The War in Words | Season 44 Episode 7

James… Mikey Day

Margaret… Claire Foy

Hemry… Kenan Thompson

[Intro playing]

Narrator: This is a PBS world war I centennial special. The war in words: letters from the trenches.

[Cut to old photographs of Private James and his wife Margaret] The letters of Private James merchant of the king rifles to his wife, Margaret.

[Cut to James writing a letter]

James: My darling Margaret, this war is hell. We in our trench, the Germans in theirs, dying by the thousands, and for what? [Cut to Margaret reading the letter] The only thoughts that calm my mind are ones of you, [Cut to the letter] my love. You adoring husband, James.

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret] James, sounds dreadful. Love, Margaret.

[Cut to James looking at the letter and looking confused. He starts replying to that letter]

James: My dearest Margaret. I was mad with excitement to receive your letter, though I found it lacking in substance. In future letters, please elaborate. As I long to read your words. Yours faithfully, James.

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret] James, will do. Love Margaret.

James: [Cut to James angry] Margaret, my dear, it seems that prose is not your forte. Perhaps you could send me a photograph of yourself instead? Your loving husband, James.

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret] James, enclosed is a photograph of me. Please enjoy it privately, you naughty boy: Hee-Hee, love, Margaret.

James: [Cut to James with a photograph in his left hand] Margaret, no! This is a photograph of you as a child. [Cut to an old photograph of a child] And the suggestion that I should enjoy it is extremely disturbing. Please send a current photograph of yourself instead. Your husband, James.

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret] James, as requested, here is a photograph I’ve taken this afternoon. Please send back the other one if you can pry it away from your army friends that is, hee-hee. Love, Margaret.

James: [Cut to James]Again, my love, nobody finds your childhood photo arousing. And as for this current photograph, [Cut to an old photograph of Margaret and a stranger] who is this gentleman you are with? He looks to have made himself very comfortable in our home and why is he wearing my hat? [Cut to James] Perhaps you would like to give him my pocket watch as well. Answers, Please, your husband, James.

Henry: [Cut to Henry] Dear James, Henry here, I cannot thank you enough for the pocket watch. I love it. You and your wife are so kind, which is why I don’t believe a word of what the newspaper are saying. There’s no way she could have committed that crime. Can you write me at 149 Cherry Street, Brighton, UK. Henry.

James: [Cut to James] But that’s my house! [Starts writing again] Dearest Margaret, I am positively starved for context. Henry’s led me to believe you’re in trouble with the law. Of what crime are you accused? And who is Henry? And why is he living in our home? Confused in France, James.

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret] James, Henry is the man in the photograph.

James: [Cut to James] Yes, I know, but who is he?

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret] Anyway, love, wish me luck. My trial is today. Love, Margaret. P.S. how is World War I going?

James: [Cut to James] The war is bad, Margaret. And why would you call it World War I? This is cryptic. Do you think there will be a second World War? And also still needed, details about your legal troubles, i.e., how did the trial go? Also, everything Henry! Out letters have become like the causes of this war, deeply confused, your beleaguered husband, James.

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret. She is wearing a military uniform] My dearest James, forgive my silence. I will explain everything when I see you in France. That’s right; I have joined the army as a gunnery maid. I will be serving under captain Wilhelm in the Blitz division. Love, Margaret.[Margaret wears a helmet]

James: [Cut to James] Oh, my god, she’s joined the German army!

[Playing outro]

Narrator: Stay tuned for more of “The War in words: Letters from the trenchies.

Netflix Commercial | Season 44 Episode 7

Ruth… Kate McKinnon

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Claire Foy

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

[NETFLIX commercial playing]

Narrator: This holiday season give the gift of NETFLIX and enjoy streaming shows like [Cut to small clip from Stranger Things, The Crown and Making a Murderer] “Stranger Things,” “The Crown,” and “Making a Murder.” And in 2019 we’ll have even more programming to choose from because we’ve gone crazy! That’s right. [Showing thumbnails of many series in NETFLIX interface] We’re spending billions of dollars and making every show in the world. Our goal is the endless scroll. By the time you reach the bottom of our menu, there’s new shows at the top. And thus the singularity will be achieved. How we doing it? Simple. We buy everything. Here’s a look at one of our actual pitch meetings.

Heidi Gardner: [Cut to Heidi in NETFLIX office giving presentation of her show] So this show is about a girl named Jimmy.

