Your Voice Chicago

Louis Tibbs… Kenan Thompson

Jamele Demmings… Issa Rae

Lisa Crowder… Ego Nwodim

D’Angelo Banks… Chris Redd

Crystal… Punkie Johnson

Caviar… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with Your Voice Chicago intro]

[Cut to J. Louis Tibbs in his set]

  1. Louis Tibbs: Good morning. It’s your boy Chicago. I am J. Louis Tibbs coming to you on this Sunday at 7:30 AM. Right before a two hour commercial for a pot that you can cook a steak in. Joining me to talk local politics, our lead council for Chicago’s in AACP Jamele Demmings and a freelance writer for the Root, Lisa Crowder. Now, there’s so much talk about the national election. But today, we focus on the local candidates.

Lisa Crowder: Which are so important. Representation begins at the street level.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Indeed. Indeed. So, Jamele, any strategy that you’re using to vet some of these candidates?

Jamele Demmings: Louis, I’ll be honest. I’m voting for everybody black.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Everybody black?

Jamele Demmings: That’s right. For too long, our people’s voices have not been heard. It’s our duty to stand together and take out power back.

Lisa Crowder: Okay. I hear you.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay. Representation matters. So, let’s first look at cook county’s third district where four time incumbent Frank Polaski is running against 29 year old lawyer, Charlotte Raines. Now, Charlotte has no experience in politics.

Jamele Demmings: Which is exactly why we need her. This is what I’m talking about. New voices. It’s the only way any change will happen.

Lisa Crowder: Okay, I like that. You bet on black, girl.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay. Looks like we got out favorite there. Let’s go to district J. Louis Tibbs0 which features a billionaire. Incumbent Scott Trebor is running against Rashad Carter.

Jamele Demmings: A billionaire? Now, see, how can someone who’s so rich know anything about us? Okay? Money corrupts the whole system.

  1. Louis Tibbs: No. Actually, Rashad Carter is the billionaire. He owns a software company.

Jamele Demmings: Hmm. And I find that so inspiring. We need more entrepreneurs like that. We need more entrepreneurs like that in our community.

Lisa Crowder: Look, at least he pays his taxes.

Jamele Demmings: That’s right. I gotta go with the democrat on this one.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Well, Scott Trebor is the democrat. Rashad Carter is libertarian.

Jamele Demmings: Which is what I like about him. He’s an independent thinker.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay, great. Let’s go to the city comp patroller race between democrat Catherine Lacy and independent candidate, Reverend D’Angelo Banks. [Reverend D’Angelo Banks looks like a rapper and he’s posing like one.]

Lisa Crowder: No, sorry. I knew this man in elementary school. for some reason, he had a dukie stain on his shoulder. So, he’s a pastor now?

  1. Louis Tibbs: Well, he has only been a reverend for eight months. And he has no church. He says that god has got him ‘on their way’. Let’s take a look at one of his recent Town Halls.

[Cut to reverend D’Angelo Banks speaking in his Town Hall. He is alone.]

D’Angelo Banks: Ay, to the man. Yes friends, the rumors are true. I spent money on a lot of strippers. But, you have to understand that was only because I owned a chain of strip clubs. But I put that life behind me right after the clubs were shut down for tax fraud, hallelujah. Outlaw masturbation, I don’t love it. Amen.

[Cut back to the studio]

  1. Louis Tibbs: Looks like their town hall took place outside of a dry cleaners. Alright, do we like reverent Banks?

Jamele Demmings: Absolutely.

Lisa Crowder: Oh, come on. He just said he committed tax fraud. The comptroller handles the city’s money.

Jamele Demmings: Which is perfect. He knows the system and all the loopholes. It’d be like hiring Wesley Snipes to do your taxing.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay. Let’s go over to district 6 where the district’s first Asian representative Daniel Lee is running against a conservative online duo that was featured on Fox News and recently spoke at the CPAC convention, Crystal and Caviar.

Lisa Crowder: I actually didn’t know it was legal to run as a team.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Oh, it’s not. Either way, their newest live stream video came out today. Why don’t we take a look.

[Cut to Crystal and Caviar’s video]

Crystal: The media is always putting out fake news.

Caviar: Always!

Crystal: They say our president lied.

Caviar: Come on!

Crystal: Well, he is not a liar.

