Tag: Chris Redd

ESPNs First Take NBA

Molly Coram… Chloe

Stephen A. Smith… Chris Redd

Kendrick Perkins…. Kenan Thompson

Michael Rapaport… Natasha Lyonne

[Starts with four people on First Take set]

Molly: Welcome to first take ESPN home for the hottest sports takes. I’m Molly Coram here with the outspoken Stephen A. Smith

Stephen: Molly, I mean this from the bottom of my heart, this right here, this is a good morning.

Molly: And former Boston Celtics big man, Kendrick Perkins.

Kendrick: Steve a day, I’m sorry brother but you wrong on this one. This is actually a great morning, okay? Historically, it goes this morning right here, and then the morning when Jesus came back, and then where we at right here is three. All right, let’s carry the hell on.

Molly: Glad we got that sorted. And also joining us is New York super fan and occasional guest, the always outspoken Michael Rapaport.

Michael: Yo, yo, yo, what up, my leagues? I make this quick because I got a long day ahead of me walking around my neighborhood, waving my arms like a frickin idiot and yelling in my phone. But listen, you guys are wrong, okay? God, you’re so frickin wrong, alright? Because it’s a frickin spectacular day. Don’t rangers are in the playoffs. The Yankees are in first place. And the Jets are undefeated because the season hasn’t started.

Kendrick: Oh, there’s a diss. You’re dissing now.

Molly: Guys, let’s remember, it’s 10 AM. Our audience of unemployed dads is just waking up. Okay? Four teams are left in the NBA playoffs and everyone is talking about Dallas vs. Golden State Luca Doncic. vs. Steph Curry. So who you got Doncic or Curry?

Stephen: Molly. I’ve thought about this question very deeply. I’ve consulted with my family, my friends and my doctor. And today, I must declare that I got Steph Curry because he’s the greatest shooter of all time. And he can, and Molly, I’ve personally seen him do this, shoot a ball from San Francisco into the first class seat on an airplane, and stay with me, six hours later the ball switches into a basket at Madison Square Garden.

Kendrick: Stephen, with all due respect, Steph Curry is the worst player to ever play the game of basketball. I made sure he scored 30 last game but my man Luca got a 40 piece, and then he pulled down eight biscuits and threw in some extra sauces. Okay, your man Steph is too short. The boy needs a ladder to comb his own hair.

Molly: Michael, you’re the tiebreaker. Steph or Luca?

Michael: Yo man. I’m not even watching the playoffs.

Molly: I thought you were a huge fan of basketball.

Michael: Yo, you’re freaking wrong about that. Look, I’m a fan of Knicks. And it’s not basketball. It is players playing in layups off the bottom of the frickin rim. It’s fans catching foul basketballs. It’s leaving the game 20 minutes early and twice as frickin angry. That’s the real NBA you frickin worms.

Kendrick: Come on. That ain’t real NBA.

Molly: Guys, guys, please calm down. We just got a noise complaint from the church across the street. Alright, let’s get back on track. Dallas is number two in the league scoring defense which brings us to our next big sports question, is a hot dog a sandwich?

Stephen: Molly, this is the toughest decision I’ve ever had to make and my grandmother spent four months on a ventilator. That’s why we don’t attend city listening tour in Wienermobile. And today I can say without a doubt that a hot dog is a sandwich for that one forever, Amen.

Kendrick: No, no no. Steven A, somebody that go oops upside your head. A hot dog is a sandwich in the same way cereal is a soup.

Stephen: Oh, cereal is a soup. Cereal is a soup.

Kendrick: It’s not even close. Come on, now. Soup is only a soup because you got to cook it.

Michael: Oh, is that right? Oh, you got to cook soup, huh? Well, I got one boy that’s gonna knock the beard right off your frickin smug face. Because Gazpacho, oh! Oh, I guess somebody forgot the friggin cuisine of Spain, and that’s sports.

Kendrick: Hold on. Gazpacho ain’t no soup. That’s just a salsa that went to finish school. Let’s go.

Molly: Okay, guys, let’s take a break so our airport bar viewers can order another morning beer. When we come back, we’ll ask the sports question on everybody’s mind, does Bigfoot exist?

Kendrick: Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. That stinky little freak walked into my house one time, and then I shave him down. And we went to the club.

Stephen: Oh come on.

Michael: Ay, invite me next time, alright?

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard Trial Cold Open

Nicole Wallace… Kate McKinnon

Camille Vasquez… Aidy Bryant

Johnny Depp… Kyle Mooney

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft… Heidi Gardner

Leonard Green… Kenan Thompson

Tasha… Ego Nwodem

Sophia… Melissa Villaseñor

Jamal… Chris Redd

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: This is an MSNBC News Special Report.

[Cut to Nicole Wallace in her set]

Nicole Wallace: Good evening. I’m Nicole Wallace. And you’re watching MSNBC news because you have nowhere else to place your anger. Tonight, political fallout from the recent January 6 subpoenas, updates on the Russian helicopter taken down by Ukraine, plus a nationwide shortage of baby formula. But we start of course, with the Johnny Depp – Amber Heard cuckoo trial. Look, I know it’s not the most pertinent story of the moment. But with all the problems in the world, isn’t it nice to have a news story we can all collectively watch and say, “Oh, glad it ain’t me.” I thought so. We take you now to live coverage.

Camille Vasquez: Mr. Depp earlier in this trial, you mentioned that Miss Heard left fecal matter in your bed.

Johnny Depp: That is correct. Yes.

Camille Vasquez: And how did that make you feel?

Johnny Depp: I felt very, very sad.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection. Your Honor, we’ve been through this. There’s no actual proof that this ever happened.

Judge: Sustained. Where are you going with this, counselor?

