Inventing Chloe

[Starts with Chloe watching TV show Inventing Anna in her office]

Chloe: Anna Delvey gets whatever she wants.

TV: Your money is coming. Why couldn’t you just listen?

[Andrew Dismukes walks by]

Chloe: Hey, Andrew. Where’d you get that sandwich?

Andrew: Oh, they’re just not in the writers room.

Chloe: Oh, great. I’m starving.

Andrew: This was actually the last one.

Chloe: Oh, okay. [Chloe looks at Anna Delvey for few seconds] Andrew, wait. [changes her voice like Anna Delvery] That’s actually my sandwich.

Andrew: What? And what is the voice?

Chloe: My sandwiches in your mouth? Gives me my sandwich.

Andrew: Okay, yeah. Sorry. I didn’t know.

[Chloe is happy with what happened] [Tomorrow, Chloe walks in office wearing fancy clothes. Her colleagues are eating]

Chloe: This food is basic. Chips are broke ass. We need something more exclusive, more VIP. Like, Nobu. Run it on my car.

[throws a card]

Staff: This is a MetroCard.

Chloe: Run it again.

[walks into Kyle’s room]

Hey, little boy. Lorne says that’s my couch now

Kyle: Lorne said that? Because I brought this from my home.

Chloe: I’ll show you his text is on the way. He’s in the Hamptons right now. Reception is very bad. Very VIP.

Kyle: That does sound like Lorne.

[James Austin Johnson is practicing his Joe Biden impression]

James: Fello Americans–

Chloe: Lorne says I’ll do Biden now.

James: He didn’t say anything to me.

Chloe: Text is on the way. Give me the teeth.

[James spits the artificial teeth on Chloe’s palm] [Chloe walks to Michael Che]

Chloe: Lorne says I’ll host Update now.

Michael: Alright. Bet.

[Michael leaves with his suitcase] [Chloe has ordered all fancy food for the staff]

Staff: I still didn’t get a card.

Chloe: You’re being so dramatic. The wire transfer is on the way cool oysters.

[Oscar Isaac walks in]

Oscar: Ooh, cool. Oysters.

Chloe: What are you wearing? You look ha!

Oscar: I look what now?

Chloe: Pa!

Oscar: Pa?

Chloe: Perr!

Oscar: Pah?

Chloe: Purr!

Oscar: Pe?

Chloe: Pruu!

Oscar: Pur?

Chloe: Haw!

Oscar: Poor?

Chloe: Poor, yes.

Oscar: I look poor. Oh!

Chloe: I loved you in Dune, by the way.

Oscar: Thanks.

Chloe: Say hi to Tiffany Chalamet.

[walking down the hall]

From now all my customers are Scalia, Karolina, Harara, and [gibberish]

Staff: [asking about the payment for the food] Hey, Chloe, any update on that wire transfer? I’m in really deep.

Chloe: [yelling] I do not have time for this. I do not have time for you. I’m a masterpiece, bitches. I can pay. I can pay. [Chloe gets dizzy and falls] Y’all keep challenging me. I can pay. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Kate: Chloe. [Kate picks Chloe up] Here you go. I can’t help but notice, you’ve been Delveying everyone today.

Chloe: I can pay.

Kate: You don’t have to do this. The hair, the glasses. The Russian accent, it’s also German. You don’t need that. You just got to be confident. The real Delvey is inside of you. It has been all along.

Chloe: You’re right. I’m sorry.

Kate: It’s okay. I’m just glad I stopped this before anyone got hurt and there were any real consequences.

[the staff asking for food payment is being arrested]

Chloe: Well, I guess I won’t be needing these anymore. [pulling off the glasses] Bye Kate.

Kate: Bye. [Chloe walks away] There can only be one Delvey around here. [puts on her glasses and changes her voice] Very VIP.

Tidal Music Streaming

Kenan Thompson

Tyler… Bobby Moynihan

Nicholson… Jay Pharoah

Riley… Sasheer Zamata

Chloe… Ariana Grande

[Starts with Tidal Streaming Music Headquarters]

Kenan: Alright. It’s time for the three PM tidal system’s check. Drake’s stream.

