Trump Graduation Speech Cold Open

Principal… Kate McKinnon

John Quigley… Kyle Mooney

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Damien… Chris Redd

Sam… Kenan Thompson

Devin… Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Principal: Hello, everyone. I’m principal O’Grady. Welcome to the St. Mary Magdalene by the express way, class of 2020 virtual graduation.

[the students are cheering from home.]

I know this isn’t how you expected your highs chool career to come to an end. But, we’re all making sacrifices. I have had to share my child’s Adderall with him. The good news is you’re all getting diplomas with the exception of John Quigley.

John: Aw, man! I gotta do school again? Oh!

Principal: The bad news is you’re about to pay full price for fancy colleges when they’re all just University of Phoenix online with worse tech support.

Aidy: Wooo! UOP online represent the future’s in wires.

Principal: Glad you’re happy. I asked you to vote today on who should be the key note speaker. Unfortunately, Barack and Michelle Obama said no. As did your next five choices which were Axl Rose, Murder Hornets, the LiMu Emu, whatever the hell that is; that dude from ’90 Day Fiancé’ who looks like a hedgehog and the Elon Musk grimes baby. So, I moved on to your 8th choice receiving one vote, president  Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the White House.]

Donald Trump: Here I am. Here I am. Here I am. People applauding, they’re applauding. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Crystal: [wearing red MAGA graduate hat.] No, thank you, sir!

Principal: Crystal, don’t make me key your car again.

Donald Trump: Congratulations to the class of COVID-19. Wow, what an incredible energy and excitement I’m feeling right now. My valet got the virus, so I had to do my own make up. I had to resort to a Liza Minnelli tiktok makeup tutorial. I’m so honored to be your valedictator, but today is not about me, it’s about you. Although I should spend a little time on me first because I’ve been treated very poorly even worse than they treated Lincoln.

Damien: I’m sorry. Wasn’t Lincoln assassinated?

Donald Trump: I’m not taking questions, Bebop. I’m only telling you the truth. Lincoln would agree. He’s probably smiling up at me from hell right now.

Sam: Ay! What is this, dude?

Donald Trump: Let’s mute him. Let’s mute a lot of the jazz types

Devin: Jazz types? What are you–[muted]

Donald Trump: Great. You’re actually lucky to be graduating right now. There are so many exciting new jobs out there like grocery store bouncer, cam girl, porch pirate, amateur nurse and coal. Don’t forget about coal. It’s in the ground and you just dig down and grab it.

Mikey: I don’t want to do that.

Donald Trump: I’m gonna make sure colleges are open in the fall. Online college is a scam and I should know. My online college was ranked number one craziest scam by US news every year it was open.

Beck: No. We want Fauci.

Donald Trump: Oh, sure. Everyone loves Fauci.

Beck: Fauci!

Donald Trump: And don’t you hate when these elite medical experts tell you what to do? [coughing] Just, excuse me. [drinks Clorox] Good old invincibility juice. Cheers to you guys.

[the students start singing out.]

Look, I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I know that this is hard. So, I’m gonna give you some real advice. [music playing in the background] Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything. Look at me. I started as the son of a simple wealthy slumlord and grew to become billionaire, a president and the world’s leading expert on infectious diseases. Surround yourself with the worst people you can find. That way, you’ll always shine. If you don’t understand something, just call it stupid. Never wear sunscreen. And live everyday like it’s your last because we’re gonna let this virus run wild. This virus that remember was started in a lab in Obama. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite inspirational quotes, reach for the stars because if you’re a star, they’ll let you do it. Thank you class of 2020. And let’s have the greatest summer of our lives. Who’s with me?

[Only Crystal and John are online.]

John: Yeah!

[Now, John and Principal also sign out.]

Donald Trump: Wow. This crowd has thinned down faster than Adele. And taped from my home one last time, it’s Saturday night.

Dr. Anthony Fauci Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Brad Pitt

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now, a message from one of the lead members of the White House Coronavirus Task Force, Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci speaking from home.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Good evening. I’m Dr. Anthony Fauci. First, I’d like to thank all the older women in America who have sent me supportive, inspiring and sometimes graphic emails. Now, there’s been a lot of misinformation out there about the virus. And yes, the president has taken some liberties with our guidelines. So, tonight, I would like to explain what the president was trying to say. And remember, let’s all try to keep an open mind.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking at a podium]

Donald Trump: We had some– We had a great meeting today with a lot of the great companies and um, they gonna have vaccines I think relatively soon…

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Relatively soon is an interesting phrase. Relative to the entire history of earth, sure, the vaccine’s gonna come real fast. But if you were to tell a friend, “I’ll be over relatively soon,” and then showed up a year and half later, well, your friend may be relative pissed off.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: We have done an incredible job. We’re going to continue. It’s going to disappear. One day. It’s like a miracle. It will disappear.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Miracle would be great. Who doesn’t love miracles? But miracles shouldn’t be plan A. Even Sully tried to land at the airport first.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: Anybody that needs a test gets a test. They’re there. They have the tests. And the tests are beautiful.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Couple of things. I don’t know if I would describe the test as beautiful. Unless your idea of beauty is having a cotton swab tickle your brain. Also, when he said everyone can get a test, what he meant was almost noone.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: You can call it a germ. You can call it a flu. You can call it a virus. You know, you can call it many different names. I’m not sure anybody even knows what it is.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: We know what it is.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: And then I see the disinfectant. Where it knocks it out in a minute. One minute. And, is there a way we can do something like that? Um, by injection?

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci looking clueless.] [Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: Suppose we hit the body with a tremendous, um, whether it’s ultraviolet or just very powerful light.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci doing the facepalm.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I know I shouldn’t be touching my face but– Now, there is a rumor that the president is going to fire me. Let’s see what he said about that.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: Today, I walk in, I hear I’m gonna fire him. I’m not firing him. I think he’s a wonderful guy.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: So, yeah. I’m getting fired. But until then, I’m gonna be there putting out the facts for whoever’s listening. And when I hear things like the virus could be cured if everyone takes the tide pod challenge, I’ll be there to say, “Please don’t.”

[He opens the wig. He’s Brad Pitt.] And to the real Dr. Fauci, thank you for your calm and your clarity in this unnerving time. And thank you to the medical workers, first responders and their families for being on the front line. And now, live, kind of, from all across America, it’s Saturday night.

The Ingraham Angle Coronavirus Cold Open

Laura Ingraham… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Chris Matthews… Darrell Hammond

Elizabeth Warren

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “The Ingraham Angle” intro] [Cut to Laura Ingraham in her set]

Laura Ingraham: Good evening and welcome to the Ingraham angle. [cheers and applause] I am Laura Ingraham, the Joey Fatone of FOX News. Later in the program, walking silver alert, Joe Biden takes the lead on Super Tuesday. Bernie Sanders announced his running mate, the ghost of Fidel Castro. Then former candidate Elizabeth Warren will be joining us live via satellite… I don’t know, scold us for owning cars. But first, tonight’s main story, I don’t know why Coronavirus, the left continues to wage its deceitful dishonest and frankly gay smear campaign against president Trump. Here’s a video of some loco libs driving to hold foods to buy the last bottle of organic Purell.

