Tag: Chris Christie

Celebrity Family Feud- Political Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Ivanka Trump… Margot Robbie

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

Sarah Silverman… Melissa Villaseñor

Lin-Manuel Miranda… Cecily Strong

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Announcer: It’s time to play Family Feud: Political Edition. And here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay now. Okay. Welcome to Family Feud: Political Edition. We back from a two week break. I was out getting my teeth enlarged. Okay, today we got a big old rivalry. We got team Hillary Clinton taking on team Donald Trump. And on the Trump side, we got Trump campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Thanks. Thank you. Thank you for having us on Jeopardy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Huh? This is Family Feud.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

peaker Kellyanne Conway: Yeah, okay. So this is Jeopardy and if you look at all the signs and you are Alex Trebek, but let’s talk about the real Jeopardy which is the situation Hillary Clinton put us in taking money from Saudi princes and everyone here on Wheel Fortune can see that.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: I’ve seen you on TV. You always look like the last 10 minutes of prom. Okay, next we got Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka trump.

[Cut to Ivanka Trump. Her hair is flipping.]

Ivanka Trump: What a pleasure it is to be here Steve. This is fun. I love fun. Everyday I schedule 20 minutes of fun.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you sexy. Yeah. I know that might sound inappropriate, but if your daddy can say it, so can I. Next up, we got governor Chris Christie.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Hey, jersey strong, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, why you still with Trump? Is he gonna appoint you to a cabinet position or something?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Um, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Oh!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Too easy. And finally on team Trump, oh my god, it’s Vladimir Putin.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Man! Are you and Trump actually friends?

Vladimir Putin: [Russian accent] Kind of. We are Facebook friends.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh! You creepy. Last week, I had a nightmare about you.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Ha-ha-ha. I know!

[gives Steve Harvey creepy look]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Let’s go to the Hillary Clinton side. First, we got my main man, Bill Clinton.

[Cut to Bill Clinton]

[Cheers and applause]

Bill Clinton: Hello Steve. I… love… the Feud.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay now, you sure you okay with Hillary being president instead of you?

[Cut to Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: I mean, I can’t wait. Believe you me, I freaking love the White House. I mean, you know, I can hangout there, you know, no presidential stuff to do. Red phone rings and I just say, “Hey, you take that one, honey! I’ll be downstairs watching… The Police Academy.”

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, next up, we got comedian and Hillary Clinton supporter, Sarah Silverman.

[Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Sarah Silverman: Oh my god! We might be electing the first woman president. I feel so much pride from my head to my vagina. [laughing]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you that nasty kind of adorable. And next, we got Hamilton creator and number one rapper on PBS, Lin-Manuel Miranda.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel Miranda]

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Steve, when you’re asking for words is, my mind starts going with the couple of verses, not versus as in the left and the right, it’s the right and the wrong that keeps me up at night.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Was there a beat that I didn’t hear? No? Okay! Finally, we got senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Hello. Hello. Hello, Steve. When does this actually start? The whole thing is hellos. My grandmother can knit a sweater in that time.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, you out here supporting Hillary?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Absolutely. Look, senator Clinton is the prune juice of this election. She might not seem that appetizing, but if you don’t take her now, you’re gonna be clogged with crap for a very long time.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Give me Kellyanne and give me Bernie. Let’s get up here and play the Feud.

[Kellyanne Conway and Bernie Sanders walks to Steve Harvey at the stage]

[Kellyanne Conway shakes hands with Bernie Sanders]

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you, senator.

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes. The shake. Of course. Very important, the shake. Yes, yes.

Steve Harvey: Okay. 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. Name a reason people give for being late.

[Kellyanne Conway hits the buzzer]

Kellyanne.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, let’s see if I do not have an answer even though I did buzz in, um, so I’ll do what I usually do which is talk and talk until people forget the question and then I’m gonna make an insane claim about Hillary. Hillary Clinton is North Korean.

Steve Harvey: Okay then. Show me ‘A bunch of lies’.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, not up there. Bernie Sanders, a reason people give for being late.

Bernie Sanders: You need a reason why I’m late? Look at me. Everywhere I go, it looks like I just finished chasing a bus.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me ‘Looking like a Jewish weirdo’.

[Right answer bell. The board shows ‘Missed the bus’.]

Hey! Number three answer. Okay, y’all wanna play or pass?

