Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update Charles Barkley on the 2019 NCAA Final Four | Season 44 Episode 17

Michael Che

Charles Barclay… Kenan Thompson

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Tonight is the start of the final four with Virginia Beating Charles Barclays Alma Mater Auburn. Here to talk about it is Charles Barclay.

[Charles Barclay joins Michael Che]

Charles Barclay: Boom! Muscles. What’s up, Michael? This is Charles Barkley, yeah, Auburn.

Michael Che: Auburn lost by one. Why are you so happy?

Charles Barclay: Because they came with the spread, man, yeah. Still, it was fun to see my school in the final four. [Cut to Charles Barclay ] They said, “It was going to be historic.” I said, “Yes, it is.” They said,”It’s going to be a party.” I said, “You’re damn right.” They said, “It’s going to be in Minneapolis.” I said, “Y’all have fun.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Charles Barclay]

Michael Che: You don’t’ like Minneapolis, Charles?

Charles Barclay: Man, it’s crazy place, Michael. [Cut to Charles Barclay] The only think black in Minnesota is toe nails. They ain’t got no beach out there. Just a big old lake. They’re lake people, Michael. Lake people are shady. The only thing worse than lake people is river people. Oh, river people come at you like little beavers.

[Cut to Michael Che and Charles Barclay]

Michael Che: So you won some money on the game?

Charles Barclay: Yes, yes. But not enough, I already lost $50,000 on my bracket.

Michael Che: What did you bet to win it all, Duke?

Charles Barclay: No, I bet everything on Hogwards Central. [Cut to Charles Barclay] I thought if a team of black wizards couldn’t win it all, nobody could. And then, later I found out that is not a real school but something from a Wayans Brothers script that got sent to me in 2004. You think that a former student athlete like myself would make better decisions?

[Cut to Michael Che and Charles Barclay]

Michael Che: Student athlete? Did you even go to class?

Charles Barclay: Oh, sure I did, and I was good student too because they let me major in Blackjack.

Michael Che: Still, college must have been fun back then.

Charles Barclay: Oh, yeah. The ‘80s man! [Cut to Charles Barclay] It was a crazy time. Dancing was illegal and every dog had sunglasses. 35 years ago I was a kid with a dream of being in a movie with Michael Jordan and Tweety Bird. And I did it. I was an NBA MVP, an Olympic gold medalist, and over my career I made about $50 million.

[Cut to Michael Che and Charles Barclay]

Michael Che: Wow.

Charles Barclay: And I gambled away $60 million.

Michael Che: Charles Barkley, everybody.

Charles Barclay: Somebody give me some money to put on.

Michael Che: It’s Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update: Jeanine Pirro | Season 44 Episode 16

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Fox news personality judge Jeanine Pirro returned to television tonight after being suspended for two weeks after controversial comments about a Muslim congressman. Here to explain is Jeanine Pirro.

[Janine Pirro joins Colin Jost]

Jeanine Pirro: Evening Collin. I’m judge Jeanine Pirro. And it’s up to you to decide just what my whole deal is.

Colin Jost: That’s great. So you’re back on Fox.

Jeanine Pirro: That’s right! [Cut to Janine Pirro] This Mueller report completely exonerated the President, and, therefore, everybody on the Trump train. Whew, whew!  So, somebody at Fox news said my name into a bathroom mirror three times and here I am. And Colin, I just want to take this opportunity to say hi to my super fans out there. Mean horny men laying on in-home hospital beds and white prison gangs who control the remote on Saturdays. Thank you for watching.

[Cut to Janine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You don’t have to shout. I can year you.

Jeanine Pirro: Can’t do, pal! Momma’s got one volume and it’s three chardonnays deep by the crowded party!

Colin Jost: So you really think that this report totally exonerates the president? Because the Attorney Ganeral’s letter made it sound a little murky.

Jeanine Pirro: It’s crystal clear! [Cut to Janine Pirro] No collusion, no obstruction. The report concludes that the President is 35-years-old and 175 pounds. He’s got the rugged good looks of Bradley Cooper and he smells like steak and complementary bathroom cologne. And he’s a USDA certified sex machine who can wack that ass from dusk until dawn.

[Cut to Janine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I really don’t think it says that. Also, how can you be so sure about the Mueller Report when noone’s actually read it?

