Reginald … Kenan Thompson
Dracilla… Cecily Strong
Cinderella… Chloe Fineman
Mother… Kate McKinnon
Prince… Nick Jonas
Mouse… Aidy Bryant[Starts with show intro]
Male voice: We now return to the conclusion of Cinderella on Disney+ which doesn’t have commercial, so I guess you just paused it.[Cut to the show.]
Reginald: Attention, all maidens of this dwelling. Prince charming wishes to have a word.
Melissa and Dracilla: Ooh, prince charming.
Cinderella: I wonder what he wants.
Mother: Cinderella, go to your room at once. This doesn’t concern you. You’re poor.
Dracilla: Yeah. The prince is here to see us. The evil homely step sisters.
Melissa: Men don’t want a nice, pretty blonde girl. They want loud, mean freaks.
Dracilla: Cinderella doesn’t even have a unibrow.
Cinderella: Oh, that’s okay. I’ll just go talk to the birds. They’re my real friends.
Dracilla: Uh- psycho.[Prince walks in]
Prince: No, wait. This concerns every maiden in the kingdom. You see, I’ve fallen in love. But with whom, I do not know. Perhaps she’s here now.
Cinderella: Perhaps she is.
Mother: It couldn’t be Cinderella. That’s for sure. We keep her locked in the attic.
Reginald: Okay, well, that’s a crime. When the prince comes to visit, people usually say “Hello, my lord.” Not “We got a girl in the attic”.
Mother: But even her name is gross. Cinderella. Bleh. Wouldn’t you prefer my daughter Drusella?[Dracilla bows, but then farts]
Prince: There’s only one way to find out how my mystery love is. You see– Oh my, the smell is really just hitting me now.
Reginald: Yes. What is that?
Dracilla: Sorry. I only eat berries and raw deer meat.
Prince: You see, I spent one magical evening with this mystery woman. And she vanished at midnight. And all that was left was this. [Reginald gives Prince a glass shoe on a pillow. The shoe is too tiny.] A glass slipper.
Mother: Nothing. It looks small.
Prince: What do you mean?
Melissa: The shoe, it’s small.
Prince: I think it’s a pretty standard women’s shoe.
Dracilla: You serious? It’s like a Monopoly token.
Prince: Huh, yeah. I guess my perspective was off because it’s sitting on a pillow. You think it’s like, a child’s shoe?
Dracilla: No. But I don’t love how casually you asked that.
Mother: It’s way too small for a child. Maybe even too small for doll. You really didn’t clock the shoe as weird at all?
Prince: But it’s glass. I thought that was weird. Reginald, is this shoe odd to you?
Reginald: I mean, I didn’t think it was my place to come in, but that shoe tiny as hell. I’m a foot man in more ways than one, but even for me, that’s a freaky little shoe.
Cinderella: Well, my feet are pretty small. They didn’t feed me enough to go through puberty.
Reginald: Yeah. But I don’t think you could even get one of your toes in this thing.
Prince: So then, who has a foot this small?[a mouse appears]
Mouse: I does.
Prince: I’m sorry?
Mouse: I does!
Prince: The shoe is yours?
Mouse: Oh, it definitely does.
Cinderella: Oh, hurray, mouse Selina. This is wonderful news. You found your prince charming.
Mouse: Yup, I guess I does.
Mother: Dude, you banged a mouse?
Prince: What? No. We didn’t bang. I mean, we didn’t do anything. And she wasn’t a mouse. She was a human woman.
Mouse: Um, no. It was mouse. And mouse went all the way. Yeah, he dunked me in a glass of champaign and I was ready to rock.
Prince: No. No. I remember it was a woman and she ran away and her carriage turned into a pumpkin.
Mouse: Dude, I don’t know what drugs you’re on but it definitely didn’t affect your performance at all. I mean, you’d think this prince was a construction worker the way he was jack hammering.
Prince: Reginald, did I really? With a mouse? Why didn’t you stop me?
Reginald: Ay, I don’t judge. Love is love is love. You don’t think Jafar ever sprinkled some bird seed down there and let Iago go to town?
Reginald: I don’t know, man. This is the stuff I’ve been thinking about.
Mouse: Oh, relax, prince. I’m totally cool. I’ll have the baby, no problemo. [showing her pregnant stomach]
Prince: Oh my god!
Mouse: It’s okay. It’s probably more like, 12 babies, but don’t worry. I’ll eat a couple of them.
Dracilla: Wait, that means those rat babies will be princes someday.
Melissa: And if we marry them, we’ll be princesses.
Dracilla: Yeah, everything’s coming up Drucilla. [farts again]
Mouse: [singing] Salacan-doo-la
The prince found out he boned the mouse
when he found my tiny shoe