Weekend Update: China’s Population Decline, Andy Murray Denied Bathroom Break

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: It was reported that last year the population of China declined by 850,000 people. Thanks to an increase in China’s leading cause of death, protesting. China plans to reverse the population decline with an emergency import of Nick Cannon. It’s a good news. There’s a happy ending, Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “School lights left on for year and a half”.]

Colin Jost: Nice happy ending to that. Due to a computer error, a school in Massachusetts has been unable to turn off its lights for over a year and a half. The students are doing fine but the classroom hamster has gone insane.

The US Department of the Interior has changed the name of Squaw Valley, California because it is considered a derogatory term for Native American women. Okay, I don’t understand how that name gets changed. And yet no one cares there’s an entire town in New York that mocks my people. [The place in New York is “White Plains”.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of San Francisco city.]

Michael Che: A San Francisco panel studying reparations is proposing giving every black resident a one time payment of $5 million. “Well, that’s a fantastic idea” said the Gucci store.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kevin Spacey.]

Colin Jost: Hold for applause. Kevin Spacey made his first public speaking appearance in five years where he thanked Italy’s National Cinema museum for having the balls to invite him, “He also asked could I touch the ball?” I’m kidding, he didn’t ask permission.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “118 year old nun dies”.]

Michael Che: Catholic nun in France, who was believed to be the oldest person in the world has died at the age of 118. Her cause of death was listed as “answered prayer.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Andy Murray.]

Colin Jost: Tennis star Andy Murray was upset after an umpire the Australian Open refused to let him take a bathroom break during a five set long match. Worse, it was deuce.

Weekend Update: Chen Biao on the US-China Trade Deal

Michael Che

Chen Biao.. Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: On Friday, president Trump confirmed that he reached in an initial trade deal with China which many hopes signifies the end of the trade war. Here to comment is a Chinese trade representative, Chen Biao.

[Chen Biao slides in]

Chen Biao: Ay! Ai-ao-sys. [cheers and applause]

Michael Che: I’m sorry. I don’t speak Mandarin.

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: Oh! Ai-ao-sys in English means, Ay yo, sis! Good to be back, Che!

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Thanks for being back. Now, some are saying this agreement benefits Trump more than China. How do you feel about that?

Chen Biao: Oh, please! Trade Daddy played Trump like mahjon. [Cut to Chen Biao] Pong! Tariff threat, Michael Che5%. He goes down to 7.5% and I’m all like, “Yeah, that’s good with me if that’s good with you, don, don!” Then I throw in $50 billion in farm goods so he can feel like the big man on congress. Toh!

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Mr. Biao, for those who don’t know, what is tariff?

Chen Biao: Okay, I’ll explain. [Cut to Chen Biao] A tariff is like a tax but a its little bit bitchy. And the retaliatory tariff is when China goes, “No rare earth minerals for you. You’ve been bad.”

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Are you at least happy that the trade war is potentially ending?

Chen Biao: Yeah. I’m so over the trade war. [Cut to Chen Biao] I don’t need that drama in my life. I’m seeing a new acupuncturist. I’m on a social media cleanse because of my government. And even Marie Kondo’d, she’s Japanese, you’re a racist. Look, I’m cutting out the negativity, okay? So, hey, Trump, are you China’s air quality? Because you’re toxic.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Well, it’s understanding, China would be frustrated.

Chen Biao: Oh, yeah. Well the trade war was getting so petty. [Cut to Chen Biao] The US’s panties were all in beef, because apparently we take your intellectual property, please. Nobody needs your idea for CBD lip gloss, Ainslie.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Who is Ainslie?

Chen Biao: Probably some “Shark Tank” reject whose Instagram bio says, “Mogel slash Activist.” Pick a lane.

Michael Che: Well, farmers have been really feeling the effects of the last Michael Che9 months of trade dispute.

Chen Biao: Michael Che9 months? Big whoop. [Cut to Chen Biao] I’ve had dry spells longer than that. Psyche! You know me. I got hoes in different province codes. My ass is dead, Michael! Sorry, dead ass!

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, is this trade war really over?

Chen Biao: No way. [Cut to Chen Biao] This deal is extremely preliminary. It’s like they announce a Pixar movie but it doesn’t drop until Chen Biao0Chen Biao4. So, Trump, are you in the right head space to receive information that could possibly hurt you? Because I’m clocking you and you can clock me and my Beijing Olympics, GUCCI swag.

Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody