Tag: Chris Redd

Baby Clothes

Bowen Yang

Jerrod Carmichael

Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

Andrew Dismukes

Cara.. Heidi Gardner

[Starts with adults enjoying watching their babies]

Bowen: Cara, It’s  so sweet. You got these onesies for all the kids.

Cara: You know he’s gonna be a heartbreaker just like his dad.

Chloe: Oh, look, they’re like a tiny little baby couple.

Chris: Or, not to assume. Maybe that’s weird for you guys.[Because Bowen and Jerrod are a gay couple] Sorry.

Bowen: No, we think it’s cute.

Female voice: You love seeing your little one as a future heartbreaker. But what if you don’t want to assume your baby’s going to be straight? Now you don’t have to. With the new “Born This Way” line from Osh Kosh F*Gosh. Your little Tyke will look adorable without being so exclusive. With sayings like “Future twink”, “Lil Lez”, “Messy DJ” and “In the closet because I can’t walk.”

Cara: Doesn’t he look great. I pray to God My son is gay.

Chris: I know. I would love that.

Female voice: Born This Way has designes your baby will love. Like wordplay.

Chloe: Rock-a-bi baby.

Cara: My mommy had a daddy.

Female voice: Political statemets.

Chris: I love milk… Harvey Milk. Rip.

Jerrod: Silence equals violence but crying equals hungry.

Bowe: Alexander Hamilton was a turf.

Female voice: And Butch.

Andrew: Aw, that is this? A tiny belt loop or a ring of keys? The slaves.

Chris: Some parents force their kids to wear a little sports jerseys. My son can be whoever he wants.

Jerrod: Imagine boxing a child into something that doesn’t feel right. I would hate that.

Cara: It’s so archaic to pierce your baby’s ears for baptism. Our kids will never have to confirm to something they don’t want. Thanks, Born This Way.

Chloe: Aw, it looks like they’re dating.

Andrew: Oh please, they’re not exclusive. You know how gay guys are.

Female voice: Born This Way, from Osh Kosh F*gosh. Oh relax, it’s not like they can read.

Princess and The Frog

Cecily Strong

Princess… Zoë Kravitz

Frog… Chris Redd

Dr. Facilier… Kenan Thompson

Firefly… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with the channel intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Disney minus, the movies Disney doesn’t really promote as much. We now return to The Princess and the Frog.

[Cut to the show]

Cecily: [singing] Tale as old as 09′
takes place in a bar
Princess finally black
Why the plot so wack
Princess and the Frog

[Cut to the princess. There’s a frog on her table.]

Princess: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I’ve fallen in love with a frog.

Frog: I know it’s crazy, right? I’m like this frog and you’re like this princess. But I guess it’s true what they say. Love is Love is love. I hope I’m not being too forward, Tiana, but will you kiss me?

Princess: Of course I will. Because love conquers all.

Frog: Exactly. You love me for me. You don’t care. And I’m a frog and frogs don’t have penises.

Princess: What was that?

Frog: It’s just a scientific fact. Frogs don’t have penises, but she don’t care. And that’s why I love you.

Princess: Yeah, for sure. And is that something that everybody just knows?

Frog: I think it’s out there. Yeah. It’s one of the first thing that comes out when you google frog penis. You know what? Let’s just kiss and get married. If we could tackle the whole no penis thing, lady.

Princess: Sorry. If you don’t have a penis, what do you have?

Frog: Oh, it’s every woman’s dream. I got balls that just shoot stuff directly on you. No pesky pain is getting in the way.

Princess: Oh, wow.

Frog: Yeah, it’s like they always say. Who needs a straw when I can just throw the milkshake right in your face? Now how about that kiss?

Princess: Yeah, I don’t know. I might have to rethink this a bit.

Frog: Oh, come on. Size doesn’t matter.

Princess: I think it does when it’s zero. How do you even have sex?

Frog: Oh, I’ll explain in great details. You see I climb on your back like this, and I wrap my arms around your body. And then I stay there for two days and I croak loudly in your ear until you lay your eggs. How many eggs do you lay typically?

Princess: I don’t lay eggs.

Frog: Oh, that could be a deal breaker.

Princess: You know, this never came up when we dissected frogs in high school. So…

Frog: You what?

[Dr. Facilier walks in]

Dr. Facilier: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the prince that I cursed.

Frog: Oh, my God. It’s Captain Hook.

Dr. Facilier: What? No. I am Dr. Facilier, the Voodoo witch doctor from this movie.

Princess: So if I kiss this frog, he’ll transform back into a prince?

Dr. Facilier: Only if it’s true love.

Princess: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And what would happen with his penis?

Dr. Facilier: What do you mean?

Princess: Well, apparently frogs don’t have them.

Dr. Facilier: The hell? How do they–

Princess: They just shoot out the nuts?

Frog: On the plus side, I can do oral from like five feet away.

Dr. Facilier: Well, I guess if he changed back to being a human, he would get his penis back.

Princess: Then let’s do it. Let’s kiss and join our souls forever.

Frog: And what if I didn’t have a penis before?

Princess: What?

Frog: Like as a human before the curse. What if hypothetically, it got ripped clean off in a bowling alley? When she kisses me, would it grow back?

