Tina Fey & Michael Che with a Special Christmas Weekend Update

Tina Fey

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Tina Fey and Michael Che on SNL stage]

Michael Che: Hey, what’s up? I’m Michael Che.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey

Michael Che: Okay, so this is the part of the show where we would normally do Update and Tina was gonna do update with me because Colin is not here tonight.

Tina Fey: It’s not what you think. He’s having worked on?

Michael Che: So, we thought we’d read these dumb jokes anyway, and just see if we can make these guys laugh.

[Tom Hanks, Paul Rudd and Kenan Thompson are only the audience they have]

Tina Fey: Yeah, you guys ready? Hanks, are you ready? May I call you Hanks?

Tom Hanks: I’d rather you did.

Tina Fey: Okay. And can we confirm that you have never heard these jokes before?

Tom Hanks: Not a one. Except the two you blew in the rehearse.

Michael Che: Alright. Perfect. Well, it’s Christmas. So, let’s start with some good news, Tina. O.J. Simpson has been released from parole two months early because of good behavior. Said O.J., “I can’t believe I got out of parole early but I did it. I did it.”

Tina Fey: Time Magazine has named Elon Musk person of the year. You can read more about it on your phone while your Tesla is self driving you into a lake.

Michael Che: It was revealed that on January 6, three Fox News hosts all texted Mark Meadows to urge him to get Trump to call off his supporters. And you know you’ve gone too far when Fox News is like, “Somebody better calm these white people down.”

Tina Fey: This week marks the one year anniversary of the first person in the US to get the COVID vaccine and all I had to do was lying about being a nurse. I blew it again!

Michael Che: Mayor elect Eric Adams has selected New York City’s first ever female police commissioner, which means policing is about to get a lot more passive aggressive. There’s more. You wanna hear the other part? Instead of stop and frisk, they’re gonna go through your phone while you’re in the shower.

Tina Fey: German police have broken up a plot by anti vaxxers to kill a local official over vaccine mandates. It’s a classic conflict between Germany’s two favorite things, violence and rules. Hanks likes that one. Because it’s about Germans.

Michael Che: A judge in Louisiana took a leave of absence after she was caught on video using the N word, which is the kind of story that makes me wonder why are me and Kenan the only cast members here?

Tina Fey: One of the creators of the original Nintendo Entertainment System has died at the age of 78 after doctors made multiple attempts to blow on him and stick him back in.

Michael Che: Texas police arrested a woman after she tried to hide inside of a refrigerator. So, congratulations to the fat cop who decided to check out the fridge during the raid.

Tina Fey: NASA announced that for the first time in history a spacecraft has touched the sun by flying through its upper atmosphere, NASA was finally able to complete the impossible mission by going at night.

Michael Che: That’s smart.

Tina Fey: It’s a thinker.

Michael Che: After 37 players in the NFL tested positive in one day, the league is mandating booster shots for coaches and some team personnel. And hopefully the Jets booster shots will come with a little bit of steroids.

Tina Fey: The FDA said it will permanently allow people to get abortion pills through the mail which means your pill should arrive just in time for your child’s first birthday.

Michael Che: Oh you’ll like this one, Hanks. Dozens of camels were disqualified from Saudi Arabia’s annual camel beauty contest because they got botox and facelifts to make them more attractive. But hey man, we ain’t looking at their faces. Am I right? [Tom Hanks is laughing hard] Look at his face!

Tom Hanks: You’re killing me.

Tina Fey: The Jacksonville Jaguars fired head coach Urban Meyer hours after being accused of kicking a player. Worse the player was somehow returned for a touchdown.

Michael Che: Bakers in Massachusetts have created the world’s largest pot brownie weighing 850 pounds. They came up with the idea after eating the world’s second largest pot brownie.

Tina Fey: A Florida man was kicked off a plane for wearing women’s underwear as a facemask because federal law requires you to at least put in a maxi pad. That one stays.

Michael Che: It was reported that Bruce Springsteen sold the rights for his music catalog for more than $500 million. So, hopefully he finally has money to move out of New Jersey.

Tina Fey: An ethics panel has ordered Andrew Cuomo to return the $5 million in profits he earned from the book he wrote about the pandemic. Said Cuomo “Okay, but you got to reach down in my pocket and take it out yourself sweetheart.” For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight. Merry Christmas.

 

The Global Warming Christmas Special

Carl Sagan…..Mike Myers
Dean Martin…..Tom Hanks
Sally Struthers…..Victoria Jackson
Crystal Gayle…..Jan Hooks
Isaac Asimov…..Phil Hartman
Paul McCartney…..Dan Carvey
George Hamilton…..Kevin Nealon
…..Ralph Nader
…..Dom DeLuise…..Chris Farley
Petula Clark…..Julia Sweeney

[Starts with Tom Hanks on SNL stage]

Tom Hanks: I miss when Christmas was worry free. When there was no pandemic. And the scariest thing we were worried about was global warming. Back in the day, we thought this was a huge deal. But then it all just magically disappeared. [listening to his ear piece] What’s that? Oh, it’s still here. And it’s still bad. Ah, well, in that case, here’s one of my favorite sketches from my fifth time hosting in 1991.

