Tag: Commercial

Dog Acting School Commercial

Yolanda Batista… Ana de Armas

Donna Colonoscopini… Chloe Fineman

Yolanda Batista: Is your dog hot and it knows it?

Donna Colonoscopini: Has it cruised by on looks its entire life?

Yolanda Batista: Do you caught your dog looking at itself in the mirror?

Donna Colonoscopini: But it sucks in its cheeks like this? Then your jobs might be the perfect candidate for Enter Stage Woof acting school for dogs.

Yolanda Batista: Hi I’m Jolanda Batista.

Donna Colonoscopini: And I’m Donna Colonoscopini. And I semi-accredited school office acting training for canine kiddies like this. Get in here Henry. [pulls in a golden retriever] Oh boy. Now Sure, sure. Oh Henry.

Yolanda Batista: Oh, that’s-

Donna Colonoscopini: Henry is doing a little improv. Sure. Henry is the total package. Winning smile, golden logs and those big photogenic nuts.

Yolanda Batista: Good looks and everything. You know, casting directors want to see emotional range. Watch. Henry. You just found out you have worms. Show me shock. [the dog doesn’t react]

Donna Colonoscopini: Alright. Henry, you go into the vet to get clipped and they don’t mean your nails. Show me fear. [the dog doesn’t react, but a pair of artificial paws are covering its eyes] Perfect. You booked it.

Yolanda Batista: You may have seen the trailer for that movie “Strays.” None of our dogs got the job.

Donna Colonoscopini: But damn it, they got in the room. Just like Coco here. [pulls in a pug]

Yolanda Batista: Yes. Coco may not be classical beautiful, but she’s dripping in sex appeal.

Donna Colonoscopini: Oh, she ever? And she’ll go full nude if they pay the price.

Yolanda Batista: She’ll do it even if it’s not.

Donna Colonoscopini: Oh, look at those nips. Looking for a dog that can pull up romantic comedy? Then look no further than Romeo. [pulls in a dog] Yeah Romeo. It’s under contract to Disney. How? By learning our patented lady in the tramp technique. Watch. [she puts noodles in her mouth and tries to feed it to the dog] Wow. I think I’m in love.

Yolanda Batista: It’s adorable and castable.

Donna Colonoscopini: High-five Romeo. Well, he’s a regular Marlon Brando dog. Our instructors are ready to handle every aspect of your dog’s career from social media to headshots. And we can even cover up embarrassing scandals.

Yolanda Batista: Yeah, like if your dog is kinky and gets caught hooking up with a cat.

Donna Colonoscopini: Not convinced? Listen to the satisfied customer.

[Punkie walks in]

Punkie: This is my Tie. He has been taking classes here for years. In fact, you probably recognize him from the movie “Moonlight” where he was walking by on the beach during the handjob scene. That was a fun set. Thank you Dog Acting School.

Donna Colonoscopini: Oh, did someone say accent? Take a look at this talented Pooch.

Yolanda Batista: Biscuit, do French.

[voice over artist says something in French.]

Donna Colonoscopini: Wow, l’-woof. I think that means the bark.

Yolanda Batista: We even teach puppies like this little fella named Jelly Bean.

Donna Colonoscopini: Now, Jelly Bean just got casted a movie where he plays an alien that destroys Seattle. Let’s rehearse. Oh, Seattle. Oh, Seattle. Oh no, Seattle. Oh no. Oh no.

Yolanda Batista: Okay. Good job, Jelly Bean.

Donna Colonoscopini: Seattle more like dead. So enroll today and in no time your dog will be the next Clint Eastwood. At Enter Stage Woof, Acting School for Dogs.

Drug Commercial

Keith… Andrew Dismukes

Molly Shannon

Molly Kearney

Ego Nwodim

Keith: Okay, looks like our actors have arrived on set. What do you say we do this thing?

Molly: I know I’m ready.

Kearney: Yeah.

Ego: Let’s do it. Yeah.

