Mirror Workout

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Nathan… Nick Jonas

Crissa… Heidi Gardner

Shannon… Kate McKinnon

Azuzal… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Chris and Mikey in their apartment]

Chris: So, how does this thing work again?

Mikey: It’s a workout mirror. So, the instructors are in it. You just do what they do. It’s supposed to be awesome.

Chris: Oh, that’s sick. I’m gonna get so jacked.

Mikey: Yeah. I know, man. Like, the bike, the rowing machine, the treadmill, none of that stuff worked. But this definitely will.

Chris: Well, let’s do it, man.

[Mikey turns the mirror on. Nathan appears on it.]

Nathan: What’s up? Welcome to your first mirror workout. You ready to work?

Chris and Mikey: Yeah!

Nathan: That’s what I thought. Today, we’re gonna be doing Mikey0 second interval training. We’ll be cycling through trainers. So, let’s go. Let’s do this. I’m Nathan. And you’re going to make some major gains. I’m your man.

Mikey: Yo, dude, I love this already.

Chris: We’re gonna get so yo.

[Crissa appears on the mirror.]

Crissa: And I’m Crissa, cardio queen. I’m here to make you sweat. You’re going to hate me by the end of this. But I love that.

Mikey: Oh, dude, Crissa’s gonna kick our ass. I can feel it.

Chris: Man, these people are great, man. They get me pumped up.

[Shannon appears on the mirror. She is an old woman]

Shannon: My name is Shannon Delgado. I am trapped inside of the mirror. I am in a cold black void. If you can hear me, please help me undo the curse.

Chris: What the hell was that about?

Mikey: Yeah. I don’t know, man. But Nathan’s back. Let’s do this.

Nathan: Alright, dudes. Pick up those weights. It’s bicep curls. Make sure you get a full extension. Swirl is the goal. Let’s go.

Mikey: Yo, this is tight.

Chris: It’s definitely cool. My only question is like, who is Shannon Delgado?

Crissa: Hey, ya’ll! It’s time for high-steps. I know it sucks but just remember you’re earning that guacamole later.

Mikey: Oh, dude, you know I’m a guac freak.

Chris: Oh man, you know I am too. Oh, no. She’s back.

[Shannon is standing there with paper bags full of groceries]

Shannon: Hello again, it’s me, Shannon Delgado. Here is what happened to me. I was rude to a fortune teller and now I am here. I need you to call my husband, Ron Delgado, and tell him not to get remarried. I don’t have much time. I am being watched.

Chris: Okay, now she’s got her stuff with her. I’m kind of worried about Shannon Delgado, man.

Mikey: Yo, what I’m worried about is my gains. When’s my man Nathan coming back?

Nathan: Time for tricep kickbacks. Nathan arms, that’s what you want? You gotta do it like this. Also, pro-tip, don’t listen to Shannon Delgado. She’s a liar. Let’s go.

Chris: Wait, he can hear us?

Mikey: Dude, focus on your form.

Shannon: There’s no food in here. Sometimes they lay out a beautiful feast but it twinkles in a way that lets me know that it’s cursed. Once they gave me a beautiful meatball subs. I took a bite and I looked down and it was a rat.

[Azuzal slides in behind Shannon. He’s a guy wearing a red robe with long sharp nails.]

Azuzal: Work.

Shannon: Yes, yes. Apologies, Azuzal. Azuzal guards the gateway.

Azuzal: Work. Stretch.

Shannon: Yes, of course, Azuzal. So, just pull your arm across chest, guys.

Mikey: Oh, okay. So, she does like stretching I guess. Alright, that makes sense.

Chris: No, it doesn’t. And who is Azuzal?

Nathan: Alright. Now, it’s time for the fun stuff. We’re doing a mixtape. New move, new song. Start with me and Jason Derulo. Squads!

Mikey: Oh dude, these are tough, man. Ass to the grass, right?

Crissa: My turn. Let’s do some punches. Time to pump it up raise the glass.

Chris: I do love this.

Mikey: As long as it’s not squats, dude. I’m happy.

Shannon: [scared of Azuzal] Breathe into the stretch.

Azuzal: Work, my Shannon!

Mikey: Alright, full disclosure, man. I like Nathan and Crissa. I’m just not really feeling Shannon Delgado or Azuzal.

Chris: I’m kind of team Shannon. I hope she’s okay.

Nathan: Alright, yo. Let’s recover. Let’s roll out these shoulders. Nice.

[Shannon quietly walks pass behind Nathan]

Chris: Yo, Shannon Delgado is trying to get away.

Nathan: What? Oh, no. Azuzal, she’s not in her frame. Quick! She’s disobeying.

[Azuzal also walks pass behind Nathan]

Chris: Dude, Nathan is on Azuzal’s side.

Nathan: Alright yo, let’s take a deep breath. Roll it out, all sweaty. Praise to Azuzal. And workout done. Nice job.

Mikey: Nice, dude. I actually already feel gains.

Nathan: Y’all killed it today. Give yourselves a “Hell yeah!”

Chris and Mikey: Hell yeah!

Crissa: Give yourselves a “We freakin did it!”

Chris and Mikey: We freakin did it!

Shannon: Give yourselves “Infectus dome zu!”

Chris: A what?

Mikey: Infectus dome zu!

[lightning appears inside the apartment]

Chris: What the hell? Oh, dude! The power went out or something? What?

[Shannon is in place of Mikey now. She is standing beside Chris in the apartment.]

Shannon: It worked. It worked. I’m free. Ron, I’m coming.

[Mikey is inside the mirror now and Azuzal is behind him]

Mikey: No! No, why am I in here?

Azuzal: You are Shannon now. Work!