Caviar: Well, sometimes he just exaggerates.

Crystal: Um-hmm. And they say we have to wear a mask in the grocery store.

Caviar: No!

Crystal: But I don’t need a mask coz I am blessed. [music playing]

Crystal and Caviar: [rapping] The mask is death, the mask is death
can’t go all day smelling my own breath

[Cut back to the studio]

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay. Jamele, your thoughts on Crystal and Caviar?

Jamele Demmings: Give me a minute.

Lisa Crowder: I’m sorry, but these two have absolutely no way–

Jamele Demmings: Wait! I got it. Stay with me. These ladies are passionate. And we need more of that in politics, right?

Lisa Crowder: I guess.

Jamele Demmings: Daniel Lee has been in office for 18 years now. We want someone who’s been out there working in the real world.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Well, both Crystal and Caviar are unemployed.

Jamele Demmings: Which is why we need to give them jobs as state representatives. Lift them up.

Lisa Crowder: Okay. I’m lifting. But sometimes, it’s hard.

  1. Louis Tibbs: It’s actually not that hard. Now, we take a break, when we come back, we’ll talk about the presidential race between Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Kanye West.

Jamele Demmings: Kanye? F him!

First Date Exes

Sharon… Issa Rae

Dwayne… Chris Redd

Clifford… Kenan Thompson

Karate man… Pete Davidson

Robot… Bowen Yang

Crystal… Punkie Johnson

Sharon: I guess the waiter forgot to give us menus.

Dwayne: Oh, no. The menu’s on the barcode thing. You just go and take a picture of it and it pops on your phone.

Sharon: Oh. That’s convenient.

Dwayne: Right? I take you haven’t been out on any dates since COVID?

Sharon: Not really. But then, I didn’t really date much before COVID either.

Dwayne: Really? That’s surprising.

Sharon: Yes. I don’t have the best luck with guys. They all end up crazy.

Dwayne: Oh. So, what’s your type?

Sharon: Not you.

Dwayne: Damn!

Sharon: No, no. I didn’t mean it like that. That came out wrong. I meant I don’t usually date guys who take me to fancy places like this. This is really nice.

Dwayne: Oh. Well, I’m happy I could show you something different.

Sharon: Me too.

Dwayne: You know, what’s really good is this crab ravioli. It comes in this cream, right.

[a guy walks in with a roses in his hand. He looks poor.]

Clifford: Sharon?

Sharon: Oh, god.

Clifford: Sharon, that is you, girl.

Sharon: Hey, Clifford.

Clifford: You are looking good. Um. Um. Um. I see you. Got them yams all out. Um-hmm. Toes looking all pretty. Titty meat popping out.

Sharon: Clifford, I’m kind of busy right now.

Clifford: Oh, oh, my bad. I don’t mean to intrude.

Sharon: Well, you are.

Clifford: Okay, okay. Live your life, girl. Live your life. But it is good to see you. Here you go. Um, um, um. [Clifford pours wine on Sharon’s glass] The one that got away.

Sharon: Good bye, Clifford.

Clifford: Oh. Alright. Ay, bro, she is the woman, alright? Don’t mess it up like I did.

Dwayne: Okay.

Clifford: [handing over the rose] Hey, you want to buy this flower?

[Dwayne is reaching over to his wallet]

Sharon: You don’t have to do that. Bye, Clifford.

Clifford: Why you hating on my business? Okay, fine.

Sharon: I am so sorry about that.

Dwayne: No, it’s cool. You know him or something?

Sharon: Yeah, we sort of kind of dated for a while.

Dwayne: Like, when ya’ll were kids?

Sharon: No. We used to work together. Anyway, so the ravioli in the cream sauce?

Dwayne: The what now?

Sharon: The crab ravioli.

Dwayne: Oh, yes.

[a guys wearing a karate gee walks in shouting]

Karate man: I will burn this whole place to the ground. [looks at Sharon] Sharon? You girl?

Sharon: You gotta be kidding. Hey, karate man.

Dwayne: Karate man?

Karate man: Konichiwa, girl. Look at you. Legs all out like pa-dow! Titty meat like Ka-ram!

Dwayne: Yo, my man.

Karate man: Karate man.

Dwayne: Okay, karate man. Do you mind? We on a date right now.

Karate man: A date? So, that’s how you living now, Sharon?

