Movie Set

Trice, Amanda… Kate McKinnon

Bob… Chris Hemsworth

Rod… Kenan Thompson

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Trice looking at the rain outside the window. Bob walks to Trice and holds her.]

Trice: We can’t do this. [Cut to Trice and Bob] You have to go.

Bob: Wait, why are you pushing me away? Is it because of my wife?

Trice: Your wife? No. It’s just that I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt.

Bob: Hey, what’s wrong, Amanda? Let me help you.

Trice: No, you you can’t. I’m dying.

Bob: You’re dying?

Rod: Cut!

[Cut to Rod, Trice and Bob]

Rod: Good! Good job you guys. Good. The first take, Bob and Trice.

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Bob: Thank you. Thank you. So, Rod, did you have any tips for us?

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: It wasn’t very good. So, how do we make it better? How can I help you get there emotionally? Oh, I know. I have a little trick that I used to tell the actors back in my youth when I was acting coach in the Jeffers-son’s.

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Trice: The Jefferson’s.

[Cut to Rod, Trice and Bob]

Rod: Yes! On the Jeffers-son’s, it was so clear where each character was acting emotionally at all times.

Bob: Well, it’s an old sitcome, right? I can’t really say that I’ve ever seen his fire. I don’t know.

Rod: Well, let me show you what I mean. [Bob stands] When you hear that she’s dying, we need to see that moment sink in. React! And then snap it shut like a coin purse. Let me show you. Trice, could you feed me your line?

Trice: Yes, sure. [acting] I’m dying.

[Cut to Bob and Rod. Rod rotates his head a couple of times.]

Rod: [yelling] Dying? Did you see what I did?

Bob: Yeah. I did. Um, I don’t get it.

Rod: Well, let me break it down for you. It’s pretty easy. She says ‘dying’. Then you tuck your chin. Move your face down and around on a count of three. And then you come up and you shake it. And then you say, “Daaaaa-yin?” Okay? Let’s try one.

[Cut to Trice, Bob and Rod. Sasheer comes in with clapboard.]

Sasheer: Love Unfair, scene 8, take two.

[Rod and Sasheer walk out]

Rod: Take it from the couch… and action!

[Cut to Trice and Bob acting]

Bob: Why are you pushing me away? Is it because of my wife?

Trice: Your wife? No. It’s just that I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt.

Bob: Hey, tell me what’s wrong, Amanda. Let me help.

Trice: [crying] You can’t. I’m dying.

[Bob rotates his head a couple of times.]

Bob: [yelling] Dying?

Rod: Great! Cut!

[Rod walks in]

Oh, that was it. Did that not feel better?

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Bob: Ah! How long were you an acting coach on the Jefferson’s for?

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: One day. One very long day. But this is all good. Let’s keep going. [Cut to Rod, Trice an Bob] Now, Trice, you can do this too. [Cut to Rod and Bob] When he tells you that he has a wife, that should come as very big news.

Trice: No, no. My character knows that he is married. She knew it from the beginning.

Rod: Oh, yes. But now it’s really sinking in. So, let me show you. Snap that moment shut like this. Bob, what is your cue?

[Cut to Rod, Trice and Bob]

Bob: Um, is it because of my wife?

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: [Rod makes noises] Pa-pa-tsk-tsk-ki! Your wife?

[Cut to Rod and Trice]

Trice: I’m not doing that.

Rod: Well, of course you will make it your own. But it’s really easy. He says ‘wife’. You let your eyes go down the drain. And then you say “phrph-phu-tik-phu-phu” three times. And then you shake your face. And then snap it shut like a pair of snap phone. Okay? Let’s try it.

[Cut to Trice, Bob and Rod. Sasheer comes in with clapboard.]

Sasheer: Love Unfair, scene 8, take three.

[Rod and Sasheer walk out]

Rod: And action!

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Trice: We can’t do this, you have to go.

Bob: Hey, why- why are you pushing me away? Is it because of my wife?

Trice: [shaking her head] Ta-Pa-pa-tsk-tsk-ki. Your wife? No. It’s just that I- I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt.

Bob: Hey, wh- what’s wrong, Amanda? Let me help you.

Trice: [crying] You can’t. I’m dying.

[Bob rotates his head a couple of times.]

Bob: [yelling] Dying?

[stops acting]

This feel very weird.

