Shud the Mermaid

Harrison Beckett… Mikey Day

Titacles… Beck Bennett

Oceana… Cecily Strong

Aquaticana… Sasheer Zamata

Shud… Kate McKinnon

Conk… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a book ‘True Tales From The Sea’ opening]

Male voice: True Tales From The Sea. From U.S. fighter pilot Harrison Beckett, 1944.

Harrison Beckett narrating: My plane was shot down over the pacific. I fell into the sea, and surrendered to death. Yet, I awoke on the shore of a small deserted island, all alone, or so I thought.

[Cut to Harrison Beckett in the deserted island]

Harrison Beckett: Hello? Is anyone there?

[Titacles appears behind the stones. He has long white hair and beard and a tail of a fish.]

Titacles: No one of your kind. I am Titacles and I rule over this cove. I saved you from a watery grave and therefore I command you to marry one of my daughters. The playful Oceana.

[Oceana appears behind the stones. She is beautiful.]

Oceana: Hello, young sailor. So brave. So handsome. [laughing]

Titacles: The adventurous Aquaticana.

[Aquaticana appears behind the stones. She is also beautiful.]

Aquaticana: Oh, I have never seen a human man. They’re splendid.

Titacles: And the other one, Shud.

[Shut crawls up. she is ugly.]

Shut: Hey, man. What’s crapping?

Titacles: The choice is yours.

[Titacles swims away]

Shut: Why are you staring at me? Do I remind you of anyone?

Harrison Beckett: Um, yes. Popeye, if he melted.

Shut: Hmm. I know I look different from my sisters. While they are half maiden, half marlin, I am 15% maiden and 85% blob fish, which means, I’m mostly gelatin.

Harrison Beckett: Okay. Okay. I mean, how could I choose? Two-thirds of you are so beautiful.

Oceana: If you choose me, we’ll spend out days frolicking in the grotto. What fun!

Aquaticana: Choose me, and together we’ll explore the wonders of the sea.

Shut: Hey! Hey! Choose me and you’ll be spending a lot of time with this chick.

[Conk crawls up.]

Conk: What’s up?

Shut: This is my BFF Conk, fellow dweller of the deep.

Conk: I’m 8% woman and 92% angler fish. Yep, I’m from way down deep where all the freaks hang out, hence the reading light growing out of my head.

Shut: Conk knows how to party now. If you want company in the bedroom, Conk is very much down to clown.

Conk: Oh, yeah. Three way, two way me watching, two way her watching three of us going solo, all watching. Any combo, I’ve done, and do again.

Shut: Here is a little preview.

[Shut is licking the light on Conk’s head]

Harrison Beckett: Oh, god!

Shut: Hell, yeah.

Conk: Oh, yeah, that’s hot.

Shut: When it’s hot enough, say when.

Harrison Beckett: When? When? When? When? Please don’t do that ever again. Anyway, [turning towards Oceana and Aquaticana] I never imagined I would one day marry a mermaid.

Oceana: Oh, life with a mermaid is quite enchanting. We sing the most beautiful melodies.

[Oceana and Aquaticana singing melodies]

Shut: [singing badly] The Simpsons
[humming ‘The Simpsons’ theme song.]

Oceana: If you were to choose me, I will never tire of hearing tales of life on land.

Aquaticana: If I am your choice, my love for you will grow with each sun rise.

Shut: Yeah, true talk, I’m really just in thsi for the babies. I’ve got about 5 million eggs that need fertilization, yesterday.

Harrison Beckett: Okay.

Shut: Quick blob fish mating FYI, oh, my female gonads are where my mouth is which is also my butt, but we’ll make it work.

Harrison Beckett: No, please don’t.

Conk: A little angler fish info, during mating the male attaches to the female and then dies. You down for that?

Harrison Beckett: I am not.

Shut: Well, just know this. I am an old fashioned kind of girl. When my my man comes home, I like to have dinner rady for him. In fact, you look a little hungry right now. Do you like sea bass?

Harrison Beckett: No, thank you.

[Shut eats the sea bass herself and spits some on Harrison Beckett]

Argh! it got in my mouth.

Shut: Eat up before it gets warm.

Harrison Beckett: No, thank you. I don’t want it.

[airplane sound]

Oh, that sound. Oh, it’s a rescue plane. I’m saved! I’m sorry ladies, but I have a life back on land.

Oceana and Aquaticana: Aww!

[Oceana and Aquaticana swim away]

Shut: Listen, man. Could I just get one kiss for the road?

Harrison Beckett: Yes, Shud. But on the cheek because your mouth is also your butt.

[Harrison Beckett stand to kiss Shut]

Shut: [grabbing Harrison Beckett by his waist] Oh, grab him, Conk.

Conk: Alright, Shud.

[Shut and Conk pull Harrison Beckett down into the water]

Shut: Sorry, girls. Gotta be aggressive nowadays. Okay.

Shut and Conk: [singing] The Simpsons