Tag: Chloe Fineman

Dog Acting School Commercial

Yolanda Batista… Ana de Armas

Donna Colonoscopini… Chloe Fineman

Yolanda Batista: Is your dog hot and it knows it?

Donna Colonoscopini: Has it cruised by on looks its entire life?

Yolanda Batista: Do you caught your dog looking at itself in the mirror?

Donna Colonoscopini: But it sucks in its cheeks like this? Then your jobs might be the perfect candidate for Enter Stage Woof acting school for dogs.

Yolanda Batista: Hi I’m Jolanda Batista.

Donna Colonoscopini: And I’m Donna Colonoscopini. And I semi-accredited school office acting training for canine kiddies like this. Get in here Henry. [pulls in a golden retriever] Oh boy. Now Sure, sure. Oh Henry.

Yolanda Batista: Oh, that’s-

Donna Colonoscopini: Henry is doing a little improv. Sure. Henry is the total package. Winning smile, golden logs and those big photogenic nuts.

Yolanda Batista: Good looks and everything. You know, casting directors want to see emotional range. Watch. Henry. You just found out you have worms. Show me shock. [the dog doesn’t react]

Donna Colonoscopini: Alright. Henry, you go into the vet to get clipped and they don’t mean your nails. Show me fear. [the dog doesn’t react, but a pair of artificial paws are covering its eyes] Perfect. You booked it.

Yolanda Batista: You may have seen the trailer for that movie “Strays.” None of our dogs got the job.

Donna Colonoscopini: But damn it, they got in the room. Just like Coco here. [pulls in a pug]

Yolanda Batista: Yes. Coco may not be classical beautiful, but she’s dripping in sex appeal.

Donna Colonoscopini: Oh, she ever? And she’ll go full nude if they pay the price.

Yolanda Batista: She’ll do it even if it’s not.

Donna Colonoscopini: Oh, look at those nips. Looking for a dog that can pull up romantic comedy? Then look no further than Romeo. [pulls in a dog] Yeah Romeo. It’s under contract to Disney. How? By learning our patented lady in the tramp technique. Watch. [she puts noodles in her mouth and tries to feed it to the dog] Wow. I think I’m in love.

Yolanda Batista: It’s adorable and castable.

Donna Colonoscopini: High-five Romeo. Well, he’s a regular Marlon Brando dog. Our instructors are ready to handle every aspect of your dog’s career from social media to headshots. And we can even cover up embarrassing scandals.

Yolanda Batista: Yeah, like if your dog is kinky and gets caught hooking up with a cat.

Donna Colonoscopini: Not convinced? Listen to the satisfied customer.

[Punkie walks in]

Punkie: This is my Tie. He has been taking classes here for years. In fact, you probably recognize him from the movie “Moonlight” where he was walking by on the beach during the handjob scene. That was a fun set. Thank you Dog Acting School.

Donna Colonoscopini: Oh, did someone say accent? Take a look at this talented Pooch.

Yolanda Batista: Biscuit, do French.

[voice over artist says something in French.]

Donna Colonoscopini: Wow, l’-woof. I think that means the bark.

Yolanda Batista: We even teach puppies like this little fella named Jelly Bean.

Donna Colonoscopini: Now, Jelly Bean just got casted a movie where he plays an alien that destroys Seattle. Let’s rehearse. Oh, Seattle. Oh, Seattle. Oh no, Seattle. Oh no. Oh no.

Yolanda Batista: Okay. Good job, Jelly Bean.

Donna Colonoscopini: Seattle more like dead. So enroll today and in no time your dog will be the next Clint Eastwood. At Enter Stage Woof, Acting School for Dogs.

American Girl Doll Movie Trailer

Molly… Molly Sherman

Kirsten… Heidi Gardner

Samantha… Chloe Fineman

Hosofina… Ana de Armas

Addy… Ego Nwodim

Kit… Molly Kearney

Male voice: People can’t stop talking about the trailer for the new Barbie movie. But not all dolls live in a dream house. Some are bigger, younger, sadder. Some dolls are American girl.

Molly: Hi Kirsten.

Kirsten: Hi Molly.

Kit: Hi Samantha.

Samantha: Hi Hosofina.

Hosofina: Hi Kit.

Addy: And I’m Addy. No one said hi to me.

Male voice: This summer, a new live action story about your favorite historically accurate dolls. Each with their own harrowing backstory.

Samantha: I’m a bitchy orphan from Victorian times. I watched my parents die in a boat.

Kirsten: That’s okay. My best friend Marta died of cholera.

Kit: That’s okay. My dad is a prisoner of war. And tragically, I have glasses.

Hosofina: That’s okay. My mama is dead. We bury her in the church graveyard.

Addy: That’s okay. I don’t know my birthday because I’m a runaway slave.

[silence]

Hosofina: Let’s play.

All: Yay!

Male voice: Do they have pink Corvettes? No! Boyfriends? No way. Did all their family members die of vague old timey diseases? Absolutely.

Kit: Fashion Show!

