December to Remember Car Commercial

Nathan… Beck Bennett

Cathy… Heidi Gardner

Matt… Timothée Chalamet

Mike… Mikey Day

[Starts with a father, mother and their son sitting near their Christmas decoration.]

Nathan: Yes, it’ll fit perfectly. Hey, Matt, I think there might be one more gift for your mom right there.

[Matt brings the gift box for Cathy.]

Female voice: It hasn’t been a normal year. So this Christmas, get her something extra ordinary during the Lexux December to Remember sale event.

[There’s a Lexus car key inside the box.]

Cathy: Nathan, you didn’t.

Nathan: With flexible financing and 0% APR, there has never been a better time to buy or lease a new Lexus.

[Nathan runs outside. There’s a very nice car there.]

Matt: Wow!

Nathan: Merry Christmas, baby.

Cathy: [angry] Are you fucking kidding me Nathan? Did you seriously buy a car without asking me?

Nathan: Well, because for Christmas.

Cathy: This is a major purchase.

Nathan: Right. But it was a December to remember.

Cathy: It’s a Lexus. We don’t have the money for this, Nathan.

Matt: We don’t?

Cathy: No, we don’t. Your father doesn’t– Your father hasn’t worked since last March.

Matt: What?

Nathan: Yeah. Covid has hit a lot of people hard and I’m no exception.

Cathy: Nathan, you got fired in March 2019. Covid had nothing to do with it.

Nathan: Hey pal. I guess your old man’s busted.

[Cut to Lexus car commercial]

Female voice: It’s beginning to look a lot like savings. So, get to your local Lexus dealer today.

Cathy: How much did you spend on this ridiculous car, Nathan?

Nathan: It was only 3999 to it’s signing. Four grand. It’s not that much, babe.

Cathy: And how much is the monthly payment?

Nathan: The what?

Cathy: Did you think this entire car cost $4000?

Nathan: Uh-huh.

Cathy: There’s a monthly payment.

Nathan: Yes. With 0% apur. I think it’s all good.

Cathy: Apur? Do you mean APR?

Nathan: I’m pretty sure it’s apur.

Matt: Wow. Just, wow.

Nathan: Hey, come on. It’s Christmas. This is good. I did a good thing for us. [takes a can of beer out of his pocket] Let’s enjoy it. [drinks the beer]

Matt: Dad, it’s nine in the morning.

Nathan: So? It’s not like I have work later. Ha-ha. Come on!

[a neighbor walks to them.]

Mike: Hey.

Nathan: Hey, neighbor.

Mike: You bought a Lexus? You come to me three weeks ago, “Oh, Mike, help me. I need money. I can’t buy Christmas gifts for my family. My wife doesn’t respect me.”

Nathan: I didn’t say that.

Mike: My wife’s cheating on me with everyone.

Matt: Mom, you are? [Cathy just looks away]

Mike: I want to look cool in front of my son’s girlfriend.

Matt: Ew, dad! Is that why you pierced your ear?

Nathan: No, I’ve had this forever. [his piercing is fresh and bleeding]

Mike: I just need five grand to get back on my feet. And then you buy a Lexus?

Nathan: Yes. Well, it was beginning to look a lot like savings at my Lexus dealer.

Mike: I want my money back, man. Tomorrow! [looks at Cathy] Hey, Cathy. [Cathy waves at him with flirty looks]

Nathan: What is that look?

Cathy: You know what? We’re taking this car back to the dealership now.

Matt: I better drive.

Nathan: Maybe we stop by Jenna’s on the way over. She this cool car your dad got. Hah?

Cathy: Shut up.

Female voice: Give the gift of Lexus. And definitely, talk it over first.

Graduation Commercial

Amy Mitchell… Kate McKinnon

Oliver Klein… Kyle Mooney

Ashley Brandt… Aidy Bryant

Natt Jones… Chris Redd

Courtney King… Heidi Gardner

Debin Alma… Pete Davidson

[Starts with video clips of high school events]

Male voice: Summer is just around the corner. So, kick things off right with the most highly anticipated event in town. “James Madison High School Graduation.” It’s gonna be Hot as Hell. 100 grads, 400 family members. All in direct three plus hours. Grandpa might pass out. It all kicks off with class speaker Amy Mitchell who does not know how to work that mic.

[Amy walks to the podium and speaks. She is looking here and there and the mic isn’t catching everything she’s saying.]

Amy: Sometimes I wish [inaudible] and that I could stay at this school [inaudible].

Male voice: Followed by victorian Oliver Klein, the smartest kid in class giving the world’s saltiest speech.

[Oliver walks to the podium.]

Oliver: Some of us weren’t considered cool or popular. And girls didn’t notice me. But in few years, boy oh boy, things are gonna change. You’re gonna wish you have gotten with me. Congratulations to the class of 2018.

Male voice: Bitter much? Bad enough? I didn’t think so. Because it’s time for the main event. Handing out diplomas. All your favorites will be there. Like, grads with unfortunate names.

