Chris Rock Monologue

Chris Rock

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock!

[The band is playing music] [Chris Rock walks in and to the stage.] [cheers and applause]

Chris Rock: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you all. Hey, hey! I’m so excited. It’s great to be back. Great to be in New York. Great to be at Saturday Night Live. It’s great to be here the day after Halloween. I can’t believe some of y’all made it. [audience laughing] You know, yesterday was Halloween. Tomorrow’s the New York city marathon. Yes, scary.

What could go wrong there, right? New York’s gonna be fine. Just like Boston’s fine after the marathon. That Boston marathon was scary. That was scary, man. I love Boston. I love the people there. But that was probably the most frightening, sadistic, terrorist attack ever. Just think about it. 26 miles. 26 miles! [audience laughing] 26 miles is a long drive. [audience laughing] If you call up one of you friends and say, “Hey, man, I need you to pick me up.” “Where you at?” “About 26 miles away!” “You better get Uber!” 26 miles! People jogging for 26 miles. 26! Their knees are hurting. Their feet are killing them. If you’re a woman, your blood is coming out of your tities. [audience laughing] 26 miles! You’ve been training for a year. You finally get to the finish line and somebody screams, “Run!” Wow!

That is horrible, man! But hey, the good people of Boston bounced back. That’s right. And New York bounced back. That’s right. In New York, we had our own terrorist attack. And we bounced back. That’s right. Now, we got the Freedom Tower. Have you seen the Freedom Tower? You can see it no matter where you at. If you cannot see it from here, then you’re at Connecticut.

Freedom Tower, anywhere you look. They should change that to the Freedom Tower to “Never Going In There Tower.” Because I’m never going in there. [audience laughing] There is no circumstance that will ever get me in that building. Are you kidding me? [cheers and applause] My god! What do they have? Does this building duck? [audience laughing] What are they thinking? Who is the corporate sponsor? Target? [audience laughing] Stop it! In the same spot, they put another skyscraper? What kind of arrogant Floyd Mayweather crap is this? In the same? What businesses are they going to put in the Freedom Tower? They better put some mandatory stuff in there. Stuff that you can’t get out of, like IRS, family court, [audience laughing] DNV. Because if they put sunglass hut in there, it’s going to be empty. [audience laughing] I am never going in the Freedom Tower, man. Are you kidding me? The same spot! Hey, I got robbed in 48th about 20 years ago. I have not been back there. No. I am never going in the Freedom Tower. I don’t care if Scarlett Johansson is butt naked on the 89th floor in a plate of ribs, I’m not going in there. [audience laughing] No, no, no.

People are like, “Come on, man! Don’t joke about the Freedom Tower.” That’s has something to do with 9/11. Hey, I’m not joking about 9/11. I’m not! But you got to realize, we are in America. And in America, there are no sacred days because we commercialize everything. We’re only 5 years away from 9/11 sales. [audience laughing] That’s right, you’re going to hear it on the radio, “Come on down the Red Lobster. These shrimp are $9.11.” That’s right. It doesn’t matter what the holiday is. Martin Luther King day, it’s gotta be the same thing. You’re gonna be watching TV like, “These Toyotas are practically free at last, free at last!” [audience laughing] “These Toyotas are practically free at last.” This MLK birthday, Madias gotta dreams.”

It’s America. We commercialize everything. Look what we did to Christmas. Christmas! Christmas is Jesus’s birthday. It’s Jesus’s birthday. I don’t know Jesus. But from what I’ve read, Jesus is the least materialistic person to ever roam the earth. No bling on Jesus. Jesus kept a low profile and we turned his birthday into the most materialistic day of the year. Matter of fact, we have the Jesus’s birthday season. It’s a whole season of materialism. Then, at the end of the Jesus’s birthday season, we have the nerve to have an economist come on TV and tell you how horrible the Jesus birthday season was this year. “Oh, we had a horrible Jesus’s birthday this year. Hopefully business will pick up by his crucifixion. Yes! [audience laughing]

But you know, you try to help. Jesus tried to help– [cheers and applause] Jesus tried to help. Hey, I tried to help. You get hurt for helping. That’s what happens. I went down to Washington DC for a anti-gun event. Okay? Anti-gun thing at White House. I’m not big anti-gun but I just think there should be some regulations, just in case. The same way I can’t drive any nascar down the street, I shouldn’t be able to have a machine gun in my house across the street from the school, okay? It’s simple, right? [cheers and applause] No, no, no.

I go to this thing and there’s me and a bunch of celebrities. And we speak out against guns. Then I come home and I check out my website. I look at my website and there’s all these threats on there. “I’mma kill you. I’mma put one in your head. I’ll slit your throat. Don’t you dare come between me and my weapon.” And I realized, “Oh, my god! I need a gun!”  [audience laughing] I need a gun. And from that moment on, I said I will never get involved in any charity or cause for the rest of my life. You on your own. I don’t care what disease it is, I don’t care if it’s protecting kids, the environment, I don’t care. If you see me talking about disease, I got it! [audience laughing]

Hey, we got a great show for you tonight. Prince is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

[cheers and applause]

 

Eddie Murphy Monologue

Eddie Murphy

Tracy Morgan

Chris Rock

Dave Chappelle

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Eddie Murphy!