[Cut to the sketch]

Announcer: It’s The Global Warming Christmas Special, with Carl Sagan. Starring Kirstie Alley, Dr. William R Keeler from the Chicago Institute of Meteorological Studies, funnyman Louie Anderson, Professor I. Bennet Eckling, Chief Atmospheric Physicist from the World Resources Institute, Jamie Farr and many, many more. And now, here he is – Carl Sagan!

[ Carl Sagan enters the summer-styled Christmas village set ]

Carl Sagan: Good evening, and welcome to my first Global Warming Christmas Special. It’s a tradition which I fear will continue for years to come, because, the way things are going, global warming will be around for a long time. Now, here’s someone else who’s been around for a long time, a man who’s hosted many a Christmas show himself – Mr. Dean Martin.

[ Dean Martin enters with a glass of vodka and a lit cigarette ]

Carl Sagan: Welcome, Dean. I hope this special will prove to be enlightening and entertaining.

Dean Martin: Hello there, Carl. You just show me where the cue cards and we’ll take care of this whole thing.

Carl Sagan: Okay, Dean, because after all..

[ singing ]

“The Earth’s atmosphere operates
as a greenhouse, if you will.”

Dean Martin“When there’s too much carbon dioxide
it blocks out all the..”

Carl Sagan:“Our CO2 concentration
has risen to 350 parts per million
mostly due to the fossil fuel,
consumption and horizon other trace gases.”

Dean Martin“Methane, nitrogen oxide
and cho-based molecules..”

Carl Sagan: [ interrupting ] Excuse me, Dean. Dean, that’s not “cho”, that’s “C-H-O-H”, a base molecule for all chlorofloral carbons. I wish you’d shown up for rehearsal.

Dean Martin: Well, it sure looks like “cho” to me, Professor! [ laughs ]

Carl Sagan: Well, perhaps we should simply proceed to the final refrain.

Dean Martin: Oh, lead the way!

Together“‘Cause you just can’t tell it’s Christmas anywhere!!”

Carl Sagan: Thank you. Dean, join me as we examine Christmas in an artificially-warmed envorinmoent.

Dean Martin: Oh now, hold on there, Einstein! Where’s all the snow?

Carl Sagan: Well, Dean, if you’d paid attention to the lyrics you just sang, you’d realize that in a greenhouse climate, the chief precipitant would be rain.

Dean Martin: Ooh, that ain’t right!

Carl Sagan: Cheer up, Dino. Let’s decorate the greenhouse-affected Christmas tree, shall we? [ they walk over to a group of kids and Sally Struthers decorating a two-foot tall Christmas tree ] Believe it or not, Dean, you’re looking at the world’s largest Christmas tree in our new twisted eco-system.

Dean Martin: Ooh now, that’s so upsetting!

Carl Sagan: And look who’s here trimming the tree. It’s Archie Bunker’s daughter, Sally Struthers. Welcome, Sally.

Sally Struthers: [ visibly upset ] Carl, can I say something?

Carl Sagan: Please.

[ close-up of Sally’s tear-streaked face ]

Sally Struthers: We can’t allow this to happen.. Won’t you please, please send money.. to wherever.. money is sent.. to fix.. this terrible.. tree thing.. Please..!

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Sally. Thank you. So you see, folks, if the poles continue to melt as they are, we’ll all be in hot water! [ chuckles at his inane joke ]

Dean Martin: Well, now, what about the folks like me, who already live in the desert?

Carl Sagan: Dean, the mean temperature in Las Vegas will one day rise to 156 degrees, making it uninhabitable and rendering such landmarks as the Aladdin Hotel stark monuments to an age of self-indulgence.

Dean Martin: Ooh, well what about Tahoe?

Carl Sagan: It’ll be fine. Now, here to sing a Yuletide classic, Crystal Gayle and popular science fiction writer Isaac Asimov.

[ Crystal Gayle and Isaac Asimov enter, singing ]

Crystal Gayle: Pretty sidewalks

Isaac Asimov: In the air, there’s a feeling Christmas

Crystal Gayle: Silver bells

Isaac Asimov: Tiny silver bells

Crystal Gayle: Silver bells

Isaac Asimov: Tiny silver bells

Crystal Gayle: It’s Christmas time in the city!

[ Carl throws red paint onto Crystal’s fur coat ]

Crystal Gayle: [ outraged ] Wha-? Hey! What’s this?

Carl Sagan: I’m sorry, Crystal. I realize that global warming is the theme of this special. However, fur is indeed murder!

Crystal Gayle: You got paint in my hair, you nerd! God!

Carl Sagan: Now, then, it’s time for the traditional gift exchange. And look who’s joined us. Former Beatle Paul McCartney and his wife, Linda.

Paul McCartney: Well, we just thought we’d drop by and do our part, ’cause you know, it’s global warming, it’s madness! You know, it’s killing us! You know, the other day I said to Linda, “We’re losing the bloody planet!” And after the planet, what have you got? You can’t live in the sky or in the sun! There’s nowhere to stand! you know, you’d just be falling all the time, and then what have you got? I mean, think about it, you know? You could bring a chair, so that you could have a sit. But if you think that chair’s not gonna fall, you’d be bloody wrong. ‘Cause it will, and then what have you got? You’re right back where you started, standing in the sun without a chair.

