The Price Is Right Celebrity Edition

Drew… Beck Bennett

Lil’ Wayne… Chris Redd

Ramal… Kenan Thompson

Tilda Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Marcia… Leslie Jones

Chris Hemsworth… Alex Moffat

Amanda… Miley Cyrus

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Derek… Pete Davidson

Ariana Grande… Melissa Villaseñor

Tony Bennett… Alec Baldwin

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

[Starts with ‘the Price is Right’ intro] [Cut to Drew]

Drew: Welcome back to the ‘Price is Right’. The favorite show of people who are in between jobs. Hang in there. I’m your host, Drew Carey. It’s celebrity week. Hollywood’s biggest stars are playing alongside contestants from our studio audience. Starting with Lil Wayne and Ramal.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Lil’ Wayne: Bitches love lil’ Weezy. And Lil’ Weezy loves moolah, baby!

Ramal: Yeah. And Ramal Johnson also loves moolah, baby.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Tilda Swinton and Marsha.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: I’ve been watching ‘the Price is Right’ since I was a little girl growing up on the planet Krypto.

Marcia: Um, yeah. I’m going to need another famous person.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Ah! No tradesies. Next up from the new ‘Thor’ movie, Chris Hemsworth and Amanda.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, good day. I’m Chris and I walked here. I like to walk, yeah? Get the blood pumping. yeah. Back home, I walk from Mumumaloo over to Katoomba up to the Hawke’s Bay river and that was all before I had me morning Salmon. First question, yes.

Amanda: You’re really cute.

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah. Sorry, love. I’m married.

Amanda: Do you have a brother?

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: And Bernie Sanders and Derek.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek

Bernie Sanders: Thank you. It’s good to be here. [cheers and applause] But I just wanna say this show is a travesty. Consumerism disguised as entertainment. That being said, I do need a new dinette set.

Derek: Are you okay?

Bernie Sanders: Better than ever. We’re gonna win this thing the Bernie way. Which means if I lose, I’ll being everyone else down with me.

Derek: Whoo! Bernie’s back!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. The winner of this round will join Ariana Grande and the legendary Tony Bennett who are standing by at the wheel.

[Cut to Tony Bennett and Ariana Grande]

Ariana Grande: I’m excited to spin that wheel with you, Tony.

Tony Bennett: What?

Ariana Grande: We’re gonna spin the wheel.

Tony Bennett: Yeah, my grandfather worked in steel, too.

Ariana Grande: No. The wheel.

Tony Bennett: Wheel! That’s right. Just like the tiny little wheels of cheese you eat because you’re a mouse. Speaking of wheels, are your intestines spinning out of control? If so, reach fo some Imodium AD. [Tony Bennett shows a box of Imodium AD] AD stands for Anti-dump. Give it a chance before you fill your pants. Reach for Imodium AD. It will keep your colon sighter than a Scotsman’s coin purse. Back to you, Bob Barker.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: It’s Drew. It’s been Drew for 10 years. Okay. Alright, now, let’s start the bidding on a Samsung high efficiency washing machine. Our guest announcer Sofia Vergara will explain the features.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing with a brand new washing machine]

Sofia Vergara: Yes, thank you, Drew. This appliance, a big capacity and fast spin. Like a cat in a tornado. I love the image I create with my own words.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thank you, Sofia. And what movie are you here to promote?

[Cut to Sofia Vergara]

Sofia Vergara: Pepsi! [holding a Pepsi can] [Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. Lil’ Wayne an Ramal, your bid.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Ramal: Oh, man. I could really use a new washing machine.

Lil’ Wayne: We bid $92,000.

Ramal: Wait man. That’s a little high.

Lil’ Wayne: I’m a little high. Here, have some, it’s basically poison. [passing Ramal his cup of drink] [Ramal takes a sip]

Ramal: Damn! $92,000!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Put $92,000 on the board. Tilda Swinton and Marcia, your bid.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: Oh, I’m alright. I don’t need another tiny spaceship. Mine is working fine.

Marcia: What is this little dutch boy talking about? This is a washing machine.

Tilda Swinton: Oh, a washing machine. Of course. I bid David Bowie’s soul. Wink, wink. [whispering] I have it.

Marcia: Someone call 911. That is a pistachio loose from the nut house.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Let’s put David Bowie’s soul on the board. Next, we have Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. What’s your bid?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Um, I would like to phone a friend, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: As I have already told you multiple times back stage, that’s not a thing you can do on this show.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. Liam Hemsworth is with them.]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, too late. I already did it to my brother.

Liam: I ran here as soon as you called, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright, how much do you think the washer costs?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth, Amanda and Liam Hemsworth]

Chris Hemsworth: Well, in the outback mate, we don’t really use money. We rely on a complex bartering system.

Amanda: Oh, no. That ain’t good.

Liam Hemsworth: We bit 150 crocodile teeth. Boom! Ha-ha.

Chris Hemsworth: Love it.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Put that on the board if you can. And finally, Derek and Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders: I’ll tell you what I think, Drew.

Derek: Already a bad start.

Bernie Sanders: The real problem in this country is American consumerism. Who needs a washer? When I need to wash that one suit I own, I just wait until it rains. I stand outside for DrewMarcia minutes. And then I jog behind a bus until the exhaust dries me off.

Derek: Okay, cool. But I need this money.

Bernie Sanders: Oh, you need money. I’ll tell you how to get money. Here’s what you do. When you go to a gas station and you see the ‘Take a penny, leave a penny’, you always take a penny. That’s how I bought my first house. Our bid is eight cents, Drew. And that’s a generous price.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: The actual price is $600.

[winner music playing. The camera zooms to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders and Derek, you’re the only team that didn’t over-bid or bid in non-currency. So you are our winner. [Cut to Drew] When we come back, you will have a chance to play plinko. Sofia, tell them how it works.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing in front of the game board.]

Sofia Vergara: It’s Plinko.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thanks Sofia. I love the way she moves.