Jeanine Pirro: No one should read it, Colin. [Cut to Janine Pirro] That’s why tonight I’m asking Attorney General William Barr to tell the world that President Trump is innocent. And then burn that report for all of eternity. Just throw it into the temple of doom. And sorry, short round, you ain’t stopping Dr. Jones this time!

[Cut to Janine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: See, it’s that type of comment that maybe got you in trouble.

Jeanine Pirro: No, sorry, Colin, after this Mueller report, we in Trump nation can do anything we want.

Colin Jost: That’s right. Yes, I actually heard that Trump say this week he might completely close the border with Mexico.

Jeanine Pirro: What? [Jeanine Pirro falls off her chair out of shock]

Colin Jost: Wow, are you okay?

Jeanine Pirro: Wow. Yes, great! Oh, [Cut to Janine Pirro] I just got so damn excited about Trump unleashing, wow mama, oh yeah! He’s getting rid of Jussie Smollett and he’s bringing back Roseanne! Yeah! She’s going to have her own show called ‘The Barrs’. It’s Roseanne and William Barr on the dirtiest couch you’ve ever seen. And they’re calling them like they see them and they’re taking all of the damn ambien they want! Period!

[Cut to Janine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Again, I don’t think that’s happening but I don’t know if you heard, Trump did say he’s hoping to launch an investigation into both Obama and Hillary—

Jeanine Pirro: What? [Jeanine Pirro falls off her chair out of shock]

Colin Jost: Jeanine Pirro, everyone!

Jeanine Pirro: You’re under investigation next.

Weekend Update: Astronaut Anne McClain | Season 44 Episode 16

Michael Che

Ann McClain… Aidy Bryant

Christina … Melissa villaseñor

Nick… Beck Bennett

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Earlier this week two female astronauts on the International Space Station were set to make history with the first ever all-female space walk, but it was canceled by NASA because there was only one space suit that could fit a woman. Here to comment is the female astronaut who did not get to space walk, Ann McClain.

[Ann McClain joins Michael Che]

Ann McClain: Hi there! Hello. Hi.

Michael Che: So this has got to be disappointing for you.

Ann McClain: [Sounding very upset] No. No, not at all. [Cut to Ann McClain] I’m practical. I get it. Only one woman suit, so Christina did the space walk with my colleague Nick and they swam in the stars and they know what it is to be god looking down on to earth and me inside the window and it’s all okay.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: Well, from the way you’re talking, it sounds like you’re a little upset.

Ann McClain: Nope, nope.

Michael Che: Because it’s still a major accomplishment to go to space.

Ann McClain: Oh, totally, yes. [Cut to Ann McClain] I worked my whole life, flew 1,600 hours. You know, became helicopter pilot. Did 216 combat missions in the United States army and got two masters degrees in Aerospace Engineering. But then space shirt and pants were the wrong size. So unfortunately the dream gotta die.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: But you still got to go space.  You just didn’t get to do the spacewalk.

Ann McClain: Yeah, I got to go to space. [Cut to Ann McClain] I got to do all of the chill stuff like being shot into the sky like a bullet on fire. And then once I got there, I got to eat all the stake dust. You konw, be wizzing in my tube. And you know, the business of space.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: It’s okay to be a little mad. I think most people here who know that’s unfair.

Ann McClain: I’m not mad at all. I’m not mad. You know, they can make a special space suit for a dog or a special space suit for a monkey, but a human girl, only one get to be moon queen. And so, yeah, I’m actually happy as hell!

Michael Che: Happy as hell? Really?

[Cut to Ann McClain]

Ann McClain: Yeah! Even got the happy tears. And the cool thing about crying in space, Michael, is that your tears keep floating around hours after you cry them.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: Well, this is actually exciting. We have the live feed from the space walk right now.

Ann McClain: Wow, and nobody told me that was going to happen. But excited.

Michael Che: Do we have them yet? [Cut to live video of Nick and Christina in space] Hey, guys, how is it going out there?

Christina: It’s amazing. Truly gorgeous to see that big, blue marvle. Really makes my multiple tours at Palmer station and Artica worth it.

Nick: And I’m Nick!

Ann McClain: I’m so happy for my friends!

