Baby Clothes

Bowen Yang

Jerrod Carmichael

Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

Andrew Dismukes

Cara.. Heidi Gardner

[Starts with adults enjoying watching their babies]

Bowen: Cara, It’s  so sweet. You got these onesies for all the kids.

Cara: You know he’s gonna be a heartbreaker just like his dad.

Chloe: Oh, look, they’re like a tiny little baby couple.

Chris: Or, not to assume. Maybe that’s weird for you guys.[Because Bowen and Jerrod are a gay couple] Sorry.

Bowen: No, we think it’s cute.

Female voice: You love seeing your little one as a future heartbreaker. But what if you don’t want to assume your baby’s going to be straight? Now you don’t have to. With the new “Born This Way” line from Osh Kosh F*Gosh. Your little Tyke will look adorable without being so exclusive. With sayings like “Future twink”, “Lil Lez”, “Messy DJ” and “In the closet because I can’t walk.”

Cara: Doesn’t he look great. I pray to God My son is gay.

Chris: I know. I would love that.

Female voice: Born This Way has designes your baby will love. Like wordplay.

Chloe: Rock-a-bi baby.

Cara: My mommy had a daddy.

Female voice: Political statemets.

Chris: I love milk… Harvey Milk. Rip.

Jerrod: Silence equals violence but crying equals hungry.

Bowe: Alexander Hamilton was a turf.

Female voice: And Butch.

Andrew: Aw, that is this? A tiny belt loop or a ring of keys? The slaves.

Chris: Some parents force their kids to wear a little sports jerseys. My son can be whoever he wants.

Jerrod: Imagine boxing a child into something that doesn’t feel right. I would hate that.

Cara: It’s so archaic to pierce your baby’s ears for baptism. Our kids will never have to confirm to something they don’t want. Thanks, Born This Way.

Chloe: Aw, it looks like they’re dating.

Andrew: Oh please, they’re not exclusive. You know how gay guys are.

Female voice: Born This Way, from Osh Kosh F*gosh. Oh relax, it’s not like they can read.

White House TikTok Meeting Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Chloe Fineman

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Dismukes

Jen Psaki… Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: This week as the warring Ukraine intensified, access to Facebook and Instagram in the country were shut off leaving only one source of information, TikTok. So on Thursday, the White House responded by holding a national security briefing with some of the nation’s top TikTok creators. We take you now inside that historic meeting.

[Cut to TikTok creators inside White House with President Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Thank you all so much for coming and answering your nation’s call in time and need.

TikToker 1: Oh, yeah, sure.

TikToker 2: Hey, no problem.

TikToker 3: I’m 14.

TikToker 4: Our schedules are super flexible.

TikToker 5: Yeah. And we love White House.

Jason Derulo: [singing] Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: I also want to thank my Press Secretary Jen Psaki for having the vision to set this up.

Jen Psaki: I suggested it as a joke and then it actually happened.

Joe Biden: People are saying this is the first war fought on TikTok which is tough for me because I’m the landline of presidents. That’s why I need you. Okay. I understand Putin. I understand war. There’s one thing I don’t understand, computer.

Jen Psaki: He means technology but he says computer.

Joe Biden: Computer very mean to me. Computer always asked to run an update right when I turn computer on. Whenever I type in “Malarkey”, Computer say “Did you mean magenta?”

Jen Psaki: The point is we need fresh ideas from you guys about how we can win the information war on social media. So yeah, you.

TikToker 1: Hey, guys, I’m an actress from the CW.

Joe Biden: Great, what’s your name?

TikToker 1: Actress from the CW. And while Putin might have tanks and bombs, there’s something even more powerful we can attack him with, poems.

Jen Psaki: Oh, no, it’s that girl.

TikToker 1: [music playing in the background]

Dear Vladimir Putin. If I was your mother, I would have loved you more. If I was your wife, I would have been so, so, so mad at you. If I was your baby brother, I–

Jen Psaki: Thank you. Thank you. I think– yeah, we got it. Do you have any actual useful suggestions?

TikToker 1: Sure. Here are five ways to stop the war in Ukraine. [dancing]

Joe Biden: What’s happening? Do you see anything?

Jen Psaki: I think she’s expecting text to show up.

Joe Biden: All right. Then you, what’s your thing?

TikToker 5: Oh, me? Let’s just say I do raps and pranks. Maybe you’ve heard of my squad “The BooBoo boys”.

Jen Psaki: I think you know the President has never heard of the BooBoo boys.

Joe Biden: Wait a second. The BooBoo boys? Don’t you live in the Crenshaw house with one nut Kevin and dumbass Larry?

TikToker 5: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, we got a BooBoo head.

Joe Biden: Y’all, y’all, one time they prank the dude and threw him down five flights of stairs. It was hilarious.

Jen Psaki: That sounds like an amazing hobby.

TikToker 5: Yeah, we made $30 million last year.

Jen Psaki: God, I hate this world. Did you have a plan for how to defeat Putin?

TikToker 5: Yeah, I’m cooking some up.

Jen Psaki: Is it pushing him down a flight of stairs?

TikToker 5: It is.

Jen Psaki: All right. That’s cool. What about you?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: Yeah, I know. That’s your name. What do you do?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: I’m skipping you. You’re You’re skipped.

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: Hey. How about your little girl? You look incredibly cute.

TikToker 3: Me? Thank you. I do silly animal makeup for kids.

Joe Biden: Well, that’s adorable. Oh, what do you think we could do to win this war?

TikToker 3: Oh, you mean the one started by your son Hunter Biden? With his pal that Burisma? Where’s the laptop? Is he in this room?

Jen Psaki: Okay, thank you. Thank you, honey.

Joe Biden: You don’t expect the animal makeup girl to be all right. Who’s this random middle aged guy?

TikToker 2: Oh, yeah. Hello. My name is Charles F. Emilio. I’m a roofer from Pittsburgh.

Joe Biden: Why are you here?