Male voice: Come for the fun. Stay for the overburdened preteens wearing four layers of Petticoats and pantaloons.

Samantha: What’s wrong, Hosofina? You’ve barely touched your tea.

Hosofina: The memory of my Mama is slipping away.

Molly: Look what I can do. [coughs blood on tissue]

[cut to Molly being covered by white sheet because she’s dead]

Kirsten: That’s okay.

All: Yeah. That’s okay.

Kirsten: Audiences are raving. “We loved it,” says girls who played soccer magazine. The New York Times write “These little girls are going through too much.”

Kirsten: What do you say girls? Should we have a sleepover tonight?

All: Yay.

Kirsten: What about you Addy?

Addy: I’m good. I don’t trust none of y’all.

Male voice: Watch as the American girls travel on a journey from American girl land to the modern world.

Kit: I’m going to stop World War II.

Hosofina: And I’m going to stop the Spanish American War.

Kirsten: And I’m going to end cholera.

[Now Kirsten coughs blood on tissue]

[cut to they throw away a dead body out of a carriage]

All: That’s okay.

Sally O’Malley- Jonas Brothers

Ross… Kenan Thompson

Gretel… Chloe Fineman

Bowen… Bowen Yang

Sally O’Malley… Molly Shannon

[Starts with a group of ladies dancing. Ross walks in]

Ross: Okay, okay, sorry to interrupt. Sorry to interrupt girls. Take a break. Gretel, Bowen, come on, we need to talk.

Bowen: Oh, hey, what’s up Ross?

Ross: Well, as the Jonas Brothers manager, part of my job is to deliver bad news. The boys want to hire new choreographer.

Gretel: You can’t fire us. We invented Joe bro choreo.

Bowen: Yeah, I gave Nick his head bop. He used to go side to side, and I told him to go up and down with a finger shimmy.

Ross: Be that as it may, the boys feel that they’re not a teenybopper band anymore. And they’re about to start their Vegas residency,so they want a more mature stage act.

Bowen: Mature? Who Do they think can do that?

Ross: It’s hard to describe, easier to see. Let her in.

[Sally O’Malley walks in]

Sally O’Malley: My name is Sally O’Malley. I’m 50 years old. Not one of those gals who’s afraid to tell a real age. And I like to kick, stretch and kick. I’m 50. 50 years old. 50 years old.

Ross: That’s right. The boys were visiting their grandmother and she took them to her senior centers production of Annie, and Sally here was scarring and she rocked their world. And they don’t want to fire anybody. They were just hoping that, you know, you could let Sally add a little something.

Bowen: Okay, Sally, what little something do you think you could add?

Sally O’Malley: Top five decades of Dirty Dancing and red panting. I got half a century of sizzlin, my lady schnitzel. Nothing wrong with that. Being a woman. The Grand Canyon’s got nothing on me.

Bowen: You know, I’ve engineered my entire life so I would never have to see what I just saw. And Russell, are you sure she’s 50?

Sally O’Malley: Honey, I’ve been 50 since before you was born.

Ross: Can you please just gave it a try? The boys feel that Sally represents who they are now.

Gretel: Do they? Then tell us who you are Sally.

Sally O’Malley: Listen, I’m a choo choo Charlie and a class act.

Bowen: Russell, I love you. I just think the Jonas Brothers are making a huge mistake.

Joe Jonas: Oh, is that what you think, huh?

Sally O’Malley: Well, well, well, if it isn’t Neil, Kalvin and John.

Nick Jonas: Yeah, Nick, Joe and Kevin. And we came by because we the feeling they may not understand your new concept. So I wanted to show him.

[The Jonas brothers open their clothes, and inside they’re wearing similar outfit to Sally O’Malley.]

Sally O’Malley: You looking good boys. Now put some bonus in your Jonas. Now hit it Russell.

[music playing]

Hip, hip
arms, arms
now kick, stretch
kick, stretch, kick, stretch

Bowen: Wait a second. Wait a second. Oh my god. I am so sorry I ever doubted you, Sally. I see it now. You’re gonna put the boys on stage in packed stadiums around the world and they’re gonna..

Joe: Kick.

Kevin: Stretch.

Nick: And jump.

Sally O’Malley: Jump? Neil, you’re fired.

Joe: Wait a second, Sally. You can take his place.

Kevin: Yeah, that’s a great idea. Do you know any of her songs?

Sally O’Malley: Absolutely not. I’m 50 years old. 50.

CNN App

Anderson Cooper… Michael Longfellow

Van Jones… Devon Walker

Dana Bash… Chloe Fineman

Wolf Blitzer… Sarah Sherman

Maggie Haberman.. Molly Shannon

Lindsey Graham… James Austin Johnson

Alvin Bragg… Kenan Thompson

Female voice: These days, it’s hard not to feel stressed out and overwhelmed. Sure Trump got indicted. But now everyone says the case against him is weak and that he’ll never serve any jail time. As someone whose entire personality is hating Donald Trump, you need more. You need to feel calm and reassured. You need the newest meditation app. CNZen. The only app that suits you in the most militant liberals with essential details from Trump’s arrest. Featuring your favorite CNN anchors and correspondents.

