Blue Christmas

[There are people in RadioShack]

Kenan: Hey guys, just need a minute of your time before we go on break for Christmas. As some of you know, this is Cecily’s last day working at RadioShack. After eight incredible years.

Cecily: Well, I’ve been here 11.

Kenan: I know. And eight of them were incredible. Honestly, I don’t think that RadioShack could have survived this long without Cecily. Every time she came to work, she had a new character or a new accent or a new impression that would just blow you away. She’d have a power and a joy to her performance that made you remember why you loved working at RadioShack in the first place. I know I’m not supposed to say this as your boss, but I love you Cecily.

Cecily: I love you too, Mr. Frank lasagna.

Kenan: That’s right, that is my name. Now we all pooled our money together, money that was supposed to go to children in need, but we decided to hire a special guest for our Christmas party instead. Unfortunately, the costume was extra and we chose to not spring for that. So please welcome, casual Elvis.

[Austin Butler walks in]

Austin: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Kenan: Yeah, we didn’t pay for the voice.

Austin: Cecily, I know we only met this week but I feel like I’ve known you for two weeks. And I also know that I speak for everyone else when I say…

[singing] We’ll have a Blue Christmas without you
we’ll be so blue just thinking about you
all the sketches with dogs
or when guy’s got one too
won’t be the same, dear
when you go, I’ll scoop.

Cecily: And when those blue snow flakes start falling
that’s when those blue memories start calling

Austin and Cecily: You’ll be doing all right every Saturday night
but I’ll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

Kenan: We’ll have a blue Christmas without you
All: We’ll be so blue singing about you
you’ll be doing all right with your Christmas so white

Austin: But we’ll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

Kenan: You’ll be doing all right every Saturday night
All: We’ll all have a blue, blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

[cheers and applause]

Jennifer Coolidge Is Impressed by Christmas Stuff

Jennifer Coolidge… Chloe Fineman

Male voice: And now, Jennifer Coolidge is impressed by Christmas Stuff.

Jennifer Coolidge: Hi, I’m Jennifer Coolidge. I love Christmas.

[Stockings] Oh, look at this. A big sock full of gifts. You know the ultimate stocking stuffer is a foot.

[Christmas Lights] Christmas lights, so colorful. You know, one year I got the blinking ones. I left my Christmas tree out all night and learn my cat was epileptic,

[Christmas Carol] That’s really good. Did you write this song?

Michael: Did I write Jingle Bells?

Jennifer Coolidge: Yeah?

Michael: No.

Jennifer Coolidge: You know who did?

Michael: I don’t know. Some guy.

[Eggnog]

Jennifer Coolidge: Umm, a big cup of eggnog. Kind of weird. Tastes like I’m drinking Santa’s [bleep].

[Menorah] Oh, happy birthday. I forgot to make a wish.

[Christmas Present] Oh wow. Christmas present. It could be anything in here. I want to shake it. Give me some music. [starts shaking the gift] Sounds like an antique doll with one eye. [opens the gift] Oh, I was right..

Male voice: Merry Christmas from Jennifer Coolidge.

A Christmas Epiphany

Rich… Austin Butler

Jimbo… Mikey Day

Steven… Andrew Dismukes

Janine… Heidi Gardner

Son… Marcello Hernandez

Daughter… Sarah Sherman

Denice… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Rich walking out of the bar]

Rich: Come on now Jimbo, I’m fine.

Jimbo: Rich, you know I’m just looking out for you. Now, come on, give me your car keys. You ain’t driving home tonight.

Rich: All right. It’s a good night for a walk home anyhow.

Jimbo: Rich, what are you doing out here drinking on Christmas Eve. Ain’t you got no family?

Rich: Family? Who needs family?

Jimbo: What about that girl Denise you’ve been going round with? Why don’t you with her?

Rich: I called that whole thing off, Jimbo. You know me. I’m a lone wolf. That’s the way I like it.

Jimbo: I’m trying my best boss. I’m trying my best.

[Rich is walking home alone drinking]

Rich: Family? Who would want to get tied down or something like that? Not me, I’ll tell you. No sirree.

[Rich walks to a house and peeks inside the window. He sees a happy family having Christmas dinner.]

Look at them. So much love. That’s what I’ve been afraid of all these years? So beautiful.

Janine: [scared] Steven, there is a man staring at us through our window.

Steven: Yes, I can see him. Just stay calm like he isn’t there. He’ll lose interest and he’ll leave.

Rich: [being emotional] I spent my whole life running for what? Just to be all alone on Christmas Eve?

Janine: He isn’t leaving.

Steven: Janine, relax.

Janine: How can I relax when there’s a pervert lurking in our window?

Steven: He’s trying to freak us out, Janine. That’s what gets him off. Don’t give him the satisfaction.

