Medieval Times

Mikey Day

King…Beck Bennett

Princess… Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Blue Knight… Alex Moffat

Green Knight… Chris Redd

Red and Yellow Knight… Adam Driver

Kyle Mooney

Green Knight’s squire… Melissa Villaseñor

Red and Yellow Knight’s squire… Bowen Yang

[Starts with horns blowing in Medieval Times building] [Cut to Mikey, King and Princess. They’re wearing clothes of medieval age.]

Mikey: Lords and ladies welcome to Medieval Times in the mighty kingdom of New Jersey. Are you enjoying the garlic bread and entire small chicken?

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Yeah! Whoo! This is good bird. Smells a little like horse crap in here though.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Fairly. What say you might, king and fair princess?

[Cut to King and Princess]

King: Bring forth the knights.

Princess: And let the tournament commence.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: As you wish. From the hills of Don With, it’s the brave Blue Knight!

[Cut to Blue Knight. He is wearing an armor and has a sword.]

Blue Knight: I fight for king and country.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And from the planes of Campweld, it’s the just, Green Knight!

[Cut to Green Knight. He is also wearing an armor and has a sword.]

Green Knight: My king, I pledge your fidelity.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And from the field of Firth, a knight who decided to wear his own costume from home for some reason. The noble Red and Yellow knight!

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight. He is not wearing any armor.]

Red and Yellow Knight: My lands were taken. My village burnt on the orders of this false king. All because we would not pay his unjust tax.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Hey, Cameron. I know you’re taking that acting class, but please don’t do this.

Red and Yellow Knight: His soldiers murdered my son and ravaged my wife.

Mikey: Except, they didn’t! Now, don’t you have a greeting for the fair princess?

Red and Yellow Knight: Hi! [spits]

Mikey: No, please don’t say hi. Lords and ladies, the Red and Yellow knight.

[Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh, that’s our guy. Cheers son! Whoo!

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight]

Red and Yellow Knight: My family lay murdered and you cheer?

[Cut to Kenan and his son serious.]

Kenan: I’m sorry. [raising his glass] Wench, can I get another– what’s this called? Pleasant punch? With this junk, I’ve been leaning.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: God, speak to our knights

[Red and Yellow Knight walks in]

Red and Yellow Knight: My son’s name was Brandon.

Mikey: No, it wasn’t. You have no son. Go away.

[Mikey pushes Red and Yellow Knight away]

Now, as our knights prepare for the tournament, please welcome the Castle Falcon.

[Kyle walks in with a falcon]

Kyle: The falcon is famed for it’s intelligence. Now, prepare to be awed as it flies in a circle.

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Oh! Look at him go. Look son.

Kyle: The falcon can fly pedro. Hop! That speeds up pedro, hop! Hop! [Red and Yellow Knight walks in slowly with a bow and arrow.] Moving 50 miles per–

[Mikey runs in to stop Red and Yellow Knight]

Mikey: No, no, no, no.

Red and Yellow Knight: That bird is a spy for the king.

Mikey: Cameron, your acting class is a community college class. [Mikey pushes Red and Yellow Knight away] Now, come off.

King: Chill! I retire of this bird. Let the knights cross weapons.

Princess: I wish to see the Green Knight battle the Red and Yellow knight.

[Cut to Mikey and Red and Yellow Knight]

Mikey: And so you shall. Now, I ask the squires with which weapon will they do battle?

[Cut to Green Knight and his squire]

Squire: The Green Knight chooses a mace.

[His squire passes a mace to Green Knight] [Cut to Red and Yellow Knight and his squire]

Squire: The Red and Yellow Knight has this which he brought from home. [His weapon is a mixture of every other weapons into one weapon.]

Red and Yellow Knight: The mongolian speaks the truth.
Squire: [Yelling] No!

[Mikey comes in]

Mikey: Apologies to Squire. That was unacceptable. Now, let the fight begin.

[Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh! Here we go. If your mama asks, I had only one of these, alright? Let’s go Red and Yellow.

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight and Green Knight]

Green Knight: You’re not gonna hit me with that thing, right?

Red and Yellow Knight: Fear not. [Red and Yellow Knight puts the weapon down] I have no quarrel with the blackamore.

Green Knight: Blackamore? Na-ah! That’s strike two, bitch! I’m tired.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Strike two indeed. And now I’m hearing in my earpiece that our noble branch manager Steve P. would like to see you in his office immediately.

Red and Yellow Knight: Steve P. can wait for first I must slay this bloated bastard king!

Mikey: Okay, Steve P. is screaming. Please go.

Red and Yellow Knight: He charges you $110 for chicken and potato and does not give you the dignity of a fork?

[Cut to Kenan and his son. Kenan is eating his chicken with his hand.]

Kenan: Yeah, I do want a fork. No grown man should have to eat bake potato with his hands?

[Cut to Mikey and Red and Yellow Knight]

Red and Yellow Knight: And when your children asks who killed this putrid king–

Mikey: No, no, no, no, no.

Red and Yellow Knight: Tell them it was I, Cameron Bissle. Sad and eligible. Justice!

[Cut to everybody. Red and Yellow Knight runs to attack the king]

Mikey: No, no.

[The king is running] [Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh! This is a hell of a birthday son. Here, have a little sip of that.

[Kenan gives his son to have his drink] [The End]

Del Taco Shoot

Douglas… Kyle Mooney

Miranda… Chloe Fineman

Beck Bennett

Adam Driver

Jordan… Chris Redd

[Starts with Douglas and Miranda in a studio]

Douglas: So cool, right?

Miranda: Yeah, congrats on the gig. It’s actually a really fun commercial.

Douglas: Hey, I’m just here for check. Kidding!

Miranda: Ha-ha. True.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hello actors. Douglas, Miranda, thanks for being here. We’re so lucky we got our first choices.

Miranda: Oh, that’s so nice.

Douglas: That’s awesome.

Beck: Yeah. So, listen. Del Taco’s VP branding is here today. And he is very excited about their buck and under menu.

[Cut to Adam]

Adam: Happy to be here. Have a good day.

[Cut to Douglas, Miranda and Beck]

Beck: Alright, ready to give it a try?