[Cut to team Hillary]

All: Let’s play.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Kellyanne Conway and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: You know what? We’ll get a pass.

Steve Harvey: But your team mates said they wanted to play.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Good for them. We’re gonna pass. It seems like a hassle.

Steve Harvey: Alright, let’s go to team Trump.

[Steve Harvey and Kellyanne Conway walk to team Trump]

Okay, Ivanka Trump, what’s the reason people give for being late?

Ivanka Trump: What an interesting and wonderful question, Steve. May I ask my brothers for help?

Steve Harvey: They not here.

[Cut to Ivanka Trump standing with a smile. Her brothers stand up. They were hiding behind her.]

Trump brothers: Yes, we are.

Steve Harvey: Oh! Who is this?

Donald Jr: I am Donald Jr., the brains.

Ivanka Trump: I’m Ivanka, the beauty.

Eric: And I’m Eric.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me ‘Children are the con’. [wrong answer buzzer] It’s not up there.

Trump brothers: Too bad.

[Kellyanne Conway and the Trump brothers slowly get down and hide.]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Chris Christie. A reason people give for being late.

Chris Christie: Well, I’m late because I have been working very hard on behalf of Mr. Donald Trump.

Steve Harvey: OH, you really like him. You said some horrible things about him in the primaries though.

Chris Christie: It’s water on to the bridge. [hits the table] Dang, Christie! Come on!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Steve Harvey: Let’s just go over to Vladamir Putin.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin. He is shirtless and is jacked.]

Yeah. Let’s not!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Okay, team Clinton, [Steve Harvey walks to team Clinton] it’s your chance to steal. Ivanka, what you doing over here?

[Ivanka is talking with Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: We’re just getting acquainted.

Ivanka Trump: He is very nice.

Bill Clinton: [to Ivanka Trump] Do you like what wings? Really good wings?

Steve Harvey: William! William Jefferson Clinton. Alright everybody, give me some answers. Come on. Reason why people are late.

Bill Clinton: That’s my business.

Sarah Silverman: I was so high.

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Love is love is love is love.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, good answers there. Bernie Sanders, final guess. A reason why you’re late.

Bernie Sanders: Maybe you’re late because people like Jill Stein call you in the middle of the night asking you for advice. That woman drives me nuts. For someone who cares about the environment, she sure doesn’t mind asking people to throw their votes away, hah? Hah? Pretty clever. You didn’t know I was so clever, did you? Hah?

Steve Harvey: You got a lot on your mind. Show me bothered by Jill Stein.

[right answer bell. The board shows ‘Bothered by Jill Stein’ as number one answer.]

Oh! Number one answer. Well, once again, Hillary getting that Hollywood money. We’re gonna go to commercial. [Cut to Steve Harvey] During this time, I stare at my shoes and I don’t talk to nobody. We’ll see ya’.

[The End]

Donald Trump’s Vice President Cold Open

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ivanka Trump… Vanessa

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Donald Trump speaking on the phone in Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: No, it’s true. I’m telling you. Mr. Trump is the real life inspiration for Ironman. Who am I? I’m his publicist, Joey Pepperoni. No, I’m not Donald Trump in disguise. This is just what classing people sound like. Okay.

[Ivanka Trump walks in]

Ivanka: Dad, Chris Christie is here. He sort of wants to discuss potential vice-presidents. Uh, he’s sort of been waiting downstairs for two hours.

Donald Trump: Fine. Send him in.

[Chris Christie walks in]

Chris Christie: Hey, is that Joey pepperoni I see? Seriously though. Donald, I’m honored that you asked me to help you find your next VP.

Donald Trump: I appreciate your help. I really do. I need someone experienced, loyal, strong.

Chris Christie: Yeah. That sounds like somebody I know. It sounds like Chris Christie. Wait, who said that? Did you hear that? Why did that come from?

Donald Trump: Whatever? What have you got for me?

Chris Christie: Uh, well I thought one strong option could be a Jeb Bush.

[Donald Trump and Chris Christie laughing hard]

Okay, but seriously, what about Carly Fiorina?

Donald Trump: I do feel a kinship with Carly. She’s also an outsider who ran a very unsuccessful business.

Chris Christie: She can help you with your woman problem too. I mean, women look up to her.

Donald Trump: For what? She’s a big cup, tops.

