Tag: Coach

Weekend Update Life Coach Kelly Party on Positive Thinking

Michael Che

Kelly Party… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: During the pandemic thousands of adults in the US have been dealing with mental health issues. Here to talk about the power of positive thinking is life coach Kelly Party.

[Kelly Party slides in dancing. The song I love it by Icona Pop is playing.]

Kelly Party: Yeah, SNL! “I don’t care, I love it!” That song is my bible.

Michael Che: Okay. Well, how are you doing, Kelly Party? So, what qualifies you to be a life coach?

Kelly Party: Well, I have a PhD in believing your dreams from Myself college. I’m here to change your life, Michael Che. So, have you met your goal?

Michael Che: What goal?

Kelly Party: The goal I decided you need to meet, Michael. Your mission is to dominate Update. I want you to take all the jokes so Colin Jost has none.

Michael Che: I don’t think I can do that, Kelly Party.

Kelly Party: Okay. So, you suck. Right off the bat, you’re blowing it. You know what I say to that?

Michael Che: What?

[Kelly Party signals to the sound team. The song I love it by Icona Pop starts playing.]

Kelly Party: I love it. That’s right. I don’t care. Michael Che sucks tonight and I love it.

Michael Che: Okay wait, Kelly Party, that doesn’t really help me because I do care and I don’t love that.

Kelly Party: Oh, you know my favorite thing about you, Michael? It’s your name. Michael Che. Re-arrange the letters, what does it spell?

Michael Che: I don’t know.

Kelly Party: It spells good, good, good, good guy.

Michael Che: There’s no ‘G’ in my name.

Kelly Party: Hey wardrobe! Wardrobe! Could we get this guy a handkerchief? Because he’s sweating the small stuff. Lorne, play my song.

[The song I love it by Icona Pop starts playing.]

I love it. Michael Che can’t spell. And you know what? I actually love it. I actually love it.

Michael Che: Listen. Kelly Party, you’re a life coach, right? You have to give me a technique that isn’t just a pop song.

Kelly Party: Okay. You want the Master Class, Michael. You want positivity? You want peace? Okay, I’m all about peace. Okay. And what did I say my favorite thing about you was?

Michael Che: I’m a good guy.

Kelly Party: A goo guy. [raises her index and pinky fingers] My Spider-man. You could save the world, Michael. Okay, let’s Spider-man, because get this, okay? What if Spider-man shot peace out of his webs instead of webs? If Spider-man shot peace out of his webs instead of webs, then we would have no bad guys. Spider-man would just shoot peace out of his webs instead of webs then we would have peace, guys. Then we wouldn’t have bad guys anymore, then we would have peace. You know what? I don’t know. Michael Che sucks. Play my song.

[The song I love it by Icona Pop starts playing.]

Michael Che: No, wait! Stop the music! Stop playing the– Kelly!

Kelly Party: What?

Michael Che: There’s no way I’m going to pay you hundreds of dollars–

Kelly Party: Thousands, Michael.

Michael Che: You charge thousands of dollars for this?

Kelly Party: Yes, I don’t care. I love it.

Michael Che: Honestly, I respect it. Lorn, play that sone again. [The song I love it by Icona Pop starts playing.] Kelly Party, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Accent Coach

Bowen Yang

Daniel Craig

Ryan Johnson… Mikey Day

Margie… Ego Nwodim

Pam… Aidy Bryant

Frankie… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Bowen informing Daniel Craig’s arrival to the directors.]

Bowen: Excuse me, Mr. Johnson. Daniel Craig is here for his session.

Ryan: Terrific. Send him in.

Bowen: Daniel, are you ready?

[Daniel Craig walks in]

Daniel: Alright, thank you so much. Hi, guys. How’s it going?

Ryan: There he is, the future detective Benoit Blank. You remember Margie and Pam. Our casting directors.

Daniel: Hi, how are you?

Pam: Hey, Daniel. We are so happy your’e joining the Knives Out family.

Margie: Yeah. We really scored with this whole cast.

Daniel: Yeah. I just can’t wait to start shooting.

Ryan: Great! Well, today we want to just focus on developing your character.

Pam: Yeah. Now, as you know, Detective Blank is a genteel souther sleuth. So, if possible, we’d like you to do a southern accent.

Daniel: Yeah. No problem. I’ve been recently working with this great accent coach. So, if it’s cool, can I bring him in real quick? [the directors nod their heads yes] Hey, Frankie. Let’s go. Come on, let’s go.

[Frankie walks in]

Frankie: Knock, knock. Ha-ha. Hello. I’m Franklin Huse. Daniel’s accent coach. I have to say, you are so lucky to be working with Dan. He’s a real pro.

Daniel: Oh, come on! You wanna talk about pro? Frankie here is a magician with dialects and accents.

Frankie: Sir, I blush. So, what are we cooking today again?

Ryan: Um, yeah. We just want Dan here to do a southern accent.