Mikey Day: [Cut to Mikey Day with a pile of money on his desk accepting Heidi Gardner’s show]Yes, here’s money. Go, make it.[Throwing money at Heidi]

Narrator: We’re even buying stuff from ourselves. We love [Cut to clips from movie, The Crown] Claire Foy as Queen Elizabeth so much, we’re sending her back to high school.

Claire Foy: [Claire Foy in high school] I’m in over my crown!

Narrator: It’s “Saved By The Crown.” We’ve got so many shows. Even we haven’t seen them all. Like “Kenny Meat Depot.” It’s been on for three seasons, and only one woman watches it.

Ruth: Hello. I’m Ruth, and I love “Kenny Meat Depot.”

Mikey Day: Thanks, Ruth.

Narrator: And hey. We still got movies, thousands of them — 12 of which you want to watch.

Mikey Day: We even made all the fake movies from “Entourage.”

Narrator: Betty Ian and Queen’s Boulevard. And we got reboots. Like our dark take on “Sabrina,” then you’ll love our “Greedy Family Matters” reboot.

Officer Winslow.

Chris Redd: Oh, la la my pet. [Kenan is drinking liquor from the bottle. He looks at Christ Redd] I love you.

[Kenan points a gun on Chris’ head]

Kenan Thompson: Get the fuck out of my house!

[Chris runs out of the house. Kenan shoots on the ceiling of his house]

Why did I do that?

Narrator: But don’t worry, we also got that comedy, like comedians in cars getting coffee or Leslie Jones in a van getting batteries.

Leslie Jones: [Leslie speaking out of her van’s window] Let’s go get some DURACELL. [Leslie is driving. She hits something] Oh, man, I think I hit that dude on the bike! [Leslie is driving away from the cops]

Narrator: It will take 12 human lifetimes to watch all of our content.  So start watching now.

Morning Joe – Wedding | Season 44 Episode 7

Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

Elijah Cummings… Kenan Thompson

Katty Kay… Claire Foy

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

[News intro playing]

You’re the heartbeat of Georgetown

[Cut to Joe, Mika, Willie, and Elijah in a news set]

A faded jeans boy in an Armani town

Joe Scarborough: Good morning, gang. You know, that’s ‘Heartbeat if Georgetown.’ An original rock jam by young up and comer named [pointing at himself] Joe Scarborough.

Mika Brzezinski: You guys, Joe has a band. Wow. Did he ever tell you that, Willie?

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] Frequently, I saw him play on the view.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Oh, yeah, man. Those ladies get it. We blew the roof off that joint until 11:00 a.m.

Mika Brzezinski: Right and afterwards they put it on YouTube and Joe watched it 200 times.

Joe Scarborough: Oh, yeah, baby. Now with us this morning is Shoni’s big boy mascot, Willie Geist.

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] Good morning.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] And our good pals representative Elijah Cummings, who fun fact, [Cut to Elijah] presided over our joyous wedding this past weekend.

Elijah Cummings: Yes, I did.

Willie Geist: [Cut to everybody] Congratulations.

[Joe and Mika showing their engagement rings]

Mika Brzezinski: We are married, and now I’m worried my eyes are going to roll back in my head and just stay there.

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] I didn’t know you were a reverend.

Elijah Cummings: Well, I’m not but I’m black, and my name is Elijah.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Pretty good guess. Now, in a few minutes, we’ll talk to BBC world’s Katty Kay. Katty, [Cut to Katty in another news set] how do they say good morning in the UK?

Katty Kay: Good morning.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Katty on the right side] Ooh-la-la.

Mika Brzezinski: That’s sophisticated.

Joe Scarborough: Fancy. And I understand you have a huge scoop on Trump’s Moscow project?

Katty Kay: That’s right, Joe. We can now confirm that in July 2016, Donald Trump personally–

Joe Scarborough: [Interfering while Katty speaks] That’s coming up in a few minutes. Thanks, Katty. [Cut to Joe and Mika] And was that an amazing reception that we had this weekend?

Mika Brzezinski: It was wonderful.

Joe Scarborough: Did you like the food, Willie?

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] I was not invited.

Joe Scarborough: You were there in spirit, pal. Yep, that’s right, gang. She made an honest man out of– wow. No more living in sin or this guy.

Mika Brzezinski: Oh, my god. Were we really living in sin? You want to confess your sins?

[Cut to Joe and Mika face each other and tend to get intimate]

Joe Scarborough: Maybe I do. I’ve had impure thoughts.

Mika Brzezinski: Wow. Then maybe you need to say five hail Mikas.

Joe Scarborough: With pleasure.