Chris Christie: [laughing] That is very good. I wish I could work for someone as funny as you have some day. [giggling] Okay. Moving on. How about a guy from a swing state, Florida? He’s a half Hispanic with a proven track record of standing up for himself.

Donald Trump: George Zimmerman.

Chris Christie: No, no, no, no, no, no. Marco Rubio.

Donald Trump: Oh, little Martha. I can’t ask him to be VP until his parents signed the release form. I need someone who can lead. Where do I find that?

Chris Christie: It beats me. [showing his own photo] Oh my God. How did this get in here? Now, that is crazy. Look at that. Maybe. Yes, maybe. No, maybe. Yeah. Okay. All right. Now this next one, it’s a little outside the box, but I feel very strongly about it. Hear me out. Bruce Springsteen. I mean, come on! He’s the boss. You’re the boss. He was born to run.

Donald Trump: He is a Democrat.

Chris Christie: [yelling He is a god. I’m sorry. Do you have any idea, sir?

Donald Trump: What about John Kasich? He’s smart, experienced. He can help us in Ohio.

Chris Christie: He said he’s not interested.

Donald Trump: He’s a loser. Big fat loser. What about Nikki Haley?

Chris Christie: Also interested.

Donald Trump: Ted Cruz?

Chris Christie: Hard no.

Donald Trump: Paul Ryan?

Chris Christie: He said, not right now, but he will see you in hell.

Donald Trump: Lindsey Graham.

Chris Christie: He said he would love to, but then he laughed so hard that I had to walk away.

Donald Trump: It doesn’t make any sense. Why doesn’t anyone want to be my VP?

Chris Christie: If I may be so bold, sir? I think anyone who didn’t want to be your VP would be a damn fool. [music playing] You are such a special candidate. Maybe, just maybe, the person you’ve been looking for this whole time standing in this room right now.

Donald Trump: You are so right. Ben Carson, you want to be vice president?

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Oh, that would be hell exciting.

Donald Trump: Great. Let’s do it.

All: And live from New York it’s Saturday Night.

[The End]

CNN Election Center Cold Open

Jake… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Mitt Romney… Jason Sudeikis

[Starts with Jake in his set]

Jake: It’s been a crazy week in politics. So, as tonight’s election results continue to roll in, let’s take a look back at past seven days. Donald Trump was endorsed by governor Chris Christie and dominated super Tuesday. Here’s what he had to say at the celebratory press conference.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Chris Christie]

Donald Trump: What a great, great night. I really am running the best campaign, aren’t I? The media is saying they haven’t seen anything like this. Not since Germany in the 1930s. I mean, everyone loves me. Racists, ugly racists, people who didn’t even know they were racists, people who’s eyes are like this, [making faces], and this guy loves me, don’t you? [talking to the audience] Wait, what’s that? Get him out! As I was saying, everyone loves me. I even got this fat piece of crap behind me now. [pointing at Chris Christie] Isn’t that right, Chris?

Chris Christie: Yes, sir. Thank you sir. Please sir. May I have another.

Donald Trump: I mean, he really is a sad desperate little potato back there. Aren’t you, Chris?

Chris Christie: Yes, sir. Thank you sir. Please sir. May I have another.

Donald Trump: No. Go get on a plane. Go home.

Chris Christie: Okay. You got it.

[Chris Christie leaves]

Donald Trump: Also, P.S. America, I have a great, big, huge dick.

[Cut to Jake in his set]

Jake: Alright viewers, I know this is gonna be boring, but let’s take a quick look at the democrats. Tonight is shaping up to be a big night for Bernie, but Hillary Clinton scored big on super Tuesday. Here’s a clip of her thanking supporters.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. There are many black people standing behind her.]

Hillary Clinton: Yes, hello. Hello. Thank you. I’d just like to say, thank the f-ing lord! I won seven states tonight and to celebrate, I bought myself this brand new storm trooper coat. And to everyone who voted for me, thank you for trusting that I, Hillary Clinton, can bring this country together. Just like I brought these 10 black people and one Muslim person together behind me tonight for this speech. Yes! I hear these people are great, they are strong, they’re beautiful and they’ve all been punched in the nose at the Trump rally. And speaking of Trump, he is on track to become the Republican nominee. So, to all of you voters our there who have thought for years “I hate Hillary, I can never vote for her”, to you I say, “Welcome.” Coz I’ve got clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, and here you are stuck in the middle with me! Yes!

