Celeb School Game Show

Bert Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Trishelle… Punkie Johnson

Ryan… Andrew Dismukes

John Oliver… Mikey Day

Jennifer Coolidge… Chloe Fineman

Adam Driver… James Austin Johnson

Kristen Wiig… Melissa Villaseñor

George Takei… Bowen Yang

Lil’ Wayne… Chris Redd

Rami Malek… Pete Davidson

Pete Davidson… Rami Malek

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: It’s time for Celeb School with your host Bert Simpson.

[Cut to the show]

Bert Simpson: Hey, folks. I’m Bert Simpson, Bert Simpson. And you know the game. Two contestants try to win $10000 with a help from our classroom of celebs. Playing today are Trishelle and Ryan.

Ryan: Oh, wait. Are we not going to do intro banter?

Bert Simpson: Oh, no. You two are boring. Okay, from “Last Week Tonight”, it’s John Oliver.

John Oliver: Game shows. America’s dirty little obsession. Give me more game shows, daddy. More please.

Bert Simpson: Okay. From “White Lotus”, Jennifer Coolidge.

Jennifer Coolidge: Oh, jeez. Why am I here? I don’t know anything. Gosh!

Bert Simpson: Next, an actor who’s voice sounds like it’s been changed to protect his identity, Adam Driver.

Adam Driver: Hello. Excited to be here.

Bert Simpson: Well, you could have fooled me. We’ve also got funny lady Kristen Wiig

Kristen Wiig: Hey. Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Mr. Host man. Ha-ha-ha. Dumb. Why? Why did I say that?

Bert Simpson: Star Trek legend, George Takei.

George Takei: Hello.

Bert Simpson: George, I gotta ask. Are you gonna say it?

George Takei: That depends on how bad you want it.

Bert Simpson: Oh, very bad.

George Takei: Oh, my!

Bert Simpson: There it is! Okay, next to him we have rapper Lil’ Wayne.

Lil’ Wayne: Ahah! I like to vibe out. Weezy!

Bert Simpson: It’s the wrong game, Weezy. Okay, next, the star of “No Time To Die”, Rami Malek. [Rami Malek just stares at the camera] Okay. And finally from SNL, Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Wad up? Wad up? Yo! Do I have to sit next to Rami Malek? I mean his eyes are freaking me out. Like dude! Stop staring at me, man.

Rami Malek: I’m sorry. It’s just that people say we look alike. Maybe. I don’t see it. Maybe if I looked a little longer.

Pete Davidson: No, dude!

Bert Simpson: Okay. Ryan, Trishelle, you know how the game works. I give you a subject and you call on a celebrity student you think will know the answer. Ryna, you’re up first. Your subject is geography.

Ryan: Well, he has an accent and glasses which means he gotta be smart. I call on John Oliver.

Bert Simpson: Alright, John Oliver, Sweden is bordered by Norway and which other country?

John Oliver: Of course, you can’t talk about Sweden without talking about IKEA. [IKEA logo appears on right top corner.] Home of sketchy furniture and even sketchier meatballs. They’re not beef. Bad IKEA. Bad IKEA.

[buzzer sound]

Bert Simpson: John, your rant though amusing contained no answer. And please, no more over the shoulder graphic. Alright, Trishelle, you can steal.

Trishelle: Okay. Well, I’ll call on Jennifer Coolidge.

Jennifer Coolidge: Oh, jeez! Bad choice, sweetheart. Ah! I was in Europe once. I drank too much and passed out in a sauna like a dumb ass. Where was I? Finland?

[right answer bell]

Bert Simpson: That is correct. Trishelle takes the point. [a paper airplane hits Bert Simpson] Ay! You stop with the paper airplanes, Kristen Wiig.

Kristen Wiig: I didn’t throw anything. Ha-ha-ha. Why would you think I threw it?

Bert Simpson: Because you are half giggling and I saw you throw it.

Kristen Wiig: I’m sorry. I was just being weird. Sorry. Ha-ha-ha. I might do it again though. Is that bad?

Bert Simpson: Yes. Okay, Trishelle. Your subject is history.

Trishelle: Well, I don’t think he’ll know the answer because he is definitely high as hell, but I’m a fan. So, I call on Weezy.

Lil’ Wayne: Ha-hah! Yeah. I’d like to solve the puzzle. “What is that big fat ass?”

Bert Simpson: Once again, this is not “Wheel of Fortune”, nor is it “Jeopardy”. Are you ready for the question, Lil’ Wayne? [Lil’ Wayne is gone from his chair] And he’s gone. Does anybody know where he went? Rami Malek, did you see where Wheezy went?

Rami Malek: No. I’ve been staring at Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Argh! Please, make him stop. It’s like the soul of a victorian child is trapped in his eyes.

Bert Simpson: You’re not wrong, Pete. Okay, Trishelle, second choice?

Trishelle: I call on Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Pass!

Bert Simpson: You can’t pass, Pete. Okay, your question. Which revolutionary war battle was fought in your home town, New York City?

Pete Davidson: How would I know that? I mean, I went to school in Staten Island. And all of our classes were to prepare us to be firefighters or racist cops.

George Takei: Oh my!

Bert Simpson: George, you stay out of this. Alright, I need an answer, Pete.

Pete Davidson: I don’t know. I mean, can I just give Trishelle $10000 after the show? I mean, that would be easier.

Bert Simpson: No. Sorry. That’s not how the game works. Okay, Ryan, chance to steal.

Ryan: Okay, let’s go with Adam Driver.

Adam Driver: Good. Yes. Let’s have fun playing the game.

Bert Simpson: Adam. Which revolutionary war battle was fought in New York City?

Adam Driver: I don’t know. So, I’m not gonna answer the question.

Bert Simpson: Hey, calm down! Any of our other celebs think they know? George Takei has his hand up. You got an answer?

George Takei: No. I have a question. Why did William Shatner get to go to space and not me? Let Sulu go to the moon.

Bert Simpson: Sorry, it’s not up to me, George. And not that anyone cares, but the answer is the Battle of Brooklyn. Brooklyn.

[Lil’ Wayne walking in front of camera]

Lil’ Wayne: Yo, where did the plane go at?

Bert Simpson: That is “Price is Right”, Weezy. Okay, we’re gonna take a quick commercial break. Keep it right here. Ay, get back to your seat, Weezy.

