Yolanda Batista… Ana de Armas
Donna Colonoscopini… Chloe Fineman
Yolanda Batista: Is your dog hot and it knows it?
Donna Colonoscopini: Has it cruised by on looks its entire life?
Yolanda Batista: Do you caught your dog looking at itself in the mirror?
Donna Colonoscopini: But it sucks in its cheeks like this? Then your jobs might be the perfect candidate for Enter Stage Woof acting school for dogs.
Yolanda Batista: Hi I’m Jolanda Batista.
Donna Colonoscopini: And I’m Donna Colonoscopini. And I semi-accredited school office acting training for canine kiddies like this. Get in here Henry. [pulls in a golden retriever] Oh boy. Now Sure, sure. Oh Henry.
Yolanda Batista: Oh, that’s-
Donna Colonoscopini: Henry is doing a little improv. Sure. Henry is the total package. Winning smile, golden logs and those big photogenic nuts.
Yolanda Batista: Good looks and everything. You know, casting directors want to see emotional range. Watch. Henry. You just found out you have worms. Show me shock. [the dog doesn’t react]
Donna Colonoscopini: Alright. Henry, you go into the vet to get clipped and they don’t mean your nails. Show me fear. [the dog doesn’t react, but a pair of artificial paws are covering its eyes] Perfect. You booked it.
Yolanda Batista: You may have seen the trailer for that movie “Strays.” None of our dogs got the job.
Donna Colonoscopini: But damn it, they got in the room. Just like Coco here. [pulls in a pug]
Yolanda Batista: Yes. Coco may not be classical beautiful, but she’s dripping in sex appeal.
Donna Colonoscopini: Oh, she ever? And she’ll go full nude if they pay the price.
Yolanda Batista: She’ll do it even if it’s not.
Donna Colonoscopini: Oh, look at those nips. Looking for a dog that can pull up romantic comedy? Then look no further than Romeo. [pulls in a dog] Yeah Romeo. It’s under contract to Disney. How? By learning our patented lady in the tramp technique. Watch. [she puts noodles in her mouth and tries to feed it to the dog] Wow. I think I’m in love.
Yolanda Batista: It’s adorable and castable.
Donna Colonoscopini: High-five Romeo. Well, he’s a regular Marlon Brando dog. Our instructors are ready to handle every aspect of your dog’s career from social media to headshots. And we can even cover up embarrassing scandals.
Yolanda Batista: Yeah, like if your dog is kinky and gets caught hooking up with a cat.
Donna Colonoscopini: Not convinced? Listen to the satisfied customer.[Punkie walks in]
Punkie: This is my Tie. He has been taking classes here for years. In fact, you probably recognize him from the movie “Moonlight” where he was walking by on the beach during the handjob scene. That was a fun set. Thank you Dog Acting School.
Donna Colonoscopini: Oh, did someone say accent? Take a look at this talented Pooch.
Yolanda Batista: Biscuit, do French.[voice over artist says something in French.]
Donna Colonoscopini: Wow, l’-woof. I think that means the bark.
Yolanda Batista: We even teach puppies like this little fella named Jelly Bean.
Donna Colonoscopini: Now, Jelly Bean just got casted a movie where he plays an alien that destroys Seattle. Let’s rehearse. Oh, Seattle. Oh, Seattle. Oh no, Seattle. Oh no. Oh no.
Yolanda Batista: Okay. Good job, Jelly Bean.
Donna Colonoscopini: Seattle more like dead. So enroll today and in no time your dog will be the next Clint Eastwood. At Enter Stage Woof, Acting School for Dogs.