Rich: [being emotional] Oh, I should have married Denice. I drove her away. [looking at his reflection on the window glass] Look at you. You make me sick. You ruined my life.

Son: Dad, I think the man wants to kill me.

Janine: Steven, he’s scaring our children. Stop just sitting there and be a man.

Steven: What do you want me to do, Janine?

Janine: I want you to protect our family.

Daughter: Go out there and make him leave, dad. Please.

Steven: I’m not going out there. Are you crazy? Just don’t look at him. He’ll leave.

Janine: You are a coward.

Rich: [being emotional] What have I done? Wasted years at the office. Working day in and day out. What do I have to show for it? Fancy suit? [he starts throwing away his suit] Silk tie?

Janine: Are you happy now? He is exposing himself.

Steven: Oh, sorry. I don’t want to get killed, Janine.

Janine: You are pathetic, and that is why I did what I did last summer.

Son: What happened last summer?

Steven: Your mother stepped outside of our marriage.

Daughter: What?

Rich: [being emotional] Give me another chance at life. Let me start again and have a perfect family like this.

Daughter: Mom, how could you cheat on dad?

Janine: Because I haven’t been attracted to him in years.

Jimbo: Come on, Rich. Get ahold of yourself.

Rich: Jimbo, you an angel?

Jimbo: Yeah. Something like that.

Rich: You gotta help me. I’m wasting my life.

Steven: Holy god.

Janine: Kids, don’t look at the man. Don’t look at the man.

Son: Why?

Steven: Listen to your mother!

Rich: And now I’ll never have a family.

Jimbo: I wouldn’t be too sure that.

[Denice walks in]

Denice: Rich? Rich, is that you?

Rich: Denice? What are you doing here?

Denice: Oh, I was just passing by. I’ve been thinking about you, Rich.

Rich: Denice, would you please take me back? I’m ready to have a family now.

Denice: Oh, Rich. Of course, I will.

Jimbo: Nice work boss. Nice work.

Janine: Oh, I think he’s leaving.

Steven: [yelling] Yeah, get out of here. Be it. You hear me? See? I get rid of it. You don’t have to worry anymore. You’re safe now.

Son: Way to go, dad.

Daughter: Way to go, dad.

Janine: Wow, what a hero.

[They look outside. Now Jimbo is staring inside the window. Steven gets scared and runs away.]

Blocking It Out for Christmas Cold Open

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Bowen Yang

Sarah Sherman

Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

[Starts with three adults in a Christmas party]
[cheers and applause]

Cecily: I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas.

Kenan: Is it already?

Bowen: Yeah, that’s right. Mariah Carey saw her shadow. That means two more weeks till Christmas.

Cecily: Oh, yes. What a year it’s been.

Kenan: What a three years.

Bowen: I know. I’m still signing my checks 2019.

Cecily: Well, I’m more concerned that you’re still writing checks.

Bowen: You know what I mean. I mean, the whole world is just so overwhelming sometimes. War, climate change, Prince Harry Megan Markel documentary.

Cecily: You’re right. It’s hard not to feel helpless. I think I should be doing more for myself or friends, for society. But then I remember.

[singing] It’s Christmas
and all of my stress fades away

all the problems and issues

and crying and tissues

can wait until January

Kenan: You just give your concerns a delay?

Cecily: Till Christmas

Bowen: Oh, you mean block it all out? Bury your feelings deep inside where they can’t hurt you?

Cecily: Yes, exactly.

Kenan: Like…

[singing] My drinking
it’s starting to get out of hand
I knew that it may have crossed
into a dark place
when Burger King said I was banned

But maybe I’ll just make that my brand.

Till Christmas.

Cecily: You see, you’re getting it. What about you?

Bowen: Oh, I don’t know. Let me try.

[singing] My mental health
my mental health hasn’t been great
I wake up at noon and the sun somehow setting
than I fall back asleep around eight
But I can live in the delusional states

All: For Chrismas

Sarah: Hey, we heard you guys singing about ignoring your anxiety in an unhealthy way.

Ego: You don’t mind if we join you and do a little ooze in the background?

Cecily: Sure. And you know we can complain about specific people too. Like…

[singing] Elon. 

[Sarah and Ego oozing in the background]

Why does he own all this stuff
Why does he have to run Tesla and Twitter
was outerspace not enough?

Bowen: And Hitler.

[Sarah and Ego oozing in the background]

Since when did Hitler come back?
Didn’t we basically all agree years ago
Hitler should never come back

Kenan: And why are all his new fans black?

All: For Christmas.
Let’s block it all out for Chriastmas

Kenan: There’s sober October and no nut November
so let’s introduce no remember December

Cecily: Family visits and you just want to hide
that’s why I drink eggnog with the Xanax inside

Ego: For Easter and who thinks whose lifestyles wrong

Sarah: Forget your uncle who hurt you way too long

Bowen: Your grandma will whisper your living in sin

Cecily: So just TikTok on the toilet till your ass falls in

Kenan: You’re worrying too much when you’re giving gifts
it’s easy here to buy a gun than tickets to Taylor Swift
Ego: Stop obsessing about every decision from Scotis
or the mental well being of our current protest

All: Just focus on who’s gonna die on White Lotus.
Because it’s Christmas.