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Powerful speech. Now, let’s get back to the fun stuff, the republicans. Tonight’s election results are in and here to talk about his big win is senator Ted Cruz. Caution: We’re about to show his whole face on the screen. So viewer discretion is advised.

[Cut to split screen of Jake and Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Hello, Jake.

[Jake gets scared looking at his face]

Jake: Still got me even though I knew it was coming.

Ted Cruz: Happens to everyone.

Jake: Now, senator. Tonight you beat Trump in both Kansas and Maine which was a huge upset.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: That’s right. I beat him good. And when I beat someone, it hurts because I still wear my big ugly class ring. [showing the ring he’s wearing on his finger] Ha-ha-ha. That’s right. I’m one of those guys.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But you did still lose tonight in Kentucky and Louisiana.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: And that’s okay. I still love those states like they’re my own children. An Just like my own children, tonight those states said, “Ew, gross. I hate you.”

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Now senator, let’s talk quickly about Thursday’s GOP debate which many called ‘Craze Balls’.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Oh, yes. The debate was so much fun. I talked policy. I laid out my plan for America. And right at the end, I ate a tiny little white booger off my lip.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Yes, that was absolutely disgusting.

Ted Cruz: Ha-ha. I know, right? [laughing]

Jake: Alright, thank you senator. [Cut to Jake] And finally joining us now, he came out strong against Donald Trump. With the unprecedented public address on Thursday, 2012 presidential candidate, Mitt Romney. Hello governor.

[Cut to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney: Hello, Jake. Hi, Jake. Thanks for having me. Now, that’s right America, I’m back. You didn’t ask for it but you got it.

[Cut to split screen of Jake and Mitt Romney]

Jake: Now governor, why have you decided to speak out against Donald Trump?

Mitt Romney: Well Jake, for the last nine months, I’ve sat down and watched Donald Trump say something every day that was either racist or sexist. [Cut to Mitt Romney] And we in the GOP, the party of the great Ronald Regan, we do not say racist and sexist things. We imply them, shuttly over decades and decades of policy. So I felt that I had to take matters into my own tanned well manicured hands and follow the advise of my favorite rapster, Macklemore. That’s right. And I chose to put Donald Trump on blast. America, he’s a fool.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Four years ago, he endorsed you for president.

[Cut to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney: Like I said, he’s a fool. He’s a fraud. He’s a scam. He’s a what? He’s a what? He’s a flimflam man. Now, if you vote for Donald Trump, and I hate to use a curse word on television, but if you vote for him, you’re a sucker. Aw, forgive me Joseph Smith. Oh, boy.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Wow. You are pretty riled up.

Mitt Romney: Yeah. You’re gosh darn right I am. [Cut to Mitt Romney] And that’s why on last Thursday, I rolled up my $1,000 monogram sleeves, I took a couple of shots of non-alcoholic kahlua, I did 10 women’s pushups and then I went out there and I gave the most aggressive passionate well measured anti-Trump speech I could.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: And you think your speech changed the minds of any Trump supporters?

Mitt Romney: I do not.

Jake: Do you think any Trump supporters even watched?

Mitt Romney: Not on purpose. No.

Jake: You think your speech hurt Trump at all?

Mitt Romney: Honestly, I would assume it probably helped him.

Jake: Alright, is there anything you would like to say directly to Donald Trump?

[Cut to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney: Yes, yes, there is. Donald, you’re duplicitous, you’re reckless and if you become the republican nominee, know this, I would make a great vice president. and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[The End]

Republican Debate

Neil Cavuto… Kyle Mooney

Maria Bartiromo… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson

[Starts with republican debate intro]

Male voice: Live on the Fox Business Network, it’s the 6th republican debate.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Hello and welcome back. I’m FOX business rock star Neil Cavuto.

Neil: And I’m Maria Bartiromo. A reminder, we’ve lost a few competitors since the last debate with only seven joining us tonight. So remember candidates, if at any time tonight, your poll numbers drop below 3%, you will hear a loud gong, then be escorted off the stage like the showtime at the Apollo. At which point you’ll take a seat in the audience next to that sweet rose of the Carolina’s senator Lindsey Graham.

[Cut to Lindsey Graham sitting at the audience and smiling at the camera.]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

The next question for our front runner Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump.]

