Weekend Update- Christmas Joke Swap 2020

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, tonight is our Christmas show and we have a tradition where Che and I give each other jokes to read.

Michael Che: Oh, yes. That’s true. We’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: Yes. Fun, harmless, inoffensive jokes, right Che?

Michael Che: Hey, man. Why don’t you go first?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of coronavirus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Many doctors are saying that they have a hard time convincing their black patients to agree to take the covid vaccine. Well, maybe they should try telling them, “It makes you immune from paying child support.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of “Hocus Pocus” movie poster at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Whoa! That’s pretty racist, Colin! It was revealed that the sequel of the movie “Hocus Pocus” is in the words for Disney+, which judging by this picture is movie about every white woman I’ve ever slept with. Cool.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rosa Parks at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week marks the 65th anniversary of Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on an Alabama bus. I just wish that all black people could follow her example of sitting down and shutting up.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeffery Epstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] Oh. The palm beach mansion once owned by Jeffery Epstein will soon be demolished. And I’m honestly shocked that they would demolish a place where I have so many fond memories. Rest in power, king.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Creed’s front man Scott Stapp at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: God! It was announced that Creed’s singer Scott Stapp will play Frank Sinatra in an upcoming movie. But the good news is Sammy Davis Jr. will be played by Scarlett Johansson.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Home for Christmas

Katie… Lauren Holt

Dad.. Beck Bennett

Mom… Melissa Villaseñor

Punkie Johnson

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Grandpa… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Katie getting in the home]

Katie: Hello, is the coast clear? Anybody home?

Dad: Katie, sweetheart!

Punkie: Oh my god. Wait, Katie’s here? I thought you said you couldn’t come home for Christmas. That’s why grandpa’s been so depressed all waek.

Katie: I know. But since I’m a nurse, I was able to get the vaccine. So, I drove all night and dad and I cooked up the surprise.

Sue: [getting excited] Oh my god.

Dad: Yeah. We’re going to do it as soon as he gets home.

Sue: [getting too excited] My god! A surprise? Tonight?

Dad: Yes, Sue. Dad thinks it’s just us for dinner as usual.

Sue: Oh my god! And Katie’s here! With her antibodies?

Katie: I can see that Sue is glad to be a part of this.

Sue: I’m sorry. I love surprises. I’m so excited to see this freaking happen. God, he doesn’t know?

Katie: So, where is Pops now?

Dad: Okay. So, I didn’t know how to get him out of the house. So, I told him to finally take his coins to Coinstar.

Punkie: Should we have Katie hide behind the tree when he gets here?

Sue: [yelling] Yes!

Mom: Sue! Sue! We’re gonna have to keep this a secret when pops gets here. I hope you can keep it together and don’t ruin the surprise.

Katie: Sue? What are you doing?

Sue: [Sue is pulling off her sweater and covering her face] I’m so hot! I’m so freaking excited!

Punkie: Sue! Put your shirt back on.

Sue: He’s going to walk in here with his coin credit. And she’s going to come out from behind the tree. And we all know.

Dad: Yeah. Well, that’s what we’re hoping for.

Mom: Okay. So, how long do you think we have until pops–

Sue: I’m sorry. Oh god! I’m going to have some of this jello. I gotta eat sugar. Gelatin. I’m freaking going to pass out. Oh god.

Dad: Okay. Well, what if I play “I’ll be home for Christmas” when he comes in?

Katie: I love that idea. Sue?

[Sue had her head inside jello]

Punkie: Sue! You have to get yourself together. Katie traveled a long way. You’re going to ruin the surprise!

Sue: I’m sorry. Yes. I think if we just had a practice round, I’d feel better.

Dad: Oh, yes. That’s actually really good idea. Katie, go behind the tree.

Katie: You got it.

Mom: I’m on the music.

Dad: Okay. Now, everyone act natural. I’m dad. I’m coming home from Coinstar. I don’t expect anything because everyone’s acting normal and then Katie jumps out and says–

[Katie walks out from behind the tree. But Sue runs in and pushes Katie away.]

Sue: [shouting] Surprise!

Punkie: Oh my god! Sue! You knocked Katie on to the floor. [to Katie] Are you okay?

Katie: It’s fine. I just landed where I got my shot.

Dad: Oh my gosh. Dad’s back. This is it.

Mom: Okay Katie, hide. Everyone else, act natural. Sue, stay over there and don’t say a word.

[Grandpa walks in]

Dad: Hey, hey, dad!

Grandpa: Oh, good. Everyone’s together. Well, that’s great. But gosh, I just still wish Katie was here.

Mom: Yeah. We wish Katie were here too. Right guys?

Dad: Yeah. Sure do, dad.