[Tony Bennett walks in]

Tony Bennett: And speaking of moves, are your pipes clogged up worse than a Porta Potty at Lollapalooza?

Drew: Please don’t do this.

Tony Bennett: Then reach for Dulcolax. [showing a box of Dulcolax] You drop one of these plinko chips into your tum tum and 10 minutes later, your sphincter starts paying out like a slot machine. We are talking the loosest slots in Carson city.

Drew: Alright, we’ll be right back.

Tony Bennett: [singing] Dulcolax, we’ll blow up your hole.

Drew: With more of the Price is Right.

Pirate Ship

Bulmier… Chris Hemsworth

Cecily Strong

Strike Pete… Taran Killam

Cathro Jake… Kenan Thompson

Mark… Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with pirates in their ship]

Bulmier: Drink up, boys. And mind your manners, we have a guest.

[Cut to Bulmier and Cecily. Bulmier his holding Cecily hostage.]

The governor will pay a fine ransom for you.

Cecily: You’re disgusting.

Bulmier: Oh yes, thank you. Now, let’s give her a little of pirate’s welcome. Ha-ha.

[music playing] [The pirates start dancing]

My name is captain Bulmier
I ride upon the waves
and if the Queen sends her ships
I’ll send them to the graves

[Cut to Strike]

Strike: I’m Strike Pete, the gunner
my aim is deadly true
I’ll send a ball right through your hole
and sink you in the blue

[Cut to Cathro]

Cathro: I’m Cathro Jake, the buccaneer
my soul is scarred and dead
and if you dare to cross me
me knife goes in your head 

[Cut to everybody. Mark swings by the rope.]

Mark: My name is Mark and I keep things fun.

Cecily: Who was that?

Strike: Use your pretty ears. That was Mark.

Cathro: And he keeps things fun.

[Cut to Mark, showing his stuffed parrot.]

Mark: I made a little outfit for the parrot. It’s the kind of stuff I do, keeping it light, keeping it fun. Expect this kind of stuff from me.

[The pirates are laughing]

Pirates: [singing] So, bury me bones with Devi Jones
and drink rum for me


Bulmier: How good is Mark.

[Cut to Cecily, blushing]

Cecily: He is not bad.

[Bulmier walks to Cecily]

Bulmier: Not bad? Not bad? He’s the best!

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Uh, gentlemen, I’m sitting on the cannon.

[Cut to Bulmier and Cecily]

Bulmier: [laughing] Mark, what re you up to?

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: I don’t know, but I don’t feel so good. [putting his one hand over his stomach as if he has upset stomach] [Mark lights up the cannon and as the cannon blows, he acts as it was his fart.]


[Cut to everybody laughing]

Cecily: Okay, you’re right. Mark is the best.

Bulmier: See? That’s what Mark does. He makes–

[Cut to Strike and Cathro]

Cathro: Every ship needs a Mar. The sea will drive you mad without a buffoon to keep you guessing.

Strike: Mark’s got this character he does named Jeffy. [laughing] He’s got two hooks or hands and he– you know what? I’m not even doing it juts as you. You just have to see it.

[Cut to everybody]

Bulmier: Mark, do the dance. Do thedance.

Mark: I don’t know. Give me a beat.

[The pirates start clapping and tapping] [Mark walks forward and starts does nae-nae and other pop dances.] [As dancing, Mark falls down the ship.] [Cut to the pirates looking down the ship]

Cathro: What?

Strike: Oh my god!

[As the pirates are looking for Mark down the ship, Mark walks in from behind and looks down with them.]

Mark: Good riddens to that guy now.

[Pirates are laughing] [Cut to everybody]

Strike: You just went over boars.

Cathro: And you’re not even wet. I am! How did you do that?

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: You want me to say? It’s so obvious you’re gonna be made that you didn’t figure it out.

[Cut to Bulmier and Cathro]

Bulmier: No, no. I don’t want to know.

Cathro: I mean I do, but I don’t.

Bulmier: Well, let’s sway anchor and let’s sail lands.

[Cut to Mark. He has hooks on his both hands.]

Mark: Hey guys, can someone help me in the bathroom?

[Cut to everybody]

Strike: Oh, Jeffy! Jeffy!

Cathro: He is doing the Jeffy.

[Pirates laughing] [The End]

Male Strippers

Host… Kenan Thompson

Phil… Taran Killam

Brandon… Chris Hemsworth

Keith… Jay Pharoah

Craig… Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with the host of Hunk Junction speaking on the stave]

Host: Okay everybody, let’s calm down. Now, I’m very sorry that I got so upset with that woman. But there is no outside food allowed in the strip club. Now I know you wanna have a good time. But a full styrofoam play to chicken vindaloo, that will not work. Have some respect for the people around you, and also yourself. Look at the mess that she left. [Cut to a table where left overs from packed food is left.] Looks like a whole came through here.

[music playing]

Now you ladies ready to get horned up? You wanna see some peen?

[Cut to the ladies audience cheering and applauding.] [Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, we got a great lineup for great AB for you tonight. Four brand new fangses here at Hunk Junction. They are some students from nearby college. They’re good looking boys and they put together a real hot show for ya. Let’s bring em’ out.

[Cut to cheering ladies] [Cut to four guys walking on the stage]

Phil: Hit it!

[music changes] [Cut to Phil]

Good evening ladies. I’m Phil and I’m thrilled to have the opportunity to dance for you this evening.

[Cut to Brandon]

Brandon: And I’m Brandon. And I hail from the great state of Oregon. Home of the majestic red one.

[Cut to Keith]

Keith: Me, I’m Keith and I’m from a small lobster town in New England.

[Cut to Craig]

Craig: I’m Craig, and the white sandy shores of Ahwatukee is where I call home.

[Cut to the guys]

All: This is our America.

[The guys start dancing] [Cut to the ladies staring at them. Leslie is enjoying.] [Cut to the guys dancing]

Phil: Next stop, New York city.

Keith: Step on it.

Craig: All aboard.