Sharon: Karate man, what do you want from me? You said you wanted your space so I gave it to you.

Karate man: You right, you right. But losing you is my only regret.

Dwayne: You only have one regret?

Karate man: Anyway, I’ll go. I don’t mean to ruin your feng shui.

Sharon: Well, you are.

Karate man: Take care of her, man. [whispering] She likes her butt slapped.

Sharon: I am so sorry. Wow. Two exes on a row. What are the odds?

Dwayne: And he broke up with you?

Sharon: I wish. He just ghosted me. Maybe we should just go inside?

Dwayne: We can’t. They’re like, 2% capacity. Where are you meeting these dudes?

Sharon: Oh. Work, mostly. Look, I don’t want to talk about them. Tell me about you. What do you do?

Dwayne: Well, I just made partner at the law firm I work at. First person.

[Another guy who is fully painted like a statue walks in]

Robot: Is that Sharon?

Sharon: Don’t look.

Dwayne: That’s another one?

Robot: That is Sharon. I see you tryna’ hide from me, girl, acting like that. I’d recognize that titty meat anywhere.

Sharon: Oh, hey, Robot. It’s been a while.

Robot: Remember my dog, Astro? I see you got a little chocolate daddy now, too. I ain’t mad at you, girl.

Dwayne: What the hell did he call me?

Robot: Look, I ain’t got time to flap gums. I’m late for a protest. They’re trying to close down the peep world on 8th avenue. Hey, you using them dinner rolls? I need some carbs.

Sharon: Just take them, Robot.

Robot: Well, I’ll see you around, sugar foot

Dwayne: Okay, tell me you didn’t date him too.

Sharon: No. He was just a work friend. But we’ve had a lot of sex.

Dwayne: Ew. Where the hell do you work?

Sharon: Just around the corner. I told you. I’m an Elsa.

Dwayne: An Elsa?

Sharon: Yes. I’m a Time Square Elsa. First woman of color, by the way.

Dwayne: Okay, you definitely never told me that.

Sharon: Remember? I said I was a princess?

Dwayne: I thought you just meant your dad was rich.

Sharon: Look, I’m sorry if this is all too weird. Maybe I should just leave.

Dwayne: No, no, no. Wait. Look, I’m not going to judge you based off your past. Let’s just forget all that and start over. Deal?

[a very unhygienic looking woman walks in]

Crystal: Dwayne? Is that you, Dwayne?

Dwayne: Oh, hey, Crystal.

Crystal: Who is this bitch?

Dwayne: Are you drunk?

Trump Graduation Speech Cold Open

Principal… Kate McKinnon

John Quigley… Kyle Mooney

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Damien… Chris Redd

Sam… Kenan Thompson

Devin… Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Principal: Hello, everyone. I’m principal O’Grady. Welcome to the St. Mary Magdalene by the express way, class of 2020 virtual graduation.

[the students are cheering from home.]

I know this isn’t how you expected your highs chool career to come to an end. But, we’re all making sacrifices. I have had to share my child’s Adderall with him. The good news is you’re all getting diplomas with the exception of John Quigley.

John: Aw, man! I gotta do school again? Oh!

Principal: The bad news is you’re about to pay full price for fancy colleges when they’re all just University of Phoenix online with worse tech support.

Aidy: Wooo! UOP online represent the future’s in wires.

Principal: Glad you’re happy. I asked you to vote today on who should be the key note speaker. Unfortunately, Barack and Michelle Obama said no. As did your next five choices which were Axl Rose, Murder Hornets, the LiMu Emu, whatever the hell that is; that dude from ’90 Day Fiancé’ who looks like a hedgehog and the Elon Musk grimes baby. So, I moved on to your 8th choice receiving one vote, president  Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the White House.]

Donald Trump: Here I am. Here I am. Here I am. People applauding, they’re applauding. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Crystal: [wearing red MAGA graduate hat.] No, thank you, sir!

Principal: Crystal, don’t make me key your car again.

Donald Trump: Congratulations to the class of COVID-19. Wow, what an incredible energy and excitement I’m feeling right now. My valet got the virus, so I had to do my own make up. I had to resort to a Liza Minnelli tiktok makeup tutorial. I’m so honored to be your valedictator, but today is not about me, it’s about you. Although I should spend a little time on me first because I’ve been treated very poorly even worse than they treated Lincoln.