Molly: Keath, I just wanted to say, thank you so much for letting me do this drug commercial. I’m someone who never thought much about medications until I got older. But this script is really sensitive to women’s issues, and honestly, I think will help people.

Keith: Well, thank you. I hope so too. What do you say? We’ll give it a try, huh?

Molly: I think that sounds terrific.

Keith: All right, places everybody. And action.

[music playing]

Molly: There is a new drugs for gals over 40
it’s hormone free and made just for me.
easy to use, and it’s super effective

Ego and Kearney: That’s unexpected, so what is it called?

Molly: It’s called Vagerted,
how great a name is that, it’s called Vagerted

Ego and Kearney: And where is it inserted?

Molly: I think you already know
and once Vergerted inside you, then you’re ready to go

All: Whoo!

Keith: And cut. Okay, wow. Not bad for first take, y’all.

Molly: I actually just have a concern slash question.

Keith: Oh, you don’t think it’s dignified enough?

Molly: No, that’s not it at all. I actually really love what you’re doing with Vegerted.. I was just wondering if we’re all doing it justice. Like, some of us are up here really selling it and then some of us or maybe one or two of us are not quite giving it the same energy. I don’t want to put fingers. I don’t know. I would just be so sad if people didn’t buy Vegerted because the dancing was mid.

Ego: Okay, I don’t know what that was. But I also have a question. This drug is from menopause. Right? So why doesn’t the song just come out and say that?

Keith: Well, we don’t want people to change the channel. Let’s try this next verse and get a little more energy this time.

Molly: That’s a great note. It’s a great note for everyone. [looking around]

Keith: Okay. And action.

Molly: In just one week you’ll notice the difference
insert it down there just deep as you can
no more high flashes, good bye to libido

Ego and Kearney: Well, that’s needed, what is it called?

Molly: Vegerted, that’s the name they chose
they chose Vegerted
come on girls, let’s dance

Kenan: Vegeta is not for everybody. So ask your doctor if it’s right for you. If he says no, find another doctor. Just keep going to different doctors until one of them says you can take Vegeta.

Kearney: What did he call it?

Kenan: Do not use the Vegeta if you are allergic to Vegeta. If you are allergic to peanuts, don’t you put a peanut in your Vageta.

Ego: Peanut?

Kenan: Everybody reacts differently to Vegeta. Some people like Vegeta, some people do not. I personally think Vegeta Gina very nice. Clinical trials of Vegeta have not yet been completed, in the sense that they have not yet started.

Ego: That’s not good.

Kenan: Vegeta should not be taken orally, even though it tastes real good. It is highly addictive. It gives you an alcohol like Buzz but with no hangover. I wish I had a Vegeta so I can take Vegeta. Try vagina today.

Molly: Okay, can we stop?

Ego: Yeah, he just said try vagina today. This product sounds really awful.

Molly: I’ll tell you what’s awful. Look around. It’s like one of us is Beyonce and the other two are really bad at dancing.

Kearney: What’s your problem? You were so nice at the audition.

Molly: Yeah, that’s what I do.

Ego: Okay, we’re out of here.

Kearney: Good luck, Keith, you’ll never replace us.

Molly: Well, now what do we do?

Kenan: Hit the music.

Molly: There’s a new drug for gals over 40

Kenan: It’s called va-jay-jay

Molly: I think it’s Vegerted.

Kenan: Whatever. Just dance.

Male voice: Ask your doctor if Vajayjay is right for you.

HIV Commercial

Aubrey Plaza

Tommy… Mikey Day

Mario… Marcello Hernandez

Michael Longfellow

Jamal… Devon Walker

[Starts with people shooting at a studio]

Aubrey: All right. Let’s try to get this next shot in before lunch. I threw my breakfast at my assistant, so I’m starving. Tommy, I want you dancing on top. Camera then cuts to Mario. You’re poor and everybody shots. And then Jamal, you give your line while toasting Mario. sound good?

Jamal: Yep.

Tommy: Yeah.

Aubrey: Okay, places.

Michael: Divato commercial, club scene, take one.

Aubrey: Action.