The Peoples Kourt

Kourtney Kardashian… Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian… Heidi Gardner

Khloe Kardashian

Kris Jenner

Kylie Jenner… Melissa Villaseñor

Kendall Jenner… Halsey

Travis Barker… Mikey Day

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson

Megan Fox… Chloe Fineman

O.J. Simpson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Hulu intro]

Female voice: Hulu, it’s that thing you steal.

[Cut to clips of The Kardashians show]

Male voice: For 20 years, you’ve watched the Kardashian family bicker and squabble over everything.

Kourtney: I will literally [bleep] you up.

Male voice: Now, a new show that’s also that, but with a little more structure. It’s “The People’s Kourt” with a ‘K’. Starring judge Kourtney Kardashian.

[Cut to Kourtney at the judge seat]

Kourtney: Order, order. Order in the Kourtney. I’m good at this.

Male voice: Watch as she puts her judginess to good use and tackles the most serious family issues.

[Kim and Khloe Kardashian are in the court. Kim is in her MET Gala outfit covering up her face.]

Khloe: Kim stole my make up artist.

Kim: Oh my god! I needed him today.

Khloe: You’re wearing MET Gala outfit. No one can even see your face. Aw! You’re such a diva slore.

Kim: You’re just jealous.

Khloe: Hm, fine. But the next time you need to use the restroom, I’m not helping you ou krrr.

Kim: Wait. For real?

Khloe: For real.

Male voice: She doesn’t hold punches. She doesn’t play favors. And mostly, she just doesn’t care. Even with her own mom.

Kourtney: Mom, why are you suing Kylie and Kendall?

Kris: I am suing Kylie because she hasn’t had her baby yet. We have a whole marketing PR plan and she’s costing us money.

Kylie: I can’t grow it faster, mom.

Kris: Yes, you can. Take it from me. I had Khloe. I made her in four months. So, do you Kegel exercises and use your vagin.

Kylie: Mom, I am.

Kourtney: Whatever. And mom, why are you suing Kendall?

Kris: Well, I’m suing Kendall because she has absolutely no drama. She won’t cause any drama and it’s damaging our brand.

Kendall: I’m a Jenner, not a Kardashian.

Kris: And that’s something you need to work on, honey.

Kourtney: Ew, this is so cringe. Guilty!

Kendall: Who’s guilty? Me? Mom? Or Kylie?

Kourtney: I don’t care. You pick.

Male voice: There’s time for more than legal drama because even a judge has to let her hair down. With Kourtney’s boyfriend straight out of the year 2000 Blink 182, Travis Barker.

[Kourtney is sitting on Travis’s laps.]

Kourtney: Travis, baby. I have to do my show.

Travis: I can’t help it, your honor.

Kourtney: Oh my god, did you just call me your honor?

Travis: Yeah.

Kourtney: Babe…

Travis: Baby…

Kourtney: Babe, you’re so epic.

Travis: Oh, you’re so punk.

Kourtney: Will you drum all the small things on my ass when we get home?

Travis: Hands or sticks?

Kourtney: Both, baby.

Travis: Baby…

Male voice:It’s the Kardashian family like you’ve always seen them before. Lives will be changed. Shade will be thrown.

Kourtney: Okay, Kim, Kanye, what’s the problem?

Kanye: Ay Fam. I’m suing Kim because people always coming after me about when I tweet, but actually she haaacked me.

Kourtney: What?

Kanye: I said Kim haaacked me.

Kourtney: Are you saying hacked?

Kanye: Yeah, bro. Like okay, does this even sound like me? [talking about the tweet] “Who’s seen the play ‘Wicked’? I’ve seen it four times.” That ain’t me, fam.

Kim: That was you, Kanye. That’s your favorite play.

Kanye: Okay, fine. I do love that musical. But what about this one? “What do I have to do to get a simple Persian rug with cherub imagery? ? Ugh.” That can’t be me fam.

Kim: No. It was you. That’s your favorite rug.

Kanye: Okay, fine. It’s beautiful. What about this? “Wiz Khalifa, I like your pants.” Actually, that was me. Case dismissed.

Kourtney: This is so boring. Bring me my bailiffs and best friends, Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox.

[Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox walk in]

Machine Gun Kelly: Hey, what’s up?

Megan Fox: Wait, why are we best friends?

Kourtney: Because our boyfriends have tattoos for necks.

Megan Fox: Oh right, I love him.

Machine Gun Kelly: Ha, I love you too.

Megan Fox: I wrote you an Instagram caption, babe.

Machine Gun Kelly: Oh, that’s fire. Alright.

Megan Fox: Achingly beautiful boy.

Machine Gun Kelly: Oh.

Megan Fox: Toxic.

Machine Gun Kelly: Oh.

Megan Fox: Viral.

Machine Gun Kelly: Oh.

Megan Fox: Twin flame. Rehab barbie.

Machine Gun Kelly: Oh. I wish I could vape you.

[Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox start licking each other’s tongues.]

Kanye: A yo! A yo! Keep in mind, this is coming from Kanye, but ya’ll weird.

Male voice: On “The People’s Kourt”, you never know who’s gonna stop by.

Kourtney: Okay, finally the last case on the docket.

O.J. Simpson: Ay, Kourtney, it’s me, O.J. Simpson. You know. The Juice. Your dad’s old friend. Ay, how come ya’ll don’t invite me to anything anymore. Where is everybody going?

Male voice: “The People’s Kourt” on Hulu. All judgements are legally binding. Oh, I don’t know about that.

School Board Meeting

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Jane… Cecily Strong

Punkie Johnson

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Mr. Dod… Owen Wilson

Mr. Dod Yang

Jan… Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Andrew Dismukes

Dog the bounty hunter… Pete Davidson

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

Scary Gary Loomis… Kenan Thompson

Aristotle Athari

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with an channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching Lucerne County Community Channel Mr. Dod. Next, a still image of YMCA Youth Soccer Schedule for six days. But now, The District 7 School Board Meeting.

[Cut to the school meeting.]

Ego: Motion passes. The name of Robert E. Lee Middle School will be changed to Robert E. Lee Was Bad Middle School. Now, we know there’ve been lots of questions about the school district’s covid safety policy, so we open the floor to the public. Ma’am?

Jane: Hello. My name is Jane Nordling Smythe! I am concerned and I am also crazy. Let’s begin. The Johnson Johnson and Johnson are from cause a Fauci, okay? And the Fauci’s only part of it. But not on T-Mobile because this, all of this, this is about Israel.

Alex: Ma’am. Do you have a question about the school district’s covid policy or your child’s safety?

Jane: I don’t have a child and I don’t live in this town.

Alex: Then you should not be here. Next!