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Paul.

Paul McCartney: It’s bloody madness!

Dean Martin: [ interrupting ] Aw, let’s open the presents, Ringo!

Carl Sagan: Very well, Dean. But remember, these gifts have been altered by our environmental neglect.

Dean Martin: Oh yeah, yeah. You sound like a broken record! Now, which one is mine?

Carl Sagan: [ hands Dean a present ] Okay, here you go, Dean. It’s peanut brittle.

Dean Martin: [ excited ] Oh, man, I loves the peanut brittle now.. [ reaches into the box to find a sticky mess ] Oh, wait, hey, hey, what’s going on here now?

Carl Sagan: In the atmosphere greenhouse of tomorrow, molasses-based candies will liquify, even on the mildest days.

Dean Martin: Hmm..

Paul McCartney: It’s madness, I tell you!

Sally Struthers: [ sobbing ] People, we can’t let this happen..!

Dean Martin: [ eating his peanut brittle anyway ] Mmm, well, it’s not bad! [ wipes off his sticky peanut butter fingers in Crystal Gayle’s hair ]

Crystal Gayle: [ annoyed ] What are you doing?! What are you doing?!

Dean Martin: Oh.. sorry..

Carl Sagan: Okay, everybody, we’ve had some fun, but now it’s time for a special Christmas message from our guest, Mr. George Hamilton.

[ dissolve to George Hamilton’s pre-taped message ]

George Hamilton: Hello, everyone. Does my tan frighten you? Perhaps, it should. What you’re looking at is the tan of the future. Unless America changes it ways, when I look at a knockout babe like Dyan Cannon, and I see the ravages that ozone depletion has wrought on her leathery, flaking skin, I think, “My God, what have these fools done?” For those of my generation – for John Derek, for Bob Guccione – it may be too late. But who will speak for the Rob Lowes? For the Chad Lowes? For the Lorenzo Lamas’? Or the two Coreys? What kind of tan can they expect? Certainly not a healthy, golden tan. Not even a tawny bronze. The best they can hope for is a light cocoa. Think about that this Christmas.

[ dissolve back to Carl Sagan standing next to Ralph Nader in the Christmas village ]

Carl Sagan: Now, we will enjoy a rendition of “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas”, by my colleague Ralph Nader.

[ drunken Dean Martin rushes into the scene ]

Dean Martin: Oh now, alright boy, alright, that’s very nice! Now, you’re a nice fella, but we all get the idea! Now, let’s do a real Christmas show! Ladies and gentlemen, The Vogue Gold Diggers!

[ Vogue Gold Diggers dance into the Christmas village ]

Dean MartinMr. Dom DeLuise!

[ Dom DeLuise enters, tosses a rubber chicken and blows a kiss to the audience ]

Dean MartinMiss Petula Clark!

[ Petula Clark runs into the Christmas village ]

Dean Martin: [ to Carl Sagan, pleased ] Well, now, boy.. boy, what did you think there?

Carl Sagan: Interesting. It harks back to a time when Christmas specials were wasteful and excessive.

Dean Martin: Oh, that’s right. [ to one of the Vogue Gold Diggers ] Oh, Lydia? Take care of my friend here.

[ Lydia hugs Carl ]

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Dean!

Dean Martin: Don’t mention it. We’ll be right back!

Christmas Cards

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Alex getting back home from work]

Melissa: Hey, sweetie, how was work?

Alex: Oh, baby. Incredible. Incredible. We had a great meeting about some exciting emerging markets with growth potential. You want to hear the deeds?

Melissa: No thanks. But look what I did. I put up all our Christmas cards on the fridge. What’s festive, right?

Alex: Yeah. Wow. We got a lot of cards this year. Man. We know a lot of people, huh?

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a family with many kids]

Mikey: People like me, your super white, super Christian neighbor. Here on the beach with my wife and our army of blonde children. All in matching white shirts and jeans.

Chloe: And yes, this is the seventh Christmas card in a row I’ve been pregnant. I’m never not pregnant.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a white woman and a black man. The woman is pregnant.]

Heidi: Did someone use the word pregnant? I am too. I’m your cousin who’s made pregnancy my entire personality. I started planning this Christmas card as I was peeing on the pregnancy tests.

Chris: And I’m the husband whose name you will never learn. As you can see my eyes, I’m not that into this card concept but she is. I wasn’t given a choice.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture a man who has hunted a deer]

Pete: Speaking of cousins, I’m your cousin from Wisconsin. Merry Christmas for me and this animal I killed.

Alex: Man everybody looks so happy but I don’t recognize her though.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a black woman]

Donna: Happy holidays from Dr. Donna Woods of smile time dental partners. You are two years late for your six months cleaning.

Melissa: I’ll go and COVID’s over. Oh, did you see Pearson Leonard’s card?