Frankie: Ah! My specialty. I’m a master of souther dialects. Is there a certain province you have in mind?

Margie: I guess we default to you.

Pam: Yeah. Whatever you think is in Dan’s range.

Frankie: Hmm… Well, why don’t we start with Ozarks of Arkansas? A banjo tinkies in the distance. As our study gentleman detective calls out- [speaking in loud, funny southern accent] “Hrrrr-boy! The moon churns are burning over. So, I’m about to go and eat a pig’s food and shoot my sister with a gun. Durr-durr.” Something like that maybe is what you’re looking for? That could be fun.

Ryan: Um, no. I think we want something maybe a little more shuttle.

Margie: Yeah. I mean, my husband’s from Arkansas and he doesn’t talk like that.

Frankie: Ah! Okay. Well, why don’t we take a little trip down to… [speaking in loud, funny southern accent] Alabama? [speaking in loud, funny southern accent] “Oh, they got some good turtles down there. Whoo, lord! You better get me a fan because this is hot. My butt is hot. Oh, lord! My butt is hot.” Does that work for you, Dan?

Daniel: Oh, yes. I think I like that. He can be like, [speaking in loud, funny southern accent] “Oh, lord. The big one [unintelligible] is so damn hot.”

Frankie: Dan, yes. That’s incredible. Yes, yes.

Daniel: Yes. What do you think, Ryan? Should we go with that?

Ryan: No. Um, yeah. I don’t think so.

Pam: Yeah. I’m sorry. Mr. Huse, where did you say you were from?

Frankie: Maryland.

Margie: And have you ever been to the south?

Frankie: No. But I have studied the region. Mainly through cartoons, Yosemite Sam, Fog Horn Leg Horn.

Ryan: Yeah. I’m sorry Mr. Huse, I think we’d just rather work with someone a little more knowledgeable.

Daniel: Oh, come on, Ryan. Cone on, you just give him a chance. Maybe, you know, we just haven’t found it yet.

Frankie: Yes. Like, maybe he’s a detective from [speaking in loud, funny southern accent] Georgia where their butt is so hot. “Boy my [unintelligible] big old butt is wet and hot.”

Daniel: I really like that one. Could you teach me that? Is that something you can do?

Frankie: Oh, yes. So, what you have to do is open your jaw and have a real loose like this here. Open it up with this exercise. [Frankie starts moving his jaw and making noise. Daniel is trying to copy him.]

Daniel: [moving his jaw] My butt is so hot.

Pam: Okay. I’m sorry. What’s with all of this hot butt talk?

Frankie: Well, that’s what they sound like. Remember, it’s very hot in in the south.

Daniel: Yeah. Everybody’s butt is hot in the south.

Frankie: I mean, my butt gets hot up north. Just imagine hot it would be down south.

Daniel: You’d steam your jeans.

Frankie: Exactly, Daniel.

Ryan: Um, let’s just read some lines and let Daniel find the voice himself.

Margie: And Frank, would you mind reading for Marta, the South American nurse?

Frankie: Oh, I see. She’s from the south, in America. Got it.

Ryan: Alright. Let’s do this. And action.

Daniel: [reading the script] Now, with much analysis of the facts, I’ve come to the conclusion as the perpetrator of this murder.

Frankie: [screaming funnily with accent] Well, now I say Mr. Blank. I don’t know damn dead about what happened to that man that died. [stops the accent] And I’m sorry. What does it say here?

Daniel: That’s says, “Marta pukes.”

Frankie: Okay. [while making puking sound, Frankie literally pukes.]

Pam: Oh, my god.

Margie: Jesus Christ!

Ryan: Come on, dude!

Frankie: What? It says in the script, Marta pukes.

Ryan: You can just puke on command?

Frankie: Of course, I can. I’m an actor. Daniel, can’t you?

Daniel: Yes, of course. [Daniel pukes too]

Margie: Oh, damn!

Pam: Come on, guys.

Ryan: How are you doing that?

Daniel and Frankie: Come on, we’re actors!

Basketball Scene

Director… Alex Moffat

Coach… Kenan Thompson

Robbie… Pete Davidson

[Starts with a basketball court there people are filming]

[The actors are getting ready. Director walks in.]

Director: Alright, fellas. This is my favorite scene in the film. Okay? Sort of the core of these character’s relationship.

Coach: Yeah. Like, the coach is becoming a father figure here?

Director: Absolutely. Alright, so, I’m gonna stay our of your way. Let the geniuses do their thing. Okay. Here we go, guys. [walking backwards] Hey, background, do me a flavor. Just play some ball, pass it, you know the drill. Alright, here we go, guys. Ready, background, action.

Male voice: Rolling sound. Rolling, rolling.

[gets back to his seat]

Director: And action.

[Cut to Robbie playing basketball with his friends. Coach walks in and looks at him.]

Coach: Hey, Robbie.