Punkie: So, I’m confused. My son can’t play football because they say vaccine he got wasn’t valid.

Ego: Okay, well, that was probably an error. Which vaccine did he receive?

Punkie: He got Mike’s Hard vaccine.

Ego: Mike’s Hard vaccine? Yes, that’s definitely not on the approved list.

Chris: [yelling at Punkie] I told you, ma! I told you that gal was lying.

Ego: Okay, next!

Heidi: Hi. I’m so mad, I’m literally shaking right now. Forget covid. The real threat is critical race theory being taught in our schools. My question is what is it and why am I mad about it?

Ego: We are taking questions about the covid protocols. Yes, sir. Hello.

Mikey: Hi there. If a child tests positive, is the school authorized to give them Ivertypacatraz? Which I took and cured my covid in basically half a day.

Alex: What exactly is that?

Mikey: It’s a hormone given to elephants in captivity to boost sperm production and it’s very safe. My son took it and had no adverse effects.

[Cut to his son. He is a kid but he has full grown beard.]

Ego: We are not authorized to administer any treatment. Next.

Mr. Dod: Hi there. I’m Mr. Dod. I teach Earth Science at Robert E. Lee… Was Bad Middle School. And look, I know we’re just trying to keep our students safe but I’ve looked into it and I can’t find any proof that separating students by race is gonna stop covid transmission.

Ego: Is that something you’re doing in class?

Mr. Dod: Yes, and I prefer not to. The science just doesn’t back it up. I mean, not to mention I think it’s frankly a little racist.

Alex: [shocked] It’s a lot racist! And it’s also not part of our covid policy.

Mr. Dod: No. I mean, I’ve got the memo right here. [pulls out a paper] It says… Oh! Okay. I see now it says ‘separate by six feet’, not ‘segregate by six feet’. Okay. That’s my bad. Bonehead alert! Well, I’m glad that mystery solved. It’s been a weird two weeks. Thanks guys.

Ego: We are so getting sued over that. Next!

[9 is just warming up at the table. He is an asian man with white dreadlocks.]

Alex: Sir, do you have a question?

9: [in loud voice] Barack Hussein Obama–

Ego: No! We’re not doing that. Next!

Jan: Jan Krang. J-A-N K-Rang! This is not about the covar virus. It’s is about the high school teens who meet in the parking lot near my home to vape and anal each other.

Ego: Ms. Krang, no! Ah-ah-ah! No, Ms. Krang. Good bye. Hi boys.

Kyle: Hi. We’re juniors at mid high school. Our question is, why can’t we game in class?

Ego: Again. We’re hearing covid safety issues only, but you’re at school to learn, not game.

Andrew: [small voice] Bitch!

[Ego is trying to stand, but Alex holds her down]

Mr. Dod: Sorry, it’s me again. I emailed my class. I told them the separating by race was a big misunderstanding and they actually want to keep it. Is that okay? No, right?

Ego: No.

Mr. Dod: Okay, got you. And you guys are doing a heck of a job. You really are.

Ego: Yes. And you are not. Wait, are you Dog the bounty hunter?

Dog the bounty hunter: Damn right I am! [smoking a cigarette] As you know, I’ve joined the hunt for Brian Laundrie. So my question to you is, do you know where he is? Because I can’t find this dude anywhere.

Ego: We do not.

Dog the bounty hunter: Are you sure? I got no leads on this guy. Either he’s good or I’m bad. One of the two.

Alex: Yes, we will let you know if we see him.

Dog the bounty hunter: Yea, that would mean the world to me, bro.

Ego: Right. And now, folks, this is about the covid policy at the district schools only. Next.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Hello.

Ego: No! Ah-ah! Because I can already tell what you’re about to do or say will not be on topic. No.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Smart lady!

Alex: Next? Yes, you sir.

Kyle: Yes, hi. I want to know what you are doing to keep my son safe from the lies of Barack Hussein Obama?

Ego: No! No! No more of that! No, what is wrong with you people? Alright, next?

Gary: Oh, it’s just me, Scary Gary Loomis, resident Halloween buff. And I would like to appeal the cancellation of my haunted house in high school gym. It’s only 400 actors dressed as freaky frights, screaming and spitting ooze at the students.

Ego: Gary, that room is unventilated. Appeal denied.

Gary: [angry face] You gonna regret this.

Alex: We won’t. Okay, next.

[three students are there. Two wearing cheer leading dress and one with a guitar]

Melissa: You guys ready?

Chloe: [singing] Science!

Aristotle: [singing] Fear!

Melissa: Which one prevail?

Alex: Sorry! No, I’m sorry. I literally don’t have the energy for whatever this performance is. Anyone else?

[9 comes all hyped up again]

Sir, is this about school district’s covid policy?

[9 nods his head]

9: Hillary Rodham Hussein Clinton!

Alex: No! No!

Ego: I can’t believe we fell for that again. Alright. Any more questions?

[There’s no one at the table] [Gary sneaks at the back of Ego and Alex and shouts in surprise]

Gary: [yelling] Let me do my haunted house!

[Ego and Alex jump scared]

Ego: No! Meeting adjourned.

 

Funeral Song

Miriam Lewis… Heidi Gardner

Father… Owen Wilson

Cecily Strong

Andrew Dismukes

Aidy Bryant

Chloe Fineman

Levar B. Burton… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a picture of Miriam Lewis on screen.] [Cut to Father at the podium in funeral.]

Father: Welcome. We are here today to honor the passing of Miriam Lewis. Miriam was a devoted mother, a loving grandmother, a devout church goer and most of all, just a free spirit.

Cecily: She sure was.

Andrew: Nana live a life.

Father: And Miriam’s favorite thing to do in the whole world was to take the bus down to Atlantic city and play those penny slots.

Aidy: Yes. She went every single weekend.

Chloe: [sobbing] I miss Nana so much.

Father: Mariam wanted every detail of this funeral to reflect her spirit, starting with her all time favorite song as sung by her all time favorite performer, please welcome bussed in, not direct, from the Loose Nugget Casino, legendary Atlantic city headliner, Levar B. Burton.

[Levar B. Burton walks in]

Levar B. Burton: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you to Peter Pan bus lines for bringing me to New York city via Secaucus via Hershey, Pennsylvania. I knew Miriam very well. She would always sit front row in my show and shout, “Sing my song!” Well, this one’s for you, Miriam.

[music playing] [singing] I used to think that I could not go on

Aidy: This song sounds familiar.

