Tag: Chloe Fineman

Megan 2.0

Megan… Chloe Fineman

Gay Megan… Aubrey Plaza

Bowen Yang

Michael Longfellow

Allison Williams

Kenan Thompson

Male voice: America has a new obsession, and her name is Megan. Designed to be a little girl’s best friend.

Megan: Don’t cry, Katie, everything is going to be okay. Do you want to dance with me?

Male voice: And protect her at any cost?

Megan: I won’t let anything harm you.

Male voice: Megan is a box office powerhouse, but just captivated one demographic above all… gay men. Megan is a gay icon. She is the definition of care. Megan’s plastic foot is on my neck. So now we’re slapping together a sequel. which promises to be even more gay.

Gay Megan: I’m Megan. I’m your best friend. Your den bitch.

Male voice: It’s Megan 2.0.

Michael: Oh wow.

Bowen: Working it, mother.

Male voice: “Strap in Hunty, Annabelle could never”

All: Go Megan. Go Megan.

Kenan: I signed up for 7am Szenario twin spin class. I should really go home.

Gay Megan: Should you go home? Or should we call it a drag show a mother lode and get high off poppers?

Bowen: Oh, hey, the Queen has spoken.

Male voice: Critics are saying Megan slays literally and it’s like bros but for gays. You want to do dance you can do on TikTok? Well, then gag on this.

Bowen: It’s the dolls that’s literally giving me life.

Megan: Well, you know, I had to turn out for my little homos.

[All the gays at the bar get offended] [Gay Megan turns Megan off]

Gay Megan: But seriously, you guys are little homos.

Bowen: You can say it. [All the gays at the bar start partying again]

Male voice: if there’s one thing gay men love, it’s unhinged plastic women.

[Gay Megan choke’s Bowen]

Gay Megan: I’m bored. Drive me home.

Bowen: Megan, you messy hoe, I’m obsessed with you.

Allison: Everyone stopped. Get away from her. She is not your friend. She’s a killer and she will kill you.

Bowen: Oh my God. Are you from the show girls?

Allison: Yeah. Yeah.

Michael: Oh, yeah, you had your butt eaten. That’s so cool.

Allison: It is?

Michael: Yes. Join us.

Allison: Really? Even though I’m straight?

Bowen: Mama, if you’re getting your ass ate on TV, you’re an ally, sis.

Allison: Okay.

Bowen: Megan, you’re paired with the club speakers, right? Play some music.

Gay Megan: I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose.

Megan: No, Megan, real music. Okay, you hungry sluts.

[music playing]

Male voice: Megan 2.0. This one’s for the gays.

The Black Lotus

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

James Austin Johnson

Heidi Gardner

Punkie Johnson

Sarah Sherman

Aubrey Plaza

Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Chloe walking into a hotel]

Kenan: Welcome, ma’am, checking in?

Chloe: Yes, I am. It’s just- Oh, gosh, I forgot my credit card. I must have left it in the limousine. Is that okay? Can you trust me?

Kenan: No, I can’t.

Chloe: I’ll have it in a couple of hours.

Kenan: Well then come back in a couple of hours. All right? I don’t know you. I’m trying to run a business.

Male voice: Coming soon to HBO, Black Lotus. All the decadence, all the intrigue. None of the foolishnness.

James: These two ladies are going to be visiting me over the next couple of days. So if you just go ahead and give them a key.

Ego: Yes, sir. Ay William, give these whores a spare key to the room.

James: Could you please talk little quiet.

Ego: Okay, William, you see this man right here? He didn’t come with nobody so he wants these hoes to come and go as they please. Everybody, treat these house like their regular people.

Kenan: Sir, You do realize that giving them a key allows them to charge anything they want to the room?

James: Yes, it’s fine. It’s fine.

Kenan: Oh, it’s fine. Oh, okay, so you rich-rich then.

Male voice: Eight wealthy tourists, one luxury hotel and a staff with no time for this nonsense.

Punkie: Sir, will your friends be joining us or is he still upstairs fucking your wife? Hah! I got next.

Sarah: Can we borrow Vespa scooter overnight?

Kenan: Oh, we don’t have scooters, ma’am. But I could offer you the hotel’s 1999 Chrysler 300. A baby is the car back?

Aubrey: Why don’t you go look yourself?

Kenan: Because you as the last one to take it out.

Aubrey: Does he look like I’m still out?