[doorbell ringing]
[Devon walks in with a box]

Devon: Hey, did somebody order a Grub Hub?

Cecily: Oh, my dinner’s here. I got Italian.

Devon: Yes, that’s one order a garlic bread and 12 bottles of wine.

Cecily: Yes, that’s right. You can leave the wine over there.

Devon: Okay, and did you want the garlic bread?

Cecily: I think you know I don’t.

Kenan: Wow. I feel like all our holiday worries have gone away.

Bowen: Me too. Except for a few things, just off the top of my head.

Schools are failing kids don’t know Jack
Coleman never left and also it’s bad
Cable News is awful but I can put it
R Kelly dropped an album called ‘I admit it’

So I really want to shout
but I’m blocking everything out

for Christmas

All: For Christmas.

Sarah: Okay. So you bury all all your feelings for Christmas, okay? But what happens in January?

Cecily: Oh, then…

We explode
we freak out and threaten our ex

we drink to the point
where we contemplate murderer
and accept Venmo payments for sex
but that’s just what happens next
because for now is it’s Christmas

[Santa Clause walks in]

Santa Clause: Ho-ho-ho-ho. And live from New York… Wait did you say Venmo payments for sex?

Cecily: It’s Saturday night!

A Christmas Carol

Scrooge…Martin Short

Boy… Sarah Sherman

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to Charles Dicken’s – A Christmas Carol.

[Cut to Scrooge having a nighrmare]

Scrooge: Please. Enough of these ghostly visions. I want to be a better man. I want to live. [wakes up] Oh, I’m alive. I can’t believe I’m alive. Thank you spirits. Thank you for showing me the way. I’m as light as a feather. I’m as Merry as a schoolboy. I’m as giddy as a drunken man. And I will change. I swear to you and I will change. I just hope it’s not too late. [opens the window and points at a boy] You, lad. You down there.

Boy: Me?

Scrooge: Yes, you boy. Tell me what day is today?

Boy: It’s Christmas Day, sir.

Scrooge: Ah! Christmas! Then I haven’t missed it. The spirits came in all in one night. My dear boy, you know the prized goose in the window down the street?

Boy: The one as big as me?

Scrooge: That’s the one. Go and buy it so the Tiny Tim and his family might have a Christmas feast.

Boy: What shall I buy it with, sir? I’m so poor.

Scrooge: Well, with this, of course. [Throws a golden coin. The coin flips and flips, then hits the boy’s eye and hurts him]

Boy: Ah! Oh my god. What the hell are you doing? I’m blind.

Scrooge: Why didn’t you catch it?

Boy: You’re blaming me?

Scrooge: Then here, okay? Please take this for your medical bills.

Boy: What’s that?

[Scrooge throws another golden coin. The coin hits the boy’s another eye and hurts him]

Oh my god!

Mikey: This crazy old man is whipping coins into the eyes of orphans.

Scrooge: I didn’t know he was an orphan.

Boy: Yeah? Like I look like I have living parents?

[A spirit appears in Scrooge’s room]

Spirit: Hey, Scrooge. Just thought I’d check in and see how you… [see’s the boy’s eyes] Oh my god.

Mikey: Someone arrest that man. He’s blinding children for sport.

Andrew: He’s always been a cruel old man. He hates us orphans.

Spirit: Let me guess. You tossed the coin way up in the air, right? That’s a classic mistake. What do you want to do is toss the coin straight down. Now watch this. [Throws a coin. The coin hits Andrew’s eye now.]

Mikey: What are you doing?

Boy: I couldn’t see what happened.

Molly: He’s blinding whole town here.

Spirit: Okay, that was my bad. Here, kid. Put the ice on it. [Throws an ice which then pierces Andrew. Andrew is bleeding all over other people.]

Scrooge: That was him [pointing at spirit]

Spirit: Yeah, they can’t see me because I’m a ghost. So you look like a total psychopath.

Tiny Tim: Is it true Mr. Scrooge? Are you blinding children for fun?

Scrooge: Of course not, Tiny Tim. I’m a changed man. I tell you. Now, take this money to fix your legs. I’ll just throw it on the ground right then you can pick it up okay?

[Scrooge throws a coin on the ground, but it bounces and breaks Tiny Tim’s crutch. Tiny tim falls into sewer.]

Mikey: Scrooge just threw Tiny Tim into a sewer.

Molly: He’s the devil.

Spirit: Okay, my earlier advice was to be nicer to people, but my new advice is to lawyer up.