Anderson Cooper: He’s the first American president to ever be indicted. This is truly a historic and humiliating moment.

Van Jones: Trump is a sad, defeated man. They made him come from Florida, where it’s 80 degrees, to New York, where it’s only 60 degrees. How depressing for him?

Dana Bash: And his motorcade wasn’t even that big. I thought it would be bigger, but it was so small.

Wolf Blitzer: Donald was all alone. No family or friends to support him. I shouldn’t say this as a journalist, but what a loser.

Female voice: Let New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman soothe you to sleep.

Maggie Haberman: This is his worst nightmare. And he’s really freaking out because now he knows there are consequences. Consequences.

Female voice: You can also listen to clips of Trump and his allies desperately spiraling.

Lindsey Graham: Please, Donald J. Trump is an innocent man and he needs your help. Send him all your money today at DonaldJTrumpRU/Fundraisingscam.guilty.

Female voice: Trump’s next court appearance won’t be till at least December. That’s why CNZen has a whole section of Trump indictment ASMR.

Maggie Haberman: Can you hear him getting fingerprinted? And the DA opening his big leather briefcase. Oh, and a little gavel from a judge. I wonder if you’ll even hear handcuffs.

Female voice: With additional in app purchases like audio erotica of District Attorney Aven Bragg reading all 34 felony counts.

Alvin Bragg: Count one, falsifying business records in the first degree. Count two, falsifying business records in the first degree. Count three, falsifying business-

Heidi: Helpless couch is as clumsy as the DA’s case.

Female voice: CNZen, because you waited seven years for this indictment, and you want every delicious detail.

Maggie Haberman: And what ethnicity is Trump’s judge again?

Alvin Bragg: Hispanic.

Maggie Haberman: Ah!

Female voice: CNZen, in your mind, he’s already in jail.

Midwife

Mrs. Murphy… Heidi Gardner

Barry… Bowen Yang

Dr. Rogers… Quinta Brunson

Mrs. Alison… Chloe Fineman

Dr. Rogers: Okay, Mrs. Murphy your contractions are 30 seconds apart. This baby is coming.

Mrs. Murphy: But I’m not due for another two weeks.

Dr. Rogers: Don’t worry, Mrs. Murphy. I know it’s scary but listen to me and breathe.

Mrs. Murphy: What about my midwife?

Ego: He’s on his way. Okay.

Mrs. Murphy: Thank god, we had planned for an at home birth. I need him here.

Dr. Rogers: Deep breath, Mrs. Murphy.

Barry: Excuse me, excuse me, clear a path, clear a path. I’m the midwife.

Mrs. Murphy: Barry, Thank God. Dr. Rogers. This is my midwife, Barry.

Dr. Rogers: Oh, okay. Nice to meet you, Barry.

Barry: Actually, we’ve met.

Dr. Rogers: Oh, I’m sorry. Of course then it’s nice to see you. Okay, so she’s already dilated 10 centimetercm. We need to move fast.

Barry: Do you remember meeting me? It’s not a test. I’m just curious. I’m genuinely curious.

Dr. Rogers: Okay, she’s crowning.

Mrs. Murphy: I feel like I’m gonna faint.

Barry: Here honey, sip this sweet ginger kombucha. We met at Danielle’s barbecue.

Ego: Can you just please ask her about this later?

Barry: No, for sure. For sure. But it was the barbecue before the Macklemore concert.

Dr. Rogers: Macklemore? So what we met like in 2012 one time? Okay, Barry. I’m sorry, but I can’t deal with this right now.

Barry: Oh, really? Then how come while you were being defensive I was delivering this baby?

[Three years later]

Dr. Rogers: Push, Mrs. Alison. Push.

Mrs. Alison: Ah! Is my midwife here yet?

Barry: Clear path, clear path? That’s Barry, the midwife.

Mrs. Alison: That’s him. Thank god.

Dr. Rogers: Oh, Barry. It’s nice to see you again.

Barry: Again? Oh, have we met?

Dr. Rogers: Are you serious?

Barry: Yeah. I’ve never seen it before in my life.

Dr. Rogers: I promise you have we met at this hospital in this exact room.

Barry: Okay, what is the purpose of this? To embarrass me? We’ve never met. Girl, respect yourself.

Mrs. Alison: What’s going on?

Ego: Don’t worry. I’ll explain. So Barry is pretending to not remember Dr. Rogers because three years ago she didn’t remember meeting him at a barbecue.

Dr. Rogers: Yes. Before Macklemore concert.

Barry: Macklemore? So we met like in 2012 one time? Throwback. You really remember me? I’m curious as to why. Anyway, while you were being Dr. Gaslight, I was delivering this baby.

[14 years earlier]

Dr. Rogers: Thanks for having us at your barbecue, Danielle, the grill master Acker.

Danielle: No problem. I wish you could come to the Macklemore concert later.

