Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Colin Jost, Michael Che

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With temperatures in the 70s, spring has officially come to New York. Here to talk about his favorite season is our own Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Wad up, man? Hi, Michael.

Michael Che: Hi, Pete.

Pete Davidson: So I actually kind of lied. I’m not really gonna talk about spring. I just needed a way to get out here so I could talk about what’s really on my mind. Which is that you guys are hosting the Emmy’s this year. [cheers and applause] Relax! I’m a little sick about it. No, it’s bad enough watching you guys strut around this place with all your accomplishments. Head writers, update hosts, [pointing at Colin Jost] Harvard, [pointing at Michael Che] black. You got it all, man. Who made this decision? What did that sound like? “Any idea for a host this year? How about less entertaining version of Riggs and Murtaugh?

Michael Che: Alright, that’s-

Pete Davidson: No, I’m kidding. No, I think it’s great that Emmy hosts now are just cute friends. That’s awesome. How’s hosting next year? Squirrel and a cat? No, I know what happened. America saw you read a joke [pointing at Colin Jost] and then you read a different joke [pointing at Michael Che], and they were like, “What a chemistry!”

Michael Che: Pete, are you jealous?

Pete Davidson: No. I’m not jealous because it’s actually the worst job you can get in the show business. I just mad that you guys get to do it. I never would have done it but I would have done it if I knew it would keep you guys from doing it. Does that make sense? But seriously guys, how does it taste, boys?

Michael Che: What?

Colin Jost: Don’t ask.

Michael Che: How does what taste?

Pete Davidson: Warren Littlefield’s nuts! He runs NBC, I looked it up. How else are you getting these jobs? I know you’re doing the boss.

Michael Che: Pete, Warren Littlefield hasn’t worked in like, 20 years.

Pete Davidson: Well, South West needs to get some new magazine.

Michael Che: What is your life, man?

Pete Davidson: Well, who cares? I went to the Emmy’s last year and it sucked. So, it doesn’t matter. Some guy just gets on stage wearing a funny hat. And everyone claps. And they just read off names forever. And the biggest nerd in the class gets to give a speech. It’s a ton of crap.

Michael Che: Pete, that sounds like a high school graduation. You didn’t even go to the Emmy’s last year.

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah. I didn’t. No, it still sucked though.

Michael Che: It did? Pete, you know, if it makes you so mad that we’re hosting, you don’t have to watch.

Pete Davidson: Not watch and not support my friends? What do you think? I’m a monster? No, seriously guys, you know, you’re not just my friends. You’re my mentors. And I can’t wait to watch you guys hit it out on a park on your big night.

Michael Che: Aw, thanks man. Pete Davidson, everybody.

Pete Davidson: I hope they fail.

Weekend Update on Vet Who Smuggled Heroin in Puppies

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There are pictures of dogs and Colombian flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Columbian veterinarian has been charged with allegedly smuggling heroin inside of puppies. This according to the very dark sequel to the “Secret Life of Pets.”

[Cut to Michael Che There’ a picture of Kim Jong-Un and Moon Jae-in at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During the historic summit between Kim Jong-Un and the leader of South Korea, Kim Jong-Un brought his own personal toilet to the meeting. Worse, the toilet was an uncle who betrayed him.

[Picture changes to Kanye West] [looks at Kanye West’s picture] Pass!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of 7Eleven at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: As 7Eleven in California is trying to keep people from begging for money outside of the store by loudly playing classical music. Unfortunately, it’s only making the vagrants smarter.

[Picture changes to a police car]

A man in Kansas was arrested after he was caught having sex with a tailpipe of a car. The sex was described as “exhausting.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a police car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A California man was arrested after being accused of waterboarding his wife. Still no word on where the remote control is.

Weekend Update on Rudy Giuliani’s Confessions

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hi. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of White House at left top corner.]

Well, the clock might be running out on Trump’s presidency. So, you know what that means. They’re finally putting in Rudy. [Picture changes to Rudy wearing a substitute jersey.] But instead of making a great play, this Rudy immediately tackled his own quarterback. [Picture changes to Donald Trump.] [Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani’s interview on FOX News.]