Miranda: Yeah! Let’s do it.

Douglas: Definitely, yes. I almost didn’t make it today coz I almost stopped at Del Taco on the way.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Adam]

Adam: [laughing] Ya, save that. that’s funny.

[Cut to Douglas, Miranda and Beck]

Beck: Alright, I’ll take these scripts. Jordan, ready to roll?

[Cut to Jordan behind the camera]

Jordan: Ready when you are, boss.

[Adam walks behind the camera]

Beck: Okay, quite on set. And, action.

[Cut to Douglas and Miranda] [music playing]

Miranda: Um-um. this Del Taco is amazing. You gotta get some.

Douglas: Oh, man! I’m all out of cash.

Miranda: Well, with Del Taco buck and under menu, you can get all this–

[Cut to Beck and Jordan]

Beck: Okay, you know, let’s hold that there.

[Adam walks to Douglas and Miranda]

Sorry to interrupt. Um, Miranda, that was great. Douglas, what we’re trying to get here is that you’re hungry but you’re all out of cash. So it’s like, “Oh, man! I’m all out of cash.”

Douglas: Okay.

Beck: Try that. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, it’s like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: Sort of like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: It’s kind of like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, okay. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: It’s more of, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, right, right. So, it’s “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No.

[Cut to Adam, Beck and Douglas]

Adam: Mark, can I talk to you?

Beck: Yes, sir.

[Beck walks to Adam]

Adam: He’s bad. He’s very, very bad. He should be fun and lively. It’s a buck and under menu for crying out loud. He should be like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: Exactly! That’s perfect. Okay, I’ll handle it.

[Beck walks to Douglas and Miranda]

Miranda, killing it. Douglas, you’re kind of freaking us out. Coz you don’t want it to be bad, right?

Douglas: No, sir.

Beck: Alright. So, maybe it’s brighter.

Douglas: Oh,okay.

Beck: Yeah, we were thinking it’s kind if like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Got it. Yeah, yeah.

Beck: Yeah, let’s hear it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

[Adam walks in]

Adam: No, you don’t wanna kill yourself. You just want a taco. It should be like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, okay.

Adam: Now, say it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: You’re not a pervert.

Beck: He’s got to get out of his head.

Adam: I think we just gotta beat the hell out of this guy.

Beck: No. No, no, no. We can’t.

Adam: Oh, crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

Beck: I know. Wait, wait! I’ve got an idea. Dougie, you gotta get out of your head and in your body. Loosen up, alright? Come on. [jumping] Hoo! Hoo! “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: [jumping with Beck] “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, you’re still tight. You gotta loose it up. Drop your pants. Pull it down. Get it off your body. Now breathe deep through your butt hole. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, no, no. Squat into it. Squat into it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: No, you’re still reading like you’re a pervert. Put your shirt over like cornholio.

Douglas: Yes sir.

Adam: Alright, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: No.

Beck: Dougie, you gotta slow it down. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Now he’s saying like he’s hard.

Douglas: Sorry sir. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Just throw out away.”Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Yes, that’s it. One more time.

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Yes! Nailed it. Finally.

Beck: Did we get that?

[Cut to Jordan]

Jordan: No!

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: It doesn’t matter. Great day people. That’s a wrap!

[The End]

Alan Dershowitz Argues for Trump Cold Open

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Susan Collins… Cecily Strong

Alan Dershowitz… Jon Lovitz

Devil… Kate McKinnon

Chris Redd

Chloe Fineman

Jeffrey EpsteinAdam Driver

Bowen Yang

Flo… Heidi Gardner

Mr. Peanut… Mikey Day

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Mpffat

[Starts with a meeting in United States Capitol]

Mitch McConnell: Senator Collins, thank you for meeting me back in the chamber tonight.

[cheers and applause]

I wanted to see what you thought about the democrats kicks.

Susan Collins: Well, I was upset that Adam Schiff said republicans are afraid of standing up to the president coz if Trump ever tried to intimidate Susan Collins, I’d walk right up to him and say, [in soft voice] “You don’t do that, do you? I love you.”

Mitch McConnell: Um-hmm. We all know this impeachment proceeding is a sham and a hoax. Republicans are simply requesting a fair trial. No witnesses, no evidence! That way we can acquit president Trump and focus on the real criminals in this country, teenagers who try marijuana.

Susan Collins: Well, the evidence against Trump is pretty damning. So, I’m still on the fans. [wink her right eye]

Mitch McConnell: Hmm. Don’t worry. Our star defense attorney is presenting his case on Monday. He’s here right now to rehearse his arguments. Mr. Dershowitz! You wanna get in here?

[Alan Dershowitz walks in]

Alan Dershowitz: Hello, hello. Hello, hello.

[cheers and applause]

Jealous? Yes, hello everyone. It’s I, alan Dershowitz. Ah! It’s wonderful to be here coz I’m not welcome anywhere else. The line of haters out there for no good reason. But like I said to my client and my dear friend, Jeffrey Epstein, haters gonna hate.

Mitch McConnell: Yeah, um, Alan, I think you’re gonna wanna stay away from Epstein.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, right. Good point. Alright, let me try again then.

[Mitch McConnell and Susan Collins step aside and Alan Dershowitz stand behind the podium]

Now, members of this senate, president Trump is a lot like another client of mine, sir OJ Simpson.

Mitch McConnell: Alan!

Susan Collins: Could you not mention your previous clients and connection with the president? It’s not a great look.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, hey! It’s not a great look? It’s printed on my business cards.

Mitch McConnell: Alan!

Alan Dershowitz: Okay, okay. I digress. Now, where was I? Oh, yes! If I learned one thing from my time with accused wife murderer Claus von Bülow, it’s that appearances can be deceiving. Trump couldn’t possibly be guilty because– [putting his hand on his chest] Uh! Uh!

Mitch McConnell: Alan?

Susan Collins: Alan, are you okay?

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, my god! My heart!

[Alan Dershowitz falls on podium and smokes appears everywhere] [Cut to hell. Devil has horns on her head and she is sitting on a chair. There are minions behind her with red tridents.]