Camille Vasquez: Your Honor, we’ve recently found surveillance footage of the house staff discovering the alleged fecal matter on Mr. Depp’s bed.

Judge: Oh, word?

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection, that still wouldn’t prove my client is guilty of anything.

Judge: That’s true, but I’ll allow it because it does sound fun. And this trial is for fun.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: What?

Camille Vasquez: Thank you, your Honor. Mr. Depp. Can you tell us who that is?

[a video is being played on a TV. Leonard Green is inside Johnny Depp’s room]

Johnny Depp: Well, that’s my property manager Leonard Green. I guess he’s doing a routine check around the house.

[Cut to the video]

Leonard Green: [on the phone] Yeah, man. You know, she cut that joker’s finger off, right? If I’m lying, I”m flying. Hold on a second. [smells around] Damn! Smell like booboo in here. It’s coming from this bed. [looks under the blanket.] Oh, hell no! That’s a booboo.

Camille Vasquez: And there you have it. They found the dookie.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection, your Honor. That is pure speculation.

Judge: Overruled. I’d like to see more of this video.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Why?

Judge: Cuz it’s funny. Please continue.

[Cut to the video]

Leonard Green: Ay, Tasha! God damn, I hate this job.

[Tasha walks in]

Tasha: Why you yelling my name like you crazy?

Leonard Green: Look at this.

Tasha: Eww! Hell, no. Why didn’t you just go in the toilet?

Leonard Green: I didn’t do this.

Tasha: Well, who did it then?

Leonard Green: I don’t know. Maybe the dog?

Tasha: No, no, no. That mess ain’t come out of no dog. That came out of a dehydrated adult.

Leonard Green: Maybe the wife did it?

Tasha: Now, why would she booboo in her own bed?

Leonard Green: Well, remember, she already cut the boy’s finger off. And my dad always told me, if a girl cut your finger she will booboo in your bed.

Tasha: Now, why are you taking a picture of it?

Leonard Green: Cuz, it looked just like the emoji.

Tasha: Man, what is wrong with white people?

Leonard Green: I don’t know, but you need to clean this up before Mr. Johnny get back.

Tasha: Oh, no, that ain’t my damn job. I am a landscaper.

Leonard Green: Well, this fertilizer?

Tasha: Um-umm. Sophia!

Leonard Green: Sophia!

[cut back to the court]

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection your honor. How much of this video do we have to watch?

Judge: We don’t have to watch any of it. But we want to. So hush. Now, who’s this Sophia person?

Johnny Depp: Oh, she’s my cleaning lady.

Judge: Mr. Depp, are you finding this trial amusing?

Johnny Depp: A little. Yes.

Judge: So am I. You’re bad, Captain Jack.

[cut to the video. Sophia walks in.]

Sophia: Hola. Como estas.

[Leonard Green shows Sophia under the blanket.]

[speaking Spanish]

Tasha: Um-hmm, yeah.

Leonard Green: It’s booboo, Sophia.

Sophia: Exactamente. Como li- mochi.

Leonard Green: See? I told you.

Tasha: Sophia, you got to clean this up, okay?

Sophia: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Leonard Green: Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

[Jamal walks in the room]

Jamal: Man, y’all seen somebody do a dangling on the walls with blood. I hate this damn job so much. Wait, what’s that smell? [Leonard Green shows Jamal under the blanket.] Oh, ha-ha-ha. So you really did it, man. You finally quitting?

Leonard Green: I didn’t do this. It was the wife.

Sophia: And you got to clean it up, Jamal.

Jamal: Oh, hell no. I just do the laundry.

Sophia: Yeah, and that’s laundry, bro.

Jamal: Damn, I hate this job.

[cut back to the court]

Judge: Okay, I think I’ve seen enough. This trial has given me a lot to consider. On one hand, I believe Mr. Depp’s story. But on the other hand, your constant little smirk let’s me know that this is not the first woman you’ve made so mad that she pooped in your bed.

Johnny Depp: I guess I have been known to be a full nightmare.

Judge: Yeah, right. Okay, either way, I’m just so glad this ain’t me. And…

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Intuition

Selena Gomez

Chris Redd

[Starts with Selena and Chris watching movie. They’re alone. Chris is using his phone and Selena notices it.]

Chris: I need a paper towel. [goes to the kitchen] Damn, we all out. I’ma go down to the bodega and get some real quick.

Selena: Right now?

Chris: Yeah, it’s right downstairs. I’ll be right back.

[Chris looks at the mirror and checks himself out before leaving. Selena notices this.]

Devil intuition: Don’t trust him?

Selena: Who said that?

[a devil appears on her left shoulder]

Devil intuition: You did? I’m your tuition.

Selena: No he’s not. [brushes the devil off her shoulder]

Devil intuition: He usually wipes his hands on his pants and now he needs bounty?

Selena: Okay, so where is he?

Devil intuition: [rapping] He by that bitch house

Selena: What?

Devil intuition: By that bitch house

Selena: What does that mean?

Devil intuition: He by that bitch house
That mean your man is creeping

Selena: Oh no.

Devil intuition: He by that bitch house

Selena: Okay, so what am I supposed to do?

Devil intuition: You hack into his Instagram account
to see if he telling the truth?

Selena: How?

Devil intuition: Like this, first you check all of his messages,
comments and DMS, all before he deletes
Once you read all that successfully
track his location, bitch hurry, I say it respectfully
This is the ‘Catch His ass’ recipe

Selena: Okay, so what do you want from me?

Devil intuition: Break is Xbox.

Selena: Okay.

[Selena pulls out his Xbox and throws it out the window. Chris walks in]

Chris: Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing? That’s my Xbox.

Selena: I don’t know. I felt like you were cheating or something. I’m sorry.