[Cut to a video clip of Vin Diesel flying a car from one building to another from the movie Fast and Furious Kate McKinnon.] [Cut back to Laura Ingraham]

It’s insane. The left is trying to whip people into a fear frenzy of lies which jus isn’t right. That’s our thing. Look, Coronavirus isn’t urban legend. And yes, I said urban as a dog whistle. The point is, you’ve got much bigger things to worry about. And to help you calm down, here’s a list of much bigger things to worry about. [a list appears on the screen]. You got women who keep their maiden names; Montessori schools; Mexican teenagers rehearsing dance for a quinceañera in public park; fat barbies; “What’s the maid saying?”; black marching bands, they’re too good; and Harry Styles??? What’s he doing? Who’s that for?

[The list goes off]

So, instead of wasting your money on $300 surgical masks, consider supporting my ever-thinning list of sponsors. Like, Deer Tanks. Let’s face it, shooting deer takes too long. Send Bamby to hell with Deer Tanks. And Indoor Horn. Not allowed to drive anymore? Now you can still honk and scream at people inside with Indoor Horn. And Word Searches with racial slurs in it. You didn’t say it. You just circled it.

For more on this liberal fan fiction that is the Coronavirus, we go to judge, Jeanine Pirro.

[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham and Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Get rid of me’.

Laura Ingraham: Get rid of who?

Jeanine Pirro: Whoever.

Laura Ingraham: Okay. Thanks for joining us, Jeanine. Shouldn’t our viewers be doing anything to prepare for Coronavirus?

Jeanine Pirro: Hell, no. Americans are not at risk. Especially not our viewers who skew elderly are in bad health, live cloister together in homes specifically for sick people and have smoked their entire lives.

Laura Ingraham: Sounds like you’re not too worried.

Jeanine Pirro: Not one bit, Laura. So, don’t get it twisted. If you see me avoiding Chinese restaurants, it’s not coz I’m scared. It’s because I don’t trust the Chinese. A fortune cookie once told me to lower my voice and I’ve never looked back.

Laura Ingraham: Alright. Well, stay safe out there, Jeanine.

Jeanine Pirro: No need. [Jeanine Pirro shows a glass of martini] Alcohol is a disinfectant, so mama’s gonna live for ever. [Jeanine Pirro drinks the martini]

Laura Ingraham: Well, thank you for that excellent report. [Cut to Laura Ingraham] We go now to the men in the inside, Don Jr. and Eric Trump.

[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hi, Laura. Did you get my valentine?

Laura Ingraham: Pass. Now, what can you tell us about the president’s response to the virus?

Donald Trump Jr.: Laura, [Eric Trump is copying everything that Donald Trump Jr. is doing] our father has everything under control. You know, democrats would love for people to get sick so they can use it to their advantage. Like, how we give Eric raw chicken so he misses important meetings.

Eric Trump: Ha-ha. I love my pink nuggets.

Donald Trump Jr.: That’s great, buddy. Laura, the libs think they can spin this to hurt our father. But if there’s anything my dad’s on top of it’s–

Eric Trump: The toilet.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. It’s this crisis. You don’t have to give answers, buddy. I got it. Look, the fact of matter is Americans are perfectly safe. It’s like our dad always says–

Eric Trump: The N word?

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No. Only during songs, buddy.

Eric Trump: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Didn’t we bring you a toy or something you can play with?

Eric Trump: Ya-hah. My beepy toy.

Donald Trump Jr.: Okay. Eric, that’s a thermometer. It only beeps if you have fe–

[Eric Trump puts the thermometer in his mouth and it starts beeping. Donald Trump Jr. checks the thermometer.]

104?

Eric Trump: Yes!

Donald Trump Jr.: Buddy, where did you get this?

Eric Trump: The park.

Donald Trump Jr.: We gotta go, Laura.

Laura Ingraham: Alright. Thanks for joining us.

Eric Trump: I’m a father.

[Cut to Laura Ingraham]

Laura Ingraham: Great. Now, first off, getting the vegan leather boot at MSNBC for the high crime of giving a girl a compliment, I’d like to welcome our newest FOX News anchor, Chris Matthews.

[Chris Matthews is sitting in the set with Laura Ingraham] [cheers and applause]

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball.” I’m Chris Matthews. Tonight, my guest is Laura, a spooky blonde lady who lies to the elderly. Hah!

Laura Ingraham: Chris, no, you’re on my show.

Chris Matthews: Oh, I forgot. Force of habit. Maybe I’ll get in trouble for saying this. You look great.

Laura Ingraham: Chris, you can say whatever you want. It’s FOX.

Chris Matthews: Oh, my god. This place is amazing. Everyone here is hot, crazy or both.

Laura Ingraham: Yeah. Now, you resigned after recent non-scandals. Like, comparing Bernie Sanders to Hitler. How do you respond? And remember, you can put it as crazy as you want to.

Chris Matthews: Alright. Here it goes. The race is down to Hitler and an ice-cream cone to see who can beat the Michelin man. Back to you, girl Hitler. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Laura Ingraham: Welcome home. Thank you for joining us, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Da-ba-da-ha-ba.

Laura Ingraham: And now, our celebrity interview brought to you by our amazing sponsors. Like, Mesh Pillow. Your greedy kids can’t smother you with Mesh Pillow. And for anyone looking to make some quick cash, Fake Purell. It’s lube in a Purell bottle. And as always, White Chocolate. All the calories and none of the taste.

And now, an interview with the latest democratic candidate to end a campaign, the woman who savagely murdered Michael Bloomberg on live television. Please welcome senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham and Elizabeth Warren] [cheers and applause]

Elizabeth Warren: Hi, Laura. Thanks for having me.

Laura Ingraham: How have you been since dropping out of the race?

Elizabeth Warren: You know, I’m doing just fine. My friends and family have been so supportive. They’ve been calling non-stop asking, “Are you okay? What do you need? Were you electable?” That kind of thing.

Laura Ingraham: Oh. You certainly ran a memorable campaign. Here’s footage of you debating Mike Bloomberg.

[Cut to a video clip of a dog eating a burrito.] [Cut back to Laura Ingraham and Elizabeth Warren]

And just to be clear, were you the dog or the burrito?

Elizabeth Warren: I was the dog.

Laura Ingraham: Got it. [cheers and applause] So, you’re not endorsing anyone yet?

Elizabeth Warren: Well, it is tough. Maybe I’ll just pull a New York Times and endorse them both.

Laura Ingraham: Well, now that you’re done campaigning, do you have any regrets?

Elizabeth Warren: You know, not at all. I am so proud of our campaign. We built a wide correlation of teachers, pre-school teachers, middle-school teachers and teachers’ pets. And, not only did I not accept money from billionaires, I got to give one a swirly on live TV. [cheers and applause] But now, I got time to do a little self care. Hanging out with my dog Bailey, prank calling big banks, drag racing Subarus, avoiding Twitter. And before I go, I wanna thank my supporters and say one last thing.

