Black Jeopardy Velvet Jones

Darnel Haze… Kenan Thompson

Rashad… Chris Redd

Kiannah… Ego Nwodim

Mr. Velvet Jones… Eddie Murphy

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Announcer: This is Black Jeopardy!

[Cut to the game show] [cheers and applause]

Darnel Haze: Alright, what up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy. The only jeopardy that started some time between 8 and 9 o’clock. I’m your host Darnel Haze. Our contestants today are Rashad.

[Cut to Rashad] Rashad: What’s cracking?

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Kiannah!

[Cut to Kiannah]

Kiannah: Hey!

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: And Mr. Velvet Jones.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Hi, I’m Velvet Jones.

[cheers and applause]

Darnel Haze: It says here you’re the founder of the Velvet Jones School of Technology.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: That’s right. I show ladies how to start their own business making up to $Darnel Haze,500 a week with my number one best seller, [Mr. Velvet Jones takes a book out] I want to be a ho.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Okay. Mr. Jones, this is not an infomercial and it is a little early to be talking that spicy. But, let’s take a look at our categories.

We got [Cut to the game screen] “My last nerve”, “Go on ahead then”, “I ain’t wanna say nothing but”, “I’m on break”, “What you not gonna do”, and there is always “White people.”

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Alright, Rashad, you’re our returning champ. You pick.

[Cut to Rashad]

Rashad: Let’s go with “What you’re not going to do” for Rashad00.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnel Haze: Your white friend wants to give you an elf on the shelf.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Rashad]

Darnel Haze: Rashad.

[Cut to Rashad]

Rashad: What it is, what you not gonna do is put a holiday snitch in my house.

Darnel Haze: That’s it. The only thing I want watching me is Jesus. All right. Rashad, it’s your pick.

[Cut to Rashad]

Rashad: Let’s stick with “What you’re not going to do.”

Darnel Haze: Alright, the answer there.

[Cut to the game screen] They say your neighbor paid $Kiannah00 for pole dancing classes.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Velvet Jones]

Darnel Haze: Oh, Velvet Jones.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: What a shame. Why spend good money on classes when you can do it for half the price in my basement? It’s all in my new book entitled, “How the Dance like a ho.”

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Well, good try, Mr. Jones. On this show we say women. You understand that, right?

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Yes. Mmm, women.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Alright, well, then it’s your turn.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Let’s go to I ain’t wanna do say nothing.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnel Haze: Okay. Oh, we got a time and a half question. [Cut to Darnel Haze] This one is worth time and a half. All right. Here’s the picture.

[Cut to a picture of Grinch running in a coat]

It’s just elf running around acting like a cat nap.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Kiannah]

Darnel Haze: Kiannah.

[Cut to Kiannah]

Kiannah: What is, I ain’t wanna say nothing but movies can stay white.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Yeah, that’s right. Diversity should happen.

[Cut to the contestants]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Ha-ha. That man looks ridiculous. How is he supposed to wear — where is his three piece suit and his tiny gold chain and hi long hair? How will he ever attract good ho?

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Mr. Jones, folks on the internet are going to be upset if you keep talking like that. All right, Kiannah. It’s your pick. Let’s go to my last nerve for Rashad00.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnel Haze: All right, the answer. Your girlfriend says she gotta work overtime because the holidays.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Velvet Jones]

Darnel Haze: Velvet Jones.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: What a wonderful opportunity for this young lady to go into business for herself. Personally, I think there’s nothing more sexy than a woman who makes her own money. And she can learn to do that with my new book entitled —

[cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Please don’t say, “Be a ho.”

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: I was not. This is called, “Ass for cash.” It is well known fact that shaking your greezy ass in front of strangers can net you up to $Darnel Haze,500 a week. It’s as simple as that.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Velvet, you know about “me too,”right?

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Of course. You like hos? Me, too.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Let’s just hear about today’s prizes. Johnny!

[Cut to show screen]

Announcer: Thanks, Darnel. Today’s black jeopardy winner will receive crab legs. It wouldn’t be mother’s day without crab legs. And by he funny pet adoption central. “Don’t go you near that dog. He funny.” And from the family of products put some water in them. Everything from spaghetti sauce to hand soap. Want more? Put some water in it. Back to you Darnel.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Yeah, put that water in it. All right. Mr. Jones. The board is still yours.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Let’s try, “What you not gonna do” for 600.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnel Haze: All right. Your niece shows up for Christmas dinner in a cut off top.

[Cut to the contestants] [buzzer by Velvet Jones]

Darnel Haze: Alright, Velvet Jones, and be careful.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: It’s okay. I understand. What you not gonna do is judge this woman. It’s Rashad0Darnel Haze9 and she has every right to be sexy and to show off her beauty. She is independent and she can make her own money. She doesn’t need to have sex with anyone.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: Well! That’s very nice. Welcome to the modern era, Mr. Jones.