[train engine sound as the guys are dancing in a line] [Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: What the hell is this?

Aidy: Yeah, I paid to see naked tool.

Kate: Something better slop out of their pants pretty quick.

Leslie: I appreciate the showmanship.

[Cut to the boys under one umbrella]

Craig: It’s starting to rain, just our luck!

Phil: On our first day in the big city?

Keith: You gotta be joking me.

Brandon: Who cares? Take a look at that skyline.

Phil: Taxi cab!

[Cut to Host looking nervous and confused.]

Host: Should I stop this? I mean what should a man in my position do?

[Cut to the boys. Jon walks in with a newspaper in his hand.]

Jon: Top story. The Germans are retreating.

[Jon dances out]

Brandon: Did you hear that fellas? The war is over!

Craig: We won!

Phil: Taxi!

[Cut to the ladies.]

Kate: Okay, maybe we got to tip them.

Cecily: You know, even if they do strip, I’m not sure I’ll be turned on at this point.

[Cut to the boys dancing on the stage. Kate dances in and gives Brandon some money. He just takes it and puts it in his wallet.]

Brandon: Thank you ma’am.

[Kate walks away] [Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: He put the tip in his wallet.

Kate: Yea, yea, but it worked. It worked. Look.

[Cut to the dancing boys. They rip off their pants, but underneath, they’re wearing another white pants.] [Cut to the ladies]

Aidy: What? Why are they wearing long shorts under their break-away pants?

Leslie: Listen, these men are hot. You can’t argue with that. This show may not be perfect but they care about it.

Aidy: okay, but this part is straight up racist.

[Cut to the boys wearing Asian hat and using Asian hand-fan.]

Phil: Your town is amazing.

Brandon: So many great Chinese people.

Craig: And culture.

Keith: What an afternoon!

[Cut to Host]

Host: [speaking on the mic] Whip out your naked ding-dongs now!

[Cut to the guys dancing]

Boys: Taxi!

[The boys are high-fiving and celebrating.] [Host walks in disappointed]

Host: Yeah, I knew I shouldn’t have hired these men when they showed up with little dance bags that said, “Tis School of the Arts.” And then they asked if I supplied character shoots. Now, gentlemen, listen up. If you wanna continue working at this establishment, you must expose your stinky pee and them testi-balls.

[The boys start opening their pants]

No, no, no, no. You gotta do it with the music.

[The End]

Christmas Sing-a-long

Jen… Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Dan… Taran Killam

Kenan Thompson

Chris Hemsworth

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a Christmas decorated house. Three couples are singing together.] [The singing finishes]

Jen: Great job, guys.

Sasheer: We still got it.

Dan: This is too fun.

Kenan: Yeah, great party you guys. You two are the best hosts.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Chris: Oh, that reminds me, would anyone like a date with bacon wrapped around it?

[Cut to everybody]

All: Oh, absolutely.

Chris: Great! Now, I’m gonna make those for next year. Alright, what do we sing next?

Dan: Um, Carol of the bells.

Kenan: Rudolf is fun.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: How about Debra’s Time?

Chris: Honey, that’s a great idea.

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan]

Jen: I don’t think I know that song.

Sasheer: Hmm, I don’t know that song. What about ‘Oh, holy night’?

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: No, let’s do Debra’s Time.

Chris: Oh yes. Debra’s time is great.

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan]

Dan: I don’t think anybody knows that.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Let’s do Debra’s Time.

Chris: Great! Everybody ready?

[Cut to everybody]

Jen: I’m sorry, what song are we dong?

Cecily: Oh you’ll recognize it. Let’s just try it.

Dan: Okay.

Chris: Oh, wait, wait. Um, just turn off the lamp, Dan. Please.

[Dan turns off the lamp.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily. Chris starts playing the piano beautifully.] [Chris and Cecily look very emotional]

Cecily: [singing] Checkbooks all are balanced,
Christmas bonus cleared

Ah! Relax Debra!

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan. They are confused.] [Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: [singing] Christmas lights all tangled
exactly as I fear


[Cecily stands up and Chris starts playing piano louder]

What did I think?

Get the presents,
do the wrapping
get the ribbons
do the packing
somehow you are
always lacking
always lacking
always lacking

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan. They are confused.] [Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Oh god, Debra! When are you gonna stop this?

Quiet! Quiet!

[Cut to everybody.]

Chris: [pointing at Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan] [whispering] Go, go.

Sasheer: Go what?

Cecily: Jen, you missed your part.

Sasheer: I did?

Chris: Yeah, I pointed you. Why didn’t you guys all come in?

Kenan: We have no idea what the song is.

Sasheer: We all know ‘Silent Night’. Why don’t we just sing that?

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Chris: I don’t know Silent Night.

Cecily: Um, my husband doesn’t know Silent Night, and he knows everything, so…

Chris: Listen, you guys have to know thI is song. It’s a Broadway standard.

Jen: Well, what show is it from?

Cecily: It’s Christmas After All by Keith and Barry William.

Chris: Look, the show wasn’t all that great, but Debra’s Time was amazing. They use it in like, every commercial.

Cecily: Yea, yea, yea. Smuckers is the one, you guys probably know.

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan]

Kenan: Yeah, I just don’t.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Chris: Well, hang in there. You’ll know in a minute. Dan, turn off one more lamp please.

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan]

Dan: It’s getting very dark.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Chris: Yes, Dan, I know. That’s the way I wanted, that’s why I said do it please. Thank you. Everyone knows this part.

[Cut to everybody. Chris stars playing the piano and Cecily walks forward dramatically.]

Cecily: [singing] Presents have been opened

Chris: And Debra’s moving on

Cecily: The holiday’s so numb

Chris: And Mark has come and gone

[Chris starts playing the piano louder]

Or have I?

Cecily: Mark? What are you doing here?
Chris: I came back for you.

Dan: What’s happening? Who is Mark?

Kenan: He’s involved with Debra, I guess.

Cecily: No, I can’t do this.

