Tag: Classics

Cinema Classics Gaslight

Reese De’What… Kenan Thomspon

Ingrid Bergman… Kate McKinnon

Charles Boyer… Will Forte

Angela Lansbury… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on TBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening, and welcome to Cinema Classics. Hi, I’m Reese De’What. If you’ve heard the phrase ‘gaslighting’, you probably know it means to manipulate someone into believing a false reality. But what you may not know is that the phrase originally comes from the 1944 film “Gaslight”, starring Ingrid Bergman as a woman whose husband makes her believe she’s going insane by slowly dimming the gas fueled lights around her and then denying it. Why does he do this? I do not know. And I’m bad at guessing. When my wife asked me to guess what she was making for dinner, and I said, “I don’t know, a mess?” Worst welcome home from prison ever. Hers. Let’s watch a scene from “Gaslight” now where Charles Boyer as the evil husband tries to make Bergman believe she’s insane.

[Cut to clip from the movie. Ingrid is playing Paula and Charles is playing her husband Gregory.]

Gregory: Paula, I’ve tried so hard to keep the fact that you have lost your mind a secret. But now I’m afraid all of London knows it.

Paula: Gregory, no. I’m not insane. Look, every night the gas lights, they go dimmer.

Gregory: No they don’t.

Paula: They don’t? Well, look. It’s just a tiny flame.

Gregory: Oh, my cuckoo darling. In the week and a half you’ve known me, have I ever lied to you?

Paula: I guess not. But human me. Turn the gas lights up as high as they’ll go. Please, for me.

Gregory: Alright. All the way up. [turns the light off] There you go.

Paula: And that was up? ‘Cause to me that seemed like not up.

Gregory: And I hope you’re happy, our gas bill is going to be insane. Just like your brain. And I’m afraid it’s membranous as well.

Paula: Oh no. I don’t know up from down. The next thing you’ll tell me is that this isn’t a book.

Gregory: No, Paula. That’s a rat.

Paula: It is? I’ve been reading rats all these years? Oh no, am I really that mad? I set a goal for myself a reading a rat a month.

Gregory: Paula, calm yourself and play with the puppy I gave you.

[Gregory gives Paula a rock.]

Paula: Okay.

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Yikes! You know, in my house gaslighting is when I strike a match after my wife blast went out under the blankets. Let’s watch another scene as Gregory drives Paula even further into delusion with the help of a surly maid, played by a Reese De’What8 year old Angela Lansbury.

[Cut to Paula and Gregory dining him their home. Angela Lansbury is playing the maid.]

Gregory: Oh, Gregory. Do you regret marrying a crazy cuckoo bird of a woman who belongs in a hotel for nuts?

Paula: Paula, please stop. Now, just try to enjoy your steak.

Maid: That’s right, mum. Eat your little steak.

[Maid gives Paula a pineapple]

Paula: Dude, I don’t care how crazy I am. This is a pineapple.

Maid: No, mum. It’s the rib, just like the one he’s eating. Dig in.

Paula: Okay, I feel like maybe you’re like, trying to drive me mad.

Gregory: No one is trying to drive you mad. What do you want me to do? [pulls out a book] Swear on this Bible?

Paula: Okay, so now– Okay, so this says “How to gaslight your wife by Gregory”. [That’s the title of that book]

Gregory: Paula, stop. I love you.

Paula: Well, I don’t feel love. You don’t even kiss me anymore.

Gregory: Then kiss you I shall.

[Gregory stands and goes up to Maid and kisses her]

Paula: Okay, yeah, appreciate you kiss her, the Reese De’What8 year old.

Gregory: No, I kissed you. Watch, I’ll do it again.

Paula: No, no. I won’t let you gaslight me any longer. In fact, maybe I’ll gaslight you. That shiny tie you’re wearing, it’s a steak. Ha-ha.

Gregory: It’s a tie.

Paula: Oh, dammit. I guess I’m better at it. Well, at least I know the truth now. I can’t believe you told me it was nine inches and I said oh lucky me.

Gregory: It is!

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Wow. So now we know what gaslighting is. Kinda like when my wife– What? She’s on the phone? Right now? Oh, that’s not good. For Cinema Classics. I have been Reese De’What?

Cinema Classics- The Birds

Reese D’eWhat… Kenan Thompson

Tippi Hedren … Kate McKinnon

McCafferty… John Mulaney

[Starts with Cinema Classic intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classic on PBS.

[Cut to Reese D’eWhat in his set. He is wearing a vampire costume.]

