Meet Cute

Clair… Kristen Stewart

Steve… Pete Davidson

Coffee maker… Mikey Day

Hair Dresser… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a coffee pouring out of coffee machine]

Male voice: Soy coffee with latte milk.

[two people try to get the cup]

Clair: Oops, sorry.

Steve: Oh, that’s okay. That’s crazy. Nobody ever gets my order.

Clair: Order up! [Clair picks up the cup and gives it to Steve]

Steve: We’re gonna need a bigger cup! [Clair and Steve laughing] Oh! I’m Steve.

Clair: I’m Clair. Hi, Steve.

Steve: Um, I never do this but… I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to get dinner sometime?

Clair: Um, yeah. Yeah, I would. I would love that.

Steve: Oh, great.

Clair: Okay, well, I’ll see you tonight?

Steve: Yeah. I can’t wait.

Clair: Bye, Steve.

Steve: Bye, Clair.

Male voice: Another soy coffee with latte milk.

[Steve gets the cup, then suddenly turns around. Clair is getting in the car.]

Steve: But wait! Where are we going? And what time? And what’s your last name? And what’s your phone number? What’s everything? Clair!

[Cut to Clair in her car]

Clair: [talking on phone] Mom, this is a little nuts, but I think I just met someone.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: That girl that was just here. Do you know her last name?

Coffee maker: No, dude. Sorry.

Steve: Maybe there’s like, the last name on a receipt that you could check?

Coffee maker: Dude, I’m not just gonna like, show you someone’s receipt.

Steve: Have you ever been in a situation where you meet your soulmate, you just need to help a friend?

Coffee maker: No.

[Cut to Clair walking in the street looking very happy]

[Cut to Steve searching for Clair in Facebook]

Steve: 3 million results?

[Cut to Clair in a hair salon]

Hair dresser: I have never seen you this happy. You are gonna look amazing. You’re gonna go out there and be like, “Say what?” And he’s gonna be like, “Get on it!”

[Cut to Steve calling everyone named Clair out of phonebook]

Steve: Have you seen somebody named Clair? Hi, is this Clair? That’s like a sunshine in her eyes. Clair? Well, you’re crazy!

[Cut to Clair showing her outfit to her friends.]

[First dress]

Friends: Argh!

[Second dress]

Friends: No!

[Third dress]

Friends: [happily screaming] Ahhh! Yay!

[Cut to Steve walking around asking people about Clair]

Steve: She’s like this tall and she doesn’t tell you like, important stuff. Clair?

[Cut to Clair taking a seat at a restaurant]

Clair: [to waiter] He’ll be here soon.

[Cut to Steve asking the coffee maker]

Steve: So, she could be at the wine bar on the second avenue, the wine bar on third avenue, any of the subway stations–

Coffee Maker: Dude, it’s Manhattan with two Ts, not two Ds.

Steve: It’s not Manhaddan?

Coffee Maker: No, dude.

[Cut to Clair waiting for Steve alone]

[Cut to Steve shouting Clair’s name in the streets]

Steve: Clair! Clair! Clair!

[Cut to Clair. The waiter brings in the check.]

Clair: Thanks. This was– This was fun.

[Cut to Steve shouting Clair’s name in the streets]

Steve: Clair! Clair! Clair!

[Cut to Clair back in her house]

[Cut to Steve yelling Clair’s name for the last time on his knees.]

Steve: Clair!

[Cut to Clair sitting in her house. She hears Steve shouting her name. She opens the window and looks down at the street.]

Clair: Steve!

Steve: Clair? Oh my god, I’ve been looking for you all night!

Clair: Oh, really? Well, you found me. I don’t normally do this but you want to come up?

Steve: Of course. I would love that.

Clair: I’ll see you in a sec, then.

Steve: See you up there.

[Clair gets in and closes the window]

Clair! I don’t know what apartment you’re in! Clair!

Chopped | Season 44 Episode 20

Host… Beck Bennett

Georgina… Leslie Jones

Clair… Melissa Villaseñor

Emma Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Alex Moffat

[Starts with intro of Chopped]

Host: Four chefs started out with the goal of wowing our judges using the ingredients in their mastery basket. Now, only two remain, Georgina and Clair. Who will it be?

[Cut Georgina and Clair shaking hands]
Georgina: You did some great cooking out there. I think either one of us could win.

[Cut to Clair]

Clair: I think you could win or could win.

[Cut to Georgina]

Georgina: That’s what I just said.

[Cut to the judges and the host]

Host: Judges, those were some really tricky baskets. But after three rounds what do you think?

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and Clair making her dishes]

Emma Thompson: Well, going back to the appetizer round, Clair really made very great use of those artichoke hearts.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, they were so crispy.

Alex Moffat: Yeah, and she wasn’t thrown by the loose sugar.

Emma Thompson: But she had a harder time with the five-pound horse penis.

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and Georgina making her dishes]

Georgina had problems too. Her appetizer was supposed to be an artichoke slider.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, but it was actually just a kitten on a hamburger bun.

[Cut to the host]

Host: What did you think of the salad?

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the salads]

Alex Moffat: Her salad seemed like an afterthought. And she overdressed it.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, it didn’t need the full tuxedo. Just a tie would have been fine.

Emma Thompson: And Clair seemed to be just pretending to wash her hands.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, she didn’t even touch the water.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Let’s move on to the main course round.

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the contestants making their dishes]
Alex Moffat: I thought the way Clair incorporated the marshmallow fluff into her steak sauce was really clever.

Aidy Bryant: You know what? But, my steak was raw.

Emma Thompson: Raw like the temperature or raw like it had a mouth and kept using the ‘C’ word?

Aidy Bryant: That one.

Emma Thompson: Okay.

Emma Thompson: I thought Georgina served a really nice plate of food.

Alex Moffat: Well, she served me divorce papers. And now she has half of everything.

[Cut to the host]

Host: But you have full custody of her kid.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex Moffat: Yes.

[Cut to Emma and Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: But kid like goat, right?

[Cut to Alex playing with a goat]

Alex Moffat: Yes.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Let’s talk about dessert.

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the desserts]

Aidy Bryant: You know, Georgina was really determined that she was going to get to that ice cream machine first.

[Cut to video clip of Georgina shooting Clair to get to the machine first]

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the desserts]

Emma Thompson: I just wish she had transformed the candy cigarette. Because she just stuck it in the ice cream.

Alex Moffat: Yeah, along with some real cigarettes.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Sounds like you could make a case for either one to be ‘Chopped’ champion.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: But one stood out.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Okay. So, whose dish is on the chopping block? [Cut to Georgina and Clair getting nervous to know about the result]

[The host opens the chopping block. There is a cat in the bun.]

Chef Georgina, you’ve been chopped.

[Cut to Georgina]

Georgina: You know, I’m definitely disappointed and maybe I’m not the ‘Chopped’ champion. But I never signed a release. So, y’all can’t use any of this. Suck it.

[Cut to the host]

Host: And that means chef Clair is the new ‘Chopped’ champion.

Clair: Yes!

[Cut to Alex]

Alex Moffat: Let me know when the cameras are off. [Alex is trying to eat the cat]