Cinderella’s Slipper

Reginald … Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Dracilla… Cecily Strong

Cinderella… Chloe Fineman

Mother… Kate McKinnon

Prince… Nick Jonas

Mouse… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the conclusion of Cinderella on Disney+ which doesn’t have commercial, so I guess you just paused it.

[Cut to the show.]

Reginald: Attention, all maidens of this dwelling. Prince charming wishes to have a word.

Melissa and Dracilla: Ooh, prince charming.

Cinderella: I wonder what he wants.

Mother: Cinderella, go to your room at once. This doesn’t concern you. You’re poor.

Dracilla: Yeah. The prince is here to see us. The evil homely step sisters.

Melissa: Men don’t want a nice, pretty blonde girl. They want loud, mean freaks.

Dracilla: Cinderella doesn’t even have a unibrow.

Cinderella: Oh, that’s okay. I’ll just go talk to the birds. They’re my real friends.

Dracilla: Uh- psycho.

[Prince walks in]

Prince: No, wait. This concerns every maiden in the kingdom. You see, I’ve fallen in love. But with whom, I do not know. Perhaps she’s here now.

Cinderella: Perhaps she is.

Mother: It couldn’t be Cinderella. That’s for sure. We keep her locked in the attic.

Reginald: Okay, well, that’s a crime. When the prince comes to visit, people usually say “Hello, my lord.” Not “We got a girl in the attic”.

Mother: But even her name is gross. Cinderella. Bleh. Wouldn’t you prefer my daughter Drusella?

[Dracilla bows, but then farts]

Prince: There’s only one way to find out how my mystery love is. You see– Oh my, the smell is really just hitting me now.

Reginald: Yes. What is that?

Dracilla: Sorry. I only eat berries and raw deer meat.

Prince: You see, I spent one magical evening with this mystery woman. And she vanished at midnight. And all that was left was this. [Reginald gives Prince a glass shoe on a pillow. The shoe is too tiny.] A glass slipper.

Mother: Hah?

Prince: What?

Mother: Nothing. It looks small.

Prince: What do you mean?

Melissa: The shoe, it’s small.

Prince: I think it’s a pretty standard women’s shoe.

Dracilla: You serious? It’s like a Monopoly token.

Prince: Huh, yeah. I guess my perspective was off because it’s sitting on a pillow. You think it’s like, a child’s shoe?

Dracilla: No. But I don’t love how casually you asked that.

Mother: It’s way too small for a child. Maybe even too small for doll. You really didn’t clock the shoe as weird at all?

Prince: But it’s glass. I thought that was weird. Reginald, is this shoe odd to you?

Reginald: I mean, I didn’t think it was my place to come in, but that shoe tiny as hell. I’m a foot man in more ways than one, but even for me, that’s a freaky little shoe.

Cinderella: Well, my feet are pretty small. They didn’t feed me enough to go through puberty.

Reginald: Yeah. But I don’t think you could even get one of your toes in this thing.

Prince: So then, who has a foot this small?

[a mouse appears]

Mouse: I does.

Prince: I’m sorry?

Mouse: I does!

Prince: The shoe is yours?

Mouse: Oh, it definitely does.

Cinderella: Oh, hurray, mouse Selina. This is wonderful news. You found your prince charming.

Mouse: Yup, I guess I does.

Mother: Dude, you banged a mouse?

Prince: What? No. We didn’t bang. I mean, we didn’t do anything. And she wasn’t a mouse. She was a human woman.

Mouse: Um, no. It was mouse. And mouse went all the way. Yeah, he dunked me in a glass of champaign and I was ready to rock.

Prince: No. No. I remember it was a woman and she ran away and her carriage turned into a pumpkin.

Mouse: Dude, I don’t know what drugs you’re on but it definitely didn’t affect your performance at all. I mean, you’d think this prince was a construction worker the way he was jack hammering.

Prince: Reginald, did I really? With a mouse? Why didn’t you stop me?

Reginald: Ay, I don’t judge. Love is love is love. You don’t think Jafar ever sprinkled some bird seed down there and let Iago go to town?

Prince: What?

Reginald: I don’t know, man. This is the stuff I’ve been thinking about.

Mouse: Oh, relax, prince. I’m totally cool. I’ll have the baby, no problemo. [showing her pregnant stomach]

Prince: Oh my god!

Mouse: It’s okay. It’s probably more like, 12 babies, but don’t worry. I’ll eat a couple of them.

Dracilla: Wait, that means those rat babies will be princes someday.

Melissa: And if we marry them, we’ll be princesses.

Dracilla: Yeah, everything’s coming up Drucilla. [farts again]

Mouse: [singing] Salacan-doo-la
Michigan-boo-la
bibidy-babidy-boo
The prince found out he boned the mouse
when he found my tiny shoe

Mr Chicken Legs Pageant

Denise Poots… Cecily Strong

Troy Duggins… Regé-Jean Page

Minnie Marko… Chloe Fineman

Chris-Michael Donahue… Mikey Day

Shawn Cruck… Andrew Dismukes

Todd Dodley… Pete Davidson

Judge… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with the show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Mr. Chicken Legspageant. Live from the Grand Ball Room at the Cecil hotel. I know, very bad choice of venue because of bad Netflix show but we booked it so long ago.

