Weekend Update- Donald Trump Swears-In

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Hey, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Well, on Friday, half of America had to go out and buy a new TV. [picture changes to a broken TV] Donald Trump was sworn in as the 45th president of the United States. Many have noted that the crowd at the inauguration was smaller than usual but you can’t expect people to stand outside in the cold rain, knowing they’re about to lose their healthcare. My favorite part was watching the reaction to Trump’s speech like this one. [Picture of Michelle Obama looking unimpressed] You know, they say a picture says a thousand words. This picture of Michelle Obama only says one. “Mm!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of inaugural concert at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: On Thursday, an inaugural concert featuring Three Doors Down, Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith was held in front of the Lincoln Memorial. It was the second worst live performance Lincoln has ever attended.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump was sworn in as president using two bibles. Abraham Lincoln’s bible from 1860 and Trump’s personal bible still in it’s original wrapping.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump described Washington as a small group of elitists who prospered at the expense of the American people. But I”m sure that’s going to change now that his cabinet of bankers and oil tycoons are in charge. [Picture changes to Michelle Obama] “Mm!”

[Picture changes to people on protest]

There were massive protests during the inauguration and some of them even became violent like when [picture changes to Richard Spencer] famous white nationalist and all around fun guy Richard Spencer got socked in the face just for living. Look at this.

[Cut to video clip of Richard Spencer]

Richard Spencer: It’s a Pepe’s become a kind of a symbol– [Richard gets sucker punched by a protestor] [Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Oh, man, that just makes me so sad. [laughing] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sean Spicer]

Colin Jost: Just hours ago, Sean Spicer made his first appearance as White House press secretary. He seemed a little defensive about how many people came to watch Trump’s inauguration.

[Cut to Sean Spicer speaking in inauguration]

Sean Spicer: This is the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration, period.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Here’s how we know he’s lying. In addition to photographic evidence. I don’t trust anyone who ends a sentence with a word ‘period’. Imagine if someone said, “Look, I’m a doctor. Period.” I’ll be like, “I don’t think this van is a real hospital.”

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

Outgoing president Barack Obama gave his final press conference on Wednesday. He told the American people, “I think we are going to be okay,” which sounds comforting but remember, “It’s gonna be okay” is also what George tells Lenny at the end of “Of Mice and Men”.

In total during his two terms in office, president Obama commuted the prison sentences of record, one385 future democrats.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of women’s march at right top corner]

Michael Che: The women’s march in Washington was held today. It is estimated that the turnout was twice as big as the inauguration. But you know, size doesn’t matter. Am I right, ladies? No? I’m not right? It’s the number one thing? Oh! Okay. It was an amazing show of support for feminism. But some feminist groups were actually asked not to march because of pro life views. Which raises the question, what makes feminist a feminist? It’s confusing. It’s confusing. My mother raised seven kids by herself. She’s the strongest woman I know. I asked her if she was a feminist and she said, “Boy, god made Adam and Eve.” And I was like, that’s not what that means. A feminist is really just someone who believes in equal rights for women. And that’s easy to get behind… that is until you see a feminist screaming into a cop’s face wearing a home made uterus hat and you’re like, “Oh, there are levels to this.” I just think it’s weird to get a special name for just being a reasonable person. That’s all it is. Believing in equality just means you’re not a dick. And for me, that’s enough. I support women’s rights for the same reason I won’t let my cousin rob Colin. It’s because I’m not a dick.

Weekend Update on Hamilton’s Handwritten Letters

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a stone at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Scientists in Britain have uncovered a 4,000 year old etching of a face in a rock, which may be the first stone age selfie, or, hear me out, it isn’t.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of  Alexander Hamilton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Handwritten letters by founding father Alexander Hamilton were sold at auction for more than $2 million. And you know they are authentic because they all being- [in accent] “Yo, my name is Hamilton and I’m here to say…”

[Picture changes to McDonald’s]

Michael Che: This is why my cousin was gonna rob you. [Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: It’s the best I got. McDonald’s has announced that it will be offering two new versions of Big Mac, one for each type of diabetes.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Earth at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that the global temperature has reached a record high and the bumblebee has been added to the endangered species list which is alarming. But it’s hard to get people to freak about bees dying or global warming because everyone loves warm weather and they hate bees. Maybe if it were the other way around, people would actually start getting involved. Maybe if the weather report in Miami was like, “Yo, tomorrow’s gonna a high of 8 degrees and mad bees.” It’s just certain things just feels too overwhelming to take on. Like, when you learn the consequences of climate change and the extinction of bees, you have two options. You can either A, ignore it and hope it works itself out, or B, become the guy that bring up bumblebees on a first date. The girl asked you, “So what do you do?” “Well, I dedicated my entire life to preserving the bumblebee.” And she’s just sitting there like, [picture changes to Michelle Obama] “Mm!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a car and a handcuffs at left top corner.