Reese D’eWhat: Good Hallo’s eve to you. I am Reese De’What. And De’What’s that behind you? I am just kidding. Tonight, we take a look at Alfred Hitchcocks Reese 1963 horror thriller, “The Birds”, starring Tippi Hedren as a woman menaced by birds for reasons that are never explained. Why did Hitchcock not clarify what the birds were up to? I do not know. I am a bad guesser. Just ask my wife who asked me to guess what she was going to be for Halloween and I said, “I don’t know. Drunk on rum?” Worst double bubble bath ever! Let’s look at our recently unearthed alternate scene in which Hitchcock tries to really spell out what’s going on with the birds. Here we go.

[Cut to the scene from the movie. The birds are just flying all over the place. Tippi Hedren runs into a telephone booth scared.]

Tippi Hedren: Oh my god. [panting] Oh. [Tippi Hedren calls the police station] Operator, get to the sheriff.

[Cut to McCafferty in his office]

McCafferty: This is sheriff McCafferty. What’s the emergency?

Tippi Hedren: [panting] Birds.

McCafferty: I’m sorry. Did you just kind of gently whisper the words “Birds”? What does that mean?

Tippi Hedren: It means birds. The flappy, flappy things. They’re trying to kill everybody. [a birds hits the telephone booth and dies there] [scared] Ah! You got to do something, please. These birds, they’re the jerk of the year.

McCafferty: Has anyone said like, “Shew, get out of here, bird!”, like, with a hand wave?

Tippi Hedren: No. No. There’s too many and they’re too mean.

McCafferty: Okay. So, these are birds of prey? Like, a hawk or and eagle?

Tippi Hedren: No. They’re seagulls. You know, the little guys that eat french fries at the beach. Oh, no, look. [Cut to a gas station on fire] They set fire to the gas station.

McCafferty: How?

Tippi Hedren: Sir. I cannot explain.

McCafferty: No, no, no. You just said that a bird set fire to a gas station. So, you need to explain that to me.

Tippi Hedren: Maybe the bird took a cigarette from someone and then like, flapped it into the gas box. I don’t know. [someone else gets hit on the phone booth being attacked by the birds]

McCafferty: Now what’s happening?

Tippi Hedren: The birds. They just birded a man to death. Oh no, one of the birds found a glass cutter. [a bird’s foot is holding a glass cutter and cuts the phone booth glass in circle.] No, please. It’s got a knife. [a bird’s foot is holding a knife. It’s trying to reach Tippi Hedren through the hole but can’t.] Please do something. The birds weren’t raised right.

McCafferty: Ma’am, you are hysterical. There is no way this is happening all because of a bunch of no good– [now, a bird’s foot is holding a gun on McCafferty’s head] Ahem! I have to call you back. [McCafferty hangs up the phone]

[Cut back to Reese D’eWhat]

Reese D’eWhat: I mean, right? Wow! I got to tell you though, test audiences positively hated this new version. Almost as much as my wife hates vacuuming. You know what? I’m sorry. That is not fair. She is a good woman. Still worry that audiences would not be scared enough by birds, Hitchcock filmed yet another version of the scene adding even more sources of potential terror. Let’s watch.

[Cut to the movie’s clip. Now, Tippi Hedren and McCafferty both are in the phone booth.]

Tippi Hedren: Well, thank god you came. These are the birds that are doing it all.

McCafferty: I am very sorry I doubted you. The birds are trying to be very mean.

Tippi Hedren: Oh, no. What’s that one doing? [a bird puts it’s butt inside through the glass cut hole.] It’s mourning us. [the bird then lays an egg]

McCafferty: An egg? It’s trying to be nice. So we have breakfast.

Tippi Hedren: No. They’re trying to make more birds!

McCafferty: Okay. That’s it. I’m gonna start shooting my gun off in here and see what happens.

Tippi Hedren: No. You dummy, you’ll kill us. And it’s too late. The birds have picked up turtles to use as a battering rams.

McCafferty: Oh my god. They entered phase two of their plan. They’re putting the turtles on people like hats.

Tippi Hedren: And squeezing people’s heads until they die.

[A man gets hit on the phone booth being attacked by the birds]

McCafferty: We’re on the phone! We’re on the phone!

Tippi Hedren: Oh, no. The turtles have now picked up sandwiches.

[They’re getting hit by the sandwiches]

McCafferty: I get it. The turtles are bullying the sandwiches like the birds bullied the turtles. It’s a cycle.

Tippi Hedren: And now the turtles have learned to fly without the help of the birds.

McCafferty: As have the sandwiches.

Tippi Hedren: Is this a lesson about man’s lack of respect for nature?

McCafferty: Oh, I don’t know. Dammit, I don’t know. Just kiss me.

Tippi Hedren: What? No. That’s not this.

[Cut back to Reese D’eWhat]

Reese D’eWhat: Ultimately, this alternate scene was scrapped after an assistant editor pointed out that it had added over a day to the film’s total running time. Happy Halloween, everyone. For cinema Classics, I have been Reese De’What.