Scrooge: It’s fine. I can take care of this. Lets everyone keep quiet about this whole incident, shall we? And I’ll make it worth your while.

[Scrooge throws a bunch of coins which now is hurting a lot of people.]

Mikey: Please stop yelling and throwing shiny objects. You’re going to spook the horse.

[The horse kicks Mikey’s head off]

Scrooge: Okay, well, we’ve all learned a lot today, haven’t we? But the most important lesson is, Merry Christmas.

[Scrooge closes the window. The glass shatters and falls off, and hurts a lot of people again.]

Male voice: Apple pay, never use coins again.

Tina Fey & Michael Che with a Special Christmas Weekend Update

Tina Fey

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Tina Fey and Michael Che on SNL stage]

Michael Che: Hey, what’s up? I’m Michael Che.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey

Michael Che: Okay, so this is the part of the show where we would normally do Update and Tina was gonna do update with me because Colin is not here tonight.

Tina Fey: It’s not what you think. He’s having worked on?

Michael Che: So, we thought we’d read these dumb jokes anyway, and just see if we can make these guys laugh.

[Tom Hanks, Paul Rudd and Kenan Thompson are only the audience they have]

Tina Fey: Yeah, you guys ready? Hanks, are you ready? May I call you Hanks?

Tom Hanks: I’d rather you did.

Tina Fey: Okay. And can we confirm that you have never heard these jokes before?

Tom Hanks: Not a one. Except the two you blew in the rehearse.

Michael Che: Alright. Perfect. Well, it’s Christmas. So, let’s start with some good news, Tina. O.J. Simpson has been released from parole two months early because of good behavior. Said O.J., “I can’t believe I got out of parole early but I did it. I did it.”

Tina Fey: Time Magazine has named Elon Musk person of the year. You can read more about it on your phone while your Tesla is self driving you into a lake.

Michael Che: It was revealed that on January 6, three Fox News hosts all texted Mark Meadows to urge him to get Trump to call off his supporters. And you know you’ve gone too far when Fox News is like, “Somebody better calm these white people down.”

Tina Fey: This week marks the one year anniversary of the first person in the US to get the COVID vaccine and all I had to do was lying about being a nurse. I blew it again!

Michael Che: Mayor elect Eric Adams has selected New York City’s first ever female police commissioner, which means policing is about to get a lot more passive aggressive. There’s more. You wanna hear the other part? Instead of stop and frisk, they’re gonna go through your phone while you’re in the shower.

Tina Fey: German police have broken up a plot by anti vaxxers to kill a local official over vaccine mandates. It’s a classic conflict between Germany’s two favorite things, violence and rules. Hanks likes that one. Because it’s about Germans.

Michael Che: A judge in Louisiana took a leave of absence after she was caught on video using the N word, which is the kind of story that makes me wonder why are me and Kenan the only cast members here?

Tina Fey: One of the creators of the original Nintendo Entertainment System has died at the age of 78 after doctors made multiple attempts to blow on him and stick him back in.

Michael Che: Texas police arrested a woman after she tried to hide inside of a refrigerator. So, congratulations to the fat cop who decided to check out the fridge during the raid.

Tina Fey: NASA announced that for the first time in history a spacecraft has touched the sun by flying through its upper atmosphere, NASA was finally able to complete the impossible mission by going at night.

Michael Che: That’s smart.

Tina Fey: It’s a thinker.

Michael Che: After 37 players in the NFL tested positive in one day, the league is mandating booster shots for coaches and some team personnel. And hopefully the Jets booster shots will come with a little bit of steroids.

Tina Fey: The FDA said it will permanently allow people to get abortion pills through the mail which means your pill should arrive just in time for your child’s first birthday.

Michael Che: Oh you’ll like this one, Hanks. Dozens of camels were disqualified from Saudi Arabia’s annual camel beauty contest because they got botox and facelifts to make them more attractive. But hey man, we ain’t looking at their faces. Am I right? [Tom Hanks is laughing hard] Look at his face!

Tom Hanks: You’re killing me.

Tina Fey: The Jacksonville Jaguars fired head coach Urban Meyer hours after being accused of kicking a player. Worse the player was somehow returned for a touchdown.

Michael Che: Bakers in Massachusetts have created the world’s largest pot brownie weighing 850 pounds. They came up with the idea after eating the world’s second largest pot brownie.

Tina Fey: A Florida man was kicked off a plane for wearing women’s underwear as a facemask because federal law requires you to at least put in a maxi pad. That one stays.

Michael Che: It was reported that Bruce Springsteen sold the rights for his music catalog for more than $500 million. So, hopefully he finally has money to move out of New Jersey.

Tina Fey: An ethics panel has ordered Andrew Cuomo to return the $5 million in profits he earned from the book he wrote about the pandemic. Said Cuomo “Okay, but you got to reach down in my pocket and take it out yourself sweetheart.” For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight. Merry Christmas.

