Good Morning Columbus

Langdon Lee… Bowen Yang

Cheryl Worth… Ego Nwodim

Scott… Mikey Day

Dr. Bloom… Willem Dafoe

Cindy… Heidi Gardner

Nick… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: Good news, it’s good morning Columbus.

[Cut to Langdon Lee and Cheryl Worth in their set]

Langdon Lee: Oh hi, oh hi.

Cheryl Worth: Ha-ha-ha. You are too much.

Langdon Lee: Welcome back. Langdon Lee alongside Cheryl Worth.

Cheryl Worth: Lots ahead in the 9 o’clock hour, but first our man about town, Scott is with a local author who’s written a new self help book about finding happiness through self discovery. Hmm, sounds interesting.

Langdon Lee: Yeah. Sure does. Scott’s down at a book signing of Bergman’s books, with Dr. Benjamin Bloom, author of “Blowing Yourself”. Scott.

Scott: Thanks Langdon. I am standing next to a man who hopes to help millions of folks find happiness through self exploration.

Langdon Lee: Sorry, Scott. I have to jump in. I misspoke before. Dr. Bloom’s book is titled “Knowing yourself.” Not “Blowing yourself”. For a lot of B words in a row on the teleprompter, I got a little tongue tied. Sorry about that, Scott.

Scott: It has happens. Now, Dr. Bloom. Tell us about your book.

Dr. Bloom: Well, it’s a feel good book. It’s about learning how to love yourself by going down deep and embracing the part of you that you discovered down there.

Scott: Wow, that’s a lot to swallow.
Cheryl Worth: I’m sorry Scott. Need to jump in here. We are having an issue with our graphics that is making this interview seem very inappropriate. The book is “Knowing yourself”. We do apologize.

Langdon Lee: Come on, graphics department. What are you doing? Get it together. Ha-ha-ha. Scot.

Scott: Thanks, Langdon. Now, Dr. Bloom, I see you have your wife here with you.

Dr. Bloom: Yes, come on over, honey.

Scott: Hi.

Dr. Bloom: This is my lovely wife, Cindy.

Scott: Now, Cindy, do you practice the techniques in your husband’s book?

Cindy: Oh, yes. It was a little harder for me to get there, though. I think women have to reach deeper into themselves to find the same happiness.

Dr. Bloom: Absolutely. Women are generally more complex. A lot more nooks and crannies to explore.

Cindy: Oh, yeah. You know, it can be an emotionally taxing process. You know, if you’re like me, your sensitive side is gonna take a lickin. But in the end, trust me, it’s so worth it. So buy his book. I had my nose buried in it for hours.

Scott: I’m sure you did. Thank you, Cindy. Now doctor, you’re going to teach me one of your breathing exercises here. Now, I tried yoga once and I was awful. So, hopefully I don’t suck here.

Dr. Bloom: It’s okay to suck. It’s how we learn.

Scott: Okay, good. We got some mats here.

Dr. Bloom: Let’s get down great.

Scott: Great.

Dr. Bloom: You can do this in a chair at home also. Okay. You want to center yourself like this.

Scott: Center.

Dr. Bloom: Now, breathe deeply. Really, fill your mouth with thoughts of–

Langdon Lee: Okay, no, no. Cut the audio. Folks. Oh, no. We are so deeply, deeply sorry. This looks very bad. Maybe go to sports? Yes, sports. Nick, you want to give people your Super Bowl predictions?

Nick: No, let’s let this play out.

Cheryl Worth: Thank you for nothing, Nick. Okay, looks like they’re wrapping up. Bring up the audio back.

Scott: Oh, wow. I have got a long way to go. I got to get practicing.

Dr. Bloom: Don’t go nuts when you’re just starting out. That’d be going too far.

Scott: Okay.

Dr. Bloom: But with time, I promise you’ll rise to the occasion and meet yourself halfway.

Scott: Yes, well said. And you’ve certainly made some fans out of our viewers. @IncelDadddy writes “This dude my hero. Teach me sensei. #nevergonnaleavethehouse” So, good stuff. Now, you’ll be down here all day, correct?

