Weekend Update- Smokey Robinson on Celebrating the Holidays

Michael Che

Smokey Robinson… Chris Redd

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The holidays are here. As we all know, there are many ways to celebrate. Here to talk to us about that is music legend, Smokey Robinson.

[Smokey Robinson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Smokey Robinson: [singing] Oh, baby, baby.

Michael Che: Hey, Smokey. Thanks for joining us.

Smokey Robinson: Ah! I bet you didn’t expect me to sing today, did you?

Michael Che: That’s the one thing I definitely thought would happen. Now, smokey, I’m surprised you’re here to talk about the holidays after a cameo went viral of you saying Chanukkah instead of Hanukkah.

Smokey Robinson: Yes, Michael. I did mess up, Michael. But the word, it’s a crazy looking word. In my first grade, teacher always told me to sound it out. And that method has never failed me until now, but it was an opportunity to learn.

Michael Che: What do you mean?

Smokey Robinson: Well, I did some research. The internet has some fantastic resources like Google and Wikipedia. Turns out, it’s not pronounced Chanukkah, it’s Hanukkah. And there’s a whole race of people that have been celebrating it for thousands of years.

Michael Che: Wait. Are you just now hearing about Jewish people?

Smokey Robinson: Hold up. You know about Jewish people already?

Michael Che: Of course, I know about Jewish people. I work in show business.

Smokey Robinson: Oh. You young people are something else. When I was growing up, all we had was white people. Skinny white, fat white, mean white, nice white, off white. That was it.

Michael Che: Smokey, that can’t be true.

Smokey Robinson: It is. I only heard about Jewish people this week. But I’ve been doing a lot of research over the last three days and there’s probably things you don’t know. They are wonderful people, Michael. You hear about– They got their own little hats called ya-moe-keys to show their devotion to god?

Michael Che: You mean yarmulkes.

Smokey Robinson: You say tomato, I say tumortoa.

Michael Che: Nobody says that, Smokey.

Smokey Robinson: Ay, you think you know everything? Well, if you knew the whole story, you wouldn’t have that tone.

Michael Che: What tone?

Smokey Robinson: Michael, I see you smirking because you think the Jewish people had easy road. You think it’s all light in the mano-ran and spinning the draden.

Michael Che: Draden, Smokey?

Smokey Robinson: [singing] Draden, draden, draden
I made you our of clay

Now, although I sound beautiful, it’s more to it than that. I read a pretty bad time with Jewish had went through.

Michael Che: Smokey, I thought you were coming to give us ideas for holiday gifts or something.

Smokey Robinson: Oh, my goodness. You’re right. You’re right. But you gotta realize this season, it isn’t about gifts, Michael. No. It’s about reflecting and loving your life. This year I’m playing to get my children and go to my Jewish place of worship. You may call it a swag along or tem-play and enjoy some potato lash keys and monster ball soup.

Michael Che: Monster balls? I hardly understood what you read and that sounds kind of nice.

Smokey Robinson: Also, I saw your mother. She said she can’t wait to see you on Crimans AV.

Michael Che: Christmas eve?

Smokey Robinson: I don’t know, man.

Michael Che: Smokey Robinson, everyone.

Weekend Update- Michael Che’s Neighbor Willie on the COVID-19 Vaccine

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The vaccine has been rolled out with about a thousand Americans taking it this week, but I don’t know guys. I’m still feeling skeptical. So, to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor Willie.

[Willie slides in] [cheers and applause]

Willie: Hey, Michael. Oh, man. It’s a Christmas miracle. The vaccine is finally here.

Michael Che: I don’t know if I trust this vaccine, Willie.

Willie: Oh, I was skeptical too, Michael. I’ve been searching for that vaccine since March. And I was starting to give up hope.

Michael Che: What do you mean you were searching for the vaccine?

Willie: Well, you know. I’d go down to the city park, pick up some needles up the ground, try them out.

Michael Che: Willie, that is very dangerous.

Willie: Well, Michael, if you want to hit the lotto, you got to crack some eggs.

Michael Che: What?

Willie: Finally, I just got lucky and CEO of Pfizer personally knocked on my window to give me the vaccine.

