Aidy Bryant’s Childhood Journal

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Aidy Bryant in her house.]

Aidy: I recently found a bunch of my real old journals and they’re such a good window to our past. So, I figured let’s see what’s inside.

[Cut to Aidy’s Real Journals video bumper] [Cut to Aidy Bryant]

This first one is my actual real journal from second grade.  “I hope I licke my new school.” Sad face with tears. And that’s a classic dumb ass trying to emote word for herself but also unable to write or read.

Let’s see, what else here? Hah! Oh! Look at that. That looks like a turd flying above the ocean.

Oh, this is kind of the 90s iguana cover and there’s a “Glamour on the go” nail fire keychain that’s attached in case while I’m writing, I wanna look gorgeous. Which of course is always the case. Over the course of history, many journals have become sort of a great record of time and hardship. You know, what are these memoirs, what are these journals? They’re always a list of cool stuff. Things such as tamacatchis, kooshlings, TV, phones, shoping or shopping if you will. And so, there’s a focus on being a consumer. But there’s also Rosie O’Donell who got a special page noting her as “My role model” for the summer and at the bottom, I’ve made sure if there are any questions, I’m answering it with “Okay.”

At this point, I was nine years old and what are nine year olds in love with? Horses? No. Pop stars? No. The answer is turtles. Okay? And I love turtles so much. But not enough to learn how to spell the word. And so, I doubled hard on “Turtels.” “Turtels, turtels, turtels.” But at the bottom here, I’ve made an important note and it’s coming from a speech bubble from noone. “But I won’t eat them!” So, don’t think I was gonna eat my turtles, guys.

I still write often and you know, pretty much from 14 to 28, these are all just about how horny and sad I am. When are we gonna be able to get the hell out of our houses? I can’t keep looking back at the past and I have nothing inside of here that is the future. I don’t know what to say anymore. Help. Help.

I’m doing fine and I hope to see you real soon.