Dr. Rogers: I can’t. I have work. That’s why I’m dressed like this.

Barry: Clear path, clear path for Barry the hungry midwife.

Dr. Rogers: Hi,, I’m Jill. Nice to meet you.

Barry: It’s nice to meet you, too. Wow. I love your hair. I’ve always wanted to do long.

Dr. Rogers: Really? I don’t think that’s a good idea. I wouldn’t recognize you if I saw you again in the future.

Barry: Ha-ha, is that a threat?

[17 years after the barbecue and Macklemore concert]

Dr. Rogers: Mrs. Murphy, long Time no see. I can’t believe this is baby number two.

Mrs. Murphy: I know life happens so fast. Oh, and this is my midwife. You guys remember each other, right?

Barry: Actually, we do. I’m so sorry, Dr. Rogers. I owe you an apology. I pretended not to remember you because you didn’t remember me. And it made me so furious.

Dr. Rogers: I’m sorry, Barry. I felt so bad that I didn’t remember you. It made me feel embarrassed.

Barry: Are you serious? I was pretty emotional jerk.

Jeff: Oh my god. Did we miss it? Barry, Dr. Rogers, this is my husband and my first daughter Kayla. You delivered her.

Dr. Rogers: Hi, Kayla.

Barry: Nice to meet you.

Kayla: Actually, we’ve met.

Barry and Dr. Rogers: Well then, it’s nice to see you, okay?

Bosses

Murphy… Bowen Yang

Janet… Chloe Fineman

Reynold… Molly Kearney

Daniel… Sarah Sherman

Benson… Quinta Brunson

Heather… Heather Gardner

Murphy: So Janet, how’s your first month here been?

Janet: Oh, it’s been great. I’m so happy to be working here.

Reynold: Well, we’re lucky to have you.

Janet: But I don’t want to make this a big deal. I think Daniels has been kind of weird with me.

Murphy: Oh, Daniel is our top salesman, really? He’s always been cool to me.

Janet: You’re right. It’s probably nothing. Forget I said anything.

Daniel: Hey, Murphy. How’re ya? How are the kids?

Murphy: They’re good, Daniel. Just sent my eldest off to Penn State.

Daniel: oh gosh, that must be hard on the old bank account. [laughing] And Reynold, we’e hitting the links later on what, buddy?

Reynold: Five on the dot, Daniel.

Daniel: Looking forward to it. And Simmons, [suddenly starts acting weird] Big butt. Whoo! Setting off the penis alarm. [suddenly acting normal] And Murphy, you got that reported to me by Monday or what?

Murphy: Absolutely Daniel.

Daniel: Alright, that’s great. Oh and before I forget guys, we got a company wide Zoom meeting at six where I’ll be zooming in on those boobies. Computer enhance, engaging X ray vision. It said we have nipples. And Murphy, listen, that Turner file’s not gonna file itself, alright? See you guys.

Janet: You guys saw that, right?

Murphy: Saw what?

Janet: Daniels when he talks to me, he did like an impression of a sex computer.

Murphy: I thought he was just being goofy. But hey, I’m old school.

Reynold: You know, if you’re having a problem with him, you can always talk to Benson.

Janet: Benson? Really?

Murphy: Oh, yeah, totally. He’s been here forever. He just gets it out. Speak of the devil.

Benson: Well, lookie here, all of my favorite people?

Reynold: How are you?

Murphy: Benson?

Benson: Guys, I want to thank you again for showing up to my granddaughter’s food drive. It meant the world.

Reynold: Anything for you, Benson.

Benson: We fed 500 families in need because of you guys. I mean, Simmons. I know it meant the world to my granddaughter that you brought those.

Janet: Those what?

Benson: Well, those big old buttered yams. Ooh. What I would to jump off a diving board and cannonball and do that cleavage. Help! I’m drowning, but don’t save me. I want to die in there. All right, gang. If you need anything, anything at all, please just give me a call. I’d do anything for you guys. I’d even adopt those gorgeous two twins and raise them in a hotel like Zach and Cody. Alright, duty calls. I’ll catch you guys later.

Reynold: Love you, man.

Janet: Okay, you guys notice that right?

Reynold: I mean, I want to say yes so you don’t feel crazy, but I didn’t notice anything.

Janet: How?

Murphy: Oh, can we make something out of nothing today?

Janet: This is insane.

Heather: Janet. Hey, I’m Heather from HR. I heard you down the hall. And if anyone here has been making you uncomfortable, we will handle it right now in a company wide meeting.

Janet: Thank you.

Heather: But first we have a musical performance from the penis brothers.

[Benson and Daniel walk in dancing]

Daniel: Come on, ya’all.

Benson: This one goes out to our two favorite ladies.

Daniel: Simmons, ya’ll.

Murphy: Oh my god, the penis brothers!

Heather: The moment you’ve all been waiting for, the brothers bongo boob experience.

[Benson and Daniel are hitting on Janet’s breasts like they’re bongo]

Janet: How is that making that sound?