Lets Say Grace

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Carl… Regé-Jean Page

Dale… Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Charlie… Andrew Dismukes

Punkie Johnson

Chris Redd

Dana… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a family get together]

Aidy: Well, there they are.

[Everyone greeting each other]

Ego: It’s so nice for you all to have us over. This house is lovely.

Carl: Man, look at all this food. You all having a whole football team over?

[everyone laughing]

Aidy: No, no, no. This is just what we do when new neighbors drop by. We act neighborly. So, this is buffet style. Grab a plate and go to town.

Dale: Now, before we dig in, our family usually says a little prayer. Is that okay? Y’all church going people?

Ego: Oh, absolutely.

Kenan: Absolutely. Have been Mr. Sunday since 81.

Dale: Well, that’s good. I’mma get my youngest Charlie to say grace. Go ahead, Charlie.

Charlie: Um, okay. Thank you for this food. Bless us as we eat. Amen.

All: Amen.

Aidy: Well, that was really nice. Okay now, we got two kinds of taters and my famous cheese biscuits.

Kenan: Uh, you know what? I hate to keep us from eating, but I feel like that prayer was incomplete.

Ego: Um-hmm, yeah. You know, I don’t feel comfortable eating this food until it is properly blessed. That’s how folks get sick.

Kenan: So, I’ll get my oldest Carl to bless us. Go ahead, Carl.

Carl: Alright. Thank you lord for this beautiful, boundful food. Thank you to those who raised it, picked it, chucked and cleaned it.

Dale: Amen, wonderful.

Carl: I’m not done. Processed it, packaged it, rubbed it, flipped it and reversed it. In the name of the father, the son, the nieces, the nephews, the second cousins. Once removed, twice removed and twice returned.

Ego: Um-hmm, baby, now don’t forget the holy trinity, okay? Earth, wind and fire. Bell Biv Devoe. And the holiest of trinities, the children of destiny, Beyonce, Kelly and I suppose, Michelle.

Punkie: Um, yes. And may the holy ghost greet with a blessed peek-a-boo.

Chris: And lead us not into temptation but deliver us Amazon Prime for free.

All: Amen.

Kenan: Very nice.

Ego: Lovely.

Aidy: Alright. Well, that was a beautiful effort. And hey, if we’re praying like really praying, let’s kick up a notch, huh? So, I’m gonna ask my post-pubescent daughter, Dana, to give us something a little more spirited.

Dana: [angry] Mom!

Aidy: [angry] I said my busty daughter is going to give us something spirited. Now, do what you learned in church camp.

Dana: Argh! Okay, fine! [gets a mic and starts rocking her body. Her brother, mother and father also start rocking their bodies] Alright, let’s get our hand clap going. There we go. There we go.

Jeremiah came down.

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: With a cask of oil

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: Jebediah came down

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: With a cask of water

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: Jeremiah, Jebediah, oh, they gotta be in their way. Amen.

Dale: Alright. That’s a prayer.

[Kenan’s family is planning too]

Chris: That was real nice. Real cute now. Yeah.

Kenan: I think we maybe can do a little better. Um-hmm. Bernadeth, it’s time. Bring in the big dogs.

Punkie: The big dogs.

Aidy: Um, wow. Okay.

Charlie: Y’all came prepared.

Dana: Yeah, they don’t teach this at church camp.

[Kenan’s family all have paper fans with gods’ pictures on them]

Kenan: Um-hmm, and we got this here Beats Pill. [pulls out a bluetooth sound speaker]

Dale: Okay. You’re on sound system. Very cool.

[music starts playing]

Kenan: Alright everybody. Raise your hands up for it’s time to pray away what’s on the layer way. Here we go.

Ego: [singing] Now, who gave all the fishes?

Family: G-O-D.

Ego: And washed all your dirty dishes?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: Who turned water into wine?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: And milk into moonshine?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: Break it down now, Dale!

Dale: Who, me? Alright.

[Dale starts to break dance]

All: Go, Dale! Go, Dale!

Kenan: Now, raise your hands in the air
if you want to say a short prayer
and when we bless this food, make it taste real good
somebody say “Oh, yeah!”

All: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Amen…

Actors Spotlight

Pam Barrett… Ego Nwodim

Kingsley Ben-Adir… Regé-Jean Page

Daniel Kaluuya… Chris Redd

Ice Cube… Kenan Thompson

Hugh Grant… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Pam hosting the show]

Pam: What’s up, guys? Pam Barrett here with you on After Spotlight, where we highlight a profession the media often overlooks – Actors. We have three incredible guests with us today. First, Kingsley Ben-Adir is having a moment. He plays Malcom X in acclaimed movie “One night in Miami”. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to the movie scene]

Kingsley: That’s why this move that we are in is called struggle. Because we are fighting for our lives.

[Cut back to the show]

Pam: Thank you for being here.

Kingsley: [with accent] Wonderful to be here as well.

Pam: I’m sorry. Say that again?

Kingsley: Um… Wonderful to be here.

Pam: Wait… You’re British?

Kingsley: Yeah, that’s right.

Pam: Oh my god. Your accent, you changed it. You tricked me.

Kingsley: I mean, well, I am an actor. It’s my job, ain’t it?

Pam: [laughing hard] Ain’t it? Yeah, it is. You so crazy, Kingsley. Wow. Okay, you know, let’s go to Daniel Kaluuya who is getting some Oscar buzz for his movie “Judas and the black Messiah”. Here, he is a Black Panther party leader Fred Hampton. Take a look.

[Cut to the movie scene]

Daniel: I believe I’m here and I’m doing what I was born for because I live for my people. Because I love the people. I’m gonna fight for the people. Because I will die for the people.

[Cut back to the show]

Pam: An amazing performance.

Daniel: [with accent] Hello love. You alright, yeah?

Pam: Hold up. Another one? You’re British too?

Daniel: I suppose so, yeah?