[Cut to Willie looking awkward] [Cut to Elijah looking awkward] [Cut to Joe and Mika]

Let’s get to the news. The freshman class of 2018 just descended on Congress. And no one is making a bigger splash than a Democrat from New York Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez who joins us now.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: [Cut to Alexandria] Thank you Joe, Mika. Look at me. I’m different.

[Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Alexandria on the right side]

Joe Scarborough: Congratulations on your election victory.

Mika Brzezinski: Yeah, well, incredible. You’re only 29. You’ve overcome incredible odds to get a job in Congress.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Well, I’m a millennial. Getting any full-time job is overcoming incredible odds. I’m actually still working for test rabbit.

Joe Scarborough: A second job. You’re going to be pretty busy, Alexandria. You know I was in Congress, and trust me its tough over there.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Joe, [Cut to Alexandria] I worked as a bartender in a Mexican restaurant like 11 minutes ago. This job is a freaking breeze. We get Saturday and Sunday off. I can sit down whenever I want. Changing America’s health care system is going to be Nada.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Well, I’m glad you’re so optimistic. We’ve read you have gotten a few death threats since being elected.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: [Cut to Alexandria] Listen. I grew up riding the 6 train. I’m used to crazy people yellin, “I’m gonna kill you” for no reason. That’s not a death threat. That’s just a Tuesday in the Bronx. I was born for this.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Alexandria on the right side]

Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez thanks for joining us. You know, guys, [Cut to Joe and Mika] I’m still on a high from this weekend. I’m buzzing.

Mika Brzezinski: It was so us.

Joe Scarborough: It was. Sure was. We even wrote our own vows.

Mika Brzezinski: I vowed to hold you as tightly as I hold my java juice.

Joe Scarborough: That’s right. And damned if I didn’t vowed to please, squeeze and tease you.

Mika Brzezinski: And you slid a ring on my finger didn’t you?

Joe Scarborough:  I can slide a lot more than that.

[Cut to Joe and Mika face each other and tend to get intimate]

Mika Brzezinski: You’re vile.

Joe Scarborough: And you love it.

[Cut to Willie shaking his head looking awkward] [Cut to Elijah looking awkward] [Cut to Joe and Mika]

Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski: Partisan politics. Partisan politics.

Joe Scarborough: That’s our safe word. Let’s get to the big story, Katty Kay joins us from Washington where she has breaking news on the Trump investigation. [Cut to Katty] Katty, what do you have for us?

Katty Kay: Joe, we now have definitive proof that Donald Trump ordered–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting in the middle while Katty speaks] [Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Katty on the right side]

Because Katy, there’s smoke here and have no fire. Trump can tweet however he wants, but the truth will come out.

Mika Brzezinski: Truth always comes out.

Katty Kay: Indeed. And that’s why–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting Katty from speaking] I mean what’s this report going to tell us that we don’t know?

Mika Brzezinski: Nothing.

Joe Scarborough: What new evidence even needs to come out?

Katty Kay: It’s funny you should say that–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting Katty] I mean the guy surrounds himself with crooks. The only thing we’re missing is a true smoking gun.

Katty Kay: He’s not listening.

Joe Scarborough: And why do even need a smoking gun?

Katty Kay: I can say whatever I want.

Joe Scarborough: We already know this stuff.

Katty Kay: Donald trump a werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: There’s another bombshell every day.

Katty Kay: He’s a gay werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: I mean there’s nothing left to say.

Katty Kay: He’s a gay Mexican werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: Katty Kay, thanks for joining us, always insightful.

[Cut to Joe and Mika]

Mika Brzezinski: Wonderful. We’re going to take a break. Here’s more of Joe’s new song “The heartbeat of Georgetown.”

Joe Scarborough: Dig it!

[Outro plays]

HSN | Season 44 Episode 7

Male host… Kenan Thompson

Becky… Claire Foy

Tamara VanBurke… Cecily Strong

Charlene VanBurke… Aidy Bryant

[Intro of HSN playing] [Cut to HSN hosts in their show set]

Kenan: Well, Becky, bad news, we have officially sold out of the Candace Cameron Bure [Cut to the book male host is holding] Full Body shape wear sets.

[Cut to Kenan and Becky]

Becky: I knew that would happen. They were too good to last.

Kenan: And you know who got the last pair? Me. I got ‘em on right now.

Becky: Oh, you little stinker. You look dynamite.

Kenan: They’re smashing my wiener. But I like the feeling, and I love the look.

Becky: All right. [Kenan throws the book away] Now, we are moving on to a brand new vendor here at “HSN.” Her name is Tamara VanBurke, and she’s going to be showing us her ‘Teeny Adorables.’