Robbie: Coach Stan. What are you doing here?

Coach: I came to see if everything was okay. We missed you at our tryouts today.

Robbie: I had some stuff I had to do.

[in the background, two guys are just passing the ball to each other lazily]

Coach: Look, Robbie, you’re good. You’re gonna have scouts lined up to give you a full right to the school. You’re just gonna throw that all away?

Robbie: What are you? My dad now?

Director: Cut! Sorry guys, stay in the zone. Hey, basketball players.

Mikey: What’s up?

Director: So, right now, your’e just sort of passing back and forth and it looks a little bit weird. Just play basketball, you know what I mean? Just dribble, pass, run some plays, okay?

Jimmy: Alright, sir.

Mikey: Thank you.

Director: [running back to his seat] Sorry guys. We’re taking it from the top. And action.

Robbie: Coach Stan.

Jimmy: Pass it up.

Robbie: What are you doing here?

Jimmy: Go get the ball.

Coach: I came to see if everything was okay. We missed you at tryouts today.

[Jimmy and Mikey are playing very loudly]

Robbie: I had some stuff I had to do.

Coach: Look, Robbie, you’re good.  [Jimmy and Mikey are playing very loudly] You will have scouts lined up and waiting to give you a full right to the school. You’re just going to throw that all away?

Robbie: Why are you doing this?

Coach: Because I believe in you. So much so that I set up a second day in tryout. This Friday, four PM.

Director: And cut. Hey, basketball dudes? Looking just a little sloppy right now. We asked about basketball experience.

Mikey: Oh, yes. Um, I took a sports movement class.

Jimmy: I was in the stage production of Basketball Diaries.

Director: Ah! Forget it. Never mind. It’s all good.

Jimmy: Thank you sir.

Mikey: Thank you.

Director: And we’re on and action!

Robbie: Why are you doing this?

Jimmy: Slam it! Pass her up!

[Jimmy falls down very hard at the background.]

Coach: I believed in you. So much so–

[The basketball players are hugging]

Director: Okay, guys, stop hugging, please.

[Cut to many short video cuts because the background basketball players are messing up the shooting.]

Director: I don’t know what that is but stop.

Mikey: Sir, the ball popped.

Director: I see. We’ll get it in post. Keep going guys. It’s all good.

[the background basketball players are hurting themselves getting hit by the ball]

Director: Alright, can we get a medic? Don’t look into the camera, pal! [Coach and Robbie are looking at the background basketball players angrily.] Keep going guys!

Coach: I’m here because I believe. I mean, so much so that I set up a second–

Director: Please don’t take your shoes off, guys.

[the background basketball players are fighting]

Guys, stop fighting! Background, hey, sorry. We will have to lose you. Sorry guys.

[Jimmy kicks the ball, and this time he scores it.]

Yeah, you guys are still fired!

Gym Class

Coach… Alec Baldwin

Max… Alex Moffat

Doug… Mikey Day

Sue… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Coach helping Max to do his sit-ups.]

Coach: Ten seconds left, Max. You’re not going to beat the school record at this pace.

Friends: Come on, Max. You can do it.

Max: Argh! [fails] I can’t do it.

Coach: Oh, sorry Max, good effort. Do we have any other challengers?

Doug: Um, I could try, coach. I know I’m not like a Max level athlete, but I’d like to try.

Coach: Now, that’s what I like to hear. Get down here, Doug. Big cheer for Doug. Let’s hear it.

Friends: Go Doug! You’re the man.

Coach: You call can learn a thing or two form Doug here. Stepping up to the plate by challenging yourself. Alright now, Doug, [holds Doug’s feet] don’t worry about the count. All of your focus should be on pushing your body to its limits.

Doug: I know, coach. I’m ready.

Coach: Okay. One minute on the clock, Sue.

Sue: Yeah.

Doug: And hey, coach, thanks for believing in me. Not just for this, but for everything.
Coach: You’re welcome, Doug. Let’s see if you can break the school record. Ready, set, go!

[Doug starts doing sit-ups but with ever sit-up he is farting loud]

Good pace. [he is farting even louder] Don’t slow down. You got this. Cheer him on, guys. Cheer him on.

Doug: I need a break!

Coach: No way, Doug. YOu’re not allowed to quit. Not when you’re this close. Push it! Power through!

[Doug starts doing sit-ups again, with long farts]

Three more.

Two more.

Last one.

My god, he did it! Doug broke the school record!

[The friends aren’t cheering as they’re disgusted]

Doug: Wow! I couldn’t have done it without you, coach.

Coach: Oh, now you’re going to be a legend in this school. I’m telling you. Hey, I bet you guys are never gonna forget the day, and you’ll tell everybody of the day you saw Doug do this here. Right?

Sue: We will literally never forget.

[school bell ringing]

Coach: Alright, good work today, everyone. Good work. [whispering to Doug] And I think you might have let out a little toot back there, Doug, but don’t worry. I don’t think any of the girls heard it.