 

The Global Warming Christmas Special

Carl Sagan…..Mike Myers
Dean Martin…..Tom Hanks
Sally Struthers…..Victoria Jackson
Crystal Gayle…..Jan Hooks
Isaac Asimov…..Phil Hartman
Paul McCartney…..Dan Carvey
George Hamilton…..Kevin Nealon
…..Ralph Nader
…..Dom DeLuise…..Chris Farley
Petula Clark…..Julia Sweeney

[Starts with Tom Hanks on SNL stage]

Tom Hanks: I miss when Christmas was worry free. When there was no pandemic. And the scariest thing we were worried about was global warming. Back in the day, we thought this was a huge deal. But then it all just magically disappeared. [listening to his ear piece] What’s that? Oh, it’s still here. And it’s still bad. Ah, well, in that case, here’s one of my favorite sketches from my fifth time hosting in 1991.

[Cut to the sketch]

Announcer: It’s The Global Warming Christmas Special, with Carl Sagan. Starring Kirstie Alley, Dr. William R Keeler from the Chicago Institute of Meteorological Studies, funnyman Louie Anderson, Professor I. Bennet Eckling, Chief Atmospheric Physicist from the World Resources Institute, Jamie Farr and many, many more. And now, here he is – Carl Sagan!

[ Carl Sagan enters the summer-styled Christmas village set ]

Carl Sagan: Good evening, and welcome to my first Global Warming Christmas Special. It’s a tradition which I fear will continue for years to come, because, the way things are going, global warming will be around for a long time. Now, here’s someone else who’s been around for a long time, a man who’s hosted many a Christmas show himself – Mr. Dean Martin.

[ Dean Martin enters with a glass of vodka and a lit cigarette ]

Carl Sagan: Welcome, Dean. I hope this special will prove to be enlightening and entertaining.

Dean Martin: Hello there, Carl. You just show me where the cue cards and we’ll take care of this whole thing.

Carl Sagan: Okay, Dean, because after all..

[ singing ]

“The Earth’s atmosphere operates
as a greenhouse, if you will.”

Dean Martin“When there’s too much carbon dioxide
it blocks out all the..”

Carl Sagan:“Our CO2 concentration
has risen to 350 parts per million
mostly due to the fossil fuel,
consumption and horizon other trace gases.”

Dean Martin“Methane, nitrogen oxide
and cho-based molecules..”

Carl Sagan: [ interrupting ] Excuse me, Dean. Dean, that’s not “cho”, that’s “C-H-O-H”, a base molecule for all chlorofloral carbons. I wish you’d shown up for rehearsal.

Dean Martin: Well, it sure looks like “cho” to me, Professor! [ laughs ]

Carl Sagan: Well, perhaps we should simply proceed to the final refrain.

Dean Martin: Oh, lead the way!

Together“‘Cause you just can’t tell it’s Christmas anywhere!!”

Carl Sagan: Thank you. Dean, join me as we examine Christmas in an artificially-warmed envorinmoent.

Dean Martin: Oh now, hold on there, Einstein! Where’s all the snow?

Carl Sagan: Well, Dean, if you’d paid attention to the lyrics you just sang, you’d realize that in a greenhouse climate, the chief precipitant would be rain.

Dean Martin: Ooh, that ain’t right!

Carl Sagan: Cheer up, Dino. Let’s decorate the greenhouse-affected Christmas tree, shall we? [ they walk over to a group of kids and Sally Struthers decorating a two-foot tall Christmas tree ] Believe it or not, Dean, you’re looking at the world’s largest Christmas tree in our new twisted eco-system.

Dean Martin: Ooh now, that’s so upsetting!

Carl Sagan: And look who’s here trimming the tree. It’s Archie Bunker’s daughter, Sally Struthers. Welcome, Sally.

Sally Struthers: [ visibly upset ] Carl, can I say something?

Carl Sagan: Please.

[ close-up of Sally’s tear-streaked face ]

Sally Struthers: We can’t allow this to happen.. Won’t you please, please send money.. to wherever.. money is sent.. to fix.. this terrible.. tree thing.. Please..!

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Sally. Thank you. So you see, folks, if the poles continue to melt as they are, we’ll all be in hot water! [ chuckles at his inane joke ]

Dean Martin: Well, now, what about the folks like me, who already live in the desert?

Carl Sagan: Dean, the mean temperature in Las Vegas will one day rise to 156 degrees, making it uninhabitable and rendering such landmarks as the Aladdin Hotel stark monuments to an age of self-indulgence.

Dean Martin: Ooh, well what about Tahoe?

Carl Sagan: It’ll be fine. Now, here to sing a Yuletide classic, Crystal Gayle and popular science fiction writer Isaac Asimov.