Nick: This is my fifth space walk. It’s almost a chore at this point. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Ann McClain]

Ann McClain: And I do love hearing that! Wow, but  to all of my little girls out there, I just want to say you can all become astronauts, just not at the same time.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: Ann McClain everybody.

Ann McClain: It’s good. She gone.

Michael Che: Wekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

[Colin Jost joins]

Colin Jost : I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update: Apple Card | Season 44 Episode 16

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of apple card logo at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: This week apple introduced a new credit card, and also a new streaming service, and also, what the hell is apple trying to do. They already listen to everything we say and now they want to control our money and we watch? Who’s the CEO of apple now, [Picture changes to Ike Turner] Ike Turner?

[Picture changes to Alanis Morissette]

Singer Alanis Morissette announced on Instagram Monday that she is pregnant, I guess she forgot to take her jagged little pill.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rob Gronkowski at left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: New England patriot, tight end Rob Gronkowski announced he’s retirement from the NFL after nine seasons. Or, as Gron calls it, [Colin shows his six fingers] this many!

[Picture changes to a pregnant woman’s stomach] A 20 old woman in Bangladesh with two uterus’s gave birth to two a twin, 26 days after giving birth to her first child. This according to her vagina suicide note.

[Cut to Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of zebra at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Police in Florida say that the owner of a pet Zebra shot and killed the animal after it  escaped from it’s enclosure. Finally answering the question, “What’s black and white and red all over?”

[Picture changes to Grindr app’s logo]

This week marked the 10th anniversary of the same-sex dating app Grindr, which has all but replaced the old way of finding discreet gay hookups, church camps.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of McDonald’s at left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: And you were worried about the Zebra. McDonald’s has announced plans for new digital menus at their drive-thrus that will offer customers suggestions based on what they order. For example, if you order a salad, it will suggest you stop kidding yourself.

[Picture changes to Nicolas Cage]

It was reported that Nicolas Cage is filing for an annulment four days after getting married in Las Vegas. Read more about it in this month’s issue of ‘That sounds about right’.

[Cut to Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of hospital at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: A man in Europe went to the hospital for a routine procedure and was mistakenly given a circumcision instead. It sounds bad but he’s lucky because Europeans usually don’t leave a tip.

[Picture changes to an SUV]

A woman in Utah survived after her SUV got stuck in the snow and mud for nearly a week. The woman says she couldn’t have made it without her children. Her delicious, delicious children.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of denim underwear at left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: A fashion company is selling a pair of woman’s underwear made out of denim for over $300. Which sounds expensive until you realize they’re made from Jay Leno’s old shirts.

Weekend Update: The Mueller Report | Season 44 Episode 16

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a newspaper article with the headline Mueller Report- No Collusion’ at left top corner of the screen] Well, this week made me feel insane. All the people I was told were bad guys all got away with it. Donald Trump, Jussie Smollett, and worst of all, Duke. [The picture changes to Donald Trump] The big story, of course, was the white O.J. was not indicted for collusion and that Robert Mueller did not reach a conclusion about the whether Trump obstructed justice. Or, as it was reported on Fox News– [Cut to different video clips of Fox News anchors laughing].

[Cut to Colin Jost]

I haven’t seen Fox News anchors smile like that since I.C.E agents pulled into a home depot parking lot. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] So Trump found out he’s not getting indicted in the Russia investigation. And I’m sure that he was grateful that it’s was all over, and he’s just ready to move on.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: All of the democrat politicians, they have to be accountable. [Crowd cheering “Lock them Up”]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow, it’s like if Srooge woke up on Christmas morning, discovered he had a second chance at life, then found tiny Tim and took a crowbar to his good leg.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller and Donald Trump at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Oh, man, I can’t believe I actually thought for a second that the FBI was going to lock up the sitting president of the United States simply because he was guilty. I think it’s because I’m around white people all the time and white people have this thing I call toxic optimism. It’s the kind of optimism that makes you believe you can get into college because of your mother is [Picture changes to Lori Loughlin] Aunt Becky. I’m sure [Picture changes to Aunt Viv] Aunt Viv’s kids don’t have that much optimism. Black people are just not that optimistic. I said the phrase checks and balances to a black lady, and she rolled her eyes at me for so long, I thought she fell asleep.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Steve Bannon at left  top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: And now that with the Russia probe is over, former white house adviser and the ghost of Russell Crow, Steve Bannon, believes that President Trump will “Come off the chains and go full animal”. And maybe that’s what [Picture changes to Donald Trump] he was doing this week’s rally in Michigan. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to video clips of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: The collusion delusion is over. Little pencil-neck Adam Schiff. They came from the valleys. They came from the mountains. They came out of the damn rivers. I have a better education than them. I’m smarter than them. And I’m President and they’re not. I support the great lakes. Always have. They’re beautiful. They’re big, very deep. Record deepness, right?