The Karate Teen

Jeffy Lahart…. Mikey day

Sammy Knocks… John Cena

Referee… Alex Moffat

Coach… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with two kids at a karate match]

Announcer: Well, it’s almost over here at the San Fernando Karate Championship. Jeffy Lahart. taking his licks in the final round against defending champion and human freight train, Sammy Knocks of the Wolf Claw Dojo.

Referee: Fight!

[Sammy Knocks punches Jeffy Lahart and Jeffy Lahart falls]

Referee: Watch your knocks. Keep it legal.

Sammy Knocks: Ah! Sorry, I got dork on the floor. Yeah! Wolf Claw! This kid’s a virgin. Ha-ha-ha. That will teach you karate, yeah!

[As Jeffy Lahart struggles to get up, he sees his coach show him a coin.]

[Cut back to Jeffy Lahart’s memory where he is training hard with Coach]

Coach: Catch only the penny.

[Coach shows a handful of coins where one is a penny]

Jeffy Lahart: Okay.

[Coach gestures him to cover his eyes]

Mr. Johnson, that will be impossible. I won’t be able to see.

Coach: Listen to the wind.

[Jeffy Lahart covers his eyes]

[Coach throws all the coins. Jeffy Lahart successfully catches only the penny.]

Coach: I think you’r ready.

[Cut back to the championship. Jeffy Lahart gets back up.]

Sammy Knocks: After this, I’m going to have sex with that guy’s girlfriend. Aha- Yeah!

Announcer: And look at this. Jeffy Lahart back on his feat. I don’t know if he is brave or crazy.

Sammy Knocks: Bad move, dweeb.

[Sammy Knocks gets ready to fight. Jeffy Lahart covers his eyes with the bandana.]

What’s he doing?

[as Sammy Knocks punches Jeffy Lahart, he blocks it]

What the butt?

[Sammy Knocks punches again, and Jeffy Lahart blocks it agian]

How the hell is he doing this?

[Jeffy Lahart does a different stance position]]

Jeffy Lahart: Listen … to … the wind.

[Sammy Knocks punches Jeffy Lahart on his stomach. Jeffy Lahart flies by through many walls behind him.]

Announcer: Oh, my god! Knocks punched Jeffy Lahart out of his pants and through four walls.

Sammy Knocks: Yeah, I just punched that kid through four walls.

Jeffy Lahart: Hey Knocks! [Jeffy Lahart trying to get back through the wall] Is that all you got?

Sammy Knocks: You got a death wish, dork?

[Jeffy Lahart is crawling back]

[coach is telling Jeffy Lahart not to do it]

Jeffy Lahart: I guess you don’t know about a warrior. Coz when a warrior gets knocked down, he–

[Sammy Knocks punches Jeffy Lahart again. This time, Jeffy Lahart flies to the parking lot and hits a car. The car breaks.]

Referee: Knocks.

Coach: I got a thing I got to get to.

[Coach leaves]

Announcer: Well, unless Jeffy Lahart can get back up from sailing through hsi fifth wall and a car door, this looks like another victory for Wolf Claw Dojo.

[Jeffy Lahart wakes up]

[Sammy Knocks walks in with a trophy. He is all dressed up already. Jeffy Lahart is still in his karate gee.]

Sammy Knocks: What the hell?

Jeffy Lahart: Oh, my god. How long have I been out here?

Sammy Knocks: What did you do to my car? You’re going to get it you little fart wipe!

Jeffy Lahart: Wait!

[Sammy Knocks punches Jeffy Lahart again and he black out]

Ronda Rousey Monologue

Ronda Rousey

Chad… Beck Bennett

Marc… Taran Killam

Coach… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Selena Gomez

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ronda Rousey.

[Ronda Rousey walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Ronda Rousey: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. And thank you for coming out even though there’s two feet of snow on the ground. They’ve closed Broadway. They’ve closed movie theatres. Even closed all the bars. Such a night, we’re literally the only show in town. I’m so excited to be here because its the first time I’ll be live on television without getting punched in the face. It’s also the first time I’m talking to my fans since I lost to Holly Holm in November which by the way was a fight Holly deserved to win. And I just want to take a minute to sincerely congratulate her. [a short applause by audience] That’s enough! All those who are worried that I’m not ready to host this show because I’ve been brain damaged, relax! I’m good. Besides, everything I need is on cue cards.

[Cut to cue card. The cue card says “Your name is Ronda Rousey.”]

But in all seriousness, I’m fine and tonight I’m ready to crush it.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks to the corner.]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Chad: And that’s the end of the first round of monologue.

Marc: Ronda Rousey is off to a great start, don’t you think Chad?

Chad: I do, Marc. She’s warm yet funny. I like her chances tonight.

Marc: I mean, look at the funk as she prepares for next round.

[Cut to Ronda Rousey and Coach. Coach his her coach.]