Damien: I’m sorry. Wasn’t Lincoln assassinated?

Donald Trump: I’m not taking questions, Bebop. I’m only telling you the truth. Lincoln would agree. He’s probably smiling up at me from hell right now.

Sam: Ay! What is this, dude?

Donald Trump: Let’s mute him. Let’s mute a lot of the jazz types

Devin: Jazz types? What are you–[muted]

Donald Trump: Great. You’re actually lucky to be graduating right now. There are so many exciting new jobs out there like grocery store bouncer, cam girl, porch pirate, amateur nurse and coal. Don’t forget about coal. It’s in the ground and you just dig down and grab it.

Mikey: I don’t want to do that.

Donald Trump: I’m gonna make sure colleges are open in the fall. Online college is a scam and I should know. My online college was ranked number one craziest scam by US news every year it was open.

Beck: No. We want Fauci.

Donald Trump: Oh, sure. Everyone loves Fauci.

Beck: Fauci!

Donald Trump: And don’t you hate when these elite medical experts tell you what to do? [coughing] Just, excuse me. [drinks Clorox] Good old invincibility juice. Cheers to you guys.

[the students start singing out.]

Look, I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I know that this is hard. So, I’m gonna give you some real advice. [music playing in the background] Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything. Look at me. I started as the son of a simple wealthy slumlord and grew to become billionaire, a president and the world’s leading expert on infectious diseases. Surround yourself with the worst people you can find. That way, you’ll always shine. If you don’t understand something, just call it stupid. Never wear sunscreen. And live everyday like it’s your last because we’re gonna let this virus run wild. This virus that remember was started in a lab in Obama. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite inspirational quotes, reach for the stars because if you’re a star, they’ll let you do it. Thank you class of 2020. And let’s have the greatest summer of our lives. Who’s with me?

[Only Crystal and John are online.]

John: Yeah!

[Now, John and Principal also sign out.]

Donald Trump: Wow. This crowd has thinned down faster than Adele. And taped from my home one last time, it’s Saturday night.

Zoom Call

Mikey Day

Brian… Alex Moffat

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Kevin… Chris Redd

Henriette… Aidy Bryant

Nan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Mike taking a video in his house]

Mike: Hey, everybody. Hi.

[Cut to a Zoom conference call. There are six participants including Henriette, Kevin, Crystal, Brian and Nan.]

All: Hey, hello.

Mike: Welcome to Sales Corp Industry’s first Zoom call. This is how we’re going to be doing meetings now. So we wanted to get everyone acquainted with the program, with a little Zoom tutorial. On the call today, we got Brian from sales.

Brian: Oh, man. So good to see you everybody. At a safe distance that is. Ha-ha-ha.

Mike: Ha-ha. Yeah. Um, we got Crystal from market research.

Crystal: Hey. Sorry, my place is such a wreck.

Mike: Na, that’s perfect. We got Kevin from research.

Kevin: Yo, any of y’all wearing pants? Be honest now. Ha-ha. Zoom is fun.

Mike: Oh-oh. It is. It is. And of course, Henriette and Nan, our fun receptionists.

Henriette: Yeah. It is. Yes. We just work the phones normally. So, we’re gonna see.

Nan: Hah! Hello. Hello. I got an email address for this.

Mike: Um, that’s great. We’re glad to have you. You guys will be just fine. Zoom has different layouts. So, go ahead and play around with the view on your screen while we chat. Anybody up to anything fun at home?

Brian: Well, mainly like a lot of my cat looking at me like, “Um, shouldn’t you be at work?”

Crystal: Hah, I know. My dogs are so happy right now. I take them on, like, 12 walks a day.

Kevin: Does anyone else fully hate their kids? Ha-ha.

Henriette: Ha-ha-ha. [Henriette has her mouth near to camera. We can’t see her full face.] And for me it’s been reevaluating which of my mugs I think are the funnies. Ha-ha. Okay. Now this isn’t right, is it?

Nan: Yes. And I recorded my own commentary for a dog’s purpose. I think this is not right.

Mike: You just don’t need to be so close to the camera.

Henriette: Okay. Well, I’ve been calling into QVC [moving the camera around, now we can only see her legs] telling them how good of a job I think that they’re doing.

Mike: Just reset the camera.