Pam: [laughing] Oh my god. Okay, this is so crazy. Were you British when you made “Ghetto”?

Daniel: Hah? Indeed I was. Yeah.

Pam: I’m just so impressed. God, what can’t you two do?

Kingsley: Well, I mean, looks like we can’t carry a legal American passport.

Pam: [laughing hard] Oh my god. You just thought that right now? Okay. And finally, Ice Cube is here. He is in new movie coming out in Hulu Atlanta called “Are we there yet? And if not, why?” Take a look.

[Cut to the movie scene]

Ice Cube: Yo! Get your ass in this car. We gotta get there. Man, if you don’t get in here, we’ll never get there!

[Cut back to the show]

Pam: Welcome, Cube.

Ice Cube: Well, lovely to be here. It’s a real tippy-topper.

Pam: Hold up. Are you trying to do the British accent?

Ice Cube: Na, na. I’m actually Bri-ish. [trying to speak with accent]

Pam: Cube, come on. You don’t have to do this.

Ice Cube: Do what? Be a young handsome cri-ikly acclaimed Bri-ish actor (critically acclaimed British actor)? I’m British from Jolly Old London town.

Kingsley: You’re from London, yeah? I was born off Kentish town. What part you from?

Ice Cube: Oh me? Ma, I grew up in tickle buckle circle.

Kingsley: Yeah, I’m not sure I’ve heard that one, mate.

Ice Cube: Oh, come on, mate. It’s right near muggle pipas cross.

Pam: Come on. You’re Ice Cube. You’re from South Central Los Angeles. It’s in every one of your songs. You know, I know a lot of Brits win Oscars playing Americans but you don’t have to do this.

Ice Cube: I don’t need no Bloo-i Osca (bloody Oscar). I already won three pudding boys.

Kingsley: Just be yourself, mate. We love you. Ice Cube’s an American legend.

Ice Cube: Well, me name is not Ice Cube in Brit-in (Britain).

Kingsley: Yeah? What is it?

Ice Cube: Coldy Squares.

Kingsley: Coldy Squares? Come on, man.

Pam: It’s not even– What is?

Daniel: Bruv, if you’re actually British, what do we call bars in the UK?

Ice Cube: Ye olde slurp and burp.

Daniel: Well, your American accent is perfect. Where did you learn it from?

Ice Cube: Oh, I wotch a loh (watch a lot) of FRIENDS.

Kingsley: Come on, fam, that’s what everyone says.

Ice Cube: Well, yeah, where did you learn American accent?

Kingsley: From watching Ice Cube movies.

Daniel: Yeah. “Friday”. “Boys in the hood”. Classics, bro.

Kingsley: You’re OG, man. You paved the way for all of us just being authentically you. Come on. Be real.

Ice Cube: [thinks for a second] Well, ain’t tha a pimp? You kicking me bimbly begins.

Pam: Okay. Not gonna buzz on this, huh? Alright, let’s go to commercial. Next step, we’ll go live from London and talk to start of the “Undoing”, Hugh Grant.

[Cut to Hugh in his home]

Hugh: [with accent]Yes, hello. It’s wonderful to be here. Pardon, is that Coldy Squares from tickle buckle circle?

Ice Cube: Ay! You win!

Hugh: I haven’t seen you since the 2010 Pudding Boys.

Pam: Um-umm. Okay, ya’ll. We have entered the Matrix. Let’s get on out of here.

Gorilla Glue

Denzel Commode… Kenan Thompson

Latrice Commode… Regina King

Chantel… Ego Nwodim

Darius… Chris Redd

Wendy… Cecily Strong

Tasha… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with Denzel Commode and Latrice Commode in their set. They both have damaged hair]

Denzel Commode: So, it happened to you?

Latrice Commode: Your worst nightmare.

Denzel Commode: We’ve all been there. You ran out of hair product and you used Gorilla Glue instead?

Latrice Commode: And it turned your beautiful luscious mane into a hard candy shit.

Denzel Commode: Hi, I’m Denzel Commode.

Latrice Commode: And I’m Latrice Commode. And if this has happened to you, you are not alone and this is not your fault.

Denzel Commode: And you are not dumb.

Latrice Commode: Fact, everyday as many as one people fall victim to sue a Gorilla Glue in place of a beauty product. And they deserve compensation.

Denzel Commode: We all do. You should not have to go through life with hair like a lego man. Because one time you used Gorilla Glue instead of Dath Wave Greese.

Latrice Commode: We will get you moneys for Gorilla Glue or the next best thing, a life time supply of Gorilla Glue. But don’t just take our word for it.

[Cut to Chantel. He has damaged hair too.]

Chantel: My name is Chantel. I ran out of leaving conditioner, so I reached for the next best thing, Gorilla Glue. Seems harmless, right? Well, it was not. And before you jokers on the internet say I should have read the damn label, I did. It just says, “Really strong glue and dangerous.” That can mean anything, Gorilla Glue. You gotta pay!

Denzel Commode: Oh, and they will or my name isn’t Denzel Commode.

Latrice Commode: It’s a mistake that can happen to anybody. Like brushing your teeth with preparation H.

Denzel Commode: Or putting on floor wax because you was ashy. Who among us?

Latrice Commode: Fact. Bug Gorilla is a multi-billion dollar industry. And we deserve half.

Denzel Commode: Or double. Here’s somebody else.

[Cut to Darius. He’s wearing a doo-rag.]

Darius: My name is Darius. I used Gorilla Glue on doo-rag so it wouldn’t slip off at night when I’m doing my girl. Now, imagine my surprise when it wouldn’t come off at all. I mean, what the heck? I got to sing at a wedding in four days. Oh, we coming for you, Gorilla, tell them, baby.