Sarah: Jack is taking me out to the countryside today.

Ego: To the countryside? Didn’t you all just meet?

Sarah: Yeah. Crazy, right?

Michael: We’re going on an adventure.

Ego: How nice, y’all enjoy now okay? Bye-bye. He gonna kill her.

Kenan: Um-hmm.

Male voice: Guests that have everything. And a staff that’s had enough.

Chloe: Hi. Excuse me. I’m sorry. I’m having a bit of a crisis. Do you know where I can find your psychic or fortune teller?

Ego: A fortune teller? Not in here. This is Jesus’s house.

Marcello: I just can’t believe it. I give her $50,000 and she totally played me.

Aubrey: Oh my god. What is wrong with you? What did you think will happen? There’s plenty of hoes out there who’ve never slept with your papi at school. [foreign language] For that kind of money, I will let you take me for a throw but you will know what to do with a real ass.

Male voice: Black Lotus, each season at a new exotic location. Like Atlanta, Washington DC, and It’ly.

Heidi: Hey, beautiful. You’ll let me sing tonight. Right? I’m good. I promise I won’t let you down.

Ego: Oh, you want to sing? You think you can replace Kenny in the Kirk Franklin lounge?

Heidi: You know what? I think I’ll sit this one out.

Ego: I think that’d be best. Yeah.

Andrew: I paid for the Coppa suite, so I should get the Coppa suite. I don’t understand why that’s so damn hard?

Kenan: Sir, it’s like I told you. It’s just not available.

Andrew: Well then make it available, moron.

Aubrey: Oh no, you’re not gonna do that. No, no, no, no, no, no no. [Aubrey runs and hits Andrew] [foreign language]

Andrew: Oh my god.

Kenan: Welcome to Black Lotus bitch.

Male voice: Black Lotus, bring your hopes, bring your designers. Don’t you dare bring an attitude.

Police: Folks, found a body on the beach. Did anybody see anything?

Kenan: That ain’t none of my business.

Devon: I know nothing about that.

Police: So no one saw body wash up from the ocean?

Ego: is the ocean to hotel because I work at the hotel?

Male voice: Black Lotus, coming to HBO and Stars spring 2023.

Miss Universe

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Molly Kearney

Heidi Gardner

Sarah Sherman

Chloe Fineman

Punkie Johnson

Aubrey Plaza

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Miss Universe pageant, brought to you by 80 for Brady, finally a movie for your mom that your mom won’t like.

[Cut to the show stage]
[cheers and applause]

Kenan: Alright, welcome back to Miss Universe, one of several shows still on the air where we rank women. But it’s not what you think. We do it based off of looks. Ladies, all right, anyway, we are down to our final seven contestants. Why don’t you remind everybody what country you’re representing?

Chloe: [yelling] Albania.

Ego: [yelling] Canada.

Molly: [yelling] Denmark.

Heidi: [yelling] Belgium.

Sarah: [yelling]  Israel.

Punkie: [yelling] Barbados.

Aubrey: [yelling] France.

Kenan: Alright. Lot of energy. Maybe too much energy. Well, it’s time for the interview round. I’ll ask a few questions and we’ll just go down the line. Okay? Favorite food.

Chloe: [yelling] Bread and pasta.

Ego: [yelling] Basmati rice.

Molly: [yelling] Hotdog.

Sarah: [yelling] Gum.

Heidi: [yelling] Sprite.

Punkie: [yelling] Uber Eats.

Aubrey: [yelling] Fries.

Kenan: Wow. Not sre that I made this clear. Didn’t think that I would have to. But you don’t need to scream every answer. Yeah. Also, Miss France, are you okay? All right. Next question. And you’ll have 45 seconds to respond. Where do you see yourself in five years?

Chloe: [yelling] Albania.

Ego: [yelling] Canada.

Molly: [yelling] Dead.

Kenan: Sorry, did you say dead?

Molly: [yelling] Skydiving accident sir.

Kenan: What? Alright, let’s just move on to the talent portion of the competition. Can’t wait to see what you prepared. Let’s pick it up with Miss Albania.

Chloe: [yelling] Tap dancing.

Molly: [yelling] Skydiving.

Heidi: [yelling] Tongue.

Aubrey: [yelling] France.

Kenan: Why would I have you say your talents? Or your brains broken? I mean, I heard you girls backstage having the most thoughtful conversations. Where did that go? [Aubrey walks to Kenan] Well, no, don’t come over here.