Colin Jost: A couple in Maryland were arrested after they were discovered having sex in their car while two kids were in the back seat. Worse, the kids kept asking, “Are you there yet?”

[Michael Che laughing] [picture changes to Ringling Bros and Barnum Bailey logo]

It was announced that after more than 140 years, the Ringling brothers circus will close in may due to falling ticket sales and protests from animal rights groups. The animals will be released in a sanctuaries while the clowns will be released into the woods.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones about Black History

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

 Colin Jost: The movie ‘Hidden Figures’ which tells the true story of black female engineers in 1960s NAS is being called this year’s breakout film. Here to talk about it is Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in] [cheers and applause]

 Leslie Jones: Woo! Thank you. Thank you, Colin.

 Colin Jost: It’s nice to see you, Leslie. So, you saw ‘Hidden Figures’?

 Leslie Jones: Yes, I did. And I have to admit that I almost didn’t watch it. I thought it was going to be ‘The Help’ in space.

 Colin Jost: Yeah. You konw, it’s not ‘The Help’ in space.

 Leslie Jones: I know it’s not, you creamy slice of provolone cheese.

 Colin Jost: Provolone cheese?

 Leslie Jones: [getting serious] I like cheese! [Colin Jost stays quiet] [Cut to Leslie Jones] But I am so glad I watched the movie. It taught me something I never knew. Black women helped astronauts go to space. Why didn’t they teach me that in school? Okay? If I had known that as a kid, who knows where I would be?

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

 Colin Jost: So you think you might have gone to space?

 Leslie Jones: Hell no. It’s cold and scary up there. Space is where the predator comes from. [Cut to Leslie Jones] But here’s my issue. We cram all of the black history into just one month. All we have time for is George Washington Carver and all his peanut stuff. We should learn all black history, all through the year around and each it to everybody. Like, did y’all know a black man invented the traffic light? I just learned that. Maybe I would have respected the traffic light more if I knew those signals was coming from a brother, you know? If I knew the red light was saying ‘stop, sister’, or yellow light was saying, ‘slow down, baby’, or the green was like, ‘push through, boo.’ And get this, a black person invented the mailbox. Now, how did y’all miss that one, white people? Didn’t you see letters laying on the ground and just didn’t think, “There’s got to be a better way.” We more than this peanut stuff.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Now let me blow your mind. You ready for me to blow your mind?

 Colin Jost: Yeah. Sure. Yeah, go ahead.

 Leslie Jones: The lone ranger was black. The lone ranger, Colin! [Cut to Leslie Jones] Now, you know how I found out he was black, right? By watching my favorite show ‘Timeless’ on NBC, Monday nights at 10 PM.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

 Colin Jost: Yeah. NBC is not gonna pay you more to–

 Leslie Jones: Shut up.

 Colin Jost: Okay.

[audience laughing]

Just time wasn’t that accurate.

 Leslie Jones: Shut up.

 Colin Jost: Okay, yeah. That’s fine.

 Leslie Jones: Guess what else a black person invented? Caller ID and call waiting.

 Colin Jost: Really?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

 Leslie Jones: Yes! It was invented by Dr. Shirley Jackson. Somebody should have called Shirley back coz that bitch invented a way to make you call her back. She wasn’t even in tech. she was just a chick who wanted Charles to pick up the phone.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

 Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Who is Charles?

 Leslie Jones: Charles knows who he is. [Michael Che and Colin Jost laughing] [Cut to Leslie Jones] Look, you never know what’s going to spark something in a person. The first time I heard Richard Pryor’s voice, I knew I would be a comedian. That’s why you gotta tell everybody’s story. And listen, Hollywood, if you write the Leslie Jones story, don’t lone ranger me and cast me as some pretty little white girl. Cast me the way I see myself, Pam Greer about 15 years ago or Malia Obama 10 years from now. That’s what I want.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

 Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone!