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a gay couple]

Pearson: Of course, you di. It’s stunning.

Kenan: Stunning.

Pearson: What else would you expect from the well off middle aged gay couple your wife is friends with? As usual, we’re dressed to the nines and holding our gross old little dog you cannot believe is still alive.

Alex: Oh my god, that rat dog of theirs is still alive? How?

Kenan: Simple, hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical procedures. That’s how. All of which the vet prefaced with? I mean, what are we gaining? Two, three months at the most?

Alex: Wait, is that your friend Ruth with Miley Cyrus? Are they friends?

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a black woman with Miley Cyrus]

Ruth: No, we are not. For what better way to remind you that I met a celebrity at a restaurant 11 months ago than with my Christmas card?

Miley Cyrus: This woman came up to my table and said, “You’re Anna Montana”, and then said that she hated my music.

Ruth: I’m just being honest. It’s not for me.

Miley Cyrus: She asked for a photo and implied that if I didn’t take it, it was because I was racist.

Ruth: That’s true. And I use that a lot.

Miley Cyrus: So, I took the picture. So, I guess Merry Christmas from Miley and…

Ruth: You don’t know my name? You racist.

Melissa: Man Ruth is so cool. She’s friends with famous people. Oh, by the way, who’s Barbara Jacobs again?

Alex: That’s one of my mom’s friends.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a woman in her snorkeling suit]

Barbara: Happy holidays for me. Your mom’s single friend who’s looked 52 years old since you were a baby. You’re now the drill. Every year my Christmas card is a picture of me alone on a crazy ass vacation. Last year I was on top of a mountain. This year I’m snorkeling off the coast of a volcano. What’s my deal? Am I a lesbian or a wealthy widow? You don’t care enough to ask your mom so y’all never know.

Alex: Wait. Who’s that in the pajamas?

Melissa: That’s Harper. We went to high school together.

Alex: Oh, and you guys were friends?

Melissa: Yeah.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a woman and a man and a boy wearing same shirt]

Harper: No, we weren’t. I made her life a living hell. What’s new with me? Let’s see. Still a bitch. Still richer than her and still married to my handsome yet boring husband who cheats on me?

Husband: Ha-ha-ha. I do cheat on her a lot.

Harper: What else? Oh, my son is 15 now. He’s growing into a fine young INCEL.

Boy: It’s a girl’s faults that I’m not cool.

Harper: And if our matching pajamas don’t make you hate us, flip the card for a long braggy list of what our family did this year.

Husband: Spoiler alert. We moved into a huge house on the lake.

Boy: I don’t like the lake because you have to wear swim trunks and I’m at the part of puberty where I look like a newborn giraffe.

Harper: Even though you think I’m a tacky fake bitch, I know that my Christmas cards make you jealous. And I love that I still have that power over you. So, Happy Holidays, tampon girl. That’s what I called your wife in high school.

Alex: Wow, Harper seems real nice. Hey, thanks for doing this babe. You know, I love that we can just see all of our friends and family just by walking into the kitchen.

[phone notification ring]

Melissa: Oh, oh no. Leonard’s dog is going into surgery again.

Kenan: Tthoughts and prayers for our beloved Pablo. He needs a new spine.

Pearson: It’s gonna cost $150,000 But how can you say no to this thing?

Angelo Christmas

Chris Redd

Cecily Strong

Doug… Mikey Day

Angelo… Aristotle Athari

Deb… Billie Eilish

[Starts with Chris singing on the stage]

Chris: Hark, the herald angels sing
Glory to the newborn king

Yeah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Cecily: Wow! That was beautiful.

Doug: [flirting] Almost as beautiful as you.

Cecily: Oh, shut your ugly, stupid mouth.

Chris: Now, folks, we do have a surprise guest tonight. Well, ladies and gentlemen, international singing sensation, Angelo!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Cecily: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It’s Angelo

Doug: Wait. Who’s Angelo? I’ve never heard of him

Cecily: He just takes a word from the audience, and then songs just flow out of him.

Doug: Oh, okay, cool.

Angelo: Hello, everybody. Merry Christmas for this. Can I get one word?

Cecily: Oh, you go, Doug.

Doug: Uh, sweet. Okay, maybe something Christmasy. Eggnog.

Angelo: Say for me?

Doug: Eggnog!

Angelo: S-Say for me?

Doug: [shouting] Eggnog!

Angelo: Eggfalbalfalcalvaras.

[singing gibberish]

If I ever sing like that for me like this like that
If I ever sing like this for me like this tonight

Thank you for this.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Cecily: My God! What a daring, brave artist.

Doug: Daring?I didn’t really understand what he was–

Cecily: Shut up, Doug! He’s starting.

Doug: Okay.

Angelo: Can I get another word, please?

Cecily: Doug, come on, do it.

Doug: I don’t know.I don’t think I get what he’s doing. Can he do other songs, like “Jingle Bells?”

Angelo: Say — say for me?

Doug: I said, “Jingle Bells.”

Angelo: Jingfarballafalbalas

Doug: Okay, so he heard “Jingle Bells.”

Angelo: If I ever sing like that for me like that for me
If I ever sing like that for me tonight

Thank you for this.