[Cut to the show]

Denise Poots: [singing] The legs are skinny, thin and mini
only one will be Mr. Chicken legs
the adult males, the legs are rails
only one can be Mr. Chicken legs

Mr. Chicken legs
who will be Mr. Chicken Legs

[cheers and applause] [Troy Duggins and Minnie Marko walk in]

Troy Duggins: Alright. Welcome back to the 2021, Mr. Chicken Legs pageant. Crowning the grown man with the skinniest legs in America. How about that Denise Poots, really putting her all into our theme music tonight.

Denise Poots: Yes, sir. Hollywood chewed me up and spit me out 18 years ago. Tonight is my chance to say, “Hey, this old piece of gum still got some flavors. So, pop me back in your mouth.”

Troy Duggins: Oh. The producers are holding up a big sign with arrow pointing at you that says, “Don’t engage.” To those who are joining us, I’m your host Troy Duggins joined by funny woman, Minnie Marko. What a night it’s been so far, Minnie?

Minnie Marko: Yeah.

Troy Duggins: [sigh] Well, the judges have narrowed the field to just three finalists and with the talent portion remaining, the stakes couldn’t be higher.

Minnie Marko: Agree.

Troy Duggins: That’s it. Nothing to add?

[Minnie Marko shakes her head no]

Didn’t think so. Alright. All good. Ha-ha. Up first, it’s a magic active, Chris-Michael Donahue with “Legs of deception”.

Chris-Michael Donahue: Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to be amazed. Before you stands a grown man, yet with a mere twirl of my cape and tilt of the camera, I become [drum roll] an eighth grade girl. [Camera slides down only to his legs. He’s wearing a skirt and girly shoes] As you can see, I can be flirty, or shy.

Troy Duggins: Wow. As I said many times tonight, that was deeply stupid, yet strangely compelling. Chris-Michael Donahue, everyone! Well, Minnie, I bet you have some thoughts on the competition so far.

Minnie Marko: Totally.

Troy Duggins: Well, do feel free to jump in and share them. Anything to help me fill the time up here, alright? Up next, we have Shawn Cruck, “Lamemt of the calf-less”.

Shawn Cruck: When a human stands on their tiptoes, the calf muscle naturally flexes. Yet, when I do it, there is no physical change in my leg shape. Don’t believe me? Just watch.

[camera slides down to his legs. He stands on his toes and shows his calves.]

Troy Duggins: Once again, deeply stupid and yet I can’t look away. Shawn Cruck, folks. Minnie, I’d hate to ask, anything you want to add before we bring out our third finalist?

Minnie Marko: No. It’s just like, this is fun.

Troy Duggins: Guys, this gal’s a dud. She’s sweet but she’s giving me literally nothing. Okay. Alright. Time for our last finalist, it’s Todd Dodley performing his talent, having long skinny ass legs like Jack Skellington.

[cut to Todd Dodley dancing in front of a painting showing his thin legs]

That will haunt me. So, Todd, when did you first realized you had skinny legs?

Todd Dodley: Well, as a kid, people would always say I had the same legs as that skinny prostitute from the old Popeye cartoons, Olive Oyl.

Troy Duggins: Pretty sure Olive Oyl was Popeye’s girlfriend, not a prostitute. But either way, well done, Todd.

Denise Poots: [singing] Three finalists for Mr. Chicken Legs
Mr. Chicken Legs!

Troy Duggins: Well folks, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Head judge Angela Howl will crown our winner.

[The judge walks in and starts feeling the finalists’ legs]

Judge: Your new Mr. Chicken Legs is Todd Dodley. And your prize, the smallest little kiss.

[The judge pecks on Todd Dodley’s cheeks]

Troy Duggins: Well, don’t go anywhere. Ours more to come after the break.

Denise Poots: [singing] He is Mr. Chicken Legs. God, I love those chicken legs.

Bridgerton Intimacy Coordinator

Phoebe… Chloe Fineman

Regé-Jean Page

Director… Kate McKinnon

Richie… Mikey Day

Randy… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Bridgerton intro] [Cut to a scene of Phoebe and Regé-Jean]

Phoebe: It is you that I want, your grace. You and only you.

Regé-Jean: I burn for you, Daphne.

Director: And cut. Oh my gosh, guys. Amazing. Such passion that was great. Now, this next thing involves nudity and simulated intercourse. So, we’re going to clear the set. And Regé, Phoebe, we’ll have a brief rehearsal with the intimacy coordinator to make sure you both comfortable with the scene.

Regé-Jean: Oh, excellent. Is Paula back? She’s fantastic.

Phoebe: Yes, I feel very, very safe with her.

Director: Unfortunately, Paula had a covid exposure at her fund raiser for covid relief, but Netflix has provided backup. So, um, guys?

[Richie and Randy walk in]

Richie: Hey, how you doing? I’m Richie, the Intimacy Coordinator. This is my nephew, Randy, assistant IC.

Randy: Hey, how you doing?

Phoebe: Nice to meet you.

Regé-Jean: I think I saw you guys by the bagel table earlier. I thought you were lighting guys.

Richie: Oh yeah, close. Um, we work as special effects for years.

Randy: Yeah. Explosions, wind, gross-out stuff.

Richie: Yeah. But not a lot of people getting puked on on movies coz of covid. So, we took a Zoom and got certified to do all the sex scene stuff.

Director: That’s great. You seem very qualified. Now, any questions about script?

