Bartender… Kenan Thompson
Corey Dipships… Dave Chappelle
Sheila Savage… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with Bartender calling for the last call at the bar booth]
Bartender: Alright drunky McDrunks. Last call. Hook up now or go home and hump your body pillows.
Corey Dipships: Hang on, bartender. Give me one more of those scotch and pepto. I got a case of the squirts but I still want to drink.
Sheila Savage: Make mine a gin and sonic please. That’s gin with a little hamburger in it. What have i got to lose besides another foot? Ha-ha-ha.
Bartender: Oh, brother.
Corey Dipships: [looking at Sheila Savage] Well, well, well. Is this thanksgiving yet? Looks like there’s one little butterball rolling around in the freezer.
Sheila Savage: Why don’t you set me on the counter and let me come to room temp before you stuff my butt full of cornbread, huh?
[Bartender looks pissed off and shows a yellow card]
Bartender: Yellow card.
Sheila Savage: You mind if I plot my slop a little closer?
Corey Dipships: Sure, let me just love my briefcase. By briefcase, I mean zip-loc bag filled with emergency underwear. Bartender, do you have a coat check?
Bartender: Yes, sir. [receiving the zip-loc bag using a tong] I’ll take care of it.
Sheila Savage: You know, I was looking at you because you have that certain still here quality.
Corey Dipships: And I noticed you because the whole back of your shirt is burnt out.
Sheila Savage: Well jokes on you, coz it’s the front. A rival tried to set me on fire and she did it. Hi, I’m Sheila Savage.
Corey Dipships: I feel like I’ve seen you before.
Sheila Savage: Uh-huh. You might recognize me from ABC’s “What would you do?” I was the one that didn’t help the tourist getting mugged. Matter of fact, I joined in. So, what ‘s on your driver’s license?
Corey Dipships: Besides legally blind and organ needer? Well, it’s got the name Corey Dipships, which is weird because I ship dips to Korea.
Sheila Savage: Get out!
Corey Dipships: Yeah.
Sheila Savage: That’s crazy. I’ve been banned from Chinatown.
Corey Dipships: Oh? Something’s happening here.
Bartender: Yeah. It’s called the first sign of the apocalypse.
[a frog falls down in front of Bartender]
Corey Dipships: You know, when I first saw you, I was like, “F- no!” But now, I’m like, “F-I guess.”
Sheila Savage: You had me at when I remembered there are detectives waiting for me at my apartment. You feeling what I’m feeling?
Corey Dipships: If it’s resignation, then yes.
Sheila Savage: Hey, what’s your sign?
Corey Dipships: Oh, I’m on the cusp. You see, my head poked out on Tuesday, but I keep my feet in till Friday. What’s your sign?
Sheila Savage: Vagitarius.
[Bartender is blowing blow-horns on his both ears.]
Bartender: Good. Now, I can’t hear things.
Sheila Savage: Alright, alright. I can take a hint. Hey, why don’t we go back to your place and 67?
Corey Dipships: 67?
Sheila Savage: that’s me trying to get at your junk while you’re like this. [posing with her arms spread in front.]
Corey Dipships: I would rather go back to my place and do a little 66.
Sheila Savage: Oh yeah? What’s that?
Corey Dipships: That’s you facing away from me and I just work on myself.
Bartender: Look, just seat the deal so I can power wash your stools.
Sheila Savage: Slugger, looks like you just hit a grounder and you’re headed to first base.
Corey Dipships: Well, that’s good because I have a rod and it’s as unpopular as the ball player.
Sheila Savage: Alright. Let me just get my axe body spray on .
[Corey Dipships and dSheila Savage are spraying on themselves]
[Corey Dipships and Sheila Savage start kissing]
[Bartender is washing his eyes]
Wow, it as de-rotic.
Corey Dipships: Yeah, you gave me a hard-off.
Sheila Savage: Hang on. Hang on. I think these dark times, we need a little grace and a little beauty. Let’s bellagio this sucker. Huh?
Corey Dipships: Let’s do it.
Sheila Savage: Bartender, a little WC please.
[Bartender plays music on the jukebox.]
[Corey Dipships and Sheila Savage are spraying water on teach other and kissing.]
[Bartender is now sobbing looking at them]
Bartender: Dammit, Anthony! You let her get to you. Well, time to be a good guy with a gun.
[Bartender pulls a gun out shoots at Corey Dipships and Sheila Savage]
Sheila Savage: Hey, we’re making out over here!