The Fainting Couch

Amelia… Cecily Strong

Kenneth… Benedict Cumberbatch

Christian… Alex Moffat

Henry… Mikey Day

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to Lansdowne house.

[England, 1914] [Alex walks in a room where Ben and Cecily are there.]

Christian: Amelia, Kenneth.

Amelia: Christian, what a marvelous surprise. My brother in the flesh. Well, why of all you’re here?

Kenneth: Shouldn’t you be away in Cornwall?

Christian: I’ve left Cornwall. I have something I must tell you.

Amelia: Let us hear it over tea. Henry, fetch the tea, please.

Henry: Yes, ma’am.

Christian: You see, the Great War has come to England and all of us must fight.

Amelia: No.

Christian: I felt duty bound to do my bit.

Amelia: No. Christian, no. [loses her balance]

Kenneth: Your sister has health spells. Amelia, to the fainting couch.

Christian: So I’ve made a decision. I’m off to war.

Amelia: No.

Henry: Tea, ma’am.

[Amelia spills tea all over the floor]

Kenneth: Look what you’ve done.

Christian: Oh, heaven.

Kenneth: She has missed the couch. Henry, fetch the elixirs.

Henry: Yes, sir.

Amelia: Oh, I’m terribly sorry. It seems I’ve had a tiny spell.

Kenneth: More than a tiny one, my dear. You have a foot?

Amelia: Oh, I’m perfectly fine. Oh, Christian, it’s you. I just had the most frightful dream that you could go in a war.

Christian: That was no dream, Amelia. It’s true. I’m joining the 11th Azores. I’ll be on the front lines.

Amelia: The front lines? Oh, no. What’s happening?

Kenneth: Oh, Amelia. Please. To the couch, my love. Come this way.

Christian: I’m sorry, but she must hear the truth, that I shall leave Cornwall to see glory on the battlefields.

Henry: The elixirs, ma’am.

[Amelia falls and spills all the elixirs]

Kenneth: She’s missed the couch again.

Christian: Again? How?

Kenneth: Well, we need to study her nerves. Henry, don’t just stand there. Bring the sherry. As many courses as you can cut it.

Henry: Of course sir. And don’t worry sir, I’m fine.

Amelia: Oh, heavens. I’ve had a spell.

Kenneth: Don’t concern yourself my dear. Your bluffing brother, it’s his fault for telling us like this.

Amelia: Oh, Christian, there you are. You can still change your mind. Go back to Cornwall. Forget all this war madness.

Christian: No Amelia. The die is cast. You see, I’ve already enlisted.

Amelia: What? Oh! [she’s losing balance again]

Kenneth: This way, my dear. Oh, trash, she went the other way.

[Amelia pulls out the curtain and throws the light stand. Then she bashes everything on the cupboard.]

Christian: She is putting on quite a show, isn’t she?

[Amelia breaks the flower vase]

Kenneth: How dare you? She could die.

[Amelia is walking around the room funnily breaking things]

Christian: Why are you just watching?

Kenneth: It must run its cost. Steady now. Steady now. Steady.

Christian: Oh, come now. She just stepped and rolled right over the couch.

Henry: Your sherry, ma’am.

Amelia: Oh, thank you, Henry. I think I’ll pass. [spilling all the wine he’s brought] Yes, I’m fine.

Kenneth: Splendid. Let’s reinvigorate your constitution. Henry, bring us some soup. Piping hot.

Henry: Piping hot soup. Yes, sir.

Kenneth: Now my dear, are you all right?

Amelia: Yes, I’m perfectly fine. I seem to have a tiny cut on my hand.

Kenneth: Is that blood? Oh! [now Kenneth is losing balance feeling dizzy]

Henry: Soup is ready sir. [Kenneth runs around funnily around Henry] Oh, no. No, please, sir.

Kenneth: Yes. [Kenneth hits the soup bowl and spills it all over Henry and falls down] [he stands again] I’m terribly sorry. Look, the fits run in both our families, you see? Ever since we had a tiny bout of inbreeding for the past 500 years.

Christian: Ah, so these spells could happen to me? I could have them? Well, perhaps I should not go to war then.

Amelia: Oh, yes, marvelous.

Kenneth: This calls for a celebration. Henry, bring out the champagne that are priceless Faberge eggs.

Henry: Yes, sir.

[Amelia, Kenneth and Christian start dancing around]


Louis C.K.

[Starts with a picture of horses running]

Man: So long as men can breathe for I can see,
so long lives this and this gives life to thee

[Cut to Man standing in front of a huge leather couch]

Sectional couches. [music playing] When I was a little boy, my grandmother bought mea new couch. And I looked at it and I said, where is the rest of it? And that is the first of many stories you’re going to hear. This is going to be long. What if I told you that where most people’s couches end, your can bend and keep going?

[Cut to video clips of different L shaped couches]

Wow! Kingly. Nothing like it. Legend has it that in ancient Rome, the emperor asked for a very long couch. One that would stretch to infinity. [Cut to Man] When they built the couch, he gazed at it powerfully and said, “Well, that’s not going to fit.” So, they put a bend in it, and they built it in sections.

[Cut to a woman singing sitting on a couch] [Cut to Man]

Hi. [Cut to a couch set] This one’s called ‘Bad Lands’. God only knows what it’s stuck with. Each like bouff unfolding and unfolding for eternity.

[Cut to another couch set] This one’s called ‘The Gathering’. It looks like elephants gathered for an important reason. It has phone chargers and electricity runs through it.

[Cut to another couch set] Rest your tired head on this bosom of this robust goddess, ‘Drink of milk!’ If you don’t have this one, let me ask you a question. [Cut to Man] What are you doing? These are all made on earth. But all these couches are nothing compared to what I’m going to talk about right now. Listen to me speak. There was a woman named Barb somewhere in Racine, Wisconsin. She went to a couch store and she said–

[Cut to Barb sitting on a couch]

Barb: Bigger!

[Cut to Man]

Man: So, they showed her a bigger one and she said–

[Cut to Barb sitting on a bigger couch.]

Barb: No! Bigger!

[Cut to Man]

Man: And they showed Barb a couch bigger than any other thing on Earth! And she said–

[Cut to Barb sitting on a couch]

Barb: Yes! Yes! I’ll take it!

[Cut to Man sitting on the same couch]

Man: This piece is called ‘The Nexus.’ It is the eye of the storm. The rest of the Sectional is born from this point, and that is how they’re made. Period!

I used to have a family. I would sit on a couch here, then they on a couch there. And I longed to connect with them. So, I bought a Sectional. Then I bought another and another. Then a warehouse to store them, and a storefront to show people what they are. Some would come in and ask, “How much are they?” And I would reply, “Get out of my property. These are not for sale.” I got this air time to say, “Please, leave me alone with my Sectionals.” This is not a commercial. Goodnight!

Male voice: Sectional Sofa Emporium, eighttwofivenine, Soda Street. Not open to the public. Not a business.