[Wendy walks in wearing a really nice dress]

Wendy: That’s right. And when we’re dong, we’re coming for you too, Sharpie and Silly Putty. Look what your putty did to my butt. I sat down on a —

Denzel Commode: Look, we are not stupid people. We understand what we’re up against.

Latrice Commode: We know it’s going to be hard taking a Gorilla to court and suing him over his glue.

Denzel Commode: What if he get mad and start tearing up the court room?

Latrice Commode: But that’s a risk we are willing to take. This gorilla is problematic and needs to answer for his so called beauty glue.

[Cut to Tasha. She looks fine, but she has a red marking on her forehead.]

Tasha: My name is Tasha and let’s just say I tried to give myself an infinity stone little oozy did. And now it’s stuck on me permanent or whatever. And I’m not going to say it don’t look tight. Ha-ha-ha. But it burns, y’all. Damn you, gorillas.

Denzel Commode: Fact, gorillas are notorious for throwing their own doo-doo at folks. Even at little children.

Latrice Commode: So, it is not hard to believe they will also trick us into using that glue as beauty product.

Denzel Commode: Open and shut case, if you ask me.

Latrice Commode: So, if this has happened to you like it’s happened to our family [all the victims walk in and join Denzel Commode and Latrice Commode. Turns out they’re one family. Darius has his hands inside his pants.]–

Denzel Commode: Call us today. We know we can’t be the only family.

Wendy: Don’t be silenced by big gorilla.

Latrice Commode: Son, get your hands out your pants. We’re doing a commercial.

Darius: I can’t. It’s Gorilla Glue.

Latrice Commode: No, not again.

Denzel Commode: Look, we are not stupid people. So, call us at one-eighthundred-Glue. We coming for you, Gorilla.

Weekend Update TwinsTheNewTrend on Songs They’ve Never Heard Before

Michael Che

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

[starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It’s a new year and I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube and I saw these two young dudes react to Phil Collin’s “In The Air Tonight” for the first time. I was blown away by their positivity and the fact they’ve never heard “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collin. So, here to bring good vibes are TwinsTheNewTrend.

[Kenan and Chris slide in]

So, you two have a popular YouTube channel where you react to song you hear for the very first time like, “Bohemian Rhapsody” or “Can’t Touch This” or “Jolene”.

Chris: Oh, Jolene! Dolly Parton. Off with that one, boy.

Kenan: Oh, man! It’s like a story. Jolene can take your man if she wants to.

Chris: Cut it out, Jolene. Stop.

Michael Che: And you two had never heard that song before that moment?

Chris: No. Was it popular?

Michael Che: Yes. Incredibly. Well, either way, I thought it would be fun to play some songs and hear your reaction for the first time.

Chris: No doubt.

Kenan: Let’s do this.

Michael Che: Alright. Here we go. Let’s play something.

[“I’ll be there for you” by The Rembrandts is playing. Kenan and Chris are shaking their heads and enjoying. They’ve never heard it before.]

Kenan: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Chris: Yo, yo, yo. Hold on. Stop. They say, “Your life is DOA.” Like, dead or alive? It’s good to have options.

Kenan: Nah! I think he talking about Dua Lipa, yo!

Chris: Oh, with that guitar hitting, that was crazy.

Michael Che: You never heard that song before? It was a theme to one of the biggest TV shows of all time on NBC.

Chris: NBC? What’s that? STD or something?

Michael Che: Okay, never mind. Let’s keep going.

[“Baby Shark” by Pinkfong is playing. Kenan and Chris are rocking their bodies. They’ve never heard it before.]

Kenan: Hold up. Hold up. Stop. Ay! Baby shark is wild!

Chris: Yo, baby like du-du-du-du?

Kenan: Why is that baby shark by himself?

Chris: Yeah. Tada baby shark. Go home, baby.

Michael Che: So, that song has almost 8 billion views on YouTube and that’s the first time you ever heard of it?

Chris: Sure, but honestly, it’s the first time I’m hearing about baby sharks. Like, that’s crazy. I thought they were born full grown sharks.

Michael Che: Alright. Let’s try this one.

[Meow Mix commercial is playing. Kenan and Chris are dancing around. They’ve never heard it before.]

Chris: OH, hold on. No, they didn’t. No, they didn’t. Yo, no they didn’t do it.

Kenan: Yo! I didn’t even know that cats can get happy like that.

Chris: No, bro.

Kenan: They all sound sarcastic to me.

Chris: I’m not even a cat dude, but that was hot.

Michael Che: It’s also one of the most popular jiggles ever. It was a huge commercial.

Kenan: What’s a commercial? Like, a UFO?

Chris: Man!

Michael Che: I don’t know. Look, where have you guys been? Okay, try this.

[The nursery song of English alphabets “A-B-C…Z” is playing.]

Chris: Oh! Oh no!

Kenan: Hold up! Damn!

Chris: That’s so hot.

Kenan: Yo! I have never heard letters lined up before. That is crazy.

Chris: Yo, I wanna see how it ends, dawg.

Michael Che: With Z. It ends with Z.

Kenan: Oh, that’s fresh.

Chris: Yo, all can actually hear that.

Kenan: Word.

Michael Che: Hold on. Try this.

[SNL intro music is playing. Kenan and Chris are shaking their heads.]

Chris: Hm. I like this.

Kenan: That’s hot.

Chris: Oh, there’s a whole lot of saxophone. Like, too much, but I like it though.

Kenan: Yeah. Whoever is playing that sax on that song, he is like, playing sax.

Michael Che: TwinsTheNewTrend, everybody.

Chris: We’re going to be around for a long time.

Super Bowl Pregame Show Cold Open

James Brown… Kenan Thompson

Boomer Esiason… Beck Bennett

Bill Cowher… Alex Moffat

Nate Burleson… Chris Redd

Phil Simms… Mikey Day

Andy Reid, Bruce Arians. … Aidy Bryant

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the Super Bowl 55 pregame show on CBS.

