Trump Argentina Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 7

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia… Fred Armisen

[Donald is sleepless at night and is standing in the hallway. Melania comes to call Donald to sleep]

Melania Trump: Donald, Donald come to bed.

Donald Trump: Melania, Melania, I’m having trouble sleeping. I keep having this nightmare where I’m walking through a forest of blood.

Melania Trump: No, no, that was just my Christmas decorations. What’s the matter, Donald? Do you not like Argentina?

Donald Trump: No, I love Argentina. There are a bunch of old German guys who are really into what I’m saying there.

Melania Trump: Yes, and our dinner with the Chinese president went well.

Donald Trump: I know, it was hilarious. Every time he said something, I sad in bed.

Melania Trump: Yes. Very funny. So what’s wrong?

Donald Trump: I just can’t stop thinking about this Mueller investigation. Sometimes it almost feels like he’s coming after me.

Melania Trump: Oh, cheer up, Donald! You know worst case scenario. You will go to prison, and you have to transfer your money to me for safe keeping, and I have to hire a jacked hunk to protect me. I mean that’s worse case. In fact, I’m going to go think about that worse case while I soak in the bathtub.

[Melania goes to bath]

Donald Trump: All right. I’ll be in soon, Honey. Oh, Donnie, you’ve really done it this time. Because you got to face all of those European leaders again. They just hate me because I’m a nationalist. What did nationalism ever do to Europe?

[Rudy comes to the screen acting weird]

Rudy Giuliani: Hi, Hi. [Cut to Rudy] [Cut to Rudy and Donald]

Donald Trump: Rudy, where did you come from?

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, I was hanging upside down under the balcony.

Donald Trump: What’s the latest on the mother probe?

Rudy Giuliani: Well, the good news is it’s almost over.

Donald Trump: And the bad news?

Rudy Giuliani: It’s almost over.

Donald Trump: How is my legal defense coming?

Rudy Giuliani: Well, I’m involved, so it’s not great. This might be the first time someone’s lawyer pleads insanity.

Donald Trump: God, I want to fire you, Rudy, but I can’t. You know all of my secrets.

Rudy Giuliani: Yep, and I keep those secrets where no one can find them, on nationally televised interviews. Okay. I need to run some errands before the sunrises. Good night, Donald.

[Rudy opens her hands side, he has bat wings under his arms][Rudy leaves the screen]

Donald Trump: Good-bye, Rudy. All alone again. No one understands me. Who can I call?  Someone who I know will always answer.

[Screen splits. Donald on the left side and Michael on the right side]

Michael Cohen: Yes, hello? Michael Cohen speaking. I’ll tell you anything you want.

Donald Trump: Michael, Michael, it’s Donald.

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, I’m not supposed to be talking to you.

Donald Trump: Come one. Michael.

Michael Cohen: I’m gonna get in trouble.

Donald Trump: But Mikey, Mikey Coco, I need a bowl of my Mikey Coco Puffs.

Michael Cohen: Okay, fine, I can’t say no to my Donald Trump-luphogus.

Donald Trump: There we go. You got to get me out of this. Who can I give up to the feds? What if I put my son Eric in some old age make-up and a fat suit and say it’s me?

Michael Cohen: I’m not sure it will work, sir.

Donald Trump: Trust me, Eric will never catch on.

Michael Cohen: Sorry, Mr.Trump, It’s over.

Donald Trump: Well, Michael, at least there are some things they can never take away from us. Our late night talks.

Michael Cohen: They got them on tape.

Donald Trump: Our vacations to Moscow.

Michael Cohen: They seized the records.

Donald Trump: What about our hairstylist, the blind man with the shaky hands?

Michael Cohen: He died like, months ago.

Donald Trump: I’m sad you’re going to prison, Michael. You were like a son to me.

Michael Cohen: Then why did you make me do so many illegal stuff?

Donald Trump: Because you’re like a son to me. Goodbye, Michael.

[Cut to Donald]

God, I haven’t been this upset since I flipped out over that parking space. How can anyone think I colluded with Russia?

Vladimir Putin: [Vladimir comes in topless]

] Donnie, why are you still up? Come back to bed, babe.

Donald Trump: I’m sorry, I can’t believe you and the crown prince of Saudi Arabia had the whole handshake yesterday.

Vladimir Putin: What that? That meant nothing to me. It was just a totally improvised handshake. I’m not like, bros with him or anything.

[Prince comes in]

Crown Prince: Hey, Vladi Daddy!

