Weekend Update Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese on New York City

Michael Che

Fran Lebowitz… Bowen Yang

Martin Scorsese… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Governor Andrew Cuomo announced this week that the New York city could open indoor dining by mid February. Here to comment are the stars of the Netflix show  “Pretend It’s a City”, Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese.

[Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese slide in]

Fran Lebowitz: Here we are!

Michael Che: How are you doing, Fran and Martin? It’s an honor to have you both here.

Fran Lebowitz: Please. I’ve been so bored at home, I was about to get married to my cufflinks. Let me tell you, I’ve done so many interviews in front of audiences, I have squatter’s rights at the 92nd street wide, okay?

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: Well, I love the series because it’s the two of you just sitting and talking and Marty just losing his mind.

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Fran Lebowitz: That’s right. They asked me my range and I said I can sit and I can sit down. And the people who went to these talks, they were children. They asked me should I be a writer, should I be a film maker? I say, “No, you should be something useful. Be a piece of melon wrapped in prosciutto.”

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: And that’s your advice?

Fran Lebowitz: What? Martin loves it.

Michael Che: Yeah, Martin seems to love everything you do. Martin, how is it shooting with Fran?

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Okay, well, Fran, do you think New York is doing right now good? Is it doing okay?

Fran Lebowitz: Ah, I love it. It’s the worst. Disgusting. I’ll never move. My friends, they’re inviting me to their backyards where socially distanced gatherings, the only outro gathering I go to is the taxi line at JFK. You know why? They let you smoke. Okay?[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Martin, you still into this? [Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Yeah.[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: You’re a real New Yorker through and through, Fran.

Fran Lebowitz: Yes, yes. You’re right. You’re right. But hey, remember when everyone in New York city had a machete?

Michael Che: No.

Fran Lebowitz: It used to be, you would go on a subway and you would look at a man’s machete or his penis. Now, everybody’s looking at their phones. You know why? Because there’s nothing to look at. And what’s Dwayne weed?

Martin Scorsese: [out of breath laughing] You’re so funny.

Fran Lebowitz: Kids are so short nowadays, you know why? You can’t smoke in bars anymore.

Michael Che: I don’t think that’s why.

Fran Lebowitz: Gender doesn’t exist anymore, you know why? Ed Koch died.

[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he pulls off his eyebrows.]

Michael Che: Did he just laugh his eyebrows off?

Fran Lebowitz: Martin, listen to this. I was walking down the street the other day and you know what occurred to me? Emotional support animals.

[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he falls off his seat]

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Fran Lebowitz: Martin’s off the chair. Time to go.

Michael Che: Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese, everybody!

Fran Lebowitz: Taxi! Taxi!

Handmaids in the City

Alex Moffat

Of Fred… Amy Schumer

Of Warren… Kate McKinnon

Of John… Aidy Bryant

Of Gary… Cecily Strong

[Starts with “Handmaids in the City” intro]

Female voice: Let’s face it, ladies. In 2018, a handmaid’s tale is basically our “Sex and the City.” So, whether you’re Of Fred or Of Warren, you’ll love who lose all new spinoff show, “Handmaids in the City.”

[Cut to Of Fred having her meal. She is talking to Alex. He a guard with a taser in his hand. All women are wearing red robes and white bonnets.]

Of Fred: We’ve been sent good weather.

Alex: Praise be.

Female voice: As I waited for the girls in Downtown, Gillette, I was feeling like an uptown gal and I couldn’t help but wonder, “Are women allowed to do anything anymore?”

[Of John and Cecily walk in]

Of John: Under his eye.

Of Fred: Oh! Under his eye? What about under my eye? Look at these bags.

Cecily: Oh, stop it, Of Fred. You know it doesn’t matter what our faces look like,

Of Fred: As long as we’re fertile.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: Of John, how’s the new place?

Of John: Amazing. It’s rent controlled. John controls me. And I don’t pay rent.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: You’re bad.

Of Fred: Yeah, but not too bad. Otherwise you get [makes choking sound, gesturing her hand as hanging on a rope].

[ladies laughing] [Cut to the show intro]

Female voice: From the Executive Producer of “Sex and the City” and 80 year old author, Margaret Atwood, it’s a show critics are calling, “So brutal” and “More uplifting than the news.”

[Cut back to the ladies. Of Warren joins them.]

Of Warren: Sorry, I’m late.

Of John: Under his–

Of Warren: [interrupting] Ah! don’t. [She has swollen eye.]

Of John: Ooh.

Of Fred: Did you get a little work done?

Of Warren: Is it that obvious?

Of John: No. It looks good on you. You look younger.

Of Warren: Well, this is what I get for reading a newspaper.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: Of Warren, something really is different about you.

Of Fred: I know. It’s that new manolo bonnet.

Cecily: No. No, that’s not it. You lost weight?

Of Warren: I gave birth. Does that count?

[ladies laughing] [Cut to the show intro]

Female voice: You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll say, “Oh my god, this so could be me and my friends. You know, with the way things are going.”

[Cut back to the ladies]

Of John: Gals, guess what I did last night?

Of Fred: Are your rashan in silence and cried into your straw bed?

Of John: Yes. Classic me.

Of Warren: Well, I had sex with a married couple.

Of John: Ooh, so did I. Who would have guessed we’d be having three ways in our 30s?

Of Fred: Three way? How about a one way ticket out of here?

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: So, I’m seeing someone new.

Of Warren: Really?

Cecily: Yeah. I’m Of Gary now.

Of Fred: Bless it be the fruit.

Of John: Bless it be my fruit. I’m sweating under these robes.

[ladies laughing]

Of Warren: Oh! I hate to always talk about our guy problems. But my commanding officer Warren and I are having issues.

Of Fred: Of what? What’s wrong?

Of Warren: Argh! It’s his ex. His last handmaid hung herself and he’s just not over it.

Of Fred: So, you’re saying he’s ‘hung up’ on her?

[Alex tases Of Fred]

Of Fred thinking: As I was getting tased, I was shocked at my lack of rights in this new world but stunned at how amazing I look in red.

[Of Fred smiles as she gets tased.] [Cut to show outro]

Female voice: “Handmaids in the City.” If you’re not traumatized, you’re not watching TV.