[Cut to James Brown in his set.]

James Brown: Hello and welcome to the Super Bowl, four hours of television for 11 minutes of action. I am James “no, not that one” Brown. And joining me as always are Boomer Esiason.

Boomer Esiason: Excited to be here.

James Brown: Coach Bill Cowher..

Bill Cowher: Hey!

James Brown: Former wide out, Nate Burleson.

Nate Burleson: Okay.

James Brown: And the great, Phil Simms.

Phil Simms: Do we need this many hosts?

James Brown: As everyone at home knows this year has been anything but normal. The pandemic, racial and political divisions, army hammer. But today, we come together in a spirit of unity to watch football. And murdered billions of chickens for their delicious wings.

Boomer Esiason: [eating chicken at the set] I’ll wing to that. Ha-ha-ha.

James Brown: Right. That is right. The league also dealt with so many covid restrictions this year but with hard work and vigilance, we were able to get through the season with only 700 cases. Hurray us! But again, today is all about positivity.

Bill Cowher: Well, except in terms of test results, the NFL is incredibly careful. If you test positive, they will ask you to cover your mouth with a play chart.

Nate Burleson: And you know who stood in the covid restrictions more than anyone this week is Tampa Bay’s famous prostitutes.

Phil Simms: Dude?

James Brown: Today again, is about inclusivity and we’re offering a variety of viewing experiences. Earlier we showed highlights with a new Nickelodeon twist. [Cut to football game. There’s a lot of visual effects of green gooey liquid being sprayed at the players.] Including a few gruesome injuries. [cut to a player bleeding green.] [cut back to the host set]

Phil Simms: The game is also being simulcast on the Bravo network where it’s hosted by Andy Coen and instead of the Super Bowl, [cut to Bravo channel’s display of Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes] it’s called “Old Hag versus Young Slut.”

[cut back to the host set]

Nate Burleson: That’s right. That’s right. And if the Puppy Bowl isn’t your thing, flip over to the Hallmark channel for the original movie “The Woman Who Married Her Cat.”

Boomer Esiason: And this is interesting. The cat turns out to be Santa’s son.

Bill Cowher: Wow. Very cool, Boom. Now, this year, we want all viewers to feel welcome, appreciated and seen.

Phil Simms: And to reflect the importance of this moment in history you’ll see in passion commercials, this one almost brought me to tears.

[cut to an old video clips of black people’s achievements.]

Female voice: In these times, what you stand for matters more than ever. We’ve learned once again that freedom isn’t free. But we must always strive for equality. And we must always reach for [cut to Cheeze-Its commercial] Cheeze-Its. Cheeze-It’s, historically delicious. Cheeze-Its, historically delicious.

[cut back to the host set]

Phil Simms: Wow, truly inspiring.

Nate Burleson: What the hell?

James Brown: That was a commercial for Cheeze-Its?

Boomer Esiason: Really makes you think.

Bill Cowher: Right bro. But look, don’t worry. Hah! To balance off the so called ‘progressive ads’, we’re also airing some with the more conservative ads like this one.

[cut to the ad. A pizza delivery buy is ringing the door bell.]

Male voice: At Papa John’s, we know you want real ingredient. No additives, no preservatives and no child sex trafficking in the basement. Sorry democrats, you’ll have to get your child sex pizza over at Hillary’s Pizzeria. Papa John’s. It’s A-OK. Stop by with your Q-Pon today.

[cut back to the host set]

James Brown: Wait! That’s a pizza ad?

Boomer Esiason: Really makes you think.

Phil Simms: But some of the most prominent advertisers are skipping out this year and are instead directing out the money and attention to the ongoing vaccine effort.

James Brown: That’s right. Take a look at how Budweiser adapted this classic Super Bowl ad to help inform the public.

[cut to the ad. The horses are playing football, but there’s a syringe placed on the football. The syringe flies and needles an elderly lady.]

Male voice: It’s good! Better get the second dose of cold, refreshing Bud-light.

[cut back to the host set]

Phil Simms: Okay, I think that could be misleading.

Bill Cowher: Yeah. But remember, there’s another side to everything and anti-vaxxers drink beer too, that’s why Budweiser also released this ad.

[cut to the ad. There are two frogs talking.]

Frog: Don’t trust Pfizer.

[cut back to the host set]

Phil Simms: Well, I guess it’s nice to hear both sides of the issue via frogs.

Boomer Esiason: I love frogs. They’re like turtles without shells.

James Brown: And speaking of both sides, let’s talk to both of these incredible coaches about how they’re preparing for big game. Joining us first is chief’s coach, Andy Reid.

Andy Reid: Hey there, Jim. Appreciate you have me.

James Brown: Alright coach, how do you win this game?

Andy Reid: Well, we’re going to pass it and then we’re going to run it, and when they have the ball, we’re going to stop it.

Bill Cowher: Thanks so much for that coach Reid. Fascinating stuff.

James Brown: And now, let’s check in on the other side line with Tampa based coach, Bruce Arians.

Bruce Arians: Hey there, guys. Thanks for having me.

James Brown: Yes. You just heard coach Reid’s plan. How do you match up against that?

Bruce Arians: Well, we’re going to run it first, then pass it, and then when they have the ball, we’re going to try to take the ball back.

James Brown: Phenomenal insight. I’m glad we checked in

Nate Burleson: Oh, but I want to hear what coach Reid thought about what Arians just said.

Andy Reid: You do?

Nate Burleson: Yeah.

Andy Reid: Okay. Well then, just ask real slow.

Nate Burleson: Hey coach Reid, what do you think about what coach Arians just said?