Chris: Baby, what? Okay, you know what? I’m gonna go out and get my Xbox out in the damn street and we’re going to talk about this. It’s damn paper towels.

[Chris walks out]

Devil intuition: You really think he gonna get a broken next Xbox?

Selena: Go away.

Devil intuition: [rapping] He by that bitch house

Selena: He’s not.

Devil intuition: By that bitch house

Selena: I can see him.

Devil intuition: He by that bitch house

Selena: So what the hell am I supposed to do?

Devil intuition: We need to check all his pocket
and look in his wallet, see if he got numbers for hoes

Selena: Then I look up in the closet
find lipstick on collars and smell for perfumes out his clothes

Smells normal

Devil intuition: Then break his TV.

Selena: Okay.

[Selena kicks the TV and breaks it. Chris walks in.]

Chris: Come on, this can happen every time I leave the damn house.

Selena: I’m sorry. It’s just I’ve dated so many basketball players and celebrities.

Chris: I’m sorry, what now?

Selena: But you’re just not like them. You’re my little Johnny.

Chris: Okay, we’re gonna talk about that nickname.

Selena: Okay, you know what? I’m gonna cool down and meet me in the bedroom.

Chris: [smiling] Okay.

[Selena walks into the room. Her phone starts getting many messages.]

[A devil appears on his left shoulder]

Devil intuition: [rapping] Dude, I think she thinks you cheating
Chris: Who that?

Devil intuition: And then she do that means
that she the one who out there creeping

Chris: Wait, what?

Devil intuition: She probably getting dude nudes

Chris: Nah!

Devil intuition: Getting dude nudes

Chris: For real?

Devil intuition: Getting dude nudes
and all their thingies are bigger than your’s

You gotta handle this carefully,
break in the phone and then check all her history

Chris: Teach me.

Devil intuition: Here’s how you unlock it it quickly
fits type birthday and then social security number
if that don’t work then unlock it by facing
the phone to her face while she’s sleeping 

Chris: Dude, what are you talking about, man? Who would even be texting her?

Devil intuition: I don’t know. LeBron James?

Chris: No! [he kicks the table and breaks it]

Selena: The hell?

Chris: Who you texting this late? Is it LeBron?

Selena: [yelling] It’s my mother.

Chris: [yelling] Well, I didn’t know that. But now I’m too mad, it’s too late to be rational.

Selena: Well, so am I.

Chris: Alright, so what the hell are we gonna do?

[Both devils appear on each of their shoulders]

Devil intuition: Have angry sex
have angry sex
have angry sex

Baby Monitor

Gina… Selena Gomez

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a group of friends gathering]

Chris: Dude, your house is sick.

Ego: And you’re sure your parents are gone for the night?

Gina: Oh, totally. It’s their anniversary. So they’ll be fighting in a nice restaurant for the next six hours.

Kyle: That’s so cool.

Chloe: I can’t believe they trust you to be home alone.

Gina: Well, somebody had to watch the twins.

Ego: Wait, the twins?

Gina: Yeah, my baby brother, baby sister. Look, they’re on the baby monitor.

[Cut to video of her brother and sister sleeping. They look too small.]

Chloe: Aww, they’re so sweet.

Ego: I guess I didn’t realize for babysitting.

Chris: Yeah, I thought we were gonna rage tonight.

Gina: No, we could still totally party all night long. On that note, who wants to drink my dad’s beer?

Kyle: Me.

[babies start crying]

Chris: I think babies are up.

Gina: Don’t worry, she’ll bo back to sleep.

Chris: I think she actually just woke up her brother.

[babies crying loudly]

Damg, their eyes are freaky.

Ego: Yeah, looks like when you catch raccoons.

Gina: Guys, come on, let’s focus. Let’s get this party started.

Kyle: Sounds like they’re still crying though.

Chloe: Shouldn’t you go in there and like, comfort them or something?

Gina: How? You’re supposed to like, let themselves sooth.

[babies crying loudly]

Ego: That doesn’t sound like self soothing.

Gina: They’ll be asleep in two seconds. I promise.

Chris: Yeah, I don’t think so. Now they’re doing laps around the crib.

Gina: Oh, that’s good. That will tucker them out.

Chloe: I’m not so sure.

Ego: Yeah, I don’t know how to say this. But it looks like they’re stunting a buck wild.

[the babies are doing backflips]

Gina: I gave them one M&M each before bed,  so they’re loaded with sugar right now.

Ego: Wait, are you allowed to give babies chocolate?

Gina: Yeah, Megan, they’re not dogs. They’re babies. Guys, I thought you wanted a party?

Kyle: We did. But this is definitely more interesting.

Chris: Yeah, looks like they’re fighting.

Gina: Oh, they’re just roughhousing? It’s what siblings do.

Ego: Wait, actually I have a baby brother and sister and I’ve never seen them do that.

[They’re fighting wildly]

Chloe: Oh my god. Do something before her head flies off.

Gina: Oh. Fine. I’ll go give them a piece of bread or something.

Ego: Wait, are babies supposed to eat full pieces of bread?

Chris: I don’t think so. But the babies definitely seem to like it.

Gina: All right, now who wants to focus on getting wasted?

Kyle: Honestly, I don’t want to get drunk anymore. I just want to sit here and watch these babies go hard.

Chris: Wait, what the hell?

[Now there are three babies]

Third baby: Hey, ma.We gotta need bread. Milk! [laughing]This bread is dry.

Ego: Who is that?

Gina: I don’t know. Sometimes he’s there and sometimes he’s not.

Chris: That’s not concerning to you?

Gina: No. Now, who wants to chug hand sanitizer and try out my dad’s underwear?

Kyle: None of us.

Chloe: Gina, Why are you acting so crazy?

Ego: Gina, why are you trying to party so hard? These babies need you.