TikToker 2: I don’t know. I suspect you may have confused me for Charli D’Amelio, the Joe BidenJason Derulo year old girl with Joe BidenTikToker 20 million followers on the TikTok.

Jen Psaki: That sounds right.

TikToker 2: So I tell you what, I’m gonna head out. But first, you don’t have to have an extra one of those COVID Steamy chicks laying around by any chance. Do you?

Joe Biden: I’m afraid not.

Jen Psaki: We don’t, I’m sorry.

TikToker 2: All right. All right. Well, good luck with the World War and not that you care what a roofer thinks about Putin, but maybe you should put someone up on a roof and ping-pong-pow-pow-pow. [Hand gesture showing shooting with gun] Y’all have a good one.

Joe Biden: Thank you.

Jen Psaki: All right, it’s down to you. What do you do?

TikToker 4: Who, me? Oh, I just go up behind people on the street with this weird pipe thing and I go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: What would you do about Ukraine?

TikToker 4: Um, I would go up behind the Russian tanks and go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Jen Psaki: How did you get here today?

TikToker 4: You flew me first class from California. And on the plane I went up behind the pilot and said “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: That’s actually the best plan I’ve heard so far.

[TikToker 7 walks in]

TikToker 7: Hang on. You haven’t heard from me. Sorry, I’m late guys. Some reason security was giving me a hard time.

Joe Biden: Okay, this is awesome. Who the heck are you?

TikToker 7: Oh, I’m just that guy who does a bunch of insane tricks using the toilet plunger stuck to my nipples. In terms of the most famous people on TikTok, it’s like me and Reese Witherspoon.

Jen Psaki: We were actually about to wrap this meeting up because it was clearly a bad idea.

TikToker 7: Hey, don’t do that. Don’t just yank the plunger off the nipple like that. The idea of asking TikTok stars how to fight Russia might sound like a joke. Remember, they said the same thing about the radio and World War II. Never underestimate the importance of new technology. We haven’t reaches young people in ways you can never understand. TikTok is in some childish gimmick. It has more power and more influence than the nightly news.

Joe Biden: That was truly inspiring, young man.

TikToker 7: I’m 55. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna move this plunger to my crotch attach a knife at the end and try to slice an apple in half. God bless America.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Blue River

Rebecca… Cecily Strong

Jenny… Heidi Gardner

Daniel… John Mulaney

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Rebecca and Jenny bumping into each other at a grocery store at pet section]

Rebecca: Oh! Sorry. Jenny!

Jenny: Oh, Rebecca! Hi. Looks like we’re both buying dog food today.

Rebecca: Well, not really. I’m buying Blue River dog food, which is real food, which my Gunther really appreciates. Right, buddy? I mean, have you ever looked at the ingredients on that big name dog food you’re buying?

Jenny: They seem fine to me.

Rebecca: Really? Okay. Well, then, why don’t you read them out loud? In front of your dog?

Jenny: Okay. Corn, chicken, corn gluten meal.

Rebecca: Sorry, what is that? [mocking] Corn gluten meal?

Jenny: No. I think you heard me. How much do you pay for Blue River? Like, $80?

Rebecca: It’s not $80. It’s $73.99. It’s actually only 32 cents more a day than what you pay monthly?

Jenny: No, it’s not.

Rebecca: Actually it is. If you take the difference in the prices between the two bags and divide that by 28, 28 days in a month, right? Seven days in a week. Correct?

Jenny: Correct. Correct.

Rebecca: Yeah, right.

Jenny: I should be going okay.

[Jenny tries to leave, but Rebecca keeps her holding]

Rebecca: 28. 28 days, four weeks is a month, right? So divided by 28, which we both agreed this month, it comes out to 32 cents a day monthly. I guess I wouldn’t be like bragging about all the savings because it’s actually not as much as you think.

Jenny: No! That math doesn’t make sense.

Rebecca: Oh, you don’t think so? Why don’t we ask my husband? Daniel!

Jenny: Oh my god! I don’t care.

[Daniel walks in. He looks at Jenny’s dog food and looks disappointed]

Daniel: Oh my god. You’re not planning on feeding that to your fur baby, are you?

Jenny: She likes it, okay? And I’m saving money.

Daniel: 32 cents a day monthly? That’s worth it to you? For your dog not to be able to walk?

[Jenny’s dog is a pug. She has kept her dog on her grocery stroller cart.] [sad music playing]

Rebecca: [being emotional] Oh my god. That’s why the dog’s been in the stupid cart. It can’t walk because of the food. The dog has just been sitting there and I think subconsciously, I knew what that meant the whole time, but I wasn’t even ready to show that to myself to show me that.

Jenny: Okay, look, she can walk.

Daniel: [yelling] People like you should be hung in a public square. [looking at Rebecca] Okay, look at me. I can fix this.

Rebecca: [sobbing] I just feel like these animals have no voice. Who will be their voice?

Daniel: You will. Rebecca Anbush. Look at me. Look at Gunther. Look at prime time. Look at Wantan. Look at Alexander. You always, always have been their advocates and their voice more than anyone, anyone who’s ever lived.

Rebecca: I know. I know. But it’s like it’s too late. I mean, the dog can’t walk. It’s just sitting there humiliated.

Daniel: He will walk. If it starts eating Blue River today. Now for the love of God. Look your dog in the eye and listen for the first time in your life.

Jenny: Fine! Felicity What do you want?

[Rebecca goes to Jenny’s back and whispers in her hear]

Rebecca: I want Blue River dog food, mommy.  Feed me Blue River dog food, mommy. I wanna walk. It’s only 32 cents more a day monthly. I don’t want a corn gluten meal. Listen.

[Chloe walks in looking at Jenny]

Chloe: Do it! Do it! Do the right thing. It’s not too late.

Jenny: Oh my god. Fine. I will buy the Blue River, okay? [She puts in the Blue River dog food] May I go now please?

Daniel: Definitely.

Rebecca: God, we just saved that dog’s life.

Daniel: Not we. You. And you know what else? I think I’m ready to do it. I think I’m finally ready to make love to you.