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: Well, well, it doesn’t. Look it. It’s really coming together, you guys. But honestly, I think we can go a little bigger on the ‘your wife’. I think something like, “Pa-pa-tsk-tsk-ki-phrph-phu-tik-phu-phu. [yelling] Your wife?” I mean, what do you guys think?

[Cut to the set. The actors are gone.]

Wait, are they gone?

Sasheer: Yeah. Yeah.

Rod: So, they already got all of their stuff and they aren’t on the lot anymore?

Sasheer: Uh-huh.

Rod: Why?

Sasheer: They quit.

Rod: Bt-ti-ga-sh-ga-ti. [yelling] They quit? You see? It works.

[Sasheer looks impressed]

It just works.

Iggy Azalea show

Iggy Azalea… Kate McKinnon

TI… Jay Pharoah

Azealia Banks… Sasheer Zamata

Rafty Drans… Chris Hemsworth

[Starts with Iggy Azalea show intro]

Male voice: It’s the Iggy Azalea show.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea in her set]

Iggy Azalea: Guys, welcome. Welcome to the show. I’m Iggy Azalea. Thank you all sory much. I like, can’t even believe you’re here for like, little Aussie me. Like, who even am I?

[music playing] [rapping] I tell you who I am, see y’all murder been,
tear it up dirty m* you’re my witness
tick tock on the clock as I’m big in bitches
bang bang go to sound on me clipping bitches

You know what I mean? I don’t know. Oh, I love you guys so much. So much. And speaking of love, let me introduce my producer and rap daddy TI

[Cut to TI.]

TI: Nah, nah, nah. That is absolutely correctly. I created her. She’s my frank and fine, Ay!

[Cut to Iggy Azalea]

Iggy Azalea: Oh, my god! I love you so much. TI, isn’t rap so fun? And you know what else is fun? Feuds. I’m in a new feud errday. So, my first guest is one of my top feud friends, fellow rapper, Azealia Banks.

[Azelia Banks dances to the set. Iggy Azalea dances with her.]

Azelia Banks: No, no, no, no! That’s mine.

Iggy Azalea: Cool. Okay. Azealia, welcome. Oh, my god. You’re so mad at me. Our feud is so hiphop.

Azelia Banks: I came here because I was told that you were gonna apologize to me.

Iggy Azalea: Okay, how’s this for an apology then?

[rapping] click clack popping cap

Azelia Banks: [interrupting] No, no, no! No!

Iggy Azalea: Okay. Great!

[Cut to Azelia Banks]

Azelia Banks: Look, I’m over this feud. And I called you a poser or whatever, but I want to bury the hatchet. And… wait, did you just put my hat on your head?

[Cut to Iggy Azalea. She is wearing the same hat as Azelia Banks.]

Iggy Azalea: What? Oh, my god! I didn’t even realize. Now, we’re twinsies!

[Cut to Azelia Banks]

Azelia Banks: I am no one’s twinsie.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea and Azelia Banks]

Iggy Azalea: Azealia, you’re so funny. Okay, not it’s time for my second guest. He’s my cool older cousin and my hiphop mentor, Rafty Drans.

[Rafty Drans walks in dancing]

Rafty Drans: Yeah! Gand-bang boomerang! Thanks everyone for having me.

Iggy Azalea: Oh, my god. Isn’t he cute little handfull of hiphop?

Rafty Drans: Stop it. You’re making me blush all over.

Iggy Azalea: Rafty taught me everything I know about hiphop and today he’s joining me in the segment called tip-hops.

[Cut to TI]

TI: Tip-hops! Hiphop tips!

[Cut to Iggy Azalea and Rafty Drans]

Rafty Drans: That’s right, that’s right. So, tip hop number one, guns. When you don’t know what to do when you rap, just make a gun sound like this. “Bang bang, click clack, tip tip.” That’s a tiny gun.

Iggy Azalea: Don’t use a real gun. Safety first, guys.

Rafty Drans: Yeah.

Iggy Azalea: Tip hop number two, lists. Every good rap has a list of cool things. So, right now, Rafty, me and Azealia are going to create a whole new rap for you by making a list.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea, Rafty Drans and Azelia Banks]

Azelia Banks: I am not doing that.

Iggy Azalea: Okay, cool. Just Rafty and I then. TI, hit the beats.