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: So that was about ‘Hidden Figures, right?

[Colin Jost and Leslie Jones laughing out loud]

Weekend Update Jake Rocheck from Friend Zone

Michael Che

Jake Rocheck… Mikey Day

Shannon… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: A recent survey found that a majority of men with a close female friend secretly hope their relationship will turn sexual. Here with more on that shocking statistic is Jake Rocheck who joins us live via satellite from the friend zone.

[Cut to Jake Rocheck]

Jake Rocheck: Hi. Hi, Michael. Um, I’m currently here deep in the friend zone helping my friend Shannon move into her new apartment. So, I’ve been driving boxes across town all day and carrying awkward furniture upstairs for a pretty girl who is not attracted to me, whatsoever. In fact, just today, Shannon said to me and I quote, “I can’t even picture you having sex,” which I find confusing because I can picture her having sex very easily.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: Ouff! Yeah, well, tell us what’s the hardest part about being in the friend zone.

Jake Rocheck: Um, all of it, but [cut to Jake Rocheck] nights are specially difficult. Often times Shannon will have drama with one of the selfish bad boys she’s attracted to, ask me to come over and we’ll sleep in the same bed so she’s not lonely. She easily falls asleep where as I lay awake all night actively suppressing an erection and painfully holding in gas.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: Oh, man! Jake, how does a guy like you end up in the friend zone?

[Cut to Jake Rocheck]

Jake Rocheck: Um, well, in my case, I found myself in the friend zone with Shannon because when we met I was nice and kind.

Michael Che: Oh! [laughing]

Jake Rocheck: Um, it absolutely killed my chance at a physical relationship. but I ended up with a friendship that honestly, Michael, I wouldn’t trade for anything.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: OH, so what if Shannon had change of heart and wanted to–

Jake Rocheck: [interrupting] To start having sex? I would immediately do that.

Michael Che: Well, have you considered telling Shannon how you feel about her?

Jake Rocheck: Um, to be honest, Michael, [Cut to Jake Rocheck] I haven’t given it much thought, besides the six-page email explaining why we belong together currently saved in my drafts folder. Sometimes when I’m drunk, I’ll read it, add a few lines and hover the cursor over the send button, but never clock send because unfortunately, Michael, I am a little baby bitch boy.

[Shannon walks in]

Shannon: Jakey, don’t hate me, but can you build my IKEA stuff?

Michael Che: Oh, I’d love to. Um, Michael, this is Shannon.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che, Jake Rocheck and Shannon]

Shannon: Oh! Hey, sorry I interrupted.

Michael Che: [sarcastically] Ah, you’re so rude, Shannon. I can’t believe you did that.

Shannon: [flirting and laughing] Oh my god, shut up. Jake, your friend is a jerk. Um, [looking at the camera] we should hang out. Get my number from Jake.

Michael Che: Oh, oh my god, Shannon, stop telling me what to do!

Shannon: [laughing] Shut up. You are trouble.

Michael Che: Yeah, I know.

[Jake Rocheck is nodding his head feeling awkward] [Cut to Jake Rocheck]

Jake Rocheck: [yelling] Wow, that was so much fun to be here for. I’m so pumped you guys flirted and made plans in front of me. Just, um, make sure you are always there for her.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: Nah, Jake. That’s your job. From the friend zone, Jake Rocheck, everybody!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson’s First Impressions

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: All this week confirmation hearings are taking place for Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees. Here to quickly sort them out with a segment called ‘First Impressions’, is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey, Che. How are you? Alright. So, Donald Trump has made about 20 different picks for his cabinet. [Cut to Pete Davidson] And democrats don’t like any of them. You knew we were in trouble when every liberal in America was like, “Come on, Mitt Romney!” Look, I don’t know everything about politics, or anything for that matter. But I’m a pretty good judge of people based on my first impressions. So, here we go.

[There’s a picture of Jeff Sessions at right top corner.]

For Attorney General, Trump picked Alabama senator Jeff Sessions. A man who looks like Dobbie from ‘Harry Potter’, wished to be a real boy.

[Picture changes to Steven Mnuchin]

Next, we got the nominee for Treasury. Metrosexual Apple genius bar worker, Steven Mnuchin. He’s a Goldman Sachs guy worth over $1 billion. A long time ago, he was like, “When I’ll have $1 billion, women will have sex with me.” Now he’s like, “Maybe a trillion.”