Vladimir Putin: Hey, in the end.

Vladimir Putin and Crown Prince: Number one!

Donald Trump: Wait, I thought I was your number one.

Vladimir Putin: Oh, totally. You’re not my side piece. You’re like my main girlfriend, and this guy is like a random hooker.

Crown Prince: Bro, [Cut to Vladimir and Prince] remember when we all race dune buggies last week?

Vladimir Putin: Yeah. And I was like did you really kill that journalist?

Crown Prince: I was like of course, I didn’t, on opposite day!

[Vladimir and Prince are doing their handshake][Cut to everybody]

Donald Trump: Well, Vlad, I’m sorry I had to cancel our meeting.

Vladimir Putin: No, I get it, Donnie. Hey, when am I moving into Trump Tower penthouse in Moscow? No, I’m kidding. I would never set a foot in a dump like that.

Crown Prince: Vladdy, check it. When I killed that guy the other day, Trump  was like, “Oh, please tell me you didn’t do it.” I was like, “Bitch, you want your oil or not?”

[Vladimir and Prince doing high-fives]

Vladimir and Prince: One, two, three, four!

Vladimir Putin: Anyway, you won’t see me for a while, Donnie. I prefer presidents who don’t get indicted.

Crown Prince: Come on, I’ll buy you a llama, and we’ll get it drunk.

Vladimir Putin: Oh, you’re so actually rich, I love you. Peace out.

[Vladimir and Prince leave]

Donald Trump: Wow, who knows what tomorrow will bring? For now, I guess, all I can say is

[Donald starts singing with his arms wide open]

Don’t cry for me Argentina

The truth I’m very guilty

Some little no-nos and maybe treason

But I kept my promise oops no, I didn’t

[Everyone comes into the screen singing]

Everybody: Don’t cry for us Argentina

Melania Trump: The truth is I barely know him

Vladimir and Prince: All through our wild days

Rudy: My mad existence

Michael: It’s just a witch-hunt

Everybody: And we’re all witches

And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Voter Fraud Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 6

Laura Ingraham… Kate McKinnon

Judge Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Marcia Fudge … Leslie Jones

[Ingraham Angle news intro]

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set] Thank you and hello again. I’m Laura Ingraham, and you’re watching ‘The Ingraham Angle’ which re-airs on Telemundo as ‘La Madre Del Diablo.’ Later in the program celebrities in California are whining about some tiny wildfires, while our heroic president is under constant attack from the rain. And we’ll have a tribute to Thanks Giving, the one day of a year when your all right uncle can really shine. But first, let’s talk about the rampant voter fraud that allowed Democrats to literally steal the election. Some have claimed that suburban women revolted against the Republican party, but doesn’t it feel more true that all Hispanics voted twice? You can’t dismiss that idea simply because it isn’t true and sounds insane. In fact, let’s add that to our list of feel facts [Cut to Picture graph on Feel Facts] which aren’t technically facts, but they just feel true. Like, Latinos can have a baby every three months. Santa is Jesus’s dad. If the earth is so warm then why are my feet cold? Blackface is a compliment. If you have less than five guns, you’re a gay.

[Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Now here to explain how rampant this voter fraud has gotten is Pulitzer Prize eligible judge Jenine Pirro.

Jenine: [Cut to Judge Jeanine Pirro speaking] I hate them, Laura!

Laura: Who?

Jenine: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Judge Jeanine Pirro on the right side of the screen] I’m sorry. That’s my vocal warm up.

Laura: Judge, now what specific examples of voter fraud have you uncovered?

Jenine: [Cut to Judge Jeanine Pirro speaking] Well in Georgia, many people were wearing disguises in order to vote multiple times. For example, I saw this man vote in Atlanta. [Cut to Picture of a Black male] Then he went into his car and changed into this woman. [Cut to Same black male dressed as a woman] And [Cut to Judge Jeanine Pirro speaking] he was threatening white voters with a gun and yelling “Hellur.”

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Judge Jeanine Pirro on the right side of the screen]Very disturbing.

Jenine: And apparently there was a huge increase in what people call stacking where multiple children will stack on top of each other under a trench coat and then vote as an adult.

Laura: Wow, fantastic journalism Janine.

Jenine: Duh!