[ Crystal Gayle and Isaac Asimov enter, singing ]

Crystal Gayle: Pretty sidewalks

Isaac Asimov: In the air, there’s a feeling Christmas

Crystal Gayle: Silver bells

Isaac Asimov: Tiny silver bells

Crystal Gayle: Silver bells

Isaac Asimov: Tiny silver bells

Crystal Gayle: It’s Christmas time in the city!

[ Carl throws red paint onto Crystal’s fur coat ]

Crystal Gayle: [ outraged ] Wha-? Hey! What’s this?

Carl Sagan: I’m sorry, Crystal. I realize that global warming is the theme of this special. However, fur is indeed murder!

Crystal Gayle: You got paint in my hair, you nerd! God!

Carl Sagan: Now, then, it’s time for the traditional gift exchange. And look who’s joined us. Former Beatle Paul McCartney and his wife, Linda.

Paul McCartney: Well, we just thought we’d drop by and do our part, ’cause you know, it’s global warming, it’s madness! You know, it’s killing us! You know, the other day I said to Linda, “We’re losing the bloody planet!” And after the planet, what have you got? You can’t live in the sky or in the sun! There’s nowhere to stand! you know, you’d just be falling all the time, and then what have you got? I mean, think about it, you know? You could bring a chair, so that you could have a sit. But if you think that chair’s not gonna fall, you’d be bloody wrong. ‘Cause it will, and then what have you got? You’re right back where you started, standing in the sun without a chair.

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Paul.

Paul McCartney: It’s bloody madness!

Dean Martin: [ interrupting ] Aw, let’s open the presents, Ringo!

Carl Sagan: Very well, Dean. But remember, these gifts have been altered by our environmental neglect.

Dean Martin: Oh yeah, yeah. You sound like a broken record! Now, which one is mine?

Carl Sagan: [ hands Dean a present ] Okay, here you go, Dean. It’s peanut brittle.

Dean Martin: [ excited ] Oh, man, I loves the peanut brittle now.. [ reaches into the box to find a sticky mess ] Oh, wait, hey, hey, what’s going on here now?

Carl Sagan: In the atmosphere greenhouse of tomorrow, molasses-based candies will liquify, even on the mildest days.

Dean Martin: Hmm..

Paul McCartney: It’s madness, I tell you!

Sally Struthers: [ sobbing ] People, we can’t let this happen..!

Dean Martin: [ eating his peanut brittle anyway ] Mmm, well, it’s not bad! [ wipes off his sticky peanut butter fingers in Crystal Gayle’s hair ]

Crystal Gayle: [ annoyed ] What are you doing?! What are you doing?!

Dean Martin: Oh.. sorry..

Carl Sagan: Okay, everybody, we’ve had some fun, but now it’s time for a special Christmas message from our guest, Mr. George Hamilton.

[ dissolve to George Hamilton’s pre-taped message ]

George Hamilton: Hello, everyone. Does my tan frighten you? Perhaps, it should. What you’re looking at is the tan of the future. Unless America changes it ways, when I look at a knockout babe like Dyan Cannon, and I see the ravages that ozone depletion has wrought on her leathery, flaking skin, I think, “My God, what have these fools done?” For those of my generation – for John Derek, for Bob Guccione – it may be too late. But who will speak for the Rob Lowes? For the Chad Lowes? For the Lorenzo Lamas’? Or the two Coreys? What kind of tan can they expect? Certainly not a healthy, golden tan. Not even a tawny bronze. The best they can hope for is a light cocoa. Think about that this Christmas.

[ dissolve back to Carl Sagan standing next to Ralph Nader in the Christmas village ]

Carl Sagan: Now, we will enjoy a rendition of “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas”, by my colleague Ralph Nader.

[ drunken Dean Martin rushes into the scene ]

Dean Martin: Oh now, alright boy, alright, that’s very nice! Now, you’re a nice fella, but we all get the idea! Now, let’s do a real Christmas show! Ladies and gentlemen, The Vogue Gold Diggers!

[ Vogue Gold Diggers dance into the Christmas village ]

Dean MartinMr. Dom DeLuise!

[ Dom DeLuise enters, tosses a rubber chicken and blows a kiss to the audience ]

Dean MartinMiss Petula Clark!

[ Petula Clark runs into the Christmas village ]

Dean Martin: [ to Carl Sagan, pleased ] Well, now, boy.. boy, what did you think there?

Carl Sagan: Interesting. It harks back to a time when Christmas specials were wasteful and excessive.

Dean Martin: Oh, that’s right. [ to one of the Vogue Gold Diggers ] Oh, Lydia? Take care of my friend here.

[ Lydia hugs Carl ]

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Dean!

Dean Martin: Don’t mention it. We’ll be right back!

Christmas Cards

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Alex getting back home from work]

Melissa: Hey, sweetie, how was work?

Alex: Oh, baby. Incredible. Incredible. We had a great meeting about some exciting emerging markets with growth potential. You want to hear the deeds?