Dr. Facilier: A bowling alley?

Frog: I tried to hump the ball return machine as a joke. And the gears sort of tore it clean off.

Princess: Stop saying clean off.

Frog: If you saw it, you’d agree.

Dr. Facilier: Look, you let a weird frog dude. I don’t know what the hell is going on with you, but at least you a prince.

Frog: That’s right. The Prince of Newark, New Jersey.

Princess: Okay, I’m out.

Dr. Facilier: Yeah, even for voodoo, this is messed up.

[A firefly flies in laughing]

Firefly: I reckon it’s about time I introduce myself. My name Ramo. But everybody around here call me Ray. I was the Cajun Firefly in the movie Princess Frog. I might be just about the worst Disney character ever created. Disney asked kids leaving the movie, “What do you think about Old Ray?” Every kid said, “Kill him. We don’t want to see oh Ray no place no way never again.” One time, they invited Old Ray to one of the character breakfasts over at the Disney World. They gave kids metal bats and said, “Go get him. Go kill Old Ray till he dead.” But don’t worry, then today Old Ray gonna be just fine–

[Firefly gets eaten by the frog]

Frog: Oh, damn!

Old Home Movies

Ego Nwodim

Zoë Kravitz

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Mother: All right, I put all the food away and now my kitchen is clean. Please nobody go in there and mess it up.

Daughter and Son: Yes, mom.

Mother: Now What are y’all watching?

Daughter: Some of dad’s old home movies.

Son: Wait, what’s going on?

[The video is of their dad recording himself addressing them]

Father: Hey, kids. It’s me daddy. If you’re watching this video, it means I’m already dead.

Daughter: Where’s dad?

Mother: He’s upstairs on the toilet. Where did you find this tape?

Father: I hid this tape in a box labeled big fish that I call so your mama wouldn’t watch it. There’s so much that I want to tell you kids that your mama don’t know.

Daughter: Maybe we should turn this off.

Mother: No, no, no. I want to hear this.

Father: Now, by now the lawyers have probably informed you that I am flat broke.

Mother: Broke? What the hell happened to our savings?

Father: I was too embarrassed to say anything. No man wants to have to tell his family, I blew my whole retirement on JB smoothes new sports betting app.

Son: Already? I just downloaded that for him last week.

Mother: [calling his husband] Walter get down here.

Daughter: No mom, we can’t let daddy know we saw this.

Father: And don’t worry about my funeral. I took care of everything. All you got to do is pay for it.

Daughter: Why would daddy make this video? Is he sick?

Father: Ain’t no telling what finally took me out. Could have been Rona, could have been because I drink a glass of water since 2003, could have been JB Smoove coming to collect.

[flushing sound]

Son: That was the toilet.

Daughter: Dad must be coming down. Let’s turn this off.

Mother: That was only his first flush. We still got about Daughter0 minutes.

Father: Let’s see what else. What else. Also I got a secret daughter.

Mother: A secret daughter?

Daughter: Oh my god.

Father: It’s not how you think. I would never cheat on your mother raw. The truth is I was a sperm donor back in the day. But I never would have done that dad I known that they was gonna use that sperm to make babies.

Son: What did he think they were gonna use it for?

Father: And to my only son, Walter Jr., I want to apologize for passing down the erectile dysfunctions.

Daughter: Ew!

Son: What? I don’t have that.

Father: Now, you may not have it right now, but you definitely will. Because you are my son. That’s why I am leaving you my special pump. I even put some googly eyes on it so other’s won’t know what it is. It might not get you all the way there but trust me, it gets you closer.

Son: Can you fast forward past this point?

Father: Look, maybe I wasn’t the best dad or the best husband, but I want you kids to know that I tried my very best to write the greatest crime drama Hollywood has ever seen. It’s called Dallas City Bouncers.

Daughter: City Bouncers?

Mother: Oh God not this stupid movie.

Father: Open on windy Dallas night. Lone saxophone cries out in the distance. Camera reveals detective Rico Trumaine played by the brother from Django Unchained. What was his name?

Son: Jamie Foxx?

Father: You know, the main brother that play Ray.

Daughter: Jamie Foxx.

Father: He was on the Jamie Foxx show. He was the man.

Daughter and Son: Jamie Foxx.

Mother: You know, I can’t wait this man. Just fast forward past this movie idea.

Father: With the money from the DVD sales, you should be able to pay back JB Smoove once and for all.

[shower sound]

Daughter: I think that’s the shower.

Mother: So we got more time. Hit play.

Father: As I was saying, I want you kids to give this important message to your mama for me. Baby when I met you, you were the smartest, most beautiful girl at the disco. And I was just some struggling backup singer for the commodores. I just want to tell you, I was never a backup singer for the commodore.

Mother: I can’t believe your father lied to me.

Son: I can’t believe he gave me the erectile dysfunction.

Father: Also baby, I have something that’s very valuable. It’s buried in a top secret location.

Mother: What is it?

Father: But before I tell you that, let me tell you about Dallas City Bouncers II, Rico’s Revenge.

Mother: Oh lord, just fast forward.

Father: It’s gonna be starring– What’s his name? He sings r&b too. You know who I’m talking about.