Principal: Witney Slickt.

[the girl makes sad face]

Male voice: And class radical Ashley Brandt who is making a confused political statement with her gown.

[Ashley walks to podium and holds the mic.]

Get your laws off my uterus. And save the honey bees!

Male voice: Pick a lane! And how about Natt Jones who has been telling every one he’s going to do a back handspring but then bails it the last minute?

[Natt is ready for the backflip but he doesn’t do it. Everyone is staring at him. He just walks out.]

And when visibly pregnant senior Courtney King takes the stage, watch that news hit the parents section like an atomic bomb.

[As Courtney walks to the front, the parents are shocked and are talking bout her.]

Who’s the father?

And just when you thought the fun was over, watch your principal confidently mispronounce the Indian kid’s last name.

Principal: Parswa– Parsajabadajubis.

Male voice: Butchered! And of course, everybody’s dabbing. Dab! Dab! Dab! Dab!

[Courtney King is walking]

Is it a boy or a girl? It’s a Dab!

And after the ceremony, it’s time for dads with iPads!  [All the old men are taking their iPads out to take pictures.] And lots of group pictures where no one knows which phone to look at. Plus, secrets will be revealed. Like, when you realize goth kid Debin Alma’s parent’s are like, normal? How did that happen?

And hey, look. There is a senior having drama with his girlfriend who’s a sophmore.

[Mikey is talking to his girlfriend]

Mikey: I don’t want to date college girls. Baby, we’re not gonna break up. Okay?

Male voice: Ha-ha. Yeah, they will. It will be a thing to remember. But the only thing everyone will actually remember is when the principal fell off the stage.

[Principal is speaking on the stage walking around]

Principal: Webster defines the term gradu–

[Principal falls down the stage]

Male voice: The James Madison High School Graduation. Your grandma flew in for this.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Filming a Commercial

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Super Bowl is tomorrow. And as always, there’s a lot of excitement about the ads. Here to talk about his recent experience making an ad is our own, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Hey.

Pete Davidson: Hello. How are you?

Colin Jost: I’m great. Um, so Pete, you shot a commercial recently, right?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. A few months ago, I shot a Dockers commercial because things in my career are going exactly how I want them to go. No, I’m just playing. Dockers are great. I wear them all the time. They’re dope. It’s like they say, they’re comfy and they’re clean. They’re Dockers.

Colin Jost: Great work there. We got it. Nice. [Pete Davidson winks] Seamless plus. Great.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. For sure. The premise of the campaign was I had to go out on the streets of San Francisco and get people to take their pants off and trade them for a pair of Dockers. But what was crazy was we shot the campaign like, a month before all the Weinstein, Spacey sexual harassment stuff happened. So, like, every week more and more articles are coming out about like, these monsters and in between those articles are ads of me out on the street like, “Hey lady, you wanna take your pants off? I’m Pete Davidson.”

Colin Jost: Yeah. So, not an ideal timing.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. And I was out there like, forever. Nobody would listen to me. I felt like Al Gore trying to tell people about global warming. Miami’s not gonna exist soon, by the way. Did you know what?

[silence]

See? Nobody wants to hear that stuff.

[laughter]

Colin Jost: Anyway, the Dockers ad.

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah. So, after hours and hours, I finally got a guy to stop. And I was like, “Oh, thank god. We’ll have like, one good interview.” And I was like, “What’s up, man? What’s your name? Where are you from?” He’s like, “I’m Steve. I’m from Oakland.” I was like, “Oh! What brings you to San Francisco, Steve?” He goes, “My daughter.” And I said, “Oh, wow! That’s sweet, man. What are you? Like, visiting her college or something?” And he says, “No. She’s in the hospital.” And I was like, “Oh, my god. Is everything gonna be okay?” And he says, “I hope so. She has cancer.” And I was like, “Would you like to take your pants off and trade them in for a pair of Dockers?”

Colin Jost: Wow! That was good.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. That’s the commercial.

Colin Jost: That’s a great– Also, by the way, what happened to your hand? [pointing at Pete Davidson’s hand. He has a bandage on his right hand.]

Pete Davidson: Oh. I punched a door. It’s a really good story. You see, like, I have mental problems. [silence] That’s the story.

Colin Jost: That’s the story. Yeah. Great.

Pete Davidson: No, but it has been a learning experience. You know? I got really good at doing things with my left hand, if you know what I mean.

Colin Jost: Yes.

Pete Davidson: No, no, no. I’ve always been close with the right. But the left’s really had a chance to shine.

Colin Jost: That’s great.

Pete Davidson: You know. When Drew Bledsoe got hurt and Tom Brady sub did.

Colin Jost: Everyone knows. Everyone knows what you’re talking about.

Pete Davidson: I learned how to masturbate with my left hand.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everybody.

Pete Davidson: [pointing at his left hand] The GOAT!

