Tag: Christina

Hillary Clinton Election Video Cold Open

Christina… Venessa Bayer

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

[Starts with The Clinton Residence, Chappaqua, New York.]

Christina: Okay, tomorrow’s the big day, Mrs. Clinton.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton in the Clinton Residence.]

[cheers and applause]

You’re finally going to announce that you’re running for president.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, my gosh! I don’t know if I have it in me. I’m scared. I’m kidding. Let’s do this. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton]

Christina: [laughing] Oh, Hillary, you put the hill in hilarious. [Cut to Christina] Now, since we’re announcing your candidacy via social media, we thought it would be fun if you’d actually film the video yourself, on your own phone. [Christina pulls out an old generation mobile phone] That way it seems more personal and intimate.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Personal and intimate, yes. I better take off this jacket then.

[Hillary Clinton opens her coat.]

Christina: That’s much better. Now, I want you to do some vocal warm ups and then we’ll get started.

[Hillary Clinton is taking deep breaths.]

Hillary Clinton: Okay. Love to.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

[clears throat]

Hillary’s a granny with a twinkle in her eye.

Hillary’s a granny and she makes an apple pie.

First female president. First female president. Me, me, me, me, me, me.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton]

Christina: Graet, Mrs. Clinton. Okay, now hold up your phone. And you can just look natural.

Hillary Clinton: Okay.

[Cut to Hillary’s selfie video. She is making aggressive teeth face.]

Christina: Maybe, you wanna soften a little.

[Hillary Clinton closes her mouth a little]

Okay, a little more.

[Now, Hillary Clinton is just smiling]

Okay, maybe a lot more.

[Hillary Clinton is pouting]

Great, and action!

Hillary Clinton: [aggressive again] Citizens, you will elect me. I will be your leader.

Christina: Okay, great. [Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton] Let’s stop there.

Hillary Clinton: Okay. Okay.

Christina: Ma’am. I think you may be coming off. It’s just a little hard.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, shoot! What part?

Christina: Sort of, all of it. But that’s okay. Let’s try again. And remember, you said this new campaign is not about you, it’s about the people. So, let’s try one where you don’t say I or even your own name.

Hillary Clinton: Okay. Oh, that will be easy. Got it.

[Cut to selfie video of Hillary Clinton]

Hello, it is I, Hillary Clinton.

Christina: Let’s stop again.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton]

You said ‘I’ and you full name immediately.

Hillary Clinton: Yes, oh shit! I did!

Christina: Yes, but don’t worry. We’ll just delete that one up your phone.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Know a thing or two about that, right?

[Christina and Hillary Clinton laugh]

Oh, Christina, meet my hand in the air.

[Hillary Clinton gives her hand for a high-five.]

Christina: Okay.

[They high-five]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you so much. Yes. Good, good.

Christina: Okay, let’s keep going. This time, maybe focus in all that you’ve done for women’s rights.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, okay. That’s good.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton’s selfie video]
Hillary Clinton: I am running because I want to be a voice for women everywhere.

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: Did someone say women everywhere?

[cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, Bill. Hello, Bill. Ha-ha-ha.

Bill Clinton: Hillary would make a great President. And I would make an ever greater First Dude.

Hillary Clinton: Thank you Bill. It’s nice.

Bill Clinton: Hillary, isn’t it crazy that phones can take videos now?

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Bill Clinton: I mean, if they could have done that in the 90s, I’d be in jail.

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Great Bill. I love jokes about that.

[Hillary Clinton pushes Bill Clinton away]

Bill Clinton: Okay. I get it. This election is about you. I don’t want to hold your limelight. I am leaving. Look at me go. Bye, I’m gone.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Hillary Clinton: Aren’t we such a fun approachable dynasty?

Christina: Alright, um… [Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton] you know what? Let’s refocus on your candidacy. And remember, the new Hillary is humble and gracious.

Hillary Clinton: Yes, got it.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton’s selfie video]

I know this election season won’t be easy. I’m sure I will face some stiff competition from my fellow democrats. People like Martin O’Malley who could really give me a run [starts laughing] I’m sorry I broke. It’s too funny. Martin O’Malley instead of me. He sounds like a Simpsons character. Aha-ha-ha-ha. Okay. Let me keep going. At the end of the day, America, you deserve a leader who cares about you. And that is why I would make a great president.