Punkie: Maybe next year.

[Sue has Christmas socks inside her mouth.]

Grandpa: What’s going on with Sue? Everyone’s acting weird.

Punkie: Sue?

[Sue is moving around not being able to keep the secret]

Sue: Someone’s upstairs.

Mom: Sue!

Sue: No one! Who? A girl. No. She traveled. What? Yes. Oh. Stop. God! You thought she wasn’t coming. Who? Her. She got here. Pfizer.  What? Oh god. You’re going to be surprised! Oh god. Here it comes. Oh god. Here it comes.

Dad: Stop. Don’t say it. Sue!

[Sue runs out through the window breaking it.]

Grandpa: Good lord. What on earth? Did Sue just punch through the window and jump outside?

[Katie walks out]

Katie: Hi, pops.

Grandpa: What?

Katie: It was supposed to be a surprise.

Grandpa: Katie, you made it. This makes everything all better.

Mom: Oh, come on, everybody. Let’s eat. I have ham in the oven.

Sue: Ham? [Sue jumps in through the chimney] I love ham for Christmas!

[Sue holds the Christmas tree and pulls it out through the broken window]

Dad: My outdoor lights!

Christmas Morning

Brother… Kyle Mooney

Sister… Chloe Fineman

Dad… Beck Bennett

Mom… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with kids waking their parents up in the morning of Christmas.]

Speaker 1: Mom, dad, get up!

Speaker 2: Come on, you guys. Wake up. Wake up.

[musicplaying]

All: It’s Christmas morning. Let’s open up our presents.

BROTHER: Well, I got a Nerf gun!

SISTER: I got a hat!

DAD: I got an autographed baseball bat!

BROTHER: I got a telescope!

SISTER: I got a globe!

DAD: I got a watch!

MOM: And I got a robe!

BROTHER: I got Hulk hands!

DAD: I got a tie!

SISTER: And I got a copy of The Catcher in the Rye!

BROTHER: I got a drum set!

SISTER: I got a phone!

DAD: I got a pen!

MOM: And I got a robe

DAD: I got an outdoor pizza oven!

BROTHER: I got a cameo from McLovin!

SISTER: I got a hoverboard!

BROTHER: I got a drone!

DAD: I got a laptop!

MOM: And I got a robe
Thanks for the robe, it’s really really nice
Thanks for the robe, guys, this is great

BROTHER: I got headphones!

SISTER: I got a wig!

BROTHER AND SISTER: We got the piano from Big!

DAD: I got a vintage pinball machine!

MOM: And I’m gonna make us breakfast!
In my brand new robe which I love so much
It’s really really soft! Oh, it’s on sale

SISTER: I got a sword!

DAD: I got shades!

BROTHER AND SISTER: We got pairs of rollerblades!

BROTHER: I got a Lego Millennium Falcon!

MOM: And I burned my arm in the oven
It hurt pretty bad, but I didn’t even scream
‘Cause I keep the pain inside of me

ALL: More and more presents
Let’s open up our stockings

BROTHER: Mine has a set of travel games!

SISTER: And mine is stuffed with candy canes!

DAD: Mine has a bottle of nice cologne!

MOM: And mine is completely empty
Just a big, flat sock with nothing inside
I only hang it up ’cause it looks kinda weird
If it’s missing in our pictures

DAD: Hold on now, what’s this I see?

SISTER: A few more presents beneath the tree!

BROTHER: Looks like someone’s got a big surprise

MOM: Oh, you guys really didn’t need to get me–

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: It’s presents for the dog!

BROTHER: He got a bone and a squeaky toy!

DAD: And peanut butter treats

BROTHER AND SISTER: ‘Cause he’s a good boy!

SISTER: So many presents, but he deserves it!

BROTHER AND SISTER: And he got a robe!

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: It’s Christmas morning! Let’s take a family picture!

MOM: John, I don’t have any makeup on. I was up until 4 in the —

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: What a great picture! Let’s post it on the internet!

Male voice:  Your mom does everything for your family. This year, get her more than one present. Moms like stuff, too

BROTHER: Who touched my piano?

MOM: [yelling] It was an accident!

Weekend Update- Melissa Villaseñor on Christmas and Dolly Parton

Colin Jost

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, there’s simply no denying it guys, it’s the holiday season. Here with some of her favorite Christmas albums is our own Melissa Villaseñor.

[Melissa Villaseñor slides in. She is dressed like Dolly Parton.]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah. Hey, Colin. I’m so excited to be here to talk about Christmas music.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Melissa, I’m a little nervous to ask you this but are you dressed as Dolly Parton?

Melissa Villaseñor: What? No. This is my special Christmas outfit. [pointing at her breasts] And these are my regular big old things. I’m here to talk about Christmas.

