Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon
Melania Trump… Cecily Strong
Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett
Rex Tillerson… John Goodman
[Starts with Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway in Trump Tower]
Donald Trump: Kellyanne, it’s almost Christmas. Do we have to talk business now?
Kellyanne Conway: I am afraid so, Mr. Trump. I know you’ve been so busy out on your thank you tour.
Donald Trump: I had to do it. I just felt an obligation to thank all my supporters by standing in front of them while they cheer for me. Let’s get this over with. Are there any more cabinet picks left?
Kellyanne Conway: Okay, we’re almost full, sir. Rick Perry has agreed to be secretary of energy.
Donald Trump: Is that a great choice? I saw him on Dancing With the Stars. This guy has so much energy. He’s just unpresidented. So now, all I have to do is pick who will be president.
Kellyanne Conway: That’s you, sir.
Donald Trump: Can I just do it three days a week like Howard Stern does?
Kellyanne Conway: I don’t think so.
Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what will you be doing in my administration?
Kellyanne Conway: Oh, oh, what I’ve always done. Master Illusionist. Also, I’ve put together a list of people who have agreed to perform you inauguration at seven. [Kellyanne Conway pulls out a small piece of paper as the list]
Donald Trump: So many great names here. Really. I love them both.
[Melania Trump walks in]
Melania Trump: Donald, enough with the working. Let’s do the Christmas.
Donald Trump: Okay, Melania. Kellyanne, let’s take a break but stay close by, would you?
Kellyanne Conway: Okay, don’t worry. I’m handcuffed to you for all of histories.
[Kellyanne Conway walks out]
Donald Trump: What’s that sound?
Melania Trump: I think it’s coming from the chimney.
Donald Trump: Is it a ghost? Am I being scrooged? I hate that.
Melania Trump: Oh, Donald! I think it’s a–
[Vladimir Putin comes out of the chimney top nude with Santa’s gift sack]
Vladimir Putin: That’s right.
Donald Trump: Vladimir, this is such a great surprise.
Melania Trump: What are you doing here?
Vladimir Putin: I was just in town. You know, hiding in the walls.
Donald Trump: Okay, come in, come in. It’s so great to finally get a chance to talk in person. I composed an email to you but I haven’t even sent it yet.
Vladimir Putin: I know. Mr. Trump, I’m here because your CIA is saying that we Russians tried to make you win election.
Donald Trump: I know, all lies made up by some very bitter people who need to move on.
Vladimir Putin: So, you trust me more than American CIA?
Donald Trump: All I know is I won.
Vladimir Putin: Wow, this guy is blowing my mind. Donald, I want to state officially that we in Russia are so happy that you are US president.
Donald Trump: Oh, thank you.
Vladimir Putin: We think you’re the best candidate.
Donald Trump: Sure.
Vladimir Putin: The smartest candidate.
Donald Trump: No doubt.
Vladimir Putin: The Manchurian candidate.
Donald Trump: I don’t know what that means but it sounds tremendous.
Vladimir Putin: And since it is Christmas after all, you know, I got you a gift. [Vladimir Putin pulls out a doll from the sack] This is Elf on the Shelf. He’s fun. You just put it right here next to your internet router. [Vladimir Putin puts the doll over the chimney next to the internet router]
[sound of machine turning]
Yeah, you keep it there all year. It’s fun. Yes?
Donald Trump: Yeah. it’s beautiful, Vladimir. I’m sorry but I didn’t know you were coming, so I do not have a gift for you.
Vladimir Putin: Please, Mr. Trump, you are the gift.
[Melania Trump walks in]
Melania Trump: Um, Donald, can we talk?
Donald Trump: Of course, excuse us, Vladimir.
[Donald Trump goes to a corner with Melania Trump]
Melania Trump: Donald, I do not trust this man. Okay? Think of it this way. He’s a person you did not know who came from a foreign country and just started flattering you, what would you do?
Donald Trump: Marry them.
Melania Trump: Donald, no. You must tell this man to leave.
Donald Trump: Okay, Melania. Alright. [walks to Vladimir Putin] Vladimir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to go. Frankly, it might not look– it might look bad for us to be seen together.
Vladimir Putin: Brilliant observation. You are always so smart Mr. Trump.
Donald Trump: You can stay as long as you want.
[Kellyanne Conway walks in]
Kellyanne Conway: Um, sir?
Donald Trump: Oh my god, it’s the ghost of Christmas past. Scrooged!
Kellyanne Conway: No, I’m not a ghost. This is just my face and hair. It’s Kellyanne. Um, your secretary of stage pick Rex Tillerson is here.
[Rex Tillerson walks in]
Rex Tillerson: Merry Chriatmas! Merry Christmas Mr. President elect. I just wanted to come by and– [sees Vladimir Putin] Pudie? Oh my god!
Vladimir Putin: Rexi baby.
[Vladimir Putin and Rex Tillerson starts celebrating in Russian language]
Rex Tillerson: Oh my star, Donald! You didn’t tell me Pudie was going to be here. Man, have I been hoping to catch up with you.
Vladimir Putin: As have I, old friend. So much to talk about. Hah? [Vladimir Putin pulls out a map] Right here, we’re having some oil drilling problems here.
Rex Tillerson: Oh, that’s no problem. As soon as the sanctions are lifted, we’ll up our intake by 30%.
Donald Trump: What are you guys talking about?
Vladimir Putin: Don’t worry about it.
Rex Tillerson: What about doubling production here in the Pechora sea?
Vladimir Putin: Already under way. Just have to take control of the Lomonosov Ridge. Our military is on it.
Donald Trump: And then we destroy vanity fair, right? They are terrible publication, just terrible.
Rex Tillerson: Sure buddy, sure. [to Vladimir Putin] You set up shop up on Lomonosov?
Vladimir Putin: Oh yes, for years. Great black crude there.
Donald Trump: Speaking of black and crude, I know Kanye. He came here. He’s using my colorist now. He just says whatever he feels. He’s like me, but a black.
Rex Tillerson: That’s cool, buddy. Excuse us for a sec.
Donald Trump: You’re not going to say “Live from New York” without me, right?
Rex Tillerson: No. We’d never do that.
Vladimir Putin: But maybe.
Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Rex Tillerson: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.