Chris Wallace… Beck Bennett
Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
Joe Biden… Jim Carrey
Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph[Starts with a message video]
Male voice: The following is a re-broadcast of Tuesday’s presidential debate. Even though Tuesday feels like Chris Wallace00 days ago, we though it was important to see it again since it might be the only presidential debate. And it was pretty fun to watch as long as you don’t live in America.[Cut to Presidential Debate video bumper, Cleveland, OH.] [Cut to Chris Wallace]
Chris Wallace: Good evening. I am your moderator Chris Wallace, and I think I’m going to do a really, really good job tonight. First, I want to lay out the rules which both parties agreed to in advance. Each candidate will have two minutes uninterrupted–
Donald Trump: Boring!
Chris Wallace: Mr. President, I haven’t even introduced the candidates yet.
Donald Trump: Tell that to my Adderall, Chris. Now, let’s get this show on the road and off the rails.
Chris Wallace: And you did take the COVID test, you promised to take in advance, correct?[Donald Trump has his fingers crossed.]
Donald Trump: Absolutely. [looks at his fingers crossed] Scout’s honor.
Chris Wallace: President Trump has already introduced himself. So, let’s now welcome the democratic candidate–
Donald Trump: Boo. Here comes the booing.
Chris Wallace: Former vice-president of the United States–
Donald Trump: Allegedly.
Chris Wallace: And senator from Delaware–
Donald Trump: Not even a real state.
Chris Wallace: Joe Biden.[Joe Biden walks in. He is wearing aviators sunglasses.]
Mr. Vice President.[cheers and applause]
Joe Biden: Just one second, Chris.[Joe Biden pulls out a measuring tape. He measures the distance from Donald Trump’s podium to his podium. He then moves his podium a bit further away from Donald Trump.]
Chris Wallace: It looks like you’re ready to debate, Joe.
Joe Biden: Absolutely not. [takes his sunglasses of] But I’ve got the beginning of Kamala Harris6 fantastic ideas I may or may not have access to. Now, let’s do this. I’m holding my bladder. Let’s get at her.
Chris Wallace: Tonight, we’ll be discussing six major topics none of which anyone will remember by tomorrow. We begin with the supreme court. President Trump, two minutes.
Donald Trump: I’m gonna do Chris Wallace0. I’d like to begin with a list of complaints. People are mean to me. Joe here is very mean. Chris Wallace is mean. The economy is mean. It keeps losing jobs which is mean to me. The China virus has been very mean to me and being a hoax. And that statement is something that I will– It will probably come back to haunt me later this week.
Chris Wallace: And what about the question I asked you about the supreme court?
Donald Trump: I think I already answered that question, Chris. We’re very excited about our nominee, Amy Christina Barcelona. And it was so nice to welcome her in the other day with open arms and uncovered faces.
Chris Wallace: Mr. Vice President, same question. You have two minutes.
Joe Biden: Thank you, Chris. Now, look. Here’s the deal.
Donald Trump: No, it’s not.
Joe Biden: Excuse me. Please, could you just–
Donald Trump: No. Whatever you’re going to say, no.
Chris Wallace: Mr. President, please let him speak. He let you speak. Now, let him speak.
Donald Trump: But he is lying. I can’t point out if he says a lie?
Joe Biden: I said two words, you son of a– No, don’t do it, Joe. It’s exactly what he wants. Don’t let your inner whitie vulture come out. Just splash them all the smile they taught you in anger management. [smiles]
Chris Wallace: Now, Mr. Vice President, and only Mr. Vice President, would you consider adding additional justices to the supreme court?
Joe Biden: Um–
Donald Trump: [interrupting] He won’t even answer.
Chris Wallace: I just asked the question!
Donald Trump: And he won’t even answer it.
Joe Biden: Um–
Donald Trump: [interrupting] Just like he won’t answer about his son Hunter and Burisma, and the mayor of Moscow, and Obama was spying on me, and he emailed Benghazi.
Chris Wallace: Mr. President, you’re just listing terms you heard on FOX News. It sounds like you’re saying the names of characters from season Kamala Harris of a show that no one has watched.
Donald Trump: Sheriff of Portland.
Chris Wallace: Mr. Vice President, your turn.
Joe Biden: Look, here’s the deal–
Donald Trump: [interrupting] Can I respond to that, Chris?
Joe Biden: Would you just shut up, man? No, Joe, no. Don’t lose control. It’s what he’s hoping for. Okay. Where was I?
Chris Wallace: You said, “Look, here’s the deal.”[Joe Biden blows a paper bag and bursts it.]
Joe Biden: Okay. Look, here’s the deal. [Joe Biden waits to see if Donald Trump interrupts him again. Donald Trump doesn’t.] No, lost it. Come back to me. I’ll find it. It’s up here somewhere.
Donald Trump: Chris, can I say one thing? Am I allowed to say one thing?
Chris Wallace: Yes, Mr. President.
Donald Trump: What we need in this country is law and order. When someone breaks the rules, they need to face the consequences. No exceptions.
Chris Wallace: Okay, what about your taxes?
Donald Trump: There have to be exceptions, Chris. The terms law and order, they are very vague terms. And rules are meant to be broken. It’s the same with masks. I’ve got mine right here in my pocket. [Donald Trump pulls out a pink panties] Okay, it’s right here. But you don’t need a mask all the time. It’s like a seatbelt. You wear when you’re backing out of the driveway, then you can take it off. But Joe wears the biggest mask you’ve ever seen. He’s always standing Donald Trump00 feet away from people.