Tommy: Living with HIV, I learned I could stay undetectable with fewer medicines.

Mario: Most HIV pills have so many medicines, but Divato has less and it’s just as effective.

Jamal: That’s why I switched to Divato HIV treatment. I didn’t gay though.

Aubrey: Cut. Okay, that was a good first run, guys. Tommy, maybe a little better dancing up top.

Tommy: Yeah, got it. I can do a little more.

Aubrey: Not really more. Just better. Perfect Mario. And Jamal, buddy, I feel like you may be added a little there at the end.

Jamal: No, I don’t think I did that. No.

Aubrey: No, definitely.

Jamal: Okay.

Aubrey: The line is “That’s why I switched to do Divato HIV treatment,” then full stop.

Jamal: Yep. Got it. All right.

Aubrey: Good?

Jamal: Yes. Okay, let’s go again, from the top. And action.

Tommy: living with HIV, I learned I could stay undetectable with fewer medicines.

Mario: Most HIV pills have so many medicines, but Divato has less, and it’s just as effective.

Jamal: That’s why I switched to the bottle HIV treatment. Fact you can get HIV from a girl. That’s how I did it.

Aubrey: Cut. Again. Again, wow.

Tommy: Did I mess up the dancing?

Aubrey: Yeah. It was worse this time. Once again, Mario, perfection. And Jamal.

Jamal: Yeah.

Aubrey: Buddy, you know what I’m gonna say.

Jamal: Oh, I messed up the dancing.

Aubrey: No. You add libs again. Are you comfortable with the script?

Jamal: No, I’m not at all.

Aubrey: What’s the problem?

Jamal: I just feel like it’s not clear that my character’s a stright, respectfully.

Aubrey: Okay, well, he’s not. This scene takes place at a gay club.

Jamal: Oh, word. Okay.

Aubrey: Yeah. Is that going to be a problem for you?

Jamal: No, not at all. I just ain’t know that.

Aubrey: Great, because I’d really love to get this scene wrapped before my salad gets cold. It’s a hot salad. Okay? All right. And let’s go again. And action.

Tommy: Living with HIV, I learned I could say undetectable with fewer medici—

Jamal: Yo dude, I think it’s a gay club.

Tommy: What?

Jamal: I mean, you know, you know, I’m cool with that. I just didn’t know that.

Tommy: Okay.

Jamal: Facts. There’d be mad straight girls at the gay club and they’d be ready and that’s where I come in.

Tommy: Can somebody please yell cut?

Aubrey: Cut, cut, cut. [Aubrey is eating her salad] Sorry. Sorry, I took a bite of my hot salad. It burned the roof of my mouth.

Jamal: How did I do?

Aubrey: It was the worst thing I’ve ever seen. Besides Tommy’s dancing.

Tommy: I’m trying.

Jamal: I just feel like since I’m straight, my guy should be straight too. You know what I’m saying?

Mario: Dude, it’s just acting bro. I’m not actually gay either.

Jamal: Okay, cap.

Aubrey: Jamal, if you’re uncomfortable, we can just give your lines to Mario.

Jamal: Okay, do I still get paid the same?

Aubrey: No, you don’t get paid. You just go home.

Jamal: But I really need this job.

Aubrey: Okay, then say the lines.

Jamal: Okay, what is my guy got HIV from basketball like Magic Johnson?

Aubrey: No. Look, I appreciate you coming down but clearly you’re not mature enough to handle this role.

Jamal: Yeah. That’s a fact.

Aubrey: So why don’t you and Tommy just leave. Please.

Tommy: Wait. what? Me?

Kanye Skechers Commercial

[Starts with video clips of people jogging]

Cecily: Here at Skechers, we pride ourselves on two things, making stylish comfortable shoes at an affordable price and having zero tolerance for anti semitism.

Bowen: That’s why earlier this week when Kanye West showed up at our corporate office asking to work with us, we said no.

Chloe: No way.

Marcello: No.

Punkie: No, thank you.

Bowen: And we immediately escorted him out of the building.