Michael Che: Are you sure that was the CEO of Pfizer?

Willie: Of course, Michael. Unless that was just some African dude making it up.

Michael Che: Yeah.

Willie: No. It was him.

Michael Che: Willie, aren’t you worried about the side effects?

Willie: Oh, Michael, we all have birth defects.

Michael Che: I said side effects.

Willie: But that’s not the vaccine’s for. At most, it makes you a little sleepy. But you wake up in a tub of ice good as new.

Michael Che: In a tub of ice?

Willie: Well, it’s like they say, Michael. “They replaced your organs with newspaper again, Willie!”

Michael Che: Oh, man.

Willie: I guess I’m just a little more trusting than doctors since my grand daddy worked in medicine.

Michael Che: Really?

Willie: Yeah. He was famous too. He was the first person chosen to take a miracle vaccine that would make his town safe again. And it worked too.

Michael Che: What vaccine was that?

Willie: It was called “The lethal injection”.

Michael Che: Willie, I’m still worried about taking that shot.

Willie: Oh, Michael! You sound just like my old dog Lucias. He didn’t want to take his shot either. He’d run and hide until we found a little trick. We put some peanut butter on the barrel of the rifle and he ran right to it.

Michael Che: Rifle?

Willie: Yes. It’s like they always say, “You can’t make a fur coat out of just one dog, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, this isn’t making anybody feel better.

Willie: Oh, Michael! Michael! This has been a tough year for everybody. But we can still get through this. You know, I was pretty sick myself this year.

Michael Che: Oh, I didn’t know that, Willie.

Willie: Yeah. I followed all the rules. I wore mask. Kept 500 feet away from schools. But I still got affected. I had all the symptoms. Heavy cough, no sense of smell or taste, tiny bumps on my peepee, could barely breathe. But did I let that stop me from beat boxing at the nursing home?

Michael Che: I really hope it did.

Willie: No, sir. It’s like they always say in show biz, Michael. “You wiped off St. Mary’s village, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, everybody!

Weekend Update- Landis Trotter on Holiday Gifting

Michael Che

Landis Trotter… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Christmas is approaching and most of us still have shopping to do. Here to share her holiday gift guide is Instagram influencer, Landis Trotter.

[Landis Trotter slides in]

Landis Trotter: Yes. Hey, Michael. Hey, guys. I just wanted to hop on Update real quick and say hi.

Michael Che: So, on Instagram, you have half a million followers and you’re here today with your holiday gift guide?

Landis Trotter: Yes. Everything I’m sharing with you today are just my favorite products and go-tos. No sponsored ads.

Michael Che: Great. What do you recommend as a present for a romantic partner? I know a lot of people could use help with that.

Landis Trotter: Oh, yes. I mean, a lot of guys are totally out to see. But last Christmas, my now fiancé, Mark, totally nailed it. He said, “Go, look under the tree.” And I saw a box. And I was like, “Mark?” And he was like, “Open it.” And inside the box was Private Banking from Merrill Lynch. [an ad of Merrill Lynch bank appears at the corner.] As life of all, Merrill Lynch is changing the way we look at retirement. Use code “OLDPEEPLE” for free shipping.

Michael Che: So, you’re recommending concierge retirement banking for romantic gift. This seems like an ad.

Landis Trotter: No. Merrill Lynch is thoughtful and responsible. And it’s– Oh! @MerryllLynch.

Michael Che: Okay. So, what gift do you recommend for moms?

Landis Trotter: Oh my god. Moms are so hard to shop for. I mean, specially mine. She’s like, really classy. But I do know she loves anything cinnamon and nutmeg. She’s always like, “The spice must flow.” That’s why this holiday season, I partnered with a movie “Dune” at HBO MAX. From the mind of Frank Herbert and visionary director Denis Villeneuve. Use code “SANDWORM” and check out for 5% off Dune.

Michael Che: So, you think people should buy “Dune” for their momes?

Landis Trotter: I do. I do. I use it everyday. It changed my life.

Michael Che: Alright. Well Landis, I still haven’t got anything for my boss and I love to get him something from a small business.

