Kelly… Matt Damon
Carl… Kenan Thompson
Connor… Beck Bennett
Captain… Alec Baldwin
Paul… Kyle Mooney
Maureen… Cecily Strong
Rhonda (Bartender)… Heidi Gardner
[Starts with a shot of a bar]
Kelly: All right, another round for everybody. [Everybody sitting in the bar drinking bar] I’m buying this time.
Rhonda: You got it.
Carl: Oh, Kelly’s buying.
Connor: That’s what I call a Christmas miracle.
[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]
Kelly: Just for that, make his smaller than everybody else’s.
Paul: His wife told me somebody did.
Everybody: Oh!
[Cut to Captain and Carl]
Captain: Good one, Paul.
Connor: At least I still have a wife [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] to go home to, Paul.
Kelly: I bet Paul [Cut to everyone] would settle for a home at this point. [Everybody laughing]
[Cut to Captain and Carl]
Captain: You aren’t get any action sleeping at your sister’s house.
Carl: But I am!
Everybody: Oh!
[Cut to Paul and Kelly]
Paul: You guys are breaking my balls. Come on now!
Kelly: Reminds me, Paul, I got you a little Christmas present here. It’s a gift certificate to that new massage parlor downtown. Y
[Cut to Captain and Carl][Everybody laughing]
Captain: Yeah. For your lonely nights.
[Cut to Paul and Kelly]
Kelly: No, but really, it’s pretty nice place. [Emotional music playing in the background] It’s a full spa. They do really good massages, facials, hot stones. I know we break balls a lot. But you’re a good guy.
Paul: You know what? I can actually use this, thanks.
Kelly: I hope you do.
Paul: Thanks, man.
Kelly: Hey, Paul, Merry Christmas.
Paul: Merry Christmas.
[Cut to Carl, Paul and Kelly]
Carl: Hey, Paul, I got you a little something too.
Paul: Really, Carl?
Carl: [Carl takes out a box and gives it to Paul] Yeah, sure.
[Cut to Carl and Paul]
Paul: Headphones, hey, for what?
Carl: For when me and your sister get a little too loud at night! [Cut to everybody laughing] No, but seriously, [Cut to Carl and Paul] I know that can’t be easy for you, man. I mean I’m having sex with your little sister. You’re right there on the couch.
[Cut to Captain]
Captain: Those walls are paper thin. You must hear everything.
[Cut to Carl and Paul]
Paul: I just mind my business. It’s cool.
Carl: No, it’s not cool! It’s not cool at all! And I know we break balls a lot. Right? [Cut to everybody agreeing] Yeah, we break a lot of balls. We’ve been friends since the academy. [Cut to Carl and Paul] I would hate to put a strain on that.
Paul: Say here, they’re noise-canceling beats by Dre. You must have paid a lot of dough for these.
Carl: Some of the boys gypped in.
[Cut to Captain]
Captain: Yeah, some of us felt pretty rotten about nailing her too.
[Cut to Everybody]
Paul: Thanks. That means a lot, Captain. I’m just happy she’s with you guys, and not some jerks.
[Cut to Captain]
Captain: Hey, Merry Christmas.
[Cut to Everybody]
Carl: Merry Christmas.
Paul: Merry Christmas. Hey, is this a party or what?
[Maureen walks behind them]
Kelly: Where are you going? [Cut to Carl, Maureen, Paul and Kelly] Do a round with us, Maureen, come on.
Paul: It’s not like you have plans on a Friday night!
Maureen: Its’ a nice night, Paul. I figured I’d go let your mother out for a walk. [Everybody laughing]
Paul: You know what, Maureen, [Cut to Everybody] I think my mother would really like that. [Cut to Maureen and Paul] This fresh air could really do her good.
Maureen: Yeah, I think so too. Merry Christmas, Paul.
Paul: Merry Christmas.
[Cut to Everybody]
Kelly: All right, let’s get those shots! [Rhonda brings the shots]
Connor: How do you like that, we’re getting shots from the worst shot on the force!
Paul: Hey, you’re the worst shot I have ever seen, Connor!
[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]
Connor: Yeah, right!
Paul: Yeah, remember when you accidentally shot my wife?
Connor: Who, Beverly?
Paul: Yes! I only had one wife and you shot her. What a goof!
[Cut to Captain]
Captain: Who’s the boss tonight. [Captain takes the shot]
[Cut to Everybody]
Connor: Hey, look, Paul, I’m actually glad you brought that up [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] because—I haven’t been sleeping good since that all went down.
Paul: Hey, man, forget it. You know, it’s been months already.
Connor: No, no, let me say this, Paul. I shot your wife at your wedding. And I guess I had a few too many, and I messed up. Big time.
[Cut to Captain]
Captain: Any one of us could have shot his wife at their wedding.
Connor: Yeah, sure, [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] but I did. If I’m being honest, part of me still feels like it’s the reason she left you that night. I’m sorry, okay. I’m truly sorry, man. [Connor stands and leaves]
Paul: Wait, Connor. [Connor pauses] Merry Christmas.
Connor: Merry Christmas, man.
Kelly: Merry Christmas, Connor.
Carl: Merry Christmas.
Paul: Hey, Rhonda, put everything on my tab.
[Cut to Rhonda]
Rhonda: They’ve already been using your card. It’s 2 grand!
[Everybody laughing]
[Cut to Everybody]
Paul: You guys breaking balls! [Everybody laughing]