Warehouse Fire

Chief… Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Cooper… Chris Redd

Daniels… Chadwick Boseman

[Starts with firefighters working at a burning scene.]

Chief: Alright. What’s the situation?

Beck: We can’t get it out of control, sir. Our initial attack did nothing.

Chief: Alright. Let’s get these lines recharged and ready to hit it again. Is everybody out?

Cecily: Yeah. We made a complete sweep of the building. There is no one else in there.

Chief: Alright. Well then, let’s put this thing out. Cooper, you’re on master street. The rest of you back on. Let’s go.

Cooper: You got it, chief.

Chief: Hey, wait, wait. Daniels, where are you going?

Daniels: Home. It’s six. I said I have to leave at six.

Chief: For god’s sake, Daniels, you can’t go home. There’s a fire.

Daniels: I squirted it before anybody else did. I squirted it. And now it’s six and I have to go.

[others are squirting the water.]

Beck: Chief, we need more water incoming from the top.

Chief: Daniels, get on that ladder and do you job.

Daniels: My job was to squirt it and I did. Now, I’m getting out of my fireman outfit and I’m going home. It’s six.

Cooper: What happens at six?

Daniels: I prepare for tonight.

Chief: What’s the night?

Daniels: I’m keeping it vague on purpose, okay? Okay? Is that okay? Just know that it is very important to me. It is dream that is coming real tonight.


Beck: The second floor just went down.

Chief: Ah! Come on, Daniels! Get in there.

Daniels: No, no, no. This is for me and I need this and I’m getting it. I will squirt twice as much water tomorrow on whatever you want.

Cecily: What is this thing you’re doing tonight? Just tell us.

Daniels: I said I don’t wanna say. But here’s a hint. It involves dogs and dolls.

Cooper: Wait. Dogs and dolls?

Daniels: Don’t worry about it. Just know that if everything goes great tonight, I won’t have to work here ever again.

Chief: Wait. Dogs and dolls are a money maker thing?

Daniels: Um, yeah. The investors told me I might be looking at billions of dollars by the end of June. My squirting days are numbered.

Beck: Hey, is it a line of gorgeous China baby dolls riding Lhasa Apsos?

Daniels: No. Maybe. Shut up. I’m getting out of here before you guess it.


Chief: Come on. Just put out the fire, Daniels.

Daniels: Oh, my god. I will squirt exactly one more time and then I have to go.

Chief: Alright.

[Daniels pulls out the firehose, squirts water for few seconds and throws it away.]

Daniels: Okay, I did it.

Chief: Daniels, finish the job!

Daniels: I won’t. I won’t do it. This is how important these life sized dolls mean to me.

Cooper: Okay, okay, the life sized. That’s a clue.

Chief: Stop trying to guess his thing and squirt out and put out the fire, dammit!

Beck: Oh! I know what it is. They are life sized sex dolls with dog faces so that you can have sex with a dog person for once.

Cecily: What? Is that what it is? Like, sexy dolls with a puppy dog face?

Beck: Not puppy dogs. Handsome adult dogs.

Daniels: Oh, my god! No. They are life sized dolls that are identical to you. So when you leave home, your dog doesn’t know it. And you can talk to them using the dolls mouth using the CB radio.

Cooper: A CB radio? Not like an app through your phone?

Daniels: I don’t know. This is why I wanted to leave at six so I could iron everything before the presentation. Stop squashing my dreams.

Chief: Daniels. They already make a thing like that. Look, I have one in my truck with my dog Freckles right now.

[Cut to a dalmation sitting beside a life sized doll. But it looks nothing like a Chief. It doesn’t even look like a real person.]

Hey, Freckles. How is everything going in the truck?

Daniels: Wow. Looks exactly like it. I guess my priorities have been all wrong. So, what was that thing you said? Sex dolls with dog faces? I’m gonna switch and go with that.

[Daniels walks away]

Beck: Hey, Daniels, you’re walking into the fire.

Chief: It’s alright. Let him go.

Cooper: Really?

Chief: Yeah. Let him go.

Dyke & Fats Save Christmas

Dyke… Kate McKinnon

Fats… Aidy Bryant

Chief… John Cena

[Starts with Detective TV show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching Detective TV. At nine PM, it’s ‘Keith: Black Detective’. But first, it’s a brand new holiday special with your favorite crime fighting duo.

[Cut to a video clip of Santa walking]

Narrator: What happens when Santa is kidnapped by one of Chicago’s most notorious gangs? Is Christmas canceled? Not with these two on the case. [Cut to two women officers running with guns in their hands.] They are hard as iron. They are rough as guts. And if you’ve been naughty, they won’t be nice.

[women officers catch lab guys throwing the Christmas garlands. It’s Dyke & Fats, Save Christmas. Starring Dutch Plain as officer Les Dykawitz. And Velvy O’Malley as officer Chubbina Fatzarelli. [Dyke finds a bomb. Fats takes it and eats it. The bomb blasts inside Fats’s stomach but nothing happens to her.] They are getting Santa back by any means necessary. Even if they have to kick every butt in town. It’s Dyke and Fats: Save Christmas.

[Dyke and Fats rescued the Santa] [Cut to the police station]

Chief: Yeah, you two did it again. Rescued Santa Clause, saved Christmas.

Fats: I guess we did a pretty good job, Dyke.

Dyke: Hey, I think you mean great job, Fats.

Chief: Yeah, she’s right. Thank you, officer Dykawitz and Farzarelli.

Fats: Oh, Chief, thanks for using our names.

Dyke: Yeah, that shows a lot of respect.

Chief: Of course I respect you. You’re two damn fine cops for Broads.

Fats: [yelling] Wait, what?

Dyke: [yelling] Back to the women thing?

Fats: We’re back to that?

Dyke: No, we’re past that.

Fats: [screaming] Now! Now! We’re past it!

[The End]


Blazer… Taran Killam

Wiz Khalifa

Kenan Thompson

Chief… Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Blazer intro]

Male voice: Blazer! He gets the job done. Cleaning up the streets, one thug at a time. The best.

[Cut to Blazer interrogating Wiz]

Blazer: You ready to talk?

Wiz: Talk about what?

[Blazer punches Wiz]

Male voice: Unstoppable! He’s not afraid to get his hands dirty.

[Blazer jumps into an apartment through the window where Kenan is sitting]

Kenan: No, not again, Blazer!

[Blazer punches Kenan]

Male voice: Justice has a new name.

[Blazer is punching everybody but he stops when it’s a white guy.] [Video paused on TV] [Cut to Blazer and Chief in a police office]

Chief: So, you see why I gotta fire you, right Blazer?

Blazer: Coz I only beat up black guys?

Chief: Yeah, coz you only beat up black guys.

Blazer: Coz my partner filmed everything with his bodycam?

Chief: Yeah.

Blazer: Also coz I edited it altogether and added music and put it up on YouTube?

Chief: Yeah, all that. yeah.

Blazer: Well, had a good run while it lasted, didn’t we chief?

Chief: [smiles] We sure did. We sure did.

[Blazer and Chief laughing and shaking hands] [Video pauses on TV] [Cut to Bobby and Chief in the office]

Bobby: So, you see why you can’t be police chief anymore?

Chief: Because I may have lied of race based police brutality?

Bobby: Yeah.

[Cut to Blazer running over the walls]

Male voice: Blazer!

[Blazer falls]