[Picture changes to Ben Carson]

Next is Trump’s nominee for housing and urban development Ben Carson. Trump thinks Carson should be in charge of housing because he lived in the projects as a child. Really? If you’re an expert on wherever you were born, does that mean I can be secretary of the Honda Civic? Sorry mom.

[Picture changes to Wilber Ross]

For secretary of commerce, the pick is Wilber Ross. I’ve heard this guy’s a billionaire investor. But I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him sitting on Jeff Dunham’s lap. [Picture changes to Jeff Dunham and his puppet.] i knew I recognized him.

[Picture changes to Andrew Puzder]

Trump’s pick for secretary of labor is a guy named Andrew Puzder. If you ever wondered what Michael Fassbender would look like if he played Lex Luthor, wonder no more. Puzder was the CEO of Hardy’s and now he’s gonna be in charge of all the workers in America. You know how I know that’s a bad idea? Coz it’s the first time I’ve heard of the word Hardy’s in 15 years.

[Picture changes to Eric Trump]

And then there’s Eric Trump. This guy is not in Trump’s cabinet but I couldn’t resist. His hair says 1985 but his face screams, “Put the lotion in the basket!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]

Michael Che: Pete Davidson’s First Impressions, everybody.

Pete Davidson: Put the lotion in the basket!

Weekend Update on Stomach Bug Shutting Down High School

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a school at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A high school in Illinois has cancelled classed for second day after more than 800 students were out with a stomach bug. Which makes sense for a school whose Mascot is a worm-shrimp cocktail. Adorable.

[picture changes to Apple logo and an iPhone]

This week marked the 10th anniversary of the iPhone. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Thank you, Apple, for helping me ignore my family. [joining hands emoji, apple emoji, handshake emoji, monkey closing eyes emoji and family emoji appears on screen]

Imagine how different our lives would be right now without iPhones. Without an iPhone you wouldn’t be able to see that your friend is calling and wait until they stop calling, and then text them, “Why are you calling?” Kids in America would have great posture. And kids in China would have a day off.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ford logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I’m sure they’ll be building something. Ford has announced plans to start selling a new version of it’s classic Bronco SUV in twentytwenty. Hey, just in time for parole. [picture changes to OJ Simpson]

Did somebody say, “Whoo”?

[Picture changes to Chicago city]

A federal investigation concluded that the city of Chicago’s police officers used excessive force and unfairly target minorities. Oh, so that was the problem. You know, as a black dude that grew up in as Colin puts it, “the ghetto”, [Colin laughing] I never understood why cops don’t like us. We have so much in common with the police. We’re both portrayed negatively on the news. You can hear our cars from blocks away. Everyone gets nervous when they think we’re following them. We’re the only two people I know who can hop a fence in boots. We both bring our own guns to funerals. I can go on and on. But the biggest similarity is that black people don’t like being in crime infested areas either and I think that gets lost. That’s why I hate the term black on black crime because it makes it seem like it’s just a race issue. Which makes people who aren’t black check out. And I don’t blame them. If I saw a headline that said, “White woman cuts off white man’s penis”, I would be like, “Damn, white people are crazy. I’m glad I’m not white.” But if you took race out of it and the headline said instead, “Fed up woman cuts off cheating man’s penis,” I’d be like, “Oh, no, Colin, this affects us all.”

Weekend Update on Russia Blackmailing Donald Trump

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: What’s up, everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Well, Colin, this week we all got to explain our parents what a golden shower is. Well, explain it to our moms coz my dad was like, “Golden shower? Oh, the war.”

Buzzfeed reported unverified claims that Russia got their hands on some compromising information on Donald Trump to blackmail him. But the problem with unverified claims is no matter how unverified they are, if it’s hilarious enough, people will remember it as fact. Which is why when someone mentions Richard Gere to me, I don’t think “Pretty Woman.” I think Gerbil.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump blamed intelligence agencies for allowing the Russian dossier to leak, tweeting “Are we living in Nazi Germany?” Of course not. Nazi Germany at least had the guts to stand up to Russia.