Chris: Debra, this could work. Just put your suitcase down.

Cecily: [singing] I’m not ready

Chris: Just hold steady

Chris and Cecily: Mark comes back and Debra’s cracking, smack!

Cecily: That’s when Debra hits Mark.

Chris: Smack! That’s when Mark hits her back.

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan looking annoyed.]

Kenan: What?

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Why are we doing this to each other?

Chris: Because we’re freaking falling in love. Do you guys know where we are in the song now?

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan]

Dan: [yelling] No! I can’t even tell when you’re you or when you’re Debra and Mark.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, thank you. Honey!

Chris: Okay, okay. Maybe this will help. All the guys do this.

Debra, Debra, Debra, Debra

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan]

Guys: Debra, Debra, Debra, Debra

Cecily: And girls do this.

It’s Debra’s Time. It’s Debra’s Time, at last..

[Cut to everybody]

Guys: Debra, Debra, Debra, Debra

Girls: It’s Debra’s Time. It’s Debra’s Time, at last..

Cecily: Jen, go out tone.

Jen: Got it!

Guys: Debra, Debra, Debra, Debra

Girls: It’s Debra’s Time. It’s Debra’s Time, at last..

Cecily: Big finish.

All: Don’t let it go too fast
Debra, Debra, Debra, Debra’s Time

Hah! Right back where we started. Smack!

Dan: Oh my god! I do remember.

Sasheer: I knew it from that Smacker’s commercial. Of course.

Kenan: I wanna see the Broadway show.

Jen: Is it running right now?

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Chris: Of course it’s running. It’s always running.

Cecily: You know what? It’s only 6:30. If we leave right now, we could all see it.

[Cut to everybody]

Jen: Um, it’s snowing pretty hard.

Chris: Then I’ll drive even faster.

[Cut to a car slipping over the snow and people inside yelling] [The End]

Chris Hemsworth Second Monologue

Chris Hemsworth

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Hemsworth.

[Chris Hemsworth walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Chris Hemsworth: Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hello everybody. Anyways, fantastic to be back hosting Saturday Night Live. This is my second time here. First time I hosted was a while ago. In fact I think we have a picture of that experience.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth’s picture form his previous SNL monologue.]

Oh my god! What was I wearing back then? Such a kid back then. It’s crazy seeing that photo. Now, I gotta say, I really feel at home now. I’ve been horsing around with the cast all week. Feels like I’m back in Australia. You know? Roughing out with my brothers and my dad. It’s like I’ve been hanging out with a bunch of Hemsworths, you know? In fact, we’ve got one just over here. [pointing at the audience] [Chris Hemsworth walks to the audience] Pete! My man! Camera, let’s go. How are things man? High five!

[Pete gives Chris Hemsworth his hand for a high-five but Chris Hemsworth hits him on his nuts.]

Pete: Oh!

Chris Hemsworth: He loves it when I do that.

Pete: I don’t!

[Chris Hemsworth walks to the studio back stage]

Chris Hemsworth: You do. You do. [Chris Hemsworth walks to Bobby Moynihan] Bobby, Bobby, Bobby.

Bobby: Hey, man.

[Chris Hemsworth starts tickling Bobby hard]

Chris Hemsworth: You love tickles, huh?

Bobby: Oh! Oh! Too hard.

Chris Hemsworth: Oh, ya, you’ve got a bit of hair.

[Chris Hemsworth shows the hair he has pulled out of Bobby]

Here you go.

Bobby: Yeah, I’ll take that.

Chris Hemsworth: How many sketches you play in closing tonight?

Bobby: All of em’.

Chris Hemsworth: All of em? Yeah you are, baby.

[Chris Hemsworth walks to Kate McKinnon. She is talking on the phone.]

Kate! Kate the great, huh? Who is this? [pulls away the phone] Hello? Oh, no thanks. Goodbye. [hangs up the phone] Sorry, I think they hung up, whoever was on the phone.

Kate: It’s okay. It was Hillary Clinton.

Chris Hemsworth: Oh yeah? Good. Oh, give me an apple. You’ve got an apple?

[Chris Hemsworth takes an apple from the desk]

Hey! Becky boy! [Chris Hemsworth walks to Beck Bennett] What’s up baby?

Beck: Oh, my god! [Beck runs away from Chris Hemsworth. Chris Hemsworth hits Beck with the apple and he falls down.]

Chris Hemsworth: Ha-ha-ha-ha. My man. Look at that. You better run. Yeah, he loves it when I do that. We’ve doing that all week. Who else we’ve got? Who else is hanging around big Chris’s house? [Chris Hemsworth walks to Kyle Mooney. His hand is plastered.] Mooney, Mooney, my man. How’s the wrist?

Kyle: You fractured it.

Chris Hemsworth: Well, sorry about that buddy. Listen, congrats. I heard you bought some new real estate and you got yourself two acres.

Kyle: No. I don’t.

Chris Hemsworth: Are you sure? [Chris Hemsworth hits Kyle on his nuts]

Kyle: Oh!

Chris Hemsworth: You do now, don’t ya? You’re gorgeous man! You’re gorgeous.

[Chris Hemsworth is walking. There are pictures of people who have hosted SNL.]

The guys who have SNL past– [Chris Hemsworth sees his own photo] Oh, there we go. Who is that guy? Huh? I think these walls can talk. He’s got a coupleof stories, I’ll tell ya.

[Leslie Jones walks to Chris Hemsworth]

Ha-ha! LJ, LJ, what’s up?

Leslie: You touch me and I will beat your ass, Chris.

[Chris Hemsworth walks away]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, got it. Oh, shh.

[Chris Hemsworth walks to Aidy Bryant] [yelling from behind] Aidy Bryant sucks!

Aidy: Ah! It’s too much buddy!

Chris Hemsworth: Come on. You wouldn’t hate it, would you?

Aidy: Yes, I would.

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, you would. Alright. This is where ladies get changes in here. And I think Vanessa is.. [knocking at the cabin] Vanessa! You in here?