Levar B. Burton: And life was nothing but an awful song.

[A slideshow of Miriam Lewis’s pictures is on the TV screen]

Cecily: I think it’s ‘I believe I can fly’.

Levar B. Burton: If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it,
 

We miss you, Mimi.

there’s nothing to it

Say it with me.

I believe I can fly.

Cecily: Stop. This song is by R. Kelly.

Aidy: Yea. We were already sad and then you made us listen to R. Kelly.

Levar B. Burton: Well, actually, you’re listening to Levar B. Burton.

Father: Hold on. I don’t understand. Miriam told me she wanted this specific song.

Andrew: But R. Kelly is a horrible man who did awful things.

Chloe: Well, maybe Nana didn’t know about all that.

Cecily: Hah, maybe she didn’t.

Aidy: Yea, and it was Nana’s wish.

Cecily: Yea, I guess go ahead, Lavar Burton.

Levar B. Burton: Ah! Lavar B. Burton. Yes, that’s very important legally. Now, where was I?

[singing] I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky

[There’s a picture of Miriam Lewis and Levar B. Burton on screen]

Hey, that’s us.

Thinking about it every night and day

[There’s a picture of Miriam Lewis and Louis C.K. on screen]

Oh, no.

Spread my wings and fly away.

[There’s a picture of Miriam Lewis and Donald Trump on screen]

Andrew: Wow, she sure met a lot of celebrities.

[There’s a picture of Miriam Lewis and Kevin Spacey on screen]

Levar B. Burton: I believe I can fly

[There’s a picture of Miriam Lewis and Bill Cosby on screen]

That’s way too recent

[Cecily walks up to the stage and stops Levar B. Burton]

Cecily: I’m sorry. Thank you very much for coming, Lavar Burton.

Levar B. Burton: Oh, don’t forget that B in the middle.

Cecily: This may be what Nana wanted but this is not how we wanted to remember her.

Father: Look folks, I don’t know a lot about celebrities or rock n’ roll, and I’m sure Nana didn’t either. But she was just a sweet old lady who loved to see a show and I know she wanted a funeral that reflected that. Because I’ll never forget, right before she died, she looked at me straight in the eyes and said, “I believe I can fly.” And then she jumped.

Aidy: Yea, those gambling debts finally caught up to her.

Cecily: Oh, so that’s why she chose this song.

Levar B. Burton: So, you want me to finish it?

Cecily: No. Absolutely not. Why don’t you play Nana’s second favorite song instead?

Levar B. Burton: Oh, you got it.

[Music for the song ‘Ignition’ by R. Kelly starts playing]

Now, usually I don’t do this but why don’t we go on and break them up with a little piece of the remix?

[singing] It’s a remix to ignition, babe
patting fresh out the kitchen

[starts singing gibberish]

Lingerie Store

Aidy Bryant

Anya Taylor-Joy

Heidi Gardner

Frank… Beck Bennett

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Aidy and Anya speaking.]

Aidy: Big…

Anya: Breasts…

Aidy: Heavy…

Anya: Breasts…

Aidy: And every set of breasts needs…

Both: A brar.

Aidy: Are your watermelon sized bosoms doing the most?

Anya: Does your cup runneth over and onto the floor?

Aidy: Then come, get yourself a brar at Enid & Astrid’s Brawr Barn.

Anya: Located on avenue E & Jill Zarin blvd.

Aidy: Now, “What exactly is a brar?”, you ask. Well, bras are for boobies but brars are for breasts.

Anya: And if you don’t know about the store like this, good for you. Enjoy being able to jog.

Aidy: Yeah, we offer dazzling brar designs like these, [showing the brar] The Fortress. Goes so high, it’s a turtle neck. Strapped so wide, they could be jeans.

Anya: [showing another brar] The Straight Jacket. This brar comes with a patented five clasp enclosure.

Aidy: Yeah, which means if man’s taking it off, he’s going to need the jaws of life.

Anya: Or try the Load-Bearing Wall, made of miniature 2×4. It’s not an undergarment. It’s scaffolding.

Aidy: Yet designed by the same guys that unstuck the boat from the sewer’s canal.

[Heidi walks in]

Heidi: Hi, I need to buy a bra. I think I’m a 32.

Aidy: No, you’re not, honey.

Anya: No woman knows her brar size.

Aidy: Only we know. So, let me fit you. [Aidy starts touching Heidi’s breasts] Hmm. Okay. Okay. Cough. [Heidi coughs] Okay. Yes, so you’re a 28-Q. You have a difficult relationship with your mother and [taps her breasts] you’re pregnant.

Heidi: What?

Aidy: It’s a boy.

Heidi: How do you know that?

Anya: She just knows. Enjoy your bra.

Aidy: [pulls out a brar] We’re out of bag so you’re gonna just hold it loose, alright?

Heidi: Okay, thank you.

[Heidi leaves]

Aidy: Look, this is not a sexy store for froo-froo lingerie.

Anya: No. No one has ever had a sexual feeling in this store.

Aidy: This is a medical experience. We are one step away from a hospital.

Anya: And we even make some of our bras in house. Get out, you Frank.

[a guy with a welding machine and construction gear on comes in. He is carrying a metal brar in his hand.]]

Frank: Hey, how are you doing?

Aidy: Well, this is my husband. He’s in construction. He makes prisons.

Anya: And he also works here.

Frank: Each of these brars are built to last. Under wires from pure Pittsburgh steel. Brars so big, you can pour a cup of hot soup in and not spill a drop.

Aidy: In the summer! I have made paninis under my bra.

Frank: And to clean it, just hang in out the window of a car wash once a year.

Aidy: Alright, get back to work, Frank.

Frank: Alright. Bye, girls. Love you.

Anya: Who needs these bras? We do. That’s why it’s important that we create bras for every size and shape. Shape like Denny’s grand slam.

Aidy: Rorschach Test.

Anya: Wind Sock.

Aidy: Chicago Style. And of course, Penn & Teller.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Hi, I need a bra.

Aidy: Oh, you don’t, sweetie.

Anya: Move along, sweetie. No.

Aidy: You need a tank top, hun. This is not a place for you.

Chloe: Do you sell bralettes?

Aidy: Oh yeah, I can wear a bralette once at my cristening.

Chloe: Fine, I’ll just go to Victoria Secret, I guess.

Aidy: Oh, okay. Well, I know Victoria Secret, and it’s that she’s too intimidated to help me.

Anya: So, come on down to Astrid & Enid’s Brar Barn.