Kenan: Well, that’s right. Let’s get it out here.

[Tamara comes in]

Becky: Hi Tamara.

Kenan: Hey Tamara.

Becky: Good to have you.

Tamara VanBurke: Can I just say I’m having like a real fangirl moment. [Cut to Tamara] I watch you guys every day. Don’t be scared but I know like, everything about you.

[Cut to everbody]

Becky: Oh you are too sweet.

Kenan: Yeah, why don’t you tell us about your Teeny Adorables?

Tamara VanBurke: OKay. They’re very small. [Cut to Tamara] Just a little bigger than a tiny grain of rice. Sorry, my heart is beating so fast. They’re one of a kind, ceramic gifts. Guaranteed to be unique since I make only one of each kind. And there are over 800.

[Cut to everybody]

Becky: And you’re a one-woman operation? Amazing.

Tamara VanBurke: Yes, yes, [Cut to Tamara] it’s just me with tiny tweezers, little magnifying glasses, all night long for hours.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: Wow, and you brought them all with you today?

Tamara VanBurke: Yes, I did. They’re right in my case. [Tamara looks behind and starts looking for her case] Where is—[Cut to Tamara] my god. Oh, no, oh, god. Oh god, I was– I was so excited about being here that I left them in the flipping Uber! I’m stinking idiot.

[Cut to everybody]

Becky: Okay. Okay, just hang on sweety.

Kenan: Yeah, maybe sounds like maybe you forgot those Teeny Adorables?

Tamara VanBurke: Maybe? No. I left them in the tea bag [Cut to Tamara. Tamara is pissed off] in Uber because I’m a stupid butthole bitch.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: Okay, sweetie. Think you might be being a little hard on yourself.

Becky: If they’re in the Uber, maybe we can just give him a call.

Tamara VanBurke: No. No, [Cut to Tamara] I’m sure he’s got them. Because for some freaking reason I had to open my fat mouth and brag and tell him they were over $100,000. Why Hubris god, eat my ass to hell!

[Cut to Kenan and Becky]

Becky: Okay, well, [Cut to everybody] you know what sweetheart, I’ve seen these collectibles.

Tamara VanBurke: [Tamara leans her head on the table] Oh, bitch!

Becky:  And I think I can just tell everybody what they look like.

Tamara VanBurke: [Tamara losing control] Oh my brain sucks.

Becky: There’s one that looks like a tiny circle of camels just like for Jerusalem times.

Tamara VanBurke: God sucking loser!

Becky: And they’re just having the nicest little conversation.

Tamara VanBurke: Ass.

Kenan: Okay, all right, I think you’re starting to scare me a little bit.

Becky: Maybe we just need to—

Tamara VanBurke: Need to what, kill me? Oh, please, you know what? [Cut to Tamara] That would actually be a favor because frankly, I am too much of a little chicken dump to do it myself.

[Cut to Kenan and Becky]

Becky: Our phones are lighting up like crazy but remember folks, there’s nothing to buy.

Tamara VanBurke: Chicken dump loser!

[Charlene, Tamara’s mother, comes in on her wheelchair]

Charlene VanBurke: What the hell are you doing out here?

Tamara VanBurke: No, please mother, [Cut to everybody] do not pile on right now.

Kenan: So, this is your mother?

Becky: Well, that’s fine, isn’t it?

Charlene VanBurke: Well I told her she was incapable of [Cut to Charlene] handling stuff like this–

Tamara VanBurke: Mother get out of here.

Charlene VanBurke: [Cut to Tamara and Charlene] She can’t focus because she has no concentration.

Tamara VanBurke: Oh god, crack ass.

Charlene VanBurke: Her thoughts don’t connect to anything.

Tamara VanBurke: Oh my dumb ass, lie.

Charlene VanBurke: Now, did she tell you about her eyes?

Tamara VanBurke: Mother, stop!

Becky:  [[Cut to Kenan and Becky] What’s wrong with her eyes?

Tamara VanBurke: I can only [Cut to Tamara] see shadows!

Charlene VanBurke: Yes. [Cut to everybody] Yes, you ruined them making those dumb tiny things.

Tamara VanBurke: Oh, my dog balls, lie!

Charlene VanBurke: Yeah, [Cut to Tamara and Charlene] I sat behind her every night as she bent over those little Dodads.

Tamara VanBurke: Oh, crack my ass!