On Wednesday, president elect Donald Trump held his first official press conference. And like a golden shower, it was a mess that covered everything. Trump only spoke for eight minutes, yet he somehow covered 4,000 topics. And at that point, it was journey to paper mountain. Trump said that the documents were evidence that he’s stepping away from his business. But it looked like evidence that he’s a hoarder. How does he have that much paper and none of it is tax returns? I’ll tell you this, I think we’re in good shape if Trump destroys ISIS the way he destroyes trees.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump refused to answer questions from CNN by doing this.

[Cut to Donald Trump ignoring CNN from asking question.

Donald Trump: Your organization is terrible.

CNN reporter: You are attacking our news organization. Can you give us a chance to ask a question, sir?

Donald Trump: [to other reporter] Go ahead.

CNN reporter: Sir, can you give us a question?

Donald Trump: Don’t be– No, I’m not gonna give you a question. I’m not gonna give you a question. You are fake news.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: I know I’m not supposed to like that guy, but damn that was funny. The president-elect just called CNN fake news live on CNN. And the only thing CNN could do back was say, “Sir? Sir? Sir?” It was like the dude from ‘Blues Brotheres.’ “Sir?”

Trump hasn’t even been sworn in yet and he’s already made enemies of the CIA, the FBI, and the national media. That’s ballsy. You still got to be president, dude. You need these people. You can’t just walk into a restaurant and insult the waiter, the chef and then say, “I would like to order a good clam chowder.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Stever Harvey]

Family Feud host Steve Harvey met with Donald Trump on Friday to discuss Harvey’s possible involvement with housing and urban development.  Ah! I would give anything just to listen to what those meetings are gonna like. [mocking Steve Harvey] “We asked a hundred black folks, name five things wrong with the projects. Show them roaches.” Dude, you’re a real estate tycoon. You couldn’t think of anybody more qualified for housing and development than Steve Harvey? It feels like every decision that Donald Trump makes starts with the sentence, “Yo, you know what would be hilarious?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of US Capitol at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, republicans began the process of repealing Obamacare even though they have no plan ready to replace it. How do republicans not have a plan ready? They’ve been waiting for this moment for six years. It’s like if at end of the movie Rudy, if the coach finally pointed at Rudy to go into the game and Rudy was sitting there blackout drunk in his underwear, and then he like, tried to run on the field and tripped and broke his neck, and he can’t get health care because that’s a preexisting condition.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeff Beaurgard Session at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alabama senator Jeff Beaurgard Sessions… every time I say his name, I feel like I’m wearing some spindles. Anyway, Sessions testified before congress as part of his nomination process for attorney general. The whole hearing was just the committee trying to get Sessions to admit he’s a racist which is ridiculous because even if he is a racist, he’s never going to say it. I mean, [Picture changes to Kramer] even Kramer walked offstage like, “They were weird tonight, right?” If you want to know if Jeff Sessions is a racist, I don’t know, you gotta get his cleaning lady drunk or something and ask her. The only person I ever heard actually say that they were a racist was me. Twice. Once on this show and once to get out of Jury Duty.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama putting a medal on Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In an emotional ceremony, president Obama awarded Joe Biden the presidential medal of freedom and thanked him for his decades of service to the country. Biden was overwhelmed and also embarrassed because the thank you gift he got for Obama was just a homemade coupon for back rub.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Ha-ha-ha. That’s adorable.

Weekend Update Beck Bennett the Singer

Colin Jost

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, we have a lot of pop stars perform here on SNL. But it turns out– [laughing] That’s the weirdest transition. Just a piggyback on the Chicago stuff. We have a lot of pop stars perform on SNL. Well it turns out, we might have an emerging pop star right here in our cast. Here to explain is Beck Bennett.

[Beck Bennett slides in.]

Beck Bennett: Hey, Colin. Hey audience. I love you so much. Thank you. Thank you.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Back, great hair, by the way.

Beck Bennett: Oh, yeah, this? I guess it’s just kind of how it naturally falls. It’s just being me.

Colin Jost: Yeah, doesn’t seem like it. Beck, what is going on with your music career?

[cut to Colin Jost]

Beck Bennett: Um, well, in a word Colin, it’s exploding.

Colin Jost: Wow.

Beck Bennett: People don’t know this but music’s always been a huge part of my life. And I’ve always like, listened to the radio. And I love songs.

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Great. So, you’re like a classically trained singer? Or–

Beck Bennett: Um, I’m not classically trained per say. I just do original chart topping music that people fall in love with.