Vanessa: Yeah, I’m changing.

Chris Hemsworth: Oh, good. I got you that water here after.

Vanessa: Oh, thanks. You can just leave[[

[Chris Hemsworth pours the water on Vanessa from outside the cabin.]

Oh my god! Chris, I hate you!

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, you’d hit it, wouldn’t you?

Vanessa: Yeah, I know.

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, good. Alright. Let’s wrap it up. Come  down this way down the hall. Back here, you look at the door and say, “Open Sasheer!”

[Chris Hemsworth trips over something and falls on the door.]

Wait! That used to swing the other way. The joke’s on me, ain’t it? It’s funny, guys! You changed it up on me. Good.

[Chris Hemsworth walks to Colin Jost. He has papers in his hands.]

Colin, what have you got there? Some thing interesting?

[Chris Hemsworth slaps the papers down to the floor]


[Chris Hemsworth leaves. Colin picks up the papers.]

Michael Che: See you out there, nerd!

[Michael Che also slaps the papers down the floor]


[Cut to Chris Hemsworth on SNL monologue stage]

Chris Hemsworth: And back home.

[cheers and applause]

Amazing back there. To be real, it’s very, very exciting to be back. We’ve got a great show tonight. Chance the Rapper is here. Awesome! Stick around and we’ll be right back.


Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Zac Efron

Cecily Strong


Chris Hemsworth

[Starts with a group of girls at a restaurant]

Aidy: You guys, I meant to tell you I finally saw Magic Mike.

Kate: Oh my god, Megan, did you love it?

Aidy: Yes! Channing Tatum is the hottest.

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Vanessa: Excuse me, that is rude to Zac Efron. Have you seen him in the Lucky One?

Cecily: kay, okay. Neither of them hold a candle to Bradley Cooper and, um, anything?

Aidy: True.

[Cut to Claire]

Claire: What about Chris Hemsworth in Thor?

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Honestly, totally, totally good call, Claire.

Cecily: Yeah, a hunky Australian in sexy armor? Yes please!

[Cut to Claire]

Claire: Oh, totally. I’d rather see out of the armor. Am I right bitches?

[Cut to everybody laughing] [Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: Oh, my god, you know who else is hot? Paul Rudd in Clueless.

Aidy: Okay, yes. That is classic hot.

[Cut to Claire]

Claire: Yeah, he’s pretty good but he’s no Chris Hemsworth in Thor. That scene where he comes home from battling and has his shirt off. Hmm, yum-yum-yum-yum.

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Cecily: Wow, you really know a lot about that movie Thor.

[Cut to Claire]

Claire: And that sexy red cape of his always brushing against his big butt. Oh, to be that cape, am I right bitches?

[Cut to everybody. Others don’t want to agree]

Oh! Okay, bathroom time. BRB.

[Claire leaves for bathroom] [Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Cecily: Hey guys, crazy question. Is our friend Claire actually Chris Hemsworth?

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Aidy: Well, what do you mean?

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Vanessa: Like, the movie star?

Cecily: Yeah. I mean, I could be wrong and that could just be our friend Claire, but it kind of seems like it’s Chris Hemsworth in disguise.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: But we’ve been friends with Claire for years.

Aidy: Well, wait, have we?

Kate: Actually, coming to think of it, I’ve never met Claire before today.

[Cut to everybody. Claire comes back.]

Claire: I’m back bitches.

The rest: Hi, Claire.

[Cut to Claire]

Claire: Are wt still talking about that hunk Chris Hemsworth?

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Cecily: Sort of.

Vanessa: You know, I heard he’s making a third Thor movie. It’s like, do we really need three?

[Cut to Claire]

Claire: Ah, yes we do, so shut up. I’d watch Chris in a thousand Thors as long as he has that big hard hammer. Am I right bitches?

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Aidy: We don’t really call each other that.

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Cecily: Hey Claire, can we talk about something?

[Cut to Claire]

Claire: Oh, I know what we can talk about. You know how most Hollywood actors use makeup to define their abs? I heard not Chris Hemsworth. His abs are the real deal.

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Cecily: I believe that. He is pretty ripped.

[Cut to Claire]

Claire: Uh, pretty? Try ‘very’.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: I heard he lost a lot of weight for that new movie, Dick movie though.

[Cut to Claire]

Claire: Could have fooled me. He still looks huge. He’s bigger than Dang Body John. No wonder Bobby Dick wants to eat him, he looks so freaking delicious.

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Vanessa: You know who is actually super delicious? Liam Hemsworth.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Aidy: Oh, yeah. He’s definitely the hotter Hemsworth.

[Cut to Claire]

Claire: [coughing] No way! No, Liam is gross. I heard he breast fed till he was four.

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Vanessa: Where would you have heard that, Claire?

[Cut to everybody]

Claire: Oops, there goes my pesky bladder again. To the bathroom.

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Cecily: Okay, I’m sure now more than ever that our friend Claire is actually Chris Hemsworth in a dress and a wig.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: Why would Christ Hemsworth do this? He’s a very famous actor.

Aidy: I mean, that would make his insane!

[Cut to Vanessa and Cecily]

Cecily: You’re right. It’s definitely our friend Claire. You know, Claire from college or growing up or something.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: Oh, look, Claire got a text. [read’s Claire’s text] Hah! It’s from Robert Downey Jr.

Aidy: Girls, does Claire know Robert Downey Jr.?

Kate: Ah, here’s a better question. Does Claire exist?

[Cut to everybody. Claire comes back.]

Claire: I’m back bitches. Did you miss me bitches?

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Aidy: Okay, Claire. We have a question for you.

Kate: Claire, are you Chris Hemsworth in a wig and dress?

[Cut to everybody] [Claire is laughing, but stops in a moment]

Chris Hemsworth: I am.

[Chris Hemsworth takes his wig off.]