Rebecca: What? It’s working?

Daniel:  If this is what I think it is, it’s working.

Rebecca: Everyone! He says it’s working.

[Everyone is cheering for them]

Chloe: Congratulations.

Rebecca: We’ll go really slow.

Daniel: Thank you.

Male voice: Blue River dog food, if you want your dog to ever walk again.

Tenant MeetingTenant Meeting

Alex Moffat

Chloe Fineman

Ms. Delessio… Sarah Sherman

Ms. Quincy… Ego Nwodim

Mrs. Wilton… Heidi Gardner

Jamarcus… Chris Redd

Kevin… Mikey Day

Clark… Bowen Yang

Chet Fillmore… Willem Dafoe

Mr. Milos… Aristotle Athari

Tommy… Pete Davidson

Jan Krang… Aidy Bryant

Mr. Carson… Kenan Thompson

Mrs. Baumann… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with tenants having a meeting]

Alex: Okay everyone, welcome to the first tenants Association meeting of 2022. I know we usually have coffee and Dunkin munchkins at these meetings, but I forgot to pick them up.

Punkie: Then why am I even here? Shame on you.

Chloe: Wow, she left. Okay, well, we will now hear tenant complaints and concerns. But remember we are all neighbors in this building. So let’s please keep it civil. Yes, Ms. Delessio from unit 7-E.

Ms. Delessio: [showing a paper] What the hell is this? You raised my maintenance fee up $12 this month.

Alex: We had to fix a leak in the roof.

Ms. Delessio: Well, this just in. I don’t live on the roof, so I’m not paying it.

Alex: We’re just gonna send you another bill. Next Ms. Quincy from 2-F.

Ms. Quincy: Hello. I would like to formally ask the board’s permission to kill my neighbor’s loud, stupid, yappy dog.

Chloe: Obviously permission is denied.

Ms. Quincy: Bitch, I don’t need it. I was asking as a courtesy.

Chloe: Miss Quincy. No. Yes, Mrs. Wilton.

Mrs. Wilton: I am livid. Right now. The laundry machines in this building are a disgrace. I wash my 13 year old son’s socks every week, but a day later, tada, they turn hard is the rock. [banging the table with the sock] Hear that? Hear that? I will go to the news with this if the machines are not fixed. Thank you and goodbye.

Alex: Yikes. Okay, looks like our doorman, Jamarcus wants to say something.

Jamarcus: Hey, folks, hey. This is for all the white tenants. Not all of you, but a lot of you. I’m not sure how it started. But many of you have come to believe my name is Jamarcus. It is not. My name is Robert and I let it slide at first. But it seems like it’s catching on. I want to just nip it in the bud. Thank you.

Chloe: Thank you Jamarcus. Next Kevin and Clark from 8-C?

Kevin: Yes. I have a question. [singing] When is the building talent show?

Clark: Tuesday?

Kevin: What time does it start, I have to know

Clark:5 to midnight.

Kevin:Is there food?

Clark:No.

Kevin:Are there drinks?

Clark: No.

Kevin:Well, who’s performing

Clark:Just so far?

Kevin and Clark:So sign up today

Clark: You were off key.

Kevin: What?

Clark: You were off key!

Kevin: No, Clark! Wait.

Alex: Wow, that should be fun, huh? Okay, next.

Chet Fillmore: For those who don’t know me, I’m Chet Fillmore. I bought the top three floors of this building in 1971 for $1. And I’ve been a pain in the ass ever since. My question is what the hell happened to this city? What’s the danger, man? Was the art? Back in my days, it was all pimps and whores, junkies and perverts all over Time Square. Man, it was great. It goes CBGBs and Iggy Pop would puke on your face and we liked it. Where did that city go, man?

Alex: No idea. And what is your question?

Chet Fillmore: I don’t have one. I just want to be a pain in the ass.

Chloe: Okay, well, thank you Mr. Fillmore. Yes, next.

Melissa: Hi. I just moved to the city. I’m new. I’m loving it. I’m in 5-F, the 300 square foot studio with no toilet and no windows. My question is what is my $600,000 rent due?

Chloe: On the first of the month. And welcome to the building. Next Mr. Milos.

Mr. Milos: Yes sir. Google Translate. [foreign language] feed on us ketosis to hit

Google translate: I need to milk faucet, so make destruction.

Alex: Mr. Milos. I’m sorry, we don’t quite understand.

Mr. Milos: Yes, I start? Thank you so much.

Chloe: No, no, no. Wait. He’s gonna take down another wall. Okay, I see our building super is here with an update on the Rhoden situation. Tommy, how is the rat problem?

Tommy: Bad.

Alex: Okay, thank you Tommy. And next– Sorry, remind me of your name again.

Jan Krang: Jan Krang. J-A-N K-RANG. Unit nine-A. A as in Ana delas armas. And I move that we ban all teens from the building. They gather outside my apartment to have white claws and do 69ers.

Chloe: Ms. Krang, we cannot ban teens from the building, so please give it up. Yes, Mr. Young.

Mr. Young: When will Varizon install the friggin FIOS? It’s been 10 years.

Chloe: They’re working on it sir. Yes, Hello boys, next.

Jeremy: What’s up? What’s good? What’s up? We’re NYU students subletting 11-F. I’m Jeremy. That’s Hunter.

Hunter: What’s good?

Jeremy: So, one of us might have maybe dropped us a small baggie of baking soda in the elevator. If you come across it, please return it to 11-F.

Alex: If it’s what I think it is, it’s going straight in the trash.

Hunter: Douche.

Chloe: Moving on to standing complaints, Mr. Carson the female love making screams are still coming from 5-C every night.

Mr. Carson: Oops.

Alex: Well, can you please ask your guests to keep the volume down?

Mr. Carson: Hey, man, I asked my female guests this is to ship ship but it seems it’s too good.

Alex: Well, I had to ask. Okay, moving on. Oh, no. Mrs. Baumann, is this about the buildings pet policy?