[music playing] [rapping] Gold chain, paper cranes,
stuck up hundred horsy men

Rafty Drans: Man haters, sweet potatoes
bang bang like a lang

[Cut to TI]

TI: All day! Rafty put a gun sound in his list. Respect.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea, Rafty Drans and Azelia Banks]

Rafty Drans: Tip hop number three. When your mouth gets tired of rapping, let your booty do the talking.

[music playing. Iggy Azalea stands up and starts twerking.]

Iggy Azalea: Azealia, do you like how I dance?

Azelia Banks: No.

Rafty Drans: Like how I dance?

[Rafty Drans starts twerking at Azelia Banks’s face]

Azelia Banks: A little bit.

[music stops]

Iggy Azalea: Okay, we’re almost at a time, but before we go, I wanna debut a new track. It’s about where I came from. My roots. This song is called “Money Ass”. Play the track.

[music playing] [rapping] money ass
got that ass, got that money
got that money ass
signing checks out them jeans

Rafty Drans: Bang, bang!

Iggy Azalea: You could take that ass to the bank
and buy my ass with it
that money ass.

Right? I think that was a pretty decent rap. That’s all the time we have. I love you guys so much. Bye.

Empire Promo

Lucious… Kenan Thompson

Cookie… Sasheer Zamata

Chip… Chris Hemsworth

Jay Pharoah

Michael Che

Leslie Jones

[Starts with a show promo]

Male voice: Empire, the television phenomenon returns this week with all your favorite characters. Lucious.

[Cut to Lucious]

Lucious: This is my kingdom. And as long as I am alive, it will stand. Also, I’m dying.

Male voice: And Cookie

[Cut to Cookie]

Cookie: I spent 17 years in jail and I haven’t aged a day!

[Cut to the clips of New York city]

Male voice: Empire has already taken black America by storm. But what about white America? We’ve got you covered. This week, we introduce a new character. Chip.

[Cut to Chip]

Chip: Hi everyone.

[Cut to a meeting room filled with black people] [Cookie looking pissed off] [Cut to Lucious and Chip]

Lucious: He’s gonna be our new office manager.

Chip: Does anyone actually do any work around here? [laughing] [Cut to Cookie throws a can of coke at Chip] [Cut to Chip]

Chip: I’m just saying, my name’s Chip.

[Cut to Cookie]

Cookie: Take a dip, Chip!

Male voice: Drama, we’ve got it!

[Cut to Jay]

Jay: Dad, I love Hiphop. And I’m gay. Poof!

[Cut to Lucious]

Lucious: What the hell is poof?

Male voice: Ground breaking music. You bet!

[Cut to Michael in a studio rapping]

Michael: [rapping] drip drop
drip dripiddy drop
what the hell am I saying?
the hell am I saying? Seriously!

Male voice: If that’s not enough, now we’ve got a white dude.

[Cut to Chip clapping] [Cut to Lucious’s family argument]

Lucious: Ay! Look, I was a good father to you.

[Cut to Jay and Cookie]

Cookie: No, you weren’t. When he was 9, you picked him up, put him in the trash can and put the lid on it.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Damn! That kid was trashed or something?

[Cut to Chip]

Chip: Wow, this is my first day. This is fun.

[Cut to Jay and Michael]

Jay: I’m burning the whole world up. My own brother tried to kill me.

[Cut to Chip]

Chip: Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt. Do you mind signing this card? It’s Cookie’s birthday. [Jay and Michael are staring at him angrily] Okay. Go empire!

[Chip leaves] [Cut to Michael and Cookie. Michael is using cellphone while Cookie is talking to him.

Cookie: Look at me while I’m talking to you. I sacrificed everything for this family.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: You want a medal, bitch?

[Cut to Cookie]

Cookie: I want some respect!

[Cookie gets a broom stick and starts hitting Michael]

Michael: Ae! Ae! Ah! Ah!

[Chip walks in with a card and balloons. He sees Michael hitting Cookie so he walks away quietly.] [Cut to Chip and Leslie. In the office behind the, the family is quarreling.]

Chip: Um, just one question. You’ve turned in an expense report but there were no receipts with it.

Leslie: Yeah, I got the receipts right here.

Chip: Great, thank you.