Tyler: Running smooth sir.

Kenan: Coldplay

Nicholson: No lag time, full bit-rate sir.

Kenan: Billy Joel

Riley: No fire started over here, sir.

Kenan: Swinging to miss, Danielson.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Here’s your coffee, sir.

Kenan: Oh, thank you, Chloe. Well, it looks like it’s another incident free day here at Tidal Music Streaming.

[The lights go off]

What the hell was that?

Tyler: Looks like the power’s out, sir.

Riley: Backup generators, up and running.

Kenan: Alright, let’s do systems check. One Direction?

Tyler: All good, sir.

Kenan: Kendrick Lamar?

Nicholson: Coming throughout and clear.

Kenan: Britney Spears?

Riley: Looks like we’re gonna lose Britney Spears stream in thirty seconds.

Kenan: We already beefed the Kanye and Rihanna album releases! Tyler, we cannot afford another glitch. What do we do?

Tyler: Sir, I heard Chloe the intern singing some Britney Spears in the hallway. Is that true, Chloe? Can you sing like Britney Spears?

[Chloe looking nervous]

Chloe: Kind of.

Kenan: Riley, open the channel. Chloe, the future of Tidal is in your hands.

Chloe: But I’m shy.

Kenan: Well, try, dammit! People need their Britney Spears.

[music playing]

Chloe: [singing] Oh baby, baby, how was I supposed to know
That something wasn’t right here?
Oh baby, baby, I shouldn’t have let you go
And now you’re out of sight, yeah
[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. Britney Spears is up and running.

Kenan: That was close. Well done, Chloe.

Tyler: Oh, no sir. We are about to lose the Shakira stream.

Nicholson: Perfect! Chloe’s Hispanic.

Chloe: That’s a common mistake. I’m actually just very, very Italian.

Kenan: Well, can you do Shakira?

Chloe: I can try.

[music playing] [singing] Lo-le-lo-le-lo-le
Lo-le-lo-le-lo-le
Can’t you see
I’m at your feet
Whenever, wherever
We’re meant to be together
I’ll be there and you’ll be near
And that’s the deal my dear

[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. Shakira is online and streaming.

Kenan: Job well done. Job well done. You need some water?

Nicholson: Old time, sir. Ariana Grande channel is down.

Kenan: Chloe. Can you do Ariana Grande?

Chloe: Nay, sorry, not a big fan.

Tyler: Oh, forget it sir. Because we just lost a big one. Rihanna’s down.

Kenan: Chloe, please, Tidal needs Rihanna.

[music playing] [singing] Work, work, work, work, work, work
He said me haffi
Work, work, work, work, work, work
He see me do mi
Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt
So me put in
Work, work, work, work, work, work

[beep beep]

Tyler: Back on. The Rihanna stream is re-buffered and good to go.

Kenan: Was that okay? I truly don’t know what she’s saying.

Kenan: Ay, nobody does.

Riley: I got bad news, boss. The 90s Diva’s playlist is glitching.

Kenan: Can you handle it Chloe? I mean that’s a lot of women.

Chloe: There’s only one way to find out.

Riley: We just lost Celine Dion

[music playing] Kenan: [singing] There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed if I just listened to it
Right outside the window

[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. Celine Dion is at onehundre%. But now we’re losing Whitney Houston.

Kenan: Oh, come on. Take a song.

[music playing]

Chloe: [singing] And I wish you joy
And happiness
But above all this
I wish you love
And I…
Will always love you
I…
Will always love you
[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. The power’s fully restored.

Tyler: All streams are up and running.

Kenan: Ah! You did it Chloe. Jay Z would be proud.

Nicholson: Yeah! You bet I am. [Nicholson wears his hat] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kenan: Nicholson, you was Jay-Z this whole time?

Nicholson: Ts-yeah. You know, I wanted to see how my company was doing out of that boss style, you know? Yo Chloe, you single handedly just saved Tidal. You said you were just an intern?

Chloe: Yes.

Nicholson: Yeah, that’s great. Can you get me a vince cappuccino?

Tyler: Yeah, I’ll take a Grande.

[everybody starts demanding coffee so Chloe runs away]