Donald Trump: Thank you Maria Toniromo.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Mr. Trump. Since the last debate, Ted Cruz has pulled ahead of you in Iowa. Is it true you’ve started attacking him because you see him as a threat?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Franky Maria, I’m glad everyone is talking about my good friend Rafael Eduardo Cruz. People are coming up to me all the time saying, “Donald, Ted Cruz was born in Canada. He can’t be president. This campaign is illegal.” Their words, not mine.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Donald, this debate about natural born citizenship is just political nonsense. Clearly I’m not Canadian. Canadians are well act. I am not. Canadians are rugged and outdoorsy where I myself am mostly made of pudding. Canadians are genuine and warm whereas when I smile, it looks like I’m peeing.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Alright governor Christie, if I ask you a question, do you promise not to turn your answer into a tie raid against president Obama?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: I promise.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: How would you change the tax code?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Barack Obama is the worst president in the history. And when Chris Christie is president, the first thing we will do is kick your rear end out of the White House buddy.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Well, whoever is elected, president Obama will be required to leave. It will be the end of his term.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Duh! Yeah! Coz I’m gonna send him packing.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: He will already have packed and left because his term will be over.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Yeah, well.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: This next question is for Jeb.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: It is?

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Wait, I’m sorry. I’m wrong. It says Ted. Ted Cruz.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Aw!

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Mr. Cruz. You suggested Mr. Trump embodies New York values. Could you explain what you mean by that?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: I think most people know exactly what New York values are. And frankly, they’re not the rest of the country’s values. Instead of celebrating Christmas, New Yorkers celebrate a pagan holiday called Festivus. Instead of watching American football, they challenge each other to masturbation contests. In New York, people don’t say hi to their neighbors. They say, “Hello, Newman.”

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Sounds like you’re describing the TV show ‘Seinfeld’. Is that what you mean by New York values?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Believe me, if I could say liberal Jews, I would.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Dr. Carson. You’ve said we’re not doing enough to dismantle and destroy ISIS. What would you do as president?

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: Well, whenever I think of ISIS I get so furious. I just go into beast mode. Okay, look. Okay, wars change in the 6,000 years that the earth has existed. Our enemies can now send an electromagnetic pulse into our exo-atmosphere  scrambling our electro-city. I’m talking dirty bombs, cyber fights, laser people and robo-trons.

[Cut to Chris Christie and Ben Carson. Chris Christie moves away from Ben Carson.]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Mr. Trump, we now turn to China.

[Cut to Donald Trump looking at his phone.]

Donald Trump: Hold on. I’m getting a call from a respected expert. Hello. What? You’re saying Jeb Bush is a little girl?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: No I’m not.

Donald Trump: And he can’t be president because his hands are bigger than his face.

Jeb Bush: That’s not true. Look! Dang it!

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Our next question is for Marco Rubio.

[Cut to Marco Rubio]

Marco Rubio: Um, can I ask my question myself? Um, why am I not winning? Is it the boots? I can lose the boots. I mean come on! I’m young. I’m smart.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: What did he say?

Neil: Um, I wasn’t listening. Um, finally we turn to governor Bush. Governor, would you like to tell everyone the joke I heard you practicing in the bathroom earlier?

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Okay. In Hillary’s first 100 days as president, she’s going from the White House to the Court House. [laughing]

[Cut to Donald Trump shaking his head]

Donald Trump: It’s okay. You don’t need to tell jokes because you are one, Zebra.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: That’s not my name.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes it is. And I have a good authority that Zebra is wearing spanks right now.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: You shut up. They’re for support.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Alright. We’ll take our first break–

[someone hands a paper to Maria]

Oh, this is exciting. We have confirmation that Chris Christie has just dipped below 3% in the national polls.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

[gong sound]

Chris Christie: Wait! Come on!

[Kenan walks in wearing a white suit dancing and escorts Chris Christie out]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Well, that’s a lot of fun. We’ll be right back with more. And …

Neil and Maria: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

GOP Debate Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Jon Rudnitsky

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Carly Fiorina… Cecily Strong

Chris Christie…Bobby Moynihan

Rand Paul… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Republican Presidential Debate intro]

Male voice: Live from the Venetian Hotel, Las Vegas, it’s the Republican Debate, with your moderator Wolf Blitzer.