Cecily: Like the rest of the country, we were appalled by Kanye is horrific comments, and we vow to never work with him in any capacity. But can we also point out that of all the companies he could have approached and been rejected by, he chose Skechers. Skechers has always been a hip edgy company.

Punkie: Everyone knows that. So of course, Kanye came to us first.

Chloe: Kanye came to Skechers and Skechers said no. Do you realize how insanely satisfying that is?

Cecily: I guess you could say that Skechers employees are kind of heroes. Like Celie maybe.

Bowen: Two years ago, could you have imagined the headline “Skechers too good for Kanye”?

Cecily: I actually feel high. Like I think this is what cocaine feels like.

Punkie: Corporate was like, “We can’t work with Kanye West. He’s crazy now.” I was like, “Now?”

Cecily: It took Adidas so many days to decide not to work with him. I mean, he walked in and we were like, “Bye. Bye-bye. Door!”

Bowen: And sure Kanye and Skechers would have been a perfect partnership. He’s always been a disruptor in the fashion industry.

Marcello: And we invented shoes you can wash in a washing machine.

Bowen: But again, we would never partner with him.

Chloe: Never.

Cecily: Absolutely not.

Bowen: Besides, what would you even call a Kanye Skechers shoe anyway? The Skeezy? it’s actually not bad.

Marcello: But we’re not doing it.

Chloe: Right. Because of the anti semitism.

Cecily: I’m proud to work for Skechers. I mean, when’s the last time I’ve said that? All we want is for people to know where Skechers stands.

Chloe: And for a little recognition of how cool this makes us look.

Cecily: But it’s not all about us. It’s not like all birds is fighting the fight.

Bowen: Now I noticed we haven’t heard anything from Crocs not saying Crocs is anti semitic. I just think it’s interesting we haven’t heard from them.

Cecily: And if you want to tweet your support to Sketchers, just a reminder, there’s no ‘T’ in Sketchers. #SketchersHeroes. No ‘T’ in heroes either. But I think people know that.

Bowen: So thanks, but no thanks, Kanye.

Marcello: We don’t need you.

Chloe: We don’t stand with you.

Cecily: And we might mess up in the future. But we didn’t this time.

Bowen: And besides, I’m sure Kanye will find some morally dubious company to work with instead.

[Cut to My Pillow commercial]

Mike Lindell: He’s sure will. Hey, it’s me Mike Lindell, founder of My Pillow. And I’m proud to announce that we are starting ties with Kanye West. In fact, immediately.

Male voice: My Pillow, Sketcher’s trash is My Pillow’s treasure.

Womens Commercial

[Starts with three women standing and talking on camera]

Chloe: I want to express myself because I’m young and hard and I want to show it.

Melissa: And I want to look as young as I feel.

Sarah: But anti aging creams and hair dyes have harmful chemicals that just aren’t me.

Melissa: Because I’m eco friendly and a little funky too.

All: What did we do?

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Both: Sounds like you need gray adult pigtails.

Kate: Number one hairstyle for whimsical women of a certain age.

Aidy: Whether you’re a puppeteer…

Kate: A pet psychic…

Aidy: Or someone’s aunt’s therapists wife.

Kate: You need a hairstyle that says “People are going to be talking about me for years after meeting me for five minutes.”

Aidy: Because you’re unique.

Kate: You love art.

Aidy: And you want people to see you and think “Got it.”

Kate: So grab two elastics and change your life with gray adult pigtails.

Aidy: Because you never stopped smoking pot. Why should your hair? Pair it with…

Kate: A Cranberries t shirt…

Aidy: Children’s to-to…

Kate: This bag.

Aidy: Denim overalls, naked underneath…

Kate: And Rasta hat in culturally neutral color.

[cut to Heidi]

Heidi: You wish you could be this whimsical? I look how incense smells. I grow all my own food but my electric bill for twinkle lights would blow your mind.

[Cut to Natasha]

Natasha: I have a boyfriend who comes over once a week. He lives in the woods, keeps bongos in his truck and is very much a sculptor.

