Tag: Coney

Weekend Update Justice Amy Coney Barrett on Overturning Roe v Wade

Colin Jost

Amy Coney Barrett… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Supreme Court seemed poised to fully overturn Roe v. Wade. Here to comment is conservative justice Amy Coney Barrett.

[Amy Coney Barrett slides in]

Amy Coney Barrett: Hi.

Colin Jost: Hi, how are you?

Amy Coney Barrett: Good.

Colin Jost: Thank you for being here.

Amy Coney Barrett: I am jazzed and juiced.

Colin Jost: Right. I’m guessing you’re pretty happy with the draft of the ruling?

Amy Coney Barrett: Well, I don’t know what would make you think that other than everything I’ve ever said. But I listened to the case with an open mind and I asked all my question.

Colin Jost: Right there was one. Yeah, Justice Alito nodded to that in his opinion. You were asking about safe haven laws where you can legally leave a baby at a fire station no questions asked.

Amy Coney Barrett: That’s right, Colin. I just don’t understand why you need abortion because you can leave a baby anywhere in the United States. So like, what’s the big deal? Just pop it. Just do the nine and plop.

Colin Jost: Just do the what?

Amy Coney Barrett: Just do your nine. You know, do your nine, leave it on the sidewalk. Wrap it up in a little Moses, put in a little basket. Send it down the creek. Just do your nine, you know? It’s simple. You are a murderer, if you have an abortion. But you’re not a murderer, if you put a baby in a bag in a mailbox and that tracks and is good to me.

Colin Jost: Okay, well, not everyone agrees with that.

Amy Coney Barrett: Well, just give it to a stork and the stork will give it to a lesbian. I would think that lesbians would be happy because now there’s more babies for them to adopt till we ban that too. Come on, ladies. It’s just nine. It’s not even 10. So just do your nine and dump.

Colin Jost: I don’t think it’s that simple.

Amy Coney Barrett: Well, I have seven children and a job and I make it work. So why every single other woman can’t do the same is beyond me. Unless I’m like missing something about class in America. Don’t answer that.

Colin Jost: Okay, you were also suggesting that we don’t need abortion because there’s no longer the same stigma against unwed mother.

Amy Coney Barrett: Exactly, exactly. It’s like you see a girl, you know she’s pregnant. You’re not going to stone her anymore. You’re just gonna be like, “Huh, okay.” Like if you get pregnant and you’re not married, you don’t have to go to a spooky convent anymore. You just give a baby to a panther, jungle book it, and that’s your nine.

Colin Jost: Stop just saying that’s your nine.

Amy Coney Barrett: Like, what is more traumatic? Safely ending an early pregnancy or giving full birth to a baby you can never see it again because you put it on a Ferris wheel? Colin, all I’m saying, these lesbians are going to have like a crapload of babies coming their way, they should be kissing my boobs.

Colin Jost: I don’t think they want to do that. Also, I think a lot of Americans feel that you’re kind of forcing conservative views on the country.

Amy Coney Barrett: Oh, well, look, the court is not partisan. Our spouses on the other hand are f-ing crazy. [phone vibrating] Excuse me.Speak of, Clarence Thomas’s wife Ginni always texts me. She’s like in love with me. I’m like, “Okay, lez, you want a baby?”

Colin Jost: Alright. Justice Barrett, is there anything else you would like to say?

Amy Coney Barrett: Arby’s, we have the babies.

Colin Jost: Justice Barret, everyone.

Amy Coney Barrett: Do your nine!

Weekend Update- Amy Coney Barrett Confirmed & Halloween Robot

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Twitter logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Twitter is launching a program to ‘pre-bunk’ misinformation posted on the site. But I don’t know. They taught us in health class that even ‘pre-bunk’ can get you pregnant.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says ‘Confirmed by senate along party lines’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wow. The senate voted to confirm Justice Amy Coney Barrett along party lines. Party lines is also what Don Jr. does to prepare for interviews.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Panera Bread logo and a pizza at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Panera announced that it’s adding pizza to it’s menu, which is a kind of fun story your aunt would have posted on Facebook before their algorithms made her a white supremacist.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Police Department logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A New York city police officer was suspended after he used his loud to yell “Trump 2020”. According to NYPD guidelines, Cops can only whisper “Trump 2020” as they choke someone out. I thought that was a fun one.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bud Light seltzers at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: But Light has introduced new flavors of it’s hard seltzers for the holiday season including apple crisp, peppermint paddy and ginger snap. Though it’s hard to taste the flavor when you’re so drunk, you reach for a Bud Light peppermint paddy. And hey guys, fun tip, you can also make your own Bud Light peppermint paddy at home by combining Scope and Vodka.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron Jeremy at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Prosecutors have seven additional counts of sexual assault against porn star Ron Jeremy, who now faces a possible 300 years in prison. But, if anyone can last that long, it’s Ron Jeremy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “man builds robot to hand out candy”.]

Colin Jost: And guys, a man in Texas built a robot to hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. He calls it “The sex offender loophole 3000”. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.