Andy Reid: Great. Really good.

James Brown: Alright. Well, thanks to both coaches. Guys, final predictions for what we’re going to see today.

Bill Cowher: Okay, JB, I predict that at the end of the game covid will address the Florida crowd and thank them for an incredible opportunity.

Nate Burleson: I predict that Cardi B will do a disturbing  commercial called “Wet Ass Pepsi”

Phil Simms: Well, last year, Planters killed off Mr. Peanut. This year, I predict that Kia Hamsters do a murder suicide.

Boomer Esiason: And I predict that the green M&M will finally go full porn.

James Brown: Well, sounds like we got a lot to look forward to. Happy Super Bowl everybody. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Super Bowl Pod

Heidi Gardner

Shel… Kyle Mooney

Brandon… Dan Levy

Dale… Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

PSY… Bowen Yang

[Starts with five friends getting ready to watch football in home. They’re all wearing masks.]

Heidi: It’s so good to see everyone.

Shel: I can’t believe we’re having a Super Bowl party.

Brandon: I know. Is this okay? Like, should we be doing this?

Dale: Well, I’ve been super safe.

Chris: Same here.

Shel: Me too.

Dale: So then, masks off?

[they all take their masks off]

Brandon: God, I feel so free.

Shel: We’ve all been so good. We deserve this.

Dale: Totally. We have. And full disclosure, not a big deal, Angie and I went to PF chains for her birthday. We ate outdoors. Relax.

Shel: That’s cool.

Brandon: You’re fine.

Chris: Man, I’ve been crazy with this covid stuff. I haven’t left my house at all. I mean, I have been to the grocery store and the laundromat.

Brandon: Yeah, of course. Food, clothes.

Chris: And obviously I’m still doing my wrestling club, so…

Dale: Yeah. But that’s just a group of what? 20-30 really nice guys?

Shel: Wrestling a few nights guys, dude, you’re good.

Heidi: Yeah. I mean, we’re doing everything right.

Dale: Exactly. I haven’t hung out with anyone outside of my pod in almost a year.

Brandon: Oh my gosh, I feel you. I’m on quarantine burnout.

Dale: Yeah. It’s just me, my wife, my brother… his wife, obviously their neighbor, his brother, my grandparents and their nursing home. Oh, and I go into work.

Brandon: Sorry. What is it that you do again?

Dale: I’m a mouth masseuse. I massage mouths.

Shel: Oh, that’s fine. I mean, you’re not kissing them, right?

Dale: Just hello and goodbye. And sometimes while I massage them.

Brandon: Yeah, but that’s work. We are doing everything right.

Heidi: Yeah. I don’t understand how people are still getting sick.

Chris: Well see, the problem is they’re going out and doing normal activities like seeing friends and stuff.

All: So stupid.

Brandon: So disgusting. What about you, Shel? Single guy over there? You look lonely and depressed.

Shel: Absolutely. Of course, now it’s all about zoom dating. For me, it’s just too awkward. So, I’ve been having raw dog sex with the strangers in the park.

Heidi: Outside with air, you’re fine.

Brandon: Yeah. For me, it’s just been Netflix, Netflix and more Netflix.

Chris: What have you been watching?

Brandon: Oh, no. For meetings, I’m flying all over LA, London, Brazil.

Shel: Well, you got the vaccine, didn’t you?

Brandon: Oh, yeah. Actually, I’ve got it. I’ve got it right here. [showing the vaccine in it’s small container]

Heidi: Are you gonna take it?

Brandon: Yeah. I mean, I take it everywhere I go.

Shel: Great thinking, Brandon.

Chris: Hey, we’re doing everything right.

Dale: Who’s hungry for my famous chilly? [everybody get excited] Because of covid, I don’t want to share utensils.

Brandon: Totally. Let’s be smart. Actually, I have some– Let’s just do this.

[Brandon sprays sanitizer on everyone’s hands. Then they all start eating with their hands sharing the food bowl.]

Heidi: Oh, look who became a chef. Yeah. I went viral on TikTok.

Chris: What? For dancing?

Heidi: No. For fit non-pudding.

Dale: Oh, TikTok. All the little videos.

Heidi: Dale. Did you spice this chilly?

Dale: Yeah, of course. It’s my famous chilly.

Heidi: Because I can’t really taste it.

Brandon: I can’t really smell it either.

Chris: Do you guys think that–

Shel: No. Dude, we’ve been doing everything right.

Heidi: We need a hug.

All: Yeah.

Dale: Hey, remember hug?

[they all hug each other.] [the lights turn dark. Anthony Fauci walks in front of them at the spot light.]

Anthony Fauci: Hi, I’m Dr. Fauci. Right now you’re probably feeling like most Americans. Bored, horny and borderline nuts. I know I am. But what you just saw is the wrong way to Super Bowl. That’s why I partnered with Cheetos and durex condoms to remind you to Super Bowl responsibly. At home, in a mask, lights off, no friends.  #ThisIsHowWeSuperBowl. [PSY walks in] And to help spread my messages, my good friend Kpop superstar PSY.

PSY: Covid Super Bowl

[starts singing like his song “Gangnam Style]

Co-co-co-co-covid Super Bowl

Supermarket Sweep

David Ruprecht… John Krasinski

James… Chris Redd

Dina… Ego Nwodim

Billy… Andrew Dismukes

Riba… Lauren Holt

Kris… Aidy Bryant

Gina… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with TV show schedule]

Female voice: You’re watching the Game Show Newtork’s 90’s Throwback Night. At 8, it’s Dogs vs Kids. At 9, it’s The Great American Slime Race. But now, it’s a classic 1991 episode of Supermarket Sweep.