Daniel: Hey Murphy, you got that file for me or what?

Murphy: I do, Daniel. By the way, I got an email from corporate and you’re both fired.

Benson and Daniel: Makes sense.

Ridiculousness

Rob Dyrdek… Mikey Day

Steelo Brim… Kenan Thompson

Chanel West Coast… Chloe Fineman

Lee Lee Two Times… Jenna Ortega

Female voice: You’re watching MTV. At 9, it’s 3 Straight Days of Ridiculousness. But first, All new Ridiculousness.

Rob: what is up? What is up? Welcome to ridiculousness. I’m Rob Dyrdek. And you wouldn’t know it from my clothes, but I’m almost 50, ya’ll. Joining me as always, Steelo Brim and Chanel West Coast.

Steelo: What up, Rob?

Chanel: Ah-ha-ha-ha. I’m already laughing.

Rob: Ha-ha. And today’s special guests, you know her from TikTok, Lee Lee Two Times.

Lee Lee: Yo, what up, what up?

Rob: Yo, congrats on all your success and for looking fine as hell.

Lee Lee: Thank you, thank you. Yeah, just turned 70 last week.

Rob: 17! Oopsie! I meant fine as hell as a friend. Alright. Let’s watch them vids, kids. This is Fallin’ Off. Alright first, peep these fools partying on a boat up in here. Oopsie!

Steelo: Oh, it’s white girl overboard.

Chanel: That looks like it hurt, yo.

Rob: Yeah, that’s why my ass don’t mess with boats.

Lee Lee: Yeah, I feel you, I feel you. I was on this family vacay one time, right? My cousin Haley was doing that white girl selfie pose at the front of the boat. We had a wave and bam! She felt right off that boat but like got swept under the propeller cut her head off.

Rob: Oh my god. That is horrific.

Lee Lee: Yeah, yeah. And the worst part was because like, all the blood, like 100 little Finding Nemo looking fish came around and started eating out her head. Yeah, it was visceral.

Steelo: I’m so sorry girl.

Rob: Yeah, me too. Alright, let’s keep another vid. Let’s try keep on anecdotes more like fun, less tragic and upsetting, dawg. Okay, check this out. Yo, this this cat dude, what? Oh-oh. Cup head. Oh no. Mi-oink! Ha-ha. Yo, that cat was tripping. Chanel like that one right there.

Chanel: Yo, I can’t! I can’t!

Lee Lee: Yo, cats are a trip.

Steelo: Yeah man, they crazy.

Lee Lee: Yeah, like growing up our cat Sadie was always getting pregnant.

Steelo: Okay. Okay. So Sadie a hoe.

Lee Lee: Yeah, Saie a hoe for real. She was giving birth one time and six kittens come out.

Steelo: Yeah, all of them looking different than their daddy. Ha-ha-ha. Yo Sadie, who you smashing?

Lee Lee: Nah, they came out fuse into one like big furry cat, ball of cat parts. And like ears, claws, tails, all sticking out. It was not fire.

Rob: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Chanel, you got a cat. You got any funny cat stories girl?

Chanel: [asking Lee Lee] Was the cat alive?

Lee Lee: Yeah, but like it didn’t have a mouth. So it was screaming from the inside like- [screaming with mouth closed]

Rob: Yeah, you don’t need to keep making that noise, Lee Lee. We got it. alright, we’re gonna play What’s Gonna Go Down. Here’s the first frame of our next vid. Okay. Oh-oh. We got a dude in a laundry basket at the top of some stairs. Alright. Steelo, what’s gonna go down?

Steelo: Oh, I think that dude’s flying out of that thing on the first stair man. What you think, Chanel?

Chanel: Same. So, um, how long does the cat have to live?

Rob: Yo, no more cat ball. Okay? The cat balls weird and sad. It’s not the vibe of the show. Okay?

Steelo: Yeah, I gotta agree on that, man. Let’s kill the cat ball.

Lee Lee: Actually, the mom cat killed the cat ball.

Rob: Yo, no more cat ball. Yo, the cat ball is done. Please. Okay, Lee, lee, what do you think is gonna go down in his vid?

Lee Lee: Okay, okay. I think this white boy gonna make all the way down to the bottom of the stairs. And he’s just gonna jump out and start a wilding.

Rob: Ha-ha, okay. Then he’s gonna fall on his ass?

Lee Lee: Ha-ha, no he’s gonna get a text because his parents were murdered.

Rob: No. No. Not that, y’all. Alright, you know what? We’re gonna take a quick break, reset the vibe. And we’ll be back with more ridiculousness.

Lee Lee: I got a picture of a cat ball if anyone wants to see.

Rob: I mean, I’ll take a look.

Oscars Red Carpet Cold Open

Mario Lopez… Marcello Hernandez

Maria Menounos… Heidi Gardner

Mike Tyson… Kenan Thompson

Jamie Lee Curtis… Chloe Fineman

Colin Farrell… Mikey Day

Brandon Gleason… Molly Kearney

George Santos… Bowen Yang

Maria Menounos: Hello and welcome back to the  Oscars Red Carpet Pre Show.