Charlene VanBurke: And I said, no one is ever, ever going to buy one of those little clowns. [Cut to everybody] And now she needs surgery, ‘cause her eyes are junk’.

Tamara VanBurke: Out! Get out! No! Don’t back up! Out! You out! Out! Out!

[Cut to Kenan and Becky]

Kenan: Well, this was great.

Becky: It sure was. [Cut to Kenan, Becky, and Tamara]And we wish you luck with your surgery.

Tamara VanBurke: No, no surgery! I was going to pay for it with the money I got from here.

Becky: Well, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

Tamara VanBurke: Ass.

Kenan: All right, we’ll stick around because our next hour we’ll have Charlene VanBurke her big old adorables.

[Charlene comes in again with a toy that looks like snowman]

Tamara VanBurke: What? Mother!

Charlene VanBurke: My big adorables are cute and Christmasy, and I didn’t forget them.

[Cut to everybody]

Becky: So stay tuned right here to HSN, the homosexual shopping network.

Kenan: It’s home shopping network.

Becky: Is it? Okay. If you say so. We’ll be right back.

[HSN outro plays]

Good Morning Goomah | Season 44 Episode 7

Gina Barbarosa… Kate McKinnon

Sandy Dentista… Claire Foy

Marian Perillo… Aidy Bryant

Tony… Pete Davidson

[TV show intro playing]

Narrator: You’re watching Staten Island cable.

[Cut to Gina and Sandy sitting on a couch of their set]

Gina Barbarosa: It’s 8 AM in Woodrow, Staten Island which means you’re watching “Good morning Goomah.” As always, I’m Gina Barbarosa.

Sandy Dentista: And I am waiting for him to call. I kid. I’m Sandy Dentista.

Gina Barbarosa: And to all the Goomahs watching at home, welcome to the worst month of the year.

Sandy Dentista: December. O

Gina Barbarosa: The holidays.

Sandy Dentista: When he has to see the family.

Gina Barbarosa: Because Christmas is for wives but you know in your heart he loves you just as much because say it with me—

Gina Barbarosa and Sandy Dentista: You do things the wife would never do!

Sandy Dentista: Look what he got me. Is that just fabulous?

Gina Barbarosa: Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Sandy Dentista: He says it was an apartment ring because I’m not allowed to wear it outside of the apartment.

Gina Barbarosa: Oh, okay. So trust me, today is jewelry, tomorrow he’s going to be eating with you in public. I can’t. I can’t

Sandy Dentista: Okay, so now it’s time for an advertisement.

Gina Barbarosa: Okay, let’s get going. Today’s episode is brought to you by Virginia slim’s extra long.

Sandy Dentista: They’re 30% longer because what do you have to do all day?

Gina Barbarosa: Okay, we have a real exciting one today. [Someone presses the door buzzer] Okay, here we go.

Sandy Dentista: Every time.

Speaker on the door: Hello! Leave my husband alone. Do you hear me?

Sandy Dentista: Just got to wait it out.

Speaker on the door: Is this the super? There is a whore living in this building. Dentista, Sandy, whore! 2C, whore.

Gina Barbarosa: Remember, he has to go home to that.

Sandy Dentista: Please, I’m immune. He still uses condoms with that, that one. Oh, the storm passed.

Gina Barbarosa: We’re fine.

Sandy Dentista: Okay, our first guests is Bobby Valico’s her Goomah. Marian Perillo.

[Marian Perillo walks in with a little puppy]

Marian Perillo: Oh, hey sandy, hey Gina.

Sandy Dentista: Hey! Oh, nice little dog. It’s nice to have you on. I hear Bobby’s very happy. But I have to ask you, what happened to the old Goomah?

[Cut to Marian Perillo]

Marian Perillo: Oh well, you didn’t hear it from me, but she’s called the house.

[Cut to Gina and Sandy]

Gina Barbarosa: No! Was she sick?

Sandy Dentista: When your man gets home before things get romantic, does he say hello?

[Cut to Marian Perillo]

Marian Perillo: Never. No, I never get a hello.

[Cut to Gina and Sandy]

Gina Barbarosa: And by romantic, we do mean getting pulverized from the back.

Sandy Dentista: Of course, the only way.

[Cut to Marian Perillo]

Marian Perillo: Yes, of course, face to face is for—

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: The wives!

Gina Barbarosa: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Gina and Sandy]

Sandy Dentista: Oh, my god! Tony is here.

Gina Barbarosa: Oh my god. I told you he’d come. Oh my god.

[Tony comes in from the door. Sandy stands up and walks behind Tony]

Sandy Dentista: Hey, Tony darling! So good to see you, baby cakes.