Randy: Ah, didn’t read it. Seemed like a girl show to me.

Richie: Yeah, but we get the jest. You two are brother and sister. You’re banging each other. Good stuff.

Phoebe: What? No. That’s disgusting. We play husband and wife.

Regé-Jean: Why would you think we’re playing brother and sister?

Richie: I don’t know. It’s Netflix. They got some dark stuff on there, you know what I mean? Now, Netflix requires modesty garments. We made available. We got a bunch of beave sleeves and dong bags here for you.

Regé-Jean: Are those clean?

Richie: Yeah. I mean–

[Randy smells them]

Randy: Yeah, yeah.

Richie: Yeah. And for the lady, we got these pasties which we invented, our design.

Phoebe: Why are they green?

Randy: Oh. So they can green screen in someone else’s nips.

Phoebe: Oh, thoughtful, but no thank you.

Director: Are you sure? Because there’s actually something to this. We could green screen in a guy’s nipples and then we could play this on any network.

Regé-Jean: Deidre, no! Look, not my nipples, no one’s nipples. No. Maybe we can just walk through the scene and you’ll see what we rehearsed.

Richie: Yeah, great. We’ll just observe, make sure everything’s kosher.

Director: Sounds good. Okay. Thank you.

[Phoebe and Regé-Jean get on bed]

Regé-Jean: So, Phoebe and I thought that if I shift my body this way, then I would cover her a bit more.

Richie: Yeah. Well, actually, you guys wanna tap out for a second? This might be better actually. [Phoebe and Regé-Jean get out of bed] Thank you. Now, Daphne, if you’re comfortable with it, [lying on bd] you’re like this, “Oh”. You know? You could just pop on to all force like this. [posing like porn’s doggy style]

Randy: And Bridgetown, you get behind like this. [posing like he’s having sex with Richie from the behind] Right? One knee down and one foot up. You know what I’m saying?

Richie: Yeah. And if you’re looking for a laugh, Daphne, you can say, “Shh, don’t let mom and dad hear.”

Regé-Jean: Right, we’re not brother and sister.

Richie: Right, right, okay. Here we go. Take it or leave it, okay? You go like this, Daphne. “Oops, wrong hole, dumb ass.”

Regé-Jean: Absolutely not.

Randy: Then he goes, “Oops, sorry”, but then you wink at the camera like, “It wasn’t an accident.”

Richie: Yeah. I mean like, that’s just fun.

Regé-Jean: Deidre, can you help us here? Please.

Director: Um, yeah. Daphne, she wouldn’t say, “Dumb ass”. She would say, “Wrong hole, your grace.” So…

Regé-Jean: No, no. Let’s not try that.

Phoebe: I mean, we might as well shoot to as like an option.

Regé-Jean: Phoebe, no. Deidre, I think we’ll be okay without these Intimacy Coordinators. We know each other’s boundaries. We’ll just do what we rehearsed.

Richie: Okay, great. Well, have a great sex scene. Have fun. We’ll be here. Excellent.

Director: Great. Well, if you two feel okay, let’s just try and shoot one. And, can we get the body make up folks in?

Richie: Yeah, that would be us too. Sorry, bunch of your crew were at that super spread of fund raiser.

Randy: Alright. Who’s looking for patchy. We got a bunch of fake pubes.

Richie: Yeah. Here we go.

Britney Spears Cold Open

Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Gina Carano… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: And now live from Las Vegas, it’s “Oops, you did it again”, with your host Britney Spears.

[cheers and applause] [cut to Britney in her set]

Britney: Hey, y’all. It’s Britney, bitch. You all know me from my upbeat Instagram video and the word “Conservatorship”. Basically, I started this show “Oops, you did it again”, so people could come on and apologize for things they’ve done wrong. Because after the ‘Free Britney’ documentary came out, I’m receiving hundreds of apologies a day. Speaking of which, I’d like to give a quick shoutout to out sponsor – The Notes App. Are you looking to post a lame apology Ted0 years late? Go through the motions with the Notes App.

Okay, guys, let’s welcome our first guest and while the music plays, I’m gonna dance.

[Britney starts dancing]

Please welcome Texas senator, Ted Cruz.

[Ted walks in in a holiday vibe with a cocktail in one hand and a luggage on the other hand.] [cheers and applause]

Ted: Ola, everyone. Hey, Britney.

Britney: Hey there, Ted. You look tan.

Ted: Oh, no. I’m not tan. I just cried myself red over my fellow Texans. And that’s why I drink in their honor.

Britney: So Ted, Texas is going through huge crisis disease right now.

Ted: Oh yeah. Yeah, it’s real bad.

Britney: And you literally abandoned it and flew to Cancun for a family vacation.

Ted: That’s right. And now, I’m in a little bit of hot water which I’m told is a thing no one in Texas has.

Britney: Well, would you like to apologize?

Ted: Absolutely. I deeply regret my actions over the last couple of days. Mostly, flying United. [giggling] I’m sorry. I’m pretty bad at human stuff.

Britney: So, you understand why people are calling you a coward?

Ted: Yeah. Coward is actually nicest word I heard. But let me ask you this. Would a coward have the cajones to blame his actions on his young daughters?

Britney: [surprised] You blamed your daughters?