Chantix Commercial

Kelly… Cecily Strong

[Chantix tablets commercial starts with Kelly sitting to give her testimonial.]

Female voice: Chantix presents, real stories, real people.

Kelly: I’m Kelly and I quit smoking with Chantix.

Female voice: Kelly is a real Chantix user. She is not an actress.

Kelly: Well, actually, it’s funny for you to say that because, you know, I used to be an actress.

Female voice: But she’s not anymore. She’s just here to give a testimonial.

Kelly: Alright.

Female voice: Unlike other methods, Chantix works by reducing the urge to smoke.

[Cut to Kelly in her kitchen]

Kelly: And that’s an urge I used to get constantly. Chantix was different. Sort of like, my take on Philia in the Village Player’s Prouction of Hamlet.

Female voice: But that was just community theater. So, let’s get back to Chantix.

Kelly: Well, okay, it won an award. So…

Female voice: For acting?

Kelly: We won for custumes.

[Cut to Kelly singing and dancing in her living room]

Now that I’ve quit smoking, I have more energy to do the things that matter to me. Like, gardening. Or workshopping characters from my one woman show. But don’t take my word for it. Ask my nana from the old country. [Kelly wears a scarf around her head and starts acting like an old lady] [yelling] Ah, you shouldn’t have smiled.

Female voice: But we’re not talking to that person. We’re talking to Kelly. About Chantix.

[Cut to Kelly sitting on a sofa in her living room]

Kelly: When I had kids, I knew I had to give up smoking. But when I tried quitting without Chantix, I was like, [acting] “The burden bears so heavily upon–”

Female voice: But right now, Kelly should really be focusing on her success with Chantix because she’s a real person, not an actress.

[Cut to Kelly crying]

Kelly: [sobbing] When I was a little girl I told myself, “You are gonna– You are gonna be somebody.”

Female voice: [interrupting] No one’s buying it, Kelly.

Kelly: Dammit. [Kelly turns off her background music on music player and walks away.]

Female voice: Side affects of Chantix may include nausea, fatigue–

[Kelly runs back and turns off the music again]

Kelly: It’s a boombox. It’s a boombox. Fine.

Female voice: –dry mouth, and kidding yourself about your level of talent.

[Cut to Kelly smoking outside her house.]

Kelly: Here’s the thing, I will do nudity. Full. The top and the under. The whole night.

Female voice: Chantix. Real stories, real people. Not actors.

Kelly: I’m talking full bush.

Totino’s Activity Pack Super Bowl Commercial

Venessa Bayer

J.K. Simmons

[Starts with four guys enjoying a football game drinking beer.]

Guys: Go, go, yeah!

[Venessa walks in]

Venessa: Who’s ready for some more to Totino’s pizza rolls?

J.K. Simmons: Thanks honey.

Venessa: Anything for my hungry guys.

J.K. Simmons: Now get out of here you, the game’s on.

Venessa: Okay, sweetheart. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.

Guys: Ah!

[Cut to Venessa in the kitchen]

Venessa narrating: When it comes to the big game, I love feeding my hungry guys. But, now what? I normally just sit in the kitchen waiting for them to ask for more delicious Totino’s  pizza rolls. But that can be so boring. Well, not anymore. [showing a board game] Introducing Totino’s new Super Bowl Activity Pack for women. It’s full of fun little puzzles and games to keep my mind active and learning while I wait back here.

[Cut to guys cheering] [Cut to Venessa in the kitchen]

My hungry guys aren’t the only ones having fun today. With my Super Bowl Activity Pack for women, [spinning a top] I can spin a little top, [doing the kid’s ‘connect the dots’ art game] connect the dots.

Venessa: Oh! Look at the little bee.

Venessa narrating: Do a word search.

Venessa: Hat, I found hat.

Venessa narrating: [Counting board game money] Count my own money. And plenty of other activities I can drop in a moment’s notice.

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: Honey, we’re out pizza rolls.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Coming right up.

[Venessa brings the guys some pizza rolls]

Beck: Oh, my favorite.

Jay: Ooh!

Bobby: Totino’s!

Venessa: Look honey, it’s a little bee.

J.K. Simmons: Yeah! We’re also out of beers, when you got a sec.

Venessa: Anything for my hungry guys.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Hey, does your wife wanna watch the game with us?

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: No, she’s good. She’s got a little activity pack.

[Behind J.K. Simmons, Venessa is playing games like children.]

Venessa narrating: Plus, if I get hungry from all the puzzles and games, my activity pack comes with one little Totino… just for me.

[Cut to the guys cheering] [Venessa comes in]

Venessa: Is the game almost over?

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: No, it’s till the first quarter.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Well, I already did that whole activity pack you gave me.

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: Well, open another one then.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay. Anything for my hungry–

J.K. Simmons: [interrupting Venessa] Go!

[Venessa just leaves]

Female voice: The Totino’s Superbowl Activity Pack. for grown women ages 5 & up.