[cut to the show set]

David Ruprecht: Hello and welcome back to Supermarket Sweep. It’s jeopardy for food. I’m your host David Ruprecht. Let’s meet today’s contestants. James and Dina. Billy and Reba. And Kris and Gina. Welcome to the show. James and Dina, how do you know each other?

James: We’re dating.

Dina: We’re engaged.

David Ruprecht: Terrific. Billy and Reba?

Billy and Riba: We’re married.

David Ruprecht: Very nice. And Kris and Gina. How do you two know each other?

Gina: We are very good friends.

Kris: Yes. We breed pugs

Gina: We also share clogs.

Kris: Yes. And one bedroom home in Vermont.

David Ruprecht: Super. Alright. You excited for sweep?

Gina: Oh sir, yes sir.

Kris: We have a dozen rescued animals with different unmanageable medical conditions that require separate diets.

Gina: We know the supermarket like the back of our strong women’s hand.

David Ruprecht: Well, that sounds good to me. Okay. Let’s get to the most famous part of Supermarket Sweep, the little quiz about grocery items. Who’s ready? Alright. So, here we go. Laid by a feathered bird on two legs, this breakfast oval is known as…

[Kris and Gina pressing the buzzer button]

Kris: Eggs.

Gina: It’s eggs.

Kris: Eggs.

David Ruprecht: Very good. Kris and Gina.

[Gina and Kris look at each other]

Gina: I love you.

[Gina and Kris kiss]

Kris: You’re my king.

David Ruprecht: Little friendship kiss there. And wow! Eggs are a $100 bonus items. So Gina, go find those eggs.

Gina: Okay, [pointing at Kris] this is for you

Kris: Go my provider.

[Gina runs towards the grocery section of the set and brings in the eggs.]

Gina: I love you.

Kris: Come on. Get those eggs.

Gina: Got em’. God, I missed you.

Kris: I missed you so much.

Gina: That was crazy for me.

Kris: I am sick when you are not here.

Gina: Let’s never do that again.

[Dina presses the buzzer button]

Dina: Egg

David Ruprecht: That is correct but little late. Great job to the gal pals but couples, you’re still in this. Okay, here’s your next clue. If you’re running late–

[Kris and Gina pressing the buzzer button]

Kris and Gina: It’s ketchup.

David Ruprecht: That is correct.

Riba: [to Billy] Why didn’t you say ketchup?

Billy: They’re so fast.

Riba: Don’t yell at me.

Billy: Don’t emasculate me on TV.

David Ruprecht: Oh, trouble in paradise. Now, let’s learn a little bit about our front runners. What do you guys do for work?

Kris: I have a doctorate in grocery riddles.

Gina: That’s right. And I’m a unitarian minister.

David Ruprecht: Neat. What would you do with the money if you win?

Kris: Well, our blind horse needs a full time nurse.

Gina: Yeah. My snow shoes are looking a little ratty.

Kris: Yeah. And I do need titanium ankles because mine are just sort of bone on bone.

David Ruprecht: Ouchie! Well, good luck catching up, couples, because these two are really in sync.

Gina: Yeah, we got a really good thing.

Kris: Yeah. This woman taught me how to trust.

Gina: Sometimes I lie awake praying that we die in the same moment.

[Dina presses the buzzer button]

Dina: [pointing at James] Now, why doesn’t he talk about me like that?

James: What did I do?

Dina: Don’t talk to me.

James: I don’t know what to tell ya’. Pairs of friends like this do really well on our show. In fact, let’s take a moment to give a shoutout to our previous winners this season. They’re Sam and Karen. [both women] Jan and Rebecca. [both women again] Kelly and Rone. [both women again] And Ellen and Portia. [both women again] Alright. Kris and Gina, since you’re in the lead, you’ll get to do the mini-sweep. Now, if you find the specially marked golden blue-berry, you’ll win $5000.

Gina: I got this and I got you, babe.

Kris: Thank you for today and all the days in the future and all the days that we have had forever together.

David Ruprecht: And go!

[Kris and Gina run towards the grocery section. Kris falls down because of her ankle problem.]

Kris: Ouch! Oh god! Oh, no. Oh, my ankles. You gotta go on without me.

Gina: No. I’m never leaving you again.

Kris: You will have to.

Gina: Oh, like hell I do.

David Ruprecht: 40 seconds on the clock.

Kris: Look at me, Gina. You are my world. And all the deaf donkeys we have raised from bottle call, you mother.

David Ruprecht: 20 seconds left, girls.

Gina: [pointing at David Ruprecht] Shut up.

Kris: Yes, you shut up. You shut the hell up and let me talk to my friend. [talking to Gina now] Now, I was gonna wait, but your mother to die before I did this. [Kris pulls out an engagement ring.]

Gina: Oh my god.

Kris: Gina, will you do me the honor of marrying us?

Gina: Yes. By the power vested in my by the store Vermont unitary, you may now kiss the friend.

Kris: Oh baby.

[Kris and Gina start making out on the floor]

David Ruprecht: Well, time’s up and you didn’t find the blueberries. But on the bright side, I’m thinking about asking one of you out. Well, thanks for watching, America. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Smokey Robinson on Celebrating the Holidays

Michael Che

Smokey Robinson… Chris Redd

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The holidays are here. As we all know, there are many ways to celebrate. Here to talk to us about that is music legend, Smokey Robinson.

[Smokey Robinson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Smokey Robinson: [singing] Oh, baby, baby.

Michael Che: Hey, Smokey. Thanks for joining us.

Smokey Robinson: Ah! I bet you didn’t expect me to sing today, did you?

Michael Che: That’s the one thing I definitely thought would happen. Now, smokey, I’m surprised you’re here to talk about the holidays after a cameo went viral of you saying Chanukkah instead of Hanukkah.

Smokey Robinson: Yes, Michael. I did mess up, Michael. But the word, it’s a crazy looking word. In my first grade, teacher always told me to sound it out. And that method has never failed me until now, but it was an opportunity to learn.