Dr. Bloom: Yes, I’ll be signing copies of my book and at noon, I’ll be demonstrating my technique live.

Scott: Oh! And now if you want to attend, you can make a reservation online at www.– Actually, they’re telling me no you can’t. I guess it’s sold out immediately. Mr. Popular. Back to you guys.

Cheryl Worth: Those people who made a reservation are going to be very disappointed.

Langdon Lee: All right, coming up in traffic something wandered onto the I-270 and is causing major traffic. That’s something get this. A 400 pound a wild whore– Boar! Wild boar. Wild boar. Let’s go to commercial.

Active Jack

Cecily Strong

Jack Taylor… Kevin Hart

Cindy… Melissa Villaseñor

Dorothy… Kate McKinnon

Old Jack Taylor… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Cecily in her set]

Cecily: Thank you for joining us for our annual PBS Pledge Drive. As you know, public television has brought so many wonderful educational shows for our children throughout the years including Active Jack. [Cut to DVD cover of Active Jack] In 1971, [cut to Cecily] long before the push for youth fitness, Active Jack Taylor was getting kids all over the country to get out there and move. And who could forget the classic opening theme.

[Cut to opening theme of Active Jack] [music playing]

Jack Taylor: Come on, kids. It’s time to get off the couch and get moving. Ha-ha. Can you move? Well, can you groove? Solid! Everyone…

everyone can move it, move your body
so come on over and move it with me

I got lazy, move around
I got muscles to go up and down
I go up, up, up and down, down, down
let’s go, up, up, up and down, down, down
one more time, I go up, up, up and down, to the ground


[two girls join Jack Taylor]

Cindy: Hey, Jack.

Dorothy: Hey, Jack.

Jack Taylor: Hey, wad up, girls? Hey. Are y’all ready to exercise and harmonize and motorize?

Cindy: We sure are.

Dorothy: My doctor says exercise is good for me.

Jack Taylor: Oh, yeah. Then let’s get into it. Take it to the reach.

Exercise can make you strong
did you move to and fro
it can take you higher
move you way down low

Cindy: Hey, Jack. What kind of exercise are we gonna do today?

Jack Taylor: Oh, dig this. It’s called the South Philly breakdown, okay?

[Jack Taylor does the exercise. Another guy and a come in dancing to join. Everybody are copying what Jack Taylor is doing.]


Dorothy: Wow. That was way cool, jack.

Jack Taylor: Oh. Well, it ain’t nothing to me. So, get moving. Hah! And be like Active Jack!

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Wonderful. And now, we at PBS have a special treat. After 45 years, the cast of Active Jack has agreed to be with us tonight for an exclusive reunion. So, now, performing the theme song, the original cast of Active Jack.

[Cut to Old Jack Taylor turning around. He doesn’t look happy at all.] [music playing.]

Old Jack Taylor: Come on, kids. Get off the couch. [breathes heavily] Get moving. Ha-ha. Come on. Here we go. [he is barely moving]

everyone can move it, move your body
so come on over and move it with me
I got lazy, move around

I got muscles to go up and down
I go up, up, up and down, down, down
here we go, up, up, ouch! and down, down, down
I think I’ll just sit, sit, sit, stay here on the ground.

[Dorothy walks in. She is very old.]

Dorothy: Hi, Jack.

Old Jack Taylor: Hey, hey, Dorothy. Oh, what happened to Cindy?

Dorothy: Oh, she’s gone, Jack.

Old Jack Taylor: Why, lord? Well, are you ready to exercise and harmonize and motorize?

Dorothy: My doctor says if I exercise my hip will shatter like a wine glass.

Old Jack Taylor: Well, let’s do it anyway. Come on, let’s take it to the reach.

Exercise can make you strong
did you move to and fro
it can take you higher
move you way down low

[Old Jack Taylor farts] Oh! I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry about that. Let’s just try that South Philly breakdown. Here we go. [doing the exercise] Hey. Hop, hop, hop. Hop, hop, ah! Okay, cut it. Cut the music. I popped something. You know what? Kids, do what you want. Smoke, drink, I don’t care. Coz guess what? Everybody dies.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Okay. Um, guess we’re gonna cut that a little short. But remember, you can still get all the classic episodes of Active Jack–

[Old Jack Taylor walks in]

Old Jack Taylor: Ay, Willy! Put my town in country round and bring around close. Make sure you turn the heat on.