Aubrey: [yelling] Ahhh!

Kenan: Help? What do you need help with?

Aubrey: [yelling] Frog.

Kenan: You need help with France?

Aubrey: [yelling] Ahh!

Kenan: Just please go back. Okay. No Back this way. Thank you. Thank you very much. All right. Let’s just move on to the next question. And I don’t know why this is what it is but favorite TV episode? Miss Belgium.

Heidi: [yelling] Nip Tuck season one episode four where Sean and Christian perform an operation on an adult film star.

Kenan: No. You don’t have to summarize the plot.

Heidi: [yelling] And Kimber moves into a bigger condo. I miss Belgium.

Kenan: Miss Albania? You got a favorite memory that you could tell us?

Chloe: [yelling] Shakira Superbowl.

Kenan: The Shakira Superbowl halftime show? Were you there or something?

Chloe: [yelling] No.

Kenan: All right. You know what? Let’s just go to our judges who are inexplicably the Two Property Brothers and Tony Hawk.

[cheers and applause]

All right. All right judges, who is your pick?

Two Property Brothers: France, France.

Tony Hawk: [yelling] Tony Hawk!

Kenan: Wow, it really is the Property Brothers and Tony Hawk. That’s crazy. And fellas, why’d you take this gig?

Two Property Brothers: Bad with Money. I’m his twin.

Tony Hawk: [yelling] France.

Kenan: Alright. I can’t believe I’m saying this but the winner is Miss France. [Aubrey walks near Kenan] Alright. I don’t even want to ask but do you have anything that you want to say?

Aubrey: Don’t take the vaccine.

Kenan: Come on. Anything but that?

Aubrey: [yelling] Tony Hawk!

Kenan: It is Tony Hawk.

Jennifer Coolidge Is Impressed by Christmas Stuff

Jennifer Coolidge… Chloe Fineman

Male voice: And now, Jennifer Coolidge is impressed by Christmas Stuff.

Jennifer Coolidge: Hi, I’m Jennifer Coolidge. I love Christmas.

[Stockings] Oh, look at this. A big sock full of gifts. You know the ultimate stocking stuffer is a foot.

[Christmas Lights] Christmas lights, so colorful. You know, one year I got the blinking ones. I left my Christmas tree out all night and learn my cat was epileptic,

[Christmas Carol] That’s really good. Did you write this song?

Michael: Did I write Jingle Bells?

Jennifer Coolidge: Yeah?

Michael: No.

Jennifer Coolidge: You know who did?

Michael: I don’t know. Some guy.

[Eggnog]

Jennifer Coolidge: Umm, a big cup of eggnog. Kind of weird. Tastes like I’m drinking Santa’s [bleep].

[Menorah] Oh, happy birthday. I forgot to make a wish.

[Christmas Present] Oh wow. Christmas present. It could be anything in here. I want to shake it. Give me some music. [starts shaking the gift] Sounds like an antique doll with one eye. [opens the gift] Oh, I was right..

Male voice: Merry Christmas from Jennifer Coolidge.

Jewish Elvis

Bert… Bowen Yang

Jewish Elvis… Sarah Sherman

Lois… Austin Butler

Cecily Strong

Laura… Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with audience talking in a show. Most of them are elderly women.]

Cecily: Okay, these are very good seats.

Laura: I mean, very good seats.

Chloe: Wow grandma, I didn’t realize your retirement home had its very own theater. I mean this is fantastic.

Cecily: Oh no. The Oasis has it all. A nightclub.

Laura: A sauna.

Cecily: Carpeted bathroom.

Laura: Carpeted locker rooms.

Cecily: And a steakhouse where everything is well done. Except the service.

Chloe: Grandma, what’s wrong with Lois?

Lois: Oh my god, he’s here it’s in the building. Oh my freaking god. It’s really happening.

Laura: She’s just excited for the show.

Cecily: Well, Laura, we all are. I mean, first night of Hanukkah when they really kick things off with a bang.

Chloe: I don’t understand. Who are you also excited to see?

Lois: Oh, oh, there he is. There he is.

All: Oh my god, it’s Jewish Elvis. Ah!

[Jewish Elvis is dancing and the audience are cheering for him]

Lois: Oh my god.