[boyfriend walks in]

Richard: Hey, pussycat.

Natasha: Richard baby, how’d you sculpt and go today?

Richard: Hmm, I don’t know. [pulls in a bad sculpture] Do these sharp rusty beauties answer your question?

Natasha: Oh, Richard baby. You’re a genius. I love your mind even more than your body.

Richard: And you know what else she loves? My great adult pig tail [showing his pigtail beard].

Natasha: That’s right, they’re not just for ladies. They’re for Richard too.

[cut back to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: You are married to that golf playing doctor for way too long. You want to attract the right kind of man.

Aidy: When I put my gray hair way up high, I immediately got an amazing boyfriend.

Kate: Me too. The same one.

[Richard walks in]

Aidy: Yeah, we’re all dating Richard. He’s like if a guy was magic and we’ll love him forever.

Kate: Nine years ago, we met at a white Buddhist temple for swingers.

Aidy: Yeah, and he’s a freak for these gray adult pigtails.

Richard: What can I say? Can’t ride a bike with no handle bars.

All: [blushing] Come on, Richard!

[Asian girl walks in]

Asian girl: Are we talking about piggy ties?

[cheers and applause]

Look what I made. It’s an extremely sharp metal guitar.

Kate: You know what we should do. Let’s blow the metal roof off this place. Hit it.

[asian girl playing guitar]

All: [singing] The seasons, they go round and round
and the painted moldings, they go up and down

Male voice: Grey adult pigtails. Find them at any natural health booster?

Men’s Underwear Commercial

[Starts with clips of men working out and playing sports]

Alex: You’re a man.

Chris: Tough.

Kyle: Strong.

James: Rugged.

Chris: And you need underwear that’s the same.

Kyle: Not some designer junk that comes in a fancy little tube.

Alex: For my manly body, that ain’t gonna cut it. You might as well throw those underwear right in the trash.

Chris: And if you’re like me, you’re sick of throwing your underwear in trash.

Alex: Like, one time you make a little mistake, [doing squats] now you gotta throw your underwear in the trash again. What a rip off.

Kyle: Well, not anymore.

Female voice: Introducing Jake’s non-stick underwear for men. The only underwear that’s made with a high-tech ceramic coating you find in the world’s finest cook wear insuring maximum protection for you manly mistakes.

Chris: Coz you’re a man and you work hard for your money.

James: So, stop wasting it by putting your underwear in two plastic bags, tying it in a knot and throwing them in a very bottom of the bathroom trash every time you make a mistake.

Alex: With Jake’s non-stick underwear, my mistakes slide right off, right down my pant leg.

Kyle: And they’re easy to clean. Just wipe with a cloth or dry paper towel and they’re as good as new.

James: Now, the only thing you gotta worry about is putting those paper towels in two plastic bags along with your pants, sometimes your socks, tying them in a knot and tossing that out of your office window.

Alex: That’s way cheaper. So, no more itching in your board meetings.

Chris: No more hearing, “You know who make fun of your mistakes to her friends”.

Ego: [talking on phone] Girl, it was like somebody dragged this man in mud. Don’t make any sense. And he didn’t even notice.

Kyle: You shouldn’t have to buy a new underwear every time you get nervous at an important dinner.

Chris: Or you cough too hard.

Kyle: Or you got hit in the stomach.

James: Or your new protein powder doesn’t agree with you.

Alex: Or coz you had whiskey last night.

Chris: Or sometimes, nothing at all. It’s like you wipe real good for like, an hour. And nothing is on the paper. And then you go home, it’s a warsack test in the back of your pants.

Ego: [on the phone] He’s like a little boy.

Chris: I’m a man!

Female voice: Yes, you are. So, ask your doctor about Jake’s Non-stick prescription underwear for men.