Devil: Oh, my god! Sorry! Oh, my gosh! Look at that. [Alan Dershowitz walks in] Freaking Alan Dershowitz.

[Devil and Alan Dershowitz shake their hands and hug.]

Alan Dershowitz: Huh? I’m in hell?

Devil: No! I mean, yes, you are. Let me explain. You’re not going to hell. You’re not even dying. I’m just gonna send up back upstairs in a minute. Honestly, I just really wanted to meet you. I never said it, I’m a huge fan.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! Thank you.

Devil: No, seriously. You are– you’re the GOAT! And I should know. That’s what my legs are made of. Here, I have a– [pointing to a rock] pull the rock!

[Alan Dershowitz pulls the rock and sits on it]

This is crazy. I don’t even know where to start. I’m about to fan girl out so hard right now. Ay, you mind if I record this for my podcast?

Alan Dershowitz: You have a podcast?

Devil: Oh, yeah. I invented them. Minions, can you bring us the mics please?

[Minion brings in a mic on a mic stand.]

Thank you so much. Okay, here we go.

[starting the podcast]

Ay! What’s up guys? It’s your main squeeze the devil. Reminding you ironically to visit adamandeve.com for all your adult toys. And shout out to our other sponsors too. Like, Vaping! You’re never too young to start vaping. And of course, My Pillow. Not the Pillow, the guy. We’re here today with the Alan Dershowitz, so inspiring.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! Satan, you’re making me blush.

Devil: Okay. But let me ask you something.

Alan Dershowitz: Fire away!

Devil: Okay. Careful now! How did you come up with this Trump defense? Coz years ago you said you don’t need a crime to impeach the president. And now you say you need something crime-like. I’m speechless.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah, yes sweetie.

Devil: And I gotta ask. Is there anyone you wouldn’t represent?

Alan Dershowitz: Well, as long as client is famous enough to get me on TV, it’s all good.

Devil: Yeah, yeah. Someone’s not famous, that’s a waste of time. I used to let nobodies into hell. But now it’s all influencers. Like in a fast pass. Fast pass straight to hell.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, okay. Like a fast pass, like in the Disney World?

Devil: Yeah, yeah. The folks at Disney tried out fast pass in hell before it went to Orlando. Frankly, a lot of stuff in Orlando started out right here in hell. Listen, I’m hogging all your time. A lot of friends started to stop by and see you.

[Jeffrey Epstein walks in]

Jeffrey Epstein: [clapping] Hey, hey!

[Cut to Jeffrey Epstein and Alan Dershowitz] [Jeffrey Epstein and Alan Dershowitz shake their hands] [cheers and applause]

Alan Dershowitz: Look who it is. Jeffrey Epstein. Great to see you. What are you doing here?

Jeffrey Epstein: Ah! Just hanging.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, very nice.

Jeffrey Epstein: Well I gotta say, I love what you’ve been doing for the president. All we get down here if FOX news and it’s been a joy to see your work.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! I wish you could have been there in person.

Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s too bad I was murdered!

Alan Dershowitz: Ha-ha! I know. Trust me. I know.

[Cut to everybody. Bowen walks in.]

Bowen: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Totally, you guys are hillarious.

Alan Dershowitz: ‘m sorry. Who are you?
Jeffrey Epstein: He’s the– He’s the– Well, you tell him.

[Cut to Bowen]

Bowen: Um, yeah. I wrote Baby Shark.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, my god! Genius.

[Cut to Bowen]

Bowen: Yeah, and that’s why I’m in hell, tu-tu-tu-tu. You know the rest. You know the rest.

[Flo walks in]

Flo: Did someone say hell?

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Alan Dershowitz: Flo from Progressive.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Yeah, yeah. She’s just visiting.

[Cut to Bowen and Flo

Flo: Yeah. I made a deal with a devil so I can be on TV forever!

[Mr. Peanut walks in]

Mr. Peanut: Man! I wish I had done that.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Oh, that’s right. Planters just killed off Mr. Peanut.

Alan Dershowitz: And you ended up in hell?

[Cut to Mr. Peanut]

Mr. Peanut: Well, I took out a lot of first graders with peanut allergies. Plus I never wore pants.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein. Mitch McConnell walks in.]

Mitch McConnell: Speaking of no pants, you about done here Alan? We got a lot more work to do for Mr. Trump.

Alan Dershowitz: You’re in hell too, Mitch?

Mitch McConnell: No. I just come down and use it as a sauna. But I’ve made a lot of friends here and they give me great advice about how to run the senate.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Hey, hey. Did you do that thing with Mary Garland that I pitched you?

[Cut to Mitch McConnell and Alan Dershowitz]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, it worked great. I meant to say thank you.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Oh, please! The smile on Mitch McConnell’s face is thanks enough.

[Cut to everybody]

Mitch McConnell: Aw! [laughing] [Alan Dershowitz loos at Mitch McConnell laughing and gets scared.]

Alan Dershowitz: Alright, well, thank you. It was very nice meeting you. And, I don’t know if I’m supposed to say this but I always suspected that you were a woman.

Devil: Yeah. I appear differently to different people.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah, to me the devil is a woman my own age. Alright, we gotta skedaddle.

[Cut to Bowen, Flo and Mr. Peanut]

Bowen: Yeah, we’ve got a double’s tennis against Menendez brothers. Alright, bye guys!

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Bye, bye. Stay cool Alan!

[Jeffrey Epstein and Bowen leave]

Alan Dershowitz: Okay! See you later. Ah, the Menendez brothers. Ones that got away.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Devil]

Devil: Well, good luck Mr. Dershowitz. We’re gonna be watching the trial this week. So, make us proud. If we get our TVs fixed in time, that is. Where is out IT guy? Mark Zuckerberg!

[Cut to everybody. Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Almost done, boss! And I just want everyone to know that I don’t endorse evil. I just helped millions of people share it. Ha-ha-ha!

Devil: Wow. Even for me, that’s haunting. Alan you wanna do this with me, bud?

Alan Dershowitz: Alright, be on it.