Everyone these days– Okay, I guess I just wanted to see if girls still liked me. Everyone these days keeps talking about Chris Pratt and Ryan Gosling and freaking Liam from the Hunger Games. I just needed to know. Does anyone still find little old C. Hemmy attractive. [Cut to everybody] Am I still a hunk.

Cecily: Of course, Chris.

Vanessa: You’re a hunk.

Kate: You’ll always be a hunk.

Aidy: No, this was bad and you’re weird now.

[The End]

Brother 2 Brother: Wrestling Match

Matty… Chris Hemsworth

Mark… Taran Killam

Coach… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Disney Channel intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Disney Channel. [A girl and a gold fish as her dad appears] Later, Trish flushes her dad down the toilet on the season finale of My Dad, The Fish. But first, it’s time for a brand new episode of ‘Brother 2 Brother’.

[Brother 2 brother intro]

Intro song: It’s Brother 2 Brother
who are there for each other
in every possible way-ay-ay
through thick and through thin
Akalama twin
to help you get through the day-ey

[Cut to Matty and Marky in school. They are wearing identical clothes and have same blonde hair.]

Matty: Mark, there you are. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.

Marky: What’s going on, Matty? Everything, a-okay?

Matty: No, everything’s F-not okay. I have the big wrestling meet tonight and I’m nervous I’m gonna beef it.

Marky: But you’re the best wrestler in this state.

Matty: And the biggest worry word.

Matty and Marky: Oh, brothers!

Matty: I have an idea. Let’s switch places. You wrestle for me and in exchange I’ll do your chores for a whole week.

Marky: Um, even the dishes?

Matty: Of course!

Marky: Even giving daddy his massage?

Matty: I promise.

Marky: Then it’s a deal.

Matty and Marky: A twin deal.

[Cut to the wrestling coach giving prep talk to the wrestlers]

Coach: Alright team, focus up. The big wrestling meet is today and everything’s on the line. So, remember what I taught you. Don’t let them pin you, you’ve gotta pin them. Hey, wait! Where’s our star wrestler Matty?

[Marky runs in on wrestling outfit]

Marky: Here I am coach. I’m here ready to wrestle and win, coz I’m Matty, your star wrestler Matty. That’s me. [winks]

Coach: You’re not Matty. You’re Marky. Matty is like, may bigger and has way more muscles. And I wanna say he’s not as pale. Plus he has that hard deep ravine thing between his packs. You know, when you’re packs are so huge, you get that ravine. You don’t really have that. You just sort of have like hairy flatness up here.

[Marky is feeling embarrassed]

Marky: Well, looks like the jig is up.

Coach: Plus your arms are sort of hanging to your sides like that. Matty’s arms are much bigger and they’re pushed out coz of all muscles he has like, right here. [showing the back] You don’t really have muscles here. You just have like, soft clumps of skin.

Marky: Oh-oh! Looks like the jig–

Coach: Also, when Matty sweats [Marky looks very embarrassed] he gets like, be the sweat. It just sort of rolls slowly down his stomach. But I think your stomach just sort of gets wet in circle.

Marky: Yeah, I know.

[Cut to Kyle in the wrestling squad raising his hand]

Kyle: Coach! I have one.

Coach: Yea, great, go ahead Tommy.

Kyle: Ya, I noticed in the shower that Marky, you have like a thick coat of hair on your feet and Matty doesn’t have that.

[Cut to Marky and Coach]

Coach: You’re right. Good call. Matty’s feet are great. They actually look more like hands in your hand zoo.

Marky: No, that’s specific, coach. I guess–

[Cut to Pete in the wrestling squad raising his hand]

Pete: Also, Matty has a bigger and more muscular butt.

[Cut to Marky]

Marky: Okay!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: But like, your butt has a bigger, I wanna say, crack?

[Cut to Marky and Coach]

Marky: Yeah, that’s enough. I guess, the jig is up. Matty, come on out.

[Matty walks in. He’s also wearing the wrestling outfit.]

Matty: Hi coach. It’s me, the real Matty.

Coach: No doubt.

Matty: I’m sorry we lied. Lying is bad.

Coach: Just promise me you’ll never try this again.

Marky: We sure won’t. Because we learned our twin lesson.

Coach: No, no, I mean don’t try it again coz it won’t work. I mean, look at you. The two of you side by side right now, it’s insane. I mean, Marky, stand behind Matty I bet you’d completely disappear.

Marky: Oh, that’s okay coach. Coz we’ve both learned our twin lesson.

Coach: No, no, just do it. I wanna see it. You stand behind him like that.

[Marky stands behind Matty. He can’t be seen.] [Cut to the wrestlers]

Kyle: Wow! We can’t even see him Marky.

Jon: You are so much smaller.

[Cut to Matty. Marky is standing behind him.]

Matty: What are you talking about? We’re

[Marky peeks out]

Matty and Marky: Identical twins.

Coach: Okay, yeah. But just look down for a second. You have that deep V thing going on. And you see, Marky, he just sort of has an O. You know? You see, it sort of looks like an O right here, big circle. Marky, I know you can’t be but you look like you’re 10-12 weeks pregnant right now.

Marky: Matty tried to kiss me last night.

Coach: What?

Matty: What?

[Cut to close shot of Marky]

Marky: He didn’t. I tried to kiss him… in his sleep. [sobbing] [The video stops and credit appears] [The End]

Time To Bleed

Sasheer Zamata

Paleski… Chris Hemsworth

Ruman… Kyla Mooney

Beck Bennett

Jon Rudnitsky

Doctor… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a crossfire between a man and police.]

Sasheer: 2-7. Shots fire at North River Street. Request backup.

[The man shoots and Paleski gets hit. The man runs.]

Paleski, you’ve been hit.

Paleski: I’m fine.

Sasheer: But you’re bleeding.

Paleski: I don’t have time to bleed. Now come on, let’s finish this.

[Paleski runs after Ruman any way] [Cut to Sasheer running into an empty floor.]

Paleski: [echo sound] Ruman.

Ruman: [looking around and pointing the gun] Where you at, Paleski? I know you’re here.