Maid of Honor

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Tanya… Cecily Strong

Nate… Chris Redd

Announcer… Mikey Day

Sarah… Zoë Kravitz

Sarah’s husband… Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Nate giving toast for his friends’ wedding]

Nate: You know, I always got the sense that Matt looked down on me. But that’s only because he’s two inches taller. But I’m so happy for you, buddy. I love you, bro. To Matt and Tanya. Cheers.

[Announcer walks up]

Announcer: Okay, how about a hand for Matt’s best man, Nate? Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m chewing that was just an incredibly short speech. It opened with the look down on me, Joe. And then it just kind of ended a few sentences later. I was sure it would be longer, which is why I took a bite of food, but I was wrong. But still a very nice speech from Nate. Okay, now let’s hear from the maid of honor, Tanya’s best friend, Sarah. Come on up, Sarah.

[Sarah walks up]

Sarah: Hi, I’m Sarah. Matt, let me tell you something. You’re really lucky guy. Because Tanya is the best girl in the world.

Matt: Aw. Yeah, she is.

Sarah: Girl’s like a sister to me. And not just because we both seen my dad naked.

Matt: [feeling uncomfortable but smiling] Okay.

Sarah: She’s always had my back. Even when nobody else agreed with me, she always said, “Sarah, if you’re sober enough to drive, then I believe you.” And that meant the world to me, girly. And when I’d stumble, when I’d make a mistake, she’d never make me feel bad. She’d say “Girlie, don’t beat yourself up. Nobody knew that thing was loaded.”

Matt: Did she shoot someone?

Tanya: Shh, babe, I’m trying to listen.

Sarah: And when she’s going through a tough time herself, she doesn’t complain. No. She dances, professionally.

Matt: What kind of dancing?

Tanya: Babe, shh!

Sarah: She’s not perfect.

Tanya: No way.

Matt: What kind of dancing?

Sarah: She’s been a bit of a bride Zilla. And not just because she’s attacked a lot of Japanese people. I am in awe of her. I don’t know about all of you. But if nine of my last boyfriends killed themselves, I would give up on romance. But not Tanya.

Matt: She’s joking, right?

Sarah: She believes in love. When I started dating my now husband, she was so happy for me. Everyone else said, “You’re a monster.” But what did you say, Girlie?

Tanya: You’re not a monster. You’re just his math teacher.

Sarah: That’s right. Love is love. Right baby?

Sarah’s husband: [pouring salt on his food. He is very young.] No doubt.

Sarah: But most of all, Tanya is brave. Girlie, I know you remember this? We were at a protest fighting for justice and you got right in that cop’s face. No fear at all. And do you remember what you said?

Tanya: I’m storming the Capitol and I’m gonna kill Mike Pence.

[Now Sarah is starting to get worried]

Sarah:  That’s right. And Matt, you make her so happy. I don’t want to embarrass anyone. But when you guys first got together, Tanya and I were having some girl talk and I said, you know, how’s the chemistry in the bedroom?

Matt: [laughing] No. Hey, here we go.

Sarah: And she said he’s trying his best.

[Matt is disappointed]

And that’s what makes Matt different from the hundreds and hundreds of other guys that she’s dragged home over the year.

Matt: Hundreds?

Tanya: Shh, baby!

Sarah: I’m sure maybe he’s not famous like Steve O’ from Jackass or Wee Man from Jackass. Maybe he’s not mysterious, like Bam from Jackass. But he puts in the work like Johnny Knoxville from Jackass.

Matt: So you just got with the whole Jackass gang?

Tanya: Honey, I listened to your friend speech. Okay?

Sarah: She loved you right away, Matt. After your first date, she said I met my person. And she deleted all the dating apps, Match, Tinder, ChokePony, Tour Dark Web browser, all of them? At least I think she did. Ha-ha-ha.

Tanya: No, I did. Come on. You can check my phone. [pulls out three phones out of her purse]

Matt: Why do you have three phones?

Sarah: So yeah, she loves you, man. And I know when she’s finally able to get her kids back, they’re gonna love you too.

Matt: What kids?

Sarah: And all those kids’ dads are gonna respect you.

Matt: What kids and what dads?

Tanya: Shh!

Sarah: Not every man who has the courage to marry Suge Knight’s ex. But you do Matt. You do. So congrats to both of you. Cheers.

Tanya: Thanks, girlie.

Matt: [thinking to himself] I’m gonna die.

Dont Stop Believin

Heidi Gardner

Clara… Zoë Kravitz

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a group of friends at a restaurant]

Heidi: So after 36 hours they said, “Sorry, ma’am. We found the killer. You can go.”

[everyone laughs]

Clara: Classic.

Chris: All the uses.

Ego: Unrelated, has anyone heard that new Doja Cat song?

Clara: Oh yeah, it’s so fresh. She’s such a forward thinking artist.

Chris: Not yet. But everyone’s gotta listen to a Lil’ Dirk’s Straight Fire.

Bowen: Oh, speaking of Straight Fire, you know what I’ve been really into lately? The marching band version of Don’t Stop Believing.

Clara: What?

Bowen: Yeah, yeah, I’ve been like mainlining that track? I mean, I have it queued up actually. You guys want to hear it?

Chris: No, that’s okay.

Bowen: Aww. Come on. Let me break you off a piece.