Gina: Look, guys. This might come as a complete shock to you but I’m not a huge party girl. I’ve never even had a sip of alcohol.

Kyle: Yeah, obviously.

Chris: Wait, what? What are you looking at?

[the babies are looking at the baby monitor and laughing]

Chloe: Is that a baby monitor?

[Ego finds a camera turned at them]

Ego: Oh my god. They’re watching us.

Roe v Wade Cold Open

Andrew Dismukes

Benedict Cumberbatch

James Austin Johnson

Margaret… Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: In the draft of his majority opinion overturning Roe v. Wade, Justice Samuel Alito explains that no woman has a right to an abortion, and that, in fact, abortion is a crime. To prove it, he cites a treatise from 13th century England, about the quickening of the fetus, and a Second Treatise that says, if the quick child dies in her body, it would be a great misprision. We go now to that profound moment of moral clarity almost 1000 years ago, which later to clear foundation for what our law should be in 2022.

[Cut to three people in a room. It’s about a thousand years back.]

Andrew: Whatever is the matter. You’re looking flossed in thought.

Ben: It’s nothing. It’s just, while I was cleaning the hole on the side of the castle where we poop and then it falls through the sky into a moat full of human feces, I started to think about abortion.

Andrew: Really, what about it?

Ben: Well, don’t you think we ought to make a law against it?

James: You mean, like the law we have against pointy shoes? Or the law that if you hunt deer in the royal forest, they cut off your genitals?

Ben: Exactly. Something fair and reasonable like those laws. We should make a law that would stand the test of time so that hundreds and hundreds of years from now, they’ll look back and say, “No need to update this one at all. They nailed it back in 1235.”

James: I don’t know. Maybe we shouldn’t ban abortion in all of England. We could decide it on a fiefdom by fiefdom basis.

Ben: Good idea. That way, if your concubine needs one, you could just send her off to get it in good old, old York City.

Andrew: But if we outlaw abortion, how would we punish the mother? Because she’ll need to be punished. She’ll be so happy about a crime.

Ben: We could always put her in a boat and let her sail off the cliff at the edge of the world. She would of course, tumbled down with the four giant turtles the holding up the earth, and maybe one of them would eat her.

Andrew: Yeah, kind of played out there.

James: I know. What if we get a donkey drunk and we dress it up in her husband’s clothes. Then the next morning? She’s like, “Did I just have sex with a donkey?” And the whole town’s waiting outside like, “Ah, you’re burnt.”

Ben: Maybe, maybe. But what if the donkey get her pregnant and then we’d legally have to protect the fetus. And if the half donkey chili is a man that could become king.

Andrew and James: Ah! The prophecy.

Ben: But let’s be careful. The worst thing that could happen if someone leaks this conversation to the town crier?

Margaret: Knock, knock. Just kidding. We don’t have doors. Anyway, I was outside watching the sheriff throw left handed children into the river. And I couldn’t help but overhear you talking about a new law?

Andrew: Oh-oh. Woman hear ideas and it make her think, “Why I no have those?”

Margaret: Yeah, something like that. So I have a couple of questions.

Ben: Careful Margaret. Don’t make us make another hole in your skull so your brain can breathe.

Margaret: Right. I was just wondering since I’m almost at the childbearing age of 12, shouldn’t women have the right to choose since having a baby means like a 50% chance of dying?

Ben: Yes, but that’s why we’re also offering maternity leaves. When you’re done with 20 years of continuous maternity, you can leave.

Andrew: Shouldn’t we at least make exceptions in cases of rape or incest?

James: But those are the only kinds of sex.

Margaret: You know, I guess I just don’t understand why you’re so obsessed with this issue? Like what about the fact that no one can read or write? Everyone’s dying to plague?

Andrew: Oh, you think just because I have active plague, that means I need to wear a mask? It’s my body, my choice.

Ben: Well, it’s clear to me that we’ve reached the limits of human knowledge. We found the haircut. We know the sun is the moon when it’s happy. We trust the Catholic Church with all our money and our children.

James: Plus we have birth control now. You can’t get pregnant as long as when the man ejaculates, he whispers, “Just kidding.” Well, there’s always plan B, letting 1000 bees sting you.

Ben: Now, let’s all vote. Men, who think we should outlaw abortion forever? Say I.

Andrew and James: I.

Ben: And who’s opposed?

Chris: Me! I’m just playing. I know I can’t vote but, you know, more is gonna be more. You ever get the feeling that this is not gonna be your century?

Kate: Enough!

Ben: My god! An ogre!

Kate: No, no, just a woman in her 30s. But I did eat a weird mushroom in a pile of cow dung, so I can see the future. And worry not dear girl. These barbaric laws will someday be overturned by something called progress. And then after about 50 years after the progress, they’ll be like, “Maybe we should undo the progress.” I don’t know why my visions from that time are very confusing. Seems like all the power comes from a place called Florida. And if you think our customs are weird, you should watch the trial of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. Listen, I know it doesn’t sound great, but I guess no matter how many choices they take away from women, we have always had the choice to keep fighting. [cheers and applause]

Ben: That’s really inspiring. And after hearing your perspective, I suddenly realize you’re a witch and we’re gonna set you on fire.

Kate: Alright, wouldn’t be the first time.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night

Why’d You Like It

Denny Donigan… Kenan Thompson

Beth.. Chloe Fineman

Kenny… Chris Redd

Brad… Jake Gyllenhaal

[Starts with game show intro]

Male voice: It’s the game show you love to like, it’s “Why’d you like it?” With your host, Denny Donigan.

Denny Donigan: Alright. Welcome to “Why’d you like it?” The game show where we ask contestants “Why do you like it?” I’m your Denny Donigan. Tonight’s contestants are Beth.

Beth: Hi. Can’t wait to play.