[Kate McKinnon runs in. She’s wearing exactly same outfit as Elizabeth Warren.]

Kate McKinnon: Hi there. How are you? [cheers and applause] Sorry. I just– I wanted to put on my favorite outfit to thank you for all that you’ve done in your life time.

Elizabeth Warren: Um, I’m not dead. I’m just in the senate.

Kate McKinnon: Right. Whoo! Okay. You’re right. Um, so let’s stay in the spot. And let’s do this.

Elizabeth Warren and Kate McKinnon: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

Coronavirus Cold Open

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Ben Carson… Kenan Thompson

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Joe Biden… John Mulaney

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

[Starts with Mike Pence speaking at the White House press conference]

Mike Pence: Thank you all for coming. I’m vice president Mike Pence. [cheers and applause] Most of you know me from the “Even if Trump was removed, we’d still be stuck with Mike Pence.” President Trump as put me in charge of the corona virus even though I don’t believe in [hand gesture quoting] science. And I have to admit this disease has been quite a test of my faith just like dinosaur bones or Timothee Chalamet. But I’m prepared for the challenge. We’ve assembled a very experienced team of some of the best people left in government. Led by one of the most brilliant minds in medicine, Dr. Ben Carson.

[Ben Carson walks in] [cheers and applause]

Ben Carson: Hello. Hello. I’m Ben Carson. You know, the brain surgeon they put in charge of house development. Well, this is something I actually do know about and rest assured in my expert opinion it’s gonna be bad.

Mike Pence: Oh, Ben don’t say that. I asked you here to put people at ease and educate them about the virus.

Ben Carson: Oh! Okie dokie okie. So, here’s what we know so far. It looks like this. [showing a picture of Disney’s Stitch] As you can see from his sharp teeth, he’s a nasty little thing. He’ll bit you.

Mike Pence: Oh, ha-ha, but don’t panic. There are still simple precautions that we can all take like covering your mouth when you cough and as always closing your eyes during intercourse.

Ben Carson: Also, we suggest getting these wonderful ‘Make America Great Again’ masks from the White House website. It may take a couple of months for delivery because they are made in Wuhan, China.

Mike Pence: Alright. Thank you Dr. Carson

Ben Carson: Oh, it’s bad.

Mike Pence: Alright. Thank you. Thank you. The important thing is that now is the time for unity and not the time to politicize this issue. So, let’s take some questions.

[Michael Bloomberg in the press section asks question]

Michael Bloomberg: Yes Mike, Bloomberg. [cheers and applause] Bloomberg news. I have a question.

Mike Pence: What are you doing here? How did you get pass security?

Michael Bloomberg: Well, I just walked in coughing and everybody got out of my way. My question is doesn’t it seem like a good time to have a president who’s competent and capable? Even if that candidate lacks charisma or ability to connect with human beings?

Mike Pence: Mr. Bloomberg, with all due respect, I’m not sure that I understand your question.

[Michael Bloomberg just gets to the podium at which Mike Pence is speaking]

Michael Bloomberg: Okay, let me say it for you in Spanish. [speaking in Spanish language] Am I correcto?

[Elizabeth Warren stands from behind the podium]

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah, I got a question for you Michael Bloomberg. [cheers and applause]

Michael Bloomberg: Senator Warren, what are you doing here?

Elizabeth Warren: Did you really think you’re going to get away from me? It’s my job now. I follow you around, make your life a living hell. I might be fifth in the polls but I’m number one in your nightmares, Mike.

[Joe Biden walks in.]

Joe Biden: Speaking of number one, guess who just kicked butt? [cheers and applause] Guess who just kicked butt in South crackle-barrel?

Mike Pence: Joe Biden? You look different.

Joe Biden: Yeah. The surgery has starting to settle. Now listen folks, if we want to fight Chin cough, we got to be smart. We got to make sure to get new teeth daily. Now, here’s an honest to goodness true story based loosely on fake events. The year was 19-ricky-ticky-tabby. And me and Nelson Mandela were palling around South Africa, green book style. WE have one elephant between us and who do we run into but the ebola monkey. And weird story longer, I wrestled that sucker to mercy. Beep-bap-beep. That’s how I convinced Mandela that why he was okay.

[Bernie Sanders in the press section talks]

Bernie Sanders: Hey! Hey! Wait! Wait a second. Hey, what about me possibly winning the nomination, huh? You gotta admit folks, universal health care doesn’t sound too crazy now, does it?

Mike Pence: Bernie, this is not the time to politicize this issue.

Bernie Sanders: Hey, I’m having the best week of my freaking life. I had a little set back in South Carolina but I’m heading the other polls. Wall Street billionaires are losing their shirts. And best of all, nobody wants to come near me. Much less touch me. I’m in heaven.

Michael Bloomberg: can I speak?

Elizabeth Warren: Hey, sure. Why don’t you start telling us what’s in that NDA?

Michael Bloomberg: Well, I keep telling you it’s nothing. It’s just– I made a little joke to a female employee and she didn’t like it.

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah. What was the joke?

Michael Bloomberg: Alright. Knock, knock.

Elizabeth Warren: Who’s there?

Michael Bloomberg: It’s your boss Mike. Listen, get rid of that baby.

Elizabeth Warren: Oh my god!

Michael Bloomberg: But didn’t you get it?

Mike Pence: [awkwardly] Okay. Why don’t I take a question from a real reporter? You, sir.

[Pete Buttigieg in the press section speaks]

Pete Buttigieg: Yes. [cheers and applause] Hi, I’m actually a mayor Pete Buttigieg. I’m a a candidate too, for the next three days.

[Amy Klobuchar walks in]

Amy Klobuchar: Back off, Buttigieg. [cheers and applause]

Pete Buttigieg: Amy Klobuchar.

Amy Klobuchar: Yeah. The whole moderate from the mid-west stick is mine. So, stay out of my center lane, bitch. I am from Minnesota so I will cut you… in line at Target, son.

Pete Buttigieg: I’m sorry. Son? Don’t treat me like a child. I was mayor.

Amy Klobuchar: Aw! Yes you were. Here. [Amy Klobuchar puts some spit on her thumb and wipes something off Amy Klobuchar’s face with it.] You got a little something there. It’s my spit!

Elizabeth Warren: Look, look, I just want to say two things, America. Number one, we need someone who can handle this, that we can trust. Mayor Bloomberg supports George W. Bush. He supported Lindsey Graham. He funded SARS. He invented traffic. He was responsible for McDonald’s serving spaghetti. he wrote and directed the movie ‘Cats.’ He dumps your bags in the ocean from cargo hold on Spirit Airlines. This is a bad man. Use Purell.

[Bernie Sanders walks to the stage]

Bernie Sanders: No, no, no. No, no, no. No Purell. I got a bottle of that junk and on the label, it says it kills 99.99% germs. What happens to the top 0.01%? Why are we protecting them? I say enough with the potions. Just use good old fashioned bar soap and scalding hot water. I might get in trouble for saying this. But you know who was great at washing his hands? Joseph Stalin. Just saying. Just saying.