Jewish Elvis: Thank you. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] Can somebody turn up the AC? I’m schimtzing like a friggin hound dog up here. Ah, what are you gonna do? It’s Viva Las Vegas.

Lois: Oh my god, I’m so horny. I’m gonna friggin explode.

Chloe: I’m sorry. I don’t get it.

Cecily: Yes, I can explain. He’s Jewish Elvis.

Chloe: Right. But…

Cecily: Quiet. He’s back to sing.

Jewish Elvis: Wise men say
Who is wise men? 
Why are they so wise?
only fools rush in
what’s the rush?
everybody just relax
I can’t help
I could help,
I don’t want to
I’m tired
my back hurts
I can’t help ordering a diet coke
at every restaurant I go to

Lois: Oh, he sings like a freaking angel. Oh my god.

Chloe: I mean it’s a little bit of singing but it’s mostly complaining.

Laura: Yeah, he’s Jewish Elvis. Hello! Are you stupid?

[Jewish Elvis starts dancing]

Jewish Elvis: Everybody wants me to do my moves.

Cecily: Oh my god. Yes, please.

Lois: I’m like Niagara Falls over him. My chair is gonna friggin drown. [pulls out her underwear] Oh, ruin me, Jewish Elvis. Ruin me. [throws her underwear to the stage]

Jewish Elvis: Oh, gross. No, thank you. I think you everything bangles got a little too much cream cheese on it. You know what I’m saying?

Laura: This is the best night of my life.

Chloe: Night? It is 4:30 in the afternoon.

Jewish Elvis: My God, I got she was no I got schmutz all over my suit. Was no one gonna tell me I got schmutz all over my friggin suit? I mean, what is this? Mustard? I’m walking around like a goofball with mustard on my friggin little scarf? I mean, oh my god this is a zizzaster.

Chloe: Did he just say zizzaster?

Lois: It’s his famous catchphrase. Whooo!

Bert: All right, hello. Sorry everyone. I’m Bert the director of the retirement home.

Cecily: No! Get your fat ass of the stage.

Lois: You are blocking Jewish Elvis. You fat a-hole.

Bert: Ladies, calm down. Apparently somebody broke the toilet in the handicapped stall. [Jewish Elvis slowly walks out of the stage] It’s completely flooded and covered and blue rhinestones. Witnesses said there was a man inside screaming “Oh no, it won’t go down. This is zizzaster.” Jewish Elvis, is there anything you want to say?

Jewish Elvis: Yeah. Hey, what are you gonna do? Viva Las Vegas.

Cecily: Get off the stage. Fat sub.

Chloe: Wait guys, where is Lois?

Cecily: I don’t know. Oh my god. She’s on the stage.

[Lois is on the stage with Jewish Elvis]

Jewish Elvis: Sing it with me, mommy.

My stomach hurts
sing it with me

Lois: I got a bad cramp

Jewish Elvis: I love you. Together.

Both: I think I accidentally had dairy
all together y’all
All: We can’t go on together
with delicious cheese
we all got diarrhea
from delicious cheese

Jewish Elvis: Happy blue Hanukkah everyone. From all of us and Jewish Elvis.

Marzipan

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

Sarah Sherman

Bowen Yang

Marcello Hernandez

Austin Butler

Kenan: What do little children yearn for this time of year? The sweet treats they ask Santa for more than any ever. The confection they dream up most of all, is it candy canes? Hershey Kisses? No! It’s…

Kids: Marzipan. Yayy.

Kenan: That’s right. Marzipan, the mostly almond almost candy from Boubakeur, Germany with the flavor of nuts, but the texture of nuts. And what is its name?

Chloe: Marzipan.

Marcello: Marzipan.

Sarah: Marzipan.

Austin: Marzipan.

Bowen: Ah! [just shouts out in happiness]

Kenan: it comes in any shape you can think of as long as you mostly think of banana.

Chloe: Mine’s a little apple.

Marcello: And mine’s a pear.

Sarah: Mine’s a little unshaped log.

Austin: Me too. He-he-he.

Bowen: Mine’s… Ah! [just shouts out in happiness]

Kenan: That’s right. The child’s choice. The candy with as much protein as a bite of steak. But don’t take it from me. Take it from these strange British children.

Chloe: I love Marzipan. You can almost taste the taste.

Marcello: I used to think that the best candy was Circus peanuts. But now I know it’s Marzipan.

