Chloe Fineman
Melissa Villaseñor
Ego Nwodim
Chucky… Sarah Sherman
Jake Gyllenhaal
Janet… Aidy Bryant
[Starts with ladies talking in the restroom]Chloe: Oh my god, these meetings kind of have been brutal.
Melissa: I know I can barely keep my eyes open.
Ego: You guys, I’m so done with Janet.
Chloe: Okay, she is awful.
Ego: I know.
Chloe: She’s always like running down the hallway so fast. It’s like what’s the big rush Janet? You don’t actually do anything.
Ego: Ha-ah-ha. And does she have to eat tuna every day?
Melissa: Makes me sick. And she chews with her mouth open like a farm man.
Ego: Yes.
Chloe: Okay. The worst is when she’s quiet. It’s so creepy.
Ego: Seriously, yesterday when we were carpooling, I completely forgot she was in the car because she didn’t say a word the whole time. And all of a sudden, she just pops up in the backseat out of nowhere like Chucky.
[everyone laughing. Suddenly, someone flushes the toiled behind them. Then real Chucky walks out of the toilet and washes his hands.]Chloe: Hey, Chucky.
Ego: We didn’t realize you were in there.
Chucky: Well, I was.
Melissa: Did you hear us talking?
Chucky: No, not really. Oh, in a part where you compared me to Janet, you filthy slut? [pulls out a knife] You’re not gonna mess with me.
[Chucky attacks them] [Cut to an HR meeting. All the ladies’ hair are messy.]Jake: I know no one likes getting called into an HR meeting but given what happened this morning, I felt it was necessary. Chucky, as you know we have a company policy against stabbing your coworkers in the legs with a knife. But ladies, we also have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to bullying. What you said about Chucky was uncalled for. Especially comparing him to Janet who we all know sucks.
Janet: I’m sorry. Why do I have to be here?
Jake: To take notes, Janet. I diot.
[everyone laughs at Janet.]Jake: Okay, so how can we stop this kind of thing from happening in the future?
Chucky: [pulls out a knife] By putting these benches in body bags?
Ego: See? That’s it right there.
Melissa: Chuck is always saying things like that.
Chloe: I also think these gender neutral bathrooms were a big mistake. Only because now I have to worry about Chucky dropping down from the ceiling and landing on my back while I’m sitting on the toilet.
Chucky: Don’t tap me with a good time.
Ego: Ooh, Chucky, stop.
Jake: Chucky, I understand that when your feelings get hurt, your first instinct is violence. For example, you’re stabbing me in the leg right now. [Chucky is actually stabbing him]
Chloe: Oh my god.
Ego: See? He doesn’t belong here.
Jake: Yes, he does. Each of us has a different story. Megan, you have a background in PR. Peggy, you were in the military. And Chucky, you did an ancient voodoo curse that when combined with a lightning strike transferred your soul to the body of adult, that’s something that no one else here can say.
Chloe: He’s not even listening.
Jake: Wow. I think we’re making progress.
Melissa: Look!
[Chucky has two bombs in his hands]Jake: Oh my God!… Janet! Are you eating tuna right now?
[The office explodes.]