Ego: Don’t ever call playing music that.

Bowen: Cortana play “Don’t Stop Believin” by Ohio State University marching band.

Chris: Is that a Windows phone?

Ego: Did you just say Believin?

Bowen: Yeah, there’s a typo on Spotify. Shut up. It’s starting. [music playing] Do you guys hear?

Heidi: Hear what?

Bowen: It’s Tubas playing the baseline. Like who thinks of that?

Chris: Marching band?

Bowen: Shh.

Ego: What are we waiting for?

Bowen: It’s coming. There. The drums. Taka-taka-taka-taka-taka-taka. It’s like steam arising from the asphalt after a sun shower, and just percolating up and up and up and up and upward. Imagine walking down the street to this, feeling invincible. Like your whole life is ahead of you, like you’re on your way to your high school graduation and you’re going to make real mistakes in life into a song of gradual building until suddenly–

Chris: Is it over?

Bowen: It’s just beginning.

[Waiter walks in with the food]

Waiter: Hey, who ordered–

[Bowen throws away the food]

Bowen: Not now!

Clara: This is incredible.

Bowen: So you feel it too? Like…

Clara and Bowen: Anything is possible and all that was once beautiful can be again?

Bowen: Wait! Stop here. The instruments are doing the thing that Steven Tyler is singing.

Ego: Steven Tyler wasn’t in journey.

Bowen: It doesn’t matter. Okay? The music is transporting me. Am I in heaven or am I on Rainbow Road and freaking Mario Kart eight?

Clara: Oh! Imagine playing play Mario Kart to this song.

Bowen: Argh, sister, I’ve done it. And look. Now they’re doing the guitar part with a trumpet.

Clara: I didn’t know trumpet could do guitar.

Bowen: Well, they can. [singing loudly]

Chris: Those aren’t the words.

Ego: And no one has ever called it San Francisc.

Bowen: Okay, I’m getting hits to off. None of you are getting my money when I die. Except Clara.

Clara: You know the first time meeting and I really disliked you based off your social media posts, but I am so happy to be wrong. Who is this again?

Bowen: It’s the OSU marching band after album Buff by Bangers? They’re like the biggest band in the world. And violins.

Clara: And that cello.

Bowen: Oh my god, it’s amazing. [singing loudly]

Clara: Seriously, imagine playing Mario Kart eight and hearing this!

Bowen: It honestly inspires me to do so much better at Mario Kart. I just started read shelling the hell out of tone while I’m cruising down Rainbow Road which is where…

Clara and Bowen: This all takes place.

Chris: The marching band version of “Don’t Stop Believin” takes place on Rainbow Road?

Bowen: It does. If you don’t stop Belevin and are taken us home.

Clara: That was amazing. I’ve never heard a song without words before. I can’t believe it’s over.

Bowen: Me neither. But in many ways, it’s just beginning. Life that is.

Ego: Are you guys about to hook up?

Chris: That doesn’t make any sense.

Heidi: You’re both gay.

Bowen: Not anymore.

Clara: I still am.

Bowen: Me too. Cortana, play the Vinyl Belts. [singing loudly]

Can I Talk to You

Ego Nwodim

Zoë Kravitz

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

[Starts with Ego walking out of Quick Mart. Zoë is filling up the gas tank of her car. They are well dressed.]

Zoë: Is this thing busted or something? It’s taking forever.

Ego: Girl, Biden better do something about these gas prices?

Zoë: I know, right? $6 a gallon. What are they using, casamigos?

[Chris walks to them. He looks homeless.]

Chris: Excuse me? I ain’t trying to bother y’all but I’m looking very beautiful tonight.

Ego: Oh, boy.

Zoë: Here we go.

Chris: I just want to know if I can get your number or something, you know I’m saying?

Ego and Zoë: No.

Chris: Damn, saying no. Can I at least like, talk to you for a second? You know what I’m saying?

Zoë: You got a hole in your jacket.

Chris: So what though? What? You got a man or something like that?

Zoë: Yeah.

Ego: I’m married.

Chris: So what though? I can’t get to know you now?

Ego: You got bags on your feet. [He’s wearing plastic bags instead of shoes]

Chris: So what though? I mean, I can’t talk to you?

Zoë: Talk about what?

Ego: Do you work here or something?

Chris: No, I got no job. But I get money though! [showing his collection of cans]

Zoë: By collecting cans?

Chris: Don’t worry about all that. I’m saying, girl, can I get your phone number or something?

Ego: I think your car is on fire.

Chris: What does that even mean?

Zoë: She means your car is literally on fire right now.

[his car is on fire]

Chris: So what though? What you saying, baby? I can’t know your name?

Ego: Is that your baby?

Chris: Is what my baby?

Zoë: The baby in the stroller rolling into the streets.

Chris: Yeah, I guess that’s my baby. Why you can answer my questions though? That’s what I want want to know?

Zoë: Oh my god. What is your question?

Chris: I’m saying can I have your home address?

Ego: No.

[Mikey walks out of the store]

Mikey: Oh, what do we have here?

Ego: Oh, God. Will this pump Hurry up?

Mikey: Do my eyes deceive me, or am I looking at my future ex baby mom?

Ego: Ex baby mama? Then how would that happen?