[Paleski suddenly appears behind Ruman.]

Paleski: Hey, baby.

[as Ruman turns around, Paleski punches him on hi face and Ruman faints.] [Sasheer reaches the scene]

Sasheer: 2-7. Suspect has been subdued.

Paleski: Translation, knocked the hell out.

[Paleski groaning because of the pain]

Sasheer: Okay though guy. Let’s get you to a doctor.

Paleski: Or maybe you can kiss and make it better.

[Cut to press conference held by the police]

Beck: For bravery, in the line of duty, we award this medal to Sargent Peter Paleski.

[Paleski receives the medal.]

Sasheer: I didn’t know they give award to stubborn sons of bitches.

Paleski: Yeah, I’ll hang them in my bad. Would you come see them sometime?

[Paleski groaning]

Sasheer: What’s wrong? [Paleski is still bleeding] Oh, my god! Did you not go to the hospital?

Paleski: Relax. I’m fine.

Sasheer: Paleski, you don’t need to be the tough guy anymore. You need to see a doctor.

Paleski: I will. But first I gotta finish this thing all the way.

[Cut to Sasheer and Paleski working at the office. Paleski is bleeding but he’s still turning papers on his desk with his bloody hands.]

Sasheer: Okay, this is just stupid.

Paleski: It’s the job, okay? You know, paper work is the job.

Sasheer: You’re getting blood everywhere.

Paleski: You know, I know another place where we can get my blood from. It’s my penis.

Sasheer: It doesn’t make sense.

[Jon walks in]

Jon: Bad news, Ruman made bail.

[Paleski bands the table]

Paleski: God dammit! I gotta go blow off some steam.

[Cut to Paleski hitting the boxing pads. He’s still bleeding so he doesn’t have the strength.] [Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: You really don’t look good.

Paleski: Yah, maybe on opposite’s day.

Sasheer: I think you have lead poisoning from that bullet.

Paleski: You know, I got a little bullet in my penis too.

[Paleski falls down.] [Cut to Paleski laying on a hospital bed. Sasheer is sitting beside him.]

Paleski: Looks like you finally got your wish.

[door knock] [Doctor walks in]

Doctor: Bad news, Mr. Paleski. I’m afraid your insurance doesn’t cover elective surgeries. Can’t give you those calf implants after all.

Sasheer: No. He’s here coz he got shot.

Doctor: Huh? Not what he told me.

Paleski: Don’t listen to her. She’s joking.

[Paleski removes the blanket and he is bleeding all over the bed.] [Paleski walks out on the patient’s gown bleeding all over it.]

Sasheer: No! What is your problem? Dammit, Paleski. You need to take care of yourself. I need to–

[Ruman jumps in and holds Sasheer at a gun point from behind]

Ruman: You really thought you could beat me?

[Paleski is trying to aim at Ruman but he can’t because he is shaking.]

Sasheer: Don’t shoot Paleski. You can’t make the shot.

Paleski: Tell me that tomorrow when you’re making me breakflahh—

Sasheer: Are you saying breakfast?

[Paleski shoots. He gets Ruman the third time.]

Sasheer: Nice shot, Paleski.

[Cut to Sasheer and Paleski waking up on the same bed.]

Looks like you got your Christmas gift after all.

[The bed is full of blood.] [Sasheer shakes Paleski’s shoulder]

Oh, he’s dead.

[The End]

The House with Chris Hemsworth

Chase… Beck Bennett

Eric… Chris Hemsworth

Bryan… Kyle Mooney

Taran Killam

[Starts with Chase and Eric watching a movie]

Chase: Man, what a good movie.

Eric: Yeah.

Chase: You done ordering some food?

Eric: eah, I’m gonna go and take a shower. So, let’s pick somewhere to eat when I get back.

Chase: Cool. I’ll look through some menus.

[Eric leaves and Chase is gong through some menus] [Bryan walks in]

Bryan: Hey, man. I’m gonna pick up some groceries. I thinking of making dinner tonight.

[Cut to Chase being shocked] [Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: This is the first time I’ve heard anything about Bryan wanting to get groceries. I might have to tell him that Eric and I are planning on ordering food.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan]

Chase: Eric and I are planning on ordering food.

[Cut to Bryan being shocked.] [Cut to Chase]

Would you wanna get in on that?

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Wait, Eric and Chase are ordering food? Now I’m thinking I wanna order food too. I’m really confused.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan]

Bryan: Hey, man. We need to talk.

Chase: Yeah. What’s up?

Bryan: I was thinking about ordering that food stuff. And I think– I think I definitely wanna order food with you guys.

Chase: Nice.

[Chase and Bryan hug each other] [Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: Wow! It’s cool to have somebody in the house that I can finally be myself around.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan]

Chase: Cool if I put my feet up?

Bryan: No problem. Just be yourself.

[Chase puts his feet up on the table.] [Eric walks in]

Eric: Hey, Chase. I’m out of the shower and ready to decide where to order from.

[Eric looks at Chase and Bryan and become shocked.]

Wait, Bryan?

[Cut to Chase and Bryan. They both stand up.] [Cut to Eric narrating]

Eric narrating: Bryan wasn’t in the living room when I went to take a shower. And now he is? I gotta get to the bottom of this.

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Someone wanting to explain to me what’s going on?

[Cut to Chase and Bryan. Chase stands.]

Chase: Eric, something happened when you were in the shower.

[Cut to replay of what happened when Eric was not there in black and white.] [Cut to Eric]

Eric: Hold up. Earlier, I talked to Chase about getting dinner. Bryan, now you wanna order food too?

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Dude!

[Cut to Bryan]

Bryan: Yeah!

[Cut to Eric narrating]

Eric narrating: Is this actually happening right now?

[Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: Welcome to the house.

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Wait, wait. I gotta think about this.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan waiting for the answer.]

Bryan, you step forward please.

[Bryan steps forward.] [Cut to Eric]

I admire you told me the truth. But you said that you wanted to get groceries. And then you changed your mind. Now, I’m not sure I can trust you.