[Everyone comes close]

Everobody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Family Charades

Chris Redd

Paul… RuPaul

Kate McKinnon

Frank… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Sheila… Ego Nwodim

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with neighbors sitting in a hall after dinner]

Chris: You guys, dinner was amazing.

Paul: Is everyone in the neighborhood as nice as you?

Kate: Oh, you guys are sweet. We just wanted to give you a warm welcome.

Frank: Ay, you know, after dinner we normally play games.

Kyle: Yeah. You guys wanna play charades?

Everybody: Yeah.

Heidi: Okay. What are the teams?

Sheila: Should we do family versus family?

Kenan: Oh, well, more importantly, what are the stakes?

[Cut to Frank and Kate]

Frank: $1,000?

Kate: Frank!

Frank: Okay, well, too low? 5,000?

[Cut to everybody. Kate, Frank, Kyle and Heidi are sitting together as Barren family team. Chris, Paul, Sheila and Kenan are together as Johnson family team.]

Sheila: Okay. Alright, high stake charades. I like it. Alright, you guys go first.

[Cut to Barren family]

Kate: Alright, Barren family. Let’s lock in. I’m the start. Ready?

[Kate starts trying to tell her team using her actions only]

Kyle: Three words.

Frank: It’s a movie.

Heidi: Second word.

Kyle: Running.

Frank: Third word.

Heidi: Man. Running man!

Frank: Yes!

Kyle: Yes!

[The Barren family are celebrating] [Cut to Johnson family]

Paul: Don’t get too excited. The Johnson family is pretty darn good at charades.

Kenan: Yeah, that’s right. Sheila, why don’t you kick us all, babe?

Sheila: Yeah. Watch how it’s done. [Sheila stands to give her team hints] Three words.

Kate: No talking.

Sheila: Oh, you see. I didn’t interrupt you sis. So, let me have my round.

Kate: Okay. The one rule is that–

Sheila: Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! I’m opening this and I’m reading this coz..

Chris: A book!

Sheila: Yes! Yes! Okay. So, we’re gonna skip the first word coz it’s just ‘The’, okay? Alright. Second word. Not big, rhymes with skittle.

Kenan: Little!

Sheila: Yes! Yes! That’s correct. That’s right! That’s right.

[Cut to Barren family]

Heidi: What’s happening?

Kyle: I– I don’t know.

[Cut to Johnson family]

Chris: What’s happening is you’re getting your ass whooped in charades.

Sheila: Okay! Okay! Third word. Purple rain, purple rain!

Paul: Prince! The little prince!

Sheila: Yeah!

[The Johnson family are celebrating]

Chris: Rolling baby!

Kenan: That’s my girl!

[Cut to Barren family]

Kate: There seems to be some confusion about the rules.

Frank: Yeah. Yeah. Maybe let’s just call that a practice round. There were some discrepancies in that round.

[Cut to Johnson family]

Paul: Well, y’all was trolling us.

Sheila: Um-hmm. And those who kept talking.

Kenan: Yeah, no talking. This is charades.

[Cut to Barren family become confused] [Cut to Johnson family]

Paul: That was practice. This is real. Okay?

[Paul stands up to give his team hints]

Alright. Um, four words. And it’s a movie. And the first word’s just a number. So, just keep that in mind, okay?

[Cut to the Barren family]

Kate: See, but you can’t do that though. You’re supposed to mime it. There’s no words.

[Cut to everybody]

Paul: Oh, okay. Got it.

[Paul shows his own face, then points at Frank]

Johnson family: 12 years of slave. Oh!

[Johnson family are celebrating] [Cut to Frank]

Frank: What about me made you think of 12 years of slave?

[Cut to the Johnson family]

Kenan: I mean, come on!

[Cut to Barren family]

Heidi: No, you guys don’t get it. You have to mime everything. Like for that last round, you should have gone. [Heidi is giving an example]

Paul: Arsenio Hall!

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: No. I’m looking for a movie.

[Cut to Johnson family]

Chris: A movie with Arsenio Hall. Oh! Come to America!

Kenan: Oh, man! We are like five to nothing!

[Cut to Barren family]

Kate: Okay. You’re also not allowed to point to anyone or anything in the room.

[Cut to Johnson family]

Sheila: Okay, I have literally never heard that.

[Cut to Barren family]

Kyle: These are standard rules. Go again. Try to follow them this time.

[Cut to Johnson family. Kenan walking forward.]

Kenan: Hey, y’all starting to look like some sort of losers. But I’m happy to try it your way. Alright, here we go. [Kenan mimes just like Heidi before]

Sheila: It’s not Arsenio Hall but it’s a movie.

Kenan: Um-hmm.

[Kenan starts giving hints. He acts like he’s laughing, crying and then using a calculator.]

Paul: Bad boys for life!

Kenan: Yeah!

Chris: Oh! Looking like a blow out, baby!

[Cut to Barren family]

Heidi: How did they possibly get that?

[Cut to Johnson family]

Sheila: Oh, girl, that was easy. He spelled it out. It was a movie that made you laugh, made you cry and afterwards made you google ‘When did Martin Lawrence get old as hell?

[Cut to Barren family]

Kate: Okay, I guess that technically counts as a point.

Kyle: That’s not how you play charades! You have to go word by word like this, [miming] Bad! Boys! For! Life!

[Cut to Johnson family. They are all laughing out loud.]

Kenan: What the hell was that?

Chris: Nobody knows. Okay, my turn.

[Chris stands up] [Cut to Barren family]

Frank: How come they just keep going?

[Cut to Johnson family]

Chris: Aite, here we go.

[Chris starts miming]

Sheila: A movie!

Chris: Uh-huh!

Paul: 14 words.

Chris: Yeah.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: 14 words? This one’s gonna take forever.

[Cut to Johnson family]

Chris: No, it won’t. I’ll get in two seconds.

[Chris starts miming]

Sheila: Oh, he’s making Marlon Wayans face. Oh!

Johnson family: Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood!

Chris: Ah!

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: Yeah! Ah!

Chris: Now, that’s enough to get our $5,000.

Kenan: Yeah, and this is our house now, so you all can leave.

Chris: Bye-bye.

Kenan: Bye-bye!