Mario Lopez: I’m the man inside your hotel TV who tells you what the movies are, Mario Lopez.

Maria Menounos: And either Maria Menounos or Kit Hoover, they haven’t told me what yet.

Mario Lopez: And you’re about to watch the 95th Annual Academy Awards sponsored by Ozempic.

Maria Menounos: Ozempic, I guess everyone in Hollywood has diabetes.

Mario Lopez: And we are so excited to have been standing outside the Dolby Theatre for almost 153 hours.

Maria Menounos: We have not slept or use the bathroom. Our only food is a handful of sardines that they throw at us like we’re seals at the zoo.

Mario Lopez: But it’s all worth it to ask Angela Bassett if she really did the thing.

Maria Menounos: Oops, we almost forgot every 30 seconds we have to do a few awkward pan downs to women’s feed. Here we go.

[cut to videos of women’s lower halves walking in the red carpet]

Mario Lopez: Everyone needed to see that.

Maria Menounos: Now last year the Oscars had the slap which was awesome. I mean bad, so bad.

Mario Lopez: We hated all the attention.

Maria Menounos: So this year to make sure nothing crazy happens, the Academy hired a new head of security notoriously calm and same person, Mike Tyson.

Mike Tyson: Oh, my goodness. Oh wow, thank you. Oh my goodness, that’s so nice of you. Thank you so much. I’m ready to handle the proceedings judiciously and expeditiously. But I should warn you, the following things will set me off. Clapping, statues of gold people and shows that lasts more than two hours. And also hearing the phrase “the magic of movies.”

Mario Lopez: And are there any new security measures in place?

Mike Tyosn: Oh, well, thank you for that question, Mario Luigi. Yes. This year all the nominees have been given tasers. All the seat fillers have been given guns. And Jimmy Kimmel has been given the flame thrower.

Maria Menounos: And not that we’re hoping for this, but are you worried at all that Will Smith is planning a second attack?

Mike Tyson: Yes, we are taking that threat very seriously. Luckily, we were able to slip one of those Apple air tags into Will Smith pocket. So we know exactly where he’ll be at all time. Unless of course he changed his pants and then he could be anywhere. So stay frosty everybody. Stay frosty.

Maria Menounos: Oh-oh, I’m legit scared.

Mario Lopez: And now of course, the show has faced a lot of complaints about a lack of diversity. But remember, Oscar turns 95 this year.

Maria Menounos: So, if you think about how racist and sexist your grandpa was at 95, by comparison, Oscar is looking pretty darn good.

Mario Lopez: And oh my gosh, speaking of looking good, it’s first time nominee for best supporting actress, Jamie Lee Curtis.

Jamie Lee Curtis: I mean, seriously, how great is this? I sold yogurt that made you poop and now I’m nominated?

Mario Lopez: Now, you have been refreshingly down to earth this whole award season. Who are you wearing tonight?

Jamie Lee Curtis: Kirkland by Costco.

Maria Menounos: Jamie, you’ve also been so vocally supportive of all your fellow nominees.

Jamie Lee Curtis: Well, because these actresses rule. Cate Blanchett, are you kidding me? She is so- Am I allowed to curse?

Mario Lopez: No.

Jamie Lee Curtis: She is so hot. And Tar? Oh my god. Tar was iconic, vivacious, carnivorous, queer, vague, confusing, long, partially in German and it was hands down the funniest movie of the year. And can I say one more thing?

Mario Lopez: I think you’re gonna.

Jamie Lee Curtis: What Ariana DeBose did at the Baptist was fun. It was by far the best live rat performance I’ve seen all year. It was incredible.

Mario Lopez: Well, good luck and have fun tonight. Oh no, I’m on my way home. It’s way past mommy’s bedtime.

Maria Menounos: Oh, I just love her. Now, one group that doesn’t traditionally watch the Oscars are Degenerate Gamblers. And that’s why this year we’re partnering with DraftKings to offer up to the minute gambling odds. What’s the latest update fellas?

Andrew: Well, guys, here are some of the latest betting lines. We got 3 to 1 odds that a young actor brings out an old actor in a wheelchair and regrets it immediately.

Devon: 2 in 1 that an actress who made $20 million last year will say the phrase “We are all Ukraine.”

Andrew: And 10 to 1 that someone in the in Memoriam is still alive.

Devon: We’re also seeing a lot of movement in the “Who’s gonna make a surprise appearance” poll.

Andrew: That’s right. Some of the favorite Long Shot picks so far are Chris Rock, Jared from Subway, Armie Hammer, The judges that overturn Roe V. Wade, George Santos pretending to be Tom Cruise, and this is 1 billion to 1 odds, Harvey Weinstein introduces Kanye West.

Maria Menounos: Wow, a girl can dream. But hold that thought because I’m told we have the stars of the Banshees of inner Sharon, Colin Farrell and Brandon Gleason.

Colin Farrell: Hello.

Maria Menounos: How do you guys like your chances tonight?