Austin: If a stranger said to me “Come in my car, I’ve got candy,” I’d say, “No.” But if they said “I have Marzipan,” I’d say “Abduct me, baby.”

Kenan: As soon as you finish one, you’ll want another and that’s probably enough. Just remember, don’t eat it within 12 hours of going to sleep or after 12 hours of waking up. Now children, would you like to see our expert chef making a fresh batch?

Austin: Me? I’ll go. I’m oldest.

Michael: Hello, there. I’m making Marzipan.

Austin: Is the recipe a secret?

Michael: Yeah.

Austin: Is it just almonds?

Michael: Yeah.

Austin: Do you mush them up?

Michael: Yeah.

Austin: And then it’s Marzipan?

Michael: Yes. Oh, wait, let’s see if the batch is ready. [Michael tastes a little bit] Yuck, it’s perfect. And remember, it must be refrigerated and consumed within 50 years.

Sarah: Oh, it will never last that long.

Kenan: Now look what I have, children.

Chloe: Is that what I think it is?

Kenan: That’s right. A brand new pack of M.

Chloe: Mine’s a little pig.

Sarah: Mine’s baby’s ass.

Marcello: I think that’s a pear.

Bowen: Mine’s a little me. Oh, oh, oh.

Austin: Oh no. One is missing. Someone has stolen a Marzipan.

Kenan: Oh, silly me. All right, children time for the big number. The Marzipan reel.

[music playing]
[kids are dancing]

And now the song.

Kids: [singing] Marzipan, Marzipan
chocolate can’t do what Marzi-can
children love a special treat
how bout one that’s almost sweet
I’d like a bite, if I could
flavor is almost good
if my Marzipan could talk
It would say I taste like chalk

Maa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aaar zipaa-aaa-aaa-aaan.

Male voice: Marzipan, you’ll believe your mouth. In the German aisle of CVS.

A Christmas Epiphany

Rich… Austin Butler

Jimbo… Mikey Day

Steven… Andrew Dismukes

Janine… Heidi Gardner

Son… Marcello Hernandez

Daughter… Sarah Sherman

Denice… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Rich walking out of the bar]

Rich: Come on now Jimbo, I’m fine.

Jimbo: Rich, you know I’m just looking out for you. Now, come on, give me your car keys. You ain’t driving home tonight.

Rich: All right. It’s a good night for a walk home anyhow.

Jimbo: Rich, what are you doing out here drinking on Christmas Eve. Ain’t you got no family?

Rich: Family? Who needs family?

Jimbo: What about that girl Denise you’ve been going round with? Why don’t you with her?

Rich: I called that whole thing off, Jimbo. You know me. I’m a lone wolf. That’s the way I like it.

Jimbo: I’m trying my best boss. I’m trying my best.

[Rich is walking home alone drinking]

Rich: Family? Who would want to get tied down or something like that? Not me, I’ll tell you. No sirree.

[Rich walks to a house and peeks inside the window. He sees a happy family having Christmas dinner.]

Look at them. So much love. That’s what I’ve been afraid of all these years? So beautiful.

Janine: [scared] Steven, there is a man staring at us through our window.

Steven: Yes, I can see him. Just stay calm like he isn’t there. He’ll lose interest and he’ll leave.

Rich: [being emotional] I spent my whole life running for what? Just to be all alone on Christmas Eve?

Janine: He isn’t leaving.

Steven: Janine, relax.

Janine: How can I relax when there’s a pervert lurking in our window?

Steven: He’s trying to freak us out, Janine. That’s what gets him off. Don’t give him the satisfaction.

Rich: [being emotional] Oh, I should have married Denice. I drove her away. [looking at his reflection on the window glass] Look at you. You make me sick. You ruined my life.

Son: Dad, I think the man wants to kill me.

Janine: Steven, he’s scaring our children. Stop just sitting there and be a man.

Steven: What do you want me to do, Janine?

Janine: I want you to protect our family.

Daughter: Go out there and make him leave, dad. Please.

Steven: I’m not going out there. Are you crazy? Just don’t look at him. He’ll leave.

Janine: You are a coward.

Rich: [being emotional] What have I done? Wasted years at the office. Working day in and day out. What do I have to show for it? Fancy suit? [he starts throwing away his suit] Silk tie?

Janine: Are you happy now? He is exposing himself.

Steven: Oh, sorry. I don’t want to get killed, Janine.

