Trump Rally Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Raquel… Chloe Fineman

Christine… Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Lindsay Graham… Kate McKinnon

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

President Erdogan… Fred Armisen

[Starts with a video clip of Trump’s rally in Albuquerque, New Mexico.] [Cheers and applause] [Cut to Donald Trump on his speech podium.]

Donald Trump: Hello and hello, New Mexico. By far, my favorite Mexico. So great to be here in the great city of Albacore, Tuna, Capital of the United States. I came back for a surprise rally because I heard they’re building a wall on the border of Colorado to keep the New Mexicans out. Can we bring out the map. Please?

[Raquel bring out a funny map]

As you can see, most of American is good. Except for the parts that are bad or lakes. I mean, what if we had put California in the ocean? Thank you, Raquel. Raquel is a former Miss Teen USA and our current secretary of energy.

[Raquel leaves]

As you know, my lying impeachment inquiry continues. And what is it really, folks?

Audience: A witch hunt!

Donald Trump: And there was absolutely no?

Audience: No collusion.

Donald Trump: No, the new one. There was no –

Audience: Quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: That’s right. No quid bro code. These democrats led by Adam Shifty-Schiff, he’s a real Schiff-head. It’s a deep-state conspiracy, and tonight I would like to bring up some of my loyal followers to explain what’s really happening in this country. First up, we have Christine from Los Crusas.

[Christine walks in wearing a shirt that says “Keem America Great Again.”]

Christine: Yes, I am. And I’m proud you asked me up here.

Donald Trump: I think you have a couple of typos on that shirt.

Christine: No, this was taken verbatim from one of your tweets, therefore it’s correct. The words need to change, because you said so, sir!

Donald Trump: Okay, explain to everyone what the dems are doing with this impeachment.

Christine: This man is under attack. It’s deep state lizard conspiracy. And everyone’s in on it. The CIA, the FBI, the MIC, the KEY and the M-O-U-S-E.

Donald Trump: Okay, thank you.

Christine: No, thank you, sir!

[Christine leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, okay. Who’s next? Who’s next.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: I am, sir. I’m with the bikers for Trump. And if they try to get rid of you, all of us bikers, we’re going to ride.

Donald Trump: What if they don’t try to get rid of me?

Mikey: We’re going to ride. Kind of the only thing we do.

Donald Trump: Right. And do you know why they’re doing this to me?

Mikey: I do, sir, because I watched it in a news machine. All this man did was shake down a foreign government to get dirt on his political enemy. I mean, is that wrong?

Audience: Yes!

Donald Trump: No, no, no, the answer is no.

Audience: Sorry, no!

Donald Trump: I forgive you. I forgive you. Here are some snickers and Juul pods.

[Raquel comes in to distribute snickers and Juul pods]

Mikey: Yeah, ha-ha!

Donald Trump: You’re welcome.

Mikey: Sir, I love you, and I don’t care what they say, I know it’s big.

[Mikey leaves]

Donald Trump: Let’s give another person up here, please.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Yes. Yes, hello. I love you. And I worship you as the one true white lord!

Donald Trump: Thank you. What kind of real news have you heard out there?

Aidy: Oh, yeah, well, I heard that if you read the title of Michelle Obama’s “Becoming” backwards, it spells Me Mock Ebb, which I looked up in a witch thesaurus, and it’s a synonym for another witch word, SNART . And if you spell SNART backwards, that spells TRANS. So, yes! They’re coming for us.

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s a very smart point. You see, my father loved books except the new one anonymous book about me called “A Warning”. My lawyers told me not to say this, but if I find out who the author is , I’m going to shoot them in the face.

Aidy: And I would be honored if you use my gun.

[Aidy gives Donald Trump a gun]

Donald Trump: Oh, no, no, no. Thank you for coming.

[Donald Trump is pushing Aidy away]

Aidy: Well, the earth is flat and Beyonce is white!

[Aidy leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, who’s next? You, sir, please.

[Pete comes in]

Pete: Oh, thank you.

Donald Trump: So great to see a young Trump supporter.

Pete: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Mr. president. Thank you.

Donald Trump: And where are you from? New Mexico?

Pete: Isis! Yeah, I was a prisoner in Syria until last week when you freed me, so, I just wanted to say, thank you for bringing jobs back to ISIS. And I promise that I will make ISIS great again! Whoo!

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Terrific. What that great guy. ISIS is back in a big, big way. Folks, and we love that, don’t we? Okay. But, wait, who’s coming up now? Did security vet this guy?

[Lindsay Graham comes in]

Lindsay Graham: Mr. President, you know me. I’m Lindsey Graham.