[Colin Farrell and Brandon Gleason start answering in hard Irish accents]

Mario Lopez: Wow, and they haven’t even started drinking yet.

Maria Menounos: This is so exciting. I’m being told we have Michelle Williams.

Mario Lopez: Close. It’s Michelle William’s Jewish acting coach for The Fablemans.

Sarah: Hello, hello, it’s wonderful to be here even though my hair is full cocked. But Barak Hashem, I’m here.

Maria Menounos: So is The Fablemans your first Hollywood project?

Sarah: Oh, sweetie, no. I was also that Jewish acting coach for marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and weirdly for Avatar. The third one is set in a thinly veiled Hasidic community, and I believe we have a photo.

Mario Lopez: And how did you think that Michelle’s performance turned out?

Sarah: Oh, for a goyim, she was amazing. And if I close my eyes and ears, I think she is Jewish. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find my acting coach Chuck Schumer.

Maria Menounos: Wow, I love getting that insight.

Mario Lopez: And finally, this is a surprise but we are joined by the one and only Tom Cruise.

George Santos: Hello, hi. Hi. Tom Cruise here. Wonderful to be here.

Maria Menounos: Oh my god. It’s George Santos.

George Santos: No, no, I’m definitely Thomas Q. Crew. Star of this year’s blockbuster film “Top Gun II: Top Bottom”.

Mario Lopez: George, you’re not fooling anyone.

George Santos: Yeah, except I did. And now I’m in Congress. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go be everyone everywhere all at once.

Maria Menounos: Okay, he’s a hoot. He’s a hoot.

Mario Lopez: Now, let’s take a quick break. And when we return, we’ll be talking with Pinocchio from Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio.

Pinocchio: I’m gonna scare so many kids.

Maria Menounos and Mario Lopez: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Jingle Pitch

Serena… Jenna Ortega

Mitchell… Mitchell Yang

Devon Walker

Chloe Fineman

Andrew Dismukes

James Austin Johnson

Serena: All right, troops. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Since breaking off from Donald’s Donalds Dominguez to form Donalds and Dominguez, we have not landed a single new client. You know why that is?

Devon: No.

Chloe: Not really.

Mitchell: It’s because Donald’s Donald’s Dominguez had a phone number that was easy to remember. And everybody in town knows their famous phone number jingle.

Serena: That’s right. We don’t have that. Mitchell, remind everyone of our number?

Mitchell: Our number is 1-672-555-0136.

Serena: What we need is to turn that number into a super catchy jingle

Chloe: But Serena there’s no way to create a catchy jingle with a number like that.

Serena: That’s where you’re wrong. My fellow partners, last Tuesday, Mitchell and I were at Luciano’s.

Mitchell: And yeah, I was drinking. No, I was getting tanked.

Serena: Mitchell got tanked at Luciano. But then this band got up on the stage and sang the catchiest pop funk hooks I had ever heard. Come on in guys.

[two guys walk in]

Andrew: Hey there.

James: Hello lawyers.

Andre: We are Soul Booth.

Serena: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Soul Booth. And they’re here to save us.

Andrew: Worked out a few demos for you.

James: Yeah, we heard you needed a pop funk hook that’ll stick on the mind leg grapevines.

Andrew: Maybe something like this. Here we go. Do you remember this one.

James: I do man.

Andrew: Ha-ha. Here we go. Come on.

[music playing]

Both: [singing] One.
Six-seven
Whoo!
Two.
Then three straight fives.
The next number is 0.
One.
Three.
And six.
Who you’re gonna call?
Who you’re gonna call?
Who you’re gonna call?
Donalds and Dominguez
Donalds and Dominguez

Serena: Guys. I’m sorry, I don’t think that’s gonna work for us.

Andrew: Uh-huh. And why is that?

Serena: It just doesn’t sound like what we heard at Luciano’s.

Andrew: Oh. You want that Luciano’s sound?

James: Yeah, you want it Luched?

Mitchell: Yes. This track should make me feel like I’m pegged up at Luch. Understood?

James: Loud and clear.

Andrew: Crystal.

Devon: Yeah, and the numbers should be closer together.

Chloe: Yeah, I think the numbers should be much closer together.

Andrew: Uh-huh. So it’ll be something like this. Ha-ha. You know this one?

James: I do, man.

Andrew: All right. Come on. Here we go. Here we go.

Both: 1-672-555-0136
Donalds and Dominguez

Serena: Guys, come on. That’s totally wrong. And you call that a Luched-up track?

Mitchell: I should feel five daiquiris deep posted u at Luch right now.

Serena: What is so hard about that?

Mitchell: What is so hard about writing a jingle that feels like I’m getting decked down in the back Luch? Ringing back to cut me off but then not barback with the glasses looking like Mayim Bialik that’s making the act up. What’s so hard about that?

Serena: Can you do that?

Andrew: Yes, ma’am.

James: Can do.

Devon: Okay. Yeah. And the number should be presented somewhat like a phone number.

Chloe: Or just anywhere near that would be great.

