Tag: COVID-19

Weekend Update- Michael Che’s Neighbor Willie on the COVID-19 Vaccine

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The vaccine has been rolled out with about a thousand Americans taking it this week, but I don’t know guys. I’m still feeling skeptical. So, to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor Willie.

[Willie slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Willie: Hey, Michael. Oh, man. It’s a Christmas miracle. The vaccine is finally here.

Michael Che: I don’t know if I trust this vaccine, Willie.

Willie: Oh, I was skeptical too, Michael. I’ve been searching for that vaccine since March. And I was starting to give up hope.

Michael Che: What do you mean you were searching for the vaccine?

Willie: Well, you know. I’d go down to the city park, pick up some needles up the ground, try them out.

Michael Che: Willie, that is very dangerous.

Willie: Well, Michael, if you want to hit the lotto, you got to crack some eggs.

Michael Che: What?

Willie: Finally, I just got lucky and CEO of Pfizer personally knocked on my window to give me the vaccine.

Michael Che: Are you sure that was the CEO of Pfizer?

Willie: Of course, Michael. Unless that was just some African dude making it up.

Michael Che: Yeah.

Willie: No. It was him.

Michael Che: Willie, aren’t you worried about the side effects?

Willie: Oh, Michael, we all have birth defects.

Michael Che: I said side effects.

Willie: But that’s not the vaccine’s for. At most, it makes you a little sleepy. But you wake up in a tub of ice good as new.

Michael Che: In a tub of ice?

Willie: Well, it’s like they say, Michael. “They replaced your organs with newspaper again, Willie!”

Michael Che: Oh, man.

Willie: I guess I’m just a little more trusting than doctors since my grand daddy worked in medicine.

Michael Che: Really?

Willie: Yeah. He was famous too. He was the first person chosen to take a miracle vaccine that would make his town safe again. And it worked too.

Michael Che: What vaccine was that?

Willie: It was called “The lethal injection”.

Michael Che: Willie, I’m still worried about taking that shot.

Willie: Oh, Michael! You sound just like my old dog Lucias. He didn’t want to take his shot either. He’d run and hide until we found a little trick. We put some peanut butter on the barrel of the rifle and he ran right to it.

Michael Che: Rifle?

Willie: Yes. It’s like they always say, “You can’t make a fur coat out of just one dog, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, this isn’t making anybody feel better.

Willie: Oh, Michael! Michael! This has been a tough year for everybody. But we can still get through this. You know, I was pretty sick myself this year.

Michael Che: Oh, I didn’t know that, Willie.

Willie: Yeah. I followed all the rules. I wore mask. Kept 500 feet away from schools. But I still got affected. I had all the symptoms. Heavy cough, no sense of smell or taste, tiny bumps on my peepee, could barely breathe. But did I let that stop me from beat boxing at the nursing home?

Michael Che: I really hope it did.

Willie: No, sir. It’s like they always say in show biz, Michael. “You wiped off St. Mary’s village, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, everybody!

Weekend Update- Dr. Wenowdis on the COVID-19 Vaccine

Colin Jost

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, the FDA advisory panel voted to recommend emergency authorization of the Pfizer vaccine. Here to comment is Weekend Update’s resident medical expert Wayne

[Dr. Wayne Wenowdis slides in]

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Ae-yo! Hello.

Colin Jost: Hello, Dr. Wenowis. Great. Now, you are obviously a very distinguished member of your field.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Yes. We know this.

Colin Jost: Yes. We’re so glad you’re here because people are really excited about the vaccine but they also have a lot of questions about it.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Um-hmm. We know this.

Colin Jost: Right. This is a first vaccine from Pfizer.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Yes. We know this.

Colin Jost: And it’s 95% effective?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Um. We love this.

Colin Jost: Okay, great. There’s no major side effects?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Oh, we’re horny for this.

Colin Jost: And the first doses are going to be delivered within days.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Um-hmm. We know this. We see this. We love this. We know this. We know this.

Colin Jost: Right. And just to clarify for the viewers, are you saying “We know this”? Or are you just sort of repeating your own name? Sort of like Pikachu?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: It’s a little bit of both, baby.

Colin Jost: Okay. I got you. Americans I think are wondering when they can get it and what the distribution will look like.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Okay. Listen to me. The thing about this vaccine. We know this that we have this. But everything else about the vaccine, who to get this, when we get this, how we get this, we don’t know this.

Colin Jost: Right. Then, even when we’re going to have the vaccine, the third American say they might not take it.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Right. Right. In general we thought with this pandemic, we didn’t do good. It could have been better. But it actually could not have been worse. I don’t know how we do this but we blow this.

Colin Jost: Yes. You might be right. We always appreciate your insight, Dr. Wenodis.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Thank you so much. But before I go, I give you the vaccine live on the air.

Colin Jost: Oh. I don’t know if I should be one of the first ones to get it.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Oh, no. Come on. You’re so handsome.

Colin Jost: Okay, you’re right.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: [pulls out a huge injection without needle filled with water.] Come on vaccine. Oh! [sprays the water on Colin Jost’s face] Come on vaccine. It’s a vaccine. We got lots of vaccine.

Colin Jost: Kate? Are you okay?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: The answer is no.

Colin Jost: I’m very sorry to hear that.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: I think what it is is I stopped going to therapy because I’m really bad on the phone. I do too many pauses. I told her, “Maybe every other week” and then I blocked her number. It’s just like the light at the end of the tunnel has showed us how stinky and bad the tunnel is. It’s like, how will the vaccine get to everybody? We don’t know this. Will we have enough? We don’t know this. Will life ever really go back to normal? This, we do not know this. But what we do know for certain, Colin, is that we know nothing.