Colin Jost: Okay, great. So, do you wanna maybe try out one of your songs right now?

Beck Bennett: Um, okay. [Cut to Beck Bennett] [singing] Everybody’s on the prowl
everybody’s gotta get that something, something
money, money, money, money, money
Yeah!

Thank you.

[audience cheering]

Colin Jost: [to audience] No, don’t. Don’t.

Beck Bennett: That song was about the economy and money.

Colin Jost: Yes. You said money like 10 times.

Beck Bennett: I have another one.

Colin Jost: Oh, great. I was gonna say thanks for coming. But sure, yeah, that’s great. If you got another one, let’s–

Beck Bennett: Okay. Um, just fair warning. It’s really tender.

[Cut to Beck Bennett] [singing] Honestly we’re here before
and honestly I’ve seen you there
and honestly we’ve been down this road

[audience cheering] [Cut to Beck Bennett and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. I’m sorry. That was the whole song?

Beck Bennett: Oh, yeah. I do little songs, Colin. [Cut to Beck Bennett] A lot of singers with do eight to 10 songs in an album. Not me. I’ll do anywhere from 300 to 600 songs. Yeah, I am an absolute machine.

Colin Jost: Yeah, that’s too many songs.

Beck Bennett: I’m always producing.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No, maybe slow it down. Now, why don’t you just maybe do one more song. A little song.

Beck Bennett: Sure, yeah. [Cut to Beck Bennett] [singing] The pin goes in, the pin goes out
I’m trying to make a blanket
the pin goes in the pin goes out
I’m sewing something new

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright. Yeah. That could be good.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: [singing] Maybe it’s a hat or gloves
maybe it’s a brand-new coat
maybe it’s a little stuffed animal

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Colin Jost] [audience cheering]

Yeah, that song ended up being about stuffed animal.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Wow, thanks man.

Beck Bennett: Yeah. It’s really–

Colin Jost: Thanks for walking us through that. Now look, Beck, there’s no easy way for me to say this.\

Beck Bennett: Uh-huh, great.

Colin Jost: Obviously I don’t want to hurt your feelings.

Beck Bennett: Good news alert. Ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: I just think that maybe after listening to your music–

Beck Bennett: [interrupting] I should quit comedy and do music full time? Great! Coz I already did it.

[singing] Everybody is on the prowl
money, money, money, money, money

Colin Jost: Beck Bennet, everyone. Musician.

Beck Bennett: Use my songs in Marvel movies, please.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on Russia Hacking the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Well, Donald Trump is about a month away from his inauguration and people are starting to notice some red flags.

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

At a press conference on Friday, president Obama again claimed Russia hacked our election. He also accused Donald Trump of knowing that it was happening while doing nothing about it. But I mean, can you really blame him? Who snitches when somebody cheats for them? That’s just ungrateful. You don’t expect [picture changes to Tom Brady] Tom Brady to tell ref, “Hey, let me try that touchdown pass again. The ball was deflated.” I guess Donald Trump was acting like a Patriot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of FBI and CIA logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yesterday, the FBI backed up the CIA and the White House in their conclusion that Russia interfered in the US election. Yet somehow, Trump keeps defending Russia despite all the evidence. It’s like right after Pearl Harbor, FDR had said, “We don’t know it was Japan. It could have been just some fat guy on a couch somewhere.” President Obama claimed that the Russian hacker stopped attacking America after Obama told Putin to “cut it out.” I’m not sure you’re gonna strike fear in the heart of an evil dictator with [Picture changes to Dave Coulier] Uncle Joey’s catch phrase from Full House.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of US map with states colored blue or red according to it’s majority votes at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The electoral college is voting on Monday and it would take 37 members to change their votes to cost Donald Trump the election. That’s right, only 37 people stand in the way of Civil Wars: Episode II. The only thing scarier to me than Donald Trump becoming president is Donald Trump not being allowed to become president. Taking the presidency away from Donald Trump now is like giving a monkey a machine gun and then trying to wrestle it back from him. At this point, all we can do is just pray that he can’t figure out how it works, gets bored and puts it down and walks away.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Alexander Hamilton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And I should point out that the electoral college was first proposed by Alexander Hamilton as a check against a misguided popular vote. So it’s pretty ironic that because of Hamilton, a black guy [picture changes to Barack Obama] is getting recast as a white guy.[Picture changes to Donald Trump] [Picture changes to Barack Obama]