Mikey: I’m saying though. What’s your name baby girl?

Zoë: Dude, are you peeing on yourself right now?

Mikey: Look, man, I’m just trying to get to know you, baby girl.

Chris: This my homie. We’re not trying to bother y’all.

Mikey: Yeah, we just want to know your sign. Are you a Virgo or a Sagittaricruz?

Ego: What happened to your teeth?

Mikey: My what?

Ego: Are you wearing a hospital gown?

Chris: I might be. You going to nurse me?

Mikey: Ooh!

Zoë: Oh, my God, why is this pump taking so long?

Chris: Girl, when are you going to let me take you out to Harry Potter World and drink some butter beer?

[a bird poops on Chris’s head]

Zoë: Ew!

Zoë: Do you know a bird just [bleep] on your head?

Chris: Don’t worry ’bout all that, girl.

Mikey: Yo, she got jokes!

Chris: I know, right?

Zoë: Is that a tail?

[Mikey has a tail]

Mikey: It might be!

Ego: A tail?

Chris: I’m trying to take you camping.

Mikey: Exactly, my man just trying to take you– [gets hit by a car]

Zoë: Oh, my God! Your friend just got hit by a car.

Chris: Don’t worry about all that. I can’t get a hug, though?

Ego: Okay, girl, let’s just get out of here.

Zoë: Yep.

[Engine starts and they leave]

[Mikey groaning]

Chris: Man, they was ugly, anyway. Let’s get out of here, man.

Mikey: They was busted!

Meatballs

Sarah Sherman

Alan… Chris Redd

[Starts with Sarah and Alan talking]

Sarah: And that’s why he didn’t go to grad school. Amazing.

Alan: You know, had a great time tonight.

Sarah: Me too. We’ve had three incredible dates.

Alan: Yeah, definitely. Hey, can I ask you something?

Sarah: Anything?

Alan: What do you always wear that green ribbon around your neck?

Sarah: [nervous] What do you mean?

Alan: I’ve just never seen you without it. Why don’t you take it off?

Sarah: I hoped you wouldn’t notice. Look, Alan, I’ll show you but please don’t let it affect the way you see me.

Alan: Of course.

Sarah: All right, here we go.

[Sarah opens takes off the ribbon from her neck. There’s a huge ball of meat hanging on her neck. The ball is singing]

There. Now you know. There’s a little meatball guy on the side of my neck and every time I take the green ribbon off and expose him to light, he wakes up and sings his little songs. Does that clear things up for you?

Alan: Totally. 100%.

Sarah: Now, where were we? [leaning to kiss]

Alan: Just one question. Is that little tiny hands sticking off the top of your shirt?

Sarah: Urgh. I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. [Sarah opens the button of her shirt. There’s another ball of meat on her chest singing.] And to answer your question, yes, they harmonize and sing together in time.

[The two balls start singing together]

Then there’s these guys.

[She has two more on her arm]

And  this one kind of munches on a block of cheese.

[There’s another one on her shoulder holding a piece of cheese]

And this one just kind of spits up.

[There’s another one on her stomach that’s vomiting.]

And the Big Daddy brings it all together.

[There’s another one on her thigh singing]

Meatball: We are little meatball men
singing our little meatball song
We are little meatball men
join us please and sing along

Alan: Okay. Yeah, I think I get it. You can go ahead and cover them now

Sarah: Oh, no, no. Once they get on a roll like this, it’s better to just keep on going until they get tuckered out.

[The balls are singing]

Meatball: We are little meatball men
made of balls of body meat
we are little meatball men
snacking on our cubes of cheese

my name is chunky

and my name is Poppolim

my name is Joby

my name is Jim

Alan: Have you ever talked to a doctor about getting them removed?

Sarah: No, it’s not necessary. After a few years, they just dry up and fall off into the toilet.

Meatball: Hey, buddy, I’m hungry. Give me some on cheese.

[The vomiting meatball vomits on Alan’s shirt]

Alan: Oh, gross.

Sarah: Oh, don’t worry about that. It’s not poisonous or anything. It’ll just stain your clothes. And it is poisonous.

Alan: Okay, look. Sam, I think we’re moving too fast.

Meatball: Oh no, here he comes.

Meatball: Oh, this is so awkward. I can’t bear to watch.

Sarah: Are you serious? You’re dumping me? Just coming out of nowhere. I mean, I suppose if I had to guess, I’d say it had maybe something to do with the meatball?

Alan: No. No. [pausing] Oh yeah, it’s the meatballs.

Sarah: Wow. [sobbing]

Alan: Hey, I’m sorry. Is that a piano in your armpit?

[Sarah shows her armpit. Charli XCX is singing there]

Charli XCX: Don’t give up on love just because of some meatballs
Don’t give up on this girl because she’s got a little meatballs
Someday you’ll realize, that in the end
true love will always win

Meatball: And I’m Jim

Alan: You know what? The meatballs are right. I wanna make it work.

Sarah: Really?

Meatballs: We finally got a boyfriend! Yay!

[They kiss. Alan immediately starts to choke]

Alan: What the hell?
Sarah: Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention. They’re extremely contagious.

Alan: [screaming] No!