Amy Klobuchar: Look. Look. I am not afraid of a little cough. I announce my campaign in a snow storm. I mean, that was insane. A snow storm. Who would do that? I am in it to win it, baby. Ha-ha. I don’t know when to quit. And that might be a problem.

Pete Buttigieg: Can I just mention? I’m the only candidate up here who’s not gonna lose.

Amy Klobuchar: To Trump?

Pete Buttigieg: Oh, no. To the corona virus. You know, you’re all in very high risk demographics.

Bernie Sanders: You wanna talk high risk? I have it on good authority and Pete Buttigieg is a hand cougher. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He coughs right into the hand. Not the elbow which we can all agree is not perfect, but it’s at least something. America doesn’t need a hand cougher. They need a president who is old enough to know Typhoid Mary. And one other thing and this goes for all of you.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Donald Trump Robert Mueller Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Waitress… Heidi Gardner

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with Donald Trump walking into a Holsten’s Restaurant in Bloomfield, NJ. He takes a seat and a waitress comes to him.]

Waitress: Oh, my god. Mr. President. Welcome. Is it just you?

Donald Trump: No, I’m meeting some friends.

Waitress: Okay. Great. [passing Donald Trump the menu] Well, let me know if you have any questions.

Donald Trump: I do, actually. Is HPV different than HIV?

Waitress: I’ll give you a minute.

[Donald Trump looks at the small jukebox on his table. He puts a coin and plays music.] [Rudy Giuliani walks in and takes seat on the same booth.]

Rudy Giuliani: Hey.

Donald Trump: Hey.

Rudy Giuliani: How are you doing?

Donald Trump: So, Rudy, did you go on FOX News last night?

Rudy Giuliani: Like, 20 times, yeah. Don’t worry, I told them that you are openly colluding with Russia but then I ended with, “So what?” It should all be fine. Yeah.

Donald Trump: Thanks, Rudy.

Rudy Giuliani: I even confessed to some crimes you didn’t do. And then I said, “What are you gonna do? Arrest the president? I dare you. Ah!”

Donald Trump: Okay! I think they get the point. [Donald Trump holds Rudy Giuliani’s hands] Rudy, I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.

Rudy Giuliani: Hey, you’re the best client I’ll ever have.

[Michael Cohen walks in and takes seat on the same booth.]

Donald Trump: Michael Cohen, there’s my guy.

Rudy Giuliani: So, how was work today?

Michael Cohen: Ah! You know, really bad. Mostly just prepared to go to jail and stuff. He said I might get 20 years unless I give you up.

Donald Trump: I’ve heard jail’s fun.

Michael Cohen: Fun?

Donald Trump: Yeah. Just like camp. Plus there’s free gym. Dude, you’re going to get so jacked.

Rudy Giuliani: They’re giving up programs in jail where you can get a real law degree. Ha-ha-ha.

Michael Cohen: Well, you can always come visit.

Donald Trump: I would but golf.

Michael Cohen: Anyway, you got to focus on the good times. Isn’t that what you once told me boss?

Donald Trump: I did?

Michael Cohen: Yeah. Remember? That’s why you told me to keep a copy of that Russian Pee-tape.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, I gotta remember the show that is on clip on CNN tomorrow. Don Lemon’s gonna love that.

Donald Trump: Yeah. [Donald Trump holds Michael Cohen’s hand] Hey, whatever happens, I’m proud of you, Michael.

Michael Cohen: Thanks. I love you too.

Donald Trump: I didn’t say that.

[Donald Trump Jr. walks in.]

Don Jr.

[Donald Trump Jr. takes seat in the same booth.]

So, where is Eric?

Donald Trump Jr.: He is still parallel parking outside.

[Cut to Eric trying to park his tricycle.] [Cut back to inside the restaurant]

Donald Trump: You know, I couldn’t think of three people I’d rather be here with tonight. A best son and two of my last 15 lawyers.

Michael Cohen: Hey, [raising his glass of soda] to a great first year of the Russian investigation.

Rudy Giuliani: And many more.

[They all raise their glasses] [Robert Mueller walks in and takes seat in another booth.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad, maybe tomorrow I can show you that Chinese deal we didn’t talk about.

Donald Trump: Yeah, yeah. That sounds great. [whispering] Is that Robert Mueller?

Michael Cohen: Oh, and good news. You know that woman who is suing you for groping in defaming her? I found a guy who is willing to threaten her kids.

Donald Trump: Yeah, that sounds great, Michael. [whispering] Am I the only one that sees that guy? [pointing at Robert Mueller]

Rudy Giuliani: And hey, hey, I think I figured out a loophole where they can’t legally subpoena you. Have you ever heard the phrase ‘faking your own death?’

Donald Trump: Uh, yeah, sure. Rudy, we can look into that for sure.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad, are you okay?

[Robert Mueller walks pass them and points at Donald Trump. Nobody sees him except Donald Trump.]

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Mother’s Day Cold Open

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: And now, a special Mother’s Day message from the cast of SNL.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy: Hello. Hi. I am Aidy Bryant and this is my mom Georganne. [Georganne walks in] Now, you know, normally we open the show with political sketch which can sometimes be divisive. But since tomorrow is Mother’s Day, we’re gonna focus on the one thing we can all celebrate together. Moms. Mom, I’m so happy you’re here with me and thank you for all the love and support.

Georganne: Well, I’m so proud you’re on SNL.

Aidy: I know. And you’re here now.

Georganne: I know. And I can’t wait to rip it up at the after party.

Aidy: Oh! Okay, wow!

[Cut to Kenan Thompson with his mom]

Kenan: Everybody, this is my sweet little mommy, Ann. Mom, without your help, I would have never made it to SNL.

Ann: Kenan, I can’t imagine this show without you. Like, I actually can’t remember when you weren’t on it.

Kenan: Oh, nice. Good one. Good one. But, you like the show, right mom?

Ann: I do. Except for all the political stuff. I get it.

Kenan: Alright. Thank you very much.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor with her mom]

Melissa: This is my mom, Rupy. I love you, mom.

Rupy: I love you too. And can I tell you a secret?

Melissa: Yeah.

Rupy: [foreign language: “If you’re not in a sketch, I don’t watch it.]

Melissa: Oh. Thanks, mom.

[Cut to Mikey Day with his mom]

Mikey: This is my mom, Sylvia. Mom, did you ever think that I’d be on SNL some day?

Sylvia: No.

Mikey: Awesome. Or, remember I was in that production of “The Crucible” in high school?

Sylvia: Oh, right! Yes. You know, “The Crucible” was a lot like witch hunt against president Trump.

Mikey: Okay. Don’t love that. Let’s go.

[Cut to Luke Null with his mother.]

Luke: This is my mom, Cindy. Mom, I love you because you always give me the best advice.

Cindy: Thanks, Luke. Here’s some more. Enough with the Trump jokes.

Luke: Yes. Mom, I don’t write those.

Cindy: And why doesn’t SNL ever talk about crooked Hillary?

Luke: Mom, I’m so new here. Please do not do this to me.

[Cut to Chris Redd with his mom.]