Donald Trump: Lindsey, I’m so sorry. I thought you were a scoop of ice cream melting into a suit.

Lindsay Graham: I’m sweating profusely all the time. Even my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me.

Donald Trump: I have to thank you and the republicans for always defending me.

Lindsay Graham: Well, I am a true Southerner and I stand by my man.

Donald Trump: Well, thank you for coming. Sir?

Lindsay Graham: May I do a quick Soliloquy.

Donald Trump: Sure. Knock yourself out.

Lindsay Graham: Okay. [Cut to Lindsay Graham] [Sad music playing] I was always a shy child. I kept to myself mostly. My only friends were my glass elves. My Mamma said, go to typing school, so you can catch yourself a good husband, but I’m just so terribly shy. With my glass animals.

[Cut to Lindsay Graham and donald Trump] [Lindsay Graham leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you. This is rare at my rallies. We’ve got someone from the tech world too in congress, in these congressional hearings, he got his ass completely owned by AOC. Which means he’s one of us now. Please welcome Mark Zuckerberg.

[Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hello. Project. Eye contact. Friendly laugh. Ha!

Donald Trump:  Mark, I want to thank Facebook for running our Russian campaign for us.

Mark Zuckerberg: Ha! Facebook isn’t pro-Russia, it’s just not anti-Russia. Ha!

Donald Trump: I’m sure that nuance will really register with the people.

Mark Zuckerberg: Look, Facebook only cares about the truth. That’s why we’ve created an independent fact-checking review broad that’s extremely rigorous.

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Oh, yeah, I’m on that. It’s dope. I let everything through.

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Zuckman!

Mark Zuckerberg: Angry dab!

[Mark Zuckerberg leaves]

Donald Trump: And this gentlemen has been waiting patiently, all night to say something. Yes, sir, please come up here.

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: Yes, hello, America.

Donald Trump: Bill Clinton, everybody! Why are you—Bill, why are you at a Trump Rally?

Bill Clinton: Is that what this is? I just followed the party. But, man, I wish I would have known that a president could be on the road like this, doing rallies. Can you imagine? Oh, my lord, I would never come home.

Donald Trump: But, Bill, you know I’m getting impeached, right?

Bill Clinton: You are? You dirty dog.

Donald Trump: No, no, it’s not for that. They don’t mind when I do that. Trust me.

Bill Clinton: Well, that is progress.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay. Okay, thanks, Bill. I want to bring up a new friend of mine. President Erdogan of Turkey.

[President Erdogan walks in]

President Erdogan: It’s so great to see you, Donald. Come on, give it Turkey some gravy. Ha-ha.  Don’t worry, we’re treating the kurds really well.

Donald Trump: Great stuff. Erdogan and I are such good friends now.

President Erdogan: Yes, it’s like when Franco and Mussolini would take vacations together.

Donald Trump: Of course. Some people like our generals or the generals, as I call them, are mad that we pulled out of Syria.

President Erdogan: Usually people are mad when you don’t pull out. \

Donald Trump: The guy’s incredible. But, again, I have nothing to gain financially from this decision.

President Erdogan: Now, how would he profit from this? He’s a terrible business man and very poor.

Donald Trump: Well, no, actually, I’m rich.

President Erdogan: Yeah, right, you only have one, 100 billion?

Donald Trump: Well, Not exactly, but it’s definitely billions.

President Erdogan: He’s being modest. I’m sure it’s more than that. Show them your tax returns.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for stopping by.

President Erdogan: And we’re still working on getting that dirt on Biden, but I wanted to throw out that we could just make him disappear.

Donald Trump: No, no, we don’t want to do that.

President Erdogan: Are you sure? It’s nothing big, went do it all the time?

Donald Trump: No, no, no, but it’s so nice of you to offer, really.

President Erdogan: Okay, then turn the oven off, because this turkey’s done.

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”

Exam | Season 44 Episode 17

Christine… Cecily Strong

Mr. Willis… Kit Harrington

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha… Leslie Jones

Marcus… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Christine and Mr. Willis in Operation room of clinic]

Christine: So, you must be Mr. Willis. Are you here for your examination?

Mr. Willis: Yeah. Honestly I’m a little nervous. It’s not my favorite thing to do.

Christine: I don’t blame you. But as we say around the office, you can’t put a price tag on colorectal health.

Mr. Willis: Oh, that’s true. Where would you hang it?

Christine: Oh, that’s really true. And you’re comfortable with a female doctor, right?

Mr. Willis: Yea, I’ll be facing the other way so I guess it doesn’t matter.