Colin Jost: Are you sure? I’m just asking because you’ve been trying to get your Dolly Parton impression on the show for a while now.

Melissa Villaseñor: No. I’m 100% just here to sing Christmas songs. Okay?

Colin Jost: Alright. What are some of your favorites?

Melissa Villaseñor: Mm. It’s a tough one, but definitely Holly Jolly Christmas. It’s so joyful. Here, I’ll sing it.

[music playing]
[singing in Dolly Parton’s voice] Have a Holly Jolly Christmas
it’s the best time of the year
now I don’t know if there’ll be snow
but have a cup of cheer

Oh, I just love Christmas.

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s great, but you were just doing a Dolly Parton impression.

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey buddy, eyes up here. [telling Colin to stop staring at her breasts and look at her eyes.]

Colin Jost: What are you pointing down for?

Melissa Villaseñor: You know another song I really like? Jingle Bells, okay? What a classic. Right? It goes like this.

[music playing]
[singing in Dolly Parton’s voice like the song “Jolene”] Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells all the way
I’m begging of you please don’t take Jolene

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s not how Jingle Bells goes and it’s also not really how Jolene goes. Melissa, just if you want to do Dolly song, just be up front with me.

Melissa Villaseñor: [pointing at her breasts] I am being extremely upfront. I almost had trouble walking out here. Okay, fine. Yeah. News flash. I want to be Dolly. Who doesn’t? She’s the coolest. She’s a great singer. She writes her own songs. She donated $1 million to the vaccine. plus, there’s a new story this week that she saved a kid from getting hit by a car. Which made me mad because I was speeding up to hit him. Kidding. Alright. Look. I’ll sing you one actual Christmas song. A real one this time. Okay? Growing up, my family and I, we would go to mass, midnight mass which was in Latin. This was my hymn.

[music playing]

Colin Jost: Melissa, I know what this is.

Melissa Villaseñor: [singing] Working 9 to 5
What a way to make a livin’
Barely gettin’ by
It’s all takin’ and no givin’
They just use your mind
Colin Jost: Melissa Villaseñor, everyone.

Melissa Villaseñor: I’m not coming to work next week. [pointing at her breasts] I’m going to get big thing.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Melania’s Christmas Decorations, Hamilton Returns

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Christmas decoration at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Melania Trump revealed that the theme of this year’s White House Christmas decoration is “America the beautiful” which is a big change from her previous theme “Eyes wide shut.” [picture changes to Melania Trump’s last year’s decoration.] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a moon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, there was a full moon known as the beaver moon, which can be seen about a month after a waxing moon.

Michael Che: That’s a goo joke.

[picture changes to a picture of Hamilton show]

Colin Jost: Insiders are saying that producers for the broadway hit Hamilton are planning to reopen the show on July 4th. Hopefully with some god damn white actors this tome!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Drake and a candle at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Drake has released a line of scented candles that smell like him. And unfortunately, so had DJ Khaled.

[Picture changes to a news articles saying ‘Doctor removes magnetic beads from 5 year old.]

Doctors in China removed more than a 120 magnetic beads swallowed by a 5 year old boy. Wow. Wait till his boss at the factory hears about this.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a horse at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Firefighters in Florida rescued a horse that fell into a septic tank and was nearly submerged in raw sewage. A horse submerged in raw sewage is also known as an Arby’s Beef N’ Cheddar. [picture changes to Arby’s burger] [Cut to Arby’s commercial]

Male voice: Arby’s, we eat the horse.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: 102 year old woman from New York who survived the 1918 Spanish flu has now beat coronavirus twice. But sadly, she was no match for my car.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a map of Poland at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The world’s deepest swimming pool has opened in Poland. Even more amazing, it’s above ground.

The Christmas Conversation

Lauren Holt

Lauren’s mom… Heidi Garner

Ego Nwodim

Ego’s mom… Punkie Johnson

Marie… Chloe Fineman

Marie’s mom… Kate McKinnon

Marie’s dad… Jason Bateman

[Starts with Lauren video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]

Lauren’s mom: Hi, honey. I miss you so much.

Lauren: Hi, mom. I miss you too.

[Cut to Ego video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]

Ego’s mom: Oh, hey, baby. You called me just in time. I’m just in here making gumbo. I bet you miss my cooking now, don’t you?

Ego: You know I do, mama.

[Cut to Marie video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]

Marie: Hey, mom.

Marie’s mom: Hi, wait. I look terrible right now. Do we have to screentime?

Marie: Mom. You look fine.