Chris: Yeah, ma, I’m also. I’m new and black, so be cool.

Chris’s mom: I don’t understand why everyone focuses on Trump at all. When you should be focused on Jesus.

Chris: Okay. Well, Jesus isn’t president, ma.

Chris’s mom: And that’s the problem.

Chris: Okay. Come on.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney with his mom.]

Kyle: This is my mom, Linda. [cheers and applause]

Linda: I think all the political stuff gets old. I like the sketches that everyone can laugh at.

Kyle: You mean, like, my stuff.

Linda: Oh, no. No. Your stuff is crazy. I meant like, Kenan sketches.

Kyle: Very helpful. Thank you, mom.

[Cut to Colin Jost with his mom]

Colin: This is my mom, Kerry. Mom, you like politics on the show, right?

Kerry: I think Alec Baldwin does a great Trump impression. But why does it have to be so mean? Who writes those stuff?

Colin: Yeah. I don’t know. I guess it’s mostly Michael Che.

[Cut to Beck Bennett with his mom.]

Beck: This is my mom, Sarah. [audience cheering]

Sarah: Beck, I love the show. But why are there so many talk shows and game shows?

Beck: Mom?

Sarah: And why don’t you do Wayne’s World anymore? That was funny.

Beck: I know, right? Let’s go find Lorn.

[Cut to Pete Davidson with his mom]

Pete: This is my mom, Amy.

Amy: I’m so proud of you, Pete. I just don’t like it when you do all those penis jokes.

Pete: Well, not tonight, mom. Because mother’s day is all about vaginas.

Amy: My god!

[Cut to everybody in the SNL stage]

Kenan: We just wanna say Happy Mother’s Day from all of us at SNL.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Michael Cohen Wiretap Cold Open

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Harold Bornstein… Martin Short

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Host… Heidi Gardner

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Omarosa Manigault… Leslie Jones

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johansson

Jared Kushner… Jimmy Fallon

Stormy Daniels

[Starts with a video message “The following is based on real events.”] [Cut to Michael Cohen walking around a telephone booth. He is wearing a suit. He picks up the phone and dials the number. The phone is connecting.] [Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [answering the phone] Hello, it’s Donald Trump. Who this?

Michael Cohen: It’s Michael Cohen. God, I miss you so much.

Donald Trump: Oh, hey. What’s up, amigo? How you holding up in prison?

Michael Cohen: I’m not in prison.

Donald Trump: Oh, well. Give it a couple of weeks.

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, we’re in big trouble. I think they know about our allusion-K and obstruction of justice, J.

Donald Trump: Sorry. I don’t speak Spanish.Wait, are you on a secure line?

Michael Cohen: Absolutely. I dialed *Mike PenceMelania Trump before the numbers. So, it’s completely untraceable.

[Cut to two FBI agents listening to their conversation, shaking their heads.] [Cut back to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Listen, Trump. I don’t know what to do. You keep changing your story on Stormy Daniels payment.

Donald Trump: Look. Let’s get Rudy Giuliani on the phone. He’ll fix this. He’s got the sharpest legal mind since my cousin Vinny.

Michael Cohen: Um, okay. But, just to be safe let me call you back with one of my burner phones.

Donald Trump: Wait, you kept the burner phones? That’s not good.

[Cut to Michael Cohen. He hangs up the phone, and dials the number on his burner phone.] [Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Harold Bornstein.]

Harold Bornstein: [Harold Bornstein answering the phone] Yes, hello. This is Dr. Harold Bornstein. Would you like to know any of my patient’s medical history?

Michael Cohen: Dammit! I tried to dial Trump Donald but I dialed Trump doctor.

Harold Bornstein: Is this you, Michael Cohen? Michael, I’m glad you called. Someone broke into my office and stole my file. I guess you could say I was [yelling] raped!

Michael Cohen: I don’t think you could say that.

Harold Bornstein: Well, I already did. [yelling] Raped!

Michael Cohen: Alright. Can we talk about this later?

Harold Bornstein: No. I’m busy later. [giggling] No, I’m kidding. I have zero commitment personally and professionally. But if you ever want to do drugs, I can get you all the drugs.

[Cut to two FBI agents listening to their conversation, shaking their heads.] [Cut to Michael Cohen and Harold Bornstein]

Michael Cohen: Alright. I’ll call you back, Harold. Goodbye.

Harold Bornstein: Okay. I’ll just be sitting here in my office where I live. [yelling] Bye!

[Cut to Michael Cohen. He hangs up the phone and dials another number.] [Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: [answering the phone] Hello.

Michael Cohen: Rudy? Is that you?

Rudy Giuliani: Yes. That’s right. It’s me, Rudy. Rudy Giuliani. Trump’s lawyer and his worst nightmare.

Michael Cohen: Rudy, can we speak freely? Are you alone?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani in the set of an interview at FOX News. The host is sitting right next to him.]

Rudy Giuliani: Yeah. Yeah. I’m pretty much alone. [to Sarah Huckabee Sanders] This is a commercial break, right toots?

Host: No.

Rudy Giuliani: Okay. Yeah, we’re, good to talk. Good to talk.

Michael Cohen: Alright. Let in loop in Mr. Trump. [Rudy Giuliani presses buttons] Alright, is everyone on?

[Cut to split screen between Michael Cohen, Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump and the FBI agents.]

Donald Trump: Yes.

Rudy Giuliani: Yes.

[The FBI Agents are nodding their heads yes.]

Michael Cohen: Guys, can we please just decide on one lie and stick to it? Coz our stories are all over the place.

Donald Trump: Guys, hold that thought. I’m getting a call from work. [Donald Trump presses a button.] [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Mr. President, I have lost all credibility. Did you lie to me about the Stormy Daniels affair?

Donald Trump: Yeah. That sounds like something I would do.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay, good. Just as long as we’re on the same page. I’m good to go. See you on Monday.

[Donald Trump presses a button.] [Cut to split screen between Michael Cohen, Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump and the FBI agents.]

Donald Trump: Okay, I’m back.

Rudy Giuliani: Guys, guys, can we hurry this up? I’m supposed to do 25 more talk show appearances today and I’m trying to make it like an advert calendar where I reveal one new crime in each show.

[phone ringing]

Michael Cohen: Oh, I’m getting another call. Hang on.

[Michael Cohen answers the phone] [Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: Hello, Michael. It’s Melania.

Michael Cohen: Oh, hey, Melania. I was just talking to Donald about–

Melania Trump: Yeah, yeah. Listen, I have completely hypothetical question for a friend of mine, okay? If your husband is accused of crime, would she have to testify against him?

Michael Cohen: No.

Melania Trump: But could she? If she wants to?

Michael Cohen: I guess she could.

Melania Trump: Oh, my friend will be so happy. Thank you Michael.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone. He is looking at all the phones and is confused.]

Michael Cohen: Wait, which phone was Mr. Trump on? [looks at one phone and speaks on it] Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Omarosa Manigault]

Omarosa Manigault: Yeah. This is Omarosa an I’m still pissed off.

Michael Cohen: No!

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Hi there, stranger. What’s your name?

