Kelly Party… Heidi Gardner[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: During the pandemic thousands of adults in the US have been dealing with mental health issues. Here to talk about the power of positive thinking is life coach Kelly Party.[Kelly Party slides in dancing. The song I love it by Icona Pop is playing.]
Kelly Party: Yeah, SNL! “I don’t care, I love it!” That song is my bible.
Michael Che: Okay. Well, how are you doing, Kelly Party? So, what qualifies you to be a life coach?
Kelly Party: Well, I have a PhD in believing your dreams from Myself college. I’m here to change your life, Michael Che. So, have you met your goal?
Michael Che: What goal?
Kelly Party: The goal I decided you need to meet, Michael. Your mission is to dominate Update. I want you to take all the jokes so Colin Jost has none.
Michael Che: I don’t think I can do that, Kelly Party.
Kelly Party: Okay. So, you suck. Right off the bat, you’re blowing it. You know what I say to that?
Michael Che: What?[Kelly Party signals to the sound team. The song I love it by Icona Pop starts playing.]
Kelly Party: I love it. That’s right. I don’t care. Michael Che sucks tonight and I love it.
Michael Che: Okay wait, Kelly Party, that doesn’t really help me because I do care and I don’t love that.
Kelly Party: Oh, you know my favorite thing about you, Michael? It’s your name. Michael Che. Re-arrange the letters, what does it spell?
Michael Che: I don’t know.
Kelly Party: It spells good, good, good, good guy.
Michael Che: There’s no ‘G’ in my name.
Kelly Party: Hey wardrobe! Wardrobe! Could we get this guy a handkerchief? Because he’s sweating the small stuff. Lorne, play my song.[The song I love it by Icona Pop starts playing.]
I love it. Michael Che can’t spell. And you know what? I actually love it. I actually love it.
Michael Che: Listen. Kelly Party, you’re a life coach, right? You have to give me a technique that isn’t just a pop song.
Kelly Party: Okay. You want the Master Class, Michael. You want positivity? You want peace? Okay, I’m all about peace. Okay. And what did I say my favorite thing about you was?
Michael Che: I’m a good guy.
Kelly Party: A goo guy. [raises her index and pinky fingers] My Spider-man. You could save the world, Michael. Okay, let’s Spider-man, because get this, okay? What if Spider-man shot peace out of his webs instead of webs? If Spider-man shot peace out of his webs instead of webs, then we would have no bad guys. Spider-man would just shoot peace out of his webs instead of webs then we would have peace, guys. Then we wouldn’t have bad guys anymore, then we would have peace. You know what? I don’t know. Michael Che sucks. Play my song.[The song I love it by Icona Pop starts playing.]
Michael Che: No, wait! Stop the music! Stop playing the– Kelly!
Kelly Party: What?
Michael Che: There’s no way I’m going to pay you hundreds of dollars–
Kelly Party: Thousands, Michael.
Michael Che: You charge thousands of dollars for this?
Kelly Party: Yes, I don’t care. I love it.
Michael Che: Honestly, I respect it. Lorn, play that sone again. [The song I love it by Icona Pop starts playing.] Kelly Party, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.