[Leslie pulls her middle finger out of her bag.] [Cut to Empire video bumper]

Male voice: Empire, now with something for everyone!

[Cut to Jay and Michael]

Jay: You set me up!

[Cut to Lucious’s family argument]

Chip: Guys, guys, guys. This meeting was supposed to be about Email Adecco.

[Cut to Cookie beating up Chip in the meeting hall with a broom stick.]

Cookie: I’m not going back to jail.

[Chip runs away]

Male voice: Wednesdays on Fox.

Dolce & Gabbana

Brecky… Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Don Juan… Chris Hemsworth

[Starts with Brecky in her set of the commercial] [slow music playing]

Brecky: Marvelous.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Magnificance.

[Cut to Brecky]

Brecky: Ramjor.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Spectacu-lable.

[Cut to Brecky and Cecily]

Brecky and Cecily: The impossi-ves. [The subtitle reads Dolce&Gabbana] Dolki and Gababa.

Cecily: All this attractiveness of a debolutating fragrace.

Brecky: You’re gonna feel like a $7.

Brecky and Cecily: With Dolki and Gababa.

Brecky: Hi, we aren’t porn stars anymore. I am Brecky.

Cecily: And I’m supposed to be dead.

Brecky and Cecily: Shhh!

Brecky: And we’re not porn stars anymore. But that doesn’t mean we can’t smell a great deal when we snort it off of mirror.

[Don Juan comes in a scooter]

Don Juan: Did someone say, “What’s that smell?”

Brecky and Cecily: No, no, no. Please go.

Don Juan: Nope?

[Don Juan leaves]

Brecky: Other perfumes are just for breeze and fancy jars. Adios sea ghost!

Cecily: I rimmed a donkey.

Brecky: Dolki Gababa is like obsession by Kevin Klein. But you can drink it. And it’s perfect for occasions like, disappearance.

Cecily: Old person.

Brecky: Mistress at funeral.

Cecily: House warming porno.

Brecky: And, disease free for now.

Cecily: I’ll guarantee it, you’ll feel like you’re as wealthy as the salt in brown eye.

Brecky: You’ll think you’re one of the royals like Kate Middleton. Plus, it’s got– what’s that thing when you press it and it sprays out?

Cecily: Prostate.

Brecky: No. It holds all the liquid.

Cecily: Mouth.

Brecky: Bottle.

Cecily: Oh, right. Bottle.

[Don Juan comes in a scooter]

Don Juan: Did someone say, “What’s that smell?”

Brecky and Cecily: Not yet. Please go.

[Don Juan leaves]

With Dolki Gababa.

Cecily: One time, I got banged back in time. And a cave man banged me back to the future. I was like, “I guess I can save 15% more. Thanks, lizard.

Brecky: One time, I thought I banged Julius Caesar, but it was actually little Ceasars. Pizza, pizza!

Cecily: One time, I got banged to the kite on top of a building during lightning storm. I was like, “Hey, you’re not bumping them. Okay.”

[Don Juan passes by in a scooter]

Don Juan: Did someone say, “What’s that smell?”

Brecky and Cecily: Where did he go?

[Don Juan comes in]

Cecily: Come in.

Don Juan: Hey there. I’m Don Juan Dar Dark Hole. Now, I’m American but after my manhood was torn off in a recumbent bicycle, they had to replace it with wiener from a Spanish dude. But relax, he was already dead. Now, I speak English but my downstairs neighbor, he speaks ‘I-blow-a-espanol’. So get this, I can do bilingual pornos such as Spanklish, Penis Labyrinth, Pricky Christina Bone-Alone-A, and Y Tu Mama Y Tu Papa Y tu circus clown Amigo Tambien.

Cecily: Tell em’ about the price.

Brecky: Yes.

Don Juan: Oh, right, right. Yeah. So, trust me, having some none original parts down there, I know about the importance of hygiene. And that’s why I reach for [subtitle reads Dolce&Gabbana] Douche and Go-banana. It’s like a senate candle for your sweaty mandle. Or an oat eater for your special little Peter.

Cecily: No, no, no, no.

Brecky: Stop it.

Don Juan: So, grab some Douche and Go-bananas today. So, when your special someone asks, “Hey, what’s that smell?” you can tell them.

Brecky and Cecily: It’s something dying in me.

Brecky, Don Juan and Cecily: Dolki Gababa.