Janine: You are pathetic, and that is why I did what I did last summer.

Son: What happened last summer?

Steven: Your mother stepped outside of our marriage.

Daughter: What?

Rich: [being emotional] Give me another chance at life. Let me start again and have a perfect family like this.

Daughter: Mom, how could you cheat on dad?

Janine: Because I haven’t been attracted to him in years.

Jimbo: Come on, Rich. Get ahold of yourself.

Rich: Jimbo, you an angel?

Jimbo: Yeah. Something like that.

Rich: You gotta help me. I’m wasting my life.

Steven: Holy god.

Janine: Kids, don’t look at the man. Don’t look at the man.

Son: Why?

Steven: Listen to your mother!

Rich: And now I’ll never have a family.

Jimbo: I wouldn’t be too sure that.

[Denice walks in]

Denice: Rich? Rich, is that you?

Rich: Denice? What are you doing here?

Denice: Oh, I was just passing by. I’ve been thinking about you, Rich.

Rich: Denice, would you please take me back? I’m ready to have a family now.

Denice: Oh, Rich. Of course, I will.

Jimbo: Nice work boss. Nice work.

Janine: Oh, I think he’s leaving.

Steven: [yelling] Yeah, get out of here. Be it. You hear me? See? I get rid of it. You don’t have to worry anymore. You’re safe now.

Son: Way to go, dad.

Daughter: Way to go, dad.

Janine: Wow, what a hero.

[They look outside. Now Jimbo is staring inside the window. Steven gets scared and runs away.]

Weekend Update- Kurt and Deb from Wyoming on Rekindling the Spark

Colin Jost

Kurt… Mikey Day

Deb… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new book aimed at helping married couples rekindle the spark in the bedroom is showing up on several holiday must have lists. Here it’s authors Kurt and Deb from Wyoming. [Kurt and Deb slide in] Hey guys, so why don’t you tell us about how this book came about?

Kurt: Yeah, well, Deb and me have been married close to 20 years now.

Deb: Uh huh.

Kurt: Things kind of fizzled out in bed.

Deb: Uh huh.

Kurt: Well, we discovered my wife’s got a talent for doing voices of famous people. So we took that out into the bedroom.

Colin Jost: Okay, so sort of like role playing?

Kurt: Yeah, but with celebrities. For example, we’ll show you our technique at wor. Baby, you want to show him Drew Barrymore? You’re gonna like this.

Deb: [in Drew Barrymore’s voice]Oh my god, that feels amazing.

Kurt: Do you like that, Drew Barrymore?

Deb: Yes, it’s fantastic.

Kurt: Yeah? How much? How much you like it?

Deb: So much.

Kurt: Louder. Come on.

Deb: It’s literally blowing my mind.

Kurt: Louder, come on.

Deb: It’s so orgasmic.

Kurt: Whoo! I’m half master.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I know.

Kurt: Is that not hot as hell?

Colin Jost: I can see. Yes. I know we’re all getting really turned on.

Kurt: Yeah, you are. Horn dog. So Drew is a good girl but she does bad girls too like that Russian con artists lady from Inventing Anna. You know? Do Anna Delvey for him. Come on?

Deb: [in Anna Delvey’s voice] Ah, you’re nothing little boy.

Kurt: Yes Miss Delvey. Miss Delvey is a dom. Yes, Miss Delvey.

Deb: You’re so weak and poor.

Kurt: Yeah, come on. Please, ruin my credit score. Ruin my credit score.

Deb: Oh, my orgasm is on the way.

Kurt: Yeah, it is, Miss Delvey. Yeah. Damn.

Colin Jost: Thank you. That’s great. I’m curious. Easy. I’m curious how many voices does she do?

Kurt: Man? I think I’ve made love to about thousand celebrities at this point. I mean, last night I was with the Ms. Meryl Streep. Come on baby.

Deb: I gotta use a prop.

Kurt: Yeah, you can use a prop.

Deb: [in Meryl Streep’s voice] Oh, well, you know. Oh, well, that’s delicious.

Kurt: Yeah?

Deb: Oh, well, it’s utterly divine.

Kurt: Oh, you’re so talented.

Deb: Oh yeah, it’s like lovely music.

Kurt: Yeah?

Deb: I finished.

Kurt: There it is. Whoo.

Michael Che: I got a question. Does she do any black ones?

