Josh… Beck Bennett
Mario… Kyle Mooney
CJ… Larry David[Starts with Josh playing a clarinet in home] [Mario walks in]
Mario: What is that sound? And who do I have to pay to make it stop?
Josh: I’m practicing my clarinet for when my cousin CJ gets here.
Mario: Oh, yeah. Think he’ll be able to take care of our fish when we go on our bike ride tomorrow?
Josh: I hope so. CJ loves fish.
Mario: Great! In the mean time, do you mind taking that thing outside? [pointing at Josh’s clarinet]
Josh: Hey! Hey![Cut to Josh and Mario in the kitchen. CJ walks in.]
Josh: My cousin, CJ.
CJ: Josh and Mario. Here I am. Let’s celebrate. Got any beers?[Mario passes six-packs of beers to CJ]
Perfect! One for you. [CJ passes one can to Mario] And five for me. [CJ keeps five for himself]
Josh: Cousin CJ, can we ask you something?
CJ: Why not? I am your cousin CJ after all.
Mario: What we were wondering is will you watch our fish while we ride bikes tomorrow?
CJ: I can’t believe you’d ask me that. Of course I will.[Josh, Mario and CJ high-five each other] [Cut to CJ drinking beer alone at night. Mario walks in to the fridge.]
CJ: Let me guess. Snack time for Mario?
Mario: [gets scared] Ah! CJ, I didn’t know you were there.
CJ: Sorry about that. We need more beer.
Mario: What about feeding the fish tomorrow?
CJ: Who cares? Beer is all that matters to me.
Mario: We’re all out, CJ. And that’s that.[CJ throws the chair to the fridge and breaks it.] [Cut to Mario getting ready for bike ride. CJ walks in drinking beer.]
CJ: Oh, good morning, Mario. Sleep well?
Mario: No, I didn’t and I think you know why.
CJ: Who cares?[CJ picks up a stool and breaks it again.] [Josh walks in]
Josh: Hey, what’s going on in here?
CJ: Me and Mario were just goofing around. Right Mario?
Mario: Yeah. Just goofing around. Hey, Josh, can we talk in private?
Josh: Sure.[Josh and Mario take a step back.]
Mario: Your cousin CJ, he has been drinking a lot and throwing chairs at me.
Josh: Oh, relax, Mario. He’s just having fun. It’s very exciting time for cousin CJ. [Cut to CJ eavesdropping] He just got to town.
Mario: Listen, I didn’t want to say this but I’m gonna tell you. I think he’s addicted.
Josh: CJ?[Josh turns and looks at CJ drinking]
Mario: Alright, let’s go on our bike ride.[Cut to CJ playing guitar alone in the house. He sees the fish bowl.]
CJ: Wait, what was I supposed to do today? Oh, yeah. Have a blast.[as CJ is playing guitar running around, he breaks the fish bowl.] [Cut to Josh and Mario peeking from the outside] [Josh and Mario walk in]
CJ: Hey, feeding the fish went great!
Mario: You’re lying. You killed the fish. You used to be my hero.
CJ: Leave me alone loser. [CJ pulls out a knife and stabs Mario. Mario is bleeding.] Oh, no! I stabbed Mario. Why would I do this?
Josh: Because you’re addicted. Admit it.
CJ: You’re right. I admit it. I need help.
Mario: Great! Let’s drink!