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: He’s back be, baby! I guess he has gone full animal in the sense those aren’t human sentences. And by the way, he’s absolutely crushing with that crowd. And you know they must really love him, because they sat through this opening act.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump Jr.’s speech]

Donald Trump Jr.: And for this week and this week alone, Maga stands for something a little different. Michael Avenatti got arrested! Maga!

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Sucks! Imagine being a hard-working Midwest Trump supporter and having to listen to a richie-rich read you his bad tweets for 20 minutes. It’s like paying to see [Picture changes to Metallica poster] Metallica, but first you got to listen to some poems by their kids.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and country flags of the US nadMexico at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: On Friday, President Trump threatened to close the border with Mexico next week saying that, ‘We have run out of space to hold migrants”. Okay, but hear me out, [Picture changes to Wyoming] Wyoming. How can America run out of space? We still got two Dakotas. Most countries don’t even have one.

Weekend Update: Paul Manafort Sentenced to Prison | Season 44 Episode 15

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you, good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: And I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paul Manafort and Donald Trump at left top corner of the screen.] Well, here’s how bad Trump’s presidency is going. His campaign manager was just sentenced to four years in prison. And for Trump, that’s good news. Paul Manafort who looks like he was born divorced, faced up to 24 years in prison but only got four years, probably in minimum security white collar prison with a bunch of his friends. The guy stole over $50 million. And he basically got sentenced to college. The judge who sentenced Manafort said he gave him a lenient sentence because Manafort had lived “An otherwise blameless life” which is also the name of my favorite third eye blind album. Also, how can you possibly claim Manafort lived a blameless life. He’s being sentenced for another crime next week. And it’s a crime he committed while on house arrest for a third crime.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Paul Manafort at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Paul Manafort got 47 months for tax evasion and bank fraud which as black guy feels very unfair. But for a rich black guy, it’s a little encouraging. I mean if I could steal millions of dollars in the United States Presidency in exchange for three years of my 70s? I can’t promise I won’t try. Chances are, I’m going to end up in jail in my 70s anyway by saying something that’s fine now but is punishable by death in 40 years. Like, calling my kids the N word. Or, calling my wife the N word. Or, calling some white lady the N word.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Li Yang at left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Your kids? It was reported that President Trump watched the Super Bowl at Mar-a-lago with Li Yang, the woman who founded the chain of Asian day spa where patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly solicited a prostitute. First of all, what a time to be alive, huh? Second, you know that Trump spent all their time together trying to convince her to give up North Korea’s nuclear weapons.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump signing Bibles at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: President Trump visited tornado victims in Alabama and signed bibles for them. Now, I don’t know man. I’m not a very religious guy, but I feel like when you’re getting your bible signed by a dude that raw dogs porn stars, you’re probably not a very religious guy either.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture Hillary Clinton at left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: And Hillary Clinton announced this week that she is officially not running for president. Am I the only one who’s a little disappointed? First of all, I think she would be a great president. Second of all, I want to see a rematch. Come on, Hillary is like Rocky in ‘Rocky IV’. No one thinks she can come out of retirement to beat this Russian hero [Picture changes to a boxer with Donald Trump’s face] who barely speaks English. I mean, Hillary [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton in jungle] literally went into the woods to do her training montage. She is ready to win this thing for America, because now she’s got nothing to lose, except the presidency for a third time.