[Cheers and applause]

Cecily: His gift to the world is his music.

Doug: His gift is saying, “Tonight.”

Angelo: Now I bring sing for this.

[Deb walks in.] [Cheers and applause]

Cecily: Whoa! Okay, this is huge. It’s Reykjavik’s very own, the toast of Iceland, Deb.

Doug: Deb? What is this?!

Cecily: It’s called culture, Doug! Read a book.

Deb: First thing, I need one word.

Angelo: Yes, one word.

[Cecily is looking at Doug for the word]

Doug: Oh, my God. Fine. Mistletoe!

Deb: Say it — Say it for us.

Doug: I am! Mistletoe!

Angelo: Mislefarvos.

Deb: Mislefarmis.

Check, one, two
A little louder, Gary.

Thank you.

Doug: That was it?

Cecily: Angelo and Deb. I feel like I could actually cry.

Doug: I think she just sound-checked her mic and —

Cecily: Doug, Doug, do you have gunk in your ears?

Doug: No.

Cecily: “Check, check.” She’s checking on you and on all of us during a pandemic, Doug.

Doug: What? And who is Gary?Is that their tech guy?

Cecily: Gary is all of us, moron!

Doug: What?!

Angelo: Another word.

Deb: One suggest, please.

Angelo: Another one word.

[Cecily is looking at Doug for the word]

Doug: Stop looking at me like that! They’re just going to mess it up anyway. Frugal boogle.

Angelo and Deb: Frankincense.

Doug: Okay, at least that’s a word.

Angelo: I know that
if ever say
Light is for this
I never have

Deb: Check, check, mic check

Angelo and Deb: Little little little louder Gary
Little little little louder Gary
Tonight.

Deb: Thank you for this.

Angelo: Thank you for this.

Doug: Oh, my God!I was wrong! Angelo and Deb are incredible! God bless us, everyone! Ha ha!

 

Weekend Update- Christmas Joke Swap 2020

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, tonight is our Christmas show and we have a tradition where Che and I give each other jokes to read.

Michael Che: Oh, yes. That’s true. We’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: Yes. Fun, harmless, inoffensive jokes, right Che?

Michael Che: Hey, man. Why don’t you go first?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of coronavirus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Many doctors are saying that they have a hard time convincing their black patients to agree to take the covid vaccine. Well, maybe they should try telling them, “It makes you immune from paying child support.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of “Hocus Pocus” movie poster at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Whoa! That’s pretty racist, Colin! It was revealed that the sequel of the movie “Hocus Pocus” is in the words for Disney+, which judging by this picture is movie about every white woman I’ve ever slept with. Cool.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rosa Parks at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week marks the 65th anniversary of Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on an Alabama bus. I just wish that all black people could follow her example of sitting down and shutting up.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeffery Epstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] Oh. The palm beach mansion once owned by Jeffery Epstein will soon be demolished. And I’m honestly shocked that they would demolish a place where I have so many fond memories. Rest in power, king.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Creed’s front man Scott Stapp at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: God! It was announced that Creed’s singer Scott Stapp will play Frank Sinatra in an upcoming movie. But the good news is Sammy Davis Jr. will be played by Scarlett Johansson.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Home for Christmas

Katie… Lauren Holt

Dad.. Beck Bennett

Mom… Melissa Villaseñor

Punkie Johnson

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Grandpa… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Katie getting in the home]

Katie: Hello, is the coast clear? Anybody home?

Dad: Katie, sweetheart!

Punkie: Oh my god. Wait, Katie’s here? I thought you said you couldn’t come home for Christmas. That’s why grandpa’s been so depressed all waek.

Katie: I know. But since I’m a nurse, I was able to get the vaccine. So, I drove all night and dad and I cooked up the surprise.

Sue: [getting excited] Oh my god.

Dad: Yeah. We’re going to do it as soon as he gets home.

Sue: [getting too excited] My god! A surprise? Tonight?

Dad: Yes, Sue. Dad thinks it’s just us for dinner as usual.

Sue: Oh my god! And Katie’s here! With her antibodies?

Katie: I can see that Sue is glad to be a part of this.

Sue: I’m sorry. I love surprises. I’m so excited to see this freaking happen. God, he doesn’t know?

Katie: So, where is Pops now?

Dad: Okay. So, I didn’t know how to get him out of the house. So, I told him to finally take his coins to Coinstar.

Punkie: Should we have Katie hide behind the tree when he gets here?

Sue: [yelling] Yes!

Mom: Sue! Sue! We’re gonna have to keep this a secret when pops gets here. I hope you can keep it together and don’t ruin the surprise.

Katie: Sue? What are you doing?

Sue: [Sue is pulling off her sweater and covering her face] I’m so hot! I’m so freaking excited!

Punkie: Sue! Put your shirt back on.

Sue: He’s going to walk in here with his coin credit. And she’s going to come out from behind the tree. And we all know.

Dad: Yeah. Well, that’s what we’re hoping for.