Check-Splitting

Waitress… Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

Kyle Mooney

Kandis… Aidy Bryant

Heidi Gardner

Mary… Cecily Strong

Beth… RuPaul

[Starts with a waitress handing over the check to a group in a restaurant.]

Waitress: Okay, guys. No rush. Just gonna leave the check.

Chris: Well, thank you.

Kyle: Hang on, birthday boy. You’re not paying a dime.

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kandis: Yes. Let’s all of us, the rest of us, we’re gonna split it. Is that okay with everyone?

[Cut to Chris and Heidi]

Heidi: Oh, well, I didn’t have wine. Oh, but you know what? Who cares? It’s fine.

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kandis: Yeah, it’s just easier if you’re okay with that. I mean, and since we all have places to go, I think.

[Cut to Chris and Heidi]

Heidi: Um, no. It’s totally fine.

[Cut to Mary and Beth]

Mary: Excuse me! Now the last thing I want is you call a fuss. But I cannot sit here and silence for one more moment while this unequal, unjust action unfolds!

Kandis: Mary, Beth, is there a problem?

Mary: Remind me, what is your name again?

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: Seriously? I’m your supervisor. It’s Kandis.

[Cut to Mary and Beth]

Beth: Well, Kandis, I think you ought to ask yourself if you’re a supervisor or a taker of advantages of people.

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kyle: I’m sorry. I’m not following.

[Cut to Mary and Beth]

Mary: Well, let me draw a map for your thoughts then. You are storming on a woman to pay for wine that she did not have.

Beth: And further most, expect her to quietly sit and roll over like a prostitute from the Amsterdam district, I think not!

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kyle: You two haven’t spoken a word all night and now you’re like, mad?

[Cut to Chris and Heidi]

Chris: Honestly, I can pay. I have a real birthday party to go to. So?

[Cut to Mary and Beth]

Mary: No one’s going anywhere. Because this situation has become un-tonable!

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kyle: Actually, I am gonna go because my babysitter leaves at eight whether I’m there or not.

[Cut to everybody. Kyle leaves.]

Beth: Well, fine! He left. But that’s the only one who leaves this table. Because the rest of you will stay and hear what you need to hear. Lock the doors!

[Cut to the waitress]

Waitress: You got it!

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: What?

[Cut to everybody]

Mary: You’re going to hear the story of this woman that you’ve all decided as too pathetic to be cheated with dignity!

Heidi: Whoa!

Beth: Because every night this woman goes home to nothing and nothing!

Mary: Empty apartment. Empty bed. Empty head. And now you predators want to empty her purse as well.

Beth: She want to Sephora on her lunch break to get eyelashes put on top of her own eyelashes.

[Heidi is getting embarrassed]

Hoping beyond all reason that maybe someone would become a true friend, she has none.

Heidi: Oh, my god!

[Heidi tries to stand but Mary and Beth push her back to the seat]

Mary: And again, might I remind you that she makes much less than everyone at this table.

Heidi: I do?

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: Yes, but they weren’t supposed to tell you that.

[Cut to Mary, Beth and Heidi]

Heidi: Okay, also, I have friends.

Mary: [interrupting] Bop-bop-bop! Kandis, don’t worry about Kandis. Why don’t you leave Kandis to me.

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: Seriously guys, I will pay the whole bill. It’s no big deal.

[Cut to Mary, Beth and Heidi]

Mary: Oh! Shall we all applaud queen Kandis? The queen of kindness and generosity?

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: I wasn’t trying to be–

[Cut to Mary, Beth and Heidi]

Beth: And I want the entire restaurant to hear this.

[Cut to everybody in the restaurant]

Everyone turn to me! This woman who you so easily throw away like trash, do you know what she did today? Do you know what she did that none of you took the time to notice but us? She has been silently releasing wind at this dinner and said nothing because she didn’t want to miss a moment or steal any of the birthday attention.

Everybody: Wow!

Mary: Yes! So next time you decide that it’s okay to take advantage of the advantage-less, remind yourself that they’re but for the grace of god go you!

Beth: And Kandis, just so you know, and so your children will know, tonight is the night the lights went out in Georgia.

[The other people are clapping] [Mary and Beth leave] [Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: So, I guess they’re not gonna pay?

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: No, they left. And they’re temps, right?

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Yeah, just for a week!

[The End]

Boop-it

Mikey Day

Tyler… Chris Redd

Jenna… Chloe Fineman

Mark… Beck Bennett

Dietra… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with black and white video of Mikey, Tyler and Jenna playing chess and getting bored.]

Female voice: Tired of the same old games? Then get ready for…

[The black and white video is now color video] [Mikey, Tyler and Jenna getting excited with boop-it on their table]

Kids: Huh! Boop-it!

Female voice: A memory building game that’s fun for the whole family. all you gotta do is…

Mikey: Boop-it. Twist-it. Honk-it. Squish-it.

Jenna: Nice!

Female voice: Made for kids of all ages.

[Mark walks in. He’s an adult.]

Mark: Can I try?

Mikey: Yeah, go for it, dad! Boop-it!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Kids: Oh! Nice try, dad!

Tyler: Maybe next time, Mr. Williams. Boop-it!

[Mark leaves it]

Female voice: Nine different actions, the possibilities are endless.

Tyler: Honk-it. Smush-it. Boop-it!

Female voice: But don’t get one wrong.

[Jenna presses the wrong button] [wrong answer buzzer]

Kids: Oh!

[Mark walks in]

Mark: Maybe next time, Jenna! Hah!

[Mark leaves again]

Female voice: See who can boop-it best, and be the boop-it boss.

[Mark walks in again]

Mark: My turn. Jenny just went. I was after her.

[Mark takes away the game]

Mikey: I think it’s Tyler’s turn, dad!

Mark: Tyler, your mom just called. She wants you to go home. She wants you home.

Tyler: She does?

Mark: Yeah, bye! See ya! There’s the door.

Jenna: Bye Tyler!

Mark: Now that I can actually concentrate, I can do it.

Female voice: Concentration’s the name of the game when you…

Mikey: Twist-it.

