Pilot Hunk

Pat… JJ Watt

Hannah T… Cecily Strong

Hannah V… Heidi Gardner

Hannah Bad… Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Melissa Villaseñor

Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Pilot Hunk intro]

Male voice: He’s a big boy pilots with 30 sobbing Hannahs to choose from. Tune in to watch him deep kiss the white girl and high five the black girls. This season on “pilot hunk.”

[Cut to Pat]

Pat: Hi, I’m Pat and I make the plane hurry up. I’m a sky boy looking for my fly girl. Let’s bachelor.

[Cut to Pat and Hannah T]

Hannah T: Mmm, I like this.

Pat: Tell me something about yourself.

Hannah T: I’m Hannah T. I’m 22, and my job is pharma-cute-ical. I sell medicals to the women.

Pat: Oh, I love that. Am I detecting an accent?

Hannah T: Yeah. I’m Jen.

[Hannah V walks in]

Hannah V: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Hannah T leaves] Mm, I like this.

Pat: Tell me something about you.

Hannah V: I am Hannah V. I am 20/30 years old. And I am not cross eyed but that’s the vibe.

Pat: Ha-ha, I love that.

Hannah V: I had so much fun on the lube taste test. I’m a lawyer by the way.

[Hannah Bad walks in]

Hannah Bad: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Hannah V leaves] Mm, I like this.

Pat: Tell me something about you.

Hannah Bad: Well, I’m Hannah Bad. And I’m brutally fragile at home. So, here, it’s absolutely the wheels are coming off.

Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.

Hannah Bad: I know the girls told you rumor about me and it is true. I have brown hair. But you should also know that my mouth is a vacuum hoe. Like, [inhales] [Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec? [Hannah Bad leaves] I like this.

Pat: Ha-ha. Are you excited for our trip?

Kate: Yes, I can’t wait to go to Thailand and scream about how the food is gross in front of the woman how cooked it.

Pat: Ha-ha. Different food is gross.

Kate: Actually, I have something for you. I wrote you a letter. It’s a T. I also know a couple of others but I’m gonna play hard to get.

Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.

[Melissa walks in]

Melissa: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Kate leaves] Mm, I like this.

Pat: Tell me something about you.

Melissa: Watching you play soccer with poor kids made me so horny.
Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.

Melissa: Also, it’s my birthday today. I turned 30.

Pat: Oh, happy 30th birthday. [calling guards] Guards!

[The guards take Melissa away] [Ego walks in]

Ego: Mm, I like this.

Pat: Hey, you.

Ego: You don’t seem surprised to see me. I died last episode.

Pat: Oh, right. What happened?

Ego: I drowned in the shower coz I looked up with my mouth open. They said I could come back if I got alive again. So, I did.

Pat: Thanks for being vulnerable.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Ego leaves]

Pat: Whoa, another one?

Chloe: Something you should know is that family is really important to me. There’s someone I want you to meet.

[Chloe turns around. There’s a face on her back.]

It’s my twin. She’s the fun one.

Pat: Nice! A threesome.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Chloe leaves]

Pat: Wow, your eyes are peeing. What’s wrong?

Kate: [sobbing] Being here is so hard for me because I’m like, really shy. Like, I was blushing so hard at the thong fashion show, I can’t believe I won.

Pat: Oh, yeah. You got a Martial’s gift card.

[Hannah Bad walks in]

Hannah Bad: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Kate leaves] [sobbing] I’m having a really hard time because the producers, they confiscated my vitains and they gave me a knife.

Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.

Hannah Bad: I want you to know that I’m not just a party girl. I could also be a wife life, watch me drink champagne.

[Hannah Bad pops a bottle of champagne and pours it all over her breasts.]

Pat: Whoa! I think I’m ready to propose… that you leave.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal? [Hannah Bad leaves] I love dancing to country singers. Chance to be with you today. Um, but I have to tell you something. Um, he and I dated. Are you mad?

Pat: No, I love that.

Kate: That’s not all. I’ve also date most of the cameramen. Are you mad?

Pat: No, I love that.

Kate: I’m dating a lot of the girls in the house too.

Pat: Whoa, that’s pretty hot.

Kate: Also, one more thing. I looked it up and I make more money than you.

Pat: You know what? Let me walk you out.

[The End]

North Pole News Report

Rick Sugarplum… Alex Moffat

Donnie Chestnut… Mikey Day

Kittle Diddles… Eddie Murphy

Chloe Fineman

Cecily Strong

[Starts with North Pole News intro]

Announcer: This is a North Pole News special report.

[Cut to Rick Sugarplum in his news set.]