Weekend Update: Ash Wednesday | Season 44 Episode 15

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost at his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar marking 6th of March at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: This Wednesday was Ash Wednesday, the day where white people show their support for [The picture changes to 21 Savage and a white person with similar tattoo imitation on his forehead] 21 Savage.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of ‘Leaving Neverland’ at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: That’s a good joke. Last week—Last week HBO aired ‘Leaving Neverland’, a documentary detailing multiple child molestation charges against Michael Jackson. And they say this doc has done more damage to Michael Jackson than his last doc, Dr. Conrad Murray. Okay, but whose side do you take? [Picture changes to flight attendants] Virgin Atlantic Airlines announced that it will no longer require female flight attendants to wear make-up and skirts just as long as their husbands sign the consent form. I’ll stand by it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Queen Elizabeth and Instagram logo at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Queen Elizabeth II has posted her first ever picture on Instagram. Finally a chance for commoners to directly tell the queen, ‘Show Feet’. A new survey lists the best city to live in the country as Boise Idaho. While the worst city was once again Rat Orgy, Delaware.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of pills at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Two men in New Jersey were arrested with $150 million worth of opioids. For reference, here’s what $150 million worth of opioids looks like. [Picture changes to Lil’ Pump] [Picture changes to a roller coaster] A British group set a new world record when more than 200 people rode a roller coaster naked. Breaking the previous record of one.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Batman Comic at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Batman turns 80 years old this month which explains his new arch nemesis Jamaican Nurse.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of clouds at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: That’s a good one. A man in Italy captured a picture that he says looks like Jesus shining through the clouds. Or hear me out, it was just the sun.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of sewage at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Sanitation officials cleaning out sewage lines are reporting finding swamp monsters which are items never intended to be flushed such as live snakes, underwater, fingers and false teeth which are strangely the exact ingredients that make up [Picture changes to Rudy Guiliani]  Rudy Guiliani.

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on R. Kelly and Michael Jackson | Season 44 Episode 15

Colin jost

Pete Davidson

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost at his set]

Colin Jost: Well, there’s a lot of controversy surrounding recent documentaries about R. Kelly and Michael Jackson. Here with his thoughts is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson joins Colin Jost]

Pete Davidson: How are you doing man? Hey, Colin. So have you guys seen the R. Kelly documentary?

Colin Jost: Yeah, Pete, I did.

Pete Davidson: Okay now, before I continue, this guy is a monster. And he should go to jail forever. But if you support the Catholic church, isn’t that like the same thing as being an R. Kelly fan? [Cut to Pete Davidson] I don’t really see the difference, only one’s music is significantly better. No, because the other day my mom was like, “I’m going to mass”. And I was like, “Okay, I’m going to go listen to the ‘Ignition’ remix”. Look, I’m not saying it’s an easy decision. I’m just saying you don’t know how good someone’s music really is until you find out they’re a pedophile. And the reason everybody is so upset is because R. Kelly and Michael Jackson made great music, you know. if I found out McLemore did some weird stuff, I’d be happy to free up some space on my iPhone. It just depends on who did it, you know. I understand people  who say, “How can you listen to that music after what he did”. Headphones? [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] Believe me, look, once we start doing our research, [Cut to Pete Davidson] we’re going to have much left, because it seems like all really talented people are sick. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] Don’t’ worry Colin me and you are good.

Colin Jost: Okay, good.

Pete Davidson: Not Che though. Che’s a genius.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Wait, what?

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: Look, I don’t know what it is with talented people. You know, Charlie Chaplin was the first movie star ever, and he married a 15 year old. And he couldn’t even talk.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: He could talk in real life.

Pete Davidson: No, he couldn’t. I saw all the footage. He didn’t talk once. [Cut to Pete Davidson]  That’s why he’s a silent film star. So with guys like R. Kelly, the rule should be, if you warrant to listen to their music, you just have to admit that they’re bad people.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Is it that hard to just stop listening to them all entirely?

Pete Davidson: Well, you don’t listen to R. Kelly. But, what if you found out the inventor of hair gel got caught jerking it on a train. You can’ use hair gel any more?

Colin Jost: That’s a good point, actually.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. All I’m saying is like, pretending these people never existed is maybe not the solution. [Cut to Pete Davidson]  The rules should be that you can appreciate their work but only if you admit what they did, you know. You can buy a Mustang but only if you say “Henry Ford hated the Jews” as you buckle in. The first sentence should be, “Mark Wahlberg beat up an old Asian dude” and I would like one ticket to Daddy’s Home 3 please.” Because if it’s that important to you, at least own it. I don’t even need to see a Kevin Spacey movie again. But if CEO of Swisher Sweets turns out to be a cannibal, I can’t just change my whole life. So here’s my plan and hopefully you guys like it. Every time any of us listen to a song or watch a movie made by an accused serial predator, you have to give a dollar to charity that helps sexual assault survivors. I’ve already donated $142. That’s just from the ‘Ignition’ remix alone..