[Mark presses the button] [wrong answer buzzer]

Mark: Whatever! Piece of [bleep] ! I’m going in.

Female voice: The game is so fun, you won’t be able to put it down.

[Mark is playing and the kids are just watching]

Mark: It’s almost easy, but it’s so good!

Mikey: Go, dad!

Jenna: Yeah!

Mark: Get Tyler back here. He should see this.

[Cut to Dietra looking at Mark]

Dietra: Mark!

Mark: Dammit, Dietra! You messed me up!

Dietra: You were supposed to drop the kids off two hours ago.

[Mark with a whiskey on his one hand and boop-it on the other hand]

Mark: Well, I couldn’t do that, could I?

Dietra: Guys, car!

[The kids get ready to leave]

Mikey: Bye dad!

[Mikey tries to take the boop-it, but Mark doesn’t let him take it.]

Dietra: Have they eaten?

[Cut to Mark quietly sipping his whiskey]

Goodnight, Mark!

Mark: No, wait! Dietra, let’s give it one more try, baby!

Dietra: Oh, god!

Female voice: The boop-it!

[Cut to Mark playing boop-it alone. Is throws away the boop-it and starts crying.] [The End]

Robbie

Coach… Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

Riley… JJ Watt

Robby… Chris Redd

Mr. Philmore… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with coach prep-talking to the football players]

Coach: Gentlemen, this is the playoffs. Clubs in this not gonna–

[Coach realizes the players are not dressed for the game]

What the hell is going on? Why aren’t you all dressed?

Mikey: Some of us were talking coach, and we think Robbie should dress for the game.

[Robbie is sitting on the bench]

Coach: [laughing] You hit your head to hard in practice son? Robbie’s on the practice squad. This is the playoffs. Roster’s set. Now get dressed.

Mikey: This is Robbie’s dream, coach. [Robbie is looking happy] I know there’s no room in the rosters, so I want Robbie to take my spot.

[Mikey hands over his jersey to the coach] [Alex walks up to Coach]

Alex: Robbie can have my spot too, coach.

[Alex hands over his jersey to the coach too]

Coach: This is what you want?

Alex: Yes, sir.

[Kyle hands over his jersey to the coach too]

Kyle: Robbie deserves it, coach.

Coach: And what about you, Riley?

[Riley stands up]

You want Robbie to take your spot?

Riley: [bleep] No! He [bleep] sucks at football. [Robbie is embarrassed] You guys want Robbie to play in a playoff game? That is crazy! We’re gonna [bleep] lose! He sucks ass! Have you seen him in practice?

[Cut to Robbie sucking at the practice games] [Cut back to the locker room]

He is dog [shit]. I mean, [looking at Robbie] I’m sorry, Robbie, but you’re dog [bleep]. He’s dog [blee].

Mikey: Robbie’s got heart, Riley! [Robbie is looking happy again] It’s gotta count for something.

Riley: He’s [bleep] his pants in practice last week, Stevens. [Robbie is embarrassed] Again! I didn’t even want run at him and hit him this time. All I did was walk over to him and he crumpled into a little ball, he said, “No, no! Not again! It’s coming out. It’s coming.” I mean.

[Robbie had enough]

Robby: You know what? Maybe you don’t believe in Riley.

Riley: I definitely don’t.

Robby: Okay! But, a friend told me something that made me believe in myself. Right, Mr. Philmore?

[Mr. Philmore is a janitor. He is shaking his head.] [Cut to Robby and Mr. Philmore in the past. Robby threw his helmet.]

Mr. Philmore: Yo! What? You mad you didn’t make the team? Huh? Well, listen here. You’re five foot nothing. A hundred and nothing. But damn, if you don’t got passion.

[Cut back to the locker room]

Robby: And he gave me the strength to keep going.

Mr. Philmore: Hold on, coz after that I said.

[Cut to Robby and Mr. Philmore in the past]

Mr. Philmore: Unfortunately, passion don’t mean nothing in this level. This is D-1, son and you’re just too tiny. You’re gonna get your ass stocked. Pan-caked, son!

[Cut back to the locker room]

Robby: Right! But you believed. And that’s what’s important.

Mr. Philmore: No, I’ma stop you right there. I said one more thing and it was…

[Cut to Robby and Mr. Philmore in the past]

Mr. Philmore: And who keep letting you in my office? Stop coming back here, man! It’s weird. We ain’t friends.

[Cut back to the locker room]

Mr. Philmore: That’s how that all went down.

Robby: Enough! Okay? Look, coach, you played here. Someone gave you a shot. That’s all I’m asking for. It’s a shot.

Riley: This is so [bleep] dumb! He doesn’t even know the plays, coach!

Robby: I know the playbook front to back. You call any play, I can run any route right now.

Coach: Alright, Robbie, if you get pass Riley, you can dress for the game.

Mikey: Go, Robbie!

[Robbie is happy and Riley can’t believe this.] [Robby and Riley get ready]

Coach: Alright Robbie, let’s see what you got. Red 7, hud 7.

Robby: Different play, don’t know that one.

Coach: White right on 1!

Robby: Different play.

Coach: Jesus, Robbie. Blue 19 on 3.

Robby: Different play.

Coach: Slat 6 on 2.

Robby: Nope!

Mikey: I’m just gonna take my jersey back.

Coach: Red Devil, on 3.

Robby: Skip!

Coach: Robbie, Angel 6 on 2.

Robby: Got it! What was it though?

Coach: Robbie, Angel 6 on 2.

Robby: I got it, coach!

Coach: Hub, hub.

[Robby runs to Riley. Riley pushes Robby lightly and Robby gets slammed the lockers.]

Mr. Philmore: Dumb ass!

[Riley walks to Robby]

Riley: He’s alright. But I think he might have done another- you know. In his pants.

Robby: I almost did, but hailed it in.

Riley: No, he didn’t.

Coach: Well, that’s it. We got a football game to win, gentlemen!

[all the players cheer and follow the coach]

Black Jeopardy Velvet Jones

Darnel Haze… Kenan Thompson

Rashad… Chris Redd

Kiannah… Ego Nwodim

Mr. Velvet Jones… Eddie Murphy

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Announcer: This is Black Jeopardy!