Melissa: No thanks. But look what I did. I put up all our Christmas cards on the fridge. What’s festive, right?

Alex: Yeah. Wow. We got a lot of cards this year. Man. We know a lot of people, huh?

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a family with many kids]

Mikey: People like me, your super white, super Christian neighbor. Here on the beach with my wife and our army of blonde children. All in matching white shirts and jeans.

Chloe: And yes, this is the seventh Christmas card in a row I’ve been pregnant. I’m never not pregnant.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a white woman and a black man. The woman is pregnant.]

Heidi: Did someone use the word pregnant? I am too. I’m your cousin who’s made pregnancy my entire personality. I started planning this Christmas card as I was peeing on the pregnancy tests.

Chris: And I’m the husband whose name you will never learn. As you can see my eyes, I’m not that into this card concept but she is. I wasn’t given a choice.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture a man who has hunted a deer]

Pete: Speaking of cousins, I’m your cousin from Wisconsin. Merry Christmas for me and this animal I killed.

Alex: Man everybody looks so happy but I don’t recognize her though.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a black woman]

Donna: Happy holidays from Dr. Donna Woods of smile time dental partners. You are two years late for your six months cleaning.

Melissa: I’ll go and COVID’s over. Oh, did you see Pearson Leonard’s card?

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a gay couple]

Pearson: Of course, you di. It’s stunning.

Kenan: Stunning.

Pearson: What else would you expect from the well off middle aged gay couple your wife is friends with? As usual, we’re dressed to the nines and holding our gross old little dog you cannot believe is still alive.

Alex: Oh my god, that rat dog of theirs is still alive? How?

Kenan: Simple, hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical procedures. That’s how. All of which the vet prefaced with? I mean, what are we gaining? Two, three months at the most?

Alex: Wait, is that your friend Ruth with Miley Cyrus? Are they friends?

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a black woman with Miley Cyrus]

Ruth: No, we are not. For what better way to remind you that I met a celebrity at a restaurant 11 months ago than with my Christmas card?

Miley Cyrus: This woman came up to my table and said, “You’re Anna Montana”, and then said that she hated my music.

Ruth: I’m just being honest. It’s not for me.

Miley Cyrus: She asked for a photo and implied that if I didn’t take it, it was because I was racist.

Ruth: That’s true. And I use that a lot.

Miley Cyrus: So, I took the picture. So, I guess Merry Christmas from Miley and…

Ruth: You don’t know my name? You racist.

Melissa: Man Ruth is so cool. She’s friends with famous people. Oh, by the way, who’s Barbara Jacobs again?

Alex: That’s one of my mom’s friends.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a woman in her snorkeling suit]

Barbara: Happy holidays for me. Your mom’s single friend who’s looked 52 years old since you were a baby. You’re now the drill. Every year my Christmas card is a picture of me alone on a crazy ass vacation. Last year I was on top of a mountain. This year I’m snorkeling off the coast of a volcano. What’s my deal? Am I a lesbian or a wealthy widow? You don’t care enough to ask your mom so y’all never know.

Alex: Wait. Who’s that in the pajamas?

Melissa: That’s Harper. We went to high school together.

Alex: Oh, and you guys were friends?

Melissa: Yeah.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a woman and a man and a boy wearing same shirt]

Harper: No, we weren’t. I made her life a living hell. What’s new with me? Let’s see. Still a bitch. Still richer than her and still married to my handsome yet boring husband who cheats on me?

Husband: Ha-ha-ha. I do cheat on her a lot.

Harper: What else? Oh, my son is 15 now. He’s growing into a fine young INCEL.

Boy: It’s a girl’s faults that I’m not cool.

Harper: And if our matching pajamas don’t make you hate us, flip the card for a long braggy list of what our family did this year.

Husband: Spoiler alert. We moved into a huge house on the lake.

Boy: I don’t like the lake because you have to wear swim trunks and I’m at the part of puberty where I look like a newborn giraffe.

Harper: Even though you think I’m a tacky fake bitch, I know that my Christmas cards make you jealous. And I love that I still have that power over you. So, Happy Holidays, tampon girl. That’s what I called your wife in high school.

Alex: Wow, Harper seems real nice. Hey, thanks for doing this babe. You know, I love that we can just see all of our friends and family just by walking into the kitchen.

[phone notification ring]

Melissa: Oh, oh no. Leonard’s dog is going into surgery again.

Kenan: Tthoughts and prayers for our beloved Pablo. He needs a new spine.

Pearson: It’s gonna cost $150,000 But how can you say no to this thing?

Angelo Christmas

Chris Redd

Cecily Strong

Doug… Mikey Day

Angelo… Aristotle Athari

Deb… Billie Eilish

[Starts with Chris singing on the stage]

Chris: Hark, the herald angels sing
Glory to the newborn king

Yeah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Cecily: Wow! That was beautiful.