Giuliani appeared on FOX News and straight up admitted that Trump knew about the Stormy Daniels payment which is maybe the best confession I’ve seen on TV that didn’t end with “Created by Dick Wolf.” The Stormy Daniels payment has turned out to be the loudest hush money in history. And during his Kings of Dementia comedy tour, Giuliani also said that the hush money was “funneled through a law firm.” Dude, funneled is not typically a word innocent people use when talking about money. No one says, “Yeah, my grandma funneled me $5 on my birthday.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are picture of Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani and Michael Cohen at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rudy Giuliani is claiming that president Trump only learned a week ago that he was reimbursing Michael Cohen’s payment to Stormy Daniels in $35,000 installments. I have a couple of questions. Like, what kind of billionaire pays for stuff in installments? You’re the president of the United States. Why are you paying for sex like it’s a nordictrack? And how did you all land on $130,000. That’s such an oddly specific number. I asked Stormy to come on Update and explain it but her agent said no because if she’s seen on camera with a black guy, her price goes down.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s are pictures of Stormy Daniels and at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: That was so far. Michael Avenatti, the lawyer for Stormy Daniels said that he was speechless after Giuliani said that Trump reimbursed Michael Cohen. In fact Avenatti was so speechless that night, he only appeared on 20 shows on six different networks.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald trump and Robert Mueller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York times has published a list of 49 questions that Robert Mueller reportedly wants to ask president Trump. The first one is, “Colluder says what? Ah!” Trump is calling this probe a trap but questions are only a trap if you’re lying. If you would ask your husband, “Where were you last night?” and he says, “Bitch, you trying to trap me?” He’s probably lying.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Donald trump and Robert Mueller at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And let’s just be clear about this. Trump and his legal team are clearly the ones who leaked these questions. And I figured out why. Trump’s been so desperate to find a decent lawyer that at this point he’s just crowdsourcing his legal strategy. He’s just throwing the Mueller questions out there like, “How do you guys think I should respond?” It’s basically the same strategy Lay’s use to pick a new potato chip flavor. Which could be a smart approach for Trump or he could end up like Lays with biscuits and gravy.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of FBI logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: If I may ask the FBI directly, why is this taking so long? I mean, look at Trump’s team. You can’t beat them? They look like they have a commercial that goes, “Have you been hurt in a triple four? Even if you don’t have enough evidence, just frame them. Whatever happened to that? Are there different FBIs for white people and black people? Coz if the FBI was this incompetent against us, Martin Luther King would have died a lot later, peacefully in his bed on top of his mistress.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Harold Bornstein at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, president’s former doctor who by the way I loved on “Twin Peaks” said that the 2015 letter which described Trump as the healthiest individual ever elected president was dictated by Trump himself. Which also explains why Trump’s blood pressure was listed as “Haters over losers.”

[Picture changes to Ty Cobb]

White House lawyer Ty Cobb has announced that he will be stepping down at the end of May. Cobb will return to his old job of challenging you to a hot-air balloon race around the world.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Facebook announced that they’ll add a dating feature to their mobile app competing with apps like Tinder and OkCupid. Here with her thoughts is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Whooo! What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: How’s it going, Leslie? So, you think you’re gonna use this new dating app on Facebook?

Leslie Jones: Hell, no. Because the truth is I pick the worst men. But that’s because there are so many bad men to choose from. Coz they always thinking with their penis, right?

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. We sure do.

[Leslie Jones stares at Colin Jost angrily]

Leslie Jones: Shut up. And I have dated some terrible men. But what I learn is that I’m not attracting these men. I am picking these men. But that is tonight. So, I wanna have a tribute to all the ragly ass men who I thought I could rescue like the dogs they were. But I couldn’t. And let me tell you these stories are real. But the pictures are fake to protect the innocent. Ain’t nobody innocent.

[melodic music playing in the background] [singing] In the arms of an angel
fly away from here

[A man’s picture appears in the screen]

Stacey. I bought that man groceries one time. [Cut back to Weekend Update set] This man is 30 years old, y’all. I brought the groceries to his house and his mama whose house he lived in put her hand on my shoulder and whispered, “I had that boy. And I know you can do much better.”

[Another man’s picture appears in the screen]

Rodney, he had four kids and six babies mamas. [Cut back to Weekend Update set] I don’t even know how math work on that. And then he had the nerve to tell me that he had a part time job. Well, you got a full time family, Rodney! And they need your ass to work, not to be a rapper who works at Panera Bread.

[singing] In the arms of an angel
fly away from here

[Another man’s picture appears in the screen]

Chester. [Cut back to Weekend Update set] He picked me up for a date and I didn’t even know he was homeless. Even though he had all of his stuff in the back of his car. I was like, “So you ride around with a toaster and an iron back there?” And he said, “I was moving.” Well, by the end of the day, I found that he was moving in with me.