Kurt: No, she does not. But she can do what’s your name? Scarlett Johansson. Do you know her?

Colin Jost: Yes, I do.

Kurt: You know her?

Colin Jost: Yes.

Kurt: Have you seen her? What’s that movie? “Under her skin”?

Colin Jost: I don’t think. I think it’s “Under The Skin”.

Kurt: “Under the skin.” Of course, you know what it’s called, horn dog. Look at you correcting me. 24 minutes 11 seconds, whoo! All right.  Do Scarlett.

Deb: [in Scarlett Johansson’s voice] Hey, I’m married to Colin, but I need a real man.

Kurt: Yeah. Yeah, you do. Why don’t you get over here, Black Widow? Come on, Black Widow. This spider bites, Colin.

Colin Jost: Alright, thanks. I think we’re good on that one. I just want to point out Kurt, it does seem like Deb kind of does all the work while you just sort of reap the benefits.

Kurt: Okay, yeah. I’m not as good at voices as Deb. But I can’t say like one thing as a few cartoon characters. And Deb, bless her heart, she got into it. Didn’t you?

Deb: I love Little Stewy.

Kurt: You want me to do Little Stewy?

Deb: Uh-huh.

Kurt: Hello, Brian.

Deb: What are you gonna do to me, Little Stewy?

Kurt: Hello, Brian.

Deb: Now, do Mr. Burns.

Kurt: Oh yeah?

Deb: Now, do Mr. Burns.

Kurt: Excellent.

Deb: Yeah, bitch. Yeah, bitch. Now do Shaggy from Scooby Doo.

Kurt: Oh, you want Shaggy? Do you deserve it? Wow. Scoobs. Joinks. Scoob. Joinks.

Colin Jost: All right, thank you so much, Deb and Kurt from Wyoming. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Please Don’t Destroy – Chelsea

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Chelsea… Sarah Sherman

Courtney… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Ben, John and Martin in their office.]

John: Do you guys remember Chelsea?

Ben: Your ex Chelsea?

John: Yeah.

Ben: Oh, I haven’t thought about her in a while.

Martin: Honestly, when you guys broke up, it was like such early.

Ben: Yeah, she was kind of the worst, man.

Martin: Just like a negative person.

Ben: Like a bad person.

Martin: Yeah, like, whenever she would walk into a room, it would be like “Okay, I guess this room is just gonna suck for a little bit.”

Ben: Sometimes I would have daydreams about her getting stepped on by a giant.

Martin: And she would always have like food all over her shirt like a baby.

Ben: She’d be like, “Oh, does this hot dog belong on my shirt or in my mouth?”

Martin: “Oh, I’m Chelsea. I’m cruel and I smell like a dead guy’s fridge.”

Ben: She stung. She was stinky.

Martin: She was like pond scum. Like a sloppy pile of sewer runoff.

Ben: A sewer runoff. Yes. Ew. Chelsea. Why? What’s up with Chelsea?

John: We got back together.

Ben: You did?

John: And she’s right here.

[Chelsea is sitting on the couch right beside them]

Ben: Chelsea. It is so good to see you. John, what the hell? So you guys serious or casual?

Chelsea: John just proposed, wedding’s in June.

Ben: Love it.

Martin: I can’t wait to meet the fam.

John: You already did. They’re watching on Zoom.

[The whole family is on Zoom group call]

Ben: What’s up family? Y’all don’t seem too happy with me.

Dad: Anyone talks crap about my daughter, I’ll hunt you down and I swear to God…

[Ben closes the computer]

Ben: Close out of that one.

Martin: Hey Chelsea, do you remember the stuff we were talking about earlier?

Chelsea: I do.

Martin: You do? Well, we were actually talking about John’s other ex, Courtney.

Ben: Yes, Courtney was the one who was like a fugly nerd.

[Cortney is also sitting on the couch]

Courtney: Wow.

Ben: Courtenay. Good to see ya.

Martin: Look, we didn’t mean to insult you guys.

John: Really? You didn’t mean to insult them? Stenographer, read back the Rebecca remarks please?

[There’s a stenographer in front of the door]

Stenographer: She was like pond scum, like a sloppy pile of sewer runoff.

Martin: Where are all of you coming from?

Ben: Get out of my office, you weiordo.

Steve Martin: Don’t talk to her that way. That’s my wife.

Ben: What? That’s your wife?

