Adam Driver’s Chill Monologue

Adam Driver

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Driver.

[Adam Driver walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Adam Driver: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’m so happy to be hosting the first show of 2020.

[cheers and applause]

I have to say, I’m a little sad to say goodbye to 2019 because I’ve acted so much and so hard in all of these movies all year. Seriously, I was yelling, I was crying, I punched, I sang, all four emotions. And people assume I’m just like the characters I play. Really serious, private intimidating guy, Adam from Girls, or Kylo Ren from Space One. I’m not an intense guy. I’m actually very chill. So tonight, I’m just going to be myself, open up a bit and be chill. Can we get some chill music?

[music playing]

No, no, no, can you play something else.

[music changes]

okay, I like that one less. Can you go back to the first one?

[music changes back to the first one]

Okay, that’s good. You can hear that’s better, right? Okay. Good. Anyways, I’m very chill. And I’m just going to prove it. I’m just going to take my time up here, be myself and enjoy this moment.

[Adam Driver just looks around the hall with his hands in his pockets.]

Oh, that’s cool. That’s like a subway. Is that supposed to be grand central? Grand central subway? I can’t take the train, I get mobbed. That’s really neat. I never noticed that before.

[Adam Driver walks around the stage]

Okay, now, I’m grooving on this music. I’m sorry I just didn’t trust you guys yet.

Okay, some facts about me. I’m a husband, and a father. It’s in that order though. I’ve been very clear with my son about that. He’s second in everything. I live in Brooklyn. I can’t afford Manhattan, spent all my money. People think I hate red carpet stuff, and I do. But it’s just cause I’m bad at smiling. I look like a kidnapped person trying to send a message with his eyes. Look.

[zooming into Adam Driver’s face]

See? What else. [Adam Driver sits on the stage] Oh yeah, I saw “Little Women.” Spoiler, there’s not a little women, there’s a lot of women. I’m doing dry January, that means you just don’t take a bath. It’s not very hard. You know, other things, I’m very approachable. I’ll just approach an audience member.

[Adam Driver walks to the audience]

Here, move.

[Adam Driver makes one audience move away and he sits on her chair]

Hi. [talking to a guy next to him] Hey, man. Hey, man. You look like a Star Wars fan, no offense. Here. Here’s a sign right here, Kylo Ren action figure, choking hazards, small parts not for small children under three. There you go. That’s priceless. If I find that on ebay, I’ll kill you. Alright, thanks for being a fan.

[Adam Driver walks up to the stage.]

What else? I’m just trying to drag this out, because honestly there’s a sketch at the end of the show that I really don’t like. So I’m hoping if this goes long, it will just get cut. I play a woman in it, and I can’t tell if it’s transphobic or just really dated. Oh, here’s something. I was a marine before I was an actor. And acting is a lot like being a marine. You do one mission the way they planned, and then the sergeant says, “Now, just do one for fun and then make it your own.” What else about me? I know! I’m in a movie with Scarlett Johansson. I basically kissed Colin Jost, if you think about it. Alright, they’re totally screwed now. We got a great show for you tonight. Halsey is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.