Nan: Okay. Like this? [Wayne Brady’s picture replaces Nan’s video] Did I activate Zoom?

Mike: No. You turned it off. And it looks like your avatar is a picture of Wayne Brady? Henriette and Nan, guys, just point the camera at you and just leave it be.

[Nan and Henriette start crying]

Henriette: [sobbing] We’re sorry.

Nan: [sobbing]We’re not cut out for this.

Henriette: [sobbing]I thought this computer only did solitaire.

Nan: [sobbing]We ruined the Zoom.

Mike: No, no, no. Guys, hey, don’t cry. No one ruined the Zoom. We’re all learning here, okay? Why don’t I jus show you guys some of the other cool features it has, okay? Like, there’s virtual background. Even though you’re at home, you can change the background to a beach or wherever you’d most like to be.

[Henriette gets a picture of ‘The Good Doctor’ as her background]

Henriette: This is my beach. It’s the only file I have on my computer and it is my favorite doctor.

Mike: The poster from ‘The Good Doctor?’

Henriette: He’s a doctor but he’s different.

Mike: Okay. Yeah. You can also share your screen down here.

Nan: Oh, wow.

Mike: Either your desktop or an application.

Nan: Okay, am I doing it? I was going for desktop. What part of my screen are you seeing?

Mikey: We’re seeing a Google search that says, “Siri, is my daughter pregnant?”

Henriette: Okay. But I was wondering. [Henriette is walking in her house] If a hacker gets a hold of Zoom, what can I tell? [Henriette walks into the bathroom and puts her laptop on the floor.]

Mikey: Oh, no. [Henriette closes the bathroom door.] No, no, no, no. Please don’t bring it into the bathroom. We can see you always.

Henriette: Oh. I didn’t know.

Nan: [covering her face with her sweater] Okay, my screen is dark again. Darn it.

Mike: No. Don’t take your clothes off, Nan. No, no, no, no. Don’t take your clothes off. Oh, my god. No, don’t. Stop. Both of you. I’m sorry to do this guys. Just please stop. Please.

[Henriette starts crying on her bed]

Oh, no.

Henriette: [sobbing] I’m bad news.

Nan: [sobbing]I’m from hell.

Henriette: [sobbing]I just found out I’m supposed to tip waiters.

Nan: [sobbing]I found out that I’m wearing my shoes on the wrong feet.

Mike: Okay, Henriette, Nan, don’t be so hard on yourselves. Guys, this technology is new. You’re staying home. I’m sure you’re great at that.

Henriette: [sobbing] No, I’m not.

Nan: [sobbing] I’ve never used soap before.

Henriette: [sobbing] I used my license as toilet paper and now I don’t know my own birthday.

Mike: Okay. That’s probably enough.

Nan: [sobbing] My husband says I can only use one sheet of toilet paper, but I need three to get all the dukie out.

Henriette: [sobbing] If I can’t kiss my kids on the mouth, I’m gonna hurt an animal.

Nan: [sobbing] I tried to clean my ass in the middle of the night with the hose in the driveway and I went viral.

Mike: Okay. You know what? Let’s call it. Henriette and Nan, we don’t need you to be on any Zoom calls.

Henriette: Thank god.

Nan: Oh, wonderful. Okay.

Kevin: Hey, um, does anybody knows where I can find Nan’s hose video?

Brian: Yeah, I’ll send it to everybody.

Kevin: Thanks brother.

Mike: Oh, thank you.

Nan: Thanks, guys.

Kaylee, Crystal & Janetta

Mikey Day

Kaylee … Aidy Bryant

Janetta …Kate McKinnon

Crystal … Cecily Strong

Jean … Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Gerald … Beck Bennett

[Starts with a clip of Buddy’s State Line Bar]

[Cut to the bar. There are two ladies yelling at other people.]

Mikey Day: Hey, hey, hey, I know you all are regulars but you’re getting too rowdy, okay? And your friend is dancing too wild, [Cut to Kate McKinnon Dancing wild on the jukebox] all right? I’m getting complaints.

Kaylee: Oh, okay. What is this, the Ritz-Carlton? What’s wrong with Janetta? What’s up with you, Janetta?

[Cut to Janetta]

Janetta: I met by my ex-boyfriend.

[Cut to three ladies]

Kaylee: What? That’s the only kind of good boyfriend there is.