Coach: Okay Ronda Baby. The crowd is with you. Now it’s time to really get them to make some noise.

Ronda Rousey: How am I supposed to do that, coach?

Coach: Well, you got to throw out some applause line. You know, stuff that they really cheer for.

Ronda Rousey: Isn’t that kind of cheap?

Coach: Do you wanna win this monologue or not? Now get your butt out there.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

Ronda Rousey: Sorry buddy. How does it feel to be in New York city?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Coach nodding his head proudly.]

[Cut to Ronda Rousey]

And how about this, who here likes cake?

[audience whooping]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Marc: Oh! What a move going with cake.

Chad: Everybody loves cake Marc and Ronda knows that

Marc: Oh, looks like she’s getting ready for another joke.

[Cut to Ronda Rousey]

Ronda Rousey: So, what’s up with this wonder-storm, huh?

Chad: There’s the set up.

Ronda Rousey: I haven’t seen this many flakes since I joined tinder.

[Cut to Kyle in the audience looking sad]

Marc: Oh no. And a rare misstep for Ronda. Clearly some of our audience used Tinder.

Chad: That one took a lot out of her.

[Cut to Coach comforting Ronda Rousey]

Ronda Rousey: I don’t know. I don’t know if I can keep going coach. I’m so tired.

Coach: Well, you sleep there in Update. But right now, it’s time for a sure thing. Why don’t you hit them with a little bit of Kate McKinnon as Justin Bieber?

Ronda Rousey: But Justin Bieber isn’t even the news right now.

Coach: Don’t nobody care about that. Now go.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

[Kate McKinnon as Justin Bieber walks in]

Justin Bieber: Hey girl, you’re not the only one who’s got quick moves. Watch me.

[Justin Bieber is jumping around]

Try and pop me. I bet you can’t pop me.

[Ronda Rousey slaps Justin Bieber]

Ow! She hit me. And now I got a boo-boo girl.

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Chad: Wow, and Ronda’s back with an assist by Bieber.

Marc: You know Chad, she’s gonna be asking by self will she join the ranks of all time champions Steve Martin?

Chad: It all depends on this final round.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

What’s this? Can it be a song?

[music stars playing. SNL cast members join Ronda Rousey as back up dancers.]

Marc: Oh! Look at this. The cast is joining her in.

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Oh my god! They’ve even given the audience cake.

[Cut to Kyle eating cake and laughing at the audience.]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Unbelievable. I didn’t know that Ronda could sing, Chad!

[Cut to the stage]

Ronda Rousey: I can’t. Ladies and gentlemen, Selena Gomez.

[Selena Gomez walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Chad: Oh my god! What a move. And Ronda Rousey has won the monologue.

[UFC bell rings]

Selena Gomez: [singing] When you’re ready come and get it.

All: Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Selena Gomez: [singing] When you’re ready come and get it.

All:Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Ronda Rousey: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Selena Gomez is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Brother 2 Brother: Wrestling Match

Matty… Chris Hemsworth

Mark… Taran Killam

Coach… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Disney Channel intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Disney Channel. [A girl and a gold fish as her dad appears] Later, Trish flushes her dad down the toilet on the season finale of My Dad, The Fish. But first, it’s time for a brand new episode of ‘Brother 2 Brother’.

[Brother 2 brother intro]

Intro song: It’s Brother 2 Brother
who are there for each other
in every possible way-ay-ay
through thick and through thin
Akalama twin
to help you get through the day-ey
Okay!

[Cut to Matty and Marky in school. They are wearing identical clothes and have same blonde hair.]

Matty: Mark, there you are. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.

Marky: What’s going on, Matty? Everything, a-okay?

Matty: No, everything’s F-not okay. I have the big wrestling meet tonight and I’m nervous I’m gonna beef it.

Marky: But you’re the best wrestler in this state.

Matty: And the biggest worry word.

Matty and Marky: Oh, brothers!

Matty: I have an idea. Let’s switch places. You wrestle for me and in exchange I’ll do your chores for a whole week.

Marky: Um, even the dishes?

Matty: Of course!

Marky: Even giving daddy his massage?

Matty: I promise.

Marky: Then it’s a deal.

Matty and Marky: A twin deal.

[Cut to the wrestling coach giving prep talk to the wrestlers]

Coach: Alright team, focus up. The big wrestling meet is today and everything’s on the line. So, remember what I taught you. Don’t let them pin you, you’ve gotta pin them. Hey, wait! Where’s our star wrestler Matty?

[Marky runs in on wrestling outfit]

Marky: Here I am coach. I’m here ready to wrestle and win, coz I’m Matty, your star wrestler Matty. That’s me. [winks]

Coach: You’re not Matty. You’re Marky. Matty is like, may bigger and has way more muscles. And I wanna say he’s not as pale. Plus he has that hard deep ravine thing between his packs. You know, when you’re packs are so huge, you get that ravine. You don’t really have that. You just sort of have like hairy flatness up here.