[Another black man’s picture appears in the screen]

Cimor. [Cut back to Weekend Update set] I met his ass in Jamaica. But I Jamaica a mistake-a. He said he was going to teach me a few things but all he taught me was how to cry in hotel rooms. Boy, you think you don’t like hearing people have sex through the wall of your hotel? Well, try listening to a bitch cry for six hours while playing Mary J. Blige.

[singing] In the arms of an angel

[Colin Jost’s picture appears in the screen]

Colin. [Cut back to Weekend Update set] He was so cute and sweet and kind but it would never work because he gay.

Colin Jost: I am not gay. I told you, I have a girlfriend.

Leslie Jones: And I have told you that I am not acknowledging that bitch. You need to prove that you are not gay or I’m going to keep telling everybody that you are.

[singing] fly away from here

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone.

Leslie Jones: [yelling] Chester, call me. I got a new apartment.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- LaVar Ball on Lonzo’s Year

Michael Che

LaVar Ball… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The NBA Playoff started today and one team that won’t be playing is the Los Angeles Lakers and their rookie Lonzo Ball. Here to comment is Lonzo’s outspoken father, LaVar Ball.

[LaVar Ball slides in] [cheers and applause]

LaVar Ball: Alright. Okay. How you doing, Michael? Me? I’m incredible. What a year for Lonzo.

Michael Che: I mean, he did fine.

LaVar Ball: Fine? Stop talking out your neck. My boy averaged 50 points a game.

Michael Che: No, he didn’t.

LaVar Ball: 100 assists. 500 touchdowns. And he was just certified 100% fresh by Rotten Tomatoes. Never lost.

Michael Che: Well, Lonzo actually averaged 10 points a game making him not even a best rookie on his own team. Kyle Kuzma averaged way more point than that.

LaVar Ball: [squeaky voice] Man, don’t– don’t do me about no Kyle Kuzma. He just keeping that seed warm on that Laker bench until my other sons get there. LiAngelo, Lamelo and my long lost Mexican son, LaBibliya-teka.

Michael Che: Now, none of your sons are projected to be NBA draft picks.

LaVar Ball: Lies!

Michael Che: I also read that you started your own league for young players called The Junior Basketball Association?

LaVar Ball: You damn right! My own league. Only real ballers need apply. You think you got what it takes? Then bring your A game to tryout this week at the first Korean Baptist church at Temecula. Cuz the JBA will feature the future all stars of America.

Michael Che: Do you have any top high school players signed up?

LaVar Ball: Not a one. But we got some hot prospects. We got a kid who can drain buckets like you wouldn’t believe. He’s athletic. He’s quick. And he’s 51 years old and he’s my cousin. We also got a mailman wearing compression socks, a Dominican dishwasher in blue jeans, and just to keep things interesting, an unclaimed rottweiler running around all willy-nilly.

Michael Che: You’re hoping this league will be like the NBA?

LaVar Ball: Oh, man. It’s gonna be better than the NBA. Players in my JBA will live the big baller lifestyle. You’ll be taken around the country courtesy of pizza pan bus line, where you will stay at a hotel so super they named it A. Free cable. No NBO. Every room exits to the street. And a contenti-nental breakfast with up to three cereals fresh from the screw tap. Regular mini-wheats only. Never frosted. Never with the frost.

Michael Che: Starting a league is tough. What makes you think you’ll be successful?

LaVar Ball: Because I’m the best businessman in the world. I’m currently worth $1 brillion. Let me show you my latest venture, Michael. You got a pair of big baller Zo-To? Well, you don’t have the hottest shoe of the summer. Presenting the Zo-T-Bop. [LaVar Ball pulls out a pair of sandals] That’s right. [Michael Che laughing]

Michael Che: Oh, yeah.

LaVar Ball: Only $500 a pair. Light weight. Breathable. And with a back strap that will leave your heel raw as hell. Never enough bandaids. Never enough band to the aids.

Michael Che: Man, those are just sandals.

LaVar Ball: Man, you say tomato, I say this tomato costs $500. And these are more than shoes, Michael. Look at em’. The sole gets as hot as the Devil’s booty hole. You could fry egg on em’. As a matter of fact! [LaVar Ball pulls out another sandal to the pair. There’s a poached egg on it.] This one is ready, Michael! You want an egg?

Michael Che: Sure!

LaVar Ball: That will be $6,000.