Marie’s mom: Okay.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I was calling because I just wanted to let you know–

Ego: Mama, I don’t want you to get upset

Lauren, Ego and Marie: I won’t be able to come home for Christmas this year.

[Cut to “The Christmas Conversation” video bumper.]

Lauren’s mom: Oh, honey. You do not need to come home for Christmas, okay? I just want you to be safe.

Lauren: Really? Thanks, mom.

Lauren’s mom: Yeah. And I guess since you won’t be coming, I’ll just throw your stocking in the fire.

Lauren: Mom!

Ego: I just don’t think it’s safe.

Ego’s mom: Okay. Let’s talk about this later.

Ego: When?

Ego’s mom: When you’ve changed your damn mind.

Marie: I just don’t think it makes sense for me to travel right now.

Marie’s mom: If you don’t love me, Marie, just say so.

Marie: Oh my god! Mom!

Marie’s mom: I didn’t raise a coward.

Lauren’s mom: I totally agree about Christmas. But I do need you to come home tonight. There has been an emergency. Because I actually put all your old stuff in bags and I’ll need you to tell me what to donate. What about your first christening dress? is to keep or?

[Now, Maries dad is also with her mom.]

Marie’s dad: You know, your mother really misses you.

Marie: I know dad.

Marie’s dad: Are you not getting mad?

Marie: I know.

Marie’s dad: Is your heart not working, baby? This is your mother here.

Marie: I can tell.

Lauren’s mom: Oh my god! Look at that. Your first track meet. Remember how fast you were? How fast you were when you ran away from me half way across the country to Chicago? Should I get rid of it? Great!

Ego’s mom: We’re being safe. We’ve even quarantined in different rooms.

Ego: What? Why?

Ego’s mom: For safety.

[Ego’s dad joins the video call]

Ego’s dad: Hi, sweetie.

Ego’s mom: Your daughter has decided not to come home for Christmas this year.

Ego’s dad: [smiling] Oh, that’s okay. We’re gonna miss you, pumpkin.

Ego’s mom: No, it’s not okay, Ray.

Ego’s dad: [suddenly agreeing with his wife] No, it’s not okay and you need to come home.

Marie’s mom: Fine, we will fly to you.

Marie: Mom! No!

Marie’s mom: Why? It’s fine. I will quarantine in the plane bathroom.

Marie’s dad: Great fix darling. And daddy wears racket ball goggles to keep the virus out of my eyes. How about that?

Marie: That’s not how it works!

Marie’s mom: What if I died in a plane crash?

Marie’s dad: That’s a great point.

Marie’s mom: And that was the last thing you said to me?

Marie’s dad: Think about your dead mother.

Marie: That can’t happen if you don’t fly on a plane!

Lauren’s mom: [lying on the ground] Oh my god! The worst has happened. I’ve had a fall.

Lauren: Mom! I know you didn’t fall. You laid down very gingerly. I saw the whole thing.

Ego’s mom: Ray, aren’t you going to say anything?

Ego’s dad: We love you unconditionally.

Ego’s mom: No. Not that.

Ego’s dad: We love you conditionally? Just tell me what you want me to say. I’ll say it.

Marie’s dad: Are you seeing what you’ve done here. [her mom is facing away crying] I hope you’re proud of yourself.

Marie: You guys are insane.

Marie’s mom: I never visited my own mother enough. I guess this is my punishment.

Ego’s mom: Who you want to see that you can’t come home? Hah? I know you ain’t got no man.

Ego: Oh my god! Mom!

Marie’s dad: Your mother and I are being super, super safe.

[doorbell ringing]

Marie’s mom: Oh, that’s probably Bob. Excuse me. [goes to answer the door]

Marie: Who is Bob?

Marie’s dad: Oh, Bob is Sophie’s front line worker husband.

Marie’s mom: Bob! Come in.

Marie’s dad: Get in here.

Marie’s mom: Guys, masks off. We’re cool.

Marie: Please get these people out of your home.

Lauren’s mom: I guess that’s why I don’t get to have a family for Christmas.

Ego’s mom: I didn’t realize how much I like being by myself.

Ego: Calm down!

[Lauren’s mom is just screaming]

Lauren: What’s happening?

Marie’s dad: Honey, listen. We are going to miss you but we’re always gonna love you. Right here.

Marie: I love you too.

Ego’s mom: We still love you, baby.

Ego’s dad: We love you.

Lauren’s mom: I miss you, but I love you.

Lauren: I love you too, mom.

Marie’s mom: But I’d love you more if you came home. I don’t know, who’s to say? I’m kidding. I love you.

Weekend Update – Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Christmas

Colin Jost

The guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: There’s only eight days left before Christmas. Here with his holiday dating tips is they guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in] [cheers and applause]

The guy: Yeah. Ho-ho-ho. [singing] It’s beginning to look a lot like Sex-mas. Hey, happy holiday, Santa Cols. Skin tight to be back.

