Colin Jost
Chuck Shumer… Alex Moffat
Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with Colin Jost on his new set]
Colin Jost: In the wake of what is being called a political victory, democratic leaders have cautioned their rank and file not to gloat or celebrate the outcome excessively. Here to comment are senator minority leader Chuck Schumer and speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi.
[Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi come in]
[Cheers and applause]
Chuck Schumer: No, no, no, don’t make it – You’re being silly.
Colin Jost: Now, many are saying you ran rings around the president in the wall negotiation and yet you’ve decided not to gloat?
[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi]
Chuck Schumer: What is there to gloat about? I mean the president is a very tough negotiator.
Nancy Pelosi: We are actually– we are devastated with the outcome.
Chuck Schumer: Um-hmm. That’s correct. The truth is, Colin, the president ate our lunch.
Nancy Pelosi: He ate our lunch, he ate his lunch, he at all the lunches. He likes lunch. [Nancy Pelosi starts crying]
Chuck Schumer: You said you wouldn’t. You promised you wouldn’t.
Nancy Pelosi: No, I’m so bad. Okay, okay. This is very serious. See Colin, the president really did whip our butts here.
Chuck Schumer: Um-hmm, and that’s just one reason I’m sitting on hemorrhoid cushion right now. [Nancy Pelosi starts crying again] Wowy!
[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]
Colin Jost: All right. Okay. Guys! The president did come away with a lot less money than he was asking for. He only got a fraction of his wall money.
Nancy Pelosi: What? Colin, are you sure about that? It was probably a big fraction, Right?
Chuck Schumer: Yeah. It would have to be a big fraction. A big, big fraction.
Colin Jost: Yeah, well, it was only 2.3% of the total amount you need.
[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi]
Nancy Pelosi: 2%? Well, that sounds like a lot to me.
Chuck Schumer: 2%. I can’t even drink milk that rich – I’d explode.
[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]
Nancy Pelosi: Thank you, Colin. We have been humiliated.
[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]
Chuck Schumer: We wanted something sure, but he gave us everything.
Nancy Pelosi: Daddy, though, Colin. Daddy real tough.
Chuck Schumer: I can only imagine what Ann Coulter is saying about us. Let’s have a look. [Chuck Schumer takes his phone out] Okay, and Coulter says, “The only national emergency is that our president is an idiot.”
Nancy Pelosi: What?
Chuck Schumer: Well, that’s not very nice. I thought she liked him.
Nancy Pelosi: That’s shocking. I was shocked when I printed that out this morning. [Nancy takes a framed newspaper article out]
Colin Jost: All right. That seems like gloating. That’s gloating.
Nancy Pelosi: Okay.
Chuck Schumer: You got us.
Colin Jost: Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer everyone.