Landis Trotter: Okay. Well, my next gift is small and local. I’m giving my boss Hitachi Healthcare Xray imaging. No one should have to wonder what their bones look like.

Michael Che: Landis, come on. Wholesale Xray equipment for my boss?

Landis Trotter: I know. But I have to say that because they give me the money.

Michael Che: So, these are all ads?

Landis Trotter: Yes. [in soft voice] For me to get money and free stuff and brag to people I went to high school with that I’m doing good and that I grew up pretty and I’m a money maker now.

Michael Che: Hey, I’m sorry, Landis. I think you’re great, personally.

Landis Trotter: Really, Michael?

Michael Che: So great that this Christmas morning, you deserve a sizzling patty of Jimmy Dean sausage.

Landis Trotter: Oh my god. Is that an ad?

Michael Che: Yes. Use code “JIMMYCHE” for 1% off.

Landis Trotter: 1%? Michael, that’s what I want to be.

Michael Che: Landis Trotter, everybody.

Weekend Update- Cleveland Indians Name Change and Tom Cruise Covid Rant

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a logo of Cleveland Indians at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that the Cleveland Indians have decided to remove the term ‘Indian’ from their team name. Yes, it’s nice. Yet, somehow we’re cool calling the only black people in Utah, the Jazz.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of MacKenzie Scott at right top corner.]

Michael Che: MacKenzie Scott, Jeff Bezos ex wife has given away more than $4 billion to pandemic relief organizations. Not to be outdone, Jeff Bezos has offered Amazon workers free Gatorade bottles for bathroom breaks.

[Picture changes to Andrew Cuomo]

A former advisor to New York governor Andrew Cuomo has accused him of sexually her for years making him the odds-on favorite for the 2024 nomination. You’re not going to like the rest of these. Cuomo denies the allegations claiming that he would never be inappropriate to any broad with frickin dynamite baazoombas.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a car covered with snow at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in New York state was trapped inside his car for 10 hours over night when a plow covered his car in four feet of snow. Even more amazing, his wife believed that story.

Weekend Update- Christmas Joke Swap 2020

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, tonight is our Christmas show and we have a tradition where Che and I give each other jokes to read.

Michael Che: Oh, yes. That’s true. We’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: Yes. Fun, harmless, inoffensive jokes, right Che?

Michael Che: Hey, man. Why don’t you go first?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of coronavirus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Many doctors are saying that they have a hard time convincing their black patients to agree to take the covid vaccine. Well, maybe they should try telling them, “It makes you immune from paying child support.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of “Hocus Pocus” movie poster at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Whoa! That’s pretty racist, Colin! It was revealed that the sequel of the movie “Hocus Pocus” is in the words for Disney+, which judging by this picture is movie about every white woman I’ve ever slept with. Cool.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rosa Parks at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week marks the 65th anniversary of Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on an Alabama bus. I just wish that all black people could follow her example of sitting down and shutting up.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeffery Epstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] Oh. The palm beach mansion once owned by Jeffery Epstein will soon be demolished. And I’m honestly shocked that they would demolish a place where I have so many fond memories. Rest in power, king.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Creed’s front man Scott Stapp at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: God! It was announced that Creed’s singer Scott Stapp will play Frank Sinatra in an upcoming movie. But the good news is Sammy Davis Jr. will be played by Scarlett Johansson.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- A Look Back at Trump’s Presidency

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well guys, barring a reverse Christmas miracle, this is the last Weekend Update with Donald Trump still in office. Now, as a president, he was mostly bad. But there were a few bright spots. So, before he is tranquilized and moved like a dinosaur in Jurassic Park, I just want to take a moment to recognize some of his greatest moments in office.

[Cut to a slide show of nice pictures of Donald Trump during his presidency.] [Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. So America, don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it’s happened. And then, probably cry a little bit. I don’t know. I’m still working it out with my therapist.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Pence getting vaccine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Mike Pence received the coronavirus vaccine Friday which is the first time he has ever been okay with using protection. Mike Pence said when he got the vaccine shot, “I didn’t feel a thing”, which is also what he told himself over and over again after saw Harry Styles in a dress.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell seen here calmly watching a school bus stall on some rail road tracks, received the coronavirus vaccine on Friday. Just to throw it in our faces, he’s also giving himself a stimulus check and a small business loan.