Colin Jost: My god. I think you’re even worse than I remembered. How have you been?

The guy: Not great, Col. The world has gotten it’s granny panties in a real twist since last we spoke. Got into some hot wat at the office. I had to go incognit for a bit, a little adic-facil out in the boo. Low-key little sex rehab situate to save my J-O-B. It was hard but overall pretty tight and I’m a changed man.

Colin Jost: Wow. Congrats, man.

The guy: Thank you. Now, let’s talk getting fala-la-la-la-la-laid.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. That’s my guy. Okay.

The guy: Okay. I’ve got some tips that could help even Santa slay (sleigh). Now, when it comes to buying her a gift, you can’t lose with booze. Go for that second smallest bottle of Bails, maybe a nice Stoly Orang, or just bring some Veno to the sceno. Pick up anything in the sub-20-buck range that will get her lit up like that tree in Rockefeller Centro. I have a small bad wang. Now, let’s talk gifts of gold and Frankenstein. Since that will have her coming back for mer. ‘Tis the holiday for lingerie, and gents, don’t half shaft it with some cut rayed skivis, okay? Head straight to Vicky-6 and ask for a recommende. Don’t worry about what size. Just make it guess-demaise based on what kind of goodies the sales chika packed for lunch. My junk blows.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. These, again, are dating tips for Christmas?

The guy: Wi, señor. Now, to make your Mrs. claws up your back, um, you gotta set that wintery scene. Take her to a top notch ski res and get your slope on. Then retire to the ski chalet where she shall lay if you play things right. Remember, mistletoe leads to camel toe. And medically speaking, my missile is a toe. Now, light up a fire– [Colin Jost laughing hardly]

Colin Jost: What?

The guy: Geez.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No.

The guy: Happy holidays.

Colin Jost: Yeah, their problem. Yeah.

The guy: Um, light up a fire and you’ll log her quicker, then you can say, “This never happens to me.” But it always does. It came upon a midnight clear but she most certainly did not. I’m neither a goer nor a show-er. Um–

Colin Jost: Look, man. Come on. It’s the Christmas show, okay?

The guy: Rodger, dodger. Now, let’s talk poist, post coids proto Col. Um, once you’ve done the deed and show em’ the seed, you can run, run Rudolph. Make like Santa Clause and leave her presents. Bad jingle, worse bells.

Colin Jost: It’s disgusting.

The guy: Well, hey man, don’t make me deck the Colls. Ha-ha. Nah, I’m Jost kidding. I only pick on people my own size which is just shockingly small. My penis, I mean. It’s bad an it’s small. And the thing is Colin, nobody likes it.

Colin Jost: And yet, somehow it’s not the worst thing about you.

The guy: Umm. It’s a Philly’s nobby dud. Now, in cum-clusion (conclusion), no matter who you open presents with on XXXmas, there’s no better place to unwrap a box and on the stern of the uptown girl.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What is the uptown girl?

The guy: My boat, Colin.

Colin Jost: My god. The guy who bought a boat everyone.

The guy: It’s duck-tomorrow-logo.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

White House Christmas Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway, Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Michael Flynn… Mikey Day

Billy Bush… Alex Moffatt

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway in White House]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. President, are you sure that you don’t want to stay at the Christmas party longer? Coz everyone is celebrating this huge tax bill. Mitch McConnell is serving everyone bourbon. I got so drunk I told the truth.

Donald Trump: Sorry, Kellyanne. I’m in poudy baby mode. This Flynn investigation has really got me down.

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, come on, sir. The tax bill is your biggest achievement yet. In that, it is your only achievement.

Donald Trump: Sorry, I’m not in the Christmas spirit. The only thing that cheers me up with these hilarious Muslim videos that I’ve been retweeting. Lex Cruise says Barf Hamburg. So, please, you go ahead and enjoy the party.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Anything I can get you before I go?

Donald Trump: Um, yes. One little thing. I want you to withdraw $5 million from my bank account and put it in a duffle bag with my passport, a fake mustache and a bucket of chicken.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, sir. Goodnight.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Kellyanne. This is the time I’d like to reflect on all the good things I have done this year. It’ll only take a minute. [as Donald Trump is thinking, it gets all smoky] Wait, what’s that?

[Michael Flynn comes out of the smoke. He is chained.]

Michael Flynn: Donald J. Trump. Donald J. Trump!