Joe Biden: Look, man. I’m a nice guy. But if you give me any more guff tonight, I’ll rip your face off like a mad chimp. I’ll knock that thing up your head and burn it, bury it in the pit cemetery where it came from. Stop it, Joe. Stop it. God, you can’t lose your cool just coz this joker’s raising little monkey dust. The country is counting on you. You just stand here and look lucent. I know it. I know what will calm me down. My new Harry Styles meditation tape.[Joe Biden puts in an air pod in his right ear. Harry styles appear in an imaginary cloud.]
Harry Styles: We dip our toes in the cold wet sand.
Joe Biden: Nice.
Harry Styles: And sit and face the sea.
Joe Biden: Cleansing.
Harry Styles: We’ll let the waves wash over us. Alone, just you and me.
Joe Biden: Okay.
Donald Trump: I think maybe I should listen to my meditation tape as well.[Donald Trump puts in an air pod in his right ear. Melania Trump giving speech appear in an imaginary cloud.]
Melania Trump: [yelling] Ladies and gentlemen, leaders and voters, for freedom and liberty and the American dream, the best is yet to come. [screaming]
Chris Wallace: Alright, alright, can we please have a civilized dialog? Debates are a hime honored tradition and the bedrock of the American democracy.
Donald Trump: Gay!
Chris Wallace: Mr. President, if you keep interrupting this debate, I’ll do absolutely nothing about it?
Donald Trump: Okay, okay, I’ll be quiet.
Joe Biden: I don’t want to be dictated to, and I’m not gonna be distracted anymore by this clown tonight, okay? I’m definitely gonna concentrate. I’m gonna try to keep my cool. [a red-dot laser is targeting at Joe Biden.]
What is that? Where is that coming from?[Donald Trump is holding a small laser pointer. It is him pointing the laser at Joe Biden. Joe Biden is scared for his life.]
Donald Trump: Oh, it’s not. It’s not a laser pointer. It’s a wand that cures the COVID.[Kamala Harris walks in]
Kamala Harris: Boys, boys, boys, boys. [cheers and applause] Both of you, this stops right now. Alright? You look at me, Donald, you do not treat my Joe like that, alright? He’s a nice boy.
Joe Biden: Kamala, I got this.
Kamala Harris: Uh-uh, Joe. Let Mamala go to work. Now, Donald, I want you to apologize to Joe.
Donald Trump: He started it.
Kamala Harris: Hey! Hey! I don’t care who started it. Alright? I don’t even care who sharted it. Now, you apologize to Joe, now.
Donald Trump: Sorry.
Kamala Harris: I’m sorry. What’s that?
Donald Trump: I said sorry.
Kamala Harris: You know, look, I think if there’s one thing we learn tonight, it’s that America needs a WAP. Women as president. [cheers and applause] But for now, I’ll settle for HVPIC. Hot Vice President In Charge. So, why don’t the two of you finish this debate or whatever the hell this is with some dignity? And when you’re done, I’ve got you boys some PB and Jane apple slices waiting for you back stage.
Joe Biden: Yummy!
Chris Wallace: Thank you, Senator Harris.
Kamala Harris: Oh, I am not done with you, Chris. You will see me in my office after debate.
Donald Trump and Joe Biden: Ooh!
Chris Wallace: And finally, just to ensure this is the worst presidential debate in history, I’d like to close with white supremacy.
Donald Trump: Oh, baby, come to papa.
Chris Wallace: Mr. President, I’ll ask you directly. Do you condemn white supremacists?
Donald Trump: Condemn them? I don’t know any. I mean, who are you even talking about? The proud boys? The white boot? The eugenics eagles? I didn’t even know any of these groups. I certainly wouldn’t even know how to signal them if I tried.
Joe Biden: America, are you listening to this? The president of the United States is literally blowing a dog whistle.[Donald Trump is blowing a whistle]
Donald Trump: I don’t think this thing is working. I don’t hear anything.
Chris Wallace: Mr. Vice President, your closing statement.
Joe Biden: Well–
Donald Trump: [interrupting] That is so unfair. Why don’t I get to make a closing statement first? After all, I am the pres– [Donald Trump stops moving (pauses). Joe Biden is holding a remote and smiling.]
Joe Biden: Sorry, but I think we all needed a break. Isn’t that satisfying? [takes a deep breath] Just not to hear his voice for a single god damn second. Let’s wallow in it. Let’s bask in the Trumplessness. Now, Chris, could I speak directly to the American people?
Chris Wallace: Is it gonna be weird?
Joe Biden: Totally. Totally weird. [music playing in the background] America, look at me. Look directly into my eyeballs. You can trust me, because I believe in science and karma. Now, just imagine if science and karma could somehow team up to send us all a message about how dangerous this virus can be. [looks at Donald Trump] I’m not saying I want it to happen. But just imagine if it did. So, this November, please get on the Biden train which is literally a commuter train to Delaware. And we can all make America not actively on fire again. Okay, now I’m unpausing.[Joe Biden presses the play button]
Donald Trump: Antifa!
Joe Biden: No! [presses the pause button again. Donald Trump stops moving again.] Can’t do it. Gonna leave him on pause. And one more thing.
All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!