Ted: Oh yeah, the whole trip was the girl’s idea. They love Cancun. There are so much for kids to do. The topless beach. Shots at senior frogs. Swimming with sick dolphins. They love it.

Britney: Okay. Well, as someone who was often blamed for other people’s problems at a young age, [acting crazy] maybe leave your daughters out of it because it could really mess up with their heads.

Okay. My next guest also has some explaining to do. You want to dance with me, Ted?

Ted: Well, I think my fellow Texans want to see me dance and be happy right now. Let’s do it.

[Britney and Ted start dancing]

Britney: Please welcome New York governor Andrew Cuomo.

[Andrew walks in. He is wearing a suit.] [cheers and applause]

Andrew: Hey. Hello. Alright. Let’s get this over with.

Britney: Governor, do you know why you’re here today?

Andrew: Is it because indoor dining is back in New York? [cheers and applause] That’s exciting, right?

Britney: Governot!

Andrew: Alright, I know. It’s coz of the nursing home stuff.

Britney: And what happened with the nursing homes?

Andrew: Some of the people who died in the nursing homes were not counted as nursing home deaths. They were counted as hospital deaths. Which is basically what happens at Disney World. Okay? People die and they move the bodies. They say, “Oh, I guess Brenda died in the parking lot, not on the tea cups.” So, you know, we just did the Disney thing. Alright. Well, are we done here?

Britney: Governor, I like you. You’re from NYC or as I call it, TRL. But don’t you think you ought to apologize?

Andrew: Yeah.

Britney: I’m sorry. What was that?

Andrew: I said I was sorry.

Britney: Okay, see? That wasn’t so hard. People just want answers. Bill de Blasio says you are to be investigated.

Andrew: That bird bitch son of a what? What did that bird bitch say about me? [yelling] I will bury him in the tallest grave this city has ever seen! I will hire a Hobo to Rick Moranis him so hard, he’ll think he’s back in Universal Pre-K.

Britney: Governor?

Andrew: I’m sorry, okay? I get a little angry now and then and always.

Ted: Hey, I get it. You know, me and you, we’re both kind of the same thing. We’re both strong misunderstood men.

Andrew: Do not associate yourself with me. We are not the same. I am a man, you are a clown.

Ted: I accept that. Thank you.

Andrew: And if you mess with me, I will send you to a clown hospital.

Ted: Honestly, that sounds fun.

Andrew: And when you die, I will not count your body.

Ted: No, sure. Thank you.

Britney: Alright. Now, it’s time to read a letter from a fan and see what the folks at home are curious about.

[reading a letter]

Dear Britney, are you okay?

Yes, okay. So, I get this question a lot and I am perfectly okay, everything is good. And I am not trying to send people subliminal messages through my videos.

[#FreeBritney appears for a second then cuts back to Britney]

Okay guys, my final guest was fired from the Mandalorian for something she posted on social media, please welcome actress Gina Carano.

[Gina walks in] [cheers and applause]

Hi Gina, are you here to apologize?

Gina: I’m here for the opposite of that. I’ve done nothing wrong. No one can even explain what I did wrong. Explain it.

Britney: Okay. On Instagram, you said “Conservatives have it as bad as people living in Nazi, Germany.”

Gina: Okay, congrats. You explained it. Look, I never would made that Nazi comparison if I’d known everybody was gonna be such a Nazi about it.

Britney: Do you feel like you’re a victim of cancel culture?

Gina: Yeah, absolutely. And I was canceled by Disney? Disney is the moral high ground? Have heard Brer Rabbit’s accent on the Splash Mountain rag recently?

Andrew: Well, if you die on it, they’re gonna move the body.

Ted: Ay look, I know how you feel, sweetie. I’m getting a lot of my old tweets used against me too. Yeah, we’re both in the same thing girl. Strong misunderstood women, okay?

Gina: No. Do not associate yourself with me. I am strong and you are a pile of soup. I am first class and you are coach.

Ted: Yeah, but I’m in the up grade list though.

Gina: And if you compare yourself to me, I will blast you to the farthest deserts of Tatooine.

Ted: Ay, anything to get out of Texas.

Britney: Okay. Well, that is all the time we have. But before I go, I just want to say a little prayer for a song. We need to remember that times are hard right now. People are struggling. We need to be understanding and forgiving of one another. I pray that all of you be sane and well and to be with people who make you feel loved. Isn’t that right, guys?

Andrew: [shaking head] I’m gonna cry.

Britney: So blessings to all.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Birthday Gifts

Trish… Aidy Bryant

Regina King

Heidi Gardner

Cecily Strong

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with a group of women celebrating birthday]

Ladies: Presents! Presents! Presents! Presents!

Trish: Oh my god, look at all these gift bags. You girls did too much.

Regina: Well, it’s our best friend’s birthday. You know we were going to go all out.

Heidi: Yeah, get in there, Trish.

Trish: Okay. Oh my gosh. Oh, it’s one of those cute little wooden signs. Look. “Dinner choices – Trish. Take it, Regina. Leave it”]

Cecily: That’s from me. I don’t know. I thought you could hang it next to your “Life happens, coffee helps” sign in the kitchen.”

Trish: I love it. You guys know how much I love art.

Regina: That is so dang cute, Sue. Where did you find that?

Cecily: Home Stuff.

Chloe: Oh, Home Stuff rules. Open another one.

Trish: Okay. Alright. Let’s see here.