Denny Donigan: Kenny.

Kenny: What’s up, y’all? Let’s do this.

Denny Donigan: And Brad.

Brad: Excited to be here, Denny. I’m still not totally sure what the show is, but looking forward to finding out.

Denny Donigan: Well, the game is easy. We show you a picture that you liked on Instagram and ask you the simple question – Why do you like it? So Brad, why don’t we start with you?

Brad: Oh, okay.

Denny Donigan: On March 19, you liked this photo. [A picture of a woman holding a dog appears on the screen.] So the question is, why do you like it?

Brad: She’s my friend. [wrong answer buzzer] I like her dog. [wrong answer buzzer] I thought she was attractive. [wrong answer buzzer]

Denny Donigan: Still doesn’t explain why you liked it. I mean, you could have just looked at it. But you did the double tap. So the question remains. Why?

Brad: I guess some part of me thought that if I liked it, she would see that I liked it. And then she would follow me back and then we’d DM and then maybe at some point, I don’t know, she’d want to have sex with me. [right answer bell]

Denny Donigan: That is correct. Yes. And just to be clear, your girlfriend is here tonight?

Brad: She is, yeah.

Girlfriend: You are a stupid man.

Brad: I really didn’t understand the premise of the show.

Denny Donigan: Alright, next up, Kenny.

Kenny: Pass.

Denny Donigan: No. You can’t pass. Two weeks ago, you liked this photo. [there’s a picture of a painting]

Kenny: Okay, oh. That’s not even bad.

Denny Donigan: All right, then this question should be easy. Why do you like it?

Kenny: Um, culture. [wrong answer buzzer]

Denny Donigan: I’d like to point out that this art photo was posted by Megan thee Stallion, who has 28 million followers and averages 2 Million Likes per post. So again, why do you like?

Kenny: I’m a fan of her music. [wrong answer buzzer] I’m a fan of her art. [wrong answer buzzer] I’m a fan of Instagram in general. [wrong answer buzzer] Okay, I guess I saw that post was getting less likes than the ones with Megan’s face and booty. So I thought if I like this one, it’s more likely she’d see it and she knows that I like her for more than her body, but like, for her mind. And then it’d be like a Notting Hill type of situation. She DM me, one thing leads to another and pretty soon we’re having sex. [right answer bell]

Brad: Wow. That’s pathetic.

Girlfriend: Do not speak.

Brad: Can I leave?

Denny Donigan: No. All right, Beth, you’re up.

Beth: Okay, well, this should be easy for me because I don’t go around liking thirst traps on Instagram.

Denny Donigan: Ha-ha. Love that confidence? Because yesterday, you liked this photo from 2017. [there’s a picture of a woman in front of a waterfall]

Beth: Seems fine.

Denny Donigan: It is a picture of your ex boyfriends sister. So why do you like it?

Beth: We still keep in touch. [wrong answer buzzer] I like her dog. [wrong answer buzzer] Water… waterfall. [wrong answer buzzer]

Denny Donigan: You scrolled back five years to like it.

Beth: Okay, I thought that if I liked the photo, she’d see my name pop up on her feed. And remember that I was nice. And then maybe at the next family dinner, she turned to my ex and be like, “You know who I miss? Beth!” And then my ex would DM me and say we should grab coffee sometime and cut to two hours later and we’re raw dogging in a Starbucks bathroom. [right answer bell]

Denny Donigan: What is wrong with you people?

Beth: Why would you bring us here?

[exciting sound]

Denny Donigan: Oh-oh! You know what that sound means?

Brad: You know we don’t know.

Denny Donigan: Well, it’s time for round two. Why do you follow them? In this round, I show you an Instagram profile and the only thing you have to do is tell me why do you follow them.

Kenny: Pass.

Denny Donigan: It’s not going to happen. All right. Let’s get that profile up. You all follow Joe Biden. Why?

Beth: He’s the president. [wrong answer buzzer]

Kenny: He knows Obama. [wrong answer buzzer]

Brad: During the election, I felt like I wasn’t doing enough politically, so I thought following Joe Biden was literally the least I could do. [wrong answer buzzer]

Denny Donigan: Oh, so close.

Brad: And I thought maybe if someone political saw I was following him, they’d want to have sex with me. [right answer bell]

Girlfriend: I’m gonna kill you.

Brad: I wasn’t gonna do anything. [wrong answer buzzer] I mean, unless one of them DM’ed me and commented on some of my photos. [right answer bell] All right, all right. Look, maybe in the past I’ve been pretty shallow when it comes to social media. But thanks to this game show, I now realize social media is not my friend and maybe it’s time to get off this thing for good. Ha-ha.

Denny Donigan: All right, well, in the time it took for the camera to cut to me just now. You liked unliked and liked again, this photo? [There’s a picture of a woman at the beach]

Brad: I’m sorry, I cannot change.

Denny Donigan: Understood. We’ll be right back after the break with round three – “Why did you react to the Instagram story despite never meeting them?” Stick around.

Spring Flowers

Mr. Greene Tom… Kenan Thompson

Pink flower… Chloe Fineman

Orange flower… Jake Gyllenhaal

Yellow flower… Cecily Strong

Red flower… Chris Redd

Honey bee… Bowen Yang

Weed… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Mr. Greene Tom watering the flowers in his garden]

Mr. Greene Tom: All right, my beautiful little spring bulbs. You’re getting bigger every day. And it looks like you’re thirsty for sprinkle.

Pink flower: Thank you Mr. Greene. We love those little sprinkles.

Orange flower: I know I love em’ a lot.

[Red flower blossoms]

Red flower: Excuse me. I’m a little confused. Yesterday I was just above in the earth. And now I’m different.

Yellow flower: Welcome to the flower bed, friend. We wondered when you’d arrive.