Michael Che: What do you mean?

Smokey Robinson: Well, I did some research. The internet has some fantastic resources like Google and Wikipedia. Turns out, it’s not pronounced Chanukkah, it’s Hanukkah. And there’s a whole race of people that have been celebrating it for thousands of years.

Michael Che: Wait. Are you just now hearing about Jewish people?

Smokey Robinson: Hold up. You know about Jewish people already?

Michael Che: Of course, I know about Jewish people. I work in show business.

Smokey Robinson: Oh. You young people are something else. When I was growing up, all we had was white people. Skinny white, fat white, mean white, nice white, off white. That was it.

Michael Che: Smokey, that can’t be true.

Smokey Robinson: It is. I only heard about Jewish people this week. But I’ve been doing a lot of research over the last three days and there’s probably things you don’t know. They are wonderful people, Michael. You hear about– They got their own little hats called ya-moe-keys to show their devotion to god?

Michael Che: You mean yarmulkes.

Smokey Robinson: You say tomato, I say tumortoa.

Michael Che: Nobody says that, Smokey.

Smokey Robinson: Ay, you think you know everything? Well, if you knew the whole story, you wouldn’t have that tone.

Michael Che: What tone?

Smokey Robinson: Michael, I see you smirking because you think the Jewish people had easy road. You think it’s all light in the mano-ran and spinning the draden.

Michael Che: Draden, Smokey?

Smokey Robinson: [singing] Draden, draden, draden
I made you our of clay

Now, although I sound beautiful, it’s more to it than that. I read a pretty bad time with Jewish had went through.

Michael Che: Smokey, I thought you were coming to give us ideas for holiday gifts or something.

Smokey Robinson: Oh, my goodness. You’re right. You’re right. But you gotta realize this season, it isn’t about gifts, Michael. No. It’s about reflecting and loving your life. This year I’m playing to get my children and go to my Jewish place of worship. You may call it a swag along or tem-play and enjoy some potato lash keys and monster ball soup.

Michael Che: Monster balls? I hardly understood what you read and that sounds kind of nice.

Smokey Robinson: Also, I saw your mother. She said she can’t wait to see you on Crimans AV.

Michael Che: Christmas eve?

Smokey Robinson: I don’t know, man.

Michael Che: Smokey Robinson, everyone.

Bits

Garet… Chris Redd

Jake… Mikey Day

Steve… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Ryan… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with guys watching a game]

Garet: Fourth quarter, here we go. Everybody good on drinks? Jake?

Jake: Oh, no man. I got work early tomorrow. I think I’m good.

Steve: Cut to you forty beers later being like, “Ah! Actually I think I’m gonna be using that sick day.”

[everyone laughing]

Beck: Yeah. Cut to your wife tomorrow morning being like, “Are you drunk?” And you’re like, “No. [making puking sound] ”

Garet: Oh, come on, man! It’s not a late hit.

Jake: I know. This league is so soft now. It’s ridiculous.

Ryan: Cut to he’s like, so drunk, he’s got a grenade launcher now. And he’s like, “Ah! Never mind the kids. Save the burritos!”

[Everybody are looking at Ryan confused.]

Steve: What?

Ryan: Just.. from earlier. Jake. He’s just like, so drunk.

Garet: A grenade launcher? Man, I want whatever Ryan’s smoking.

[everyone laughing]

Ryan: I was just messing.

Jake: I think I’m gonna grab those buffalo wings actually. I’m starving.

[music playing] [Everyone goes dark. The spotlight is on Ryan.]

Ryan: [singing] Why can’t I keep thе joke going?
(keep the joke going)
When I riff with my friends
I just slow things down
(slow things down)

I always jump in really confident
But nobody laughs at what I say

I try so hard
But what i say just doesn’t make sense
It sounds so good in my head
But then my energy is weird

I’m the guy who kills the bit
Kills the bit
Kills the bit

Yes, I’m always killing the bit
Killing the bit
Killing the bit

Now, once again, everybody’s laughing
I’d better say something cool and hilarious

[Cut back to everyone laughing and enjoying the game]

Ryan: Say… cut to, like, a giant mutated buffalo wing with boxing gloves, and it’s like, “In this corner, weighing in at a thousand pounds, Johnny buffalo!”

[Everyone is looking at him confused again]

Beck: What?

Ryan: The buffalo wings you guys were talking about…

Garet: That was, like, five minutes ago!

[all groan as Ryan spills the plate of wings.]

Beck: Oh, dude!

Jake: Okay…

Ryan: Guess Garett’s right. I want what I’m smoking!

Steve: Ryan, listen. We like you, man. You’re a great guy. So, I say this with love. You don’t have to be funny, man

Ryan: Alright, Steve!

Steve: No, seriously, man, it’s okay to just listen. You don’t have to add anything.

Ryan: Right. Cut to me making, like, a thousand more jokes.

Garet: I’m sorry. Am I missing something? What is this “cut to” thing?

Steve: Uh, we were doing it earlier. Maybe just give it a rest?

Beck: Yeah. I think we’re all a little “cut to”-ed out.

Ryan: For sure. Cut to… me making another “cut to” joke?

[All stare, then giggle a bit]

Garet: Okay, that’s not bad.

Jake: Yeah, that one was pretty good

[music playing]

Ryan: [singing] I’m the guy who nailed the bit
Nailed the bit
Nailed the bit

And now that I’ve proven myself
I’m finally just one of the guys

[Cut to the guys]

Ryan: Hey, Steve! Beer alert, think fast!

[Ryan throws the beer can at Steve and it hits him in the head.]

All: Oh!

Steve: Fuck!

Ryan: Oh, crap… I think I might just bounce.