New Video Game

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Knox… Ego Nwodim

Damian… Kit Harrington

Ethan… Mikey Day

Zombie… Chris Redd

[Starts with Pete Davidson going to play a VR video game in a video game store]

Pete Davidson: Dude, you’re going to love this game. Are the graphics as insane as everybody says they are?

Alex Moffat: Are you kidding me? “Earth War 3” It makes “Earth War 2” look like a Mario game. And in VR, forget about it.

Pete Davidson: Dope. Let’s smoke some zombies. [Cut to Video game] Yo, it’s like I’m actually there.

Alex Moffat: Right?

[Damian looks at the player]

Damian: Hey, you must be the new special division agent. I’m Damien. I run the safe house where you can upgrade gear and check progress. But first, find the weapons room.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Oh, wow. All right. I’m going to get the biggest gun they have.

Alex Moffat: Do it, dude.

[Cut to video game. Player walks to Ethan.]

Ethan: Hey, agent. I’m Ethan. I run the safe house with Damien. This is your mission hub. Or it will be once I get it up and running.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: Uh, cool. Not here to talk. [Cut to Pete and Alex] Where are the guns at?

[Cut to video game. Player is looking for a gun, but runs into Damian.]

Damian: Hey, it’s me, Damien. I saw you talking to Ethan. I heard him say we run the safe house together. We don’t. I run it. He helps.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: All right.

[Cut to video game. Damian is talking to the Player.]

Damian: Ethan’s nice but his ideas aren’t great. Like his mission hub.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: I just want to shoot zombies but these helper guys keep bending my ear.

Alex Moffat: Oh, NPCs? If you don’t want to talk to them, just hit ‘B’, dude!

[Cut to video game. Damian is talking to the Player.]

Damian: Hey, I heard something weird about Ethan.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Skip.

[Cut to video game. Damian is talking to the Player.]

Damian: I get it. You’re a busy man. Now go kick some ass.

[Ethan calls the player]

Ethan: Agent, there’s a zombie horde in sector 3. Come with me to gear up.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: Finally. Thank you.

[Cut to video game. Ethan takes Player to a room.]

Ethan: Hey, I lied about the whole zombie horde thing so we can talk alone.

Pete Davidson: No!

Ethan: Is Damien like, mad at me? I think he’s jealous of the mission hub because it was my idea. Or it’s something else. What do you think?

[Three options appear in the game] [Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Shut up.

[Cut to video game. Ethan is talking to the Player.] [Pete presses skip button]

Ethan: Oh, I understand. You don’t have time to talk but let me guess, you have time to talk to Damien. This place is so toxic.

[Ethan leaves the room]

Pete Davidson: Are you kidding me?

[Damian enters the room]

Damian: Oh, my god. What wasn’t all that about?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: Can I kill these guys?

[Pete starts hitting Damian] [Cut to video game. Player is hitting Damian.]

Damian: Watch it. Ouch. Be careful. Wa- Wa- Watch it.

Pete Davidson: Skip.

Damian: I get it, you’re a busy man. Go kick some ass.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: Guns, now please!

[Cut to video game. Player gets out of the room and runs into Knox.]

Knox: Agent. There you are. I’m Knox, section commander. I’ll cut to the chase. What’s going on with Ethan and Damien? Get real with the bitch.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: No!

[Cut to video game. Knox is talking to the player.]

Knox: We’ll talk later. Anyway, the weapons storage room is that way. Good luck.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Oh, my god, finally!

[Cut to video game. Player walks to the weapons storage but runs into Ethan and Damian.]

Ethan: Hey, agent. Damien and I are hashing some stuff out.

Pete Davidson: No!

Damian: Yeah, we’re going to need a minute alone.

[Ethan closes the door]

Video Game Announcer: Storage room locked.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Are you kidding me?

[Cut to video game. Ethan and Damian are talking.]

Ethan: Any idea that’s not yours.

Damian: I mean, every time now, Ethan, for god’s sake.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Screw it, I’m going out without a gun.

Alex: Yeah!

[Cut to video game. Player opens the lab door.]

Video Game Announcer: Lab door open.

[Player walks outside the lab. A zombie confronts him.]

Zombie: Rawr! What’s the deal with Ethan and Damien?

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: No!

[Cut to video game]

Video Game Announcer: Game over!

Cheques | Season 44 Episode 16

Chris Redd

Sandra Oh

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Chris and Sandra at a coffee shop. Chris Redd pays the bill.]

Chris Redd: Thank you.

Sandra Oh: Hey, I’ll send you what I owe you right now. [Sandra uses her phone to send the money to Chris]

Narrator: With services like Venmo and Apple pay, there are so many ways to send money in an instant.

[Cut to Chris. Phone beeps and he checks.]

Chris Redd: Just got it right now, thanks.

[Cut to Chris and Sandra]

Narrator: And While convenience is great, don’t forget, there’s also—

[Cut to a blank cheque] ‘Cheques’.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon writing a cheque] Because there’s nothing like furiously scribbling on a piece of paper, tearing it, flicking your wrist and saying,

Kate McKinnon: I trust this will suffice.

Narrator: Use Cheques for all your payment needs. Including, [Cut to Aidy Bryant writing a cheque] making him leave your daughter.

Aidy Bryant: Take this. Take this and never come back! Don’t pick up her calls. [Aidy Bryant handing over the cheque to a young man] She will be heartbroken but it needs to be done.

[Cut to Sandra Oh writing a cheque]

Narrator: And hushing Mildred.

Sandra Oh: [Sandra Oh handing over the cheque to a young woman] Forget whatever you think you saw last night by the Gazebo.

Kate McKinnon: Cheques!

Narrator: Use cheques for things like [Cut to Aidy walking to a young man] Peter’s birthday.

[Aidy Bryant handing over the cheque to a young man]

Aidy Bryant: For taking my rings off at night.

Narrator: Buying poison.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim mixing the poison off her ring into a teacup]

Ego Nwodim: Just one sip and I become head of the board.

[Cut to Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: Best of all, Cheques are easy. Here—[Cut to a blank cheque. Sandra Oh explains how to write a cheque.] what day is it. Here—his name. Here—how much. Here—the same but in letters. And here is the secret.

Aidy Bryant: Cheques!

Narrator: A cheque is drama. A cheque is a promise. Get them in baseball, Daffy Duck or Michigan state. And make sure to add the dash after the amount or god knows how many zeros they’ll add. [Ends with a man falling in a swimming pool] Cheques! Available at Ridgewood savings bank.