Fiction Workshop

James Austin Johnson

Aidy Bryant

Janitor… Oscar Isaac

Melissa Villaseñor

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a group of students in the fiction workshop]

James: Abraham Lincoln smiled. She may be flawed, but she’s still my country. Anyway, see you tonight at the theater. The end.

Aidy: Wow, that was great line. Very relevant too.

James: Very much the intention. Thank you.

Aidy: Well, great stories tonight everyone. And we will be back next month. All are welcome.

[Janitor walks in]

Oh, sir. I’m sorry. Will be two minutes.

Janitor: Oh my gosh, you’re not finished. Excuse me?

Aidy: Oh, well, actually, sir. I don’t think we’ve ever actually spoken but I feel like I always see you with a different book. You like reading?

Janitor: Oh, yeah. Yes, ma’am. So I’ve seen the world 10 times over because of my books.

Aidy: Oh, wow. I love that. Will you ever try any writing?

Janitor: Oh, I mean, I dabble but no. Maybe one day you all are the writers.

Aidy: Well, why don’t you read us something? I mean, whatever you got.

Janitor: I don’t know.

Aidy: Hey, no judgments here. We’re all just trying stuff out. Promise.

Melissa: Come on, man. Take a seat.

James: Yeah, love to hear it pal.

Chris: Absolutely.

Janitor: Gosh, so nice. I’ve never read in front of people before. Well, this one’s called the “Apogee of Midnight”.

Aidy: Oh, lovely. Well, please.

Janitor: Okay, yeah. Well, there it was again, the sound of mop on tile, the start of another late night, one of 1000s like it alone in Chandler High. But the janitor liked the silence. It held them in a cool delicate calm.

Heidi: Wow, I really like that.

Janitor: Thank you. Then, footsteps. Loud and getting closer. “Hello, school’s closed.” A woman turned the corner. She looked lost. “Sorry. I’m looking for someone named Mike.” “Oh yeah? Who’s asking?” “My name is Dua Lipa. I’m a big pop star. And I’m looking for a janitor here named Mike.”

Aidy: Okay.

Janitor: The janitor paused. That was his name. Dua Lipa sighed. ” You haven’t heard me have you?” “Sorry, ma’am. More of a classic rock guy myself. Sure. Maybe I’ve seen a bikini pic or two. How can I help?”

Aidy: Okay, you know what? It is getting pregnant late. So I think we should probably wrap it up.

James: Bt he just got started.

Janitor: Wrap up? Why? So I can mop? Heck, I got time.

Chris: Yeah, and I want to know where it’s going.

Melissa: I doubt.

Heidi: Yeah, I think I’m good.

Janitor: Yeah, you’re right. I’m bad at this.

Aidy: No, no, we support it. So please go ahead.

Janitor: Okay, thank you. “Mind if I sit down?” Dua Lipa was exhausted. She just done a concert in Europe and were still in her sparkly show get up. He liked her. She was cool. “So what brings you out all this way to see little old me, girly?” “I don’t know. This is gonna sound crazy.” “Come on Dua Lipa. You know, you can talk to me. I’m your friend.” It’s true. They were fast friends. And nothing more, right?

Heidi: Are you asking us?

Janitor: Please, I’m still reading. “Well, I guess I wanted to ask you a favor Mike.” “Sure thing, girly. What’s up?” “Could you teach me how to make out? I’ve never done it before.”

Aidy: Okay. I’m sorry. Just no.

James: Come on.

Chris: Why?

Aidy: Look, I think it’s great that you write. I just don’t really want to hear about your weird made up thing with Dua Lipa. I’m sorry. I don’t.

Janitor: My thing? This ain’t me, mama. This is fiction. She’s a third person.

Heidi: Yeah, about a gender name Mike.

Janitor: Right.

Aidy: And so what is your name?

Janitor: Michael B. Jackson. Why?

Melissa: It’s just kind of creepy, man.

Heidi: Very creepy.

Janitor: Oh, I see. I guess I’m not a writer after all. Back to the toilet it is.

[Janitor stands and walks away]

Aidy: Okay, just finish it please.

[Janitor walks back fast]

Janitor: Okay cool. “Sure Dua Lipa. I could teach you how to make out.” “Wait, can my friend come? Her name is Tony McDaniels.” “The famous ginger MILF?” “One and the same.” “You know her?” “Know her? I manage her subreddit, the Gaza Day Rockstar. Of course pornography hadn’t been the same since the 70s back before TJ months took over at stuffed, when the mags had vision and the spreads were actually good.”

Aidy: Sorry, I do think we need to call it there. I think I’m sorry.

Janitor: Okay, okay. Blah blah blah blah blah, stuff happened, stuff happened. Okay, fine. Dua laughed, “Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Michael B. Thanks. This truly was the Apogee of Midnight. Amen.” Chapter Two.

Melissa: Amen?

Heidi: Chapter two? That wasn’t the end.

Janitor: Oh honey, we got 800 pages in book one. Strap in.

Aidy: Okay. Have a great night, everyone. Get home safe, okay?

[All the ladies leave. James and Chris are still there for him to finish.]

Nickelodeon Show

Nick Cannon… Chris Redd

Mark Summers… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Nick Cannon and Mark Summers in the show set]

Nick Cannon: Welcome to Behind the Slime. Look back at the history of Nickelodeon’s iconic green goo. I’m Nick Cannon, former star of all that.