[Cut to the game show] [cheers and applause]

Darnel Haze: Alright, what up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy. The only jeopardy that started some time between 8 and 9 o’clock. I’m your host Darnel Haze. Our contestants today are Rashad.

[Cut to Rashad] Rashad: What’s cracking?

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Kiannah!

[Cut to Kiannah]

Kiannah: Hey!

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: And Mr. Velvet Jones.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Hi, I’m Velvet Jones.

[cheers and applause]

Darnel Haze: It says here you’re the founder of the Velvet Jones School of Technology.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: That’s right. I show ladies how to start their own business making up to $Darnel Haze,500 a week with my number one best seller, [Mr. Velvet Jones takes a book out] I want to be a ho.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Okay. Mr. Jones, this is not an infomercial and it is a little early to be talking that spicy. But, let’s take a look at our categories.

We got [Cut to the game screen] “My last nerve”, “Go on ahead then”, “I ain’t wanna say nothing but”, “I’m on break”, “What you not gonna do”, and there is always “White people.”

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Alright, Rashad, you’re our returning champ. You pick.

[Cut to Rashad]

Rashad: Let’s go with “What you’re not going to do” for Rashad00.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnel Haze: Your white friend wants to give you an elf on the shelf.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Rashad]

Darnel Haze: Rashad.

[Cut to Rashad]

Rashad: What it is, what you not gonna do is put a holiday snitch in my house.

Darnel Haze: That’s it. The only thing I want watching me is Jesus. All right. Rashad, it’s your pick.

[Cut to Rashad]

Rashad: Let’s stick with “What you’re not going to do.”

Darnel Haze: Alright, the answer there.

[Cut to the game screen] They say your neighbor paid $Kiannah00 for pole dancing classes.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Velvet Jones]

Darnel Haze: Oh, Velvet Jones.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: What a shame. Why spend good money on classes when you can do it for half the price in my basement? It’s all in my new book entitled, “How the Dance like a ho.”

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Well, good try, Mr. Jones. On this show we say women. You understand that, right?

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Yes. Mmm, women.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Alright, well, then it’s your turn.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Let’s go to I ain’t wanna do say nothing.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnel Haze: Okay. Oh, we got a time and a half question. [Cut to Darnel Haze] This one is worth time and a half. All right. Here’s the picture.

[Cut to a picture of Grinch running in a coat]

It’s just elf running around acting like a cat nap.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Kiannah]

Darnel Haze: Kiannah.

[Cut to Kiannah]

Kiannah: What is, I ain’t wanna say nothing but movies can stay white.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Yeah, that’s right. Diversity should happen.

[Cut to the contestants]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Ha-ha. That man looks ridiculous. How is he supposed to wear — where is his three piece suit and his tiny gold chain and hi long hair? How will he ever attract good ho?

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Mr. Jones, folks on the internet are going to be upset if you keep talking like that. All right, Kiannah. It’s your pick. Let’s go to my last nerve for Rashad00.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnel Haze: All right, the answer. Your girlfriend says she gotta work overtime because the holidays.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Velvet Jones]

Darnel Haze: Velvet Jones.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: What a wonderful opportunity for this young lady to go into business for herself. Personally, I think there’s nothing more sexy than a woman who makes her own money. And she can learn to do that with my new book entitled —

[cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Please don’t say, “Be a ho.”

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: I was not. This is called, “Ass for cash.” It is well known fact that shaking your greezy ass in front of strangers can net you up to $Darnel Haze,500 a week. It’s as simple as that.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Velvet, you know about “me too,”right?

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Of course. You like hos? Me, too.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Let’s just hear about today’s prizes. Johnny!

[Cut to show screen]

Announcer: Thanks, Darnel. Today’s black jeopardy winner will receive crab legs. It wouldn’t be mother’s day without crab legs. And by he funny pet adoption central. “Don’t go you near that dog. He funny.” And from the family of products put some water in them. Everything from spaghetti sauce to hand soap. Want more? Put some water in it. Back to you Darnel.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Yeah, put that water in it. All right. Mr. Jones. The board is still yours.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Let’s try, “What you not gonna do” for 600.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnel Haze: All right. Your niece shows up for Christmas dinner in a cut off top.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Velvet Jones]

Darnel Haze: Alright, Velvet Jones, and be careful.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: It’s okay. I understand. What you not gonna do is judge this woman. It’s Rashad0Darnel Haze9 and she has every right to be sexy and to show off her beauty. She is independent and she can make her own money. She doesn’t need to have sex with anyone.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Well! That’s very nice. Welcome to the modern era, Mr. Jones.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Yeah. And it’s all in my new book entitled, “How to be an Instagram ho.”  And make  $500 a week from the comfort of your own bedroom being a strong independent Instagram ho.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: I got to say, you got a point, Mr. jones.

[music playing]

♪ always and forever ♪ >>

Darnel Haze: Well, the sound of the last dance at a black prom means that we are out of time. Let’s take a break and delete Mr. Velvet’s twitter account. But we’ll see ya’ll in a minute.

Home for the Holidays

Daniel… Eddie Murphy

Brian… Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Donna… Maya Rudolph

Ego Nwodim

Matthew… Mikey Day

[Starts with a family having Christmas dinner]

Daniel: Before we eat, I want to say a few words.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Make it quick, dad. I’m starving.

[other family members laughing] [Cut to Daniel]

Daniel: I will, I will. I just want to thank everyone for being here. And not just the immediate family. I’m talking about all the cousins and their kids and everybody.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: That’s how it should be.

Daniel: That’s right, pop. [cut to Daniel] I know everybody is busy with their lives. Their own things they have to do but it means so much that you’re here with us in our home for the holidays.

[Cut to Donna]

Donna: That goes for both of us.

[Cut to Daniel and Donna late at night arguing in their room]

Daniel: [yelling] How come your damn sister couldn’t host?

Donna: My sister’s house is a dump, Daniel.

Daniel: You know? I got to pay for all this damn food? Hell no!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: As I have always said, this house is happier when it’s full.

