Weekend Update- Goober the Clown on Abortion

Colin Jost

Goober the clown… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Supreme Court heard arguments this week in women’s whole health v. Texas about the controversial Texas law that essentially bans all abortions after just six weeks. Here to cheer us up… Well, this can’t be right, Goober, the clown who had an abortion when she was 23.

[Goober the clown slides in]

Goober the clown: Hey, hey. I’m Goober the clown.

Colin Jost: So goober, you had an abortion when you were 23?

Goober the clown: Whoa, slow down. I’m a clown. Let’s clown around. Hey, smell this flower. [There’s a slower on her chest pocket]

Colin Jost: You’re not gonna squirt me, are you?

Goober the clown: Oh, I would never.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay!

[as Colin Jost tries to smell the flower, Goober the clown squirts on him]

Goober the clown: Oh, gotcha. I had an abortion the day before my 23rd birthday. [She’s still squirting water on him]

Colin Jost: Okay. It seems like you do want to talk about your abortion.

Goober the clown: Well, actually, I really don’t. But people keep bringing it up. So, I gotta keep talking about freaking abortion. But it’s a rough subject, so we’re gonna do fun clown stuff to make it more palatable. Whee! [Her bow tie is spinning] Hey, who wants some balloon animal? You want a giraffe? Che?

Colin Jost: You don’t have to do this, Cecily.

Goober the clown: Who’s Cecily? I’m Goober. And I wish I didn’t have to do this because the abortion I had at 23 is my personal clown business. But that’s all some people in this country want to discuss all the time. Even though cloud abortion was legalized in Clown V. Wade in Colin Jost973. Here. [Passes the balloon. It doesn’t look like animal at all.]

Colin Jost: Can you stop saying clown abortion? And what is this? [showing the balloon]

Goober the clown: It’s a worm. I don’t know. Hey, did you know one in three clowns will have a clown abortion in their lifetime? You don’t because they don’t tell you. They don’t even know how to talk to other clowns about it. Because when they do talk about it, if you were a clown who wasn’t the victim of something sad like clown says, they think your clown abortion wasn’t a righteous clown abortion. I mean what the dick is that?

Colin Jost: I don’t think you can say that word on the show.

Goober the clown: What? Abortion?

Colin Jost: Well, I guess kind of.

Goober the clown: You know it’s sunny Colin. We’re having fun. Just laugh. Hey, pull my finger.

Colin Jost: No.

Goober the clown: Laugh. I need it. I need you to laugh so hard like the way I laughed when the doctor asked if I got pregnant on the way over to the clinic because I wasn’t very far along. And that is one of my favorite jokes to this day. I love that joke. It’s such a good joke. Not like a funny haha joke. But like a funny you’re not an awful person and your life isn’t over now joke. The best kind. A honka honka!

Colin Jost: Good horn.

Goober the clown: Whoo! I’m not a clown. And in the waiting room, they had a little guestbook where all the clowns could write the clown abortion story for the next clown to read it so she wouldn’t feel so alone. And then years later you’ll be at a dinner with a big group of clowns, one clown will go out on a limb and say she’s had an abortion and then like eight other clowns at the table say they’ve had an abortion too because that’s how common it is. And then everyone’s excited and relieved we talking about it. But it’s like, “Wow, we kept this secret for so long despite being so grateful it happened.” Honka honka!

Colin Jost: So, wait. Are clowns women?

Goober the clown: Excuse me? Wow. Okay, Colin Jost thinks women are clowns. Cool.

Colin Jost: That’s not what I said.

Goober the clown: Let me do some helium. Okay, Colin. Here’s my truth. [takes helium off of balloon and stars speaking in squeaky voice] I know I wouldn’t be a clown on TV here today if it weren’t for the abortion I had the day before my 23rd birthday. Clowns have been helping each other in their pregnancy since the caves. It’s gonna happen, so ought to be safe, legal and accessible. We will not go back to the alley. I mean last thing anyone wants is a bunch of dead clowns in a dark alley.

