Classified Press Conference Cold Open

Merrick Garland… Mikey Day

Conrad Nance… Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Criminals beware. There’s a new sheriff in town, and he means business. First, he hunted down that January 6 insurrectionists and made them pay. Now he’s searching for classified documents, and he’s coming for who ever have them. Democrat, Republican, or whatever Trump is now. And you don’t want to be in his crosshairs. He’s Attorney General, Merrick Garland.

[Cut to Merrick Garland]

Merrick Garland: Hello. I am Merrick Garland. I may look like I was born in a library, but there’s something you should know. [he shakes his head making whipping sound] Merrick Garland don’t play. [again he shakes his head making whipping sound] As you may have heard, classified documents have been found in the homes of President Biden and former Vice President Pence whose lawyers are cooperating. And also at the home of former President Trump, whose lawyer put a horse head in my bed. Some have said the federal government classifies too many documents, about 50 million a year. This has led people to ask, “Does recovering these documents even matter?” To which I say “I don’t know. But it’s the law.” [he shakes his head making whipping sound] And I am the law.

To enforce the law, I sent teams to search the homes of several recent Presidents and Vice Presidents. Starting with Mike Pence, Special Agent Conrad Nance will brief you on what we discovered.

Conrad Nance: Right, thank you very much. Upon arriving at Mr. Pence’s Indiana home I knew right away, this man needed a friend. When he opened the door he said “You came!”, with a big smile and he offered to make us pancakes. Our search turned up no additional classified documents. However, in an envelope marked “TAXSTUFF”, we discovered photographs of the country pop singer Shania Twain, cut out from several magazines. When confronted with this, Mr. Pence said “I’m sorry, I’m disgusting.” Then we informed Mr. Pence that we were done and we had to leave. He said, “How can you leave when you’re it?” And then tagged me on the shoulder and ran away. Hoping that I would chase after him and play tag. Which I did not. I will say though that if you know Mr. Pence, if you’re friends with them, check on your people. That’s all.

Merrick Garland: All right. Thank you, agent Nance. Next Special Agent Casey Combs will discuss if there were any classified documents at Vide President Kamala Harris’s home.

Casey Combs: Come on now. Joe Biden won’t even give this woman a pin. You think she has classified documents? Please Kamala Harris with classified documents?

Merrick Garland: Well, we had to at least check. Thank you, agent combs. Finally, we searched former President Barack Obama’s home. Special Agent Derek K. will discuss what we found.

Derek K.: Thank you. Yeah, I don’t mean to brag, but I was in Barack Obama’s house. But no big deal, but it was really fun. Mr. Obama opened the door and said, “Are you selling girl scout cookies?” Which is totally cracking up. Like, completely dead. We then entered the home and were shown a number of things including 175 letters from Lin Manuel Miranda begging the president to attend a performance of Hamilton. Obama like read one as Lin Manuel, he was like, “Dear Mr. President, the resume-”  I’m not doing it as funny as he did. It was so fun. Anyway, we asked him about classified documents and he said he was “Out of the government game” and “Doing the Hollywood thing now.” But then Beyonce called him on his cell phone, and he ignored it. So yeah, just liike really cool fun time.

Merrick Garland: All right, there you have in America. If you have classified documents in your home, I have one question for you. Do you think this is a game? Who do you think you’re playing with?  [he shakes his head making whipping sound]  F around and find out!

Conrad Nance: Hey, boss, when we’re done playing with the little papers, we’re gonna head down to Memphis and make sure justice is served down there too right?

Merrick Garland: I sincerely hope so.

Conrad Nance: Yeah, you damn right. Just making sure.

Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update: Biden’s Classified Document Scandal, George Santos’ Lies

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of George Santos.]

George Santos is facing multiple investigations for lying about nearly every aspect of his life, to make himself appear far more successful than he is, earning him the nickname Instagram. Of all of George Sanders’s lies, my favorite was that he was a standout volleyball player for Baruch College. Now, that is a fine thing to be, but an insane thing to pretend to be. Like that’s his fantasy? It’s like asking a kid what do they want to be when they grow up and they’re like, “I don’t know assistant manager at Kohl’s.”

[Picture changes to George Santos with two dogs.]

George Santos seen here with two people he listed as professional references, was described by fashion expert as being able to get away with his lies for so long because he was well dressed. This guy is well dressed? He looks like he’s trying to steal clothes by putting them on over what he wore into the store. And not to be a bitch, but can we talk about this look? I mean a blazer over a half zip? Girl not in my yacht party.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of George Santos.]

Michael Che: A drag queen who claims she performed with George Santos said that George did not have the glamour to be a professional. But she said another drag queen and Congress is absolutely slaying as the character Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden.]

Earlier today, earlier today the FBI searched President Biden’s Delaware home and found six additional Obama era classified documents. Worse, one of them was Obama’s real birth certificate. It was hidden in a copy of blacktail magazine.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Joe Biden and Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: The Biden classified documents scandal and the Trump classified documents scandal are very different, but they do share one big thing in common. They both make Hillary Clinton want to blow her god damn brains out. It would have been so funny if they searched Biden’s garage and he had Hillary server.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis.]

Michael Che: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has proposed a new policy permanently banning mask mandates and vaccine requirements saying when the world lost its mind, Florida was a refuge of sanity. Then everyone in the crowd took a hit at nitrous and bitter cop.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump responded to reports that Ron DeSantis will run against him for the republican nomination saying “We’ll handle this the way I handle things.” So rough and without consent?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There.s a picture of US Capitol.]

Colin Jost: The US government hit its debt limit on Thursday and the country now risks defaulting on its bills. And look, we’ve all been there. You know? You spend too much because life’s too short and the bill comes due, the bank won’t loan your money anymore. Then you have no choice you have to buckle down, face the music and blow up your Staten Island Ferry for insurance money.