Molly Coram… Chloe
Stephen A. Smith… Chris Redd
Kendrick Perkins…. Kenan Thompson
Michael Rapaport… Natasha Lyonne
[Starts with four people on First Take set]
Molly: Welcome to first take ESPN home for the hottest sports takes. I’m Molly Coram here with the outspoken Stephen A. Smith
Stephen: Molly, I mean this from the bottom of my heart, this right here, this is a good morning.
Molly: And former Boston Celtics big man, Kendrick Perkins.
Kendrick: Steve a day, I’m sorry brother but you wrong on this one. This is actually a great morning, okay? Historically, it goes this morning right here, and then the morning when Jesus came back, and then where we at right here is three. All right, let’s carry the hell on.
Molly: Glad we got that sorted. And also joining us is New York super fan and occasional guest, the always outspoken Michael Rapaport.
Michael: Yo, yo, yo, what up, my leagues? I make this quick because I got a long day ahead of me walking around my neighborhood, waving my arms like a frickin idiot and yelling in my phone. But listen, you guys are wrong, okay? God, you’re so frickin wrong, alright? Because it’s a frickin spectacular day. Don’t rangers are in the playoffs. The Yankees are in first place. And the Jets are undefeated because the season hasn’t started.
Kendrick: Oh, there’s a diss. You’re dissing now.
Molly: Guys, let’s remember, it’s 10 AM. Our audience of unemployed dads is just waking up. Okay? Four teams are left in the NBA playoffs and everyone is talking about Dallas vs. Golden State Luca Doncic. vs. Steph Curry. So who you got Doncic or Curry?
Stephen: Molly. I’ve thought about this question very deeply. I’ve consulted with my family, my friends and my doctor. And today, I must declare that I got Steph Curry because he’s the greatest shooter of all time. And he can, and Molly, I’ve personally seen him do this, shoot a ball from San Francisco into the first class seat on an airplane, and stay with me, six hours later the ball switches into a basket at Madison Square Garden.
Kendrick: Stephen, with all due respect, Steph Curry is the worst player to ever play the game of basketball. I made sure he scored 30 last game but my man Luca got a 40 piece, and then he pulled down eight biscuits and threw in some extra sauces. Okay, your man Steph is too short. The boy needs a ladder to comb his own hair.
Molly: Michael, you’re the tiebreaker. Steph or Luca?
Michael: Yo man. I’m not even watching the playoffs.
Molly: I thought you were a huge fan of basketball.
Michael: Yo, you’re freaking wrong about that. Look, I’m a fan of Knicks. And it’s not basketball. It is players playing in layups off the bottom of the frickin rim. It’s fans catching foul basketballs. It’s leaving the game 20 minutes early and twice as frickin angry. That’s the real NBA you frickin worms.
Kendrick: Come on. That ain’t real NBA.
Molly: Guys, guys, please calm down. We just got a noise complaint from the church across the street. Alright, let’s get back on track. Dallas is number two in the league scoring defense which brings us to our next big sports question, is a hot dog a sandwich?
Stephen: Molly, this is the toughest decision I’ve ever had to make and my grandmother spent four months on a ventilator. That’s why we don’t attend city listening tour in Wienermobile. And today I can say without a doubt that a hot dog is a sandwich for that one forever, Amen.
Kendrick: No, no no. Steven A, somebody that go oops upside your head. A hot dog is a sandwich in the same way cereal is a soup.
Stephen: Oh, cereal is a soup. Cereal is a soup.
Kendrick: It’s not even close. Come on, now. Soup is only a soup because you got to cook it.
Michael: Oh, is that right? Oh, you got to cook soup, huh? Well, I got one boy that’s gonna knock the beard right off your frickin smug face. Because Gazpacho, oh! Oh, I guess somebody forgot the friggin cuisine of Spain, and that’s sports.
Kendrick: Hold on. Gazpacho ain’t no soup. That’s just a salsa that went to finish school. Let’s go.
Molly: Okay, guys, let’s take a break so our airport bar viewers can order another morning beer. When we come back, we’ll ask the sports question on everybody’s mind, does Bigfoot exist?
Kendrick: Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. That stinky little freak walked into my house one time, and then I shave him down. And we went to the club.
Stephen: Oh come on.
Michael: Ay, invite me next time, alright?