Doug: [flirting] Almost as beautiful as you.

Cecily: Oh, shut your ugly, stupid mouth.

Chris: Now, folks, we do have a surprise guest tonight. Well, ladies and gentlemen, international singing sensation, Angelo!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Cecily: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It’s Angelo

Doug: Wait. Who’s Angelo? I’ve never heard of him

Cecily: He just takes a word from the audience, and then songs just flow out of him.

Doug: Oh, okay, cool.

Angelo: Hello, everybody. Merry Christmas for this. Can I get one word?

Cecily: Oh, you go, Doug.

Doug: Uh, sweet. Okay, maybe something Christmasy. Eggnog.

Angelo: Say for me?

Doug: Eggnog!

Angelo: S-Say for me?

Doug: [shouting] Eggnog!

Angelo: Eggfalbalfalcalvaras.

[singing gibberish]

If I ever sing like that for me like this like that
If I ever sing like this for me like this tonight

Thank you for this.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Cecily: My God! What a daring, brave artist.

Doug: Daring?I didn’t really understand what he was–

Cecily: Shut up, Doug! He’s starting.

Doug: Okay.

Angelo: Can I get another word, please?

Cecily: Doug, come on, do it.

Doug: I don’t know.I don’t think I get what he’s doing. Can he do other songs, like “Jingle Bells?”

Angelo: Say — say for me?

Doug: I said, “Jingle Bells.”

Angelo: Jingfarballafalbalas

Doug: Okay, so he heard “Jingle Bells.”

Angelo: If I ever sing like that for me like that for me
If I ever sing like that for me tonight

Thank you for this.

[Cheers and applause]

Cecily: His gift to the world is his music.

Doug: His gift is saying, “Tonight.”

Angelo: Now I bring sing for this.

[Deb walks in.] [Cheers and applause]

Cecily: Whoa! Okay, this is huge. It’s Reykjavik’s very own, the toast of Iceland, Deb.

Doug: Deb? What is this?!

Cecily: It’s called culture, Doug! Read a book.

Deb: First thing, I need one word.

Angelo: Yes, one word.

[Cecily is looking at Doug for the word]

Doug: Oh, my God. Fine. Mistletoe!

Deb: Say it — Say it for us.

Doug: I am! Mistletoe!

Angelo: Mislefarvos.

Deb: Mislefarmis.

Check, one, two
A little louder, Gary.

Thank you.

Doug: That was it?

Cecily: Angelo and Deb. I feel like I could actually cry.

Doug: I think she just sound-checked her mic and —

Cecily: Doug, Doug, do you have gunk in your ears?

Doug: No.

Cecily: “Check, check.” She’s checking on you and on all of us during a pandemic, Doug.

Doug: What? And who is Gary?Is that their tech guy?

Cecily: Gary is all of us, moron!

Doug: What?!

Angelo: Another word.

Deb: One suggest, please.

Angelo: Another one word.

[Cecily is looking at Doug for the word]

Doug: Stop looking at me like that! They’re just going to mess it up anyway. Frugal boogle.

Angelo and Deb: Frankincense.

Doug: Okay, at least that’s a word.

Angelo: I know that
if ever say
Light is for this
I never have

Deb: Check, check, mic check

Angelo and Deb: Little little little louder Gary
Little little little louder Gary
Tonight.

Deb: Thank you for this.

Angelo: Thank you for this.

Doug: Oh, my God!I was wrong! Angelo and Deb are incredible! God bless us, everyone! Ha ha!

 

Weekend Update- Christmas Joke Swap 2020

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, tonight is our Christmas show and we have a tradition where Che and I give each other jokes to read.

Michael Che: Oh, yes. That’s true. We’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: Yes. Fun, harmless, inoffensive jokes, right Che?

Michael Che: Hey, man. Why don’t you go first?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of coronavirus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Many doctors are saying that they have a hard time convincing their black patients to agree to take the covid vaccine. Well, maybe they should try telling them, “It makes you immune from paying child support.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of “Hocus Pocus” movie poster at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Whoa! That’s pretty racist, Colin! It was revealed that the sequel of the movie “Hocus Pocus” is in the words for Disney+, which judging by this picture is movie about every white woman I’ve ever slept with. Cool.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rosa Parks at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week marks the 65th anniversary of Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on an Alabama bus. I just wish that all black people could follow her example of sitting down and shutting up.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeffery Epstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] Oh. The palm beach mansion once owned by Jeffery Epstein will soon be demolished. And I’m honestly shocked that they would demolish a place where I have so many fond memories. Rest in power, king.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Creed’s front man Scott Stapp at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: God! It was announced that Creed’s singer Scott Stapp will play Frank Sinatra in an upcoming movie. But the good news is Sammy Davis Jr. will be played by Scarlett Johansson.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.