Good evening. I’m Rick Sugarplum. Breaking news tonight of an incident which led to a fire at Santa’s workshop in toy production, north. Our own, Donnie is live at the scene.

[Cut to split screen with Rick Sugarplum at left and Donnie Chestnut at right]

Donie, what’s going on and will it affect Christmas?

[Cut to Donnie Chestnut]

Donnie Chestnut: Well, Rick, what we know is there was a fire caused by a knocked over licorice lamp as elves were fleeing the workshop. But no word yet as to what they were fleeing from. Still looking for answers here.

[Kittle Diddles comes in running]

Kittle Diddles: I saw the whole thing. I saw the whole thing walking down from the candy can depo. I saw the whole thing.

Donnie Chestnut: Okay, tt looks like we have an eyewitness here. What’s your name sir?

Kittle Diddles: It doesn’t matter what my name is. I’ve seen what happened. A polar bear got into the workshop and started eating elves. I don’t know those elves and I don’t work with those elves are but those elves are gone.

[Cut to Rick Sugarplum]

Rick Sugarplum: Hold on. Is this man saying a polar bear got inside the workshop?

[Cut to Donnie Chestnut and Kittle Diddles]

Donnie Chestnut: Yes. I believe he is. But there is an electrified fence around the perimeter.

Kittle Diddles: It don’t matter about the electrified fence. The bear came right through fence and it looked just like Jurassic Park. it just ran through the fence. These bears are out there and they’re hungry because of global worming, and they smelled that fresh elf meat and wen’t crazy. The bears are coming for us, you all. Ah!

[Cut to Rick Sugarplum]

Rick Sugarplum: Well, that’s some troubling news. Any word on who might have been injured?

[Cut to Donnie Chestnut]

Donnie Chestnut: Well no, official casualties have been confirmed.

[Kittle Diddles runs in again carrying one human leg in his hand]

Kittle Diddles: I can confirm them now. Look at this leg. I found this lying on the ground down there. They’re dead. Bears are popping elves in their mouths like skittles. Not even chewing. Swallowing elves whole. Party shoes and all! Ah!

[Cut to Rick Sugarplum]

Rick Sugarplum: Donnie, looks like this could be far worse than originally thought.

[Cut to Donnie Chestnut and Kittle Diddles]

Donnie Chestnut: Again, Rick, I don’t want to speculate as to how serious it is without official word.

Kittle Diddles: Let me break it down for you. I tell you how bad it is. [Kittle Diddles takes over the mic and goes towards Chloe] This teenage white elf girl ran out to me, a black elf in sweat pants and asked her to keep her safe. That’s how bad it is.

Chloe: My friends are still in there.

Kittle Diddles: Girl, they dead. Where’s Santa? That’s what I want to know. Santa supposed to be here and he’s no where to be found. Christmas is canceled.

Donnie Chestnut: No, it’s not. Please do not announce that, sir. Thanks for the info. What’s your name again in.

Kittle Diddles: It don’t matter what my name is.

Donnie Chestnut: Okay, well responses are already pouring in from the magical being community, The tooth ferry via Instagram moments ago. Wings heavy with despair this evening. Sending my thoughts and prayers to the North pole. Some moving words there.

Kittle Diddles: That bitch sounds crazy! We don’t need thoughts and prayers. How about some guns and ammunition? More bears are coming. And they’re eating. We’re up here. We’re defenseless and small and we’re adorable and we’re chew-able.

Donnie Chestnut: Okay. Thank you, sir. We’re good with you. Oh, Rick! [Cecily walks in] Here comes an elf who just emerged from the workshop. Mam!

Cecily: Santa knew. He knew that fence was old and he didn’t replace it because it cost Cecily,000 more gum drops then a wanted. Our pepper mint blood is one your hands.

Kittle Diddles: Listen to this sexy ass elf right here. When polar bear are in town, the fattest man in the north pole is nowhere to be found. He’s MIA, pretty convenient. Don’t you think? We’re just scratching at the surface of this thing. #Santanew.

Donnie Chestnut: Oh, don’t say things like that. Thank you very much. And what is your name again?

Kittle Diddles: It don’t matter what my name is. It don’t matter.

Donnie Chestnut: It does matter for our viewers, please.

Kittle Diddles: All right. My name is Kittle Diddles. I don’t like my name. That’s why I don’t like to say.

Donnie Chestnut: Well, thank you Kiddle Diddles. Wait! Rick, I think I hear something. I think it is singing.

Kittle Diddles: Hey, that ain’t no damn singing. That’s a bear!