Chris Hemsworth Monologue

Chris Hemsworth

Liam Hemsworth

Luke Hemsworth

Callum Hemsworth… Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Mum… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris.

[Chris walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Chris: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. This is incredible. The last time I was on live TV was when I did Australia’s version of “Dancing With The Stars.” Yep, that’s true. Um, but most likely, tonight will be even more embarrassing than that. Probably my biggest role that I’ve been implying and you would know me from is Thor. [cheers and applause] I’ve played Thor in four different movies. Thor 1, Thor 2, The Avengers and Gone Girl.

Now, I’m not the only actor in my family. I have brothers. Two of them. Three of them, maybe. Four, I don’t know. But they’re actors as well. So, if it was okay, I thought I would bring them out and share this moment.

[Liam and Luke Hemsworth walk in] [cheers and applause]

I’m sorry. Almost forgot. I have a brother, Callum.

[Callum walks in]

Callum: Alright. Good day.

[cheers and applause]

Chris: Look at this. It’s the four Hemsworth brothers.

Callum: [speaking in fake Australian accent] Yeah, lot of cake up here, ladies!

Liam: Yeah, Callum’s actually an actor as well.

Callum: [speaking in fake Australian accent] Yeah, that’s right. I do series of instructional videos. About dinner with snakes in the workplace.

Luke: Why don’t you tell them about your big catch phrase?

[Cut to Chris and Callum]

Callum: [speaking in fake Australian accent] Oh, yeah, yeah! It’s just one line where I go. “Kill it!”

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Well, here you have. You have Hemsworth boys. Anyone have any questions for us?

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Um, I do. What’s it like to be called world’s sexiest man?

[Cut to the Hemsworth brothers]

Chris: Well–

Callum: [interrupting] Well, I’ll tell you this one here buddies. [speaking in fake Australian accent] It’s just a bit weird coz I just think of myself as a normal guy. But, um, then I see myself in a mirror and I can’t argue with it.

Chris: Yeah, I wanna say this. It doesn’t matter what you look like. What really matters is what’s in here. Muscles! [looking at the audience] Yes, you sir.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: This is a question for Callum. I noticed your accent is slightly different from the other guys. Are you sure you’re from Australia?

[Cut to Chris and Callum]

Callum: [speaking in fake Australian accent] Me? Australia? [Callum starts mumbling stuffs]

Chris: Alright, you know what? Believe it or not, believe it or not, Callum, he’s actually adopted. He’s from a place in northern territory which is called Atlanta.

Callum: Yeah, it’s way out in the whoop-whoop.

Chris: Um-hmm. [looking at the audience] Next question.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Hi. You all seem so genuine. How do you stay so down to earth?

[Cut to the Hemsworth brothers]

Liam: It’s because of our mum.

Luke: She raised us really, really well.

Chris: She did, she did. We might bring her out actually. Come on our, mum.

Callum: There she is.

[Mum walks in clapping]

Mum: Alright, alright. There’s my boys. Some folks have one son. I have a leader.

Chris: Yeah! We just wanted to say thank you mum, for everything.

Mum: Well, you’ve always ruined my body, so it’s least you can do. Ha-ha.

Chris: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Zac Brown band is here.

[cheers and applause]

Stick around, and we’ll be right back.

American Express Ad

Chris Hemsworth

[Starts with an SUV pulling over] [Chris Hemsworth walks out of the car and to his studio for movie shooting.]

Chris Hemsworth narrating: I wasn’t always Thor. When I got to Hollywood, I said I’d never make it as an actor. They said I was too tall, too blonde, my muscles were too big. It didn’t happen overnight for me. I bounced around Hollywood for days! And then someone stopped me in the street and said, “You gotta be Thor. Come with me.” At my audition they said, “Um, we’re looking for a Thor type. Not actual Thor.” Then everybody laughed. And then they gave me a check for $8 million. They also said I’d never be able to have sex with a woman because my penis was too large. But then, I had sex with a lot of women. So I guess, they can’t say that anymore. They said I never looked cool with sunglasses, but check this out! [Chris Hemsworth wears sunglasses] Boom!

Female voice: Wherever the journey takes you, there is American Express.

Chris Hemsworth narrating: This is my journey. If a jacked Australian with a perfect face can make it, anyone can.

[American Express logo appears in the middle of the video]