[Marky is feeling embarrassed]

Marky: Well, looks like the jig is up.

Coach: Plus your arms are sort of hanging to your sides like that. Matty’s arms are much bigger and they’re pushed out coz of all muscles he has like, right here. [showing the back] You don’t really have muscles here. You just have like, soft clumps of skin.

Marky: Oh-oh! Looks like the jig–

Coach: Also, when Matty sweats [Marky looks very embarrassed] he gets like, be the sweat. It just sort of rolls slowly down his stomach. But I think your stomach just sort of gets wet in circle.

Marky: Yeah, I know.

[Cut to Kyle in the wrestling squad raising his hand]

Kyle: Coach! I have one.

Coach: Yea, great, go ahead Tommy.

Kyle: Ya, I noticed in the shower that Marky, you have like a thick coat of hair on your feet and Matty doesn’t have that.

[Cut to Marky and Coach]

Coach: You’re right. Good call. Matty’s feet are great. They actually look more like hands in your hand zoo.

Marky: No, that’s specific, coach. I guess–

[Cut to Pete in the wrestling squad raising his hand]

Pete: Also, Matty has a bigger and more muscular butt.

[Cut to Marky]

Marky: Okay!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: But like, your butt has a bigger, I wanna say, crack?

[Cut to Marky and Coach]

Marky: Yeah, that’s enough. I guess, the jig is up. Matty, come on out.

[Matty walks in. He’s also wearing the wrestling outfit.]

Matty: Hi coach. It’s me, the real Matty.

Coach: No doubt.

Matty: I’m sorry we lied. Lying is bad.

Coach: Just promise me you’ll never try this again.

Marky: We sure won’t. Because we learned our twin lesson.

Coach: No, no, I mean don’t try it again coz it won’t work. I mean, look at you. The two of you side by side right now, it’s insane. I mean, Marky, stand behind Matty I bet you’d completely disappear.

Marky: Oh, that’s okay coach. Coz we’ve both learned our twin lesson.

Coach: No, no, just do it. I wanna see it. You stand behind him like that.

[Marky stands behind Matty. He can’t be seen.]

[Cut to the wrestlers]

Kyle: Wow! We can’t even see him Marky.

Jon: You are so much smaller.

[Cut to Matty. Marky is standing behind him.]

Matty: What are you talking about? We’re

[Marky peeks out]

Matty and Marky: Identical twins.

Coach: Okay, yeah. But just look down for a second. You have that deep V thing going on. And you see, Marky, he just sort of has an O. You know? You see, it sort of looks like an O right here, big circle. Marky, I know you can’t be but you look like you’re 10-12 weeks pregnant right now.

Marky: Matty tried to kiss me last night.

Coach: What?

Matty: What?

[Cut to close shot of Marky]

Marky: He didn’t. I tried to kiss him… in his sleep. [sobbing]

[The video stops and credit appears]

[The End]

Robbie

Coach… Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

Riley… JJ Watt

Robby… Chris Redd

Mr. Philmore… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with coach prep-talking to the football players]

Coach: Gentlemen, this is the playoffs. Clubs in this not gonna–

[Coach realizes the players are not dressed for the game]

What the hell is going on? Why aren’t you all dressed?

Mikey: Some of us were talking coach, and we think Robbie should dress for the game.

[Robbie is sitting on the bench]

Coach: [laughing] You hit your head to hard in practice son? Robbie’s on the practice squad. This is the playoffs. Roster’s set. Now get dressed.

Mikey: This is Robbie’s dream, coach. [Robbie is looking happy] I know there’s no room in the rosters, so I want Robbie to take my spot.

[Mikey hands over his jersey to the coach]

[Alex walks up to Coach]

Alex: Robbie can have my spot too, coach.

[Alex hands over his jersey to the coach too]

Coach: This is what you want?

Alex: Yes, sir.

[Kyle hands over his jersey to the coach too]

Kyle: Robbie deserves it, coach.

Coach: And what about you, Riley?

[Riley stands up]

You want Robbie to take your spot?

Riley: [bleep] No! He [bleep] sucks at football. [Robbie is embarrassed] You guys want Robbie to play in a playoff game? That is crazy! We’re gonna [bleep] lose! He sucks ass! Have you seen him in practice?

[Cut to Robbie sucking at the practice games]

[Cut back to the locker room]

He is dog [shit]. I mean, [looking at Robbie] I’m sorry, Robbie, but you’re dog [bleep]. He’s dog [blee].

Mikey: Robbie’s got heart, Riley! [Robbie is looking happy again] It’s gotta count for something.

Riley: He’s [bleep] his pants in practice last week, Stevens. [Robbie is embarrassed] Again! I didn’t even want run at him and hit him this time. All I did was walk over to him and he crumpled into a little ball, he said, “No, no! Not again! It’s coming out. It’s coming.” I mean.