James: I think we might have just the thing.

Andrew: Absolutely. Let’s take a trip y’all. Everybody. I want to take you somewhere. Somewhere where there is no race, no religion. A little place we call home. But you may know as Luciano’s. Here we go. Here we go.

Both: 16,725,550,136

Andrew: One more time, that feels so good.

Both: 16,725,550,136

Andrew: So, what do you think?

Serena: Mitchell, did they do it? Is it Luci?

Mitchell: Serena, not only can I now perfectly recall the phone number of our law office, but more importantly, I feel absolutely ass-out, daked down, and looched up. My only question is how much?

Both: $10,000.

Mitchell: Less.

Both: 40 each.

Mitchell: Deal.

All: 16,725,550,136

Exorcism

Father… James Austin Johnson

Chloe Fineman

Andrew Dismukes

Claire… Jenna Ortega

Mrs. Shaw…Ego Nwodim

Frank… Kenan Thompson

Chloe: Father, can you save her? Can you save my daughter?

Father: I need Father Murphy? I can’t perform an exorcism alone.

[Claire is possessed]

Claire: You will rot in hell.

Andrew: Honey, hear my voice. I know you’re still in there, Claire.

[door knocking]

Chloe: Did someone just knock on our door?

Mrs. Shaw: Oh, hello. It’s the middle of the night. What is all the ruckus?

Chloe: Oh Father, this is our upstairs neighbor Mrs. Shaw.

Mrs. Shaw: Yeah, and I should have been asleep 45 minutes ago. But I guess you all decided to throw a party on a Tuesday.

Father: This isn’t a party, Mrs. Shaw.

Andrew: It’s our daughter. She’s been possessed.

Chloe: We’re waiting for Father Murphy.

Mrs. Shaw: Oh, don’t no one have to wait for him. I’ll do it.

Chloe: Do what?

Mrs. Shaw: The exorcism, I’m getting my sleep tonight.

[Claire is screaming]

[Mrs. Shaw also screams in the same way]

Mrs. Shaw: See, I can do it too, okay? You don’t scare me sweetie.

Father; You should be careful. You’re in over your head.

Mrs. Shaw: In over my head? You know I have been a crossing guard at Nasaau and Edge Mont for 40 years. That’s six lanes. Every day, I’m the only thing stopping 300 mean fifth graders from getting sent straight to hell by UPS truck. Now where the cross at? Give it here. Give it here.

[Father gives the cross to Mrs. Shaw.]

Okay hello. [Claire screaming] Okay, you need to get out. [Claire screaming] Uh-uh, use your words.

Claire: Suck my butt.

Mrs. Shaw: No ma’am, I don’t do all that. I tossed salad once, and I was like, “Um-um, this ain’t for me.”

Chloe: Maybe we should just wait for the priest, Mrs. Shaw.

Mrs. Shaw: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I need to get my eight hours. [Claire starts levitating] Oh-oh, where is she going?

Claire: You’re going to hell, you stupid whore.

Mrs. Shaw: Stupid what now? Oh honey, you’re gonna have to do much better than that. Yesterday a third grader called me “A used up skank.” What else you got? Come on.

Claire: You’re an ugly- um.. umm…

Mrs. Shaw: Umm… Umm… what? Look at your stuttering. Now sit down baby before I turn on the ceiling fan. [Claire falls down] That’s what thought.

Andrew: My god, is it working?

Mrs. Shaw: Yeah, it is. That is exactly what I thought.

Claire: Let me out.

Father: She’s expelling the demon. Quick. We’ll need a new vessel.

Mrs. Shaw: Oh okay good, I got you. I got you a vessel, all right. [walks to the window and screams upstairs] Frank! Get down here, Frank!

Frank: Woman, what do you want? I’m trying to sleep.

Mrs. Shaw: Oh, you kind of asleep, but you’re talking. [Claire starts levitating again] A little girl. your ass better not be levitating back there. [Claire falls down again]

Claire: Sorry, Mrs. Shaw.

Mrs. Shaw: Thank you baby.

Frank: Waking my ass up at 9pm in the middle of the night.

Mrs. Shaw: We doing an exorcism, Frank.

Frank: Yeah, well I shoulda been asleep 47 minutes ago.

Mrs. Shaw: Yeah, we know, baby. Now you gotta be a vessel for this demon.

Frank: Well, I want to do that.

Mrs. Shaw: Frank, if you don’t do it I’m a counselor sex date next week.

Frank: Oh, okay. Found my weak spot. Let me get situated first. All right. Come on now, demon. Do you worst. [Frank gets posses for a second, then continues reading the magazine.]

Claire: Oh my god. Mom, dad, what just happened? Why are the Shaws in our house? Shouldn’t they be asleep?

Chloe: Oh, my God. Mrs. Shaw, we can’t thank you enough.

Mrs. Shaw: Yeah, it’s all good. Y’all sleep tight now. Come on, Frank. Frank.

[Frank’s head is spinning around]

Frank: Ah! I don’t like this.