Skims Commercial

Kim Kardashian

D’ennis… Kenan Thompson

Heidi Gardner

Sarah Sherman

Melissa Villaseñor

Aristotle Athari

[Starts with Kim Kardashian getting touch up for her commercial shoot]

Kim Kardashian: I’m Kim Kardashian West. I’m a mother, millionaire, law student and billionaire. I’m also the proud owner of Skims shape wear products. Skims is giving comfort and support to millions of women of all shapes and sizes. But we’re just getting started. Introducing new Skims shape wear for thick dogs. The only product on the market that will comfortably accentuate your dog’s curves, no matter how thick that butt.

[D’ennis walks in]

D’ennis: Hi. I’m D’ennis, hair designer at Skims for thick dogs. And this is my dog Dilicious. [There’s a dog that looks crooked] As you can see, she ain’t no toothpick. Home girl got a badonk like her daddy. Making it almost impossible to find clothes for her until now. [someone passes him his dog wearing Skims] Now she looks so good, I can’t believe she’s still with me.

Kim Kardashian: but don’t just take our word for it.

[Cut to Heidi with her dog wearing Skims]

Heidi: As a dog owner, I was amazed at the wide selection of fashionable looks for tiny skinny dogs. But full figured dogs need a way to show what they’re working with too. Thanks Skims.

[Cut to Sarah with her dog wearing Skims]

Sarah: All the other dogs used to pay no attention to my thick dog. But now with Skims we can’t walk down the street without rockets popping out.

[Cut to Melissa with her dog]

Melissa: My god used to be ashamed of how she looked. But Skims gave her confidence. And now, she’s dating Scott Disick.

[Cut to Aristotle wearing weird shirt]

Aristotle: Wait, these are for dogs?

Kim Kardashian: They sure are. And Skims for thick dogs come in all the classic Skims colors.

D’ennis: Like beige, brown, and that’s it.

Kim Kardashian: Now, every dog can be a designer dog with Skims for thick dogs.

D’ennis: And they only take like, 90 minutes to put on.

Kim Kardashian: And I know what you’re thinking. Did we make holes where the poop comes out?

D’ennis: And the answer is obviously no. That is gross. Get your mouth out the gutter.

Kim Kardashian: So, stop wasting all your money in getting cosmetic surgery on your dog and just get Skims.

D’ennis: And turn your good girl into a bad bitch.

Male voice: New Skims for thick ass dogs. Looks so good, you’ll be saying, “Damn! Am I really thinking this about a dog right now?”

December to Remember Car Commercial

Nathan… Beck Bennett

Cathy… Heidi Gardner

Matt… Timothée Chalamet

Mike… Mikey Day

[Starts with a father, mother and their son sitting near their Christmas decoration.]

Nathan: Yes, it’ll fit perfectly. Hey, Matt, I think there might be one more gift for your mom right there.

[Matt brings the gift box for Cathy.]

Female voice: It hasn’t been a normal year. So this Christmas, get her something extra ordinary during the Lexux December to Remember sale event.

[There’s a Lexus car key inside the box.]

Cathy: Nathan, you didn’t.

Nathan: With flexible financing and 0% APR, there has never been a better time to buy or lease a new Lexus.

[Nathan runs outside. There’s a very nice car there.]

Matt: Wow!

Nathan: Merry Christmas, baby.

Cathy: [angry] Are you fucking kidding me Nathan? Did you seriously buy a car without asking me?

Nathan: Well, because for Christmas.

Cathy: This is a major purchase.

Nathan: Right. But it was a December to remember.

Cathy: It’s a Lexus. We don’t have the money for this, Nathan.

Matt: We don’t?

Cathy: No, we don’t. Your father doesn’t– Your father hasn’t worked since last March.

Matt: What?

Nathan: Yeah. Covid has hit a lot of people hard and I’m no exception.

Cathy: Nathan, you got fired in March 2019. Covid had nothing to do with it.

Nathan: Hey pal. I guess your old man’s busted.

[Cut to Lexus car commercial]

Female voice: It’s beginning to look a lot like savings. So, get to your local Lexus dealer today.

Cathy: How much did you spend on this ridiculous car, Nathan?

Nathan: It was only 3999 to it’s signing. Four grand. It’s not that much, babe.

Cathy: And how much is the monthly payment?