Heidi: It’s another sign. I’m sorry. I copied.

Trish: Oh, wow. [pulls out the sign] “Wine gets better with age, I get better with wine.” Okay, guilty. You girls know that’s true.

Regina: We do.

Heidi: I thought you’d like that. There’s another small one in the bag.

Trish: Oh. Okay. Wow. Oh my. Oh my gosh. [pulls out another sign] Okay, I had to read this one twice. “CAn you drunk how tell I am?” Ha-ha-ha. Cute. You girls are so bad.

Regina: That was my favorite.

Heidi: You know, it was either that or “Everything happens for a reasoning”.

Cecily: Oh, that’s funny too. That’s a tough call.

Regina: Okay. This one’s from me. I think we all had the same idea.

Trish: Okay. Alright. [pulls out the sign] “I like you better when I’m effed up”. Okay.

Regina: There’s another small one and it’s my favorite.

Trish: Okay. “Hey Barkeep, I wanna die tonight.” Wow. Thank you.

Cecily: You’re gonna run out of wall space soon.

Trish: Yes.

Chloe: Here’s one more.

Trish: Oh gosh. Okay. “I drink too much”.

Cecily: Aww.

Regina: I came this close to buying that one.

Cecily: Me too. Me too.

Heidi: Oh my go, that is so funny.

Regina: That was my favorite.

Trish: I don’t see the joke in that one though.

Chloe: Well, it’s like, “Look at me. I drink too much.”

Regina: Yeah. And look, the woman on the sign looks just like you. She’s cute.

Trish: I don’t see that.

Cecily: No, she does. Look closer.

Trish: I did.

Regina: Here’s another one. It’s my favorite.

Trish: Okay, well, you’ve said about all of them. So– Oh, wow. “I did ‘dry’ January. I never took a bath all January because I was always too hammered and I was worried I would slip under the surface of the water.”

Cecily: Aww.

Trish: Okay, I think I’m done with this.

Heidi: No. Don’t be embarrassed. It’s your day. Enjoy the attention. What’s this one? [passing a bag]

Trish: Okay. Let’s see. [pulls out the sign] “I put wine bottles in other people’s recycling bins so the garbage men won’t know how much I go through in a week.”

Cecily: Aww!

Trish: That’s not an ‘aw’. These are not nice.

Regina: What do you mean? I thought you love these. I thought these little signs were your favorite.

Trish: I mean, they are. But like, “Live, laugh, love”. Not, I don’t know, “My sponsor thinks I’m in bed.”

Heidi: I mean, I can exchange it for everything happens for reason.

Trish: Okay. But these are all about drinking. I mean, are you guys trying to tell me something? We all drank during lockdown. We’re just moms having fun, aren’t we?

Cecily: We just thought they were cute. Here, Trish, this one’s not about drinking. [passing a bag]

Trish: Okay. “Home, where the ‘ho’ and ‘me’ come together.” Well, I guess that one’s okay.

Regina: Another small one.

Trish: Okay. “I am sexually promiscuous and my house is dirty.” I don’t understand these.

Heidi: Here’s another small one.

Trish: “I’m outdoorsy. I drink outside.” Great.

Regina: And then this part lifts down.

Trish: [Trish pulls down the back side of the sign. There’s another sign behind.] “I bring a few bottles outside and drink under the trampoline. I’m fine as long as no one gets on the trampoline.” [Trish pulls down the back side. There’s another sign behind.] “Basically I just it in dirt and drink.” Okay, I am done with the party. Thank you.

Regina: Oh no, Trish. Come on. We didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I guess we should have talked to each other before we bought all these.

Cecily: Hah. We just wanted you to have fun day. We thought they were cute.

Chloe: Yeah. We got carried away.

Heidi: I mean, there is one more but you don’t have to open it.

Trish: Oh, just let me see it. Okay. “I love the nights I can’t remember with the friends I can’t forget.” Well yes. I guess that one I can drink to.

All: Cheers. Happy birthday.

Heidi: That flips down.

[Trish pulls down the back side. There’s another sign behind.]

Trish: Okay. “Also I am cross fades as F.” I don’t even know what that means.

Regina: I think that’s my favorite.

Subway Pitch

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

Ego Nwodim

Rocky…John Krasinski

Dino… Beck Bennett

Brandon… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with 5 members of Subway in a meeting]

Kenan: Alright guys. It’s time to talk about future of Subway. Let’s face it. We need a rebrant.

Chloe: Agreed. Our last successful promotion was the $5 footlong. It’s time to bring Subway into the 2020s.

Ego: Yes. It’s time for some new ideas.

Rocky: I’ll tell you what. I couldn’t agree more.

Dino: Yeah. We got a lots of new sandwich ideas for sandwiches.

Kenan: Well, Rocky and Dino, you’ve been Subway’s go-to idea guys for the past 30 years.

Rocky: Let me tell you, it has been honor of my life.

Dino: We’re very proud of our legacy.

Kenan: As are we. But maybe it’s time to get a fresh voice in the mix.

Ego: Jina, could you send Brandon in, please?

[Brandon walks in]

Brandon: Knock, knock. Hi. Very excited to be here.

Rocky: Oh. Who’s the hit guy?

Brandon: The name’s Brandon. Brandon Fudgeit, actually. Came over from Chipotle.