Michael Che: No! LaVar Ball, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Laura Ingraham

Colin Jost

Laura Ingram… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, Red Lobster, Blue Apron and Slim Fast join the adviser boycott against FOX News host Laura Ingram after she mocked Parkland survivor David Hogg for getting rejected from four colleges. She’s back on her show after her fourth hiatus. Here to comment is Laura Ingram.

[Laura Ingram slides in] [cheers and applause]

Laura Ingram: Hey! Hey. Hi, Colin. Thank you. Thank you so much. Hi. Thanks for having me.

Colin Jost: You’re welcome. You’re welcome. And, congratulations on returning to your show.

Laura Ingram: Thank you. It’s so good to be back after that planned vacation. It was so fun and so planned and it’s so scheduled a long time ago. The important thing is I’m back. And I’m not gonna cave to bullying from the tolerant left. I don’t care if I lost a couple of sponsors.

Colin Jost: Well, so far you’ve lost 27.

Laura Ingram: Yeah. And all because I trolled a traumatized teen. After spewing venom for decades, Twitter suddenly has made me accountable [coughs]. Okay. You know what? That can’t keep me down. Coz I’m really excited about some of my new sponsors. Like, Carl’s Sr., leftover Carl’s Jr. food ground to mush for old people. Umm, Carl’s Sr. And Your Pillow. From the makers of My Pillow, send us your pillow, we need more pillow. Or how about Shkreli’s Jelly? It’s just Jelly that’s $8,000 a jar.

Colin Jost: Are those real products, Laura?

Laura Ingram: Yup. You see, the totalitarian left can attack me all they want. But I’ll continue to defend the first amendment. That’s my right to bully people without being bullied in return. Right, Colin?

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s not how it works, Laura.

Laura Ingram: Yeah, fine. Just look, don’t boycott my show. Our country is so divided right now and I’m an important part of that. Let’s move on. You know I’m gonna say something worse. Why don’t you just watch a show and find out what that’s gonna be? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to mention more of my sponsors. Like, Lady Bump Stock. The light weight Bump Stocks for delicate hands. And reverse Mortgage. We’ll take that house now. And how about Malaysian Airlines, caught in a scandal and need an escape? Malaysian Airlines.

Colin Jost: Okay. Okay. Laura, I really– [Laura raises her both hands to her shoulder levels mimicking an airplane] Don’t do the act of Malaysian Airlines.

Laura Ingram: What?

Colin Jost: What? I don’t think those are real sponsors.

Laura Ingram: What do you want me to say? Look, I’m getting ponned by teenagers. Am I using that right? Ponned?

Colin Jost: I don’t know. I don’t really know. I definitely don’t know.

Laura Ingram: I don’t understand anything anymore. I mean Emma Gonzalez looks like some bad ass super hero trying to change the world. But when I in high school, it was bad to try. I said I wanted to try art and I got kicked in the face. But I didn’t say I was getting bullied. I just grew up into this. [pointing at herself] But you now who’s not afraid to sponsor this? Cream Soda. The soda for whites. You got the white one, baby.

Colin Jost: Okay. Okay. Alright. Laura, I think that’s enough. Alright.

Laura Ingram: Can I say one more thing about the Parkland kids?

Colin Jost: No! That’s what got you in trouble!

Laura Ingram: Okay, fine. Whatever.

Colin Jost: Laura Ingram, everyone.

Michael Che: I always knew white people loved cream soda.

Weekend Update on Oklahoma Teacher’s Arrest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of police car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A teacher in Oklahoma who was participating in the state wide teacher walkout was arrested for having sex with a student. Worse, she had to pay for her own supplies. [picture changes to condoms.] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bill Cosby at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: For shame.

Michael Che: You’re wrong about that.

Colin Jost: A topless woman was arrested outside of Bill Cosby’s sexual assault trial after she jumped a barrier and charged at the comedian. Responded Cosby, “Ah, I think I’m gonna like court.”

[Picture changes to Mark Zuckerberg at left top corner.]

This week, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg testified before congress for a total of 10 hours and exactly zero blinks. I don’t understand why he needed a congressional hearing to find out that Facebook is selling our data. I mean, they have to make money somehow. We use Facebook every single day for free. Would you rather get a monthly bill and have to go through it like, “There’s no way that I clicked on a 147 ‘Dog Befriends Turtle’ pictures.” People have to realize that everything you do on the internet has consequences. It’s like sending a picture of your penis and thinking, “She won’t forward this to all her friends, right? I mean, I’m Brett Favre.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a woman doing yoga at right top corner. There’s a baby goat beside her.]