[Cut to Mr. Velvet Jones]

Mr. Velvet Jones: Yeah. And it’s all in my new book entitled, “How to be an Instagram ho.”  And make  $500 a week from the comfort of your own bedroom being a strong independent Instagram ho.

[Cut to Darnel Haze]

Darnel Haze: I got to say, you got a point, Mr. jones.

[music playing]

♪ always and forever ♪ >>

Darnel Haze: Well, the sound of the last dance at a black prom means that we are out of time. Let’s take a break and delete Mr. Velvet’s twitter account. But we’ll see ya’ll in a minute.

Home for the Holidays

Daniel… Eddie Murphy

Brian… Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Donna… Maya Rudolph

Ego Nwodim

Matthew… Mikey Day

[Starts with a family having Christmas dinner]

Daniel: Before we eat, I want to say a few words.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Make it quick, dad. I’m starving.

[other family members laughing] [Cut to Daniel]

Daniel: I will, I will. I just want to thank everyone for being here. And not just the immediate family. I’m talking about all the cousins and their kids and everybody.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: That’s how it should be.

Daniel: That’s right, pop. [cut to Daniel] I know everybody is busy with their lives. Their own things they have to do but it means so much that you’re here with us in our home for the holidays.

[Cut to Donna]

Donna: That goes for both of us.

[Cut to Daniel and Donna late at night arguing in their room]

Daniel: [yelling] How come your damn sister couldn’t host?

Donna: My sister’s house is a dump, Daniel.

Daniel: You know? I got to pay for all this damn food? Hell no!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: As I have always said, this house is happier when it’s full.

[Cut to Daniel knocking the door at night]

Daniel: [yelling] Get out of the bathroom!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Grandpa: Son, you and Donna have been such gracious hosts. [Cut to Brian and Grandpa] I just hope I haven’t been a nuisance.

[Cut to Grandpa coughing at night]

Grandpa: [coughing loudly] It’s so damn dry!

[Cut to Daniel and Donna not being able to sleep because of noise Grandpa is making] [Cut back to the family dinner.]

Donna: What are you talking about? We love having you here.

[Cut to Grandpa coughing at night] [Cut back to the family dinner.]

Daniel: And of course, this is our first Christmas with our soon to be son-in-law Matthew.

[Cut to Matthew and Ego holding hands]

When you two got engaged, [Cut to Daniel] all of us were just smiling from ear to ear.

[Cut to Ego arguing with Daniel and Donna]

Ego: Why cannot I marry him? Because he’s white?

Daniel: [yelling] Yes!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Donna: Welcome to the family, Matthew.

[Cut to Ego arguing with Daniel and Donna]

Ego: You guys are being so racist.

Donna: Damn right we are. No offense Matthew.

[Cut to Matthew just sitting there]

Matthew: None taken.

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Donna:  I’m just embarrassed we have to put you two on the air mattress.

[Cut to Ego]

Ego: Mom, for the last time, it’s fine.

[Cut to Ego and Matthew]

Matthew: Yeah! It’s actually super comfortable.

[Cut to Ego and Matthew not able to sleep because of uncomfortable bed]

Matthew: [yelling] This sucks!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: And then there is Brian. [Cut to Brian] Back from college. It sure is great to have my boy back home for a few weeks.

Brian: It feels good to be home, dad.

[Cut to Daniel and Brian watching TV. Daniel is using the remote.]

Daniel: I am pushing it.

Brian: That’s channel dad! Not source.

Daniel: But channel is the source.

Brian: No, no. I showed you just yesterday!

Daniel: Just get your useless black ass out of here. I know how to do it. Just go.

[Brian leaves]

Stupid ass! Son, come back in here.

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Grandpa: Well, I just want to say as you get older, it all goes that much quicker. We should all cherish this time we all spend together as a family this Christmas. I know I will.

[Cut to Grandpa sleeping on a couch] [Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Thank you, pop! I could go on. But I know better than to let a meal my wife spent so much time cooking go cold.

[Cut to Donna]

Donna: Oh, stop. I just threw it together.

[Cut to Donna panicking at the kitchen]

Donna: No, no, no! [beep] [Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Anyway, thank you all for being here. And I really mean that.

Narrating: I know it might be a little crowded —

[Cut to children screaming in front of Daniel]

Daniel: This room is off limits. Get off me!

Narrating: And we might even get on each other’s nerves a little bit.

[Cut to Brian and Donna in the kitchen]

Brian: Hey, ma! Do you have any–

Donna: [yelling] No! Whatever it is, no!

Narrating: This is going to make the memories last a lifetime.

[Cut to Ego walking in toilet. Grandpa is already there.]

Grandpa: Um, occupied!

Ego: Grandpa! Lock the door!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Christmas is about family. And I am blessed to spend it with mine. Cheers!

Everybody: Cheers!

Brian: That was beautiful, dad.

Grandpa: Well said, son.

Matthew: That was great, dad.