Crystal: Ex.

Kaylee: So, which one?

[Cut to Janetta]

Janetta: Gerald. From the guitar center.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Kaylee: Oh, the one we all slept with and now hate.

Janetta: Yeah.

[Cut to everyone]

Kaylee: Oh, Jenny! Where have you been?

Jean: Hell, good! [Cut to Janetta and Jean] My brother Tren just got out of three nights’ prison, left the police to seat middle at in the yard he had planned with. He did a big old surprise with a dynamite.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: Sheet metal is no doubt.

[Cut to Janetta and Jean]

Janetta: I tried to throw a piece of sheet metal on my ex-boyfriend. And I guess wind got underneath it, blew that sucker, bow, right back in my face.

Jean: Screw him. You don’t need no man. None of us do. Look at us. We want love? We can find it.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: Easy.

Kaylee: Oh, yeah! Piece of cake.

[Cut to Janetta and Jean]

Jean: Don’t say nothing about cake to me today.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: Why, Janey girl?

Jean: I tried to get a cake today [Cut to Janetta and Jean] at Walmart. They wouldn’t write on it what I wanted on it.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: What you want on that cake?

Kaylee: Oh, yeah! Piece of cake.

[Cut to everybody]

Jean: A threat?

[A man walks by. The girls are checking him out.]

Kaylee: That’s Gerald from the guitar center.

Jean: He got some nerve, walking in here looking like sex on a stick on his tight jeans.

[Cut to Gerald drinking beer at the bar]

Janetta: You know what? I don’t are. [Cut to the ladies] I’m not bothered by him at all.

Crystal: Yeah, me neither.

[Cut to Gerald]

Gerald: Hey, ladies.

[Cut to the ladies. They are yelling at Gerald.]

[Cut to Gerald]

Gerald: Um, soak it in ladies. Take in all my sexy. It’s not my fault y’all fell in love with this. I would too.

[Cut to the ladies]

Crystal: No, don’t even try to smooth this over.

Gerald: Hey, I told you, [Cut to Gerald] monogamy wouldn’t work in my world.

[Cut to everybody]

Gerald: Girls, I’m sorry. But I want to give this piece of trash a whole mess of pain.

[Other ladies are hooting for her]

[Cut to Jean and Gerald]

You act like I said bad things, okay? I miss you. You smell so good, it’s like menthol cigarettes and bar lines. Which one of us do you like best? Please say me. [Jean punches Gerald] Well – Kaylee, your turn.

[Cut to everyone. Jean takes the seat and Kaylee walks to Gerald]

Kaylee: Okay, I hope you live through this.

[Other ladies hooting for her]

[Cut to Kaylee and Gerald]

Did you get my email? Where I gave you my work schedule with all my little lunch breaks? Because I was hoping we could squeeze out a little quicky during one of those times. Because I miss your beefy fingers.

[Kaylee hits Gerald with a bottle on his head]

But yeah, yeah, [Cut to everybody] I hope that this gives you a headache just for all the ones you gave me.

[Janetta walks to Gerald]

Janetta: All right. This is my turn. [Other ladies hooting for her]

[Cut to Janetta and Gerald]

Hey, act like I’m choking you. Remember when we walked out on the dock? And you said, “Look.” And I did. And it was the – and I laughed about it. And you kissed my laughing open mouth? Well, I want that back, man. You’re dead to me. [Janetta hits Gerald with a bullseye board] Crystal, finish him off.

[Cut to Crystal bringing up a guitar to hit Gerald]

Crystal: Yeah. Yeah! [Crystal hits Gerald with a guitar and breaks it] Oh. Hey. Hey. You remember what we talked about the night you left me? I changed to my mind, okay? I will give you a backstage pass. Now get lost and stay there.

[Cut to everybody]

Kaylee: We showed his ass ladies.

Crystal: That, we sure did.

Janetta: To sisterhood.

Jean: Well, I got to get out of here. I got a date with your son.

Kaylee: Okay, have fun. Tell him I folded his laundry.

[Ends with a video clip of Buddy’s State Line Bar]

PowerPoint | Season 44 Episode 15

Beck Bennett

Idris Elba

Bryan… Alex Moffat

Diane… Leslie Jones

Kevin… Chris Redd

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Henriette… Aidy Bryant

Nan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a presentation between staff members]

Beck Bennett: Okay, team, sales core industries.