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s really nice, Pete. Is there anything else you want to talk about? Anything else going on?

Pete Davidson: No, I don’t think so.

Colin Jost: Uh-huh, not like a new girlfriend situation or anything?

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Pete Davidson]  So apparently people have a crazy fascination with our age difference. But it doesn’t really bother us. But then again, I’m new to this. So if you have questions about a relationship with a big age difference just ask Leonardo DiCaprio, Jason Statham, Michael Douglas, Richard Gere, Jeff Goldblum, Scott Disick, George Clooney, Dane Cook, Derek Jeter, Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, Tommy Lee, Sean Penn, whoever the president of France is, Mel Gibson, Billy Joel, Ben Kingsley, Mick Jagger, Live Schreiber, Sylvester Stallone, Kelsey Grammer, Larry King, Larry King, Rod Steward and Donald Trump.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: You’re going down, Che. You’re going down.

Michael Che: I don’t even know what I did.

Weekend Update: Leslie Jones’ Funeral Plans | Season 44 Episode 15

Michael Che

Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che at his news set]

Michael Che: Spring is around the corner which means lots of brides have been planning their weddings. Here to talk about what she’s here to talk about what she’s been planning in our own Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones joins Michael Che]

Leslie Jones: Woo! How you doing Mr. Che.

Michael Che: You can just call me Michael.

Leslie Jones: Yeah, I don’t really know you like that. I ain’t never been on this side of the desk. So it’s Mr. Che.

Michael Che: Okay. So you’re planning a wedding?

Leslie Jones: Hell, no. I’m never getting married. But I am planning the big show, my funeral. Ha-ha.

Michael Che: Are you dying?

Leslie Jones: No, Mr. Che, don’t worry. I just want to make sure [Cut to Leslie Jones] my funeral is planned the way I want it. First off, it’s going to be an open casket. Because I’m going to be naked.

[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]

Michael Che: What?

Leslie Jones: Yeah, it’s the last time everybody’s going to get to see me. So I want them to see it all. I got nothing to hide. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I’ve been trying to get you all to see me naked for a while now. Also, my funeral is a 90 minutes service. Okay, ain’t going to be six hour Aretha franklin shenanigans. Everybody don’t need to speak. For real, my casket is set to blow up if the funeral goes longer than 90 minutes.

[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]

Michael Che: Who do you want to speak at your funeral?

Leslie Jones: Stifler. Stifler is going to speak.

Michael Che: Stifler from ‘American Pie’?

Leslie Jones: I love him. Let’s see, who else is on the guest list?

Michael Che: You got a guest list for you funeral?

Leslie Jones: And a seating chart. I told you Mr. Che, this is the big show.

Michael Che: It’s just Michael.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones:  So J. Lo and A. Rod, congrats. You’re going to be sitting court-side, but I need to make something very clear, J. Lo, you ain’t going to be singing bitch. I love you, boo, but no. Okay, I want Fantasia Barrino to sing. You know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]

Michael Che: From ‘American Idol’?

Leslie Jones: No, not the Fantasia white people know. I want the Fantasia black people know. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I want the back of the church eating a fish sandwich Fantasia. I want the sweaty face kicking her shoes off before she goes  [making weird noise]–  That’s Fantasia Barrino I want. And I want everything at my funeral. I want run from Run-DMC. To be the preacher. I want the little girl from the Sia videos to come out and do an interpretive dance of my life. There’s going to be a cash bar. Because my cousin Tamina is bartending and she needs that money.

[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]

Michael Che: And then you’re going to be buried?

Leslie Jones: No, I don’t want a burial. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I want my naked body to be put on a float and floated out to sea. And have Aquaman dressed upa as Khal Drogo.

[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]

Michael Che: Jason Momoa?

Leslie Jones: Ain’t no man with the look like that should be going by the name Jason. [Cut to Leslie Jones] His name is Aquaman. So I want Aquaman dressed as Khal Drogo to shoot an arrow of fire at my body and burn me like the warrior princess I am. And then turn my ashes into weed.