Colin Jost: Goober the clown, everyone.

Goober the clown: Y’all better disable comments in this one.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Birthday Clown

Clown… Bobby Moynihan

Ernie… Louis C.K.

[Starts with a man opening door. There’s a clown outside.]

Clown: Hey, I’m Seth. I’m the birthday clown. Sorry, I came early.

Ernie: That’s okay. [gesturing to come in] [Clown walks in with his box] Did you find parking okay?

Clown: I took an Uber.

Ernie: Dressed like this?

Clown: Yeah, it’s part of the job. I’m used to it.
Ernie: Oh, well, set up right here.

[Cut to Clown setting up. Ernie walks in with a can of soda]

You gotta get a better defense, man.

Clown: Oh, yeah. It has been a good season though, altogether. You know? So, where is the birthday boy? Little Ernie, right?

Ernie: Oh, it’s me.

[Ernie sits on a sofa alone to watch Clown]

Clown: Come again?

Ernie: Um, I’m Ernie. It’s my birthday.

[Clown is looking around]

Clown: So– do you want– should we wait for everyone to show up?

Ernie: No, it’s just me. [opens his can of soda] Whenever you’re ready.

Clown: I’m sorry. Before I start, I’m wondering why–

Ernie: Just start the show, man. I gotta take my mind off some stuff.

Clown: Yeah. Okay. Sure. Yeah. [Clown walks behind the curtains] I’m just gonna do it.

[Clown turns on the funky kid’s music] [Clown is using sock puppet as a bird speaking. He is still behind the curtains. The puppet is outside.]

Female voice: Hey, kids, are you ready for Dodo the clown?

Ernie: Uh-huh.

Female voice: I can’t hear you.

Ernie: Yeah. I’m ready.

Female voice: Now, here comes the Dodo!

[Clown comes out on a baby cycle blowing the horn]

Ernie: It’s good.

Clown: Hey, kids. Do you remember my name?

Ernie: Dodo.

Clown: And what’s your name, birthday boy?

Ernie: Ernie Sullivan.

Clown: And how old are you turning today?

Ernie: I’m 53.

Clown: Jesus! What’s your favorite color?

Ernie: Um, I don’t know. [Clown waiting for the answer] I don’t know. [Clown still waiting for the answer]

Clown: Okay. Um, boy, I sure am hungry. I hope I got a snack! [pulls out a bottle out of his pocket] Bleh! Ha-ha-ha. [opens the bottle, and a toy snake jumps out of the bottle] Hey! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Ernie: That’s pretty funny. [pulls out some money and gives it to Clown] Here you go.

Clown: Are you giving me a tip?

Ernie: Yeah, you want me to wait until after?

Clown: Yeah, no– I don’t– there’s no protocol for whatever this is.

Ernie: Sorry. I’ll wait. Go ahead.

[Clown starts pulling out thread out of his mouth]

Ernie: Excuse me. [Ernie walks away. Clown is confused as he doesn’t know what to do.]

Clown: You want me to stop and wait?

[Ernie peeks out of the toilet]

Ernie: No, I can see from here. Keep going.

[Clown is still pulling the color thread out of his mouth.] [doorbell rings]

Hey, can you get that?

[Clown opens the door. There’s Disney’s Elsa and a robot.]

Elsa: We are here for little Ernie’s birthday party.

Clown: You don’t want this.

[Clown shuts the door. Ernie is standing just behind him.] [looking at Ernie] They got to go. I think I should go too.

Ernie: Yeah, man. Listen. I’m sorry. I tried to do something different for my birthday. I guess it got weird.

Clown: No, no. It’s okay. It was fine. Happy birthday.

Ernie: Thank you. Hey, can you come into my kitchen for a minute?

Clown: Yeah, what’s up?

Ernie: I’m going to chop you up in little pieces and put you in the fridge.

Clown: Yeah, that seems about right.