[Robbie had enough]

Robby: You know what? Maybe you don’t believe in Riley.

Riley: I definitely don’t.

Robby: Okay! But, a friend told me something that made me believe in myself. Right, Mr. Philmore?

[Mr. Philmore is a janitor. He is shaking his head.]

[Cut to Robby and Mr. Philmore in the past. Robby threw his helmet.]

Mr. Philmore: Yo! What? You mad you didn’t make the team? Huh? Well, listen here. You’re five foot nothing. A hundred and nothing. But damn, if you don’t got passion.

[Cut back to the locker room]

Robby: And he gave me the strength to keep going.

Mr. Philmore: Hold on, coz after that I said.

[Cut to Robby and Mr. Philmore in the past]

Mr. Philmore: Unfortunately, passion don’t mean nothing in this level. This is D-1, son and you’re just too tiny. You’re gonna get your ass stocked. Pan-caked, son!

[Cut back to the locker room]

Robby: Right! But you believed. And that’s what’s important.

Mr. Philmore: No, I’ma stop you right there. I said one more thing and it was…

[Cut to Robby and Mr. Philmore in the past]

Mr. Philmore: And who keep letting you in my office? Stop coming back here, man! It’s weird. We ain’t friends.

[Cut back to the locker room]

Mr. Philmore: That’s how that all went down.

Robby: Enough! Okay? Look, coach, you played here. Someone gave you a shot. That’s all I’m asking for. It’s a shot.

Riley: This is so [bleep] dumb! He doesn’t even know the plays, coach!

Robby: I know the playbook front to back. You call any play, I can run any route right now.

Coach: Alright, Robbie, if you get pass Riley, you can dress for the game.

Mikey: Go, Robbie!

[Robbie is happy and Riley can’t believe this.]

[Robby and Riley get ready]

Coach: Alright Robbie, let’s see what you got. Red 7, hud 7.

Robby: Different play, don’t know that one.

Coach: White right on 1!

Robby: Different play.

Coach: Jesus, Robbie. Blue 19 on 3.

Robby: Different play.

Coach: Slat 6 on 2.

Robby: Nope!

Mikey: I’m just gonna take my jersey back.

Coach: Red Devil, on 3.

Robby: Skip!

Coach: Robbie, Angel 6 on 2.

Robby: Got it! What was it though?

Coach: Robbie, Angel 6 on 2.

Robby: I got it, coach!

Coach: Hub, hub.

[Robby runs to Riley. Riley pushes Robby lightly and Robby gets slammed the lockers.]

Mr. Philmore: Dumb ass!

[Riley walks to Robby]

Riley: He’s alright. But I think he might have done another- you know. In his pants.

Robby: I almost did, but hailed it in.

Riley: No, he didn’t.

Coach: Well, that’s it. We got a football game to win, gentlemen!

[all the players cheer and follow the coach]

Cinema Classics Their Own League

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Coach… Taran Killam

Katty… Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Taraji P. Henson

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese D’What? The Natural, Field of Dreams, movie celebrating America’s past time have inspired and entertained audiences for decades. Sadly tonight’s film entitled, “Their Own League” is a forgotten example of the genre. Why is it forgotten? I do not know. This is not why I’m here. I’m not a good guesser. Ask my wife. She recently asked me to guess what she was going to do to me in bed. And I said, “I don’t know. Let me be.” Let us take a look at a scene from “Their Own League”.

[Cut to a scene from the movie]

[Cut to a coach yelling at his players. The players are females.]

Coach: You dang girls. How am I supposed to coach this team with nothing but a bunch of dang girls.

[Katty stands before Coach and wipes her tears]

Are you sobbing? There is no sobbing in baseball! This is pathetic. I’m gonna go drink Coca-cola that still has cocaine in it.

[Coach leaves. Cecily walks to Katty]

Cecily: Hey, don’t let him get you down, Katty. He’s just a big old bully.

Katty: Maybe he’s right. Maybe girls shouldn’t play baseball.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Of course he’s not right.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Yeah, we should be aloud.

Aidy: Yeah, we can play this game as well as any man.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Katty: You mean it?

Cecily: I sure do! Now say it! Women can play baseball.

Katty: Women can play baseball.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Women can play baseball.

Aidy: Women can play baseball.

[Taraji walks in. She is wearing very lady-like dress and a hat.]

Taraji: So, can I play baseball?

[Everyone looks at her not wanting to answer the question]

[Cut to Taraji]

What? What is it?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: It’s just–

Kate: We kind of already have the woman thing. You know? Don’t really want to complicate it.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: Oh, I get it. It’s coz I’m black.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: No, no. It’s not that.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: Then what is it?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: No, it’s that.

Katty: People are actually pretty ticked that we are doing it. Imagine if… you know it.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: I– I don’t know.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Darling, face it. It’s coz you’re not a classic beauty like the rest of us.

