Deirdre… Aidy Bryant
Cookie… Ego Nwodim
Clyde… Daniel Craig
Heidi Gardner
Kenan Thompson
[Starts with “The Deirdre Show” intro] [Cut to Deirdre]Deirdre: Welcome back to “The Deidre Show.” My guest co-host today is a legendary diva of song. She’s got dozens of hit records like, “Oh, that man,” and “Let me tell you ’bout Christmas.” And she is back in the news because she hit a train with a car. Please welcome Cookie La Flute.
[Cookie walks in] [cheers and applause]Cookie: Hello, Deirdre.
Deirdre: Oh, Cookie, we are so glad to have you back. Isn’t that right, audience?
[Cut to the audience]Kenan: Yes.
Heidi: We love you, Cookie.
Kenan: Go, Cookie.
[Cut to the set]Cookie: Oh, thank you. You know, it’s like I always say, “Where am I, who are you, the pleasure’s all your’s.”
Deirdre: Wonderful. Well, as you know, this week is finger week on our show. And today, we’re gonna make some finger food. Sound good, Cookie?
Cookie: Oh, I’m starving. Let’s get to it.
Deirdre: Okay. Well, joining us today is a celebrity chef from London who’s gonna teach us how to make American appetizers. So, please welcome Chef Clyde.
[Chef Clyde is ready on his cooking table] [cheers and applause]Clyde: Hello. Hello.
[Deirdre and Cookie walk to Clyde]Cookie: Hello.
Clyde: I hope you’re hungry, but only a little coz today it’s all about hors d’oeuvres.
Cookie: Okay, now. That is French.
Deirdre: Yes, for hors d’oeuvres.
Clyde: That’s right. I’ve got tons of them in my new cookbook, “The Hungry Divorcee.” Now, we’re starting off with one of my favorites which is these little mini quiche here.
[Clyde gives them a tray of quiches.]Deirdre: Okay. These are so cute. Thank you.
Cookie: Ooh, I’ma eat this in one bite.
Clyde: Well, don’t eat the foil.
Cookie: [thinks for long] What?
Clyde: The aluminum foil on the– It just– Just don’t eat the foil. That’s–
Cookie: I don’t wanna eat the foil.
Clyde: Alright. That’s gonna make you choke.
Cookie: Don’t eat the foil? Who is this man?
Clyde: Ha-ha. So, the next thing I wanna talk about is guacamole.
Cookie: Look at this man. Look at this man. “Don’t eat the foil.” Are you all seeing this over here?
[Cut to the audience]Heidi: Yeah Cookie, we see it.
Kenan: Get him, Cookie.
[Cut to the set]Clyde: You know what Ms. La Flute, I’m sorry about the foil. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. I just didn’t want you to scratch your mouth, you know? You need it for singing, don’t you?
Cookie: I don’t eat foil. I don’t eat foil.
Deirdre: Okay, Chef Clyde, how about we slide on down to the next food?
Clyde: Yes. Cookie, I think you’re gonna love my pigs in a blanket.
Cookie: You know, I love pigs. And you know, I love me some blankets.
Clyde: Okay, great. So, that’s so easy to throw together–
Cookie: You know, I can’t get over this foil thing.
Clyde: Well, Cookie, I mean, you like mustard–
Cookie: “Don’t eat the foil.” Legends don’t eat foil, boo. What do I look like? Huh? What do I look like? Y’all, do I look like Bobo the Clown?
[Cut to the audience]Heidi: No, Cookie, you look hot.
Kenan: Kill him!
Deirdre: Okay. Chef Clyde, how about another food?
Clyde: Oh, good idea. Good idea. So, if you like eggs at room temperature, you’re gonna love these. Deviled eggs.
Deirdre: Oh, Cookie, let’s try one.
Cookie: Okay, sure. But sir, aren’t you scared?
Clyde: Scared of what?
Cookie: Aren’t you scared that I’m gonna eat the spoon? Tell me not to eat the spoon as if I’m not a famous singer. Pissing me off!
Clyde: I don’t think you’re gonna eat the spoon.
Cookie: You know your little foods. I’ve been famous for over 25 years. I eat big foods.
Clyde: I’m sure you eat very big foods.
Cookie: You know, once a year in November, I cook a big turkey and I invite over people I love have some. That’s how good I can sing.
Deirdre: And that sounds like Thanksgiving.
Clyde: Okay, well, before my time runs out, I just want to shout out to–
Cookie: You know, don’t nobody want your foil, okay? Tiny man with tiny food who can’t even sing. Give your guests a steak, you queer!
Deirdre: Oh! No, Cookie, no.
Cookie: I can say it. Please, I can say it. My husband is gay.
Deirdre: Okay. Okay. We’re gonna have to wrap this up. Audience, did we lose you?
[Cut to the audience]Heidi: Absolutely not.
Kenan: We love this.
Cookie: You know what? I wanna get the whole taste of this thing out of my mouth. [Clyde pulls out a gum] All your food looks disgusting.
[Clyde eats a whole stick of gum with the foil paper.]Clyde: Oh, you–
Deirdre: Did you–
Cookie: Why y’all looking at me like that? It’s just a gum. You know, shiny, tastes like coins, sparks when you chew it.
Deirdre: Okay, well that’s our show. Bye-bye.