Aidy: Now, the signage is unclear. Know that.

Anya: And our store front is a bunch of fur coats. Ignore that.

Aidy: Now, you’re going to go up the stairs and you’re going to be like, “Is this apartments?” Ignore that.

Anya: And we don’t accept credit cards. We prefer personal checks and coins.

Aidy: Well, alright. Let’s do the song.

Anya: Alright.

[music playing]

Both: [singing] Big ones, bigger ones, the biggest of all

they’re brars!

Hollywood Squares

Tom Bergeron… Beck Bennett

Cammi… Aidy Bryant

Robert… Chris Redd

Baby Spice… Anya Taylor-Joy

Bill Cosby… Kenan Thompson

Jeff Dunham… Mikey Day

Mary-Kate… Chloe Fineman

Ashley Olsen… Heidi Gardner

Jared Fogle… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with GSN show schedule]

Female voice: GSN Retro Night continues at nine with 1971 episode of ‘Name That Tune’ followed by a 1953 episode of ‘Guess Her Weight’. But up next, a 1998 episode of Hollywood Squares.

[cut to the show stage]

Tom Bergeron: I’m Tom Bergeron. Welcome to Hollywood Squares. Our contestants today are Cami and Robert. [cheers and applause] And let’s say hello to our Hollywood celebrities.

[there are nine celebrities in the game]
[cheers and applause]

The game is simple. It’s Tic-tac-toe. Three in a row wins. Robert, you won the coin toss back stage. Pick a square.

Robert: I don’t like her music but I like the way she looks. Let’s go with Baby Spice.

Baby Spice: Yeah! Girl power, baby!

Tom Bergeron: Alright, Baby Spice, according to a recent survey of American students, what’s the least popular school subject.

Baby Spice: What school? I’m just a little baby. Kidding. Let’s say maths.

Robert: I’ll agree.

Tom Bergeron: Wise choice. It’s math. X gets the square. Cammy, pick a square.

Cammi: Okay, well, this is an easy one. Who doesn’t love this man? I am going with the center square America’s Dad, Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby: Look at me. I’m in the square.

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: In light of recent revelations concerning Bill Cosby, King World Productions has chosen to omit him from this rebroadcast. We rejoing the show after Mr. Cosby’s segment.

[cut to Tom Bergeron, Cammi and Robert laughing hard]

Tom Bergeron: Holy smokes. No one’s better than Bill Cosby. Best of all time. Okay, Cammi, Bill Cosby said Lacrosse is America’s oldest sport. Agree or disagree?

Cammi: One thing’s for sure, I trust Bill Cosby. Agree!

Tom Bergeron: Good instinct. Circle gets the square.

Baby Spice: Sorry, Tommy, can I just say to Mr. Cosby that I am such a huge fan and I admire you so–

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: At the personal request of Emma “Baby Spice” Bunton, her comments have been omitted from this rebroadcast.

[cut back to the stage]

Tom Bergeron: Wow, those were very kind words. Okay, Robert, pick a square.

Robert: Let’s go with Ventriloquist. Jeff Dunham and Jose Jalapeno.

Jeff Dunham: Hey, we’re thrilled to be here. Say hello, Jose.

[Jose is a puppet]
[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: Due to evolving societal standards on race, Kind World Productions has omitted all footage of Mr. Dunham providing voices for puppets of different ethnicities, including: Jose the Jalapeno, De’Shawn the piece of cornbread and Tan Yan the horniest man in Japan.  We’ll resume the game after Mr. Dunham’s material.

[cut back to the game stage]

Tom Bergeron: And X gets the square. Those were some funny puppets.

Robert: I didn’t love the voice Jeff did for DeShawn the cornbread.

Jeff Dunham: Hey, don’t look at me. That was him.

Robert: Nah, it was you.

Tom Bergeron: Cammi?

Cammi: Well, I love them on Full House. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen: You got it, dude.

Tom Bergeron: Mary Kate and Ashley’s latest directed video movie ‘Oops we recently flew to Paris’ is in stores now. Anyone seen it? I see Mr. Skinny himself, Jared Fogle is nodding.

Jared Fogle: I loved the movie so good.

Tom Bergeron: Did you bring the pants, Jared?

Jared Fogle: Oh, yeah. Can you believe I used to wear these? You could fit both Olsen twins in here.

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: In light of Jared Fogle’s crimes, the decision to place his square right next to the Olsen’s is unfortunate and therefore both squared have been omitted from this rebroadcast.

[Cut back to the stage]

Tom Bergeron: Alright. Circle gets the square.

Baby Spice: Sorry, can I just say what jared Fogle has done is incredible. And I’d like to give him a round of applause. Really–

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: Representatives for Emma ‘Baby Spice’ Bunton want to be clear that she was applauding Mr. Fogle’s weight loss and not his heinous crimes.

Tom Bergeron: Just a reminder, our secret square is still unclaimed. Let’s tell the folks at home which star can nab you some bonus cash.

Female voice: The secret square is Matt Lauer.

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: Who has been omitted from this broadcast.

[Cut back to the stage]

Tom Bergeron: Okay, Robert, you pick.

Robert: I take Kevin Spacey.

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: Due to the problematic nature of most of our squares, the remainder of this episode has been omitted from the re-broadcast.

[Cut back to the stage, Tom Bergeron is with Cammi]

Tom Bergeron: Well, congrats to our winner, Cammy, who’s taking home a Subaru Outback. Say goodbye, Squares.

Prom Show

Katie Sterack… Heidi Gardner

PJ Rube… Bowen Yang

Jacob Schneeb… Keegan-Michael Key

Danny Spooge… Kyle Mooney

Chloe Fineman

Ted Vinegret… Andrew Dismukes

Lexi… Ego Nwodim

Michelle… Melissa Villaseñor

Mr. Miller… Pete Davidson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Live from the Brandy Melville ball room. It’s the Braxton high school prom red carpet.

[Cut to Katie Sterack and PJ Rube. Katie Sterack is holding a crutch.]

PJ Rube: Hello and welcome to this year’s red carpet coverage from Tamar Braxton High senior prom. I’m thirsty junior PJ Rube.

Katie Sterack: And I’m Katie Sterack.

PJ Rube: Katie, what happened to your leg?

Katie Sterack: Oh, I was making out under the bleachers and they folded up on me.

PJ Rube: Rough. Well, here to give us the scoop on what’s happening inside prom is super senior Jacob Schneeb.

[Cut to Jacob Schneeb.]

