Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Weekend Update intro]Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Jack DeShara.]The person who allegedly leaked classified Pentagon documents on social media has been identified as Jack DeShara who is a Massachusetts Air National Guardsmen, I assume in a school play. DeShara shared the document in a private social media group that members say started as a place where young men could play war themed video games, bond over their love of guns and post racist memes. And now it’s ruined. It was revealed that just before his arrest, DeShara a contacted the members of his group and said “Guys, it’s been good. I love you all.” And of course his friends all replied, “Gay.”
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Discord logo.]Michael Che: The online group DeShara started was named “Thug Shaker Central”. Thug Shaker Central is also what Colin calls Atlanta.
[Picture changes to Joe Biden]President Biden is trying to downplay the recent leak of classified US documents that were posted on social media. Because when you’re over 80, a couple of leaks is nothing to be embarrassed about.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]Colin Jost: In the interview, Donald Trump claimed that New York police and court employees were crying when they arrested him. Why is everyone in Trump’s stories always crying?
[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]Donald Trump: People came to me and they saw me and they were crying.
[Cut to another video]Donald Trump: Very tough, very strong, very powerful men. They were crying.
[Cut to another video]Donald Trump: They had tears in their eyes, and they were all crying. Everybody was crying.
[Cut to another video]Donald Trump: People were crying.
[Cut to another video]Donald Trump: They were crying.
[Cut to another video]Donald Trump: These are people that didn’t cry when they were babies. They never cried in their life, and they were crying. A lot of them were crying.
[Cut back to Colin Jost.]Colin Jost: Sir, you’re bragging that when people see you, they just like burst into tears. Because it never sounds like excited crying, like when teenagers see like BTS. It sounds more like scared crying like when hostages see Jigsaw.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “States stock pile abortion pill”.]Michael Che: After a judge’s ruling left access to abortion pills uncertain, some state officials are stockpiling them just in case. Officials like California Governor Gavin Newsom, Massachusetts governor Maura Healy and New York comedian Michael Che.
[PIcture changes to Harlan Crowe and Clarence Thomas.]After it was revealed that Harlan Crowe bought Clarence Thomas home, Crowe said he did it so he could one day turn it into a museum dedicated to Thomas. It’ll be called “The Sexual Harassment Hall of Fame.”
[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Harlan Crowe and Clarence Thomas.]Colin Jost: Conservative judges and pundits have defended Thomas by saying that his deals with Harlan Crowe are not corrupt because crow had no business before the court. But come on, does this conservative Christian billionaire strike you as someone who didn’t want them to overturn Roe V. Wade? He looks like he’s on a pamphlet called “Why you have to keep it.”
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]Michael Che: President Biden traveled to Ireland this week and as being called the most Irish president since Kennedy. In fact, Biden has so much Irish blood that he doesn’t need a drink to slur his words.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dianne Feinstein.]Colin Jost: Wow. Easy. Senator Dianne Feinstein who is 89 is facing calls to resign from fellow Democrats. But unfortunately Feinstein is answering those calls on her stapler.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tim Scott.]Michael Che: Republican Senator Tim Scott of South Carolina announced the launch of an exploratory committee for 2024 presidential run. That name again is Tim Scott, as in Tim Scott, no chance of being a nominee.