Mom: Okay. So, how long do you think we have until pops–

Sue: I’m sorry. Oh god! I’m going to have some of this jello. I gotta eat sugar. Gelatin. I’m freaking going to pass out. Oh god.

Dad: Okay. Well, what if I play “I’ll be home for Christmas” when he comes in?

Katie: I love that idea. Sue?

[Sue had her head inside jello]

Punkie: Sue! You have to get yourself together. Katie traveled a long way. You’re going to ruin the surprise!

Sue: I’m sorry. Yes. I think if we just had a practice round, I’d feel better.

Dad: Oh, yes. That’s actually really good idea. Katie, go behind the tree.

Katie: You got it.

Mom: I’m on the music.

Dad: Okay. Now, everyone act natural. I’m dad. I’m coming home from Coinstar. I don’t expect anything because everyone’s acting normal and then Katie jumps out and says–

[Katie walks out from behind the tree. But Sue runs in and pushes Katie away.]

Sue: [shouting] Surprise!

Punkie: Oh my god! Sue! You knocked Katie on to the floor. [to Katie] Are you okay?

Katie: It’s fine. I just landed where I got my shot.

Dad: Oh my gosh. Dad’s back. This is it.

Mom: Okay Katie, hide. Everyone else, act natural. Sue, stay over there and don’t say a word.

[Grandpa walks in]

Dad: Hey, hey, dad!

Grandpa: Oh, good. Everyone’s together. Well, that’s great. But gosh, I just still wish Katie was here.

Mom: Yeah. We wish Katie were here too. Right guys?

Dad: Yeah. Sure do, dad.

Punkie: Maybe next year.

[Sue has Christmas socks inside her mouth.]

Grandpa: What’s going on with Sue? Everyone’s acting weird.

Punkie: Sue?

[Sue is moving around not being able to keep the secret]

Sue: Someone’s upstairs.

Mom: Sue!

Sue: No one! Who? A girl. No. She traveled. What? Yes. Oh. Stop. God! You thought she wasn’t coming. Who? Her. She got here. Pfizer.  What? Oh god. You’re going to be surprised! Oh god. Here it comes. Oh god. Here it comes.

Dad: Stop. Don’t say it. Sue!

[Sue runs out through the window breaking it.]

Grandpa: Good lord. What on earth? Did Sue just punch through the window and jump outside?

[Katie walks out]

Katie: Hi, pops.

Grandpa: What?

Katie: It was supposed to be a surprise.

Grandpa: Katie, you made it. This makes everything all better.

Mom: Oh, come on, everybody. Let’s eat. I have ham in the oven.

Sue: Ham? [Sue jumps in through the chimney] I love ham for Christmas!

[Sue holds the Christmas tree and pulls it out through the broken window]

Dad: My outdoor lights!

Christmas Morning

Brother… Kyle Mooney

Sister… Chloe Fineman

Dad… Beck Bennett

Mom… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with kids waking their parents up in the morning of Christmas.]

Speaker 1: Mom, dad, get up!

Speaker 2: Come on, you guys. Wake up. Wake up.

[musicplaying]

All: It’s Christmas morning. Let’s open up our presents.

BROTHER: Well, I got a Nerf gun!

SISTER: I got a hat!

DAD: I got an autographed baseball bat!

BROTHER: I got a telescope!

SISTER: I got a globe!

DAD: I got a watch!

MOM: And I got a robe!

BROTHER: I got Hulk hands!

DAD: I got a tie!

SISTER: And I got a copy of The Catcher in the Rye!

BROTHER: I got a drum set!

SISTER: I got a phone!

DAD: I got a pen!

MOM: And I got a robe

DAD: I got an outdoor pizza oven!

BROTHER: I got a cameo from McLovin!

SISTER: I got a hoverboard!

BROTHER: I got a drone!

DAD: I got a laptop!

MOM: And I got a robe
Thanks for the robe, it’s really really nice
Thanks for the robe, guys, this is great

BROTHER: I got headphones!

SISTER: I got a wig!

BROTHER AND SISTER: We got the piano from Big!

DAD: I got a vintage pinball machine!

MOM: And I’m gonna make us breakfast!
In my brand new robe which I love so much
It’s really really soft! Oh, it’s on sale

SISTER: I got a sword!

DAD: I got shades!

BROTHER AND SISTER: We got pairs of rollerblades!

BROTHER: I got a Lego Millennium Falcon!

MOM: And I burned my arm in the oven
It hurt pretty bad, but I didn’t even scream
‘Cause I keep the pain inside of me

ALL: More and more presents
Let’s open up our stockings

BROTHER: Mine has a set of travel games!

SISTER: And mine is stuffed with candy canes!

DAD: Mine has a bottle of nice cologne!

MOM: And mine is completely empty
Just a big, flat sock with nothing inside
I only hang it up ’cause it looks kinda weird
If it’s missing in our pictures

DAD: Hold on now, what’s this I see?

SISTER: A few more presents beneath the tree!

BROTHER: Looks like someone’s got a big surprise

MOM: Oh, you guys really didn’t need to get me–

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: It’s presents for the dog!

BROTHER: He got a bone and a squeaky toy!