Rocky: Oh, burritos. Very interesting

Dino: Yeah. We don’t do burritos here. We do sandwiches kid.

Brandon: Well, I’m not a kid. I’m a man. And what does every man want? Protein. Lots of it. Look, Subway used to be the quick healthy option but bread is bad. So, picture this. Sandwiches without the bread.

Ego: Oh.

Chloe: Okay.

Brandon: Now, you can eat a bowl full of salami or bologna with a fork and a knife.

Ego: Okay, wow. This is exactly what we were looking for.

Dino: Hey, can I ask you something? You got braindamage?

Brandon: What? No. My brain is fine.

Rocky: So, this is like a fetish I don’t know about? Like, you get off by watching people eat a bowl of ham?

Dino: Oh! That’s gross.

Brandon: No. It’s not a fetish. The Subway Protein Bowl is what young people want. I’m sorry but you guys are out of touch.

Rocky: Hey! You have some respect, alright? You know who we are? Okay? We found Jared.

Dino: That’s right. We’re the Jared guys. You see, me and Rocky were more than just salesmen. We’re story tellers. We sold Subway by telling the story of Jared.

Rocky: Yeah. You don’t bring Subway into the 2020s with a bowl of salami, okay? You do it with a story.

Kenan: Okay. And how do you propose we do that?

Dino: We bring back Jared.

Rocky: Yes.

Kenan: No. Stop it. Rocy, Dino, stop trying to bring back Jared. We told you that can never happen. He’s a bad man.

Brandon: Look, Mr. Rocky, Mr. Dino, I’m not trying to disrespect all that you guys have done for Subway. I mean, I love the $5 footlong jingle.

Rocky: Yeah, that wasn’t us.

Dino: Yeah, that was someone else. We pitched a different version.

Rocky and Dino: [singing] Subway’s a sandwich restaurant
we’re known for Jared
so if you want a sandwich
then Subway is an option
if you have $5
then you can buy a sandwich
but it won’t get you cookies

Kenan: Enough! Rocky, Dino, let Mr. Fudgeit finish.

Dino: So, with all due respect if you sell these bologna, I’m gonna kill myself.

Rocky: Me too, boss.

Kenan: Jesus, guys. You can’t say that at work. I’m gonna have to let you both go for that.

Dino: Oh, you’re gonna fire us for threatening to kill ourselves?

Rocky: Well, now we’re definitely gonna kill ourselves.

Dino: Yeah.

Kenan: Okay, fine. You’re not fired.

Dino: Oh, we’re not fired because we’re important to the team? Or because we said we were going blow our brains out?

Ego: It’s because you threatened suicide yes.

Rocky: Good. Glad to know that that works.

Dino: Okay. Work back. Welcome to the team, kid.

Ratatouille

Chloe Fineman

John Krasinski

Rattitue… Kyle Mooney

Bugatue… Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

[Starts with a man and a woman on a bed]

Chloe: Wow. That was incredible.

John: Yeah?

Chloe: I gotta be honest, my expectations were really low considering you insisted on wearing your top hat the whole time. But seriouly, that was amazing.

John: Oh, thanks.

Chloe: What’s your secret?

John: Look, I’ll tell you. But just promise you won’t freak out.

Chloe: I promise.

John: Okay. Well, you know how I said I studied abroad in Paris? I met someone there. You know what? Maybe it’s better if I just dhow you.

[John opens his hat. There’s a rat on his head. The rat is wearing a chef hat.]

Rattitue: Hi. My name is Rattitue.

John: He’s the one who controls me while we’re having sex.

Chloe: I don’t understand.

Rattitue: I can explain. You see, once upon a time, I learned to be a famous chef by studying a cookbook from cover to cover. Then one day, I discovered an even better book called Hustler Magazine.

John: So, what do you think?

Chloe: Well, it’s unusual.

John: You’re telling us.

Rattitue: Yeah.

Chloe: Well, I guess it’s not that weird and the important thing I that now I know the truth.

John: Yeah. Now, you know everything.

Rattitue: Well, not everything.

John: What do you mean, Rattitue?

Rattitue: Well, there is no easy way of saying this. So, I might just as well show you.

[Rattitue opens his chef hat. There’s a bug on his head.]

Bugatue: Hey, I’m Bugatue. You know where a veteran can get a massage around here?

John: I’m sorry. What do you do exactly?

Bugatue: Oh. I do something very simple and very important. I can look ta a disc and immediately identify if it’s a DVD, blu ray or a PS2 game.

John: And how often does that happen?

Bugatue: You’d be surprised. Never.

John: Oh. Looks like we don’t need you anymore.

[John flicks the bug away]

Bugatue: Oh, flicked again. That’s a bug’s life.

John: [to Chloe] So, do you still love me?

Chloe: Just promise me one thing. Never lose that rat.

John: Deal. Hey, Rattitue, start yanking.

Rattitue: Ah, hell yeah! Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Pete. He has a typewriter in front of him.]

Pete: In all my years as a sex critic, I have never seen such enthusiasm in the bedroom. As I watched my neighbors have sex through a telescope, it rocked me to my core. I give them two thumbs up. And as for me, I’m headed down to the subway with a bag full of shredded mozzarella to lure and capture my very own sex rat.