[Cut to Daniel knocking the door at night]

Daniel: [yelling] Get out of the bathroom!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Grandpa: Son, you and Donna have been such gracious hosts. [Cut to Brian and Grandpa] I just hope I haven’t been a nuisance.

[Cut to Grandpa coughing at night]

Grandpa: [coughing loudly] It’s so damn dry!

[Cut to Daniel and Donna not being able to sleep because of noise Grandpa is making] [Cut back to the family dinner.]

Donna: What are you talking about? We love having you here.

[Cut to Grandpa coughing at night] [Cut back to the family dinner.]

Daniel: And of course, this is our first Christmas with our soon to be son-in-law Matthew.

[Cut to Matthew and Ego holding hands]

When you two got engaged, [Cut to Daniel] all of us were just smiling from ear to ear.

[Cut to Ego arguing with Daniel and Donna]

Ego: Why cannot I marry him? Because he’s white?

Daniel: [yelling] Yes!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Donna: Welcome to the family, Matthew.

[Cut to Ego arguing with Daniel and Donna]

Ego: You guys are being so racist.

Donna: Damn right we are. No offense Matthew.

[Cut to Matthew just sitting there]

Matthew: None taken.

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Donna:  I’m just embarrassed we have to put you two on the air mattress.

[Cut to Ego]

Ego: Mom, for the last time, it’s fine.

[Cut to Ego and Matthew]

Matthew: Yeah! It’s actually super comfortable.

[Cut to Ego and Matthew not able to sleep because of uncomfortable bed]

Matthew: [yelling] This sucks!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: And then there is Brian. [Cut to Brian] Back from college. It sure is great to have my boy back home for a few weeks.

Brian: It feels good to be home, dad.

[Cut to Daniel and Brian watching TV. Daniel is using the remote.]

Daniel: I am pushing it.

Brian: That’s channel dad! Not source.

Daniel: But channel is the source.

Brian: No, no. I showed you just yesterday!

Daniel: Just get your useless black ass out of here. I know how to do it. Just go.

[Brian leaves]

Stupid ass! Son, come back in here.

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Grandpa: Well, I just want to say as you get older, it all goes that much quicker. We should all cherish this time we all spend together as a family this Christmas. I know I will.

[Cut to Grandpa sleeping on a couch] [Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Thank you, pop! I could go on. But I know better than to let a meal my wife spent so much time cooking go cold.

[Cut to Donna]

Donna: Oh, stop. I just threw it together.

[Cut to Donna panicking at the kitchen]

Donna: No, no, no! [beep] [Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Anyway, thank you all for being here. And I really mean that.

Narrating: I know it might be a little crowded —

[Cut to children screaming in front of Daniel]

Daniel: This room is off limits. Get off me!

Narrating: And we might even get on each other’s nerves a little bit.

[Cut to Brian and Donna in the kitchen]

Brian: Hey, ma! Do you have any–

Donna: [yelling] No! Whatever it is, no!

Narrating: This is going to make the memories last a lifetime.

[Cut to Ego walking in toilet. Grandpa is already there.]

Grandpa: Um, occupied!

Ego: Grandpa! Lock the door!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Christmas is about family. And I am blessed to spend it with mine. Cheers!

Everybody: Cheers!

Brian: That was beautiful, dad.

Grandpa: Well said, son.

Matthew: That was great, dad.

Masked Singer

Nick Cannon… Chris Redd

Robin Thicke… Beck Bennett

Jenny McCarthy… Kate McKinnon

Ken Jeong… Bowen Yang

Nicole Scherzinger… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with The Masked Singer intro] [Cut to the host]

Nick Cannon: Happy holidays. Welcome to this special Christmas edition of the masked singer. I’m Nick Cannon, and if anyone knows how to beat Eminem in a feud, please let me know. We’re doing as always for our panelists.

[Cut to the judges]

Robin Thicke, Jenny McCarthy, Ken Jeong and Nicole Scherzinger.

[The panelist are all talking at the same time.

[Cut to Nick Cannon]

Nick Cannon:  Thank you, judges. Now we have a real special Christmas surprise for you all and a brand new contestant. Without further due, please help me welcome our new mystery man. Corn on the cob.

[cheers and applause] [music playing] [a singer comes in dressed as a corn.] [the corn singing with lisp]

Nick Cannon: Panelist! Any guesses who could be behind the mask? Robin?

[Cut to Robin Thicke]

Robin Thicke: I’m going out on a limb and say that’s Buck Wheat.

[Cut to the judges]

Jenny McCarthy: That’s definitely Buck Wheat.

[Cut to the singer dressed as a corn and Nick Cannon]

Nick Cannon: Let’s see if they’re right. Corn on the cob, he with all want to know. Who are you?

Audience: Take it off! Take it off!

[The singer takes off his corn dress]

Buck Wheat: Hi! I’m Buck Wheat. Remember me?

[Cut to Jenny McCarthy]

Jenny McCarthy: Oh, my god! I’m freaking out Buck Wheat, you are my idol!

[Cut to Buck Wheat and Jenny McCarthy]

Buck Wheat: Thank you very much.
Nick Cannon: Now, Buck Wheat, I heard you have more songs for us.

Buck Wheat: Yeah! I sure do. Take a listen.

[music playing] [Buck Wheat singing with lisp] [music stops] [cheers and applause]

Ken Jeong: Buck wheat, as a doctor, I’m comfortable diagnosing you as Nick Cannon00% juicy.

[Cut to Buck Wheat]

Buck Wheat: Oh, I like being oosy.

[Cut to Robin Thicke]

Robin Thicke: Now what’s next for the great Buck Wheat?

[Cut to Buck Wheat]

Buck Wheat: Well, I suppose it’s time for me to go make a deny.

[Cut to Nicole Scherzinger]

Nicole Scherzinger: Buck Wheat, wait. We just want you to know we’ve missed you the past Jenny McCarthy0 years. We love you and it’s good to have you back.

[Cut to Buck Wheat]

Buck Wheat: Thank you very much. Don’t worry about Buck Wheat. Just remember, wherever I am, I am doing Otay. [singing “Single Ladies” by Beyonge] O tinga Nedy O tinga Nedy