[Bill Clinton walks in again]

Bill Clinton: And surprise, I will be her VP. And if anything happens to her… god forbid, I will happily be president of the United States again. It will be Bill Clinton II, bigger and blacker.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, buddy! Bill, Bill!

Bill Clinton: Alright, okay.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Hillary Clinton: He’s joking, America. My vice president of course will be me.

Christina: Okay. [Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton] Ma’am! Once again, you can’t be your own vice president.

Hillary Clinton: We will see about that.

Christina: Well, let’s just jump to the end of the speech, okay?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton’s selfie video]

Hillary Clinton: In closing, I am so excited for the next chapter in American history. And I promise that with Hillary Clinton in charge, it will be a brand new White House.

[Bill Clinton walks in again, this time playing a sax.]

Oh, who am I kidding? Buckle up America, coz the Clintons are back! And live from New York

Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton: It’s Saturday Night!

Weekend Update: Astronaut Anne McClain | Season 44 Episode 16

Michael Che

Ann McClain… Aidy Bryant

Christina … Melissa villaseñor

Nick… Beck Bennett

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Earlier this week two female astronauts on the International Space Station were set to make history with the first ever all-female space walk, but it was canceled by NASA because there was only one space suit that could fit a woman. Here to comment is the female astronaut who did not get to space walk, Ann McClain.

[Ann McClain joins Michael Che]

Ann McClain: Hi there! Hello. Hi.

Michael Che: So this has got to be disappointing for you.

Ann McClain: [Sounding very upset] No. No, not at all. [Cut to Ann McClain] I’m practical. I get it. Only one woman suit, so Christina did the space walk with my colleague Nick and they swam in the stars and they know what it is to be god looking down on to earth and me inside the window and it’s all okay.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: Well, from the way you’re talking, it sounds like you’re a little upset.

Ann McClain: Nope, nope.

Michael Che: Because it’s still a major accomplishment to go to space.

Ann McClain: Oh, totally, yes. [Cut to Ann McClain] I worked my whole life, flew 1,600 hours. You know, became helicopter pilot. Did 216 combat missions in the United States army and got two masters degrees in Aerospace Engineering. But then space shirt and pants were the wrong size. So unfortunately the dream gotta die.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: But you still got to go space.  You just didn’t get to do the spacewalk.

Ann McClain: Yeah, I got to go to space. [Cut to Ann McClain] I got to do all of the chill stuff like being shot into the sky like a bullet on fire. And then once I got there, I got to eat all the stake dust. You konw, be wizzing in my tube. And you know, the business of space.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: It’s okay to be a little mad. I think most people here who know that’s unfair.

Ann McClain: I’m not mad at all. I’m not mad. You know, they can make a special space suit for a dog or a special space suit for a monkey, but a human girl, only one get to be moon queen. And so, yeah, I’m actually happy as hell!

Michael Che: Happy as hell? Really?

[Cut to Ann McClain]

Ann McClain: Yeah! Even got the happy tears. And the cool thing about crying in space, Michael, is that your tears keep floating around hours after you cry them.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: Well, this is actually exciting. We have the live feed from the space walk right now.

Ann McClain: Wow, and nobody told me that was going to happen. But excited.

Michael Che: Do we have them yet? [Cut to live video of Nick and Christina in space] Hey, guys, how is it going out there?

Christina: It’s amazing. Truly gorgeous to see that big, blue marvle. Really makes my multiple tours at Palmer station and Artica worth it.

Nick: And I’m Nick!

Ann McClain: I’m so happy for my friends!

Nick: This is my fifth space walk. It’s almost a chore at this point. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Ann McClain]

Ann McClain: And I do love hearing that! Wow, but  to all of my little girls out there, I just want to say you can all become astronauts, just not at the same time.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: Ann McClain everybody.

Ann McClain: It’s good. She gone.

Michael Che: Wekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

[Colin Jost joins]

Colin Jost : I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.