Mark Summers: And I’m Mark Summers, former host of Double Dare, Super Sloppy Double Dare, and the Ill Fated Dirty, Nasty Hardcore Double Dare.

Nick Cannon: Ha-ha. America was introduced to Nickelodeon’s famous slime when the Canadian kids comedy show “You can’t do that on television.”

Mark Summers: Green Slime would rain down on anyone who said the phrase “I don’t know”. But as you’ll see, it took them a while to figure out the consistency.

Nick Cannon: Head’s up. This show was made in Canada so those kids are white as hell.

Mark Summers: Okay, let’s take a look.

[Cut to a video clip aired on March 20, 1980. Christina walks to Tracy.]

Christina: Hey, Tracy.

Tracy: Oh, hey, Christina. You get a Rubik’s Cube?

Christina: Not really. I’m colorblind.

Tracy: Wait, you’re colorblind? And your parents are divorced? No wonder you don’t have a boyfriend.

Nick Cannon: Again. This was from 1980 when TV was crazy.

Christina: You know, I’ve always wondered, who exactly is this Rubik guy?

Tracy: Huh! I don’t know. [Green slime falls on her head] Ow! Oh my god. That as like, concrete.

Christina: I can’t believe you said “I don’t know.” Oops! [a bucket falls on Christina’s head] Ouch! Geez. What was that?

[Becky Ball walks in]

Becky Ball: Hey, sorry. Little bastard kind of slipped out of my hands. Yeah, slime’s too damn thick.

Nick Cannon: Ha-ha. Fun fact, that woman with the busted his hair cut his slime’s creator, Becky Ball.

Mark Summers: Uh-huh. The early days also saw experimentation in the methods of sliming as seen in this clip from another early episode.

Nick Cannon: Ha-ha. You’re so damn funny, Suzanne Summers.

Mark Summers: Oh, it’s Mark. Mark Summers.

Nick Cannon: Ha-ha. Whatever.

[Cut to another video clip. Marcy walks to Craig]

Marcy: Hey, Craig.

Craig: Hey, Marcy. You know, this spider man comics got me thinking, you’d be a good superhero. Stuffs-her-bra Woman.

Marcy: Well, you can be my sidekick, the Incredible Homo!

Nick Cannon: 1980!

Craig: I prefer super Craig.

Marcy: Oh, and what’s super Craig superpower?

Craig: I don’t know. I guess– [green paint just bursts on Craig] Jesus Christ.

Marcy: Ha-ha. Looks like super Craig’s powers being slimed! [green paint bursts on Marcy too] Oh! why did they do it to me?

Craig: I don’t know. I mean, what’s happe– [green paint just bursts on Craig] Stop. Stop. Help me. Stop. Stop. Feels like needles in my face.

Becky Ball: Hey, I’m sorry about that little man. That issue is fixed and it won’t happen again.

[green paint just bursts again]

Craig: Please stop. We’re begging you.

Mark Summers: Huh! Well, This season second the last episode show the grammar of the slime we know today. But there were still some issues to iron out. Slime is one sticky business.

Nick Cannon: Ha-ha, hell yeah. Just like having 18 kids by 20 different women. I’m losing my head.

Abby: Hey Pat, hey Matt.

Matt: Geez, what’s wrong with you, Abby? Are you on your period or something?

Pat: Nah, she’s probably just upset because she’s adopted.

Nick Cannon: I mean, do I gotta say it?

Mark Summers:  1980.

Nick Cannon: They know, man.

Abby: I have a question. Are you dweebs ever not annoying?

Matt and Pat: I don’t know. [The slime fall on their heads]

Matt: Okay. Alright. Alright.

Pat: A little hard to breathe.

[it’s still pouring on them]

Matt: I know. I feel like you can stop.

Pat: What percent dead are we right now?

Matt: Is it okay to get it in your mouth?

Pat: Go ahead and stop probably. I think we can stop now.

Matt: I feel like you got it at this point.

Pat: Oh, god.

Matt: [yelling] Please, stop. Please!

Nick Cannon: After that episode, the slime time was shortened from six minutes to five seconds.

Mark Summers: Ha-ha. Stay tuned. After the break, we’ll be joined by one of the Petes from the Adventures of Pete and Pete spoiler, it’s Pete.

Nick Cannon: But not that one. Not the one you’re thinking about.

 

Tenant MeetingTenant Meeting

Alex Moffat

Chloe Fineman

Ms. Delessio… Sarah Sherman

Ms. Quincy… Ego Nwodim

Mrs. Wilton… Heidi Gardner

Jamarcus… Chris Redd

Kevin… Mikey Day

Clark… Bowen Yang

Chet Fillmore… Willem Dafoe

Mr. Milos… Aristotle Athari

Tommy… Pete Davidson

Jan Krang… Aidy Bryant

Mr. Carson… Kenan Thompson

Mrs. Baumann… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with tenants having a meeting]

Alex: Okay everyone, welcome to the first tenants Association meeting of 2022. I know we usually have coffee and Dunkin munchkins at these meetings, but I forgot to pick them up.

Punkie: Then why am I even here? Shame on you.