[Picture changes to vaccine]

White House has left it up to the states to distribute the vaccine which shocks me because knowing Trump, I thought for sure it would be done through a live Power Ball lottery. The ratings would have been insane and it would have been the first White House job Ivanka was qualified for. [Picture changes to girl holding the lottery number balls.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of people protesting at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During a pro Trump rally in Washington DC, protestors burned “Black Lives Matter” signs at two historic black churches. I don’t want to be too judgmental here but at some point when you’re setting fires at black churches, you gotta stop and ask yourself, “Hey, am I the bad guy here?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jill Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wall Street Journal published an op-ed suggesting that Dr. Jill Biden stop using the term doctor because she has a PhD and is not a medical doctor. Though, she has at times functioned as a nurse. [picture changes to Jill Biden holding and supporting Joe Biden.]

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Micahel Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a satellite at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Researchers say that a system on the international space station that turns astronaut urine into drinking water could be used to provide clean water on earth. Which is the kind of amazing innovation that makes me think, “Wait, then what are astronaut brownies made of?”

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of Tom Cruise at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: Tom Cruise was recorded on the set of the new Mission Impossible movie yelling at the crew for violating covid restrictions. Apparently, the crew was using camera tricks to make it appear like they were separated by six feet when in reality, it was closer to 5’4″.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mall Santa at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Officials in Georgia say that more than 50 children may have been exposed to coronavirus by a mall Santa, which is the second worst thing a mall Santa can expose children to.

Weekend Update- Supreme Court Dismisses Election Fraud Cases

Colin Jost

Micahel Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Micahel Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Micahel Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Guys, I got to be honest. I’m beginning to think that Donald Trump didn’t win this election. This week the supreme court dismissed two different Trump law suits to overturn the election results. They were the first rulings by the supreme court that were just the eye-roll emoji. Don’t worry, Trump isn’t throwing in the towel because he has been a fighter his whole life. At least that’s what it looks like on his brain scans. [Picture changes to a brain scan with many injuries.] I just love how the media telling us, “Okay, this time it’s over.” Nothing is ever over as long as Donald Trump can make money off it. Even when he dies, his tombstone is just going to have his Venmo info. Also, he’s a billionaire and he keeps asking his supporters for $5. Isn’t that just sad? It’s like saying “For the price of a cup of coffee a day, you can help a desperate old man pretend he’s still president.”

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of a gavel and a map of Texas at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: Yes, that’s sweet. The Texas lawsuit asked the supreme court to invalidate election results in four other states, which is a plan so crazy only Texas would try to execute it. many black doctors are saying that they are having a hard time convincing their patience to take the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines, which is weird because Moderna vaccine is my favorite Tyler Perry character.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a online news that says “Biden promises 100 million shots in 100 days” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President elect Joe Biden has emphasized his commitment to vaccine distribution by promising 100 million shots in 100 days, which is also his botox routine. Biden probably would have gotten those doses to us sooner, but Trump administration rejected several opportunities to acquire an additional 100 million doses of of the Pfizer vaccine. Why? Who at any point this year thought, “We have too much vaccine?” What the hell are you priority? You don’t have a money for life saving vaccines but you can start up a space army? It’s like the captain of the Titanic while it’s going down saying, “You guys want to start a space army?”

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of William Barr at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: Insiders are saying that Attorney General and all grown up Eric Cartman [from South Park] , William Barr is considering resigning after a contentious meeting with president Trump because if there’s one thing Bill Barr won’t stand for, it’s more than a few minutes at a time.

Weekend Update- Melissa Villaseñor on Christmas and Dolly Parton

Colin Jost

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, there’s simply no denying it guys, it’s the holiday season. Here with some of her favorite Christmas albums is our own Melissa Villaseñor.

[Melissa Villaseñor slides in. She is dressed like Dolly Parton.]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah. Hey, Colin. I’m so excited to be here to talk about Christmas music.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Melissa, I’m a little nervous to ask you this but are you dressed as Dolly Parton?