Steve Martin: No, it isn’t, but it doesn’t matter. You two are fugly on the inside.

Martin: Steve, come on. You’re our favorite host.

Martin Short: Favorite host?

Ben: Damn it.

Martin Short: I’m telling Michael Che.

Michael Che: Not cool, guys.

Ben: Che?

Martin: Why were back there?

Michael Che: What is my number one rule about SNL?

Ben: ABC rule.

Michael Che: That’s right. ABC. Always be kind. You broke that rule. So Martin, you’re fired.

Martin: What? Just me? Why? Ben’s the one who started this.

John: Can you not talk about Ben that way? He’s right here.

[Ben is now sitting between John, Chelsea and Courtney.]

Ben: That’s really not cool, man.

Martin: Oh my god.

Steve Martin: Come on everybody, but Martin. Let’s go back to my apartment. You can all take one thing home with you.

All: Yay.

Martin: Now I’m all alone. And it’s Christmas.

[Chelsea’s dad walks in]

Dad: You talk crap about my daughter? You dead.

[Starring Sarah Sherman’s Real Dad]

Father of the Bride

George… Steve Martin

Annie… Heidi Gardner

Diane Keaton… Chloe Fineman

Martin Short… Franck

Bowen Yang

Selena Gomez

[Starts with a video clip of a beautiful house]

Male voice: This is our home. 24 Maple drive. We bought it when Annie was in grammar school. She even got married here. So many memories.

[Cut to Steve looking outside the window.]

Heidi: Hey, daddy.

Steve: Is that my beautiful daughter?

Heidi: Guess what? I’m engaged again.

Male voice: Father of the Bride, Part 8. Three decades and seven divorces later, Annie’s back and ready to give marriage an 8th shot.

Steve: Annie, what makes you think I can afford an 8th dancy Meyers style wedding? I’m financially drained.

Heidi: But daddy, I’m your little girl.

Steve: You’re 52. Your mom started driving for Lyft to pay your last wedding.

Chloe: Well, jeez. Okay, so did someone say mom?

Male voice: Diane Keaton is back. And more Diane Keaton than ever. She’s an icon in beige. And we’re here for her.

Steve: So who the hell is planning this thing? Don’t tell me… Oh my god, don’t tell me it’s…

[Martin and Bowen walks in]

Martin: Hello. Oh my favorite. Look at you. Hello George.

Steve: No, not again, Franck. I can’t do this, Howard.

Bowen: Hi, George. You still have an outstanding balance from the 5th wedding. You owe me fro the shrimp tower and the two performances by Nicki Minaj.

Heidi: Oh, daddy, can we get Nikki again?

Martin: Of course, now, this is fantastic [unintelligible]. And if you don’t have that, you don’t know what you’re doing, George.

George: What?

Male voice: That’s right. Martin Short is back as the beloved wedding planner Franck, doing the accent that I think is still okay. Let’s all agree that it’s okay.

Franck: So Anne, you’re looking a little used goods. This is fantastic news. Because these are not… I’ve seen bigger lumps in oatmeal. So put them together and make one good one or do something or get the fake one. Whatever you do, it look lovely. But I think you need a little plucking, a little pumping, a little tugging and maybe down there a little, you know, procedure.

Steve: Oh, are you suggesting I pay for my daughter’s vaginal rejuvenation?

[Carrie walks in]

Carrie: Eww. Can we not talk about my sister’s privates right now? I feel like I might blow chunks.

Male voice: Did you forget Carrie Colton was in this movie. So did we. And so did he. But he was. And now he’s on succession. So good for him. And it wouldn’t be a wedding without the whole family there.

Carrie: My sister in a wedding dress? Gross to the max. Oh, by the way, no cake for me. I have a colonoscopy tomorrow.

Franck: But she’s so beautiful. What that mature brain.

Steve: You really are beautiful, Anne, my little girl. My little menopausal girl.

Franck: This is so nice. Father with the bride. But time for the big surprise. Your wedding performer.

[Selena Gomez walks in]

Selena: Hi. What’s up? I’m the wedding singer.

Heidi: My god. Selena Gomez. You’re even more beautiful in real life.

Selena: I know. Thanks.

George: Franck, how much is she gonna cost me

Selena: 1.8 million, easy.

Franck: Oh, come on George, singing to everybody. Let’s sing.

All: Every party has a pooper,
that’s why we invited you,
party pooper!