[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]

Michael Che: Leslie Jones, everybody. For weekend update.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Behind the Sketch: Diner Lobster with John Mulaney and Colin Jost | Season 44 Episode 14

Colin Jost

Waiter… John Mulaney

Pete Davidson and Chris Redd

Kloset… Kate McKinnon

Lobster… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hi, I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost and John Mulaney] I’m here with John Mulaney.

John Mulaney: Hey, Colin.

Colin Jost: And we’re here to talk to you guys about Diner Lobster, a sketch that we originally wrote in 2010, but then did not see the light of day until John hosted last year and resurrected it.

[Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster]

Waiter: Did you two order yet?

Pete and Chris: No.

Waiter: Did you two carve gang signs into the baby changing station?

John Mulaney: It’s ‘Who Am I’ from Les Mis, and we just said the titles of them. [Cut to John and Colin] And no one knew and then we didn’t prep them well and it was a singing lobster at the table. It didn’t do well. And it wasn’t one of those things that didn’t do well and later, people are like, “I like that.”

Colin Jost: No. No one came up to those after.

John Mulaney: It was long too. The writing night was really fun because we sat in your office that you shared with Kenan.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yes, I think we both consider the London [Cut to Colin and John] live recording. It was like the 10th or 15th anniversary recording. Was for both of us, the defining signature edition of Les Mis.

John Mulaney: I remember listening to song after song. It was really fun.

Colin Jost: And they were all–

John Mulaney: They were all great. [Cut to John Mulaney] And I think Forte came in and you had an appointment to write with them. [Cut to Colin and John] And he said, “Are you writing Alen?” And you said, “I’m going to need another couple of hours.” And he went, “Oh, okay.” You know the biggest thing in it was that Kenan’s lobster daughter played by Kate McKinnon was named Klaset. Had it named Klaws in the musical and —

Colin Jost: It suddenly changed.

John Mulaney: And that was your joke. You typed it and then you looked over me, and I was like, “Absolutely”.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: But then when you came back to host, we talked about it. We were like, “What’s a big number for a table read?” You kind of want to end the table read on a big musical bang or a loud thing.

[Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster]

Waiter: And why would someone on a whim, choose from all to order him, who is this guy..

[Cut to Colin and John]

Colin Jost: Then it actually worked at the table and I think we were like, “Wow, is this real?” Kenan being the lobster, Kenan is the one who says Kloset. He knows to say it very clearly and wait for five seconds for the audience to understand what hell he is talking about.

[Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster]

Kloset: Papa.

Lobster: Kloset. Oh, what are you doing here?

[Cut to Colin and John]

Colin Jost: Just the first note where you start hearing [Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster] ‘Who am I?” coming, and you saw Kenan like posing so proudly as a lobster.

Lobster: Who am I? And why am I condemned to boil alive.

[Cut to Colin and John]

Colin Jost: Every department–

John Mulaney: Did an exceptional job.

Colin Jost: Oh, totally. Yeah.

[Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster]

John Mulaney: You have a wall open. A tank of water, that is not actually filled with water. And then they have the barricade slide in.

Waiter: From the barricade.

Chris Redd: Wait, there’s a barricade?

Pete Davidson: Oh, this diner has an incredible set design.

[Cut to Colin and John]

John Mulaney: All time right. I once couldn’t get to go across.

[Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster]

When the churning in your bowls

matches the burning of his shell

You’ll know why lobsters in a diner never sell

[Cut to Colin and John]

John Mulaney: Lobster diner had the biggest applause I ever experienced in the studio.

[Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster]

Lobsters.

You don’t order them!

In diners!

[Cut to John Mulaney]

John Mulaney: That was great. And that was like, “This place is going to feel like a wonderful TV studio, it felt like both the TV studio and like a concert hall”. [Cut to Colin and John] And we won an Ally award from —

Colin Jost: From PETA.

John Mulaney: From PETA. People from the Ethical Treatment of the Animals for promotion of animal welfare in sketch-com. Because we saved the lobsters. [Cut to John Mulaney] Thank you for watching this discussion of the history of Diner Lobster. I’m hosting Saturday Night Live this Saturday, March 2nd. And if this video was not 17 minutes, then they may cut!