Pink flower: Yeah. You’re a late bloomer.

Orange flower: Not sexually. Just as a flower.

Yellow flower: You’re gonna like it here. Just about everything is perfect because

[singing] It’s spring, well everywhere, but I hope

Orange flower: Because there is still a lot of snow

Pink flower: but spring has finally sprung

All: Yeah, spring has finally sprung

Red flower: You’re right. I do like it here.

Hooray for spring and zing and Easter things

All: Spring, spring, spring, spring, spring

[A honey bee comes]

Honey bee: Hey everybody, what are we talking about?

Orange flower: We were just saying how wonderful spring is Mr. Bee?

Honey bee: Oh, yeah, spring is the best. Love Spring. [Honey bee starts to rub his bottom on Orange flower and moan. It looks sexual.]

Orange flower: Hey, wait. What are you doing?

Honey bee: What? I’m just doing what bees do. It’s okay.

Orange flower: It doesn’t feel okay.

Pink flower: It looks like you’re having sex with his head.

Honey bee: No, no, I’m just getting pollen on my my legs or whatever. It’s all very natural and necessary.

[Honey bee jumps to Pink flower]

Pink flower: Wait! Don’t do me after you just did him.

Yellow flower: [disgusted] Can you believe this?

Red flower: I know! It’s like, when is it gonna be my turn?

Honey bee: Oh, I’ll get to everybody.

Red flower: Oh god, it tickles.

Honey bee: Shut up, shut up. I’m close.

Orange flower: What do you do with all this pollen anyway?

Honey bee: I basically squeeze a load of goop out of my butt and then people eat it. Pretty kinky, right?

Mr. Greene Tom: Ay! Get out of here, you silly bee! Don’t you be bothering my pretty flowers.

Pink flower: Wow, thank goodness that’s over.

[weed pops up]

Weed: Yeah, pretty harrowing, right?

Orange flower: Wait, who are you?

Weed: Just another flower. Like you guys?

Yellow flower: Are you sure you’re not a weed?

Weed: I’m a flower. Hey, can I choke you a little bit?

Pink flower: Choke me? No.

Weed: Okay. Why not though? I think you might like it.

Orange flower: Hey, get away from us, weirdo. You’re not a flower. You don’t belong here.

Weed: Oh, you don’t think I belong here? You don’t want me in your little gated flower community? Are you hearing this ball?

Red flower: Ah-hah.

Weed: Come on! Just let me choke you.

Pink flower: Stop!

Yellow flower: Can you believe this?

Red flower: I know. It’s like, when is it going to be my turn?

Mr. Greene Tom: Ay! Go away, you stupid weed. Take that! [puts medicine on it]

Weed: Ah! You can kill me but you can’t kill the revolution.

Pink flower: Wow. A lot happens in this garden bed.

Red flower: At least today hasn’t been all bad. We’re all together and there’s not a cloud in the sky.

Pink flower: Wait. There is a cloud.

Yellow flower:  Why is the cloud so furry?

Orange flower: And why does the cloud have a dog penis? [a pug is on the garden]

Mr. Greene Tom: Mr. Peanut, don’t do that on my flowers.

[pug pees on flowers]

Pink flower: Ah! what is that? What is that hot liquid?

Orange flower: It’s so salty.

Red flower: I don’t mind.

Yellow flower: I’m getting out of here. Oh my god! I don’t have legs. Where are my legs?

Pink flower: Make it stop!

Orange flower: It’s so dark! this dog must be dehydrated.

Red flower: Ah! When is it gonna be my turn?

Mr. Greene Tom: Get out of there, Mr. Peanut. Oh my poor flowers are soaked.

Pink flower: Wow, I guess maybe being a flower isn’t always cracked up to be.

Yellow flower: Don’t say that. Don’t you ever. It’s been a long gray winter and people need us. Our beautiful colors and our sweet aromas. Even if right now we don’t exactly smell so good.

All: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Orange flower: Yeah, right. Look at the smile on Mr. Greene Tom’s face right now.

Mr. Greene Tom: All right, let’s see which one is gonna look good on the vase buys on my table.

[Mr. Greene Tom cuts off a flower]

Orange flower: [screaming in pain] Ah! Ah!

[green blood is spilled all over other flowers.]

Pink flower: Oh, they killed Jake Flower-haal.

Yellow flower: Oh my god. Is that who that was?

Weed: Man, this garden is crazy. Can I choke you a little bit?

Red flower: Finally, ha-ha-ha.

Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson Confirmation Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Ketanji Brown Jackson… Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

Thurgood Marshall… Kenan Thompson

Harriet Tubman… Punkie Johnson

Jackie Robinson… Chris Redd

[Starts with Joe Biden and Ketanji Brown Jackson at the White House]

Joe Biden: Wow, what a day. Your speak was terrific, Ketanji. I’m sorry, I mean, Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I bet you can’t say that three times fast.

Joe Biden: I’m shocked I was able to say it one time slow.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you, Mr. President. I’m so grateful, you put me your trust in me.

Joe Biden: Hey, I made a campaign promise to put a black woman on the court and I did. So that’s one campaign promise down and only 74 to go.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, I was happy to do my part. Work twice as hard as a white man my entire life and then spend a week listening to Ted Cruz call me a pedophile.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Mr. President, the reception starts in five minutes.

Joe Biden: Thanks. I should go get ready. But Ketaji, it’s a big damn deal. You’re the first black female justice, but won’t be the last. It’s just a normal thing now, like wearing crocs in public?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you.

Joe Biden: Well, you know, take a moment in this room. Feel the weight of history. Sometimes I like to imagine talking to all the great Americans who came before me. You understand what I’m trying to say?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: That you miss Obama?

Joe Biden: Every day. Like crazy.

Chloe: Mr. President, we really really have to go.