DAD: And peanut butter treats

BROTHER AND SISTER: ‘Cause he’s a good boy!

SISTER: So many presents, but he deserves it!

BROTHER AND SISTER: And he got a robe!

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: It’s Christmas morning! Let’s take a family picture!

MOM: John, I don’t have any makeup on. I was up until 4 in the —

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: What a great picture! Let’s post it on the internet!

Male voice:  Your mom does everything for your family. This year, get her more than one present. Moms like stuff, too

BROTHER: Who touched my piano?

MOM: [yelling] It was an accident!

Weekend Update- Melissa Villaseñor on Christmas and Dolly Parton

Colin Jost

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, there’s simply no denying it guys, it’s the holiday season. Here with some of her favorite Christmas albums is our own Melissa Villaseñor.

[Melissa Villaseñor slides in. She is dressed like Dolly Parton.]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah. Hey, Colin. I’m so excited to be here to talk about Christmas music.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Melissa, I’m a little nervous to ask you this but are you dressed as Dolly Parton?

Melissa Villaseñor: What? No. This is my special Christmas outfit. [pointing at her breasts] And these are my regular big old things. I’m here to talk about Christmas.

Colin Jost: Are you sure? I’m just asking because you’ve been trying to get your Dolly Parton impression on the show for a while now.

Melissa Villaseñor: No. I’m 100% just here to sing Christmas songs. Okay?

Colin Jost: Alright. What are some of your favorites?

Melissa Villaseñor: Mm. It’s a tough one, but definitely Holly Jolly Christmas. It’s so joyful. Here, I’ll sing it.

[music playing]
[singing in Dolly Parton’s voice] Have a Holly Jolly Christmas
it’s the best time of the year
now I don’t know if there’ll be snow
but have a cup of cheer

Oh, I just love Christmas.

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s great, but you were just doing a Dolly Parton impression.

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey buddy, eyes up here. [telling Colin to stop staring at her breasts and look at her eyes.]

Colin Jost: What are you pointing down for?

Melissa Villaseñor: You know another song I really like? Jingle Bells, okay? What a classic. Right? It goes like this.

[music playing]
[singing in Dolly Parton’s voice like the song “Jolene”] Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells all the way
I’m begging of you please don’t take Jolene

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s not how Jingle Bells goes and it’s also not really how Jolene goes. Melissa, just if you want to do Dolly song, just be up front with me.

Melissa Villaseñor: [pointing at her breasts] I am being extremely upfront. I almost had trouble walking out here. Okay, fine. Yeah. News flash. I want to be Dolly. Who doesn’t? She’s the coolest. She’s a great singer. She writes her own songs. She donated $1 million to the vaccine. plus, there’s a new story this week that she saved a kid from getting hit by a car. Which made me mad because I was speeding up to hit him. Kidding. Alright. Look. I’ll sing you one actual Christmas song. A real one this time. Okay? Growing up, my family and I, we would go to mass, midnight mass which was in Latin. This was my hymn.

[music playing]

Colin Jost: Melissa, I know what this is.

Melissa Villaseñor: [singing] Working 9 to 5
What a way to make a livin’
Barely gettin’ by
It’s all takin’ and no givin’
They just use your mind
Colin Jost: Melissa Villaseñor, everyone.

Melissa Villaseñor: I’m not coming to work next week. [pointing at her breasts] I’m going to get big thing.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Melania’s Christmas Decorations, Hamilton Returns

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Christmas decoration at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Melania Trump revealed that the theme of this year’s White House Christmas decoration is “America the beautiful” which is a big change from her previous theme “Eyes wide shut.” [picture changes to Melania Trump’s last year’s decoration.] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a moon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, there was a full moon known as the beaver moon, which can be seen about a month after a waxing moon.

Michael Che: That’s a goo joke.

[picture changes to a picture of Hamilton show]

Colin Jost: Insiders are saying that producers for the broadway hit Hamilton are planning to reopen the show on July 4th. Hopefully with some god damn white actors this tome!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Drake and a candle at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Drake has released a line of scented candles that smell like him. And unfortunately, so had DJ Khaled.

[Picture changes to a news articles saying ‘Doctor removes magnetic beads from 5 year old.]

Doctors in China removed more than a 120 magnetic beads swallowed by a 5 year old boy. Wow. Wait till his boss at the factory hears about this.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a horse at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Firefighters in Florida rescued a horse that fell into a septic tank and was nearly submerged in raw sewage. A horse submerged in raw sewage is also known as an Arby’s Beef N’ Cheddar. [picture changes to Arby’s burger] [Cut to Arby’s commercial]

Male voice: Arby’s, we eat the horse.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: 102 year old woman from New York who survived the 1918 Spanish flu has now beat coronavirus twice. But sadly, she was no match for my car.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a map of Poland at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The world’s deepest swimming pool has opened in Poland. Even more amazing, it’s above ground.

The Christmas Conversation

Lauren Holt

Lauren’s mom… Heidi Garner

Ego Nwodim

Ego’s mom… Punkie Johnson

Marie… Chloe Fineman

Marie’s mom… Kate McKinnon

Marie’s dad… Jason Bateman

[Starts with Lauren video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]

Lauren’s mom: Hi, honey. I miss you so much.