Michael Che: A new yoga class is being offered in New York in which people exercise with goats. The way it works is, it doesn’t.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are picture os Argentinian flag and marijuana leaf at right top corner. Colin Jost is looking down going through the papers. Suddenly, he looks at the camera laughing.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] I did not know it was coming back to me.

Michael Che: Slides, dude!

Colin Jost: I did not know it was coming back to me. Eight police officers in Argentina were fired after more than a ton of marijuana disappeared from a warehouse and they claimed it was eaten by mice. For reference, this is what a mouse who ate one ton of marijuana would look like. [Picture changes to Miley Cyrus wearing mouse dress.] [Picture changes to an alarm clock.]

According to a new study, people who stay up late at night are more likely to have psychological disorders and an increased risk of dying. So, if you’re watching this live right now, I’ll see your crazy ass in hell.

Weekend Update on Michael Cohen Raid

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening everyone.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Well, Donald Trump has had a really, really tough week but you know what? I think I’m still gonna make fun of him.

[Picture changes to Michael Cohen]

The FBI raided the home, office and hotel room of President Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen this week. Authorities first became suspicious of Cohen when they found out he was the lawyer for Donald Trump. This does not look good for Trump. If being black has taught me anything, it’s that when the feds come kicking at your door, they got something. FBI raids are like when a girl goes through your phone. She is only doing it to confirm whatever she already knows.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are pictures of Michael Cohen and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And Michael Cohen raid is being called historic. It’s amazing how we keep hearing historic in reference to things that happening during Trump’s administration and non of them are positive. Historic has become a polite way of saying, “Unbelievably terrible.” Like, “Wow, the Cleveland Browns are having another historic season. Or if you walk out of the bathroom and you say, “You better give it a minute. I just did something historic.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and map of Syria at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump ordered an airstrike on Syria Friday night, so I guess we’re at war now too. Yay! These Trump stories are so random and insane, I feel like contestant on chopped. What the hell am I supposed to do with all these ingredients? I mean, I knew he was going to try to create a distraction but I thought it would be something small. Like, tweeting the N word at Tristan Thompson. I didn’t know he was going to put us in a full war. Plus, isn’t he going to jail soon? He shouldn’t be signing us up for stuff. He should be kissing us on the forehead and telling us to take care of mommy. [Picture changes to Mike Pence] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of James Comey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In his memoir “A higher loyalty”, James Comey calls president Trump ego drive and said that he is untethered to truth. The book was co-authored by Captain Obvious.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet]

President Trump responded to the claims in Comey’s new memoir calling him a leaker and a liar. Which coincidentally is also the name of the video the Russians have.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and James Comey’s memoir at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to James Comey’s new memoir, president Trump denied allegations in the Russian dossier saying, “I’m a germaphobe. There’s no way I will let people pee on each other around me.” First of all, you can’t call yourself a germaphobe when you’re out there raw dogging pornstars. Also, paying hookers to pee on each other while you hang back and watch is exactly something a germaphobe would do. Sidebar, am I the only one that thinks the president being into pee-pee is, I don’t know, kind of charming? Yeah? I mean, it’s humanizing. Like, remember when we saw that video of Obama playing basketball and we were like, “Oh, wow. He’s just like us.” It’s the same thing but like, times two.

Weekend Update- Mark Zuckerberg on Cambridge Analytica

Colin Jost

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Next week, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg will testify before congress about Facebook’s alleged mishandling millions of users’ data. Here to comment, is Mark Zuckerberg.

[Mark Zuckerberg slides in] [cheers and applause]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hello, Colin. Begin eye contact. [looks at Colin Jost] Two, three, and away. [looks at the camera] Nailed it.

[Michael Che laughing]

Colin Jost: Wow. That was great, Mark. Thanks for being here. You know, a lot of people now are calling on you to resign from Facebook. Are you gonna step down?

Mark Zuckerberg: No way, homie.  Because according to our datasets, I don’t have to and you can’t make me. But I do recognize that Facebook has mishandled our user’s private data. And tonight, I’d like to apologize to 87 million of you. One by one. I’m sorry, Ethan Cooper of Van Nuys, California for disclosing that you frequently visit your ex girlfriend’s photo album titled Cancun 2010, specially one photo for average of 2.3 minutes.

Colin Jost: See, I think that’s the kind of info people don’t want out there. Like, why would anyone–

[Mark Zuckerberg pokes Colin Jost]

Mark Zuckerberg: Poke. Poke. Remember that feature? Poke. Poke. Ha-ha. It was flirting for cowards. Hey, remember? They made a movie about me. Yeah. It was called “Gladiator.” Hah! That’s a joke. Funny, huh Colin? Hah!