Joe Biden: Okay. I’ll see you in a minute. Take your time.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Wow. There is a lot of history in this room. Who would I want to talk to? I know.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg comes in]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Nice to meet you.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Ruth Bader Ginsburg, how is this possible?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: You tell me. It’s your imagination? All right. What do you wanna know?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, I’d love to know what advice you have for me as a woman on the Supreme Court.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Okay. Here’s my advice. Always label your lunches. A lot of other justices, they got sticky fingers. And second, if you’re anything like me, white ladies will start wearing buttons to your face like ‘I Voted’ sticker. It’s freaky, but they mean well. Anyway, I just wants to say, I’m so proud of you. I know you can do a great job.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you. That means a lot.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: And look, I know your confirmation process put you through the wringer. But in the end, people do the right thing. I mean, I was confirmed with the Senate 96:3, right? So what was your vote?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: 53:47:fortyseven? Well, yeah, a lot of them walked out and one guy kept asking me if babies are racist.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Ted Cruz

Ketanji Brown Jackson: You know, it was. You should have seen that man. He actually sat there on TV and read a children’s book at me.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Well, it was Ted Cruz. So I bet the book was called ‘Good night Cancun’, and that’s a Gins-Burn!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg leaves dancing]

[Thurgood Marshall walks in]

Thurgood Marshall: Did I miss it? Did I miss the Gins-burn? Oh, dang.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Oh, my God, Justice Thurgood Marshall.

Thurgood Marshall: Yes, that’s exactly who you’re imagining. What an exciting day. We’ve come a long way.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, thanks to you. You were on the frontlines of the civil rights movement?

Thurgood Marshall: Yep. Yep. I was there when people of color in this country came together with one voice and said enough is enough. And then white folks said, “We’ll, think about it.” But that was a different time.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Some things are still sort of similar.

Thurgood Marshall: Yes? Is there the threat of nuclear war with Russia?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yes.

Thurgood Marshall: Inflation still popping off?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: For sure.

Thurgood Marshall: Is Joe Biden is still a politician?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Very much so. So what advice do you have for me as a person of color on the Supreme Court?

Thurgood Marshall: Well, never give up. Democracy can be slow and messy. It stumbles, but over time, it moves forward. I mean, I was the first black Supreme Court justice. So you must be what, the 10th? The 20th?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, just the third.

Thurgood Marshall: No further questions, your honor.

[Harriet Tubman walks in]

Harriet Tubman: Yeah, I have some questions.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Harriet Tubman?

Harriet Tubman: That’s right. Conductor of the Underground Railroad. My question is, what are we doing in the White House? Did we get in trouble?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Not at all. Actually, because of the bravery of women like you, a lot of doors opened up to a lot of people. I’m on the Supreme Court.

Harriet Tubman: I like that.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I have a seat at the table.

Harriet Tubman: I like that.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: And I’m going to have this job for the rest of my life.

Harriet Tubman: Don’t like that. Sounds like a trap.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, no, no, it’s not like that.

Harriet Tubman: Okay, okay. But if it is, light two candles and meet me in a farmhouse at midnight.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, no.I’m good. I’m just excited to get to work. But I would like to talk to one more person who broke down a barrier.

[Jackie Robinson walks in]

Jackie Robinson: Well, that’s me, Jackie Robinson. First black player in the Major Leagues and let me tell you, being the first is kind of fun. Yeah, it’s fun. Here’s my advice, watch out for batteries. You will get so many batteries thrown at you.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yeah, I think the Supreme Court is too civilized for that.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, that’s what they said about baseball. But they still do those damn batteries. Wish we had helmets back then, ha-ha-ha. But the good news is you’ll probably be making a lot more money than a measly a baseball player.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I wish. Baseball players today average about $Ruth Bader Ginsburg million a year.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, excuse me for a second. [covers his face with the gloves and screams out loud] Thank you. I’ve been holding it in since 1947.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, thank you all for your advice. It’s a lot of pressure but I will do everything I can to honor your legacy.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, that’s great. So even the bad players the millionaires?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yep.

Jackie Robinson: Ain’t that something?

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Short Ass Movies

Pete Davidson

Gunna

Chris Redd

Simon Rex

[Starts with Pete Davidson browsing movies on his TV]

Pete: These days, when I wanna sit down to watch a movie, I can find just about anything in the world. But night after night, there’s only one kinda movie I’m always looking for.

[rapping] And that’s a short-ass movie
A really short movie
Like, at most, an hour-forty
Gimme that short-ass movie

Gunna: A short-ass movie
A really short movie
‘Cause you know I ain’t gon’ sit here
And watch no long-ass movie

Pete: Found a flick, I’m ’bout to pick it
But right before I click it
I look down right below the line
And that’s when I see the runtime
Three hours forty-seven minutes?
Bro, you must be crazy
No thanks, I’mma watch a short-ass movie
like Driving Miss Daisy

Gunna: I’m not pushin’ “P” unless it’s under two hours
Like Lion King or Bad Moms or all three Austin Powers

Pete: I heard that Batman was great, so went to a theater and saw it
I pissed my pants twice, that s— was longer than The Hobbit

Gimme that short-ass movie
A 90-minute movie

Gunna: Like Liar Liar, Evil Dead,
Punch-Drunk Love, or Eraserhead

Pete: A short-ass movie
A really short movie
‘Cause I’m a simple man
With no attention span

Chris: Gimme a short-ass movie like Bambi
Got to be tiny but good like shrimp scampi

Pete: And when it’s movie night, you won’t be gettin’ any yesses
If you roll up to the crib with one of them double VHSs

Gunna: Why this movie look like a book?

[Pete Davidson throws out the movie]
Pete: Bye bye!