Michael Cohen: Mike Pence?

Mike Pence: Who is this? I was told this was a party line with no questions asked?

Michael Cohen: Ah! I gotta call you back.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen, Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner. Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are standing together. Ivanka is on the phone.]

Ivanka Trump: Yes, this is Ivanka and Jared. [cheers and applause]

Jared Kushner: [squeaky voice] Hi, hi. Hello.

Ivanka Trump: Michael, did we hear Giuliani called Jared disposable on national television? Coz, Jared is furious.

Jared Kushner: [yelling] Yeah, man! Like, what the hell? I’m so mad right now. You didn’t even want to see me. I mean, I could cut a bitch! Don’t ever try to cover me. [making noise]

Michael Cohen: Listen. Ivanka, you know your dad would do anything to protect you. But if he needs to, he’d throw Jared under the bus in a heartbeat.

Jared Kushner: What did he say?

Ivanka Trump: He said you’re fine.

Michael Cohen: Alright. I’ll talk to you later.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Mr. Trump?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Where the hell were you Michael? I don’t have time to wait on hold. I was supposed to be meeting with my new chief strategist, Kanye West.

Michael Cohen: What do you want me to do?

Donald Trump: Call up Stormy Daniels and fix this once and for all. Maybe keep me on the phone too. I’ll just be quiet and listen.

[Michael Cohen presses buttons] [Cut to Stormy Daniels answering the phone]

Stormy Daniels: Hello.

[Cut to split screen with Stormy Daniels, Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Michael Cohen: Stormy, this is Michael Cohen. Are you alone?

Stormy Daniels: Yes.

Donald Trump: And what are you wearing?

Stormy Daniels: Excuse me?

[Michael Cohen is pissed off that Donald Trump spoke]

Donald Trump: Okay, Michael. I can take it from here.

Michael Cohen: Okay. But as your attorney, I highly advice against you–

[Donald Trump cuts Michael Cohen from the line] [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels.]

Donald Trump: So, wad up, girl?

Stormy Daniels: Hello, Donald.

Donald Trump: Come on, Stormy. Stop making such a big deal about this. Everyone knows it’s just an act.

Stormy Daniels: I work in adult films. We’re really not known for our acting.

Donald Trump: Just tell me what do you need for this to all go away?

Stormy Daniels: A resignation.

Donald Trump: Yeah, right. Being president is like doing porn. Once you do it, it’s hard to do anything else. Besides, my poll numbers are finally up. And speaking of polls being up–

Stormy Daniels: Donald?

Donald Trump: Oh, come on. We’ll always have shark week. I solved North and South Korea. But can I solve us?

Stormy Daniels: Sorry, Donald. It’s too late for that. I know you don’t believe in climate change but a storm’s coming, baby.

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I’ve never been so scared and so horny at the same time.

Stormy Daniels and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Meet the Parents Cold Open

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Assistant… Heidi Gardner

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro.

[Starts with Jeff Sessions and Mike Pence in the office of Department of Justice, Washington, DC.]

Jeff Sessions: I don’t know, Mr. Vice President. I feel like I say this every week but this week was bad. I’m beginning to regret my wish to become a real boy. I toss and turn in my shoebox all night wondering what’s FBI gonna do next?

Mike Pence: I know. I know. We’re in a real pickle here, Jeff. And you know how uncomfortable I am around pickles.

Jeff Sessions: Yes. I can’t believe they raided Michael Cohen’s office. What are we gonna do, Mike?

Mike Pence: The important thing ti s to stay calm. In couple of months, the president will be back to normal.

Jeff Sessions: How’s that?

Mike Pence: Coz it will be me.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, that’s good. That’s good.

[Assistant walks in the door]

Assistant: Excuse me, Mr. Sessions.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, no. Are they here for us? [raising his both hands up] I’ll go peacefully.

Assistant: No. It’s not the police. The president’s lawyer, Michael Cohen is here to see you.

Jeff Sessions: Oh! Finally. By all means, send him in.

[Michael Cohen walks in]

Michael Cohen: Hey. Hey. How you doing? That’s right, it’s Michael Cohen, attorney at law. You know. sometimes also not in law.

Jeff Sessions: Mr. Cohen, this situation is out of hand.

Michael Cohen: I know. Can you believe what they’re doing to poor Mr. Trump? It’s a disgrace. This whole raid was a complete violation of attorney criminal privilege.

Mike Pence: Well, if you have nothing to hide, then you have nothing to worry about.

Michael Cohen: Is that a joke? Look, we got a real problem here, Jeff. You know how much evidence I have in my office? I’m Donald Trump’s lawyer. I got a whole hard drive that’s just labelled “Yanks.”

Mike Pence: I have to say, some of these allegations against you are quite disturbing, Mr. Cohen. Like, how you paid $1.6 million for a top republican mistress to have an abortion.

Michael Cohen: Yeah. 1.6 million for your abortion. Thank you Obamacare! This is all your fault, Jeff. You shouldn’t have recused yourself. You should have protected Mr. Trump. He’s a fragile flower. And he also happens to be the smartest, kindest, sexiest, least colluding man on this planet which I call earth.

Jeff Sessions: [whispering to Mike Pence] Okay, he’s just a fool dumb, dumb now. [to Michael Cohen] Michael, the reason we brought you here today is that there’s someone who would like to speak with you.

Michael Cohen: Oh, great! Who?

Mike Pence: Don’t worry about it. He’s down the hall waiting for you.

Jeff Sessions: And remember, whatever happens, you have our full support, okay? So, right this way. [walking Michael Cohen out] Thank you so much. Thank you for coming in. [Michael Cohen walks out] I cannot wait to see that little dummy burn.

Mike Pence: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Jeff Sessions and Mike Pence do the high-five.] [Cut to Michael Cohen walking into the interrogation room. There’s a polygraph machine on the table.]

Michael Cohen: What is this place?

[Robert Mueller walks in from another door.]

Robert Mueller: Looking for something, Mr. Cohen?

Michael Cohen: Robert Mueller?

Robert Mueller: Why don’t you have a seat, Mr. Cohen? [Robert Mueller gives the wires of polygraph machine to Michael Cohen] Here, put these on. You’ve ever used a lie detector before?

Michael Cohen: I feel like I have.

Robert Mueller: Great!

Michael Cohen: Look. I want you to know I will gladly go to jail to protect Mr. President Trump.

Robert Mueller: Just relax, Mr. Cohen. If you’re innocent, you have nothing to worry about. I’ll start with some easy ones. How’d you like that peepee tape?

Michael Cohen: What?

Robert Mueller: I’m kidding. Relax. We’ll get to that later. Is your name Michael Cohen?

Michael Cohen: Yes.

Robert Mueller: And you’re a lawyer?

Michael Cohen: Ish.

Robert Mueller: Did you have– did you make a payment of $130,000 to Stormy Daniels?

Michael Cohen: Yes.

Robert Mueller: Did president Trump know about it?

Michael Cohen: No.

[Polygraph machine starts making noise]

Robert Mueller: I think you’re lying.

Michael Cohen: It was supposed to be a surprise for Stormy. Like a gift.