Melissa Villaseñor: What? No. This is my special Christmas outfit. [pointing at her breasts] And these are my regular big old things. I’m here to talk about Christmas.

Colin Jost: Are you sure? I’m just asking because you’ve been trying to get your Dolly Parton impression on the show for a while now.

Melissa Villaseñor: No. I’m 100% just here to sing Christmas songs. Okay?

Colin Jost: Alright. What are some of your favorites?

Melissa Villaseñor: Mm. It’s a tough one, but definitely Holly Jolly Christmas. It’s so joyful. Here, I’ll sing it.

[music playing]
[singing in Dolly Parton’s voice] Have a Holly Jolly Christmas
it’s the best time of the year
now I don’t know if there’ll be snow
but have a cup of cheer

Oh, I just love Christmas.

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s great, but you were just doing a Dolly Parton impression.

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey buddy, eyes up here. [telling Colin to stop staring at her breasts and look at her eyes.]

Colin Jost: What are you pointing down for?

Melissa Villaseñor: You know another song I really like? Jingle Bells, okay? What a classic. Right? It goes like this.

[music playing]
[singing in Dolly Parton’s voice like the song “Jolene”] Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells all the way
I’m begging of you please don’t take Jolene

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s not how Jingle Bells goes and it’s also not really how Jolene goes. Melissa, just if you want to do Dolly song, just be up front with me.

Melissa Villaseñor: [pointing at her breasts] I am being extremely upfront. I almost had trouble walking out here. Okay, fine. Yeah. News flash. I want to be Dolly. Who doesn’t? She’s the coolest. She’s a great singer. She writes her own songs. She donated $1 million to the vaccine. plus, there’s a new story this week that she saved a kid from getting hit by a car. Which made me mad because I was speeding up to hit him. Kidding. Alright. Look. I’ll sing you one actual Christmas song. A real one this time. Okay? Growing up, my family and I, we would go to mass, midnight mass which was in Latin. This was my hymn.

[music playing]

Colin Jost: Melissa, I know what this is.

Melissa Villaseñor: [singing] Working 9 to 5
What a way to make a livin’
Barely gettin’ by
It’s all takin’ and no givin’
They just use your mind
Colin Jost: Melissa Villaseñor, everyone.

Melissa Villaseñor: I’m not coming to work next week. [pointing at her breasts] I’m going to get big thing.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Jay-Z’s Marijuana Line & New Space Force Bases

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Jay-Z and a leaf of marijuana at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Jay-Z has launched a line of cannabis products called “Monogram”. So, just a quick reminder to all the women that told me I need to grow up, Beyonce is married to a 50 year old weed guy. So, god ain’t done with me yet.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mike Pence at left top corner.]

Michael Che: Mike Pence who looks like a polar bear went to work, announced that the first two space force bases would be set up in Florida. I assume at TomorrowLand and EpCon Center.

[Picture changes to a lion]

Officials at Barcelona zoo revealed that four lions at the facility tested positive for coronavirus. Even more shocking, it’s because they attended the Hasidic wedding.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Joe Biden and Marcia Fudge at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Joe Biden has nominated representative Marcia Fudge as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Fudge lives in Ohio but is originally from around the corner of Milk Milk Lemonade. It’s a thinker.

[Picture changes to Harrison Ford]

It was announced that Harrison Ford will return for a fifth Indiana Jones movie. Unfortunately, it’s called “Indiana Jones and the Tome of the Jamaican Nurse.” I’m sorry.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of online news that says “900 customers pay for people behind them” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Customers at Dairy Queen at Minnesota set up a chain reaction of paying for the customer behind them in the drive through that lasted for more than 900 people. It’s an inspiring story that ended with one guy being like, “Nope. I’m good.”

[Picture changes to an online news that says “Baby forn from 27 year old embryo]

Doctors say that a woman has given birth to a baby that came from an embryo frozen 27 years ago. Said the baby, “You picked this year?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of online news that says “Astronomers: galaxy not as black as thought” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study by astronomers finds that the galaxy is not as black as previously thought after it was seen dating a white lady.