Nathan: The what?

Cathy: Did you think this entire car cost $4000?

Nathan: Uh-huh.

Cathy: There’s a monthly payment.

Nathan: Yes. With 0% apur. I think it’s all good.

Cathy: Apur? Do you mean APR?

Nathan: I’m pretty sure it’s apur.

Matt: Wow. Just, wow.

Nathan: Hey, come on. It’s Christmas. This is good. I did a good thing for us. [takes a can of beer out of his pocket] Let’s enjoy it. [drinks the beer]

Matt: Dad, it’s nine in the morning.

Nathan: So? It’s not like I have work later. Ha-ha. Come on!

[a neighbor walks to them.]

Mike: Hey.

Nathan: Hey, neighbor.

Mike: You bought a Lexus? You come to me three weeks ago, “Oh, Mike, help me. I need money. I can’t buy Christmas gifts for my family. My wife doesn’t respect me.”

Nathan: I didn’t say that.

Mike: My wife’s cheating on me with everyone.

Matt: Mom, you are? [Cathy just looks away]

Mike: I want to look cool in front of my son’s girlfriend.

Matt: Ew, dad! Is that why you pierced your ear?

Nathan: No, I’ve had this forever. [his piercing is fresh and bleeding]

Mike: I just need five grand to get back on my feet. And then you buy a Lexus?

Nathan: Yes. Well, it was beginning to look a lot like savings at my Lexus dealer.

Mike: I want my money back, man. Tomorrow! [looks at Cathy] Hey, Cathy. [Cathy waves at him with flirty looks]

Nathan: What is that look?

Cathy: You know what? We’re taking this car back to the dealership now.

Matt: I better drive.

Nathan: Maybe we stop by Jenna’s on the way over. She this cool car your dad got. Hah?

Cathy: Shut up.

Female voice: Give the gift of Lexus. And definitely, talk it over first.

Graduation Commercial

Amy Mitchell… Kate McKinnon

Oliver Klein… Kyle Mooney

Ashley Brandt… Aidy Bryant

Natt Jones… Chris Redd

Courtney King… Heidi Gardner

Debin Alma… Pete Davidson

[Starts with video clips of high school events]

Male voice: Summer is just around the corner. So, kick things off right with the most highly anticipated event in town. “James Madison High School Graduation.” It’s gonna be Hot as Hell. 100 grads, 400 family members. All in direct three plus hours. Grandpa might pass out. It all kicks off with class speaker Amy Mitchell who does not know how to work that mic.

[Amy walks to the podium and speaks. She is looking here and there and the mic isn’t catching everything she’s saying.]

Amy: Sometimes I wish [inaudible] and that I could stay at this school [inaudible].

Male voice: Followed by victorian Oliver Klein, the smartest kid in class giving the world’s saltiest speech.

[Oliver walks to the podium.]

Oliver: Some of us weren’t considered cool or popular. And girls didn’t notice me. But in few years, boy oh boy, things are gonna change. You’re gonna wish you have gotten with me. Congratulations to the class of 2018.

Male voice: Bitter much? Bad enough? I didn’t think so. Because it’s time for the main event. Handing out diplomas. All your favorites will be there. Like, grads with unfortunate names.

Principal: Witney Slickt.

[the girl makes sad face]

Male voice: And class radical Ashley Brandt who is making a confused political statement with her gown.

[Ashley walks to podium and holds the mic.]

Get your laws off my uterus. And save the honey bees!

Male voice: Pick a lane! And how about Natt Jones who has been telling every one he’s going to do a back handspring but then bails it the last minute?

[Natt is ready for the backflip but he doesn’t do it. Everyone is staring at him. He just walks out.]

And when visibly pregnant senior Courtney King takes the stage, watch that news hit the parents section like an atomic bomb.

[As Courtney walks to the front, the parents are shocked and are talking bout her.]

Who’s the father?

And just when you thought the fun was over, watch your principal confidently mispronounce the Indian kid’s last name.

Principal: Parswa– Parsajabadajubis.