Christine: You’re funny. That’s refreshing.

Mr. Willis: Yeah! Well, thanks for making me feel more comfortable. Hey, would you want to go out sometime?

[Cut to Christine]

Christine: You mean after your anal exam? Sure. I mean, if we don’t find anything serious.

[Cut to Christine and Mr. Willis]

Mr. Willis: Wow, I guess knock on wood, right? So how do you need me?

Christine: Oh, no, I’m not the doctor.

Mr. Willis: What? You’re not?

[Dr. Yvonne De Marsha walks in]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Hello. I’m Dr. Yvonne De Marsha.

Mr. Willis: Oh! Dr. De Marsha?

Christine: Yes, Dr. De Marsha is one of the leading colorectal surgeons in all of Arizona, excluding Phoenix.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Uh-huh. There’s a few in Phoenix that blow me out of the water.

Mr. Willis: So, do you need me to bend over?

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Baby, I just need a clear view of the sugar bowl.

[Cut to Yvonne De Marsha an Mr. Willis]

Mr. Willis: I couldn’t help but notice your nails. [Her nails are very long and have shiny stones attached to them]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Oh, you like these?

Mr. Willis: Yes, but how does that work? You just pop them off before the exam?

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Excuse me, do these look like press-on nails? I grew these, you looking at six years of my life.

Mr. Willis: I’m not questioning you, I’m just not picturing how this is going to work.

[Cut to Christine]

Christine: Look, outside of Phoenix, Dr. De Marsha is the best.

[Cut to Christine and Dr. Yvonne De Marsha. Dr. Yvonne De Marsha dropped a tool because she can’t grab it because of her nails.]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: You’re going to have to sterilize that, Christine.

[Cut to Christine]

Christine: It’s like we always say around the office, a great driver can drive a bus through Shanghai without knocking over a single Chinese lantern. [Cut to Christine and Dr. Yvonne De Marsha. Dr. Yvonne De Marsha is trying to open a can of Fanta.] Do you need help opening that pineapple Fanta, Dr. De Marsha?

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: No, I got it, girl. [Dr. Yvonne De Marsha hits the can with her nail and opens it] [Dr. Yvonne De Marsha takes a sip of Fanta and starts dancing] [Singing] Fanta, Fanta. All right. [Cut to Dr. Yvonne De Marsha and Mr. Willis] Okay, let’s get down to the gritty and your nitty.

Mr. Willis: Whoa, whoa. I’m just worried you’re going to lose one of those crystals.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Crystals? Are you insane? [Cut to Dr. Yvonne De Marsha] These are diamonds. Mama don’t do crystals. Almost got 20 carats on all my hands. What you think, I’m a foot doctor? Can you believe that, Christine? He said crystals.

[Cut to everybody]

Christine: I guess he’s trippin’. You need your gloves?

[Cut to Dr. Yvonne De Marsha and Christine]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: And ruin my nails? Oh, no thank you.

Mr. Willis: Yeah, I should go. [Mr. Willis tries to leave]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Look, look, you need this. Let me get your legs.

[Dr. Yvonne De Marsha and Christine are trying to make Mr. Willis stay forcefully]

Mr. Willis: No, no!

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: No, this will be over in a minute.

Christine: I’m going to hold your hand.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Relax! Marcus get here!

[Marcus comes in and tries to hold Mr. Willis]

Marcus: Dude, give up!

Mr. Willis: I have to tell you something!

[Everybody leaves Mr. Willis]

Marcus: You’re strong.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: You are so strong.

Mr. Willis: I am your boss.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: What?

Marcus: Who?

Christine: What did you say?

Mr. Willis: I am the Chief Executive Officer of this clinic’s chain.

Christine: Eric Fordman?

Marcus: Who?

Mr. Willis: You’re on Undercover Boss. [The camera comes to confront]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Oh, my god!

Mr. Willis: I just wanted to commend you on all your exemplary work. Dr. De Marsha, you weren’t going to let me leave the office because you knew how vital colorectal health is.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Yes, I did.

Mr. Willis: Christine, you flirted with me just enough to make me want to stay. You’re a good nurse. And Marcus, and you twisted my body into the entry position, good job.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Good job!

Mr. Willis: My only note is for this kind of exam, you don’t need to push the patient’s legs over their head.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: That is a good note. That is a good note.

Mr. Willis: Now, how about we do that exam?

[Mr. Willis gets ready for the exam himself]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Woo!

Maurice | Season 44 Episode 8

Son… Chris Redd

Margaret… Leslie Jones

Maurice… Kenan Thompson

Daughter… Ego Nwodim

Christine… Halsey

Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a family having dinner at an expensive restaurant]

Son: Dad, thanks for taking us out to dinner. But this looks a little expensive.