Mrs. Baumann: No.

Alex: All right. Go ahead.

Mrs. Baumann: By the limits on cats per unit must be raised from three to 75. Part one.

Alex: Okay. No, no. Meeting adjourned.

Chloe: Thank you all. Please pick up any trash on your way out. Make the clean up a little easier for Jamarcus.

Jamarcus: Please, god. It’s Robert. Come on, man.

Russian Disinformation Cold Open

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Alex Moffat

Mikayla… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with officials holding a meeting at the president’s office]

Kenan: Mr. President the situation in Ukraine is growing tension by the hour. Putin has amassed over hundredthousand troops at the border.

Ego: We’re even getting some reports that Russia has already invaded. But those are from the same people who said Tom Brady retired. So, take it with a grain of salt.

Ego: What about the NATO forces? Are they ready to back us up?

Kenan: Well, every country is sending supplies to Ukraine except Germany. They’re staying out of it.

Joe Biden: Oh, man. Germany doesn’t want to go to war. You know, it’s bad.

Alex: Sir, if I may, Russia’s military presence may be the least of our problems.

Ego: We’ve been tracking the spread of Russian disinformation in Ukraine. And there are some lies, Ukrainians don’t know what to believe anymore.

Joe Biden: Russia tried that during our last election too. But it didn’t work.

Kenan: Well, 40% of Americans think you lost the election. So, it kinda did.

Alex: Take a look at these posts that are circulating on Ukrainian Facebook. [They’re reading news headlines] Ukrainian border encroaching on Russian troops.

Ego: Russian forces surrounding Ukraine just to give it big hug.

Alex: Ukrainian president horny for drama, wants war: “Slap me harder, Daddy.”

Joe Biden: I’m gonna break my New Year’s resolution and say it. Malarkey!

Ego: They’re also bringing our country into it. American CDC strongly recommends Russia invade Ukraine.

Kenan: Wait, didn’t the CDC really recommend that?

Joe Biden: For a few months in 2020. The science was changing so fast.

Alex: There was also this. Neil Young to remove music from Spotify unless Ukraine surrender.

Ego: And this one’s unbelievable. Are you a lonely Ukrainian woman in search of love? 100,000 troops are standing by to talk to you, at soldiersonly.com.

Joe Biden: My god. I mean, it is a good idea for a website.

Alex: They’re even turning our most beloved heroes against us. I don’t always get invaded but when I do I prefer Russia.

Ego: Not to mention this. Why I got to be Ukrainian when Russia two feet away? Nothing is sacred to them. Not even guy checking out hot girl.

Alex: And it’s not only meme sir. Look at this video a Russian spy posted on TikTok?

[Cut to a tiktok where two guys are dressed Russian and Ukrainian army and dancing together]

Joe Biden: What the hell was that?

Alex: Sir, it’s a video with 8.7 million views.

Joe Biden: No, no, I mean, what the hell was that dancing? Choreography wasn’t even crisp. Gonna log in and flame those guys in the comments.

Ego: Unfortunately, Mr. President, this goes beyond social media. Look at this commercial that’s airing on Ukrainian MTV.

[Cut to a made up video]

Kyle: I can’t take it anymore, Bae. I’m a typical Ukrainian teenager and I have no hope for my future.

Kate: Tell me about its years. That’s why I’m thinking of going to Russia, which I stand.

Kyle: Russia? You mean the land of wealth and freedom? Bop!

Kate: That’s right. I hear you can get a job in Russia right away, mining arsenic and potash. And whatever potash they don’t use for fertilizer, you can get to the end.

Kyle: But Russia is too popular. We’ll never get in.

Kate: You’re right. If only Russia could come to us.

Female voice: Brought to you by students for the Russian invasion of Ukraine. Cuz Russia can get it Periodt.

Joe Biden: That’s ridiculous. Now which one of those two was Zendaya?

Alex: Sir, these pro Russia commercials are saturating Ukrainian television. I mean, look at this one.

[Cut to another commercial]

Pete: Oh, no. I am American ball toss player Aaron Rodgers. And my car is broken down in Ukraine. Only one thing to do, like a good neighbor. Russia is there.

Chris: Hello to you, Aaron Rodgers. Need some help?

Pete: Jay from Russia? Can you get me out of this Ukraine?

Chris: Of course, I will take you to meet our president. He would love to see a Super Bowl ring and maybe hold it for a while.

Pete and Chris: [singing] Like a good neighbor, you are there, Russia.

Pete: Yes, there we go.

Joe Biden: Wait. So, you’re telling me Ukrainians are supposed to believe that’s the real Aaron Rodgers.

Kenan: Apparently, that is the real Aaron Rodgers. I guess he left the Packers to play for Russia.

Joe Biden: So, what can we do to fight back against all these propaganda.

Ego: Well, we have to fight fire with fire. That’s why I’d like to introduce you to our new Secretary of Defense, Mikayla.

[Mikayla walks in]

Mikayla: Hi. I’m Mikayla, spelled the worst way. I a junior at a vicious Girls High School and y’all work for me now.

Joe Biden: Oh, hold on, hold on. The CIA must have operatives on social media already.

Mikayla: Ahem-ahem. They do and it’s rough. Look at what your agents made. “I like democracy then. Then don’t side with me, I’m Russia?”

Kenan: Oh my god. That’s choogy.

Mikayla: Facts, literally facts. I know. The only thing more pathetic was our attempt at TikTok.

[Cut to a TikTok video of a woman who doing 2021 to 2022 transformation.]

Kenan: What does that even mean? Almost looks like if Russia invades it will turn old Ukrainian women into sexy nurses.

Joe Biden: Let’s just do something fun and simple that everyone can get by. Like a drone strike.

Mikayla: Okay, okay, Mr. President, I think your generation can learn a lot from mine. Like, we don’t believe in drone strikes. We believe in breaking down our enemies psychologically. That’s why I’m gonna DM Putin and say, “Oh my god, I loved your outfit the other day. Was that Old Navy?” Already, he’s spiraling. He’s all like, “Do they think I’m poor?” In three weeks he will have completely lost his mind.