Tony: You got orange juice?

[Cut to Sandy and Tony]

Sandy Dentista: Of course I do Tony darling. It’s on the table.

Tony: On the table? So it’s hot! You got a hot orange juice. You don’t have cold orange juice? You don’t have ice cubes in it? What the hell?

Sandy Dentista: No Tony. Please, Tony.

Tony: No Tony this, no Tony that! How about this, no Tony!

[Tony walks to the door]

Sandy Dentista: What I got to do. All I do is love you.

Tony: Then get me some cold orange juice! [Tony throws some money to Sandy and storms out]

Sandy Dentista: Why are you so perfect?

Gina Barbarosa: [Cut to Gina] I mean And that’s all for this week on “Good Morning Goomah.”  [Sandy comes and sits beside Gina] I’m Gina Barbarosa, and remember, wait it out.

Sandy Dentista: He’s only with her for the kids.

Cut for Time: Cars | Season 44 Episode 7

Aunt Pinky… Claire Foy

Danny… Beck Bennett

Kenny… Kyle Mooney

[A while house in a peaceful neighborhood. Cut to Daniel and Aunt Pinky sitting on a couch. Daniel is eating his popcorn loudly.]

Aunt Pinky: Wow. [Cut to Aunt Pinky] Somebody likes his corn.

[Cut to Kenny coming in from the back door on his Downhill Derby car]

Kenny: Hey, hey, hey.

Daniel: [Cut to Daniel] What’s that?

Kenny: [Cut to everybody in the room] It’s my car for the Downhill Derby tomorrow.

Daniel: [Cut to Daniel] Where did you get it?

Kenny: [Cut to Kenny] I built it with my dad.

Daniel: [Cut to Daniel] Aunt Pinky, can you help me build a car for the [Cut to Kenny shaking his head] Downhill Derby?

Aunt Pinky: Of course. [Daniel and aunt Pinky hug] Bye. [Aunt Pinky leaves the room]

Daniel: Bye. [Aunt Pinky leaves the room]

Kenny: [Cut to Daniel and Kenny] Excuse me. You’re going to let a girl help you?

Daniel: And what’s wrong with that?

Kenny: Everyone knows girls don’t have car brands. They have [Cut to Kenny] doll brands. [Kenny laughs out loud. He picks up a flower vase from the table and hits Daniel on his head with it] [Daniel is upset] [Cut to the backyard of the house. Aunt Pinky is building the car]

Daniel: Hmm, are you sure that goes there?

Aunt Pinky: [Cut to aunt Pinky] Pretty sure. It is the steering wheel after all.

Kenny: [Cut to Kenny walking in] What do you call that piece of junk?

Aunt Pinky: We call it first place winner. [Daniel acts proud]

Kenny: Well it looks like a fucking piece of junk.

Aunt Pinky: [Cut to aunt Pinky. She stands up] Oh yeah? Hey, Daniel, hop in. Let’s show him what we’ve got. [Cut to everybody.

Daniel: You got it. [Daniel gets in the car]

Aunt Pinky: Ready, set, go. [As soon as aunt Pinky pushes the car, the front wheel of the car breaks] [ Kenny laughs out loud]

Kenny: [Cut to Kenny] What you got is no chance. Bye girls. [Kenny picks up the flower pot on the floor and hits Daniels head with his helmet on with it] [Daniel is upset] [Cut to aunt Pinky and Daniel. Aunt Pinky is checking the car]

Aunt Pinky: Hmm, I think I found the problem. [Cut to aunt Pinky] I can fix this in no time.

Daniel: [Cut to Daniel] No, don’t fix anything. Let’s just forget about the race.

Aunt Pinky: [Cut to aunt Pinky] Are you upset about the wheel?

Daniel: I’m not upset. [Cut to aunt Pinky and Daniel] I just changed my mind. I’m the kid. It happens. [Daniel picks up a doll and gives it to his aunt] Here, play with this. [Daniel storms inside the house with anger. Aunt is hurt.] [Cut to aunt Pinky working on the car. Daniel opens the door and steps out]

Daniel: Aunt Pinky, you’re still working on the car?

Aunt Pinky: [Cut to aunt Pinky] Yeah, it’s my passion. [Aunt Pinky stands up] So, why did you quit?

Daniel: Because Kenny said Girls can’t build cars.

Aunt Pinky: That’s wrong. Girls can do anything boys can do.

Daniel: [Cut to Daniel] Oh, I didn’t know that. Hey aunt Pinky, can I unquit?