Beat the Bookworm

Bookworm… Aziz Ansari

Keaton Seasons… Mikey Day

Cindy… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with GSN show schedule]

Female voice: Now back to ‘Beat the Bookworm’, only on Game Show Network.

[Cut to Bookworm in a library]

Bookworm: Can you beat me in the game of wiz?

Male voice: Declared a genius at birth, he spent his life in pursuit of knowledge.

Bookworm: While you were watching TV, I was reading thousands of books. I know all.

Male voice: Can you ‘Beat the Bookworm’?

[Cut to Keaton Seasons and Cindy at the game stage]

Keaton Seasons: Alright, welcome to ‘Beat the Bookworm’. I’m Keaton Seasons and I am joined by Cindy, a–

Cindy: Unemployed.

Keaton Seasons: From Phoenix, who just as we ran out of time yesterday won over $32,000, and a chance to go head to head with the bookworm.

[The wall rotates and there’s Bookworm sitting there.]

Bookworm: Hello, idiots.

Keaton Seasons: Bookworm, any words for Cindy before we play?

Bookworm: Um, yes, I will win.

Keaton Seasons: Ha-ha. Oh-oh, you hear that Cindy?

Cindy: I’m not scared. I’m gonna beat that damn bookworm.

Keaton Seasons: Don’t say ‘damn’, please. Now, let’s play. You know how it works, Cindy. You and the bookworm will answer a series of questions from a category of your choice. If you score higher than the bookworm, you’ll leave here with $1 million. But if you don’t–

Bookworm: You’ll leave here with what you are, nothing.

Keaton Seasons: Cindy, will the bookworm be answering questions about Shakespeare’s Comedies?

Bookworm: Oh, the Bard of Avon. I am partially Parkish as I may be, the bookworm does love that category.

Keaton Seasons: The space Race.

Bookworm: Um, who would be the first to touch the cosmos? The Starjen Shives or the Hamaran Sikil? Pick this category and USSR going to lose.

Keaton Seasons: ’90s Pop Culture.

Bookworm: Noooo!

Keaton Seasons: Alright, Cindy, which category do you think will beat the bookworm.

Cindy: Um, I’m leaning towards ’90s Pop Culture because of that long “Noooo!” Then again, I did study Shakespeare in college.

Bookworm: Um, so? Shakespeare it is.

Cindy: But then again, I am a ’90s kid, so let’s go with ’90s Pop Culture.

Bookworm: Noooo! I don’t know any of that stuff. I spent the ’90s reading books.

Keaton Seasons: Let’s play. Beat the Bookworm. [Bookworm looks nervous] Bookworm, your time begins now. Name the Super Bother’s Mario and–

Bookworm: Kevin?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: MC Hammer was too legit to–

Bookworm: Drive?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: Terminator 2 lined all be–

Bookworm: Back in the Jeff?

[wrong answer buzzer]

None of this was in my books.

Keaton Seasons: Finish the TLC lyric, don’t go chasing–

Bookworm: Dogs.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: Forest Gump said, “Life is like a box of–”

Bookworm: Condoms?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh! I’m gonna lose.

Keaton Seasons: Michael Jackson was king of–

Bookworm: The Jews.

Keaton Seasons: No, that was Jesus Christ. Last question, name the science guy–

Bookworm: Ah, yes! I know them all.

Keaton Seasons: –who hosted a kid’s TV show.

Bookworm: Who is that? He is not a real scientist!

[Time up buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: Out of time! Wow! Cindy, a lucky break in the form of an absolute cratering on behalf of the bookworm. How do you feel?

Cindy: Damn good.

Keaton Seasons: You said ‘damn’ again. Coming up, Cindy goes for the million and bookworm, since you scored zero, you gotta wear the dum-dum hat.

Bookworm: Not the dum-dum hat! Please!

[Keaton Seasons puts a cone hat with ‘Dum-Dum’ written on Bookworm]

Keaton Seasons: We’ll be right back.