Joe Biden: You done this before?

Mikayla: Does the name Giuliani ring a bell?

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Beauty and the Beast The Mirror

Beast… Pete Davidson

Belle… Chloe Fineman

Father… Willem Dafoe

Cogsworth… Kenan Thompson

Lumière… Mikey Day

[Stats with Beauty and the Beast dancing in the castle]

Beast: Belle, are you happy here with me?

Belle: I’m getting used to it.

Beast: What’s wrong?

Belle: If only I could see my father again? Just for a moment.

Beast: Well, perhaps there is a way. This magic mirror will show you anything in the world.

Belle: Anything?

Beast: Yes, Belle. Anything.

Belle: [to mirror] I’d like to see my father please.

[Her father appears in the mirror. He’s getting back to his home.]

Father: Is anybody home? Belle? Belle? Are you here? Hello?

Belle: Oh, calling for me. I knew my father missed me.

Beast: Of course he misses you, Belle. He’d be a fool if he didn’t.

[Father is alone in the house]

Father: Okay, so I’m just double checking. I’m definitely alone then. Nobody here in the cottage except little old me. Crazy old me.

Beast: Oh-oh!

Belle: What?

Beast: Well, it seems like your father really wants to make sure he’s alone.

Belle: Wow, he’s never been by himself before. He’s probably frightened.

Beast: Yeah, I think we’re the ones who should be frightened.

[Father is lighting up the candles]

Father: [humming] This is the best day of my life

Beast: Yep, yep, here we go. He’s lighting all the candles now.

Belle: Maybe he’s cold.

Beast: Nope, not a shot. I know exactly what’s happening here.

Belle: What’s he doing now?

[Father is putting all the pictures of his daughter down]

Father: Don’t look. Don’t. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. [looks at the picture of a horse] Look at me.

Belle: He just seems to be so lost without me.

Beast: Belle, this guy’s not thinking about you at all. And if he is we got bigger problems.

Belle: Oh my God, what’s he doing now?

[Father turns on the music and starts dancing]

Cogsworth: Well, that’s not something you see every day.

Lumière: I’ll tell you one thing. The mirror never disappoints.

Belle: Okay. Well, maybe we should do something else. Anyone want to sing “Be our guest” again? It’s a really, really good song.

Beast: Maybe later. This is some sick stuff.

[Father is spanking himself an dancing]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, I like this, dude. He nasty.

Belle: Okay, okay. I think we’ve seen enough. Anyone else want to look in the mirror?

Lumière: Quiet. The strangest thing of all is happening.

[Father is looking at a photograph]

Father: Oh my lady, look at how I’m carrying on since you’re passing. I just wish swish you were holding me close, kissing my neck, stroking my head, stomping on my groin, spanking my ass, biting my ass. So many wonderful things with my ass.

[throws and breaks the mirror]

Belle: Oops! I broke the mirror. Total accident. Can’t believe it. Anyway, see everyone had dinner. And let’s never talk about this again.

Cogsworth: I can’t believes she broke the mirror.

Beast: Don’t worry guys. I got like Father0 more of those in my room.

Chip: Wait, I don’t understand. What happened in that old man’s quadrant.

Beast: [singing] A tale as old as time

Which is a song I would sing if we had the rights.

ESPNs First Take

Molly Qerim… Chloe Fineman

Stephen A. Smith… Chris Redd

Michael Irvin… Kenan Thompson

Todd Levane… Will Forte

Martin Murphy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with show intro] [Cut to Molly Qerim, Stephen A. Smith and Michael Irvin in their show set]

Molly Qerim: Good morning. What’s going on, everyone? Welcome to “First Take”, ESPN’s home for the hottest sports takes. I’m Molly Qerim, and here with me is the always outspoken Stephen A. Smith.

Stephen A. Smith: Molly! It is fantastic to be here! Absolutely fantastic!

Molly Qerim: And our newest cohost, a man who thought the show needed more passionate energy, Dallas Cowboys legend, Michael Irvin.

Michael Irvin: Okay, Molly, Molly. Uh, Molly, Molly. Stephen A. right here. This– You– Stephen A., you wrong, brother! Okay? It is not fantastic to be here. It is a delicious privilege to put on this suit! You understand? To put on this $6000 tie clip, okay? The thickest one ever made. This is here. This–  What? This–  Whoo! This is special.

Molly Qerim: Okay, uh, want to remind you both that it’s 10 AM, okay? And we have 1 hour and 58 minutes to go. Alright. Let’s start with the Sunday playoff game in Tampa, where Tom Brady’s Buccaneers will take on the red hot LA Rams. Guys, the question everybody is asking, is Tom Brady an exceptional quarterback or very exceptional?

Stephen A. Smith: Now, Molly, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I stayed up all night wrestling with it. But today, there is no doubt that Tom Brady is an exceptional quarterback like the great Peyton Manning! And to say anything more would be blasphemy! Period!

Michael Irvin: Excuse me, Stephen A. Tom Brady is very exceptional. Okay? And Peyton Manning? Please! Tom Brady would beat Peyton Manning in a cakewalk. It’d be more than a cakewalk. It would be a cake run.

Stephen A. Smith: Ridiculous.

Michael Irvin: A cake swim and a cake road trip down Highway 95! No man has never, ever seen a cake travel so quickly, period.

Molly Qerim: Okay, guys, people are still letting their coffee kick in, and you already sound like you’ve been hit by a bulldozer of cocaine.

Michael Irvin: Hey. Don’t threaten me with a good time. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Molly Qerim: Okay. To settle this, let’s go to Todd Levane from the fan site Sports Horse. Todd, is Tom Brady exceptional or very exceptional?