Colin Jost: Are you laughing or screaming?

Mark Zuckerberg: Absolutely, homie. Look, unlike my facial expression, Facebook is going to change.

Colin Jost: That’s great. So, users will be able to delete their data?

Mark Zuckerberg: Pfft, no.

Colin Jost: Not? Why not?

Mark Zuckerberg: Because it’s mine. You gave it to me. No backsies. And if you don’t like it, you can suck it. Hah! Hah! Hah! Hey, Colin, remember we were best friends at Harvard?

Colin Jost: No, we were not friends.

Mark Zuckerberg: Yeah. I remember. I was like, “I can’t steal Winklevoss’s idea.” And you were like, “Do it nerd. I dare you.”

Colin Jost: No, I did not say that.

Mark Zuckerberg: Anyway. I took your advice and now I’m rich. Dab! My point is, sure. Maybe Facebook sold out our democracy to Russian troll farms. My bad? But on the other hand, Farmville! To be honest, I feel great about Facebook’s future. I sleep easy at night upside down in my pressurized sleep egg. And sure, I still have all your photos, your memories, your unspoken thoughts and fears. But America, look me in my shark eyes when I say this, that on behalf of everyone at Facebook, I am sorry… opposite day. Hah! Hah! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: Mark Zuckerberg, everyone.

Mark Zuckerberg: Dab! I’m dabbing.

Weekend Update- Angel on the Royal Wedding

Michael Che

Angel… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, there’s been a lot of series of stories in the news this week. But here with Weekend Update’s good news report is every boxer’s girlfriend from every movie about boxing ever, Angel.

[Angel slides in] [Cheers and applause]

Hey, Angel, how are you?

Angel: [cracking voice] I’m doing my best.

Michael Che: Hey, you seem kind of upset.

Angel: Yeah, well, it’s the weekend. So, guess who’s gonna fight.

Michael Che: Your boyfriend?

Angel: Yeah. That’s right. Tommy is fighting.

Michael Che: Are you going?

Angel: No. I’m not going, okay? I will not be at that ring and I will not be at my house. But I will be at a house, and that house belongs to my sister because I’m taking my kids to my sister’s.

Michael Che: Okay, Angel. Let’s talk about some good news. Are you excited for the royal wedding?

Angel: Oh, god!

Michael Che: What did I say?

Angel: Oh, yeah. Make a Meghan Markle. You think you’re marrying a prince on a white horse? Yeah. That’s what I thought. Until my prince riding on a white stretcher, alright? Fairytale’s over. You know, I may buy most of my groceries at a gas station, but I’m a good mom to my kids. Mikey, Mickey, Pepper and my precious baby Keno.

Michael Che: You named your son Keno?

Angel: Daughter. So, if Meghan Markle decides to walk down that isle, I won’t be at that royal wedding.

Michael Che: Were you even invited?

Angel: Doesn’t matter coz I’m taking my kids to my sister’s. Did you hear? Did you hear me, Michael?

Michael Che: Yeah, I heard you.

Angel: Did Colin? Coz I want Colin in the loop.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I’m hearing everything you’re saying.

Michael Che: Hey, this is a fun story. So, this week a woman donated $1 million to Washington State Parks–

Angel: Oh! Washing State Parks. Yeah. Are you kidding me? You think just because you win a little prize money, suddenly everything’s gonna be okay? All the money in the world ain’t gonna change what’s coming to you. That’s right, global warming. And when climate change knocks you out, Washington State Parks, I’m not gonna be there. I’m gonna be at 555 Whiney Bulger way.

Michael Che: And that is–

Angel: My sister’s, alright? And I’d go to my brother’s but he is in prison and his wife’s a bitch.

Michael Che: Yeah. We should probably move on. Did you hear Roseanne is back?

Angel: Oh, what? What? I thought they retired that show in the 90s.

Michael Che: Yeah.

Angel: But now they’re gonna bring it back? And I’m supposed to believe that it’s different just coz Darlene’s got a gay son? No, I don’t need no fancy reboot, alright? I’m ride or die. I still watch “Fraiser” at VHS. Yeah.

Michael Che: Hey, Angel, I was just wondering. Where are your kids right now?

Angel: Oh, you sick Michael. At my sister’s.

Michael Che: Every boxer’s girlfriend, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.