Aunt Pinky: Sure. Grab a paintbrush. [Cut to aunt Pinky] We have a race to win.

Race Announcer: Welcome to the annual Downhill Derby.

[Cut to Kenny on his car acting over-confident]

Kenny: Well, if it isn’t my next victim. Your car looks like garbage.

Daniel: Fuck you [Cut to Daniel] you fucking piece of shit.

Kenny: [Cut to Kenny] I wish my dad was here.

Aunt Pinky: [Cut to aunt Pinky, with race flags on her both hands] Ready, set, [Kenny and Daniel get ready to race] go.

Race Announcer: And they’re off. [A black man and an Asian woman are cheering for the race] [As Kenny and Daniel race, Kenny’s car gets on fire.]

Aunt Pinky: Go, go, go. [Cheering for Daniel] [Kenny is running. He’s on fire.]

Kenny: I’m on fire.

Race Announcer: And Daniel wins.

[Daniel crosses the finish line]

Aunt Pinky: [Cut to aunt Pinky cheering] You did it.

[Kenny is still on fire and running here and there] [Daniel stands on his car proudly]

Daniel: Wow, I did it. I did it. [Aunt Pinky comes to Daniel][Cut to Aunt Pinky and Daniel]Boys rule.

Aunt Pinky: Wait, no that’s—[Cut to the outro of the show]

Claire Foy Unveils Her Real Accent | Season 44 Episode 7

[Claire Foy, Anderson Paak and Cecily Strong are on SNL stage]

Claire Foy: Hello. I am Claire Foy and I am hosting SNL with musical guest, Anderson Paak.

Cecily Strong: Gorgeous accent. Chicago?

Claire Foy: Nope. Britain.

Cecily Strong: I’m from Chicago. That’s a Chicago accent.

Claire Foy: No, I’m from Britain. Home of Da Queen.

Anderson Paak and Cecily Strong: Da Queen!

[Retake]

Claire Foy: Hello, I am Claire Foy and I am hosting SNL with Anderson Paak.

Cecily Strong: Well, so you’re British. I see you have so many different accents. So I just wasn’t sure.

Claire Foy: Yeah. No, I’ve changed my accent so many times but I think this is my real voice.

Anderson Paak: Where are you from originally?

Claire Foy: Kansas city, Missouri.

Claire Foy Takes on Pete Davidson in an SNL Tradition | Season 44 Episode 7

[Pete and Clair are walking on the SNL stage]

Pete Davidson: You’re going to be up there Saturday?

Clair Foy: Oh, I can’t wait. [Cut to Clair] I’m so excited to host it.

Pete Davidson: Well, [Cut to Pete] before I finish the tour there is an SNL tradition that we have to do with every host. So–

Clair Foy: [Cut to Pete and Clair] What is it?

[Pete and Clair start having food fight in slow motion, having fun]

[music]

Heidi Gardner: Hey, [Heidi comes to the stage] what are you doing?

[Cut to Clair and Pete. Clair looks at Pete and says–]

Clair Foy: It’s an SNL tradition.

[Cut to Heidi, she is looking at all the mess]

Heidi Gardner: What tradition?

Pete Davidson: Alright. [Cut to Clair and Pete] I just wanted to have a food fight like in the movie.

Heidi Gardner: [Cut to Heidi] Well, that’s my lunch.

Clair Foy: [Cut to Clair and Pete. Clair is looking at all the food on the floor] All of this is your lunch?

Heidi Gardner: Yeah. So [Cut to Heidi] you owe me $413.

Pete Davidson: [Cut to Clair and Pete] Pay the woman.

[Music]

Claire Foy | Season 44 Episode 7

[Band playing music on Saturday Night Live stage]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen—Claire Foy.

[The door opens. Claire Foy walks to the stage.][Cut to audience cheering][Cut to Claire Foy]

Claire Foy: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! It’s such an honor to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live.” Or as we call it in England, Sunday Morning. It’s wonderful to be here in New York because England is in little bit of a crisis with the whole Brexit thing. But how are things going here, they’re good?

It’s actually a relief to be in a country that is more chaotic than Britain. It’s sort of like when you’re at a party and you’re drunk and you see someone who’s much drunker than you are. I feel so lucky to be here, I really do. Especially since I’m not from here. I am a foreigner. And I know, but please don’t panic, I promise I’m only here taking the jobs that Americans don’t want. For example in the film I did “First Man” I had to play Ryan Gosling’s wife. Because nobody else wanted to do it so I had to.