[Cut to Bryan nodding his head.]

Chase, you step forward please.

[Chase steps forward.]

That’s too far. back.

[Chase steps a bit backward.]

To the right a little bit.

[Chase steps right] [Cut to Eric]

That’s good. Now, you were one of the first people that I decided to order food with, but I’ve questioned your loyalty ever since you cheated on the midnight endurance challenge.

[Cut to midnight endurance challenge. All three of them are standing on logs carrying buckets on the both sides. Chase kicks Eric and Eric falls down.] [Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: Oh, no! Eric fell?

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: This is tough.

[Taran walks in. He is wearing a nice suit.]

Taran: Eric. One person has to leave the house tonight. It’s time to make your decision. Who is it going to be?

[suspense music playing] [Cut to Eric]

Eric: The person who has to leave…

[Cut to Chase and Bryan looking at each other.]

the house tonight… is…

[Cut to Eric]

me. I’m going to grocery store and I’m gonna make dinner for everyone.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan getting angry and vandalizing the house]

Male voice: Coming up on “So you think you can live with Brina?”

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Eric’s dinner sucked so he had one last chance to secure the spot in the hosue.

[Cut to Eric singing]

Eric: Five, six, seven, eight…

[singing] You’re making me believe–

[Cut to Chase and Bryan. They are the judges.]

Chase: No.

Bryan: No.

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Fu–[bleep]


Ancent… Cecily Strong

Lieutenant Jericho… Chris Hemsworth

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a clip of space ship]

Male voice: The year 3041. After a difficult journey across hyperspace, the crew of the S.S. Orion find their safety compromised by the actions of reckless captain.

[Cut to inside the space ship]

Ancent: Lieutenant Jericho, we have to do something about captain. She’s out of control.

Jericho: What is it Ancent, do you have problems taking orders from someone who isn’t a human?

Ancent: Of course not. I don’t care what species she is. But her decision to make that last hyperjump could have abruptly damaged the ship.

Jericho: She is in command and you need to accept that.

Sasheer: Captain Bulay’s on the bridge.

[Everyone turns to the door and salutes] [The door opens. Captain is a chicken.] [Cut to Ancent and Jericho] [The chicken makes chicken noise]

Jericho: Yes, captain! Right away.

Ancent: Jericho, just promise to speak to her. She’s acting erratically.

Jericho: It’s not that simple.

[Cut to the chicken sitting on a captain chair.] [Cut to everybody] [The chicken makes chicken noise]

Jericho: Okay, you heard her. Take us into the Zeta-quadrant.

Sasheer: That’s suicide. It’s full of Trulithian mines.

Jericho: Set the course.

Sasheer: Yes, lieutenant.

Kenan: That’s certain death.

Ancent: This madness has to stop. I’m turning us around.

[chicken noise] [Cut to Ancent walks to the chicken]

No, this has nothing to do with you being a chicken and us being humans, okay? We have been a good crew to you.

[chicken noise]

I am very aware. The chickens have evolved into a higher intelligent species than humans. I am fine with that.

[chicken noise]

What did you call me?

Jericho: No, no. Take that back Emily. Take that back. For god’s sake, this isn’t like you.

[Ancent looks at Jericho in shock]

Ancent: Emily? Oh, I see. How long have you two?

Jericho: Two years. Ever since academy.

[Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: I knew he was dating that chicken. I just knew it.

[Cut to the chicken and Jericho]

Jericho: Okay, Emily. Look at me. Please, please, look at me. Just turn your head this way. That’s it, that’s it. I’ll give you a hand, look at me. Okay, don’t look at me. Just give me your hand. Okay, don’t worry. Listen, I remember the first time I saw you. You were sitting at the bar by yourself. eating pizza. And I said, “Dang, little thing like you couldn’t possibly finish off that pie by herself.” But eight hours later, you probed me wrong.

[chicken noise]

Ha-ha-ha. There’s that laugh I love. Come on! Come on! Hey, hey. Let’s tun this ship around.

[ship alarm goes off] [Cut to everybody]

Sasheer: Captain, the chord’s over heated. Probability of melt down is 82%.

Kenan: We have to get to the escape pod.

Jericho: No, no. Wait, we’ll never it to the pods. They’re all the way over that way.

[chicken noise]

No, do not even say that. Don’t even suggest that.

[chicken noise]

Sasheer: She’s right. She’s the only one who can fix the chord.

Jericho: Why does it have to be her? I could do it.

Ancent: No, Jericho, you’re too big. You’ll never fit inside. Let her go. It’s the only chance we have.

[chicken noise]

Jericho: Okay, okay. Emily, okay. [Cut to Jericho and the chicken] Com here. [chicken noise] I know, I know. Listen, once you enter the core, you’re gonna have 20 seconds to repair it and get the hell out of there. alright? You get out of there, alright? I love you.

[Jericho puts the chicken inside an oven.]

Ancent: Good luck in there.

[Cut to the chicken inside the over.] [Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: It’s working. She’s doing it. She’s doing everything she’s supposed to do.

Sasheer: Course stabilized. We’re going to be okay.

[Cut to Ancent and Jericho]

Jericho: Okay, Emily, you did it. Now get out of there.

Ancent: Jericho, she can’t. There’s no handle on the inside.

Jericho: Well, I’ll just open it.

Ancent: No! There’s too much radiation. She knew that going in. She sacrificed herself for us.

[The oven timer sound beeps] [audience laughing] [Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: She’s done.

[Cut to Ancent and Jericho. Jericho is very emotional.] [Ancent opens the oven and takes out the roast on a plate.]

Jericho: Can I… Can I have a moment with her please?

Ancent: Of course. But, then we’re gonna eat her, okay? Because she smells so good. And she was such a bitch.

[Sasheer and Kenan walk in. They have napkins on their collars ready to eat.]

Kenan: Except at the very end of course, so noble. [Kenan pokes the roast with the fork] And cooked to perfection!

[cheers and applause]