Lauren: Hi, mom. I miss you too.

[Cut to Ego video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]

Ego’s mom: Oh, hey, baby. You called me just in time. I’m just in here making gumbo. I bet you miss my cooking now, don’t you?

Ego: You know I do, mama.

[Cut to Marie video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]

Marie: Hey, mom.

Marie’s mom: Hi, wait. I look terrible right now. Do we have to screentime?

Marie: Mom. You look fine.

Marie’s mom: Okay.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I was calling because I just wanted to let you know–

Ego: Mama, I don’t want you to get upset

Lauren, Ego and Marie: I won’t be able to come home for Christmas this year.

[Cut to “The Christmas Conversation” video bumper.]

Lauren’s mom: Oh, honey. You do not need to come home for Christmas, okay? I just want you to be safe.

Lauren: Really? Thanks, mom.

Lauren’s mom: Yeah. And I guess since you won’t be coming, I’ll just throw your stocking in the fire.

Lauren: Mom!

Ego: I just don’t think it’s safe.

Ego’s mom: Okay. Let’s talk about this later.

Ego: When?

Ego’s mom: When you’ve changed your damn mind.

Marie: I just don’t think it makes sense for me to travel right now.

Marie’s mom: If you don’t love me, Marie, just say so.

Marie: Oh my god! Mom!

Marie’s mom: I didn’t raise a coward.

Lauren’s mom: I totally agree about Christmas. But I do need you to come home tonight. There has been an emergency. Because I actually put all your old stuff in bags and I’ll need you to tell me what to donate. What about your first christening dress? is to keep or?

[Now, Maries dad is also with her mom.]

Marie’s dad: You know, your mother really misses you.

Marie: I know dad.

Marie’s dad: Are you not getting mad?

Marie: I know.

Marie’s dad: Is your heart not working, baby? This is your mother here.

Marie: I can tell.

Lauren’s mom: Oh my god! Look at that. Your first track meet. Remember how fast you were? How fast you were when you ran away from me half way across the country to Chicago? Should I get rid of it? Great!

Ego’s mom: We’re being safe. We’ve even quarantined in different rooms.

Ego: What? Why?

Ego’s mom: For safety.

[Ego’s dad joins the video call]

Ego’s dad: Hi, sweetie.

Ego’s mom: Your daughter has decided not to come home for Christmas this year.

Ego’s dad: [smiling] Oh, that’s okay. We’re gonna miss you, pumpkin.

Ego’s mom: No, it’s not okay, Ray.

Ego’s dad: [suddenly agreeing with his wife] No, it’s not okay and you need to come home.

Marie’s mom: Fine, we will fly to you.

Marie: Mom! No!

Marie’s mom: Why? It’s fine. I will quarantine in the plane bathroom.

Marie’s dad: Great fix darling. And daddy wears racket ball goggles to keep the virus out of my eyes. How about that?

Marie: That’s not how it works!

Marie’s mom: What if I died in a plane crash?

Marie’s dad: That’s a great point.

Marie’s mom: And that was the last thing you said to me?

Marie’s dad: Think about your dead mother.

Marie: That can’t happen if you don’t fly on a plane!

Lauren’s mom: [lying on the ground] Oh my god! The worst has happened. I’ve had a fall.

Lauren: Mom! I know you didn’t fall. You laid down very gingerly. I saw the whole thing.

Ego’s mom: Ray, aren’t you going to say anything?

Ego’s dad: We love you unconditionally.

Ego’s mom: No. Not that.

Ego’s dad: We love you conditionally? Just tell me what you want me to say. I’ll say it.

Marie’s dad: Are you seeing what you’ve done here. [her mom is facing away crying] I hope you’re proud of yourself.

Marie: You guys are insane.

Marie’s mom: I never visited my own mother enough. I guess this is my punishment.

Ego’s mom: Who you want to see that you can’t come home? Hah? I know you ain’t got no man.

Ego: Oh my god! Mom!

Marie’s dad: Your mother and I are being super, super safe.

[doorbell ringing]

Marie’s mom: Oh, that’s probably Bob. Excuse me. [goes to answer the door]

Marie: Who is Bob?

Marie’s dad: Oh, Bob is Sophie’s front line worker husband.

Marie’s mom: Bob! Come in.

Marie’s dad: Get in here.

Marie’s mom: Guys, masks off. We’re cool.

Marie: Please get these people out of your home.

Lauren’s mom: I guess that’s why I don’t get to have a family for Christmas.

Ego’s mom: I didn’t realize how much I like being by myself.

Ego: Calm down!

[Lauren’s mom is just screaming]

Lauren: What’s happening?

Marie’s dad: Honey, listen. We are going to miss you but we’re always gonna love you. Right here.

Marie: I love you too.

Ego’s mom: We still love you, baby.

Ego’s dad: We love you.

Lauren’s mom: I miss you, but I love you.

Lauren: I love you too, mom.

Marie’s mom: But I’d love you more if you came home. I don’t know, who’s to say? I’m kidding. I love you.