Todd Levane: Okay, first of all, everybody, thanks for mounting the Sports Horse. Hold on tight ’cause this bronco bucks. [horse neighs] Okay, Michael, I know you played in the NFL for twelve years. You’re a hall of famer. I just started a website. But you know nothing about football! Thomas Edward Patrick Brady is not exceptional! He’s not very exceptional! He’s clearly very, very exceptional!

Michael Irvin: What? Oh, no, he did not. No, he didn’t.

Todd Levane: Tom Brady plays like he’s always got a chip on his shoulder and his back against the wall, and that’s why he is the supreme dominator of men! He eats planets! And that’s straight from the horse’s mouth! [horse neighs]

Molly Qerim: Okay. Love that passion. But, guys, people have the show on in the background while folding laundry, and you’re scaring them and waking up the baby. Alright, so, let’s talk about it. Does Tom Brady play like his back is against the wall or like there’s a chip on his shoulder?

Stephen A. Smith: Molly, I’ve thought a lot about this question. A lot. I meditated on it. Then I took a monthlong sabbatical! I ate, I prayed, I loved! And then I came back with an answer. And it is indisputable that Tom Brady plays with a chip on his shoulder because when the chips are down, you still got a chip right by your face!

Molly Qerim: Well, to put this in perspective, the Sports Bureau is saying that–

Michael Irvin: M-M-M-Molly, Molly, Molly. Molly. Uh, okay, you the glue, okay, that keeps this show together, but, uh, please shut up. Because I got to scream. Stephen A.! I am not going to sit here and listen to your nonsense! I am going to stand and listen to it while I breathe heavy like a video game character on pause.

Stephen A. Smith: Well, go ahead. All I’m saying…. All I’m saying–

Michael Irvin: Stephen! No! You have offended me as a man. As a father, as a brother, and as a nephew.

Stephen A. Smith: Good.

Michael Irvin: Tom Brady must put his play,  put his– He got to play with his back on the wall! You understand me? That’s open, shut, and locked!

Todd Levane: Yeah, lock it up, Michael! Lock it up and bury it a mile deep in the sea, deep in Davy Jones’ locker, where darkness goes to die! You best start believing in the Sports Horse, Mr. Irvin, ’cause you’re in one! [horse neighs]

Michael Irvin: Thank you, thank you. But Tom Brady has given us more years of quality entertainment than Frank Sinatra himself.

Stephen A. Smith: Oh, my God!

Michael Irvin: What? Am I wrong? Am I wrong?

Stephen A. Smith: Come on! You’re bringing up Frank Sinatra? That is clearly an apples and oranges comparison!

Molly Qerim: Well, and that’s our next big sports question. Guys, apples or oranges?

Stephen A. Smith: Now, Molly, I’ve thought about this question my entire life! I recently had a long heroic battle with COVID. Almost died! I went to the light and I looked at the face of God, and I asked him this very question. Molly, it’s apples.

Michael Irvin: I’m gonna stop you right there, Stephen A. With all due respect, god is wrong. Okay? God does not have this here Super Bowl ring on his finger, so he don’t know the magnificent glory of oranges, alright? Like they say, in America, “It’s as American as orange pie.”

Todd Levane: Oh, please! You’re asking the wrong question! It’s not apples and oranges! It’s asparagus and nickels! End of discussion! Don’t poke the horse! [horse neighs]

Molly Qerim: Well, I am glad we settled that. Still an hour and 55 minutes to go. Alright. Let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll switch gears and talk to the head of NFL’s new anti-bullying charity, time out for kids, Martin Murphy.

Martin Murphy: Hey, guys, thanks. Delighted to be here. And it’s apples. And anyone who disagrees is a disgusting loser and a moron!

Cinema Classics Gaslight

Reese De’What… Kenan Thomspon

Ingrid Bergman… Kate McKinnon

Charles Boyer… Will Forte

Angela Lansbury… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on TBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening, and welcome to Cinema Classics. Hi, I’m Reese De’What. If you’ve heard the phrase ‘gaslighting’, you probably know it means to manipulate someone into believing a false reality. But what you may not know is that the phrase originally comes from the 1944 film “Gaslight”, starring Ingrid Bergman as a woman whose husband makes her believe she’s going insane by slowly dimming the gas fueled lights around her and then denying it. Why does he do this? I do not know. And I’m bad at guessing. When my wife asked me to guess what she was making for dinner, and I said, “I don’t know, a mess?” Worst welcome home from prison ever. Hers. Let’s watch a scene from “Gaslight” now where Charles Boyer as the evil husband tries to make Bergman believe she’s insane.

[Cut to clip from the movie. Ingrid is playing Paula and Charles is playing her husband Gregory.]

Gregory: Paula, I’ve tried so hard to keep the fact that you have lost your mind a secret. But now I’m afraid all of London knows it.

Paula: Gregory, no. I’m not insane. Look, every night the gas lights, they go dimmer.

Gregory: No they don’t.

Paula: They don’t? Well, look. It’s just a tiny flame.

Gregory: Oh, my cuckoo darling. In the week and a half you’ve known me, have I ever lied to you?

Paula: I guess not. But human me. Turn the gas lights up as high as they’ll go. Please, for me.

Gregory: Alright. All the way up. [turns the light off] There you go.

Paula: And that was up? ‘Cause to me that seemed like not up.

Gregory: And I hope you’re happy, our gas bill is going to be insane. Just like your brain. And I’m afraid it’s membranous as well.

Paula: Oh no. I don’t know up from down. The next thing you’ll tell me is that this isn’t a book.

Gregory: No, Paula. That’s a rat.

Paula: It is? I’ve been reading rats all these years? Oh no, am I really that mad? I set a goal for myself a reading a rat a month.

Gregory: Paula, calm yourself and play with the puppy I gave you.

[Gregory gives Paula a rock.]

Paula: Okay.

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Yikes! You know, in my house gaslighting is when I strike a match after my wife blast went out under the blankets. Let’s watch another scene as Gregory drives Paula even further into delusion with the help of a surly maid, played by a Reese De’What8 year old Angela Lansbury.