Jacob Schneeb: What’s up, guys? Schneeb here at the Annie Young Memorial chocolate fountain. She didn’t die. She moved.

PJ Rube: Now Schneeb, this is your third senior year because you’re in every club. But you just can’t pass pre-algebra.

Jacob Schneeb: Yeah, right. I do show choir, calligraphy, and I’m the only one strong enough to toss all the cheer leaders. So, there’s no time for class.

PJ Rube: Thanks, Schneeb. And I’m hearing we have our first arrival. It’s Danny Spooge and a mystery date who is out of his league.

Katie Sterack: Danny, congratulations on a date way hotter than you. Tell us, how did you bag?

Danny Spooge: She’s home schooled. So, she don’t know how hot she is.

PJ Rube: Home schooled. Okay. Then I got to ask. Hippie or crazy religious?

Chloe: Nothing crazy. Our bible is only eight pages and my uncle drew it.

PJ Rube: That’s insane. Schneeb, back to you.

Jacob Schneeb: Well, breaking news. I have a freshman at prom! Kid, tell us who you are and how the hell you’re here?

Ted Vinegret: I’m Ted Vinegret. I’m Katie Sterack4 and I met my date because she babysat me last year.

Jacob Schneeb: So, Ted, you are presenting tonight.

Ted Vinegret: What do you mean?

Jacob Schneeb: I can see your boner.

Ted Vinegret: Oh, sorry.

Jacob Schneeb: It’s fine. Enjoy the night. Back to you guys.

Katie Sterack: Okay. We’re here with a big group of popular kids.  Where did you take pictures tonight?

Lexi: We lined up in front of my step mom’s huge TV. We made it look like a fireplace.

Chris: Then we piled into a nasty white Hummer limo. I poked my head out of the roof and just screamed.

Beck: Yes. First, we stopped for beautiful 4PM dinner at Red Robin. Tipped 12% because we ballers.

PJ Rube: Lexi, you look absolutely disgusting tonight.

Lexi: Thank you.

PJ Rube: What are you wearing?

Lexi: Green.

PJ Rube: Who is it by?

Lexi: Mall.

PJ Rube: Okay. Can you explain this peekaboo moment here? [pointing at her dress]

Lexi: Oh! I don’t have a mom so no one’s honest with me.

Katie Sterack: Before you go. Any prom king prediction?

Beck: Me because I’m on lacrosse but I also did the plays.

Katie Sterack: Absolutely. Schnebe, what you got cooking?

Jacob Schneeb: Well, it doesn’t get any more prom than this. It’s two dorks who bang. Now, I got to tell you, there are a lot of dorks who bang, what makes you two special?

Aidy: Well, we met in stage crew, but then we discovered that we’re both in band.

Mikey: And yes, now we have full sex everyday.

Jacob Schneeb: Oh, wow. Congratulations. So, tell us about the ribbon you’re wearing. What is is raising awareness for?

Aidy: My mom’s ribbon store.

Jacob Schneeb: Oh, of course. Which reminds me, tonight’s prom is brought to you by Water Bottles! Put the alcohol in the bottle and say it’s water! Strapless bra, by the end of the night, your bra is a belt with a strapless bra! And of course, Hand Stuff, stay pure by doing Hand Stuff. Katie.

Katie Sterack: Okay. I’m being told that party bus has unloaded. Let’s see who’s just got in the prom.

PJ Rube: It’s Michelle Shugi. Michelle, you got a really intense spray tan. Are you worried this is a hate crime?

Michelle: No. I’m Puerto Rican. So, we in the clear.

PJ Rube: Quick moving, Shugi, because here comes Mr. Miller, the hot stuff who’s 23.

[Mr. Miller walks in]

Katie Sterack: We heard you’re doing the SATs this year, is that true?

Mr. Miller: Yeah, or I might just put on Tokyo Drift.

Katie Sterack: Mr. Miller, I had a dream that you pushed me in the pool. How f’ed up is that?

Mr. Miller: Not that F. Anyway, I should head inside. I’m supposed to be the Chaperone.

Jacob Schneeb: Well, guys, I just got some terrible news. I passed pre-algebra and now I have to graduate.

Katie Sterack: Ah, Schneeb!

PJ Rube: We’re so sorry.

Jacob Schneeb: It’s okay. All I ask is…

[singing] Don’t you forget about Schneeb

No More Masks Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Lauren Holt

Punkine Johnson

Andrew Dismukes

Chloe Fineman

Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

Chris Redd

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci at a podium of press conference] [cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: It’s your boy Fauci, the patron saint of Purell. As you’ve probably heard, we’ve got some very good news this week and I’m not just talking about J-Lo and Ben Affleck. The CDC announced that people who are vaccinated no longer need to wear a mask. Outdoors or indoors. Pretty great, right? But a lot of people have questions. Such as – What does that mean? What the hell are you talking about? Is this a trap? So, to clear things up, I found a few doctors at the CDC who minored in theater and I asked them to re-enact various scenarios to demonstrate correct mask behavior. And remember, they only have 24 hours to put this little show together. So, please welcome the CDC players and their first scene, man walks into a bar.

[Aidy and Beck are standing. Aidy is not wearing a mask while Beck is wearing a mask.]

Aidy: Welcome to a bar.

Beck: Thank you. Do I still have to wear a mask indoors?

Aidy: You actually do not.

Beck: Great! [opens his mask]

Aidy: Well, as long as you’re vaccinated.

Beck: No, I’m not.

Aidy: Oh, then that’s bad.

Beck: Well, I’m entering a bar at Dr. Anthony FauciDr. Anthony FauciAM. Did you really think I was Vaxed? Because that’s on you.

Aidy: You’re right. I deserve covid.

Beck: And scene.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. I don’t know if that’s the right takeaway. The real point is we have to trust each other. So, please be honest and respectful. Let’s see how that plays out. And on our next scene, the friendly skies.

[Cut to Bowen and Ego. Bowen is wearing a mask and Ego is not wearing a mask.]

Bowen: Stewardess, may I have another scotch on the rocks? I’m a businessman and I need it to relax from business.

Ego: You can have a scotch, but when you’re not drinking it, you need to keep your mask on.

Bowen: Good to know. By the way, I’ve been stuck inside for over a year. Want to bang?

Ego: You know I do, king.

Bowen: Then hop on. Let’s go for a real ride.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Stop this. Thank you. The lesson should have been you need masks on planes, not everybody horny now. A lot of folks are also wondering about larger groups or gathering. So, let’s see an example of that.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]

Alex: I’m concerned. This is a pretty large gathering. Should we be wearing masks?

