Weekend Update Colin Jost and Michael Che Swap Jokes | Season 44 Episode 9

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his new set. There’s a picture of cookie dough at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: The CDC is warning people not to eat raw cookie dough, because it may contain germs that can cause severe diarrhea. But on the bright side, you can eat cookie dough without gaining weight. In and out.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture logo of Boy Scouts of America at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: It was reported that the boy scouts of America are considering filing for bankruptcy in the face of declining membership. Yeah, apparently there’s some problem with their business model of hoping parents will pay adult strangers to take their children deep into the woods. [The picture changes to ‘the Sex Island’] The occasion of Sex Island, that’s a terrible transition. Didn’t know that would be back to back. That’s a weird batch to get. The location of sex island, which is a four-day drug fueled event featuring prostitutes at an exclusive resort has been revealed to be an island off the coast of Trinidad and Tobago, this according to the plane ticket I saw in [Picture of Michael Che dressed for party with a luggage and ticket in his hand] Che’s hands.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: See you there!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of snakes at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Firefighters in Texas saved more than 100 snakes including pythons and boa constrictors from a burning home, said the homeowner, “Cool, so where is my wife?” [The picture changes to a logo picture of Avenue Q] It was announced the Broadway musical “Avenue Q” about raunchy puppets will close in the spring after 15 years. But if you still want to see raunchy puppets, just head to Times Square and [Picture changes to Elmo] watch Elmo kick a pigeon.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of frogs at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: A new study finds that frogs in the rain forests have a higher pitch called an urban frogs. Study also finds that female frogs be shopping. [Cut to Colin jost and Michael Che. Colin is laughing] I’ll stand by that joke.

Colin Jost: Since Christmas is coming up, Che and I have decided that our gifts to each other this year would be jokes.

Michael Che: Yes, so we’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

[Cheers]

Colin Jost: You want me to go first?

Michael Che: Yes, I do.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Christian cross at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Okay. A church in Massachusetts created a nativity scene that comments on the immigration debate by placing the baby Jesus in a cage. Where he belongs.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of mobile phoneat the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: A new study shows that the average American touches their mobile device more than 2,000 times a day. “Only 2,000 times”, said my Penis.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mohammadu Buhari at the left top corner of the screen][Colin Jost can’t stop laughing looking at Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Oh god. Nigeria’s president Mohammadu Buhari for the first time denied months older where he had died and been replaced by a lookalike from Sudan. See, Arficans can’t tell black people— [Colin Jost can’t complete his joke laughing] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of hurricane from bird eye view at the right top corner of the screen][Michael Che is acting as if he can’t believe what Colin just said]

Michael Che: A new report shows that hurricane Florence was the wettest hurricane in history, the previous record for wetness was set on the opening night of [Picture changes to Magic Mike cover picture] “Magic Mike”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rosa Parks at the left top corner of the screen][Colin can’t stop laughing]

Colin Jost: This is on cards. I want to switch it up a little. Che didn’t write this one. This is all me. Last week was National Rosa Parks day or as we call it in my house upady-bus-passenger day.

[Cut to Colin and Michael. They both can’t stop laughing.]

Michael Che: Merry Christmas everybody. Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

Weekend Update Trump Worries About Impeachment | Season 44 Episode 9

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in news set]

Colin Jost: Hi,  everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump in the left top corner of the screen] Well, this last week was a pretty bad year for Donald Trump. Think about what’s currentily under investigation for him. Trump’s campaign, his transition, his inauguration, his business and his presidency. So everyone check your cards, because you might have [The picture changes to a bingo game] impeachment bingo. In fact, [The picture changes back to Trump] Trump has reportedly told people close to him that he’s worried he will get impeached. And by people close to him, I, of course, mean [The picture changes to Sean Hannity] Sean Hannity and [A picture of KFC logo appears] Colonel Sanders. [The picture changes back to Trump] This is a lot of legal trouble for any president. I mean I’m not lawyer but neither is [The picture changes to Michael Cohen] Trump’s lawyer. This week Michael Cohen was sentenced to three years in prison and he claimed he only committed his crimes out of a blind loyalty to Trump but Cohen was clearly a crook before he met Donald Trump. You know how I know? He was hired by Donald Trump. The only questions on a Trump job application are [Picture changes to a job applications with two questions] do you do crimes? And wanna do more?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s tweet at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: President Trump responded to Michael Cohen’s sentencing by tweeting – [Cut to the full screen of tweet] “I never directed Michael Cohen to break the law.” That’s my Trump. “He was a lawyer and he is supposed to know the law.” [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the right top corner of the screen] Fair, but you know who else is supposed to know the law? The frigging president of the United States! I can’t get past that. I mean, the pope should know the bible. Santa should know the meaning of Christmas. The president should know the law. Dude, we’re paying you money for this. Am I bugging? Am I crazy?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of inaugural committee event in the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Not because of this. Federal prosecutors in New York are investigating whether president Trump’s inaugural committee some of the $107 million they raised for the event, which I assume they blew on Photoshop. [The pictures has a lot more people in the event now] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Michael Cohen at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: I mean he’s the president. He’s got to know the law. Doctors know medicine. Araby’s know he meat. If I tell you I’m an astronaut and you ask me about the moon and I say “The moon?” It’s been confirmed that Trump was in the room with Michael Cohen and the publisher of the ‘National Enquirer’ when they discussed covering up Trump’s alleged affairs. Which alleged affairs is a very dignified way to say raw dog and porn stars.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of budget meeting in the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: President Trump also held a contentious budget meeting at the White House this week with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer. If you missed it, just go to a Denny’s and watch three grandparents fight over the check. [The picture changes to Trump and Schumer] After the meeting Schumer said that Trump “Lives in a cocoon of his own mistruth”. Dude, just call him a liar. Democrats keep using this flowery language. They forget they’re talking to a country where most people share their opinion through pictures of fire [Picture changes to fire emoji] or a dukie with eyeballs. [Picture changes to poop emoji] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Former New Jersey governor Chris Christie has taken himself out of the running to be the performant White House Chief of Staff. Also taking Chris Christie out of the running, side cramps.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bet Rorke at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: A new poll shows the front funner for the 2020 democratic nomination is Bet Rorke, followed by [Picture changes to Joe Biden] Joe Biden, then [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] Bernie Sanders and then [Picture changes to Oparah] Oparah, then [Picture changes to Lena Dunham] Lena Dunham and then the [Picture changes to Porno Lawyer] Porno Lawyer, and then [Picture changes to a Chai Latte in a pants suit] a Chai Latte in a pants suit, and then [Picture changes to a DVD boxed set of ‘A West Wing’] a DVD boxed set of ‘A West Wing’ and my personal favorite, [Picture changes to Barack Obama in a mustache] Barack Obama in a mustache.