for being here. But sorry, do you speak English?

Chen Biao: Yes, fluently. And that’s what’s called the power move. What’s up Che?

Michael Che: All right. So, as the Chinese trade representative, this must be a stressful time for you, right?

Chen Biao: I mean, [Cut to Chen Biao] you guys increased taxes on our imports, we increase taxes on yours. Meanwhile, I’m in the middle of it all and you know, I hate the attention. JK, I’m balling out right now because I’m the top tariff task master.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I got to say, this was not the attitude I was expecting from a top Chinese government official.

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: Yes, well I’m running tarrifs. So, this is my time. I’m having my moment. I’m basically the Lizzo of China right now. And turns out I’m 100% that trade daddy. Everyone is texting me on WeChat like, “Oh my god, I’ve loved you since the jump.” And I just leave them unread because booked on blood.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: All right, China can’t keep this going forever.

Chen Biao: Oh, yeah? You need us more than we need you because [Cut to Chen Biao] we can survive without your movie starring the rock. But good luck without iPhones. How can you text us in the middle of the night like, “You up? Can you investigate Joe Biden for me?” Stupid!

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Americans are afraid the trade war might cause a recession. I mean ,is there any fear like that in China?

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: No way, fam. In fact, we’ve just raised our tariff on American soy beans, so save some of your Tempeh for us, Mackenzie.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Who is Mackenzie?

Chen Biao: I don’t know. Probably some sophomore at Vassar who drinks out of a metal straw and it’s such a performance.

Michael Che: All right, US tariffs on China are going up 30%.

Chen Biao: 30%. Who cares? [Cut to Chen Biao] I get 30% when my waiter has beefy traps. Look, this trade war is tit for tat, baby. And in China we got some tiggle bitties. I’m talking back pay.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, are you planning on being in this mode at the White House next week?

Chen Biao: Oh, tots! And look, Don Don, [Cut to Chen Biao] you want to play ball with big red? We actually built our wall. And you can see that from space. We measure time in seasons but you measure it in seasons of ‘Gray Anatomy’. So, step through this, and I will step back in my limited edition lunar new year Air Jordans.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody.

Chen Biao: I actually liked Hobbs and Shaw a lot. I liked it.