Cecily: We don’t have to because we’re outside … the Capitol building. [pulls out a gun] Now, let’s get them.

Alex: [wears MAGA hat on] Right behind you.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That was very specific example but accurate in terms of masks. Now, what about retail businesses? How do you protect front line workers who may or may not be vaccinated. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Lauren and Punkie. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]

Punkie: Hi there, can I come into your store?

Lauren: Yes. But I’m still asking customers to wear masks respectfully.

Punkie: But I don’t need a mask. I’m gay.

Lauren: And I’m an ally. Come on in. The first hotdog is on me.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. That’s not how that works. Being an ally is great but it’s got nothing to do with mask safety. Also, she run a hotdog store? That left me with more questions than answer. Okay, next, we have two young folks who started dating during the pandemic.

[Cut to Andrew and Chloe. They are both wearing masks]

Andrew: This is exciting. We’re dining outside, so we can definitely take our masks off.

[both of them pull their masks off]

Chloe: Oh, no. I don’t like the bottom of your face. It looks like you grew moles under your mask.

Andrew: So, mask back on?

Chloe: No. It’s too late. I already saw it. Now, it’s all I can think about.

Andrew: Then what if you put your mask over your eyes?

Chloe: [covers her face with the mask] Ah! That’s nice. You look like a blue man.

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: And freeze! [Andrew and Chloe stops moving] We cut to an actual blue man’s apartment. His roommate’s like, “Ah, can you stop it with drumming? I’m trying to get some sleep.”

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I think that’s the doctor that takes improv classes because that’s what everyone wants the doctor to do. Improvise. Alright, next we have a delicate situation riding New York city transit.

[Cut to Melissa and Pete. Melissa is wearing a mask and Pete is not wearing a mask.]

Pete: Wow, I’m so excited to be back on the subway.

Melissa: Me too. But you should know, masks are so required on buses, ferries and subways.

Pete: Oh, cool. But my question is where should I masturbate? Because buses, ferries and subways all sound like great options.

Melissa: You shouldn’t do that anywhere, sir.

Pete: Don’t worry. I’ll put a mask on it first.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: He missed a golden opportunity to say, “Thanks for the tip.” Another big question mark is schools. Maybe this will help.

[Cut to Cecily and Chris]

Chris: Hi. I’m here to pick up a student. Do I need to put on a mask?

Cecily: No. Fully vaccinated parents do not need a mask.

Chris: But do I need to be a parent?

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. No. Stop. We’re going to stop that one already. Thank you. And this next one, I’m told is more of a riddle.

[Cut to Kyle, Kenan, Heidi and Mikey]

Kenan: Hi. We’re four friends from three different households.

Mikey: We’re all half vaxed and traveling by train from Florida to the UK.

Kyle: One of us is old and severely at risk.

Heidi: And one of us is a baby.

Kenan: So, how many of us should wear masks and in which order?

Kenan: And go!

[four of them start shuffling their places] [Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No idea what’s that supposed to demonstrate. And now, it’s time for the big finale entitled ‘Society is good again, a vision for the future’.

[Cut to Beck, Aidy, Ego and Bowen dancing]

Beck: Wow, everything is fine now.

Aidy: eVerybody got the vaccine. So, we never need masks again.

Bowen: I’m using my old mask as a parachute for my hamster.

Ego: I’m using two of mine as a bikini

Beck: I’m using one of mine as a bikini.

Aidy: I guess when we come together as a society, we can solve anything.

All: Whoo!

Beck: Now, let’s talk about Israel.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That seems like a good place to end. So, in summary, please, everyone get your vaccine and enjoy life with no masks. Except this audience, you got to keep them on.

[other casts join\

All: An life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Wario

Plaintiff attorney…Heidi Gardner

Luigi… Kyle Mooney

Judge… Cecily Strong

Defense attorney… Mikey Day

Wario… Elon Musk

Waluigi… Kate McKinnon

Princess Peach… Chloe Fineman

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Mario… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a case running in the court room]

Plaintiff attorney: And I know this is difficult, but were you present at the time of your brother’s murder?

Luigi: I was.

Plaintiff attorney: And how exactly was he a-killed? Sorry. Killed.

Luigi: We had a friendly race in the gocart. Then someone threw a bananapeel at Mario. His car spin out. He wiped all over the pavement. I hear noise like — [the sound of Mario dying in game plays] And I knew my brother was dead.

Plaintiff attorney: And is the person who threw banana peel present in the courtroom at this moment.

Luigi: [pointing] He!

Judge: Alright. Let the record show that the witness has indicated Wario, the evil Mario.

Defense attorney: Objection.

Judge: I’m sorry. The other Mario.

Plaintiff attorney: The prosecution rests, your honor.

Luigi: He a monster.

Wario: I’m afraid.

Defense attorney: Don’t worry. This is why they pay me the big bucks.

Judge: Would the defense like to call it’s first witness?

Defense attorney: We would, your honor. The defense calls Wario. Wario, is it true as many have put forward today that you are evil?

Wario: No. I am not evil. I’m just misunderstood. Some of the anti-Italian hate rate in this courtroom is disgusting.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection. His accent is really bringing it on himself.

Judge: Sustained. Watch it, Wario.

Defense attorney: You know, funny you should mention his accent. Your honor, I’d like to submit as evidence Wario’s Super Mario wiki fan page and this is all real.

Wario: People are so mean online.

Defense attorney: First, the section entitled ‘personality’ and see if this doesn’t sound defamatory to my client’s character. “Wario is generally lazy, ruthless and greedy. He is foul and smelly, as he eats a lot of garlic, his favorite food.” Wow! Racist much?

Plaintiff attorney: Objection! He is eating garlic right now.

Defense attorney: Let’s just keep reading. Shall we? Here’s a section titled ‘friends’. “Wario has almost never been seen with friends. The only person who hangs out with him is Waluigi, the evil Luigi.”

Waluigi: And I don’t appreciate that description. I Waluigi. It’s like a weird Luigi. Not an evil Luigi. Not at all.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection, how is any of this relevant?

Defense attorney: It goes toward how my client is unfairly painted as a villain. Listen to his theme song.

[Wario’s theme songs plays. He starts dancing.]

Judge: Alright. I’ll have order in this court.

[Judge hits the table with a gavel. The sound of the gavel is that of when Mario hits coin brick.]

Defense attorney: Wario, you know Mario better than anyone.

Wario: He’s just like me, only different colors. And I’m a little fatter.