Donald Trump: Oh god! You’ve come to get me. I knew it. It’s the Muslim stuff, right?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: It’s for calling Mexican rapists?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: The Roy Moore stuff?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: Draft dodging?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: The birthing stuff?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: Pocahontas?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: The Central Park fight? No, wait! Making fun of the handicapped Portland like this. [Donald Trump makes faces]

Michael Flynn: No, sir! Sir! I’m not here for any of that.

Donald Trump: So, who are you? Jacob Marley? You’ve got a lot of chains on.

Michael Flynn: No. I’m Michael Flynn. The ghost of witness Flict. Mr. President, I came to warn you. It’s time for you to come clean. For the good of the country.

Donald Trump: What the good of the?

Michael Flynn: The good of the country.

Donald Trump: The gobada-come-come?

Michael Flynn: This is serious, sir! The FBI got to me. Before all this, I had a great life, Donald. I was an honorable twice fired military man who loved to talk about how Hillary Clinton had a child sex ring in a pizza shop.

Donald Trump: Oh, Mikey, my man. You led the locker up, cheered the convention. Who knew you had so much dirt on you when you passed? If only somebody had warned me about you.

Michael Flynn: Well, president Obama did tell you not to hire me.

Donald Trump: I meant someone who is American.

Michael Flynn: Mr. President. There was a lot of people from your past that could come back to haunt you. Tonight, we’ll be visited by three of them. There’s the first one. No!

[Michael Flynn leaves. Billy Bush walks out of the smoke]

Donald Trump: Billy Bush?

Billy Bush: Um-hmm. Yep! I’m here to remind you of bad Hollywood tape, my man! Can you believe I got fired just for listening to you? Whoof! And then you got elected president. And now, you’re saying the bad tape isn’t even real? What?

Donald Trump: You’ll be fine, Billy. I’m sure you’ll find work again.

Billy Bush: Well, I hope so. Frankly, I’m looking pretty good in the NBC news division right about now. Remember Donald, these things catch up with all of us. If you worked at NBC right now, you’d be fired. Fired! Fired!

[Billy Bush slowly walks away]

Donald Trump: Wait! Come back! Where did you go?

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Donald? Where did who go?

Donald Trump: Melania, I’m sorry. I was just working.

Melania Trump: Okay, but come down to the party. You have to see my decorations. It’s a beautiful festive hallway of dead branches and mysterious shadows. And then when you open the elevator, blood comes out.

Donald Trump: Oh. Sounds wonderful but I’m so tired.

Melania Trump: Okay, but Donald, we need someone to put up the manger scene. Mike Pence was going to do it but his wife doesn’t want him playing with dolls because she’s afraid it will give him urges.

Donald Trump: Umm, I’m sorry, Melania. I can’t, but you go. I’ll be down in a minute. [Melania Trump walks out. The smokes appears again.] Oh, no. It’s happening again.

[Vladimir Putin comes out of the smoke. He is topless.]

Vladimir Putin: Hello, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Oh my! Vladimir? You must be my present.

Vladimir Putin: Of course. Donald, you can’t hide from me. I see and hear everything you do.

Donald Trump: Because you’re a ghost?

Vladimir Putin: Yes. I’m ghost. Listen, we put a lot of work into you. So much time and money. And you’re about to mess it all up. You seem so volatile.

Donald Trump: I’m sorry, Vladimir, but I promise I’ll be more diplomatic with North Korea and that fat little psycho who runs it.

Vladimir Putin: Whoa! Trump, you have to chill out, broski!

Donald Trump: Vladimir, look, I’ve always wanted to ask you this. Do you think I’m cool?

Vladimir Putin: Look, I have to go. Ha-ha.

Donald Trump: So, that’s a yes?

Vladimir Putin: I just have to go. Someone else is coming. They’re coming.

[Vladimir Putin walks out. Michael Flynn walks in again.]

Michael Flynn: Don’t you see, Mr. President? Any one of these spirits could bring you down. But the scariest one is yet to come. Oh, no! It approaches.

Donald Trump: Mike, I’m too scared to look.

[Someone walks out of smoke wearing a cloak covering the face.]

Oh, thank god, Steve Bannon. You’re here to save the day with your terrible white magic? Wait, who are you?

[When the person shows face, it’s Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha. Merry Christmas! Ha-ha. [cheers and applause] It is I, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Ha-ha. You, Donald have given me the greatest Christmas gift of all. Sexual gratification in the form of your slow demise. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to say this. Lock him up!

[Michael Flynn and Hillary Clinton walk out]

Donald Trump: No! No!

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Donald! Donald! Are you alright?

Donald Trump: Oh god, Melania, I’m so scared. These spirits, they showed me things. I know what I need to do now. I need to erase seasons 1 through 14 of The Apprentice, fire Robert Mueller, and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Donald Trump Christmas Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Rex Tillerson… John Goodman

[Starts with Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway in Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, it’s almost Christmas. Do we have to talk business now?