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Of course I have to take a moment to thank my sponsors, the few remaining businesses that are willing to be associated with me. Starting with Fashion Catheters. Got poor control but great style. Fashion Catheters. Now with genuine Swarovski Crystals, ouch! And is your dog still not baptized? Then order Reverend Whitaker’s home dog baptism kit. Because all dogs don’t go to heaven unless they’re properly baptized. And of course, Undersea Airlines. Need to get into the ocean fast? This airline will make sure it happens. The only planes that start on fire. And only want the healthy part of the egg? Try Whites Only. It’s egg whites, and it’s just for us.

Alright, my next guest has been under intense scrutiny for letting Russians use his website to spread lies about candidates. Please welcome Facebook CEO, Mark Zuckerberg.

Mark: [Cut to Mark Zuckerberg in his office] Hey Laura. It’s great to be here. Smile, two, three, four.

Laura: Mark, are you comfortable? [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen]Why are you holding your arms like that?

Mark: Because when I practiced it earlier, there was a table.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Mark, what about the story that Facebook hired the same PR firm that did a vicious smear camping against billionaire George Soros seen here in the Fox News photo. [Cut to Picture of a creature from a Netflix show] Did you know that[Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen] they were behind that campaign?

Mark: Absolutely not, Laura. Blink twice and eyeballs. [Cut to Mark Zuckerberg in his office] The idea we knowingly employed a horrible company makes me laugh, ha, ha, ha.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen]Good job. People say my laugh is chilling. And how are you adjusting to demands for Facebook to become more transparent?

Mark: [Cut to Mark Zuckerberg in his office] I can’t be any more transparent. Have you seen my skin? Ha, ha, ha. If I were more transparent, I would be clear. Seriously, I kid. I think the problem is when I do bad things, I get money. What? Ha, ha, dab, dab.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen] Yikes for that. Thank you, Mark. [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Democrats will soon be deciding who’s going to be the speaker of the house. Here to comment is diverse Congresswoman from Ohio. Please welcome representative Marcia Fudge.

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Hi, Laura. I’m sorry. Did you refer to me as diverse?

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Marcia Fudge on the right side of the screen] Probably not. Now, Congresswoman fudge, you’re challenging Nancy Pelosi for speaker of the house. Why do you think Nancy Pelosi has to go?

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Nancy Pelosi is tainted. For years the GOP has used her name against us. But Republicans could never find a way to make fun of me, a middle-aged black woman named Fudge.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Funny. And do you think Nancy Pelosi, seen here in the recent documentary about her, “The nun,” [Cut to Poster picture of the movie ‘The Nun’] do you think she’ll give up the chance to be speaker of the house?

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Look, I love Nancy Pelosi, and I’m not saying she’s old, but her baby sister is a redwood tree. When she started her title was ‘Speaker Of the Cave.’ Somebody give me a microphone. That bitch is so old, when she was born, the doctors said, “The first girl!” She just calls the old testament, the testament. She’s so old; her birthstone is Rosetta!

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Marcia Fudge on the right side of the screen] Okay. I think we understand, Marcia.

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Okay. I’m done. And the other reason I should be speaker is that I can help mobilize the black vote.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Marcia Fudge on the right side of the screen] Uh-oh. The phrase ‘mobilize the black vote’ has set off our fire, Fox News ‘The country is changing’ alarms. Marcia, what do you think of that?

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] I think that you’re lucky we in a remote interview because if I was there in person, I would knock the fudge out of you.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Well, alright, let’s take a break and hear from our sponsors. Like Teeny Tiny Turkey. Have you alienated everyone in your life? Have thanksgiving for one with the Teeny Tiny Turkey. We swear it ain’t a pigeon. And Cash for Organs. You don’t need all those organs. Plus, Volkswagen: You know why. And finally, it’s White Chess where all the pieces are white, and everybody wins. When we come back, part two of my interview with the self-proclaimed vape god, a real person I had on my show.

Vape God: [Cut to Pete Davidson as a Vape god] Y’all what up. I’m ready to talk politics and rip some fat clouds.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Vape god on the right side of the screen] And you’re not trolling me, right? You’re a real expert on E-cig laws?

Vape God: Oh for sure. I got that swag. I got that drip.

Laura: And our producers have fully vetted you? Because we bumped Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas to speak with you.

Vape God: [Cut to Vape God speaking] Then you made the right choice. My puff puff game dilly dilly.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Vape god on the right side of the screen] This is great! Now, finally, a Millennial who’s speaking my language. Much more with that gentleman. When we return.

Vape God: I’ll have my dong out.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] I can’t wait. It sounds goo and live from New York; it’s Saturday Night.