Idris Elba: And on behalf of Microsoft, we want to thank you for letting us help your brush up on your Powerpoint skills.

Beck Bennett: Yes, we asked you to pair up and create a mock Powerpoint presentation. We have [Cut to Bryan and Diane] Bryan and Diane from sales. [Cut to Kevin and Crystal] Kevin and Crystal from market research. And, of course, [Cut to Henriette and Nan] Henriette and Nan, our fun receptionist.

Henriette: We don’t even use computers, just use the phone. So, we’ll see.

Nan: Hopefully our natural charm carried us through.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: I’m sure you did great. Let’s see everyone’s first slide. [Cut to Bryan and Diane’s presentation] Oh, wow! Great use of bullet points.

[Cut to Bryan and Diane]

Bryan: Well, what can I say, we make a great team.

Diane: Did we tell you we’re dating?

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: A couple of times. Yes. How about you two. [Cut to Kevin and Crystal’s presentation] Okay, a nice border here.

[Cut to Kevin and Crystal]

Kevin: Market research bringing our A-game.

Crystal: Whoop-whoop.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Whoop-whoop, it’s right. And, Henrietta and Nan.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan’s presentation. There’s nothing but random boxes.]

Beck Bennett: Okay. You know what, little trouble there. No worries.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan crying]

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Hey, ladies, don’t cry. You did a great job. You’re definitely communicating something.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We’re so sorry.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: What do you think happened?

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Nan: I didn’t even know where to start.

Henriette: This is not my world.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: That’s okay, ladies, it’s just a practice.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We just kept clicking on what I believe are called Digifiles. And strange things started happening.

Nan: We made trash sir.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Don’t be so hard on yourself. Okay, you know what? Why don’t we just focus on your presentation and see where we can help.

Idris Elba: Is that okay with everybody else?

[Cut to everyone agreeing]

Bryan: Absolutely. Sure.

Diane: Yeah, I got to see this.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Awesome. Well, we asked you to make some slides about things you’re passionate about. So, Henreitta and Nan, let’s check these out. [Cut to slide that says ‘Corn bread’] Corn bread. All right. And you crossed it out.

[Cut to slide that says king a lot of times, carole and there’s a picture of Wayne Brady]

Idris Elba: Okay, it looks like Carole King and I see a small Wayne Brady in the corner.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Nan: But that was already there.

Henriette: Yeah, we actually tried to get rid of him.

Nan: I’m frustrated.

Henriette: Yeah, and now honestly, I’m at the point in my life where I feel that I can’t learn.

Nan: We’re going to be fired and slapped.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Okay. That is not going to happen. This is an optional workshop. Next, we asked you to try using a graph of your choice. [Cut to slide that has a picture of a clock] And it looks like you put a clock on a shelf.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Nan: Oh, we fixed it in the next one.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Oh, yes. [The next slide has two clocks] Now there’s two clocks.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: Yes, that’s right. There’s one for each of us.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: All right, moving on. A boy with a speaker in his eye.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We thought we could make a music video. We were so arrogant.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: That’s okay. You aimed high, let’s see where you landed. The word undo and a picture of knives.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We were trying to undo.

Nan: We kept hitting undo.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: And you added more knives.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: I’m a total simple turd.

Nan: I’m an idiot bitch.

Henriette: My husband has to tie my shoes in the morning.

Nan: I only went to preschool.

Henriette: I tripped in church and I showed my ass.

Nan: Once I couldn’t figure out how to turn off my radio, so I poured water on it, and I blew up my house.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Ladies you don’t need to do this.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: No, I’m not done. I am not diligent about brushing my teeth. I don’t do it every day or whatever.

Nan: And I wipe as best I can, but there’s always more.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Oh, my god. Stop. Just stop.

Idris Elba: That is enough.

[Cut to Bryan, Diane, Kevin and Crystal]

Kevin: I mean we can’t unhear that.

Diane: Whatever? There’s always more?

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: All right, I’m just going to go ahead and say we’re done.

Idris Elba: Yeah, yeah. On behalf of Microsoft, we can say that you could stay on the phones and so you never have to use Powerpoint again.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: Oh, thank god.

Nan: Not in a million years.

[Cut to everybody]

Diane: And bitch, brush your teeth.