Male voice: Butchered! And of course, everybody’s dabbing. Dab! Dab! Dab! Dab!

[Courtney King is walking]

Is it a boy or a girl? It’s a Dab!

And after the ceremony, it’s time for dads with iPads!  [All the old men are taking their iPads out to take pictures.] And lots of group pictures where no one knows which phone to look at. Plus, secrets will be revealed. Like, when you realize goth kid Debin Alma’s parent’s are like, normal? How did that happen?

And hey, look. There is a senior having drama with his girlfriend who’s a sophmore.

[Mikey is talking to his girlfriend]

Mikey: I don’t want to date college girls. Baby, we’re not gonna break up. Okay?

Male voice: Ha-ha. Yeah, they will. It will be a thing to remember. But the only thing everyone will actually remember is when the principal fell off the stage.

[Principal is speaking on the stage walking around]

Principal: Webster defines the term gradu–

[Principal falls down the stage]

Male voice: The James Madison High School Graduation. Your grandma flew in for this.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Filming a Commercial

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Super Bowl is tomorrow. And as always, there’s a lot of excitement about the ads. Here to talk about his recent experience making an ad is our own, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Hey.

Pete Davidson: Hello. How are you?

Colin Jost: I’m great. Um, so Pete, you shot a commercial recently, right?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. A few months ago, I shot a Dockers commercial because things in my career are going exactly how I want them to go. No, I’m just playing. Dockers are great. I wear them all the time. They’re dope. It’s like they say, they’re comfy and they’re clean. They’re Dockers.

Colin Jost: Great work there. We got it. Nice. [Pete Davidson winks] Seamless plus. Great.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. For sure. The premise of the campaign was I had to go out on the streets of San Francisco and get people to take their pants off and trade them for a pair of Dockers. But what was crazy was we shot the campaign like, a month before all the Weinstein, Spacey sexual harassment stuff happened. So, like, every week more and more articles are coming out about like, these monsters and in between those articles are ads of me out on the street like, “Hey lady, you wanna take your pants off? I’m Pete Davidson.”

Colin Jost: Yeah. So, not an ideal timing.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. And I was out there like, forever. Nobody would listen to me. I felt like Al Gore trying to tell people about global warming. Miami’s not gonna exist soon, by the way. Did you know what?

[silence]

See? Nobody wants to hear that stuff.

[laughter]

Colin Jost: Anyway, the Dockers ad.

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah. So, after hours and hours, I finally got a guy to stop. And I was like, “Oh, thank god. We’ll have like, one good interview.” And I was like, “What’s up, man? What’s your name? Where are you from?” He’s like, “I’m Steve. I’m from Oakland.” I was like, “Oh! What brings you to San Francisco, Steve?” He goes, “My daughter.” And I said, “Oh, wow! That’s sweet, man. What are you? Like, visiting her college or something?” And he says, “No. She’s in the hospital.” And I was like, “Oh, my god. Is everything gonna be okay?” And he says, “I hope so. She has cancer.” And I was like, “Would you like to take your pants off and trade them in for a pair of Dockers?”

Colin Jost: Wow! That was good.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. That’s the commercial.

Colin Jost: That’s a great– Also, by the way, what happened to your hand? [pointing at Pete Davidson’s hand. He has a bandage on his right hand.]

Pete Davidson: Oh. I punched a door. It’s a really good story. You see, like, I have mental problems. [silence] That’s the story.

Colin Jost: That’s the story. Yeah. Great.

Pete Davidson: No, but it has been a learning experience. You know? I got really good at doing things with my left hand, if you know what I mean.

Colin Jost: Yes.

Pete Davidson: No, no, no. I’ve always been close with the right. But the left’s really had a chance to shine.

Colin Jost: That’s great.

Pete Davidson: You know. When Drew Bledsoe got hurt and Tom Brady sub did.

Colin Jost: Everyone knows. Everyone knows what you’re talking about.

Pete Davidson: I learned how to masturbate with my left hand.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everybody.

Pete Davidson: [pointing at his left hand] The GOAT!