Most people know me from my role in “The crown”, as Queen Elizabeth II. [Cheers and applause] One of the questions-– one of the questions I get asked the most is whether I have ever actually met the queen. And the truth is, I have. This is a real story. I was invited to an event at Buckingham palace, the real one. And I was waiting in line to meet the queen. And a million questions are running through my mind. What will the queen say to me? How will I respond? And then it happened, I shook the queen’s hand and she smiled at me and she said, absolutely nothing about “The crown”. Not a single word. Of course, this was three years before I did “The crown”, but still.

I have been fortunate to portray many strong women of history, and I’m so glad we have even more women getting involved in politics, even more women getting elected and even more women leading our countries. [Cheers and applause] So hopefully I can get even more roles. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Anderson Paak is here. So stick around. Because we’ll be right back!

Charlie’s Grandparents | Season 44 Episode 7

Charlie Bucket… Claire Foy

Mom… Kate McKinnon

Grandma Josephine… Heidi Gardner

Grandpa Joe…Pete Davidson

Grandpa George… Kyle Mooney

Grandma Georgina… Aidy Bryant

[AMC intro playing]

Narrator: You’re watching AMC, where “X-Men” is a Christmas movie. We now return to the 1971 classic, “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

[Cut to small cottage house at night] [Cut to inside the house. Grandma Josephine, Grandpa Joe, Grandpa George, and Grandma Georgina in the same bed and mom is speaking to them]

Mom: Is your supper okay grandma Josephine?

Grandma Josephine: Warm water with Lumps, my favorite.

Mom: We also have bread. And for dessert, the memory of bread.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe]

Grandpa Joe: Are we really this poor?

Mom: [Cut to Mom, Grandma Josephine, and Grandpa Joe]

Well, grandpa Joe, our last name is bucket, and four of you have no working legs. But look at Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina. You guys need anything?

[Cut to Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina. They can’t speak, so they grunt] [Cut to Mom, Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina]

Mom: Okay, I’m pretty worried about you two.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe. Charlie enters the room from the door]

Charlie: Hi, everyone! Charlie!

[Cut to everybody in the room]

Grandma Josephine: How was work, Charlie?

[Cut to Charlie and mom]

Charlie: Boss let me out early. I only had to work 14 hours. Here’s the money I made, mother. [Charlie passes one coin]

Mom: Oh, no, you save that for yourself, Charlie. Off, and buy a Wonka Bar. Now get to sleep. Cause you got to be back to work in two hours.

Charlie: Okay, good night, Grandpa Joe, Grandma Josephine.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe]

Grandpa Joe: Good night, Charlie. Good night Josephine. [Grandpa Joe kisses Grandma Josephine gently] [Cut to everybody in the room]

Charlie: Good night Grandpa George. Grandma Georgina.

[Cut to Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina. They can’t speak, so they just grunt. They first kiss gently. Then they start kissing more and not stop]

Mother, [Cut to Charlie, Mom, Grandpa George, and Grandma Georgina] are grandpa George and grandma Georgina okay?

Mom: Well, they’re just saying their good nights, Charlie. Now, why don’t you go over there, and stir that combination of cabbage and shirts until you fall asleep.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe]

Grandma Josephine: Okay, actually I’m a little worried about how they’re saying good night, and how long it’s going on for.

[Cut to everybody in the room. Grandpa George takes off his pants from the bed and throws it]

Grandpa Joe: Karen, I think we have a problem here.

Mom: Ignore it, Grandpa Joe. It will pass.

Grandpa Joe: There’s four of us in this bed.

[Cut to Charlie and Karen. Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina start moaning]

Charlie: Mother, what are grandpa George and grandma Georgina doing?

Mom: Well, they’re just stretching, Charlie. Their bones are very old. Now come over here and look out the window, and not at them while I sing you a song.

My darling cheer up Charlie

[Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina start grunting and moaning. The bed is shaking]

give me a smile what happened to that smile is used to know.

Grandpa Joe: [Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe. The bed is shaking. Grandpa George’s foot is on Granpa Joe’s face]

No! Oh, God! Hey, should you and I—

Grandma Josephine: you can’t and I won’t! Oh!

[Cut to Charlie and Karen]

Mom: Don’t you know your grin has always been my sunshine.

Grandma Josephine: [Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe] Oh God! Oh my god, I’m feeling everything!

[Cut to Charlie and Karen]

Mom: Let the sunshine show.

Grandma Josephine:  [Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe] Oh, my god, I have to get out of here!

Narrator: “Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory,” brought to you by Cialis.

[Cut to old hut house shaking at night]