Weekend Update- Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with on the Coronavirus

Michael Che

The girl… Cecily Strong

[Starts with The girl in his set]

The girl: Well, there is a lot going on right now and here with her thoughts on all of it is the girl you wish you hadn’t start a conversation with at a party.

[Michael Che slides in. She is wearing a party dress and has a glass of wine in her hand.]

Michael Che: It is very good to be back.

The girl: Hello, it’s nice to see you.

Michael Che: Yeah.

The girl: So, what do you think of the government’s response to this outbreak?

Michael Che: Honestly, this whole pidova-virus (coronavirus) is inexcusimal (inexcusable), okay? It’s miss-respectful. And it’s been blowing so out of abortion (out of proportion). Like, Michael, I’m sorry. You don’t think there’s any misatomy (misogyny) in calling it the woman virus and not the man virus?

The girl: I think it’s the ‘Wuhan.’

Michael Che: Wow! And you’re just gonna do the voice.

The girl: No. Wuhan is the name of the province.

Michael Che: Okay. Let’s do a quick science experience (experiment). Open your mouth really wide.

The girl: What? No.

Michael Che: I’m gonna put my whole hand in.

[Michael Che just puts her hand in The girl’s mouth]

The girl: Whoa! Whoa! Hey! No, you’re not. Keep your hands to yourself.

Michael Che: Wow. I’m sorry. Suddenly I’m Harvey Einstein (Harvey Weinstein)? Michael, you need to wake up, open your eyes and years and your mouth and let me put my hand.

The girl: No!

Michael Che: Colin would let me.

[Colin is looking at them wearing sunglasses]

Colin Jost: Yeah, but it’s coz I’m a freak.

The girl: Alright, let’s change the subject. What do you think about the democratic candidates?

Michael Che: This whole thing is ribbed (rigged) for no one’s pleasure. And I’m sorry I’m not just following all the leopards and jumping off the cliff, okay? It’s like, everyone wants socialism now but how did that work out for vuvuzela? Loud! I mean like, there are new born babies who can’t even read or write Michael. Meanwhile, the Brazilian rainforest is burning. It’s like, yeah, you keep waxing, it’s gonna burn.

The girl: Okay, so what do you think the solution is?

Michael Che: It’s a bubble standard, Michael. Like, why would you even have a two party system? Like, why can’t we just have one party and not have to miss the other one and give like, everyone major FOMO?

The girl: You mean FOMO?

Michael Che: [mocking voice] You mean FOMO? [looking away] Cinda! Cinda! Cinda! That’s my friend Cinda. We’re supposed to like, charge the stage of the Biden rally there [starts texting] tonight to tackle his wife for Dary. [phone notification sound]

The girl: What?

Michael Che: Oh, I just matched with Julian Assange on Raya. Anyway, the point is people are sick of the hip-hopracy (hypocrisy), Michael. Maybe, stop watching cable news twentyeight/7 and actually do something.

The girl: Like what?

Michael Che: Look. I have been spending a lot of time with Joaquin Phoenix recently, okay? I wrote his speeches for the Oscars, Golden Globes and the Nambla’s. So maybe, stop letting cows fly private planes to Palm Springs. I’m sorry. Don Jr. can like, run the Trump company but Hunter Biden can’t even work as a Barista? That’s necrophilism, Michael.

The girl: Alright, just tell us one practical thing you want people to do.

Michael Che: I am trying, but you have to let me put my hand in your mouth.

The girl: Stop touching me.

Michael Che: Wow! Everyone’s like, so sensitive. It’s like, what? Just coz I have a high fever and I’m coughing all the time and I have dia-rica (diarrhea), like, that means I shouldn’t go to parties?

The girl: [loudly] Yes! You should not even be here.

Michael Che: Fine! What if I wear a mask?

The girl: Well, okay. That would be a start.

[Michael Che puts on a ghost face mask.]

Michael Che: Okay.

The girl: Oh my god! Girl at a party, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with on the 2016 Election

Michael Che

The Girl… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With the election only two weeks away, both candidates are trying to get a final message out there to their supporters. Here with her final thoughts in this election is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with a party.

[The Girl slides in with a glass of wine in her hand]

The Girl: Wow! Hello, Michael Che. Thanks for finally letting a woman on late night TV.

Michael Che: So, I assume you’re not happy with the election.

The Girl: Here’s a thought, Michael. Maybe try being woke for a change, okay? Coz, um, Kevin can wait but Syrian referees can’t, okay? A news flash, Michael! 40% of children are just their legs. And that’s according to doctors, Michael Che!

Michael Che: Yeah, okay, can you just please tell us about the candidates?

The Girl: Please, do not man-terrupt me when I’m wo-making a point, Michael! This election is a misgrace, okay? This is a colastamy, Micahel Che. And I’m sorry, if I can play double’s abacus for just a second, [Cut to The Girl] and if we all know the real reason Julian Assange is in jail, and that’s coz she’s a woman. Do you even know what women have to do when we go vote, Michael? We have to show our IUD. I’m sorry, that’s outrageous. That’s called the bubble standard! [Cut to Michael Che and The Girl] You know what I have to say to that?

Michael Che: What?

The Girl: Baaa! Baaa! Baaa!

Michael Che: What are you doing?

The Girl: That’s the impression of you.

Michael Che: Okay.

The Girl: Coz you’re a sheep-ball.

Michael Che: Jesus!

The Girl: Quick, who are you going for as Halloween?

Michael Che: I don’t really dress–

The Girl: [interrupting] I’m going as justice. David Justice.

Michael Che: The baseball player?

The Girl: Wow! So all black guys are just athletes to you?

Michael Che: No, he played baseball.

The Girl: No Michael, you just played yourself.

Michael Che: Oh, my god!

The Girl: [looking away] Sis!

Michael Che: What? Is your sister here?

The Girl: No. I’m calling out sis gendered people out there. [The Girl is using her phone] I’m serious Michael, I need to go to Cuba so bad before white people ruin it.

Michael Che: Alright, you haven’t said anything about the election. Can you just at least tell me who you’re voting for?

The Girl: How dare you? That’s called voter-insemination, what you’re doing. I’m sorry. My friend’s vlogs were right about you.

Michael Che: Alright.

The Girl: You know what? Fine! You know what? Maybe I should just tell a joke instead, right? Since that’s what this whole election is anyway.

Michael Che: Fine! Tell us a joke.

The Girl: Knock, knock.

Michael Che: Who’s there?

The Girl: Interrupting polar bear.

Michael Che: Interrupting po–

The Girl: [interrupting] It’s too late! Global warning already killed him. Now he stinked!

Michael Che: He stinked?

The Girl: Yeah, that’s right. He stinked. So why don’t you just call me Samsung Galaxy? Coz I just blew your mind up!

Michael Che: [laughing] Girl at a party, everyone!

The Girl: Free El Chipo!

Michael Che: It’s El Chapo! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.