Kellyanne Conway: I am afraid so, Mr. Trump. I know you’ve been so busy out on your thank you tour.

Donald Trump: I had to do it. I just felt an obligation to thank all my supporters by standing in front of them while they cheer for me. Let’s get this over with. Are there any more cabinet picks left?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, we’re almost full, sir. Rick Perry has agreed to be secretary of energy.

Donald Trump: Is that a great choice? I saw him on Dancing With the Stars. This guy has so much energy. He’s just unpresidented. So now, all I have to do is pick who will be president.

Kellyanne Conway: That’s you, sir.

Donald Trump: Can I just do it three days a week like Howard Stern does?

Kellyanne Conway: I don’t think so.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what will you be doing in my administration?

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, oh, what I’ve always done. Master Illusionist. Also, I’ve put together a list of people who have agreed to perform you inauguration at seven. [Kellyanne Conway pulls out a small piece of paper as the list]

Donald Trump: So many great names here. Really. I love them both.

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Donald, enough with the working. Let’s do the Christmas.

Donald Trump: Okay, Melania. Kellyanne, let’s take a break but stay close by, would you?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, don’t worry. I’m handcuffed to you for all of histories.

[Kellyanne Conway walks out] [banging sound]

Donald Trump: What’s that sound?

Melania Trump: I think it’s coming from the chimney.

Donald Trump: Is it a ghost? Am I being scrooged? I hate that.

Melania Trump: Oh, Donald! I think it’s a–

[Vladimir Putin comes out of the chimney top nude with Santa’s gift sack]

Vladimir Putin: That’s right.

Donald Trump: Vladimir, this is such a great surprise.

Melania Trump: What are you doing here?

Vladimir Putin: I was just in town. You know, hiding in the walls.

Donald Trump: Okay, come in, come in. It’s so great to finally get a chance to talk in person. I composed an email to you but I haven’t even sent it yet.

Vladimir Putin: I know. Mr. Trump, I’m here because your CIA is saying that we Russians tried to make you win election.

Donald Trump: I know, all lies made up by some very bitter people who need to move on.

Vladimir Putin: So, you trust me more than American CIA?

Donald Trump: All I know is I won.

Vladimir Putin: Wow, this guy is blowing my mind. Donald, I want to state officially that we in Russia are so happy that you are US president.

Donald Trump: Oh, thank you.

Vladimir Putin: We think you’re the best candidate.

Donald Trump: Sure.

Vladimir Putin: The smartest candidate.

Donald Trump: No doubt.

Vladimir Putin: The Manchurian candidate.

Donald Trump: I don’t know what that means but it sounds tremendous.

Vladimir Putin: And since it is Christmas after all, you know, I got you a gift. [Vladimir Putin pulls out a doll from the sack] This is Elf on the Shelf. He’s fun. You just put it right here next to your internet router. [Vladimir Putin puts the doll over the chimney next to the internet router] [sound of machine turning]

Yeah, you keep it there all year. It’s fun. Yes?

Donald Trump: Yeah. it’s beautiful, Vladimir. I’m sorry but I didn’t know you were coming, so I do not have a gift for you.

Vladimir Putin: Please, Mr. Trump, you are the gift.

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Um, Donald, can we talk?

Donald Trump: Of course, excuse us, Vladimir.

[Donald Trump goes to a corner with Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: Donald, I do not trust this man. Okay? Think of it this way. He’s a person you did not know who came from a foreign country and just started flattering you, what would you do?

Donald Trump: Marry them.

Melania Trump: Donald, no. You must tell this man to leave.

Donald Trump: Okay, Melania. Alright. [walks to Vladimir Putin] Vladimir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to go. Frankly, it might not look– it might look bad for us to be seen together.

Vladimir Putin: Brilliant observation. You are always so smart Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: You can stay as long as you want.

[Kellyanne Conway walks in]

Kellyanne Conway: Um, sir?

Donald Trump: Oh my god, it’s the ghost of Christmas past. Scrooged!

Kellyanne Conway: No, I’m not a ghost. This is just my face and hair. It’s Kellyanne. Um, your secretary of stage pick Rex Tillerson is here.

[Rex Tillerson walks in]

Rex Tillerson: Merry Chriatmas! Merry Christmas Mr. President elect. I just wanted to come by and– [sees Vladimir Putin] Pudie? Oh my god!

Vladimir Putin: Rexi baby.

[Vladimir Putin and Rex Tillerson starts celebrating in Russian language]

Rex Tillerson: Oh my star, Donald! You didn’t tell me Pudie was going to be here. Man, have I been hoping to catch up with you.