Colin Jost: Kate, I know that it feels like it’s going to be forever.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Uh-huh. Yes.

Colin Jost: But as Florence as well as Machine once said, “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” We’re going to get through this together.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: We’re going to get what?

Colin Jost: We’re going to get through this.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: We know this.

Colin Jost: Dr. Wenowdis

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: We’re gonna get through this. We gotta get thorough this.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Staten Island COVID-19 Protests

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Speaker Colin Jost: On Wednesday, residents of Staten Island held a large rally outside Max Pub to protest restrictions on indoor dining. With more on this, Staten Island native, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah. Thank you. It’s gonna be hard to follow that Giuliani fart. Thank you. Yeah, I saw the protest. People were outside the bar shouting about freedom, taunting the cops, chanting that they should arrest the governor, but it’s Staten Island. So, I assume that it was just like a typical last call.

Speaker Colin Jost: Are you against these protests?

Speaker Pete Davidson: I mean, kind of, but I’m also just happy I’m no longer the first thing people think of when they say, “What’s the worst thing about Staten Island.”

Speaker Colin Jost: Come on. That’s not true. People like you.

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah. But not in the right way. I don’t get to host the Emmy’s like you and Che. But I did just find out there’s an Etsy store selling Pete Davidson Vibrators. Yeah, how weird is that? You can buy a vibrator with my face on it for $15 or one without my face for $20. I don’t even get a cut of the sales. Now I know how Chappelle feels.

Speaker Colin Jost: Back to the pub. What exactly were they protesting?

Speaker Pete Davidson: Well, the bar shockingly is in a neighborhood with the second highest covid infections in all of New York. The rule is that they’re supposed to let people eat or drink outside. The owner said no one wants to do that because they’ll go out of business. But the argument that people in Staten Island don’t want to drink outside can be disproven by going to literally any little league game. One guy at the protest even gave a speech where he literally compared not being able to drink indoors to being Jewish during the holocaust which must have been awkward for the people there who had to suddenly pretend they believed in the holocaust.

Speaker Colin Jost: So, i take it that you found these protest frustrating.

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah, man. That make it us look like babies. You know it’s bad when even people in Boston are like, “Ah! Drink it home, you queers!”

Speaker Colin Jost: Do you think the people should stay at home until the pandemic gets better?

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah. Everyone wants to go have fun. There’s plenty of stuff you could do at home. Like, use your official Pete Davidson Vibrator.

Speaker Colin Jost: I didn’t realize it was official now.

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah. I just decided it was. It’s a quality item and it’s weirdly accurate. How did they know how white it is?

Speaker Colin Jost: Yeah. I don’t know. I guess just a lucky guess. You said that you were staying home. Do you have any plans for the holiday?

Speaker Pete Davidson: Actually, yes. I’m doing this online table read of “It’s a wonderful life for charity.” It’s with a bunch of other actors I love too. I get to play George Bailey. Then we’ll stream it online to raise money.

Speaker Colin Jost: That’s really great, Pete.

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah, you would think. Yeah. You should tell that to the thousands of people on Twitter who are extremely angry about it. Why are they so mad that I’m doing a little online table read of “It’s a wonderful life”? It’s an old timey film about a guy who is suicidal. I’m famously depressed and have the complexion of someone in a black and white movie. I get it, if it was an actual movie remake of “It’s a wonderful life”, yeah, I’d be an odd casting choice. It would be like, rebooting “The God Father” with Post Malone. Yeah, he’ll make you an offer you can’t understand.

Speaker Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Speaker Pete Davidson: Buy one. Get over it.

 

Weekend Update COVID-19 Protests & Sexy Hand Sanitizer

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a news article titled ‘Orthodox Jewish neighborhoods protest restrictions’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Orthodox Jewish in New York city lashed out at a newly impulsed coronavirus restriction in their neighborhood by setting fires and burning mask. And it’s a miracle because the mask burned for eight nights.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article about Goldman Sachs at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Come on, dude!

Michael Che: That’s a good one. Come on. Stop it. Stop it.

Colin Jost: Goldman Sachs is reporting that if Joe Biden wins the election and democrats regain the control of congress, the economy will recover faster. I don’t have a joke for that. I just wanted to point out that Trump’s only thing he says he’s good at is the economy, and the economy itself was like, “I’m voting for Biden.”

[Picture changes to a woman holding a sanitizer.]

This is worse. A new Halloween costume being sold this year is for sexy hand sanitizer which I think is just lube.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of McDonald’s new breakfast items at right top corner.]

Michael Che: McDonald’s announced that for the first time in a decade, it’s adding new items to it’s breakfast bakery menu, including an apple fritter, a blueberry muffin and cinnamon rolls, all for the low-low price of one of your feet.

[Picture changes to Whitey Ford]

Yankee’s legend Whitey Ford died this week at the age of 91. Ford reminds us of a simpler time when you could just name your kid ‘Whitey’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sizzler logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It is dark. Sizzler restaurants have announced that as a result of the impact from covid, they are filing bankruptcy. Which is probably a good idea since the Sizzler buffet is the closest thing America has to a Wuhan wet market.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a shark at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Researchers in Nova Scotia have found a 50 year old great white shark that they’re calling queen of the ocean, because he gay as hell.

[Picture changes to a horse]

Pennsylvania police arrested a man who tried to rent a horse online so that he and his wife could have sex with the animal. But the man had no idea that the whole time, he was actually chatting with a police horse.