Obama this week said that democrats are falsely characterized as coastal liberal latte sipping out of touch folks. Then he grabbed a salted caramel mochaccino and hopped on a private jet to Hawaii.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I gotta say it was pretty sad seeing Obama hold a press conference for maybe his last time. it was like his farewell concert. He’s going through all his greatest hits. The climate deal, Obamacare, reducing unemployment. I got so into it, I started calling out my favorite Obama hits. I was like, “Hey, do ‘Killing Osama’.” And that whole time he didn’t even bring up that he was the first black president which if you look at history is not that easy to do. That alone has earned him a place on every black family’s wall, right next to Martin Luther King and Perm Jesus.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kanye West at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump met with Kanye West at Trump Tower this week. I assume the nominee Kanye for a newly creative post, secretary of humbleness. He then said that he and Trump discussed what Kanye described as multi cultural issues. Multi cultural issues is also how Kanye describes his wife’s family.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of trump visiting his visitors at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump must feel like don Corleone. I mean, everybody’s taking meetings, asking him favors. Right now, Chris Christie is sitting in Trump Tower lobby practicing his lines like Luca Brazzi. “And may your first term be a masculine term.” But do we really need to know about everybody Trump meets? I mean the media wants to find tooth comb Trump’s dealings with Putin, I get that. But when he’s meeting washed up football players and rappers fresh out of the puzzle factory, I don’t need that information. I mean, what would have Kanye West and Donald Trump meeting even be? [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Kanye West] It’s like those old cartoons when Scooby Doo meets with the Harlem Globetrotters, and you’re like, “Why? How would that even help? What will that do?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Rex Tillerson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump officially announced that he is nominating Exxon Mobile CEO Rex Tillerson to be secretary of state. Trump chose the Exxon CEO because he was three cents cheaper than the Chevron CEO across the street.

[Picture changes to

In 2013, Putin awarded Tillerson the order of friendship, which is one of the highest honors Russia gives to foreigners. In fact, the only higher honor Russia can give you is President of the United States. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Jackie Evancho at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that in Trump’s inauguration, the national anthem will be performed by Jackie Evancho who finished in second place on America’s Got Talent. Though she somehow won America’s Got Talent electoral college. [Michael Che laughing] [picture changes to Australian flag and potatoes]

An Australian man who ate nothing but potatoes for an entire year has lost more than 100 pounds, no longer needs anti-depressants, lowered his cholesterol and is dead.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Women’s March logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The organization planning the Women’s March on Washington on January has released the official logo for the event. It’s a great logo because like many feminists, it pushed the white women in the front.

[Cut to a person using a smart phone]

According to a new survey, 70% of the people say that their relationships have been hurt by fubbing, which is when you snub your partner to use your phone instead. Fubbing is not as I assumed when your booty’s too big to have sex in the bathtub.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of New York city at left top corner.]

Never fubbed Jost?

Colin Jost: Never fubbed. Excited for it. Earlier today, New York got it’s first major snowfall, which is fun because now you know which Deli has the most rats.

Michael Che: That’s so gross. [laughing] [Cut to Colin Jost and Colin Jost]

Speaker Colin Jost: Well, it’s the last Weekend Update of the year.

Speaker Michael Che: That’s right.

Speaker Colin Jost: And in the spirit of the holidays, we thought we try to rescue some jokes that got cut earlier in the year.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Panda at left top corner.]

Alright, here it goes. Gia Gia, the world’s oldest panda passed away this week at the age of 38. Gia Gia died after suffering a stroke stroke.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chipotle logo at right top corner.]

Speaker Michael Che: Chipotle has begun serving chorizo. The announcement was made loudly through a bathroom door.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Uber logo at left top corner.]

Speaker Colin Jost: Uber has issued a new set of rules that bans passengers from having sex with a driver or other passengers. Though you can always switch over to Lyft for a mustache ride.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chocolate World logo at right top corner.]

Speaker Michael Che: Hershey’s Chocolate World at Pennsylvania is preparing for its 100 millionth visitor. And to celebrate, I’m about to make my eighth visit to Jerry’s Chocolate World [Picture changes to a board of strip club] by the airport.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Speaker Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.