Robert Mueller: A gift?

Michael Cohen: Yeah. A gift. Like rock you throw through a window with a note tied to it that says “Stop talking.”

Robert Mueller: So you threaten people?

Michael Cohen: Directly? No. But, let’s just say I’ve cut a lot of letters out of a lot of a magazines. I was just trying to milk some information out of people. So what?

Robert Mueller: Did you say milk?

Michael Cohen: Yeah. Like, with a cow or a goat or a… cat. I mean, you can milk anything with nipples.

Robert Mueller: Really? I have nipples. Can you milk me, Mr. Cohen?

Michael Cohen: Look, Mr. Mueller, this entire Russian investigation is a witch hunt and your whole team is prejudiced against the president.

Robert Mueller: Not true. In fact, we use code names so personal feelings never come in to it.

Michael Cohen: Yeah? What’s president Trump’s code name?

Robert Mueller: It used to be Putin’s little bitch. Now, it’s Stormy’s little bitch.

Michael Cohen: What about Ivanka’s code name?

Robert Mueller: Girlfriend.

Michael Cohen: Jared Kushner?

Robert Mueller: Other girlfriend.

Michael Cohen: Don Jr. and Eric?

Robert Mueller: Two fradles.

Michael Cohen: What about my code name?

Robert Mueller: Dead man walking.

Michael Cohen: Look, I don’t have to take this from you. I have rights.

Robert Mueller: Now, you listen to me you little weasel. I don’t know what rights you think you have. You broke the law. And now we’re gonna catch all you little fakers, you got that?

Michael Cohen: Okay. Okay. But I will tell you this.

Michael Cohen and Robert Mueller: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Donald Trump Baltic States Cold Open

Harris Faulkner… Leslie Jones

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Dalia Grybauskaitė… Kate McKinnon

Kersti Kaljulaid… Heidi Gardner

Raimonds Vējonis… Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Fox News intro] [Cut to “Outnumbered” intro] [Cut to Harris Faulkner in her set]

Harris Faulkner: Hi, I’m Harris Faulkner and you’re watching “Outnumbered.” Outnumbered is the title of the show and also how I feel here at FOX News. We begin today with FOX News alert. Could former president Obama be impeached now despite not being president anymore? One of our professional morons says yes. And we have another FOX News alert. Mexicans! And that was the FOX News alert.

We now go live to the White House where president Donald J. Trump is about to hold a joint press conference with the leaders of the Baltic states.

[Cut to the White House press conference. There are Dalia Grybauskaitė, Kersti Kaljulaid and Raimonds Vējonis standing at their podiums. Donald Trump walks in and to his podium.] [cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, hi. How’s it going? Let’s make this quick because I have a lot of trade wars to escalate here, okay? That’s why I just announced tariffs on more Chinese products including fireworks and finger traps. We’ve also expelled the infamous Chinese billionaire P.F. Chang. He is done-zo. Today we’ve got the leaders from Baltic states. We’ve to Estonia, Lithuania and and I wanna say Stankonia. The great Baltic nations. Even in the game monopoly, Baltic avenue was always my favorite property. Except for Oriental avenue which you can’t see anymore. Okay? Now, you have to call it China street. Sad. Very sad. And before I turn over to these freak shows here, I’d just like to read a prepared statement to prove that I can read, okay?

Here we go. God, I hate this. [reading] Do not congratulate Putin. Wait! That’s a note to me. Forget about it. Okay. Reading and go! The United States has special relationship with the Baltic nations. God! I wanna riff so bad. We are so proud to honor the centinen-nenen-neneial (centennial) of their independence from Russia. God, this sucks. Because our nations are truly friends. Okay, thank god that’s over.

Please, time to freestyle. First up, a big congratulations to Vladimir Putin. He won a great, great, very transparent victory in the Russian election. Fantastic job, Putin. Even though no one’s ever been tougher on Russia than I am, including Hitler. Okay, that’s it from me. Let’s do the Baltics quick and get out of here. Gypsy woman, you’re first.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: Okay. Thank you so much to president Donald Trump. Welcoming the nation of Lithuania. We have very much in common–

[Zooming to Donald Trump’s face]

Donald Trump thinking: Oh, my god! I’m already so bored. Argh! I wish I was watching Roseanne. How great is that show? Roseanne loves me. She’s like a good Rosie O’Donnell.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: And we want efficient energy. Or as you might say in America, big bang for your buck.

[Donald Trump starts snoring on the mic. He has fallen asleep.]

So, in conclusion–

Donald Trump thinking: Okay, she’s finally done.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: — thank you to president Trump.

Donald Trump thinking: [clapping] Now, whatever you do. Don’t mention her hair. Don’t mention her hair.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for that great speech. And by the way, your hair is insane. Okay, I think that’s it for you, Zaza. What about you two? Other girl president, Balky from “Perfect Strangers.” I’m just gonna skip them to save some time.

Reporter: Excuse me, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Oh, my god. There are questions too. What is this? A full work day? Okay. Make it quick.

Reporter: You just denied knowing anything about the Stormy Daniel’s pay out. But if that’s true, doesn’t that make her NDA non binding?

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s a toughie. [to Raimonds Vējonis] Borat, you wanna take that one?

Raimonds Vējonis: Me?

Donald Trump: I don’t know. I think that question was for you.

Reporter: It was not for the president of Latvia.

Donald Trump: Give him a chance. Let him answer.

Raimonds Vējonis: Okay. Well, I am not the strongest English speaker. But we have expression in my country and it translates roughly as, [pointing at Donald Trump] “This man is lying.”

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s enough, Latvia. Next question. And guys, let’s try to keep it fun. These three came all the way from Hufflepuff. So, let’s show them a good time. Yeah, you.

Another Reporter: Mr. President, why do you keep attacking Amazon? Do you really hate Jeff Bezos that much?

Donald Trump: I do. I hate Jeff. Because he’s way richer than me and he admits to being bald. So, I feel threatened on two levels. Next question. Let’s mix it up and do a Baltic report this time please.

Another Reporter: [in Russian accent] Yes, my question is why are you sending the national guard to the Mexican border? Doesn’t that seem, how do you say, pointless?

Donald Trump: Wow! Seriously? You’re gonna come at me like that? Do I come to the shoe that you live in? Slap the potato out of your mouth? Okay? Look, we have to keep our border secure. Mexico is sending caravans full of immigrants towards us. And I’ve seen these caravans. Truck after truck, barreling across the desert. The trucks are covered in metal and spikes. There’s a guy strapped in front just wailing away on a flaming guitar. And there are freaky albino dudes shimming around skinny little potholes.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: Mr. President, I believe you are describing the movie “MadMax Fury Road.”

Donald Trump: That’s right. They are some Mad Max-icans. Okay, one more question. Yeah, you.

Another Reporter: Mr. President, are you worried that your tariffs are ruining our economy and your immigration politics have destroyed American standing in the world?

Donald Trump: No, I’m not. I’m not worried at all. Because here’s the thing that no one else is saying and I’m the only one who is willing to actually say this. I don’t care about America. Okay? This whole presidency is a four year cash grab and admitting that will probably give me four more years. But I do not care about any of you. Okay? Basically, that answers all of your questions, okay? does it?