Wolf Blitzer: Good evening. For those of you who missed our earlier under card debate featuring Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum, well the results are in and everybody lost. Now, let’s meet the candidates. Nine are here tonight. The five who actually have a chance are  [Cut to the candidates] Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, Marco Rubio and poor sweet Jeb Bush.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

With the rest of you just wave so your parents know you’re here.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Carly Fiorina waving]

[Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul waving]

Chris Christie: Hey, baba-boy!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: We will begin with the front runner, Mr. Trump here. Opening remarks.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Debates are stupid. You should be paying me and Wolf Blitzer looks like Papa Smurf.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Wolf, May I take a desperate swing at Donald now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead Mr. Bush.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: This is what he does. He says these offensive things then he bullies anyone who challenges him. Well guess what, you can’t insult your way to the presidency.

Donald Trump: Oh really jug head? Coz I’m at 43 and you’re at three. Jeb, you’re a nice guy but you’re a light weight. And I know for a fact that you pee setting down.

Jeb Bush: No I don’t.

Donald Trump: Yes you do.

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, let’s go to the surging Ted Cruz. Senator, [Cut to Ted Cruz] you said you will relentlessly carpet bomb ISIS. Is this a real strategy?

Ted Cruz: Well, Wolf, if I’m president I can promise you, ISIS will hate me and how do I know? Because everyone who knows me hates me. Democrats hate me. Republicans hate me. I have what doctors call, a punch-able face. Political actually did a poll and I was voted the candidate most people wanted to throw a beer at. So look out, ISIS, because I’m gonna crash your party. And just like every party I go to, I’m gonna ruin it.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Governor Christie, what steps would you take to keep Americans safe?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Wolf, I would like to answer that with a series of fear-mongering statements.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: We are under attack and we are all gonna die. Mothers are putting their kids on buses and these buses are being driven off-cliffs by terrorists. Today in our great country, one out of every three babies born are already in ISIS. They are here folks, and I am the only one up here with a stones to take them on. I am a cowboy on a steel horse I ride, Bon Jovi forever!

[Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul]

Rand Paul: Listen to this man. He’s trying to start World War III.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Sir, we’re not taking comments from the audience yet.

[Cut to Rand Paul looking angry]

Rand Paul: No, I’m Rand Paul. I’m up here.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Oh, sorry. Well, let’s go to Dr. Carson. Doctor, do you, a brain surgeon, have the experience in toughness to deal with world leaders like Vladimir Putin?

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: Well that question makes me furious, Wolf. I might go ham up in here right now. Of course I can be tough. As a surgeon, I have to tell people things they don’t wanna hear. Not that they have to have brain surgery. That it be performed by me, a man who they believe to be asleep. But I’m not asleep. I am amped, I am jacked and I’m ready to throw down. What do you think of that, Mr. Putin?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Miss Fiorina, your thoughts.

[Cut to Carly Fiorina]

Carly Fiorina: You wanna talk about Putin, I know Vladimir Putin personally. I sold him an HP printer and now he hates my guts. It doesn’t work. It never worked. And when Putin calls me to complain, I just smile that classic Carly Fiorina smile.

[Carly Fiorina smiles showing her teeth]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay, well looks like Jeb’s got his courage back up.

[Cut to Jeb Bush. Looks like he’s warming up for sports.]

He is ready to take another run at Trump.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Mr. Bush, go ahead and say out loud what you’ve been quietly muttering to yourself.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Trump? I mean, [Cut to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump] this guy is the chaos candidate. Am I right? Chaos. Is he for real? Nah, man.

Donald Trump: Jeb, you’re a very nice man but you’re basically a little girl. Folks, this is true. I got hold of Jeb’s birth certificate in full disclosure. His real name is Zebra.

Jeb Bush: That is not true.

Donald Trump: That is true. Yes, it is. Jeb-bra. Jeb-bra.

Jeb Bush: That’s not my name. That’s not my name.

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, lose say what?

Jeb Bush: What? Oh, come on!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Let’s move on to senator Rubio. Senator, few weeks ago, you were many people’s pick as the most electable candidate. Tonight you’re in 4th place. Are you resonating with the voters?

