Chloe Fineman

Melissa Villaseñor

Ego Nwodim

Chucky… Sarah Sherman

Jake Gyllenhaal

Janet… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with ladies talking in the restroom]

Chloe: Oh my god, these meetings kind of have been brutal.

Melissa: I know I can barely keep my eyes open.

Ego: You guys, I’m so done with Janet.

Chloe: Okay, she is awful.

Ego: I know.

Chloe: She’s always like running down the hallway so fast. It’s like what’s the big rush Janet? You don’t actually do anything.

Ego: Ha-ah-ha. And does she have to eat tuna every day?

Melissa: Makes me sick. And she chews with her mouth open like a farm man.

Ego: Yes.

Chloe: Okay. The worst is when she’s quiet. It’s so creepy.

Ego: Seriously, yesterday when we were carpooling, I completely forgot she was in the car because she didn’t say a word the whole time. And all of a sudden, she just pops up in the backseat out of nowhere like Chucky.

[everyone laughing. Suddenly, someone flushes the toiled behind them. Then real Chucky walks out of the toilet and washes his hands.]

Chloe: Hey, Chucky.

Ego: We didn’t realize you were in there.

Chucky: Well, I was.

Melissa: Did you hear us talking?

Chucky: No, not really. Oh, in a part where you compared me to Janet, you filthy slut? [pulls out a knife] You’re not gonna mess with me.

[Chucky attacks them] [Cut to an HR meeting. All the ladies’ hair are messy.]

Jake: I know no one likes getting called into an HR meeting but given what happened this morning, I felt it was necessary. Chucky, as you know we have a company policy against stabbing your coworkers in the legs with a knife. But ladies, we also have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to bullying. What you said about Chucky was uncalled for. Especially comparing him to Janet who we all know sucks.

Janet: I’m sorry. Why do I have to be here?

Jake: To take notes, Janet. I diot.

[everyone laughs at Janet.]

Jake: Okay, so how can we stop this kind of thing from happening in the future?

Chucky: [pulls out a knife] By putting these benches in body bags?

Ego: See? That’s it right there.

Melissa: Chuck is always saying things like that.

Chloe: I also think these gender neutral bathrooms were a big mistake. Only because now I have to worry about Chucky dropping down from the ceiling and landing on my back while I’m sitting on the toilet.

Chucky: Don’t tap me with a good time.

Ego: Ooh, Chucky, stop.

Jake: Chucky, I understand that when your feelings get hurt, your first instinct is violence. For example, you’re stabbing me in the leg right now. [Chucky is actually stabbing him]

Chloe: Oh my god.

Ego: See? He doesn’t belong here.

Jake: Yes, he does. Each of us has a different story. Megan, you have a background in PR. Peggy, you were in the military. And Chucky, you did an ancient voodoo curse that when combined with a lightning strike transferred your soul to the body of adult, that’s something that no one else here can say.

Chloe: He’s not even listening.

Jake: Wow. I think we’re making progress.

Melissa: Look!

[Chucky has two bombs in his hands]

Jake: Oh my God!… Janet!  Are you eating tuna right now?

[The office explodes.]

Chucky Lee Byrd

Glen…Beck Bennett

Johanne… Kate McKinnon

Chucky… Will Farrell

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: The following is a paid advertisement.

[Cut to Glen and Johanne in their set]

Glen: Who can forget the 1950s?

Johanne: Soda shops. Hula-hoops. Drive in movies.

Glen: Jim Crow. Drag racing. And of course the birth of rock n’ roll music. Right Johanne?

Johanne: That’s right, Glen. And if you’re gonna talk about rock n’ roll, you gotta talk about the incomparable Chucky Lee Byrd.

Glen: That’s right. We are proud to bring you for the first time anywhere, this five discs box set from the poet of teen love himself. Chucky Lee Byrd.

Johanne: Now, you can relive that glorious time in music with this rare compilation.

Glen: We promise, you can’t find these jams anywhere else.

Johanne: It’s like, “Beauty Queen.”

[Cut to the old black and white music video] [music playing]

Chucky: [singing] She’s my little beauty queen
And she’s only
but she’s my beautiful
beautiful beauty queen

Glen: And the “Candy Baby.”

Chucky: She’s my candy baby,
she’s my candy baby,

and she’s sugar sweet and clean
what should I get her for her sweet 16

[Cut to Glen and Johanne]

Johanne: Huh?

Glen: You said it, Johanne. This collection will bring you back to a simpler time in music. A time of innocence, purity.

Johanne: Right. Timeless classics like, “Farmer Girl.”

[Cut to the old black and white music video] [music playing]

Chucky: [singing] She grows corn, she grows bean
my daddy hates me coz she’s only 14
14, 14, 14, that’s her age
she’s 14

[Cut to Glen and Johanne]

Glen: And who could forget about Chucky’s classic ode to muscle car.

Johanne: Okay, cars. Thank god.

Glen: “My new T-Bird.”

[Cut to the old black and white music video] [music playing]

Chucky: [singing] She purrs so fine, she’s fresh off the line
I wanna make her mine, and this song’s about a girl who’s 13, 13
Okay, she’s

[Cut to Glen and Johanne]

Johanne: Okay. That’s insane.

Glen: You bet it’s insane. Never before have all these hits been compiled and rereleased on one collection until now.

Johanne: No, Glen. I mean the songs. The songs are insane. They’re all about loving teenage girls.

Glen: Well, they don’t call him ‘the poet of teen love’ for nothing, Johanne.

Johanne: Okay. But doesn’t he seem pretty old?

Glen: He is old, Johanne. It’s vintage footage. And folks, if you call right now, we will give you a special bonus disc with some of Chucky’s classic B sides like,  [Cut to old black and white music video with a list of songs.] “Cruising in my windowless van.”

Johanne: “Girl Scout Cookie.”

Glen: “I Left My Heart Across State Lines.”

Johanne: “Simple Girl From Across The Street.”

Glen: “Our Love Is A Crime.” Oh, I see what you’re saying now.

Johanne: “First Day Of School… Ever!”

Glen: “Baby You Can Drive My Car If I’m In The Passenger Seat Because You Only Have A Permit.”

Johanne: “One And One Equals Eleven.” Jesus! Cut back to us now, please. Hah! So, obviously this guy is a pervert and we have to stop the commercial.

Glen: Well, I can’t just bail on him, Johanne. He’s still my grandpa.

Johanne: This is your grandfather? Have you not listened to the songs?

Glen: I mean I just thought it was a different time back then. It was the 80’s.

Johanne: He made these songs in the 1980s? Who makes 50’s rock n’ roll in the 1980s?

Glen: Uh, Billy Joel. Ever heard of him?

Johanne: Yeah. But Billy Joel didn’t make paedophile anthem.

Glen: [yelling] But he’s my grandpa, Johanne.

Female voice: Order Chucky Lee Byrd’s poet of teen love compilation box set today.

Chucky: Call now!