Opening Credits Songs

Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

Anya Taylor-Joy… Melissa Villaseñor

David Harbour… Beck Bennett

Julie Andrews… Cecily Strong

Nicholas Braun… Pete Davidson

Gillian Anderson… Kate McKinnon

Kim Cattrall… Chloe Fineman

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

Kelsey Grammer… Alex Moffat

John Krasinski

[Starts with Nicole Kidman’s intro]

Male voice: If you’ve watched “The Undoing”, you might have noticed that one of the stars of the show, Nicole Kidman, sang the theme song.

Nicole Kidman: [singing] Why am I alone, it’s blue as can be (my son)
dream a little dream of me

Did you notice my coat?

Male voice: We did. Inspired by Nicole, stars of your other favorite shows now singing their theme songs on ‘Now that’s what I call theme songs sung by the stars of the show’. So, enjoy this original theme song that was cut from the opening of “The Queen’s Gambit”.

[Cut to Anya Taylor-Joy]

Anya Taylor-Joy: [singing] Chess and drugs and drugs and chess
girl playing chess, then doing drugs
then playing chess
now when you see people playing chess
now you will know, they’re on drugs

Male voice: And hey, if you like Stranger Things, you’ll love the new season four opening credits performed by Sheriff Jim “Hop” Hopper.

[Cut to David Harbour]

David Harbour: [singing] Welcome to the 80s, I’m about to blow your mind
in Hawkins, Indiana, scary aliens you’ll find

lots of kid actors but they’re actually good
there’s something strange in your neighborhood

Oops! That’s Ghostbuster, girl!

Male voice: And Julie Andrews, the narrator of “Bridgerton”.

[Cut to Julie Andrews]

Julie Andrews: [singing] Sex, lots of color blind sex
sex, we put on costume for sex

but why do these opening credits
look like a screensaver from the 90s? 

Male voice: And wow, check out Cousin Greg from “Succession” lending his own unique style to their theme song.

[Cut to Nicholas Braun]

Nicholas Braun: [singing] Huh? What?
Huh? What?
Huh? What?
Huh? What?
Succession

Male voice: And what about Gillian Anderson as Margaret Thatcher singing the theme song for “The Crown”?

[Cut to Gillian Anderson]

Gillian Anderson:  [singing] This is the crown

Alright

Male voice: Pretty sure that was the theme song from “The Voice”. And you’ve probably heard the rebooting “Sex and the City”. Kim Cattrall is not in the new show but she does sing the theme song.

[Cut to Kim Cattrall]

Kim Cattrall: [singing] Sex an the City without Samantha
doesn’t that sound fun?

it’s Sex and the City without the sex
hope you enjoy the city

Ah!

Male voice: And don’t miss the opening theme to “The Mandalorian” as performed by Baby Yoda.

[Cut to Baby Yoda]

Baby Yoda: Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha.
oh, yeah, what?
turn it up, turn it up, yo
Yo, come on, now, yo
Mandolorian, native Californian

Enough! This beat is whack! I got to wrap to this? Come on, now?

Male voice: And now that Frasier is back on Pika, Kelsey Grammer has release a brand new version of the theme song. But he has modernized the lyrics as only Kelsey Grammer can.

[Cut to Kelsey Grammer]

Kelsey Grammer: [singing] Hey, maybe I hear you Instagramming,
TikTok salads and Twitter eggs
Reddit

Male voice: And finally, John Krasinski sings the long lost lyrics to the original “The Office” theme song which he wrote himself.

[Cut to John Krasinski]

John Krasinski:[singing] Scranton,Scranton, Scranton,
Scranton, Scranton, Scranton, Scranton
that’s where we all live and work

that’s a calculator
there’s Dwight, he’s the bad guy
and the hero’s name is Jim
highlighting, that’s his girlfriend
that guy’s on the phone,
tie flip, then there’s me again
then Carell does the trophy thing
the office

Male voice: Stars sing the songs from the shows they’re on. Available wherever I am. Come and find me.

The Grinch

Dad… Mikey day

Mom… Kristen Wiig

Brother… Kyle Mooney

Sister… Chloe Fineman

Grinch… Pete Davidson

[Starts with story turning book pages.]

Male voice: And what happened then…? Well… in Who-wille they say that the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day! He brought back the toys and the food for the feast! And he… he himself… carved the roast beast!

The next morning…

[Cut to a family in the Christmas morning. The kids are at the Christmas tree and their parents walk down.]

Dad: Good morning, kids.

Sister: Good morning, dad.

Brother: Good morning, mom.

Sister: You guys look tired.

Dad: Yeah. Mom and I had a little too much who-punch last night.

Mom: Haven’t partied like that in a while.

Brother: What did you guys do after we went to bed?

Dad: Don’t worry about that, buddy.

Sister: I thought it was so nice that Mr. Grinch came down to celebrate with us yesterday.

Brother: I always thought he was a rotten old meanie who is slimy like a snail, but boy was I wrong. He is great!

Dad: Yeah. He’s a cool guy. Oh, speak of the devil.

[Grinch is walking down the stairs]

Grinch: Morning.

Sister: Did you sleep over, Mr. Grinch?

Brother: And are you wearing my dad’s bathrobe?

Grinch: Well, the reason for that is–

Mom: You know, it was so late and Mr. Grinch lives way up on that curly mountains. And we just thought why not invite him to spend the night here? [Dad and Mom looking at each other happily] With us.

Grinch: Yeah. That’s it.