[The reporters all agree] [Now, there’s someone in rabbit costume behind Donald Trump]

Okay. And one more thing, does anyone else see this rabbit? Okay? I’m not the only one who sees that rabbit, right? It’s wearing glasses. Is that real? [looks at the rabbit] Okay. I think this might be a Donnie Darko situation. Fantastic movie by the way. Love Jake Gyllenhaal. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Anderson Cooper White House Turmoil Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Rex Tillerson… John Goodman

Michael Wolf… Fred Armisen

Anthony Scaramucci… Bill Hader

[Starts with Anderson Cooper 360 intro] [Cut to Anderson Cooper in his news set]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening. I’m Anderson Cooper and if you ever wondered what’s whiter than St. Patrick’s day, you’re looking at it. Tonight, a White House making big moves. FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe was out, fired late on Friday, a day before he was able to receive his pension. Here to explain is the man who had to do the firing, attorney general Jeff Sessions.

[Cut to split screen with Anderson Cooper and Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Hello. Look at me. I still got a job.

Anderson Cooper: Sir, can you give us the exact reason McCabe was fired?

Jeff Sessions: Well, yes. Of course. Mr. McCabe was in clear violation because of his lack of candor– what– I don’t know. I can’t even dance around. Trump made me do it. McCabe saw too much. You know?

Anderson Cooper: Okay. So, this was not your decision?

Jeff Sessions: Look, I’m always down to clown but this was sneaky even for me. I’m just a simple man who wanted to make things bad for immigrants. And now, here I am taking away the pension of a Christian white. It ain’t right.

Anderson Cooper: Well, there are rumors that you might be the next to go.

Jeff Sessions: Well, frankly, I can’t believe I lasted this long. I’m like the energizer bunny. I keep going and going and I drink water like this. [making face] But look, y’all need me right now coz if I get fired, it’s gonna launch Robert Mueller right into space. But if I do go, don’t worry. I’m still going to weak havoc. Like Taraji P. Henson said, I can do bad all by myself.

Anderson Cooper: Thank you, Mr. Sessions. [Cut to Anderson Cooper] This week has brought several high profile firing from the Trump administration including secretary of state, Rex Tillerson who joins me now.

[Rex Tillerson is sitting beside Anderson Cooper]

Rex Tillerson: How are you doing? [cheers and applause]

Anderson Cooper: Quite well, sir. Quite well. Now, the way it went down must have been a little embarrassing for you but you’ve been pretty gracious about your exit.

Rex Tillerson: Oh, yeah. It just wasn’t a good fit. But, these things happen.

Anderson Cooper: Now, it was widely reported that you were fired by a tweet from the president.

Rex Tillerson: Well, that’s not true. John Kelly called me personally. He said, “Where are you?” I said, “Sir, that’s private.” He said, “Oh, good. Are you in the toilet? Coz I got some news.”

Anderson Cooper: Are you okay?

Rex Tillerson: I’m– I’m fine. [Rex Tillerson drinks a lot of water] It’s just crazy how one day you’re the CEO of Exxon,  a $50 billion company, and the next day you get fired by a man who used to sell steaks in the mail.

[Rex Tillerson crushes the class he was holding.]

Anderson Cooper: Rex Tillerson is obviously still processing this. [Cut to Anderson Cooper] Joining me now are two people who have a first hand knowledge of White House dysfunction. Fire and Fury author Michael Wolf and Trump’s Communications Director for eleven days, Anthony Scaramucci.

[Cut to Michael Wolf and Anthony Scaramucci] [cheers and applause]

Anthony Scaramucci: How you doing? Hello, it’s me the mooch! Like these threads? It’s for suit made by the Olive garden. Oh!

[Cut to all]

Anderson Cooper: Mr. Scramucci, it’s been a while. What have you been up to lately?

Anthony Scaramucci: Lately? What was I up to before? Nobody knows. The fidget spinner. The Trump White House. I made a big splash. Then one day, everybody was like, “Whoa! What the hell was that about?” Speaking of fading away, Rexi, I’m really sorry about what happened. You and I, we’re kind of the same now.

Rex Tillerson: Ha-ha-ha-ha. No.

Anthony Scaramucci: Still, Rexi, it was a big shock.

Michael Wolf: Oh, please! I knew months ago.

Anderson Cooper: Now Mr. Wolf, you saw the dysfunction of the White House up close. Is it as bad as they say?

Michael Wolf: Oh, it’s worse. Much worse. people don’t know this but Trump would line up his staff and use a laser pointer and circle their love handles everyday.

Anderson Cooper: Wow! Is that really true?

Michael Wolf: [raises his shoulder] Yeah.

Anderson Cooper: Okay. Gentlemen, any insights into–

Rex Tillerson: [yelling] Trump is a moron! Ha-ha-ha. I’m sorry. I just blurted that one out. Whoo! Feels nice to say what I want. Call Jurassic Park coz Rexi is loose.

Anderson Cooper: Yeah. Well, that was very startling. Now, any insight into who’s next to go?

Anthony Scaramucci: Oh, yeah. Jared Kushner is toast, baby. Look, you didn’t hear this from me but the guy is in debt up to his cajones. The Russians, the Saudis, Tommy Toupee down at the Aqueduct. Hold on, you’re not recording this, right?

Anderson Cooper: Yes. We’re on live TV.

Anthony Scaramucci: Oh, Anthony, you stepped in it again. Mabagagoli!

Anderson Cooper: And now that McCabe is out, any insight into who Trump will pick to run the FBI?

Michael Wolf: Right. Well, my sources tell me the job is down to two candidates. Milwaukee sheriff David Clark or the president’s favorite TV detective, Monk.

Anderson Cooper: Are you sure about that?

Michael Wolf: Oh, come on. It sounds right. Doesn’t it?

Anderson Cooper: I suppose.

Michael Wolf: Okay, well, I don’t know. Shut up? It’s all in my new book.

Anderson Cooper: Wait. Hold on. You’re writing another book about the White House? Yeah. And this one’s gonna blow your mind. Now, I’m not in the White House anymore but I have a new source that tells me everything.

Anthony Scaramucci: Oh, yeah, yeah. I heard about this guy. What a rat. Completely off the record, it’s me. Wait, is this being recorded?

Anderson Cooper: Yes. Yes. We’re still on live television.

Anthony Scaramucci: Yei-ga-sheba-gola-gaba-gaga-garli! [to Michael Wolf] You’re not going to mention me by name, right?

Michael Wolf: Of course, I am.

Anthony Scaramucci: You’re gonna make me look good, right?

Michael Wolf: [raises his shoulder] Yeah.

Anthony Scaramucci: I love this guy. I love. [Anthony Scaramucci starts kissing Michael Wolf’s forehead]

Anderson Cooper: Alright. Now let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll have the first returns from the Russian election.

Rex Tillerson: Putin won. Just a hunch.

Anderson Cooper: We’re gonna take a quick break. But first…

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!