Margaret: Yes, Maurice. This is too much. [Cut to Margaret and Maurice] You just got laid off.

Maurice: Well, I’m resourceful Margaret. I’m not worried about that. I’ve been freelancing.

[Cut to Daughter, Christine and Son]

Daughter: A freelance mailman?

Alex Moffat: Hey, I was at the bar and I just wanted to say [Cut to Maurice, Margaret and Alex] I’m a really big fan.

Maurice: Well, that is very sweet.

Alex Moffat: Thanks for keeping us guessing.

Maurice: You’re welcome. I like to keep it fresh. [Alex leaves]

Margaret: Maurice. Where does that man know you from?

Maurice: Well, from my new side gig, I got a cam fans only account.

[Cut to Son and Christine]

Christine: Cam fans only? Sir, I don’t think you are thinking of the right thing.

Son: Yeah, dad. That’s like an amateur porn subscription site.

Christine: Sir, cam fans only is for thirsty gays who spread their butt cheeks online for like 10 bucks a month.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Yeah, that’s the one. You guys, get this garlic bread away from me. You know how I get.

[Cut to Son and Christine]

Son: Hold on! Dad, you’re saying that you shake your booty for a bunch of dudes online?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Well no, I don’t shake. I present. Yeah. That site makes me feel beautiful and in control of my body.

Margaret: Maurice, you show your ass just for just $10 a month?

Maurice: Well, I got 10,000 plus subscribers Margaret, and they each pay $10.

Margaret: $10,000? [Cut to everybody][Margaret starts to calculate] Wait a minute, let me see how much it is. That’s 10 plus. No, 10 times—[Margaret is shocked by the result] ooh! You kids need to be more supportive of your daddy’s small business.

[Cut to Son and Christine]

Christine: You don’t care that your Maurice is exposing himself for money?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice. Kyle Mooney walks to Maurice.]

Kyle Mooney: Hey. I loved how you sat on that cake real slow. But then edit it so it looked even slower.

Maurice: Thank you, very much, but I am having dinner with my family. So we would like little privacy.

Margaret: But we appreciate your subscription. Tell your friends.

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Christine: Okay, hold on. What’s your user name on this thing. Like, hungry bottom? Thirsty bottom? Maybe daddy bubble butt?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: It’s Maurice Abraham Henderson.

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Daughter: Where do you even do this?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Mostly on the kitchen counter.

Margaret: Wait a minute, Maurice. We just got new counters.

Maurice: Well that’s why I put down a towel.

Margaret: Which one? Which towel Maurice?

Maurice: The red one.

Margaret: Oh, Maurice. That’s my good dish towel. I’ve been drying my dishes with your ass towel?

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Christine: I think the sanitary thing to do would be to get him a show towel.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Well, that would mean the world to me.

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Daughter: Dad, I have friends that were models and got on that website and ended up being escorts.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Margaret: Oh, but did they make more money that way, though?

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Christine: You know what, I was quick to judge Mr. Henderson, but you’re growing. You deserve your own towel.

Daughter: No, no. Shh. Hold on with that, okay. My brain is scrambled right now. I’m trying to wrap my mind around how the dad who raised me, the daddest dad of them all, is on his knees on the kitchen counter over a towel, not shaking his butt, no, no, no, but slow descending it into a cake.

[Cut to Maurice]

Maurice: Well, I’m having a viral moment. Why can’t you be happy for me?

[Cut to Son]

Son: It’s just a whole lot, dad.

[Cut to Maurice]

Maurice: I could be on Ellen.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Ellen don’t do nasty, dad.

[Cut to Maurice]

Maurice: Are we forgetting that there was a cake involved. It’s not nasty, it’s beautiful.

[Cut to Christine checking her phone]

Christine: Mr. Henderson. You are on the home page. [Cut to everybody] You are the featured performer.

Maurice: Oh my god.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Margaret: Baby, we did it. Next stop Ellen.

[Cut to everybody]

Christine: I will make the cake. What flavor do you want to sit on?

Maurice: Red-velvet.

Mr. Tumnus | Season 44 Episode 11

Mr. Tumnus… James McAvoy

Christine… Cecily Strong

Tova… Aidy Bryant

Rebecca… Kate McKinnon

Edmond… Alex Moffat

[Starts with intro of the show]

Narrator: And now the chronicles of Narnia, return to Narnia.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus playing flute in his house] [Door knocks]

Mr. Tumnus: Oh, my goodness, who could that be?