Vladimir Putin: As have I, old friend. So much to talk about. Hah? [Vladimir Putin pulls out a map] Right here, we’re having some oil drilling problems here.

Rex Tillerson: Oh, that’s no problem. As soon as the sanctions are lifted, we’ll up our intake by 30%.

Donald Trump: What are you guys talking about?

Vladimir Putin: Don’t worry about it.

Rex Tillerson: What about doubling production here in the Pechora sea?

Vladimir Putin: Already under way. Just have to take control of the Lomonosov Ridge. Our military is on it.

Donald Trump: And then we destroy vanity fair, right? They are terrible publication, just terrible.

Rex Tillerson: Sure buddy, sure. [to Vladimir Putin] You set up shop up on Lomonosov?

Vladimir Putin: Oh yes, for years. Great black crude there.

Donald Trump: Speaking of black and crude, I know Kanye. He came here. He’s using my colorist now. He just says whatever he feels. He’s like me, but a black.

Rex Tillerson: That’s cool, buddy. Excuse us for a sec.

Donald Trump: You’re not going to say “Live from New York” without me, right?

Rex Tillerson: No. We’d never do that.

Vladimir Putin: But maybe.

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Rex Tillerson: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Casey Affleck Christmas Monologue

Casey Affleck

Alec Baldwin

John Goodman

Black Santa… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Casey Affleck.

[Casey Affleck walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Casey Affleck: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you. Wow, it’s great to be here hosting the show tonight. Ah! Saturday Night Live and I began the same year, 1975. We’re exactly the same age. And like SNL, people tend to say that I was a lot funnier back then too. I’m so happy they asked me to host the SNL Christmas show. But I kind of have to wonder, why me? I mean, why didn’t they get classic hosts like Will Ferrell or Tina Fey or Jimmy Fallon or maybe someone cool like [Alec Baldwin walks in] Bruno Mars or [John Goodman walks in] Miley Cyrus [Alec Baldwin and John Goodman turn away and walk out] or Alec Baldwin and John Goodman. [Alec Baldwin and John Goodman walk in again and stand quietly behind Casey Affleck] [cheers and applause]

Although, that would be a little desperate, right? I mean, being in the first sketch and the monologue? A man’s got to have some dignity.

[Alec Baldwin and John Goodman look at each other and walk out again]

But I guess it makes sense that I’m here tonight because I’m in a new movie. That’s called ‘Manchester by the Sea’. Thank you. It opened wide last night and it’s an incredibly depressing picture. It is. It’s really a downer. I mean it’s great. I’m really proud of it. Please go see it.it’s a beautiful testament to what we’ll do for our family, for how everyone deserves a second chance and also to how unbearably sad movies can be. But it’s also great… but sad. But funny, but just crushingly sad. But it’s also not as sad as ‘Ocean’s Casey AffleckAlec Baldwin’, which I was also in. So, maybe give it a shot. Um, and I don’t know if you have noticed but I have this kind of scraggly beard and not in a Santa way but more like a ‘duck dynasty’ way. But I have to keep it. It’s for the next movie I’m doing which is animated [laughing] but that’s how committed I am to my craft.

All that aside, the real reason I belong here tonight is that I love Christmas. I love it more than anybody else. Christmas makes me happy. It touches something inside of me. [music playing] Although I’m not going to sing about it. [music stops] But the holidays, they just have a way of renewing us, reminding us of what we do have and the better future we can make. At Christmas time, it feels like anything is possible. [music playing] Um, except for singing. [music stops] That’s not gonna happen. But other things are possible.

[Alec Baldwin and John Goodman walk in]

Alec Baldwin: Casey, you don’t have to sing to be a great host.

Casey Affleck: Oh, wow, John Goodman and Alec Baldwin.

[cheers and applause]

You really think I don’t have to sing?

John Goodman: Yeah. I mean, between the three of us, we have hosted SNL 31 times.

Alec Baldwin: We believe in you just like we believe in another special guy with a beard. You might have heard of him, Black Santa Claus.

[Black Santa walks in] [cheers and applause]

Black Santa: Yo, yo, yo! I’m just kidding. It’s ho, ho, ho.

Alec Baldwin: Ah! You take it from here, Black Santa

Black Santa: Oh, you got it, white Baldwin! Now, Casey, all you need to host a great show is a little Christmas magic. See?

[female voices carolling]

Casey Affleck: Oh, wow! Wow! You’re right. Look, it’s happening. Merry Christmas, Santa.

Black Santa: Actually, I’m Jewish.

Casey Affleck: Well, close enough. oh, we’ve got a great show.

[Alec Baldwin laughing hard]

Chance the Rapper is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.