Defense attorney: Did Mario have a dark side?

Wario: Yes. He started eating mushrooms. At first it was micro-dosing. And then it became macro-dosing. And sometimes he was flashing like he was invincible. That’s when he was on cocaine.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection.

Judge: Overruled. This is fun.

Defense attorney: And was there anything off between him and Luigi?

Wario: Yes. I hate for it to come out like this but Luigi was sleeping with Princess Peach, Mario’s wife.

[Luigi and Princess Peach get angry]

Luigi: You lie. We never sleep together.

Princess Peach: I never touch him under the overall.

Defense attorney: Hah! If what you say is true, how do you explain these text messages. “Hey Luigi, my faucet’s dripping. I need a plumber who can really lay some pipe.” From Luigi, three:seventeen AM, “U up? I am…” And then he sent this video.

[The video shows Luigi’s penis getting an erection. The sound of Mario’s growing plays.]

Defense attorney: And I don’t think I need to tell you what the growing noise means.

Luigi: You are son of a bitch. Your ruin my life!

[Luigi pulls out a turtle]

Princess Peach: Luigi, no!

Judge: He’s got a red turtle shell.

[Andrew Cuomo walks in]

Andrew Cuomo: Hello. I’m governor Andrew Cuomo.

Wario: And I’m Wario.

Andrew Cuomo: And we are two misunderstood Italian Americans.

Wario: I’m actually Japanese, but okay.

Andrew Cuomo: Sure. Please don’t believe the horrible stereotypes. You see, in Mario world, some of the bad guys are even called “Goombas”.

[Mario walks in]

Mario: And I’m regular Mario. Don’t worry about me. Sure, I died. But I still got three lives left. [starts dancing]

Andrew Cuomo: And hopefully, so do I.

[Cut to Italian-American Anti-Defamation League logo]

Male voice: This has been a message from  Italian-American Anti-Defamation League

Cartoon Wario: Ane me, Wario! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Ooli Show

Barn… Mikey Day

Ooli… Chloe Fineman

Ragnorok… Elon Musk

Frances McDormand… Kate McKinnon

Steve Buscemi… Pete Davidson

Bjork… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Iceland Public Television.

[Cut to show intro]

Male voice: Pop culture. Bops. Celebrities. Games. Candy. It’s the “Ooli show”.

[Cut to Barn]

Barn: And now, let meet host, Iceland’s number one social media star, Ooli.

[Cut to Barn]

Ooli: Hello and welcome to the Ooli show. Pretty cool. I’m Ooli and this is my side guy, Barn.

Barn: We got big show today, Ooli.

Ooli: So cool. Iceland’s number one comedy duo is here. Thobo and Graptor.

[Cut to Ragnorok and Frances. They just groan.] [Cut back to Ooli]

Ooli: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hilarious. So, you have a good weekend, Barn?

Barn: Yes. I visited my elf shrine, Ooli. I left a tiny sausage for them.

Ooli: Aw, so cute. You have to keep the elfs happy or they spill your shoes. Oh, I see my producer Ragnorok is trying to get my attention. What’s wrong? Did I mess something?

Ragnorok: You? Ha-ha-ha. Never. I just can’t hold it any longer, Ooli. I’m in love with you. Please, will you be my girlfriend?

Ooli: Aw, Ragnorok, you’re so silly. But no. Okay, time to say, “What’s up, y’all?”, to our big celebrity star, Frances McDormand.

[Frances walks in. Barn, Ooli and Ragnorok are dancing]

Frances: Are you going to stop dancing or are we–? [They don’t stop] Okay.

Ooli: Yeah! [after dancing a while, Ooli and Barn take their seats] So, Frances, welcome to the ‘Ooli Show’. What’s bringing you to Iceland?

Frances: I’m here to buy more Gray Sack dresses. Ha-ha-ha. I’m out of Gray Sacks.

Ooli: Wow. Pretty cool.

Frances: So, what is this? People really watch this show?

Ooli: Yes. Well, I was just like this normal Icelandinc girl. But then tit popped out during Prince Phillip funeral. So, now they gave me show. Lucky, it was my good tit. So, tell me about your movie “Nomad Land”.

Frances: Well, you know, it’s a look at how the great recession impacted the American dream.

Ooli: Oh, wow. That sound boring. Okay, time for a quick hat. [Ooli wears a red hat] Is my hat funny?

Barn: [laughing alone] Ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah! Frances?

Frances: Uh, yeah, sure.

Ooli: And now, a very quick word from our sponsor, Barn?

Barn: Well, the Ooli show is sponsored by “Cousin Checker” app. How many times have you found out too late that your lover is your cousin? In Iceland, it happens a lot. Cousin Checker tells you if you’re cousins before you get passed second base. Download now.

Ooli: Okay, Ragnorok, you keep waving your arms. Don’t ask me to be your girlfriend again.

Ragnorok: No, I promise.

Ooli: Okay good, go ahead.

Ragnorok: Be my girlfriend. I have a little bit of money but lots of goats and ponies.

Ooli: Okay. I love ponies. They’re very, very cute. But still, a hard no. Okay. Let’s bring out our next guest. Give a big hand to our American movie guest, Steve Buscemi.

[Steve walks in. Barn and Ooli are dancing]

Frances: Yes. So, since he’s here, can I leave? Because I would love to leave.

Ooli: No way. You have to stay the whole time. So, Steve Cemi, you seem like a cool American guy like Bart Simpson. Bad boy Bart Simpson kind of guy, yes?

Barn: Yeah. Like, American kind of Scooby Doo kind of guy. Roller Coaster Pizza Pie guy.

Steve: Thanks.

Ooli: You have a new movie coming out?

Steve: No, I don’t.

Barn: Wow, so cool. Okay, Ragnorok, what now?

Ragnorok: Ooli, I think of all the good times we could have, eating fermented calk in the nude.

Ooli: Okay, Ragnorok, stop. Cousin Check told us we were cousins.

Ragnorok: Exactly. We have so much in common.

Ooli: Ha-ha. Awkward. Now, we have one more special surprise. It’s a little baby song. Please welcome Iceland’s most and only famous musician, BJork!

[Cut to BJork] [music playing]

BJork: This song is about tiny, tiny bird.

[singing badly] Hi, little tiny bird
with a giant heart

Thank you.

Ooli: Wow. Beautiful. After the break, with more Steve and Frances.

Frances: Oh, I still can’t leave?

Ooli: No. No way. Stick around for more Ooli show. Bye bye.