[Mr. Tumnus walks to the door and opens it] [There’s Christine outside the door]

Christine: Oh, my god, Mr. Tumnus, is this real? I’m in freaking Narnia meeting Mr. Tumnus.

[Christine slowly walks in]

Mr. Tumnus: Surprise visitor. Very nice. Please sit.

Christine: Okay, this is happening.

Mr. Tumnus: I’m sorry. Have we met before?

[Mr. Tumnus and Christine both sit down]

Christine: No. I mean yes. Okay. Re-do. [Cut to Christine] Hi, I’m Christine. Big fan. I’m staying at an Air B&B and I guess I went through wardrobe and I walked for five hours until I found you. Mr. Tumnus, I watched “The lion, the witch and the wardrobe” in the seventh grade and you’ve become my Back Street boy.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]

Mr. Tumnus: I see. I was your girlhood crush, correct? Let me guess, it was my nonthreatening masculinity. I’m sort of jacked but still, in a little bit of a British way.

[Cut to Christine and Mr. Tumnus]

Christine: Yes. I would draw you and I would take liberties. Does that make sense?

Mr. Tumnus: Yes. That tracks, actually. So, tell me about yourself.

[Cut to Christine]

Christine: Oh, I run a tea shop that sells vaginal teas. But not my career. Look at your hairy legs. [Cut to Christine and Mr. Tumnus] Who are you? Me? Because I stopped trying years ago? This is going well, I can tell.

[The door knocks] [Mr. Tumnus stands and walks towards the door]

Tova: Christine? Christine?

Mr. Tumnus: Someone’s at the door. They must be looking for you Christine.

[Mr. Tumnus opens the door. Tova and Rebecca walk in.]

Tova: Oh, my god.

Rebecca: Hang on. It’s like, him.

Tova: The Tumnus.

Mr. Tumnus: Friends of your’s, Christine?

[Cut to Tova and Rebecca]

Tova: Oh, Mr. Tumnus. I’m Tova.

Rebecca: And I’m Rebecca’s, with, and I just say like, congrats on this.

Mr. Tumnus: Well, would you like to join your friend?

[Cut to everybody]

Christine: Wait, wait, wait, up guys are into Tumnus too?

Tova: Oh, full body, yes.

Mr. Tumnus: Christine, don’t be so surprised. [Cut to Mr. Tumnus] You see, hundreds of your kind that visit me here every year, because I suppose in a way  I’ve become an unlikely sex symbol for a very specific sort of woman. Sort of a lazy hermine if you will.

[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]

Tova: Oh yes. That is us to a “T”.

Rebecca: Frizzy hair, no cell.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]

Mr. Tumnus: And to you, I am the perfect combination of man, animal, scarf and flute music.

[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]

Rebecca: Okay, I feel seen.

Tova: So, how we do this? All at once? One at a time?

Rebecca: This might be too forward but like, Mr. Tumnus, I want to put my thumbnus in your bumnus.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]

Mr. Tumnus: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Please tell me, what brought you to England in the first place.

[Cut to Tova and Rebecca]

Tova: Well, we all love old wet history. So we’re doing a girls trip, one last before we all freeze our eggs.

[Cut to Christine]

Christine: Oh, but I’m not freezing mine because I have to. It’s because I want to. We can try and you wouldn’t have to take care of it, but — Christine shut up– I’m sorry. I might be in a lot right now, today I’ll cry.

[Cut to everybody]

Mr. Tumnus: No, seriously, you are lovely [Cut to Mr. Tumnus] but if that is what you truly desire, I must break it to you, that I’m not human.

[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]

Rebecca: Yes, we know, and that’s what we like. Mama wants a boyfriend she can pet.

Tova: So goat peeing, what does that look like? I can google it but I’m very scared.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]

Mr. Tumnus: Ladies, ladies, you flatter me with your persistence, but please, I must let you know that I am in fact spoken for. Edmond? Oh, Eddo.

[Cut to everybody] [Edmond walks in]

Edmond: Ah, yes? Does my Tum tum want more Turkish delights?

[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]

Christine: Oh, my god, he’s gay. No wonder he’s my type.

Tova: And this is officially a pattern for me.

[Cut to Edmond]

Edmond: Would you like to stay for dinner? We’re having shakshouka.

[Cut to everybody] [Ladies stand up and leave]

Christine: No, no, no, no. It’s okay. Just cherish each other, okay.

Rebecca: Gals, let’s find ourselves a rebound. Neville longbottom?

Tova: Yes, Neville was the hot one.

Narrator: This has been “The Chronicles of Narnia”

[Ends with an outro]