Chloe: Wow, she left. Okay, well, we will now hear tenant complaints and concerns. But remember we are all neighbors in this building. So let’s please keep it civil. Yes, Ms. Delessio from unit 7-E.

Ms. Delessio: [showing a paper] What the hell is this? You raised my maintenance fee up $12 this month.

Alex: We had to fix a leak in the roof.

Ms. Delessio: Well, this just in. I don’t live on the roof, so I’m not paying it.

Alex: We’re just gonna send you another bill. Next Ms. Quincy from 2-F.

Ms. Quincy: Hello. I would like to formally ask the board’s permission to kill my neighbor’s loud, stupid, yappy dog.

Chloe: Obviously permission is denied.

Ms. Quincy: Bitch, I don’t need it. I was asking as a courtesy.

Chloe: Miss Quincy. No. Yes, Mrs. Wilton.

Mrs. Wilton: I am livid. Right now. The laundry machines in this building are a disgrace. I wash my 13 year old son’s socks every week, but a day later, tada, they turn hard is the rock. [banging the table with the sock] Hear that? Hear that? I will go to the news with this if the machines are not fixed. Thank you and goodbye.

Alex: Yikes. Okay, looks like our doorman, Jamarcus wants to say something.

Jamarcus: Hey, folks, hey. This is for all the white tenants. Not all of you, but a lot of you. I’m not sure how it started. But many of you have come to believe my name is Jamarcus. It is not. My name is Robert and I let it slide at first. But it seems like it’s catching on. I want to just nip it in the bud. Thank you.

Chloe: Thank you Jamarcus. Next Kevin and Clark from 8-C?

Kevin: Yes. I have a question. [singing] When is the building talent show?

Clark: Tuesday?

Kevin: What time does it start, I have to know

Clark:5 to midnight.

Kevin:Is there food?

Clark:No.

Kevin:Are there drinks?

Clark: No.

Kevin:Well, who’s performing

Clark:Just so far?

Kevin and Clark:So sign up today

Clark: You were off key.

Kevin: What?

Clark: You were off key!

Kevin: No, Clark! Wait.

Alex: Wow, that should be fun, huh? Okay, next.

Chet Fillmore: For those who don’t know me, I’m Chet Fillmore. I bought the top three floors of this building in 1971 for $1. And I’ve been a pain in the ass ever since. My question is what the hell happened to this city? What’s the danger, man? Was the art? Back in my days, it was all pimps and whores, junkies and perverts all over Time Square. Man, it was great. It goes CBGBs and Iggy Pop would puke on your face and we liked it. Where did that city go, man?

Alex: No idea. And what is your question?

Chet Fillmore: I don’t have one. I just want to be a pain in the ass.

Chloe: Okay, well, thank you Mr. Fillmore. Yes, next.

Melissa: Hi. I just moved to the city. I’m new. I’m loving it. I’m in 5-F, the 300 square foot studio with no toilet and no windows. My question is what is my $600,000 rent due?

Chloe: On the first of the month. And welcome to the building. Next Mr. Milos.

Mr. Milos: Yes sir. Google Translate. [foreign language] feed on us ketosis to hit

Google translate: I need to milk faucet, so make destruction.

Alex: Mr. Milos. I’m sorry, we don’t quite understand.

Mr. Milos: Yes, I start? Thank you so much.

Chloe: No, no, no. Wait. He’s gonna take down another wall. Okay, I see our building super is here with an update on the Rhoden situation. Tommy, how is the rat problem?

Tommy: Bad.

Alex: Okay, thank you Tommy. And next– Sorry, remind me of your name again.

Jan Krang: Jan Krang. J-A-N K-RANG. Unit nine-A. A as in Ana delas armas. And I move that we ban all teens from the building. They gather outside my apartment to have white claws and do 69ers.

Chloe: Ms. Krang, we cannot ban teens from the building, so please give it up. Yes, Mr. Young.

Mr. Young: When will Varizon install the friggin FIOS? It’s been 10 years.

Chloe: They’re working on it sir. Yes, Hello boys, next.

Jeremy: What’s up? What’s good? What’s up? We’re NYU students subletting 11-F. I’m Jeremy. That’s Hunter.

Hunter: What’s good?

Jeremy: So, one of us might have maybe dropped us a small baggie of baking soda in the elevator. If you come across it, please return it to 11-F.

Alex: If it’s what I think it is, it’s going straight in the trash.

Hunter: Douche.

Chloe: Moving on to standing complaints, Mr. Carson the female love making screams are still coming from 5-C every night.

Mr. Carson: Oops.

Alex: Well, can you please ask your guests to keep the volume down?

Mr. Carson: Hey, man, I asked my female guests this is to ship ship but it seems it’s too good.

Alex: Well, I had to ask. Okay, moving on. Oh, no. Mrs. Baumann, is this about the buildings pet policy?

Mrs. Baumann: No.

Alex: All right. Go ahead.

Mrs. Baumann: By the limits on cats per unit must be raised from three to 75. Part one.

Alex: Okay. No, no. Meeting adjourned.

Chloe: Thank you all. Please pick up any trash on your way out. Make the clean up a little easier for Jamarcus.

Jamarcus: Please, god. It’s Robert. Come on, man.