Brother: Well, wait. There’s only two bedrooms upstairs. Where did you sleep, Mr. Grinch?

Grinch: Someone want to take this one?

Dad: It doesn’t matter where Mr. Grinch slept. What matters is that yesterday, his heart grew three sizes.

Mom: It’s not the only thing that grew three sizes.

Grinch: Kathy. You’re bad.

Male voice: The Who Children puzzled over what had occurred. Unaware that their parents had brought in a third to spice up their marriage, why, it’s a cinch. All you need is some Who punch and a night… with the Grinch.

Grinch: Well, I should probably roll.

Mom: No, no, no. Stay. Have breakfast. I’m making green eggs and bacon.

[Grinch takes a seat in between Dad and Mom]

Grinch: Oh, okay. Well, I am pretty hungry.

Dad: I bet you are. You put in some work last night.

Mom: We all did.

Grinch: Well, if that was work then I guess I love my job.

Sister: What are you guys talking about?

Dad: Nothing. Hey, show Mr. Grinch the toys you got for Christmas, guys.

Brother: Okay.

Sister: Yeah.

Brother: We got whiz boppers, new sneedlers and I don’t know what this is but it looks fun. [pulls out a stick with a pointing hand on top.]

Dad: Okay. Don’t worry about that one, guys. That’s not a fun toy.

Mom: I thought it was pretty fun.

Grinch: Trust me, I remember.

Sister: I’m so tired. You woke me up last night, mommy.

Mom: Oh, no. I did? You didn’t come in our room, right?

Sister: No.

Mom: Oh. Thank god.

Sister: You kept screaming, “You’re a mean one. You’re a mean one. You’re a mean one.”

Mom: Well, mommy was just having a nightmare.

Brother: Daddy. Were you having a nightmare when you were yelling, “Punish me, my green king? Punish me, my green king?”

Grinch: And that’s my cue. I really should get back to my cave. My little A-hole dogs probably wondering where I am.

Mom: Aw!

Dad: Are you sure?

Grinch: Yeah. But hey, you know, thanks for the memories.

Mom: Well, don’t be a stranger.

[Mom and Grinch hug. Mom doesn’t let go of hug.]

Grinch: I probably should go.

[Dad gets in to hug as well.]

Dad: Well, no ones stopping you.

Brother: What are you guys doing?

Grinch: [yelling at the kids] Go outside and play!

[Dad, Mom and Grinch start making out.]

Christmas Morning

Brother… Kyle Mooney

Sister… Chloe Fineman

Dad… Beck Bennett

Mom… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with kids waking their parents up in the morning of Christmas.]

Speaker 1: Mom, dad, get up!

Speaker 2: Come on, you guys. Wake up. Wake up.

[musicplaying]

All: It’s Christmas morning. Let’s open up our presents.

BROTHER: Well, I got a Nerf gun!

SISTER: I got a hat!

DAD: I got an autographed baseball bat!

BROTHER: I got a telescope!

SISTER: I got a globe!

DAD: I got a watch!

MOM: And I got a robe!

BROTHER: I got Hulk hands!

DAD: I got a tie!

SISTER: And I got a copy of The Catcher in the Rye!

BROTHER: I got a drum set!

SISTER: I got a phone!

DAD: I got a pen!

MOM: And I got a robe

DAD: I got an outdoor pizza oven!

BROTHER: I got a cameo from McLovin!

SISTER: I got a hoverboard!

BROTHER: I got a drone!

DAD: I got a laptop!

MOM: And I got a robe
Thanks for the robe, it’s really really nice
Thanks for the robe, guys, this is great

BROTHER: I got headphones!

SISTER: I got a wig!

BROTHER AND SISTER: We got the piano from Big!

DAD: I got a vintage pinball machine!

MOM: And I’m gonna make us breakfast!
In my brand new robe which I love so much
It’s really really soft! Oh, it’s on sale

SISTER: I got a sword!

DAD: I got shades!

BROTHER AND SISTER: We got pairs of rollerblades!

BROTHER: I got a Lego Millennium Falcon!

MOM: And I burned my arm in the oven
It hurt pretty bad, but I didn’t even scream
‘Cause I keep the pain inside of me

ALL: More and more presents
Let’s open up our stockings

BROTHER: Mine has a set of travel games!

SISTER: And mine is stuffed with candy canes!

DAD: Mine has a bottle of nice cologne!

MOM: And mine is completely empty
Just a big, flat sock with nothing inside
I only hang it up ’cause it looks kinda weird
If it’s missing in our pictures

DAD: Hold on now, what’s this I see?

SISTER: A few more presents beneath the tree!

BROTHER: Looks like someone’s got a big surprise

MOM: Oh, you guys really didn’t need to get me–

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: It’s presents for the dog!

BROTHER: He got a bone and a squeaky toy!

DAD: And peanut butter treats

BROTHER AND SISTER: ‘Cause he’s a good boy!

SISTER: So many presents, but he deserves it!

BROTHER AND SISTER: And he got a robe!

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: It’s Christmas morning! Let’s take a family picture!

MOM: John, I don’t have any makeup on. I was up until 4 in the —

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: What a great picture! Let’s post it on the internet!

Male voice:  Your mom does everything for your family. This year, get her more than one present. Moms like stuff, too

BROTHER: Who touched my piano?

MOM: [yelling] It was an accident!