[Cut to Marco Rubio]

Marco Rubio: Wolf, let’s remember one thing. I am by far, the most attractive person on this stage. I’m a hard seven, baby! I’m young, Cuban, and let’s face it, I’m the only one up here you’d swipe right on. [Cut to Ben Carson. He’s wearing glasses that has wide open eyes printed on them.] So why am I losing to this guy who is asleep right now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, before we go to commercial, we’ll give Jeb one last chance to make an impression.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Alright guys, listen. If we work together we can stop Donald Trump. Combine my numbers with [pointing to other candidates] your’s, your’s and your’s, we’d almost win.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, shut your pot hole

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Okay, you know what? You’re a jerk! You’re never gonna be president, Donald.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah, no kidding. None of us are genius. And I’ll tell ya something else. Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

[The End]

On The Record With Greta Van Susteren

Greta Van Susteren… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with On The Record W/ Greta Van Susteren intro]

Male voice: You’re watching On The Record W/ Greta Van Susteren.

[Cut to Greta in her set]

Greta: Good evening, I’m Greta Van Susteren. Now, I’m gonna try this again now. She sells sea shells by the sea– no, I can’t do it. Tonight, Donald Trump has doubled down on his proposal to ban all Muslims from entering America. And some of them criticize the other GOP candidates for not condemning his comings more strongly. Joining me first in the studio is senator Ted Cruz.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Hello Greta. Um, a friend of mine wanted to say hello to you. I think you’ve heard of him. He’s the US constitution.

[Cut to Greta and Ted Cruz]

Greta: Okay, senator. A lot of GOP primary voters agree with Trump and you need those also. Will you go on the record and condemn what Mr. Trump said?

Ted Cruz: Well Greta, [Cut to Ted Cruz] I am not afraid to take a stand on this. When I heard Donald Trump’s comments on Muslims, I said, “Wow…”

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: And we’re talking ‘Wow’ like, “Wow, that’s crazy!’ or ‘wow’ like “Oh, that’s a good idea”?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Exactly!

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: But Cruz, do you support ban on Muslims, yes or no?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Well, put simply, nyes.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Nyes? Is that no or a yes?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: [laughing] It is indeed.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Okay, we’re gonna come back to you senator. And joining us now via satellite is governor Chris Christie.

[Cut to split screen of Chris Christie and Greta]

Chris Christie: Hey, how you doing?

Greta: Yea, governor Christie, your reaction?

Chris Christie: Alright, look. [Cut to Chris Christie] This guy Trump is a clown, okay? He’s a total joke. The last thing anyone wants is some loud mouth bully from the tri-state area who hearls insult of people like a fat headed jabroni. Greta, look, I wanna make a very clear distinction. When Mr. Trump insults Muslims, those are not the values of the republican party. They’re simply the values of people who vote for the republican party. So in that sense and in that sense only, go Trump!

[Cut to Chris Christie and Greta]

Greta: Ya, but you don’t think we should block Muslims from entering?

Chris Christie: Yea. What we need to do is build a bridge between Muslims and Americans. [Cut to Chris Christie] Okay? But we have to make that bridge really hard to cross. You know? Like, really slow down the flow of traffic on the bridge until that son of a bitch for Fort Lee gets the message.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Okay. Finally, joining us from his campaign White Quarters in Virginia, Dr. Ben Carson.

[Cut to split screen between Ben Carson and Greta]

Ben Carson: Hi, Greta. I just drank a Redbull and I am fired up about this. [Cut to Ben Carson] But first, can I just ask, what happened to me? I mean, when I left for the Middle East, I was tied for number one in the polls. When I came back a week later, everyone had forgotten about me. My campaign headquarters got cleared out and they’re turning it into an office for DraftKings.com. I mean, did I winkle myself? Have I been asleep for years?

[Cut to Ben Carson and Greta]

Greta: You have fallen quite a bit in the polls. And it seems like some are now questioning your foreign policy experience.

Ben Carson: Listen, but that’s why I went to visit the lovely country of Jordans.

Greta: Jordan.

Ben Carson: I met with the Sheits and the Heits.

Greta: That’s alright.

Ben Carson: And I talk to them all about radical groups. Humus, ISIS, even Outgator.

Greta: Oh, no. So, you think we should hit ISIS head on.

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: That’s right. Head on. Which is always also the first rule of brain surgery. Always leave the head on.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Well, that’s all the time we have. It seems like no one was willing to stand up to Mr. Trump and offer a full condemnation.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Did you say constitution?

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: No. I said condemnation.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Oh, well you’re absolutely right, Greta. This is not a condom nation. This is a Christian nation.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Oh my gosh, my soul hurts. For On The Record, I’m Greta Van Susteren.

[The End]