Hoverboard for Christmas

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

[Stars with people on hoverboards in a park]

Male voice: This Christmas, you gotta get a hoverboard.

Kyle: I just think and it goes wherever I want.

Pete: Where I can do sweet spins.

Male voice: They’re the hottest gift of the holiday season. And now they’re literally the hottest because they also explode.

[a hoverboard explodes]

Kyle and Pete: Sick!

Male voice: It could be plugged it. [a charging hoverboard explodes]

You could be riding it. [Kyle is riding a burning hoverboard]

Or it could just be sitting there.

[a hoverboard at the corner of the room explodes]

Pete: I knew it!

Kyle: But how do they explode so well?

Male voice: Simple, we take a battery from 90’s cellphone and make a make it power a motor designed for a small car. And since hoverboards are banned from streets and sidewalks, they’re perfect for riding in your house. Or in a different room of your house. Plus, there’s no lame ass warranty.

Kyle: There’s just a really dope warning!

[The warning reads “May Cause Death”.]

Pete: And look, even grandpa’s getting on the action.

Grandpa: [riding a hoverboard] Look at me, I’m doing it. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. [Grandpa is literally on fire]

Pete: Nice!

Male voice: So, this Christmas, get the gift that says, “I hate walking but I love fires.” Oh, and very occasionally, hoverboards may accelerate from 0-80 in four seconds. Wait, what?

[Pete is on a speed hoverboard and is screaming. He wets his pants.]

Male voice: Hoverboards, no longer sold at Amazon, Walmart, Target and Radioshack. Manufactured by the good people at Kids Crew. The same people who brought you Plane Lasers. Lasers that kids can shoot at planes trying to blind a pilot.

Ryan Gosling Monologue on Canadian Christmas

Ryan Gosling

Cecily Strong

Mike Myers

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Gosling.

[Ryan Gosling walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Ryan Gosling: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’m so excited to be here hosting Hat– Saturday Night Live. I can’t even say it. I’m so excited to be back home, New York city. You know? Man, I love this city at Christmas time. It’s just brings back all these great memories of growing up as a kid. You know, you got the tree in Rockefeller center. You got the rockets. Getting the slice of za with my boys. And Brooklyn, what’s up? Brooklyn in the house.

[Cut to Cecily Strong in the audience]

Cecily Strong: Ya, Ryan, aren’t you actually from Canada?

[Cut to Ryan Gosling]

Ryan Gosling: Canada? I don’t– where would I get this accent?

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, it sounds like you got it from those old Phil Rizzuto ads for the money store. Also, I looked it up and you’re definitely from Cornwall Ontario.

[Cut to Ryan Gosling]

Ryan Gosling: Look, alright, not everybody is a big fan of immigrants right now. You know what I mean. I’m not sure I wanna be shouting it from the rafters.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay, well now I’m looking at Google images of you so I stopped listening. [Cecily Strong takes her seat] [Cut to Ryan Gosling] [3 walks in wearing ‘Toronto Maple Leafs’ shirt.]

Mike Myers: It’s okay guys. I’ll take it from here. Thank you. Thank you. I’ll take it from here. I’ll take it from here.

Ryan Gosling: Mike Myers? Where did you come from?

Mike Myers: I live backstage. Now Ryan, are you ashamed to be Canadian?

Ryan Gosling: Mike, I am very proud to be Canadian, okay? It’s one of the greatest countries in the world. You know? Thank you. It’s just, nobody really wants a dramatic actor from Canada, you know? People don’t really think of Canada that way. They just sort of think of it as America’s hat.

Mike Myers: But we’ve got so much to be proud of. Come on, people! Our hunky new prime minister Trudeau. Hello. The grassy junior high? Sir Justin Bieber. Come on! And you wanna talk Christmas? No one does Christmas better than Canada! Waking up at dawn. Snow up to your nugs. Watching a government funded production of the nutcracker. And of course, [a snowman walks in] Bonhomme De Neige. Right? Bonhomme De Neige. Or, the good man of the snow. Who is a watchful snowman who puts you in a Maple sack and beats you with the lacrosse sticks if you’ve been telling lies. Everyone knows that, right?

[the snowman leaves]

Ryan Gosling: Look, my uncle was town’s Bonhomme De Neige, okay? I’ve been in Bonhomme De Neige’s sack. It was no fun.

Mike Myers: No, no, no, no. It is not fun. No.

Ryan Gosling: Mike, you’re right. Okay. I shouldn’t have lied. I’m sorry.

Mike Myers: [Acts like he didn’t understand] Sorry?

Ryan Gosling: [in Canadian accent] I’m sorry.

Mike Myers: Oh! Okay. Alrighty! He’s sorry. Well, you know, don’t be sorry.

Ryan Gosling: Well, I am. I am sorry.

Mike Myers: No, no, no, no. Don’t be sorry. It’s Christmas time. How about we sing a Canadian Christmas song, ay? Alright?

[music playing] [singing] From Ottawa to Manitoba

Ryan Gosling and 3: There’s a feeling in the air.

Mike Myers: Oh, sorry. I sang your line.

Ryan Gosling: No, I’m sorry. No, you go ahead. You’re Mike Myers.

Mike Myers: That’s a little true. It’s a little true. Let’s both sing. Come on.

[music playing]

Ryan Gosling and 3: Santa’s coming so don’t you pow
it’s time to break the Mosins out
or club some seals and then we’ll shout
that’s what Canadian Christmas is about

Ryan Gosling: This was written by an Americans, you know? I don’t drink Mosin. I don’t club seals. I don’t say ‘abot’. Do you?

Mike Myers: No! No! I mean, it depends on what you’re talking about. But…

Ryan Gosling: Yeah, I bet you they made you wear that Maple Leaf jerseys too, you know? They think we’re this Cliche.

Mike Myers: Well actually, this is my jersey I wear pretty much everyday. Okay.

Ryan Gosling and 3: Put on your slippers and pass the kipper
it’s the trees three meters high
we’re in heavy sweaters in the freezy weather
if you go outside you’ll die.
Santa please, take the quickest route
if you get stuck, we’ll dig you out
if you get lost, we’ll send a scoot
that’s what Canadian Christmas is about. 

Mike Myers: Hah! Canadian Christmas dance number, go!

[Ryan Gosling and starts tap dancing turn by turn]

Hah!

[cheers and applause]

Let’s move on.

Ryan Gosling and 3: So, kiss the Tabag and cover your nogen with a hat

Mike Myers: You mean a tuke.

Ryan Gosling: That’s right.

Mike Myers: Then we’ll get real and club some seals
and drink mosins till we puke
Everybody!

[Other SNL members are coming in singing]

Everybody: Santa’s coming, there’s no doubt
it’s time to put the presents out
and in the morning, we all shout.
That’s what Canadian Christmas is about.

Ryan Gosling: We have a great show for you tonight. Leon Bridges is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back..

[cheers and applause]