Aidy: No, no.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Katty: That’s not it.

Kate: Look, we’re gonna pave the way for black women in professional baseball. But it’s gonna take time.

Cecily: Yeah, yeah. Come on, you know the plan. Like, first white women are allowed to play baseball. Then black men are allowed to play. Then all women are allowed to play under hand with a big softball like a child.

[Cut to Bobby, Aidy and Taraji]

Bobby: Yeah. That’s a good plan.

[Leslie walks in. She is tall and looks more athletic.]

Leslie: What about me? Can I play?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: Oh, this blows coz we can really use her in our team.

[Cut to Bobby, Aidy, Taraji and Leslie]

Aidy: Yeah, forget about the team. We could use her in the war.

Bobby: Yeah, send her overseas to kill some crouts.

[Cut to Taraji and Leslie]

Leslie: So, You saying I could play?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Kate: Okay, okay. Here’s the thing. While our husbands are away, we are the racists.

[Cut to Taraji and Leslie

Taraji: Look, ladies. Whether you like it or not, black, white, we are all women. And we’re all in this together.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: hey, maybe she’s right, girls. Maybe they should be allowed to play.

[Cut to everybody]

Taraji: Really?

Cecily: Yeah!

Girls: Yeah!

[Coach walks in]

Coach: Alright! Listen up. I got some good news. The war’s over. The men are coming home, so get off the dang field and never come back!

[Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Sadly, Their Own League never made it to theaters as it was sued for copyright infringement by the makers of ‘A League Of Their Own’, which came out two years earlier. Youch! For Cinema Classics, I have been Reese D’What?

[The end]

Football Halftime Speech

Coach… Woody Harrelson

Taran Killam

Crandle… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with video clip of a football game]

Male voice: At the end of the first half, it’s Garrison 28 and Newton, 21.

[Cut to Newton’s locker room]

Coach: Get in here guys. Now, take a seat. We can win this. Where’s the defense? You all can’t tackle anybody.

Taran: It’s just, coach, it’s harder to tackle with the new rules.

[Cut to the coach.]

Coach: Oh, the new league wide concussion rules. That’s your excuse? Do we need to go over this again? [Cut to everybody] Okay. Fine. Crandle, come on. Get up here.

[Crandle walks in front]

[Cut to coach and Crandle]

Now, what is so hard about this? It’s the same tackle you fellas have always done. It’s just a little safer on the nugget. You see a man, right? That’s your target. Okay. So, we wanna plaque, arch that back, shoulders over feet guys, then engage. [coach holds Crandle. Crandle is feeling uncomfortable.] That brings him up. Then as he goes down, you cup the neck open up and down supporting him and lower him gently to the turf like a prince putting his princess to bed. Back of the head–

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Put your princess to bed.

Coach: Good! Now, as he’s going down, we’re gonna want to check handle them. Cran, are you feeling supported?

Crandle: I feel safe, coach.

Coach: Okay, good. Now that he’s on the ground, you assess his cognitive awareness. Does everybody have their pen lights?

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yes, sir!

Coach: Okay. Check their eyes. Remember, if the pupils dilate…

Everybody: You did great!

Coach: Okay. Now, can we do that?

Everybody: Yeah!

Coach: Can you do it?

Everybody: Yes.

Coach: Can you do it cautiously without intent to harm?

Everybody: Yeah!

Coach: Alright, then. And to help, I’ve brought special guest to you. He’s the greatest player to ever come out of Newton High. Please say hello to nine times Pittsburgh steeler, Mr. DC Timmon.

[Mr. DC Timmon walks in. The players are excited.]

Mr. DC Timmon: Alright. Ae, okay. I’m looking around, and I don’t know if y’all really wanna win tonight. Here’s what I’m saying. Forget the new rules. In my day, we never had these rules. You go out there, hit hard. Coz, that’s football. I never had these rules. Because you can forget them really. So, you out there, and you never had these rules, never! And never did! Coz, that’s football. I never football. Never!

[Cut to Mr. DC Timmon showing his hand]

You see this? I got four rings, baby. Four!

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: You’re not wearing any rings.

Mr. DC Timmon: Who said something about some rings? Just leave. One day. This one’s for all of my bros. This is Superbowl. Go out there and never football. Coz, you are all prep members of the New York city jazz, yeah!

[Mr. DC Timmon walks to a door]

Coach: Hey, DC, that’s a closet.

Mr. DC Timmon: Hey, man, I know what it is.

Coach: Yeah, you see? You understand the importance of these new rules? Okay, now I got more good news. We got brand new helmets provided for you by the people.

[A guy brings in the helmets. The helmets are too large for heads.]

You look great. You look great. Okay. Get them on three, one, two, three.

Everybody: Get them.

Coach: One, two, three.

Everybody: Get them.

Coach: Now remember, somebody’s tired out there.

[players trying to run with over sized helmets but can’t go out the door.]