Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]
Michael Che: It was reported that last year the population of China declined by 850,000 people. Thanks to an increase in China’s leading cause of death, protesting. China plans to reverse the population decline with an emergency import of Nick Cannon. It’s a good news. There’s a happy ending, Colin.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “School lights left on for year and a half”.]
Colin Jost: Nice happy ending to that. Due to a computer error, a school in Massachusetts has been unable to turn off its lights for over a year and a half. The students are doing fine but the classroom hamster has gone insane.
The US Department of the Interior has changed the name of Squaw Valley, California because it is considered a derogatory term for Native American women. Okay, I don’t understand how that name gets changed. And yet no one cares there’s an entire town in New York that mocks my people. [The place in New York is “White Plains”.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of San Francisco city.]
Michael Che: A San Francisco panel studying reparations is proposing giving every black resident a one time payment of $5 million. “Well, that’s a fantastic idea” said the Gucci store.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kevin Spacey.]
Colin Jost: Hold for applause. Kevin Spacey made his first public speaking appearance in five years where he thanked Italy’s National Cinema museum for having the balls to invite him, “He also asked could I touch the ball?” I’m kidding, he didn’t ask permission.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “118 year old nun dies”.]
Michael Che: Catholic nun in France, who was believed to be the oldest person in the world has died at the age of 118. Her cause of death was listed as “answered prayer.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Andy Murray.]
Colin Jost: Tennis star Andy Murray was upset after an umpire the Australian Open refused to let him take a bathroom break during a five set long match. Worse, it was deuce.