[band playing music] [Eddie Murphy walks to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Audience: Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!

Eddie Murphy: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. It’s great to be back here, finally hosting “Saturday Night Live” for Christmas. [cheers and applause] This is the last episode of 2019, if you’re black, it is the first episode since I left back in 1984. It has been really long time. Here’s actually a picture of me back when I started.

[Cut to old picture of Eddie Murphy] [Cut to Eddie Murphy on stage]

Wow, I look at least five years younger there. You know what they say, money don’t crack. But so much has changed. I just had a new baby incidentally about a year ago. [cheers and applause] I actually have 10 kids now. 11, if you count Kevin Hart. I’m teasing. I love Kevin Hart so much but my kids are my whole life now. And if you would have told me 30 years ago that I would be this boring stay at home, you know, father of 10 house dad and Bill Cosby would be in jail, I would have took that bet. “Who is America’s dad now?” I also have a movie on Netflix called “Dolomite Is My Name.” And we just finished a sequel to “Coming to America” as well. And if you’re wondering why I’ve been working so hard lately, it’s because 10 kids are very expensive.

[Tracy Morgan walks in]

Tracy Morgan: Yo!

Eddie Murphy: Tracy Morgan, ladies and gentlemen.

Tracy Morgan: Welcome home.

Eddie Murphy: Yeah! Its good to be here.

Tracy Morgan: You knew I wasn’t gonna miss this show for all the tea in Arizona. Did you get the sketch I wrote for you?

Eddie Murphy: Oh, yeah. The Jimmy Walker story.

Tracy Morgan: Yeah! It’s called Dy-no-mite Is My Name.

Eddie Murphy: Yeah. I don’t know if we’re going to do that, Dy-no-mite Is My Name.

Tracy Morgan: Well, whatever you need, I got your back. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here. Like, literally, I was conceived on the “Delirious” tour bus.

Eddie Murphy: You know, that math doesn’t really add up.

[Chris Rock walks in]

Chris Rock: He, hey, man.

[cheers and applause]

Eddie Murphy: Chris Rock, ladies and gentlemen. Chris Rock, what are you doing here?

Chris Rock: Common man, I would not miss this show for the world. My kids love Lizzo.

[audience laughing]

Eddie Murphy: Hey! My kids love Lizzo too.

Chris Rock: Okay but, did you get my sketch?

Eddie Murphy: Oh, yeah, that “Law and Order” UTI sketch?

Chris Rock: Yeah, yeah. Instead of ice tea, it’s cranberry juice.

Eddie Murphy: That sounds kind of nasty for a Christmas show.

[Dave Chapelle walks in]

Dave Chappelle: Hey, hey.

[cheers and applause]

Eddie Murphy: Dave Chapelle! Dave Chappelle’s ladies and gentlemen. What a moment. What a moment we’re having.

Dave Chappelle: Well, did you get my sketch?

Eddie Murphy: Oh, yeah!

Dave Chappelle: It’s the one where TI has the drive through gynecology clinic.

Eddie Murphy: I don’t get it.

Dave Chappelle: It’s stupid. He just says stuff like, “I will check your Hammond expeditiously.” You know, I followed your blue print for my entire career.

Eddie Murphy: Did you?

Dave Chappelle: Yeah, yeah. Became the biggest staron television. And then I quit.

Eddie Murphy: Oh, all right. [4 takes a cigarette out and lights it] Hey, I did not know you could smoke on stage.

Dave Chappelle: You can’t.

Eddie Murphy: Oh! See, this is why I came back to “Saturday Night Live,” for moments like this. When was the last time we was all together like this?

Chris Rock: Last Thursday at Sinbad’s house.

Dave Chappelle: Right, man. Oh, you’re looking at half of Netflix’s budget right here.

Chris Rock: Thanks, Netflix.

Eddie Murphy: Thanks, Netflix.

Tracy Morgan: Not me, not me. I made all my money on the road.

Eddie Murphy: You mean touring?

Tracy Morgan: No, I got hit by a truck.

Eddie Murphy: Okay. Well, I’m glad you’re all here to support me. And I appreciate it.

Dave Chappelle: That’s the least we can do, man.

Chris Rock: That’s right. I remember when I got hired, Lorne told me, “You’re gonna be the next Eddie Murphy.” And then a year later, he said, “No, you’re not.”

[Beck Bennett walks in]

Beck Bennett: You said it, Chris Rock. And just to piggy back–

[Kenan Thompson walks in and pushes Beck Bennett away]

Kenan Thompson: No, we’re good on that.

[cheers nd applause]Sorry about that fellas. Please continue.

Chris Rock: Who the hell was that?

Tracy Morgan: Joe Piscopo.

Eddie Murphy: Hey, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Lizzo is here.

[cheers and applause]

I’m back. Don’t turn the channel. We’ll be right back.