Gunna: I always keep it a hundred
Keep the runtime under a hundred

Chris: If my ass stuck on the couch for more than two hours
It cause me discomfort

Pete: We tried to watch the movie Heat
When we was hanging at my house
But barely 20 minutes in
My boys were drooling on the couch

The only one not sleeping is the weird guy who picked the movie

James: [watching the movie] I stand by my choice.

Pete: Gimme that short-ass movie
A really short movie
Like Encino Man, yes please
Or Good Time by the Safdies
A short- ass movie
A really short movie
If it’s long, my eyes get glassy
Now tell ’em how it is, Dirt Nasty

Simon Rex: Yo, it’s your boy Dirt
If you really like short movies
I got nine great ones just waitin’ for ya
There’s Ernest Goes to Camp and Ernest Saves Christmas
And Ernest Goes to Jail and Ernest Scared Stupid
There’s Ernest Goes to School, that’s only 89 minutes
And Slam Dunk Ernest

Pete: That one’s got Kareem in it

Simon Rex: There’s Ernest in the Army, made me wanna join the service
And Ernest Goes to Africa

Pete: That poster makes me nervous

Simon Rex: But the greatest thing of all, a true thing of beauty
Is the three minute short before every Pixar movie
[Everyone sobbing]
Chris: It was so short but so sad.

Pete: Yo, so think about this: Sex and the City 2 was two hours and 26 minutes long. To put that in perspective, the movie Jurassic Park was two hours and seven minutes long. That was a movie that told the history of dinosaurs, how DNA works, and explained the science of bringing dinosaurs back to life. And Sex and the City 2 , y’know, which was a movie about four women we already knew, was 20 minutes longer. I’m not saying that’s bad or anything, I’m just saying that’s crazy s—, right?

Simon Rex: How long was “The King of Staten Island”?

Pete: Oh. It was, it was, like, two hours and 17 minutes, but we needed, we needed all those minutes.

All: Gimme a short-ass movie
A really short movie
Gimme a short-ass movie
A really short movie
Every night

Seat Fillers

Will Smith… Chris Redd

Jerrod Carmichael

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with the Oscars intro]

[Cut to Will Smith sitting on a sofa. Jerrod walks to his seat behind Will Smith.]

Jerrod: Oh, no way. Will Smith? Excuse me, Mr. Smith. I know I’m not supposed to talk to you. I’m just the seat filler, but I wanted to say I am a huge fan man.

Will Smith: Thank you, man. That means a lot. Ha-ha.

Jerrod: I love all your movies. Pursuit of Happiness is so inspiring. I just showed it to my son.

Will Smith: I love that. That’s what it’s all about. Ha-ha.

Jerrod: No joke. Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It is still my ringtone to this day.

Will Smith: Ha-ha. That’s hilarious.

Jerrod: Hey, I don’t want to sound corny, but you’re like my hero. Man. This is the coolest night of my life. I mean, I’m talking to Will Smith. Chris Rock just got up on stage. Hey, can I get a selfie real quick?

Will Smith: Of course, yeah.

Chris Rock: Jada, I love you. GI Jane II, can’t wait to see it.

[Jerrod is trying to take a selfie with Will Smith]

Will Smith: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ay, I’ll be right back, man.

[Will Smith walks to the stage. Jerrod is just looking at him. When there’s a smacking sound, Jerrod is shocked.]

[Will Smith walks back and takes the seat]

Will Smith: Ay, so where are you from, man?

[Jerrod is creeped out.]

Jerrod: Nowhere man.

Will Smith: I like your tux, man. By the way, look good feel good, am I right? Ha-ha. [yelling] Keep my wife’s name out your [bleep] mouth. [back to talking to Jerrod] Man, I love the Oscars, man. I love movies, man. I just saw Padding II. Honestly, best movie I ever see. I love that little bear man. One second. [yelling] Keep my wife’s name out your [bleep] mouth. [back to talking to Jerrod] So, how about that selfie, man? Come on.

Jerrod: Nah, that’s okay.

Will Smith: Ah, come on, man. Let’s do it.

Jerrod: No, I deleted my phone.

Will Smith: Alright. Well, enjoy the show, man.

[Kyle walks back to his seat next to Jerrod]

Kyle: Bathroom like is crazy. What did I miss? Oh my god, we’re right next to Will Smith? I’m gonna tweet this. And he is trending. [reads the tweets] Oh my god.

Will Smith: [talking to Kyle] Hey, nice to meet you man. I’m Will. What’s your name?

Kyle: I don’t– They didn’t give me one.

Will Smith: Oh, that’s weird. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Amy Schumer is being hilarious, right? Ay, who is your favorite comedian?

Jerrod: Chris– No one.

Will Smith: What?

Jerrod: I don’t think anything is funny.

Will Smith: [pointing at Kyle] What about you? Favorite comedian, man?

Kyle: Dori?

Will Smith: Who?

Kyle: Finding Dori.

Will Smith: Your favorite comedian is Finding Dori? Well, she is a funny fish, man. [yelling] Richard Williams was a fierce protector of his family.

Kyle: Okay.

Will Smith: I’m gonna say that in my speech, man.

Jerrod: Okay.

Will Smith: Okay, what else should I say?

Kyle: Love makes you do crazy things.

Will Smith: What was that?

Kyle: Love makes you do crazy things.

Will Smith: That’s good. I’ma use that. I’ma credit you.

Kyle: Please don’t.

Will Smith: Man, the last couple of years have been crazy. You know? With covid, zoom, [cracking voice] the red table talk. Y’all ever see the red table talk?

Jerrod: Nah, I’ve never heard of it.

Kyle: I haven’t seen anything.

[Jerrod’s phone rings. Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It is actually his ringtone.]

Will Smith: Ay! Don’t answer that, man. Let it ring. Everything is normal, y’all. [dancing]