[Cut to Paula and Gregory dining him their home. Angela Lansbury is playing the maid.]

Gregory: Oh, Gregory. Do you regret marrying a crazy cuckoo bird of a woman who belongs in a hotel for nuts?

Paula: Paula, please stop. Now, just try to enjoy your steak.

Maid: That’s right, mum. Eat your little steak.

[Maid gives Paula a pineapple]

Paula: Dude, I don’t care how crazy I am. This is a pineapple.

Maid: No, mum. It’s the rib, just like the one he’s eating. Dig in.

Paula: Okay, I feel like maybe you’re like, trying to drive me mad.

Gregory: No one is trying to drive you mad. What do you want me to do? [pulls out a book] Swear on this Bible?

Paula: Okay, so now– Okay, so this says “How to gaslight your wife by Gregory”. [That’s the title of that book]

Gregory: Paula, stop. I love you.

Paula: Well, I don’t feel love. You don’t even kiss me anymore.

Gregory: Then kiss you I shall.

[Gregory stands and goes up to Maid and kisses her]

Paula: Okay, yeah, appreciate you kiss her, the Reese De’What8 year old.

Gregory: No, I kissed you. Watch, I’ll do it again.

Paula: No, no. I won’t let you gaslight me any longer. In fact, maybe I’ll gaslight you. That shiny tie you’re wearing, it’s a steak. Ha-ha.

Gregory: It’s a tie.

Paula: Oh, dammit. I guess I’m better at it. Well, at least I know the truth now. I can’t believe you told me it was nine inches and I said oh lucky me.

Gregory: It is!

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Wow. So now we know what gaslighting is. Kinda like when my wife– What? She’s on the phone? Right now? Oh, that’s not good. For Cinema Classics. I have been Reese De’What?

HipHop Nativity

Kitty… Heidi Gardner

Neely… Billy Eilish

Chris Redd

Joseph…Kyle Mooney

Bowen Yang

Baby Jesus… Andrerw Dismukes

Mary… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with a rehearsal of Hip-Hop Nativity]

Kitty: Hey, hi. Is all nativity cast present?

Cast: Yes, miss Kitty.

Kitty: Right. First and only pageant rehearsal, y’all. I need you to bring your A game.

Kitty: Okay, so here’s the deal, okay guys? Times are changing. We can’t do the normal, boring pageant thing this year.

Kitty: Too old school, too Boomer. Okay? This year, we’re switching it up.

Kitty: Okay. That’s right. And lucky for you guys, Neely and I took it upon ourselves to learn all of hip-hop.

Chris: I’m sorry, you learned all of hip hop?

Kitty: Correct. And it’s gonna be a freeform hip hop, live nativity.

Kitty: Okay, so let’s get started with rehearsal. We got a lot of hip hop to teach you, okay? Now where’s our Joseph?

Joseph: : Right here, Miss Kitty.

Kitty: Okay, Joseph. So, now you’re gonna enter with a pimp walk.

Joseph: A what?

Kitty: A pimp walk. Here, Neely and I will show you. Play the tracks, sweetie.

[music playing] [Kitty and Kitty start doing the pimp walk]

Kitty: A pimp walk, a pimp walk. A pimp walk, a pimp walk. And you’re gonna work it down here. Yeah, it’s okay. Because hip hop is low in the body.

Kitty: Y’all are up here, but hip hop is down here. Hey, the streets are in the knees, okay?

Chris: Oh, are they now?

Kitty: Yeah, coz you know what? It’s walk, and it’s walk. And it’s, “I’m Joseph. I’m a baby daddy now. So, I pimp walk. I pimp walk.” There, go, do it.

Joseph: okay, so like… [starts doing pimp walk]

Kitty: Pimp walk.

Kitty: Come on. Pimp walk.

Kitty: Pimp walk.

Kitty: Pimp walk.

Kitty: Pimp walk. Yeah. Pimp walk’s getting there. The pimp walk’s getting there. Okay. Baby, go to the corner freight so long, keep pimp walking.

Chris: Yeah. To just face the wall?

Kitty: Yeah.

Chris: Okay.

Kitty: Pimp walk.

Kitty: Where are my donkeys at?

Chris: By all means, teach me hip hop, please.

Kitty: Okay, so, you three are going to follow Joseph out. Okay, not up here, this is country music. Okay, down here, this is hip hop. And when you land I want booty booty.

Bowen: Don’t you mean ass?

Kitty: That is not funny. Watch me pop my butt, okay? Can everybody see my butt?

Kitty: Okay, can you see that? Can you see that pop? It’s a hip pop. It’s a trot, trot, hop. And you feel it in your hook. Okay? So, trot, trot, hop. Trot, trot, hop. Trot, trot, hop. And just straight donkey Christmas, hip-pop, pop, pop.

Chris: How is no one filming this?

Baby Jesus: Hey, sorry. Just throwing this out there but I’d be totally cool just doing what we practiced. You know, ditching the whole freeform Hip Hop thing.

Kitty: Oh, Baby Jesus, please. Please just focus on your twerking.

Baby Jesus: Excuse me? Twerking?

Kitty: Okay, come here. Donkeys, pop over there. Okay, baby. Are you in your diaper?

Baby Jesus: I mean, yeah.

Kitty: Drop robe. Let’s go.

[Baby Jesus opens his robe. He’s wearing a diaper.]

Kitty: Oh, Jesus, Mary and Juliana Margulies. Honey, do you not have a butt? We got to make him a butt quick.

[Kitty and Kitty bring some hays and put inside his diaper.]

Baby Jesus: Hold on. No, I don’t want to twerk. I don’t want to twerk. I’m playing a baby. Hey! Cut it out!

Kitty: We’ll make you a butt, baby.

Baby Jesus: No, I don’t need one.

Kitty: Listen, Baby Jesus can do anything now, wring it out. Go, twerk son.

[Baby Jesus starts twerking]

Kitty: Oh, wow. He can actually twerk.

Kitty: It’s a miracle. Now, where’s my Mary’s? Where’s Mary?

[Mary runs in]

Kitty: How comfortable are you on a stripper pole, sweetie?

Mary: Um. I’m not sure.

Kitty: Wrong answer.

Kitty: Alright, I’ll do it. Mary go grind on the wall. Alright, drops the beat. Get my Joseph in pimp walk.

Joseph: Best Christmas, ya’ll!

Kitty: Donkey, start popping. Oh, yes! And Baby J, shaking like a rattle.

Kitty: [dancing on the pole] Praise him. Praise Baby Jesus!

Kitty: Oh my goodness! I think we might have ourselves a Christmas show!

Fauci Holiday Message Cold Open

Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Santa… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Chris Cuomo… Andrew Dismukes

Lauren Boebert… Chloe Fineman

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: And now a holiday message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Anthony Fauci] [cheers and applause]

Anthony Fauci: I’m back. Hello. Hi. Hi, everyone, it’s me Dr. Fauci. Do people still think I’m sexy? Or are we done with that? When people see me on TV, they think, “Oh, this can’t be good.” And the children think, “Wow, that Elf on the Shelf got old.”

Anyway, anyway. As you probably heard there is an Omicron wave sweeping the globe. Some experts feared the Omicron variant would be vaccine resistance, kind of like, I don’t know, 40% of Americans. More recent data suggests that if you had a vaccine and a booster, you should be pretty well protected. So if that’s you, I’d like to officially say unclench. With COVID cases on the rise, people still have a lot of questions. Is it safe to travel? Can I still use this as an excuse to get out of stuff? I would like to never work again. So, to help answer these queries, I once again invited members of the CDC to act out various holiday scenelets. So, please keep in mind, they’re not professional actors. They’re simply nerds who are trying their best. And then now the CDC players present going to a restaurant.

Mikey: Hi, I’d like to eat Christmas dinner at your restaurant, please.

Heidi: Sir, I just need to see your vaccination card.

Mikey: I actually can’t find it.

Heidi: You mean you lost the little one inch piece of cardboard they gave you?

Mikey: I’m afraid so.

Heidi: Then you are banished from society. Have fun living in the woods.

Mikey: Okay! And scene.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not right. You can get a replacement card… I think. The important thing is to get vaccinated. And if you’re vaccinated get boosted. And if you’re boosted, maybe want a little top off, a little splash. Anyway, let’s hope this next scene goes better. It’s called Mile High Christmas.

Bowen: Stewardess, I’m traveling home for the holidays, and I’m scared that I’ll get COVID on the airplane.

Ego: Don’t be. Air travel is fairly low risk.

Bowen: Great. I also heard girls can’t get pregnant in the sky. Is that true?

Ego: I don’t know, king. Let’s find out.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not true. That’s not even how sex works. Unless something’s changed. I guess people got pretty lonely during COVID, huh? Yeah, yeah. Now, let’s take a look at how Christmas traditions might look a little different this year in visiting center at the mall.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

Melissa: Well, Santa… [trying to sit on Santa’s lap]

Santa: Sorry, you can’t sit on my lap anymore. Thanks to the vaccine. My testicles have ballooned in size.

Melissa: Really?

Santa: Yes. They’re as big as grapes now.

Anthony Fauci: Stop! No, no, no, no. That’s just a conspiracy theory. And I am concerned about that particular man. Now, of course, the pandemic has also affected people economically. Keep that in mind as you watch this next scene, two unemployed brothers on Christmas Day.

Andrew Cuomo: Hello, I am disgraced former New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo.

Chris Cuomo: And I’m disgraced former CNN host Chris Cuomo.
Andrew Cuomo: And we both lost our jobs because of COVID.

Anthony Fauci: That’s not why. That’s not why you lost your jobs. Unfortunate, those were not the last public figures you’ll see tonight because when it comes to acting deeply offended about something minor, some of our most gifted performance these days come not from Hollywood but from congress, including the ladies in this next scene Christmas truths.

Lauren Boebert: Hi, I’m Lauren Boebert. And she’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s pronounced Gan. The government has been using this fake disease to strip us of our freedom. Do they think we’re dumb?

Lauren Boebert: Please! Would they give a dumb person a gun? Yes.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: First, they said the shutdowns were until they found a vaccine. Then they found a vaccine and said it worked. Then they said everyone should get it. Then people got it and it saved their lives. If that’s not communism, then honey, I might not know what communism is.

Lauren Boebert: So, Merry Christmas. And remember, guns don’t kill people. People, people, people.

Anthony Fauci: Not helpful. No, no. Alright, here’s the truth guys. We are still in the midst of a pandemic. And that’s not going to change just because we all wished it would go away.

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Ted Cruz: Did somebody say wish it would go away?

Anthony Fauci: Not you. Not you.

Ted Cruz: That’s right. It’s me. The weirdo with the beardo, Ted Cruz.

Anthony Fauci: Ted, what are you doing here?

Ted Cruz: Hey, if you’re sick of seeing me, imagine how sick I am of being me.

Anthony Fauci: So Cruz, how are you handling the pandemic?

Ted Cruz: Oh, textbook bad. This week, I was the one not wearing a mask at Bob Dole’s funeral. Now, you may remember when I ran for President in 2016, Bob Dole said that nobody likes me. And this week, I got him back by not being infectious. But just imagine him looking down at your own funeral and the only face you can see is mine!

Anthony Fauci: That’s disturbing. Well, I think we all learned a lot today. Clearly, this country is divided but I think we can all agree on at least a few things. We all want to spend time together with our families.

Ted Cruz: Or run it back solo to Cancún.

Anthony Fauci: We all want our loved ones to be safe and happy and healthy.

Andrew Cuomo: Family is all we have.

Chris Cuomo: Yeah, as of two weeks ago.

Anthony Fauci: Now, that’s the Christmas spirit. See? We already found some common ground.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: And we can all agree that the Fox News Christmas tree arsonists must be executed.

Anthony Fauci: Maybe not.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!